PR7EP7: Ready To Wear, Hard To Wear

Well, this week was the "Make Fashion Out Of The Unusual" episode. In years past, we've done The Drug Store, and The Grocery Store; this season was The Hardware Store, aka The Hard To Wear Store. For some reason they had Michael Kors tell the designtestants of the challenge and the twist, which baffled me; I don't think Kors has ever been to a hardware store unless it was an underground club with slings and buttless chaps.
But I digress.
The designtestants were to make an outfit out of supplies from the hardware store, and also to design an accessory out of those same supplies.
There were some colossal failures, and some really stunning looks.
Let's rip:

SethAaron had immunity this week, and I say, "Good thing." For this Judy Jetson Easy Bake Oven Knockoff was a D-I-saster. I mean, it looked like I scraped the tin foil off the bottom of the baking dish after my Thanksgiving turkey was done, and then decided to make a dress. No, because that would have looked better than this concoction, this clinking clanking clacking collection of caliginous junk*.

Jonathan's dress was kinda cool. It didn't reek of metal and copper and hammer and nails. It looked like fabric and it actually moved when the model walked. I don't know what made the judges put him in Safe Mode--I use Safe Mode as a reference to the computer troubles I had this morning and how I started the comp in Safe Mode so I could fix the problem. And, by "fix the problem" I mean curse and stomp my feet until it fixed itself.
Again, I digress.
His accessory, the purse, was a cool looking item and totally matched his hard wear. I think I'm becoming attached to Jonathan, because he's funny: "Ladies and Gentleman, direct from it's appearance on the Periodic Table....Copper!!!"
Jonathan was safe.

Ben Who came up with this Mars Probe costume of Copper Window shades. I mean, doesn't it look like one of those things you stretch across the car windshield on a hot day? And it didn't move; it literally hung off her shoulders like a copper sheet metal sheath dress. Ben was coming along; I'd almost remembered him from last week, and then he gives us this out-of-this-world-and-not-in-a-good-way mess.

Still his spacey suit was safe.

And Amy? What happened to her? This looks Top Three to me. The woman used SANDPAPER to make a dress. Sand. Paper. Dress. It was fun and flirty and could be used to sand down a nasty splinter on a park bench if needed. How much more fashion-functional-forward can you freaking get? You could look cute and give yourself a manicure at the same time. Put on a great GaGa tune and whirl around the house and you've prepped your walls for paint. I mean, it works, and it works for you.

Still, Amy was merely safe.

Poor Anthony. he kept talking the Big Gay Game that he was doing something innovative, and he came up with this frocking mess. The only thing hardware is that strapping metal belt; big whoop. Anthony is turning into a one-trick gay pony. He does cute and pretty and frilly and girly, but he doesn't seem to realize, IT ISN'T ABOUT HIM!!!

Still, cute got a Bottom Three Pass. Or was it a Cute Bottom Pass?

And of course Anthony got a pass, especially going up against Emilio's Valley Of The Dolls Bolt Bikini. I usually like Emilio's stuff, but this String Art Gone Wrong was just plain bad. I mean, my cat Tuxedo does more interesting things with string, and he has no front claws! But Emilio drank the Whine: I don't have enough bolts! I need more string!

Well, Emilio, I need the three minutes I spent looking at this mess back, but we don't always get what we want. And while I like Emilio, this really should have gone home.

Instead, Jesse was told to pack his hammer and go. Probably because Emilio has shown promise, and Jesse really hasn't. And this Jiffy-Pop-Meets-Hersheys-Kiss-Meets-Balloon-Boy-Meets-Vacuum-Bag couldn't save him. The idea was sweet; ballerina meets air conditioner. But it didn't come together. He bought what he thought was netting and it turned out to be sheet-rolls of drywall mesh tape. Oy! If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me! And his accessory wasn't much better; it looked like a metal square stapled to the poor model's head.

No one....NO ONE....liked Jesse's dress and he was Auf'd.

I'll miss you Jesse, but, like every fickle gay man, I've already moved on to Jonathan.

Mila, the Color Blockhead, drew the same formula from her bag of one-tricks. She used paint tray liners to create yet another one of her "mod" concoctions. And it was all right. It moved, though it also clicked and clacked; and it looked flirty, though, wear it to the club and the DJ will ask you to leave because your dress is louder than the music. That said, that one white tray liner in the middle looked at first like the model's ribcage and it a'scurred me. And, as for her accessory, well, she used a plastic label from the paint tray liners plastic bag as a cuff. Seriously. So, this morning, I took a box of Quaker Oatmeal and made myself a top hat. I got lots of stares on the streets of Smallville; people are so jealous. Right?

Mila gets Top Three; not Top Two!!!!

Top Two went to Mila's sister-daughter-clone Maya. And it was a well-deserved Top Two. In fact, I'd picked it as the winner--shows you how much i know! But I loved her twine-stick-tweed-reed-see-through jacket and Elizabethan collar. The dress was a throwaway; not much going on, but the whole look worked. Plus, her accessory was a Key-Screen-Dog-Collar necklace and it was fabulous! I mean, this girl could work valet at any trendy party, and walk your dog while she's at it.

Top Two!! Top Two!!

And that leaved us with Jay Nicholas as the winner of the Ready-To-Hard-Wear Challenge. Jay took trash bags and created something that looked nothing like trash bags; and we've seen trash bags in years past that look only like trash bags. His looked like leather...........Leather Tuscadero from an old 1980s episode of Happy Days. I get it; he reworked the Hefty. Props to him. But the outfit looks like something Linda Blair might have worn in a really bad TV movie. Really. Bad. Something with roller skates and disco music, and gangsters who want to shut down the club where the kids skate. Seriously.

But, the judges liked that he refashioned the Glad Bag into Glad Rags, and so Jay gets his second win.

And that was PR7Ep7. Hardware ready-to-wear. Hammered haute coute. Copper collections. Bolt-kinis and Trash Bagged Babes. Plastic Prêt-à-Porter. Sandpaper sundresses.

I'll stop.

Until next week.....Fashion Assassin. Out.

* "clinking clanking clacking collection of caliginous junk" was blatantly stolen from The Wizard Of Oz.