Why Is It ...

… that the people who demand you say, ‘Merry Christmas,’ instead of ‘Happy Holidays’ the same people who worship the guy whose Christmas wish was ‘Rot in hell’?

… that a lot of attractive people suddenly become unappealing when you find out how they think?

… that whenever a Southerner tells me that it’s not ‘soda,’ it’s ‘pop,’ I always feel the need to ask them how many times they go to a bar and order ‘vodka and pop’?

… that sometimes when I can’t explain what I’m feeling I can find a song that can?

… that sometimes I’ll say ‘I don’t care’ about a proposition and then talk to myself about it for three days?

… that I wish people would be more grateful that I am not as disrespectful as I can be?

… that pickles are fantastic until you’re in one?

… that when someone tells me I’m cute, I think, ‘I’m feral and chaotic, so don’t touch me’?

… that I still don’t know what I’m wearing to the living room for New Year’s Eve so I might not even go?

If You're Coming South, Learn The Lingo

Everyone knows that Southerners are the epitome of good manners, breeding and decorum, but ... We can be bitches, too. We just do it with a smile, a lilt in our voices, and bourbon on our breath.

We don’t mean to be rude, we don’t wish to be rude, but there are times when you need to put people in their places and so here are some ways that we do it, south of the Mason-Dixon Line:

“Bless your heart.”

This is an old standby, used when you’re listening to someone drone on and on about something you don’t care about; you smile, and say, “Bless your heart.”

But it works best when you want to gossip about someone but don’t want to seem undignified:

“Joe Cafferty’s car was parked in front of Rebecca Loomis’s house all night. Bless her heart.”

Which is followed by the unspoken: “She’s a whore.”

“Well, look at that!” or “Well, isn’t that nice!”

There are times when someone is complaining, or worse, bragging, about this or that, and you just don’t want to know about it.

Smile, say, “Well, isn’t that nice,” and then change the topic.

“I’ll pray for you.”

This is one of my favorites ... Let’s say you’ve been discussing your problems, telling me all about your bad news and hard times and I, well, I really don’t care; I’ll smile and say, “I’ll pray for you.”

And change the topic. Or, take a loooong sip of my Mint Julep and look the other way.

Now, if, say, you’re Rebecca Loomis and we’ve all found out that Joe Cafferty stayed the night at your house, and not at home with Missus Cafferty, we’ll say, “I’ll pray for you,” take a looong sip of a Mint Julep, and then wait for more details.

“Thanks for sharing.”

If you tell a Southerner—and that’d be me ... Mississippi born, South Carolina living—an elaborate tale and, to be honest, I don’t quite agree or approve of your actions or point view, I’ll smile and say, “Thanks for sharing.” 

If I find it especially boring, I’ll smile and say, “You should save that story and tell it at parties.”

“Oh I couldn’t pull that off, but look at you!”

True story: at an event in town a few years back, I got to talking with Jill, one of our horse people, and a very wealthy woman after her husband passed. Now, Jill has had some plastic surgery, but the good kind where she looks fabulous and not like skin stretched taut over bone kind; and Jill has exquisite taste and is always looking dressed to the nines. 

So, I said to her, “You look fabulous. I think you could teach a lot of these women a thing or two about dressing.” 

And Jill sighed and said, “I know,” took a sip of a Mint Julep and looked toward Rebecca Loomis who appeared to be wearing a combination Italian restaurant table cloth and car wash fringed curtain in red-and-white checks.

“Bless her heart.”

 “Well, aren’t you a peach!”

This one, like many people I know, swings both ways; it can be a compliment, a real compliment, or, if you’re having a difficult conversation with a moody Southerner in public, and they call you a peach, well, you’re not a peach; you are far worse.

It goes like this: someone gets me a glass of punch at the church social, I might say, “Gosh, thanks. You’re such a peach.”

If someone gets everyone else a glass of punch at the church social and forgets me, I might say, “Gosh, you’re such a peach.”

It’s a subtle difference but you can hear it.

“Y’all ain’t from around here, now are ya?”

If you’re traveling through the South, you’ll get this a lot. And then you’ll get a lecture about the town and the people and where to go and what to, and who’s who and who’s that.

I still have people ask me, “Are y’all from here?”

And I usually lie and say, “Born and raised.”

And they’ll look at me askance and say, “You don’t sound like it.”

And I’ll smile and reply, “That’s because I graduated from the fifth grade.”

They’ll say, “Bless your heart, you’re such a peach.”

And I know exactly what they mean.

Just For Giggles: Top Ten Southern Pick-Up Lines

Here in the South, we are a genteel lot. Nary a curse word or dirty look. We act like ladies, even when we're trying to pick someone up.

After much research [thanks to Neal] I have been given the Top Ten Pick Up Lines that Southern Gentlemen use when picking up Southern Gentlemen....okay, and they work on Ladies, too, but why a man would try picking up a woman is beyond me.

Let's roll.....

1] Did you fart? ...Cuz you just blew me away.
2] Are yer parents retarded? .....Cuz ya sure are special.
3] My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4] Do you have a library [pronounced li-berry] card? ...Cuz I'd like to sign you out
5] Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...Cuz I can see myself in em.
6] You might not be the best lookin' guy [or girl] here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7] I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8] Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9] If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last:
10] Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

North and South

This just in, from Round The Way Gay, and ISBL Smallville correspondent, Neal: The difference between the North and the South--at last, clearly explained:

• The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .
• The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
• The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
• The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
• The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.
• The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
• The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
• The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

And, for Northerners moving South:

• In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Do not buy food at this store.
• Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.
• Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
• Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
• The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .
• Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
• Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Grandmas! taught them how to aim.
• In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

And last of all: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think that we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.