It's Snarkurday!

All this talk of treating _____ and his co-criminals like they treat everyone else, by kicking them out of restaurants or refusing to serve them, has me annoyed, but Seth Rogen had the right idea.

Rogen was at a recent event hosted by former GOP presidential candidate loser Mitt Romney to promote brain health and had stopped to take a photo with a couple of fans, one of whom told Rogen:

“My father wants to meet you.”

Rogen says he saw House Speaker Paul Ryan approaching:

“My whole body puckered, I tensed up, and I didn’t know what to do. And I turned around and Paul Ryan was walking towards me.”

The two men shook hands before Ryan asked for a photo.

“I look over and his kids are standing right there expectantly, clearly fans of mine, and I said, ‘No way, man!’ And I couldn’t stop. I said, ‘Furthermore, I hate what you’re doing to the country at this moment and I’m counting the days until you no longer have one iota of the power that you currently have.’”

That’s how you do it.

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Wow, Hell has clearly frozen over because Kim Kardastrophe says she’s done with selfies.

Seriously, the woman who has posted boob shots and butt shots and nude shots and lip shots and waist shots and hair shots and kid shot all over social media says she’s done.

“I don’t take selfies anymore. I don’t really like them…as much. I just, like, kinda moved on, like, it’s not all about, like, sitting there taking selfies. I used to spend so much of my time taking selfies … I just would like to live in real-time a little bit more. Um, I don’t mind pictures, but I’m just not on my phone as much as I used to be.”

Rrrrrrrright. I’ll believe it when she actually does it. Hell, I wont even believe it then because Media Whore.

Oops, I spoke too soon … minutes, seriously, minutes, after saying she’s “moved on” from selfies, the Big Assed media Whore shared a risqué selfie in a bra and skimpy panties on Instagram.

And then she celebrated #NationalSelfieDay with another photo.

The woman clearly has no idea what words are or what they mean.

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Heather Locklear, Again.

Heather had another messy weekend. After being hospitalized last week for physically assaulting both her parents and then threatening to shoot herself, Locklear came home.

But no sooner than she had arrived, a call was made to police by someone in the home to report a disturbance and when the police arrived they found Drunk Heather. Well, they figured it didn’t matter much because she was drunk and shiz at home, so they left.

Then they got a second call a little while later, and came back to find Locklear, ahem, “extremely agitated.” That was putting it mildly because Locklear ALLEGEDLY punched one of the deputies who was trying to separate her from her family.

The paramedics were called, and the messiness continued. Heather was strapped to the gurney, but ALLEGEDLY got a foot loose and kicked an EMT. She was taken to a hospital, where she was eventually checked out and was subsequently booked into jail held on $20,000 bail.

This has been quite the year for Locklear …

In February, she was arrested for beating her boyfriend.

In March she ALLEGEDLY threatened to shoot a police officer who tried to arrest her.

In March she was charged with four counts of battery.

She must have taken April and May off but …

In June she was hospitalized after threatening to shoot herself. In June she was arrested again.

Someone needs to call Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan and tell her to get her former daughter-in-law into rehab.

Or get a call out to TJ Hooker and tell him his former partner needs a room at Melrose Place Rehab.

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Okay, so we’ve all heard stories of folks trying to bring whatever animal they want onto a plane as their support animals, but this is a real story about a legitimate working dog brought on a plane by a blind women and rapper Ty Dolla $ign … don’t ask, I have no idea …who tried to get them thrown off a flight because he said he was allergic to the dog.

Seriously. Ty Dolla $ign—real name: Tyron William Griffin Jr—sat down in his eat on an Air Canada flight from Montreal to Ottawa when he spotted a seeing-eye dog near him. He got the person he was traveling with to ask the woman to … wait for it … get off the flight … because he was allergic to it.

Again. Seriously. The woman refused but offered Tyron an allergy pill, which he refused, because he said he had to perform that night and that’s when the flight crew stepped in on the side of the Seeing Eye Dog. They offered Tyron an entire back row to himself, but he wanted to stay in the seat he paid for and refused their offer.

Yes, he survived in the seat he paid for with the seeing eye dog nearby so clearly this was a case of a tiny man with a tiny dick making much ado about nothing.

Next time Tyron, why don’t you get a car and driver and then you can dictate who sits near you.

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Mel B is kind of a has-been, who’s hanging onto America’s Got Talent just to remain however relevant that show makes you. But since she’s just gone through a pricey divorce, she needs a way to make more coins.

Question is, how to do that? Oh, push the idea of a Spice Girls reunion, even though the other Spices are like, “Um, no.”

And yet this week, when she co-hosted the fourth hour of Today, she blabbed about how she and the other four–Posh, too—will be going on tour soon. But then host Hoda Kotb brought up the fact that Posh Victoria Beckham has already said there was no reunion tour EVER!

Mel B waved away that talk and said:

“She’s always bloody saying that — stop it! We are touring.” 

I think there will be a Spice Girls Reunion Tour with Mel B playing the role of All-Spice and the rest of the girls sitting in their homes, living their lives and just shaking their heads at how thirsty Mel B is these days.

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Terry Crews spoke about his own #MeToo experience back in October when he ALLEGED WME agent Adam Venit grabbed his crotch at a party in 2016. While a lot of folks gave Terry props for speaking up, others were not happy he was talking and now, erry says, he’s paying for speaking up.

Crews is currently suing Adam Venit and WME for assault, battery, sexual battery, sexual harassment, gender violence, intentional infliction of emotional distress, breach of fiduciary duty, negligence and negligent retention and supervision, and this week he testified in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on behalf of the proposed Sexual Assault Survivors’ Bill of Rights.

Crews also said he has faced retaliation for speaking out from Avi Lerner, producer of The Expendables franchise who ALLEGEDLY called Terry’s agent and warned of “trouble” unless he withdrew his civil suit against Adam Venit.

Sidenote: Avi Lerner himself has also recently been accused of sexual misconduct.

Well, Terry Crews refused to drop the suit, and now his role in The Expendables 4 has been cut even though he was in the first three films. Crews says:

“This same producer is under his own…investigation. Abusers protect abusers – and this is one thing I had to decide, whether I was going to draw the line on. Am I going to be a part of this or am I gonna take a stand, and there are projects I had to turn down.”

Originally, Crews never wanted to talk about or report what ALLEGEDLY happened to him because he thought he’d be “laughed out of” the police station or be blacklisted from Hollywood or that his career might suffer, but he chose to speak up upon being inspired and empowered by everyone else coming forward with their stories.

It’s also worth noting that Sylvester Stallone, star of The Expendables, is also currently being investigated for sexual assault and let’s not even discuss that other actor in the film, Mel Gibson.

Might be best for Crews to distance himself from predators and the films they make.

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Okay, way back in October 2016, Azealia Banks attended a party with rapper RZA at Russell Crowe’s hotel suite in Beverly Hills. 

An ALLEGEDLY drunk Azealia was thrown out after getting violent with other guests, but she’s always said that Crowe ejected her from the party by choking her, spitting on her, and calling her the n-word.

Crowe was never charged, but Azealia Banks doesn’t care about that; now she wants to sue only she doesn’t have the coins and so …wait for it … she’s started a GoFundMe campaign called “Sue Crowe for spitting on AB”:

“Russell Crowe spit on me at a party in 2016 and denied it, had a group of people gaslight me causing irreparable damage to my acting career and my reputation as well as loads of emotional damage. Whatever money comes of this will be donated to ocean clean up charities.

This isn’t about a big pay day for me, it’s about letting the world know that black women are victims to the same sort of disgusting violence men in Hollywood deal out to women and it’s important to send a message that black women also deserve justice and will get justice in these situations. Crowe called me a nigger, choked me, and spat on me…if I were a white singer he wouldn’t have even thought about laying a finger on me. So many things like this happen in the entertainment industry and it’s time that ALL these perpetrators get reprimanded so they STOP this violent behavior!!”

Azealia has a goal of $100,000, and she’s already got $2,043.

I think maybe she start a campaign money to see a shrink because this girl has issues with just about everyone in the world and yet it’s never her fault.

Look inward, Azealia. It’s you.

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Scarlett Johansson wants y’all to know that she never ever auditioned for the role of Tom Cruise’s real-life girlfriend so stop saying that.

See, after Tommy Grrrl’s beard contract with Penelope Cruz expired, the loons at $cientology HQ set out to find him a girlfriend who’d embrace the ramblings of L. Ron Hubbard—unlike non-zombies Nicole Kidman and Cruz—and Scarlett’s name came up.

Rumor has it that $cientology held an “audition” in 2004 that included ScarJo and now an ex-employee of Co$ spilled the tea to Megyn Kelly that he saw ScarJo’s name on a report about the “Girlfriend Auditions” and ScarJo is full-on angry at the idea.

Brendan Tighe, formerly part of Tommy’s security detail, says a report of the “audition” was accidentally sent to his printer and he remembers ScarJo’s name because it’s the only one he recognized. He also says $cientologist Erika Christensen had to stop being friends with ScarJo because her audition was a flop:

“Another actress, Erika Christensen, had to disconnect from Scarlett Johansson because it didn’t go well. That was in that report.”

Now Scarlett is speaking up:

“The very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning. I refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationships. Only a man aka Brendan Tighe would come up with a crazy story like that.”

Funny that, because Scarlett Johansson didn’t feel it at all demeaning to play the role of an Asian woman on film or to dine with Woody Allen and call him a man of “integrity” so I’m not sure how much I believe Miss J.

Just sayin’.

Still, Tommy eventually settled on Katie Holmes and we all know how that turned out, so ScarJo should feel relieved her audition tanked.

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Camille Grammer has always been one of my favorite Housewives and this week Camille spilled the tea on how ex-husband Kelsey Grammer treats her. She claims that ever since he opened up a bank vault and let her carry out as much cash as she could, he acts like she no longer exists. Though they have two children together he refuses to speak to Camille personally and has all conversations channeled through lawyers.

Seriously. This week, Kelsey did an interview and couldn’t stop talking about how his current wife, Kayte Walsh, is a perfect angel and helps him so much with taking care of his three children who are all under the age of six and, well, Camille had some words to share via Twitter:

“I don’t begrudge him his happiness. What’s unnerving is that fact I was there to help him get through some of his hardships and supported his career and his sobriety. I was right by his side and he acts like I never existed that’s disappointing. We were together through his success I was there during the writers’ strike and the cancellation of Back to You. We moved the company to our home in Malibu. I sat at his bedside for 8 days straight while he was in the cardiac intensive care unit in NYC. I read him poetry and helped washed his hair. Now I don’t exist. We have two beautiful children from our union and I was blessed to have shared those years of my life with him. We have both moved on. Just wished it ended in a more civil manner.”

Well, you know, Kelsey has been married a slew of times, so Camille had to have known it wouldn’t work for long. Still, she gave up Kelsey Grammer and ended up with silver fox David Meyer.

That’s what I call marrying up.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Scarlett Johansson, who played Ivanka “Complicit” _____ in that SNL video, on Ivanka:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about Ivanka _____ actually, very recently. I’m sure you saw the interview she did with Gayle King yesterday. It was kind of baffling, I have to say, really baffling. You can’t have it both ways, right? If you take a job as a public advocate, then you must advocate publicly, right? And yesterday, she said something that I found particularly disappointing, which is that the greatest change she was going to make … would be behind closed doors, and nobody would actually know she made this change. I thought to myself, ‘Well, that’s empowering!’ How old-fashioned, this idea that behind a great man is a great woman. What about being in front of that person, or next to that person? ... [It] is so old fashioned and it is so uninspired and actually really cowardly. I can’t imagine how complicated it must be to see your parent in this sudden position that he is in, and know deep down, that it is a position that he never really wanted, and now he is in this position, and he finds himself there and I think it must be — I think as a daughter, someone who looks up to a parental figure like that, it’s a unique and strange thing. But she has the opportunity to really make a big impact, just by being vocal. ... It baffles me, the whole situation baffles me.”

Ivanka wants to sit behind the scenes, doing her little thing without notice, lest she draw attention away from Daddy ... or Jared.

She calls herself a feminist and yet she sits by and does nothing when #PussyGate erupted, and said and did nothing when her father turned back the clocks on women’s rights and sexual harassment in the workplace.

She’s a lap dog ... a Stepford lap dog. And good on Scarlett for calling her out.

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Brit Hume, Fox News talking head, blaming the media for exposing Alabama Governor Robert Bentley’s affair:

“Well, that's the age old adage ... that ‘it's not the original offense that will get you in politics. It is trying to cover it up afterwards that does it.’ And Bentley's case of course, look at what he's done, it's not something that politicians of every stripe haven't done and used to do kind of with abandon 30 or 40 years ago and people didn't—a long time ago, people didn't cover it. Journalists didn't cover it, and they never admitted it, and it never came to light. But this is a new age and a new atmosphere when it comes to dealing with women, particularly women who may be your subordinates. And in this new age, you simply don't get away with that kind of stuff anymore, and Bentley's fall from grace is further proof of that. "

Um, Brit, you tool? When a Bible thumping anti-same-sex marriage, family values politician cheats on his wife for years and then uses public money to cover it up, the story should be told.

The story wasn’t about the cheating, it was about the cover-up and the stealing of public funds to do so, ass.

But you sit right there in the Rich White Boy’s Club and whine about it, you f**k.

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Oscar Munoz, United CEO, in a memo to employees after a passenger was dragged off one of their flights:

“Like you, I was upset to see and hear about what happened last night aboard United Express Flight 3411 ... While the facts and circumstances are still evolving, especially with respect to why this customer defied Chicago Aviation Security Officers the way he did, to give you a clearer picture of what transpired ... As you will read, this situation was unfortunately compounded when one of the passengers we politely asked to deplane refused and it became necessary to contact Chicago Aviation Security Officers to help. Our employees followed established procedures for dealing with situations like this. While I deeply regret this situation arose, I also emphatically stand behind all of you, and I want to commend you for continuing to go above and beyond to ensure we fly right. I do, however, believe there are lessons we can learn from this experience, and we are taking a close look at the circumstances surrounding this incident. Treating our customers and each other with respect and dignity is at the core of who we are, and we must always remember this no matter how challenging the situation.”

“Treating our customers and each other with respect and dignity is at the core of who we are”? Really Oscar?

Dragging a paying customer off a flight that you overbooked to make room for your employees to be able to get to Louisville to work another flight is respect?

Buh-buy, asshat.

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Oscar Munoz, United Airlines CEO, trying the apology again:

"The truly horrific event that occurred on this flight has elicited many responses from all of us: outrage, anger, disappointment.  I share all of those sentiments, and one above all: my deepest apologies for what happened. Like you, I continue to be disturbed by what happened on this flight and I deeply apologize to the customer forcibly removed and to all the customers aboard.   No one should ever be mistreated this way. I want you to know that we take full responsibility and we will work to make it right. It’s never too late to do the right thing. I have committed to our customers and our employees that we are going to fix what’s broken so this never happens again. This will include a thorough review of crew movement, our policies for incentivizing volunteers in these situations, how we handle oversold situations and an examination of how we partner with airport authorities and local law enforcement. We’ll communicate the results of our review by April 30th. I promise you we will do better."

Funny how this apology came the day after United stocks lost $255 million dollars. I mean, if the stock hadn’t fallen, Oscar never would have released a second statement because it’s all, and only, about the coins.

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Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, apologizing for comparing Syrian President Assad to Hitler and saying “Hitler didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons”:

“I was obviously trying to make a point about the heinous acts that Assad had made against his own people last week, using chemical weapons and gas. Frankly, I mistakenly made an inappropriate and insensitive reference to the Holocaust, for which there is no comparison. And for that I apologize. It was a mistake to do that.”

Look, gassing anyone is vile, be they Assad or Hitler, but never try to say something like, um, “He’s worse than Hitler.”

It doesn’t bode well; and even more troubling is the fact that Spicer couldn’t think of the words “concentration camp” or even “death camps” but chose to call them “holocaust centers.”

And this, coming again from an administration that has been accused again and again of being anti-Semitic, is also disturbing.

I really think it’s time Spicer hung up his hood and cross and stepped off.

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It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Kudrow played my favorite character on Friends, Phoebe Buffay; I always like the slightly off-center, random characters because, yeah, they’re like me.

And though Kudrow has been working steadily since Friends ended forty years ago, she is still constantly asked about the show and the possibility of a reunion. But, while appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Andy asked her which guest star was the worst ...

“The worst behavior just off the top of my head? I rehearsed without makeup most of the week and then on show night I’m in hair and makeup and I was told [by the guest star], ‘Oh, wow, now you’re’ — can I say it? ― ‘now you’re f**kable.’ That’s bad behavior, I say.”

What she wouldn’t say was who it was, and the internet immediately jumped on Charlie Sheen until Kudrow later shot that down.

So ... who do you think it was ... Alec Baldwin comes to mind; but then there are so many more ... Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis, Sean Penn, Jean-Claude Van Damme. And what about a woman—Kudrow never said it was a man—could it have been Susan Sarandon?

For me, because he played a character that dated both Phoebe and her “twin” Ursula, my money’s on Penn.

Plus ... he’s kind of a dick.

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So, the podcast Missing Richard Simmons was created by one of Simmons’ friends, filmmaker Dan Taberski, who is trying to find out what happened to Simmons, who seemingly vanished from public view.

It’s been over three years since Simmons has been seen or spoken to his friends, and so people began wondering; he and his reps have released statements saying he’s got a busted knee and is just trying to mend and heal in private, but even his famous exercise studio has closed because he’s not there to work out.

On a recent episode of MRS, Taberski talked to another Simmons’ friend, Mauro Oliveira, who believes Simmons’ longtime housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, is controlling him and his bank accounts. Last year, Oliveira told the New York Daily News that in April 2014, he went over to Simmons’ Hollywood Hills home and that Richard said they could no longer be friends. Mauro tried to talk to Richard, but housekeeper Reveles kicked him out of the house. 

Mauro now says that Reveles put a black magic spell on Simmons and also believes Reveles, Richard’s manager and his brother were all holding him hostage. After Mauro squealed to NYDN, Richard Simmons gave a phone interview to The Today Show and said that he’s not being held hostage and he really just wants to stay home and do nothing.

Seriously? Does that sound like Simmons? And then, after Mauro repeated those claims on MRS, Richard’s rep, Tom Estey, released a statement:

“Teresa has been working with him for ... [27 years]. So, holding him hostage is the biggest, I mean … Teresa is the housekeeper, she’s the caretaker, she is extraordinary, she is amazing, she takes impeccable care of Richard and she has for as long as I have been working with Richard, so that is a complete load of crap. Richard made a choice. To live a more private life. If he decides to come back, he’ll come back.”

That sounds plausible, because the black magic voodoo angle is just crazy, but still, who ever thought Richard Simmons would choose to disappear? So, maybe there is something there ... ?

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During her acceptance speech for Album of the Year at this year’s Grammys, Adele referred to Simon Konecki, the father of her son and partner of 5 years, as her “husband.” But then backstage, she threw the car in reverse and went back to calling him her “partner.”

So ... what the what?

It appears Konecki is actually Adele’s husband now, because she told the crowd at a concert in Brisbane last week while talking about the feelings of her song Someone Like You:

“I was trying to remember how it was I felt at the beginning of the relationship that inspired that record because as bad as a break up can be, as bitter and horrible and messy as it can be, that feeling when you first fall for someone is the best feeling on earth, and I am addicted to that feeling. Obviously I can’t go through with those feelings because I’m married now. I’ve found my next person.”

One thing she isn’t saying is how long she has been married, but, you know, I love that Adele is just Adele and doesn’t feel the need to release every single aspect of her life on social media and opts to keep some things private.

Just sayin’ ... Beyonce.

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So, we know that Paul Burrell, the former royal butler, who dubbed himself Diana’s “rock”, has come out as gay and engaged to his business partner lawyer, Graham Cooper.

What you may not know is that Burrell ALLEGEDLY once had an orgy with up to 10 other men aboard Royal Yacht Britannia ... though probably not when that other Queen was onboard.

But she found out about it and while the other men involved faced disciplinary repercussions for the sex, Burrell was let off after the Queen spoke to him and told him to settle down and find a wife.

What the what? Burrell’s agent—cuz he’s writing another tell-all—Adam Muddle says:

“[Paul] wants to talk about the scandal that happened on the Royal Yacht Britannia, which is where members of the navy were dismissed for being caught up in a gay orgy. Paul was there. But he wasn’t arrested or subjected to any sort of criminal charges, because he was the Queen’s right hand man at that point.”

I think maybe he was the right hand man to a lot of men.

Just sayin’. But seriously, how's that for a job? You get nailed—perhaps the wrong word choice but I’ll let it go—for having an all-male orgy on your boss’s boat and all the boss says is, “Find a wife.”

I need a job like that.

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Well, Scarlett Johansson just filed for divorce from her second husband, Frenchman Romain Dauriac, and there are already rumblings about a nasty custody battle.

Johansson sued Dauriac in Manhattan Supreme Court calling their marriage “irretrievably broken” and asking a judge to give her primary custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Rose Dorothy Dauriac.

Dauriac’s attorney, Harold Mayerson, said his client plans to fight the request because he “would like to move to France with his daughter” because Johansson does a lot of traveling.

It was just two months ago Johansson announced that the couple had split last summer because she decided she didn’t have that much in common with him; and after the breakup the couple worked very well in co—parenting, and each spent every other week with Rose.

Then Johansson temporarily moved to New Zealand last year to film “Ghost in the Shell” and wanted to switch to a shorter schedule where she had Rose for three days and then Dauriac took her for two days.

When Dauriac protested that his life was starting to revolve around Johansson’s schedule, he was told by her lawyer that “this is what they do in Hollywood” and he was like, “Oh l'enfer, no."

Oh hell no. 

And so it looks to turn nasty and grabby ... because this is what they do in Hollywood.

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Azealia Banks is ALLEGEDLY a rapper, but all I know of her is that she’s shrieks and screams at strangers, threatens to kill folks, and doesn’t show up to court when ordered.

In fact, a Manhattan judge just scolded Banks for failing to turn up for court and then because she tried to dismiss her absence as mere tardiness.

Justice Kathryn Paek issued a bench warrant for Banks’ arrest when she failed to show up to a hearing for ALLEGEDLY biting the boob of a female bouncer who tossed her from a West Village club.

And where was Banks? She was at Paris Fashion Week partying in denim thong shorts, though her lawyer, Jess Berkowitz, tried to say she was just “out of the country” and that she thought her court date was later in the week.

And when Banks finally appeared in court—wearing a black dress with a skeleton design, knee-high vinyl boots and a Chanel purse—she said:

“I just wanted to apologize for being tardy.”

Judge Paek was not playing:

“Not tardy! You missed your court date, your case is on for hearing and trial, and you did not appear. Do you understand the difference?”

Assistant District Attorney Andrea Kimmel reminded the judge that Banks had “failed to appear in this case multiple times, including the first trial date” and asked for $2,000 bail, but Paek went easy on Banks because ... well, I call it The Lohan Syndrome—celebrities have it easier than regular folk because they’re celebrities.

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Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote his new art project, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about Taylor Swift in a GQ interview, he’s being asked about her over and over and over again, and getting all Tom Pissyton about it. When both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked him about Taylor, he muttered that his private life is private.

Yes, he did; the guy who paraded around a beach last year with Swifty whist wearing a “I Heart TS” tank top is now asking for privacy.

Still, Guthrie brought up Tom’s GQ interview and asked him what it was like to go through a really public relationship and he giggled and said his work is public, but his private life is not. 

Now, when The Telegraph also asked if he regretted the attention of the Swifty Affair and Hiddles got piddled and snapped:

“What should I regret, in your mind?”

Then he calmed down and said:

 “I would rather not talk about this if that’s alright. I’m just thinking about this ... everyone is entitled to a private life. I love what I do and I dedicate myself with absolute commitment to making great art ...”

And we’ll stop; great art ... Kong: Skull Island. Seriously.

I used to think the man was hot and then he started dating Swifty and wearing that ridiculous shirt and dressing her up like the Queen Mum on a visit home and I thought he was a lunatic, but calling Kong: Skull Island great art proves the man is delusional as f**k.
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