The Funny Papers ... On My Birthday!

Clay Bennett, Joe Heller, Darrin Bell, Ed Wexler, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, Nate Beeler, Bart van Leeuwen, Bill Bramhall

Bobservations

On Christmas Day the Fat Bastard tweeted that he would be going “back to work” the next day, Tuesday, but ...

On Tuesday, he played golf … Wednesday, he played golf … Thursday, he played golf … Friday, he played golf … Saturday, he played golf … Sunday, he played golf … Monday, he played golf.

In fact, the Fat Bastard also golfed on the two days before Christmas, making it nine out of the last 10 days on the links even though he promised not to golf at all as president:

“I’m going to be working for you. I’m not going to have time to go play golf.”

I knew he was lying but what about you Deplorables? How do you like the lying fool now?

On this same kick …. When asked if the president has a bit of a transparency issue when it comes to his $90 million a year golf addiction—paid for by We The People—his Lying Minion Sarah Huckleberry Sanders said:

“I think it’s the press that has an issue with his time on the course. The president is extremely proud of the accomplishments we had during 2017.”

And then she claimed that his successful …. Her word …first year in office was due to the “relationship building” he was able to do on the golf course though she could not name one single important meeting the Fat Bastard held while golfing.

Yet the Deplorables still rally behind his ass.

While scrolling through the TV listings last week, looking for one of the nerdy shows he likes to watch, Carlos stopped on this:

NBA: Rockets at Celtics

And he said, sadly, out loud:

“NBA Rockettes? What is that?”

I am still laughing.

Vice President Mike Pence and Mother Pence spent the holiday in Aspen and they received a lovely welcoming note from the neighbors.

Neighbors posted this message on a stone pillar that sits at the end of driveway:

Pitkin County Sheriff's Deputy Michael Buglione said you couldn’t miss the sign, and noted that the man and woman who live in the home brought chili and corn muffins to deputies and Secret Service agents posted at the end of the driveway. Pitkin County Sheriff Joe DiSalvo said one of his deputies was present when the man who lives in the home came out and first draped the banner over the stone pillar:

"He was real sheepish and thought he might be confronted by the Secret Service or deputies who'd tell him he couldn't do it. When they said, 'We're not here to control your free speech rights,' they came out with chili and began feeding them. They've been really nice to us."

That just makes it all the more special!

That and knowing Pence and Mother Pence were annoyed by a “gay” sign outside their vacation rental.

More gay good news … South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg announced on Facebook that he is marrying his boyfriend Chasten Glezman:

“He said yes! Can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with Chasten Glezman.”

Congrats to the happy couple!

Let me just say this to those, and you know who you are, social media whores out there … and you know who you are … I never had to be taught that filming a dead body was sick, and I never had to learn that making jokes about a suicide victim was disgusting. I just always knew was sick and vile and wrong. So, stop with the I’m sorry bull shiz, you’re just looking to salvage your followers.

I also know, without ever having to be told, that you don’t rake children, especially, your own relatives, over the coals because, wait a second, they’re children. And then you don’t have to apologize for being a dick.

Best that the two of you, and, again, you know who you are, to close all your social media accounts until you learn how to act human.

I guess you could call it getting buff in the buff, because Hanson Fitness in New York City will be holding naked personal fitness classes to kick off 2018. The fitness studio will have its first nude personal training session. The studio initially plans to host three sessions a week: one mixed, one for men, and one for women.

Mixed? Men and women? Hell, no ….

But, if guests are uncomfortable training in the complete nude, nude-colored underwear is permitted.

And what exactly is the point of that?

So, we know Orrin Hatch, the GOP’s longest-serving senator, is retiring, but did you know it was a personal smackdown to _____?

Hatch was under heavy pressure from _____ to seek re-election in order to block Mittsy Romney from seeking that seat since Romney is no fan of the Fat Bastard.

Hatch, who had his lips pressed firmly to _____’s ass decided to retire after discussing the matter with his family … or because a recent poll showed that 75% of Utah voters did not want him to run again.

Yeah, that last thing.

Former Minnesota congresswoman, virulent homophobe, current “pastor to the United Nations” and victim of The Crazy Eyes, Michele Bachmann is considering running for Al Franken’s Senate seat … if God asks her:

“I trust in a big God. I feel like I was wildly successful [in running for president in 2012] … I didn’t win, but I moved the debate. So, I didn’t shed a tear when I left the contest because I felt like, you know, I fulfilled the calling that God gave me. So, the question is am I being called to do this now? I don’t know.”

Um, Michele? Honey? “Wildly successful”? Even God read that and She started laughing so hard she forgot to smite you.

Down in Texas some new laws will go into effect this year, like …

… a ban on texting while driving. That’s good, right?

…open carry for swords and machetes. Yes, seriously. Blades more than 5.5 inches in length are being permitted for open-carry in public places, though the law prohibits swords and machetes in most bars, schools, colleges, sporting events, polling places, race parks, correctional facilities, hospitals, amusement parks and places of worship.

… new. Lower handgun license fees; I guess for those who don’t own a machete.

They started off so good with the texting, which is a crime, but swords and guns? Go ahead, whip ‘em out.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner made a deal for her to become the first female president. Was she planning to run on the Cheap Crap Made In China Platform?

Siddown, grifter.

Carlos and I watched Hell or High Water over the weekend starring …. another …. Husband In My Head, Chris Pine, as a bank robber in West Texas.

Good, smart, funny, film, but, yeah, Chris Pine.