Snarky Thoughts

I know that not everyone in Hollywood has had work done—I mean, explain Steve Buscemi—but when someone stands up and shouts to the world that they are all-natural, well, you gotta take a ten-second swan dive into Google images to seek the truth. And I’m looking at you, Vicki Beckham. Some folks are saying that the pop-star-fashion-mogul has had a nose job but Vicki is setting the record straight, like her nose, that she has never had that kind of work done.

My Thought: Up top, Old Nose Vicki and New Nose Vicki. I don’t care about many pounds you drop, the nose doesn’t lose weight at the tip and also become straighter.

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At this week’s People’s Choice Awards—the awards show for the people … who know nothing about awards shows—Shania Twain was getting an Icon Award, and so she showed up to the event looking like, well that, up there. She had pink hair, and some cheetah head scarf that melded into a neck scarf that melded into gloves maybe, and a skirt with an arrow pointing to her vagina. And that wasn’t the worst thing of all … that was Shania’s new face that, like Vicki Beckham, I’m sure she will claim is still her old face.

My Thought: Some say the look  paid tribute to her cheetah ensemble from the That Don’t Impress Me Much video but I say why not just wear the old look and leave the Grannie Garanimal™ look at home?

Original  Thirsty Edition

Apparently Nick Cannon was in the hospital last week suffering from pneumonia, which means that nine months from today we can be guaranteed there will be no Cannon Spawn.

My Thought: Pneumonia? I thought maybe it was just restless Dick Syndrome?

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What is it with some women and their awards show fashion? Singer Rita Ora attended the 2022 British Fashion Awards last week in that look up there. Ora added intrigue to the look by bleaching her eyebrows and sporting mermaid-like facial prosthetics.

My Thought: Bra and thong under a sheer sheet is fashion? Or maybe there’s a porn version of The Little Mermaid happening?

Dress   Face

At the recent Kennedy Center Honors, where George Clooney was with a Lifetime Achievement Award he made sure Amal Clooney looked her best on the red carpet as well and helped place her train ‘just so.’

My Thought: I can’t help but think about Tina Fey, saying of Clooney’s Golden Globes Lifetime Achievement Award a few years back:

“Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an adviser to Kofi Annan on Syria and was appointed to a three-person commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip, so tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Snap.

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It's Snarkurday!

It looks like Harvey Weinstein is learning the hard way that, while you can buy an Oscar, a Tony is not for sale.

Weinstein’s first foray onto Broadway — the $20 million Peter Pan musical Finding Neverland — failed to receive a single Tony nomination last week.

Very different from the year that Gwyneth Paltrow … Gwyneth Paltrow … won an Oscar for starring in Weinstein’s Shakespeare In Love,  an award most sane people assume, er, know, that Weinstein bought for GOOP.

So, That Woman fumed and fretted last week because ABC says she gave them a ‘No comment’ when asked about ex-husband Bruce Jenner’s transition to female. She made up a story that she was sitting right at his side while the interview aired, which turned out to be a lie, and then Tweeted something after people questioned her [lack of] integrity.

But now we have the truth; she said nothing to ABC and Diane Sawyer because she’d already filmed her tearful scene for her ‘reality’ show, Keeping Up With The Famewhores, in which she cried about how she now feels like her twenty-five year marriage, and the two children it produced, didn’t exist:

“I have these memories of this life and I feel sometimes like it didn’t exist.”

Way to make it all about you.

Last week, in an effort to sell a few copies of her already chart-dropping album,  Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and was asked about the time she shoved her reptilian tongue down Drake’s throat in an effort to stay relevant and she replied:

“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”

And no matter how many bleach mouthwashes Drake uses, he’ll never get the taste of Irrelevant Hag Tongue out of his mouth.

Kim Kardastrophe has written a book, y’all. C’mon, be nice; it’s not as if I’d said she read a book!

This past week she appeared at a Barnes & Noble for a book signing for her new literary opus, Selfish … a book of Kim Kardastrophe selfies.

But here’s where Kim is being Kim:  selfies were banned at her book signing.

If you wanted to get a selfie with Kim while she was signing your book about selfies, you were out of luck.

Seriously, she’s that stupid.

In March Chris Brown‘s 5-year probation – for beating his girlfriend – was finally over, so what does he do to celebrate? Right. He’s gotten into a brawl again.

According to police Chris was playing hoops at 3:42 AM at his Las Vegas hotel and at some point he got into an argument with one of the guys playing against and ALLEGEDLY punched him.

Chris now has 2 options: either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery, and agree to show up in court to face the charge … or take his chances with the D.A  who would decide whether to press charges.

Or, maybe he could head back to anger management and try that … again!

Oops, a fourth option: without explanation, the guy Brownie punched doe$n’t want to pur$ue the ca$e. $ound$ $u$picious.

We haven’t heard from Lindsay Lohan lately because, well, she doesn’t have a job so we aren’t getting the stories of how she cancelled performances because she was really sick and needed to head to the nearest nightclub to recover inside a bottle of vodka, but …

It seems Lohan‘s attorney and a prosecutor are scheduled to update a judge on her progress in completing the additional 125 hours of community service she was given after she tried to say that “Greeting Fans” qualified as her punishment.

A punishment for the fans, I bet, because it must be hard to stoop over, look under a bar, grab that tangled mess of red hair, and lift it up to see if that really is Lindsay Lohan passed out on the street again.

Well, I am shocked.

Kylie Jenner has finally admitted that her lips are filled with air from semi-truck tires and it’s not just a special make-up she uses to make her mouth appear as big as Kim’s ass.

You can all rest easy now. You’re welcome.

Okay, we all know that Hollywood is like high school and Rihanna is prom queen, m’kay. I mean, that’s gotta be true because this week, at her after-party after-the-party known as the Met Gala, RiRi had Rita Ora banned from attending.

A source — and it could ‘a been Lohan because, yeah, still no job — says RiRi made it plain and simple that Rita was not to be allowed into her shindig. Now, another source — possibly Dina, because those Lohan’s like to hedge their bets — says Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to Gaga’s bash … so there!

Now it’s gonna get ugly, because Rita is working to get RiRi kicked off the cheerleading squad, and RiRi is running against Rita for class president.

All that money and yet it’s still Mean Girls.

This makes me chuckle …

Two of this year’s tony nominees, Chita Rivera and Sydney Lucas, crossed paths at a nominees reception and what could have been shady, and perhaps a little cat-fight-y, was spared when eighty-two-year-old Rivera asked her competitor how she stayed looking so young:

“What’s your secret?”

Sydney smiled sweetly and replied:

“Well, I’m 11. And I wear sunscreen.”

Bam! Eleven and she's already that funny!

WTF? Rita Ora ... Again

So, Rita Ora went to the Oscars looking like that and the she sang one of the Oscar nominated songs looking like this ...

Then she went to an after party looking like this ...

I was thinking how she really showed up some of the nominees by looking so amazing and Oscar-y, but then she turned around ....

Why, Rita, why? You looked so sexy from the front, and so hoochie from the back.

WTF? Rita Ora

Generally I like Rita Ora's style because it's kind of edgy and cool and different.

This time, though, she missed the mark with this paper-shredder-confetti-looking-macrame-thing topped off with a fur shrug.

Yeah, shrug is all I can do with this.