The Funny Papers

Tim Campbell, Dennis Goris, Michel de Adder, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Chris Britt,  Kevin Kallaugher, Bill Bramhall, Matt Davies, Kevin Necessary, Gary Huck, Mike Luckovich, Lalo Alcaraz, Max Espinoza,

I Didn't Say It ...

Hillary Clinton, dismantling the GOP and demanding Congress ask Cankles, "under oath" about the "tens of thousands of times” he appears in the Epstein files:

“You have compelled me to testify, fully aware that I have no knowledge that would assist your investigation, in order to distract attention from [Cankles’] actions and to cover them up despite legitimate calls for answers. As I stated in my sworn declaration on January 13, I had no idea about[Epstein and Maxwell’s] criminal activities. I do not recall ever encountering Mr. Epstein. I never flew on his plane or visited his island, homes or offices. I have nothing to add to that. If this Committee is serious about learning the truth about Epstein’s trafficking crimes, it would not rely on press gaggles to get answers from our current president on his involvement; it would ask him directly under oath about the tens of thousands of times he shows up in the Epstein files.”

Hillary showed up, and Bill will, too, but Cankles? We have proof he’s in the files, and there is evidence that he raped a child and still the GOP refuses to ask him one single question.

Pedophile Protection Party at work.

PS Points to Hillary for her plain spoken, zero fucks attitude and for answering questions about extraterrestrials and “Pizzagate” which have zero to do with the Epstein scandal other than being a deflection.

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Chris Coons, Democrat senator from Delaware, on the GOP voter fraud lies::

“[Cankles] and the entire Republican party have spent 6 years searching high and low for voter fraud in the 2020 election. They’ve found nothing. Nada. Zilch. So why do they want millions of citizens to fight through bureaucratic red tape to solve a problem that doesn’t exist?”

No fraud, except for the fraud elected to office who can’t handle the fact he’s a loser and is still crying six years later.

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Elizabeth Warren, Democrat senator from Massachusetts, on the grift of Cankles at the expense of We The People:

“[Cankles] has enough money to renovate his $400,000,000 Qatari jet, give Amazon a $.8 billion tax break, send Kash Patel top party at the Olympics but your refund on his illegal tariffs? [He] says eat dirt.”

Follow the money and then arrest him, seize his bank accounts, and assets, and put him on trial for the con man he has always been.

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Stephen Colbert, The Late Show host, on the rumor that Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is having an extramarital affair with her aide Corey Lewandowski:

"Noem is Corey's boss and possibly boss with benefits because that rumor is that the two of them are in a romantic relationship even though they're both married with children. If that romantic part is true, Corey—a word of warning: Avoid doggy style. Especially near the gravel pit."

Noem and Lewandowski, both married with families, have denied the claims though they travel together on a luxury 737 MAX with a private cabin in the rear.

Colbert's joke referenced the fact that Noem once shot and killed Cricket, a 14-month-old puppy, in a gravel pit because she wasn't good at hunting and was too excitable.

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Thomas Massie, GOP Representative from Kentucky, brings down the roof during a House speech on Epstein and slams Kash Patel for his Olympics partying:

"It's fine to be proud of this country, but we should be proud of this country because we have a system of justice that works! Congress created the Department of Justice. Congress funds the Department of Justice. And Congress is responsible for the oversight of the Department of Justice. When will we see justice? I'll tell you what I've not seen, I've not seen any arrests from the revelations in the Epstein files. Over three million documents describing horrible things, describing unspeakable things. Much of it redacted. We know for a fact that many of the files have not been released and the ones that have been released were improperly redacted to protect Trump and his allies. What we've seen so far includes horrifying allegations that Trump himself abused, raped, and threatened children. One can only imagine what's contained in the files that they refuse to let us see. Over two dozen people have resigned, CEOs, members of government worldwide," Massie said. "But I haven't seen any arrests or investigations here in the United States from this Department of Justice. Prince Andrew, Duke of York, who has since been stripped of his royal titles due to his affiliation with Jeffrey Epstein, has been arrested. Peter Mandelson, who previously served as UK's Ambassador to the United States, resigned in disgrace from the United Kingdom's House of Lords and the Labour Party. And he's been arrested. Former Prime Minister of Norway, Thorbjørn Jagland, has been charged. But we don't see any charges, arrests, or investigations in the United States! What do we see? We see our FBI director celebrating in the locker room at the Olympics overseas. It's fine to be proud of this country, but we should be proud of this country because we have a system of justice that works. And yet we do not. Who are the men that should be investigated? I'll name them right here: Leon Black. You don't even have to see past the redactions to see that this man needs to be investigated. Jess Staley, accused of terrible things. It's right there in the files. Why is he not being investigated? And Leslie Wexner. Why did the FBI list him as a co-conspirator in their own documents in a child sex trafficking case and then tell him, according to him, that they had no questions for him? Why is that? Well, the Epstein Files Transparency Act requires the DOJ and the FBI to disclose to us their internal memos and emails about how they made those decisions, whether to prosecute or not prosecute, yet they have not delivered those memos. And we still don't have the memos and documents and emails from 2008 to explain why Jeffrey Epstein was given such a light sentence in what would have been an open and shut case of child sex trafficking, which allowed him to go back and recommit these terrible crimes, create hundreds of more victims, and ensnare so many other people in his conspiracy. Where are those documents that describe those decisions? We need justice. We want the Department of Justice to get to work, and that's what they need to do now."

The rest of the world is starting to hold Epstein's associates responsible but America refuses to do so because our president is a pedophile who was close friends with Epstein. He's all over the files and he has totally corrupted the FBI, turning it into an instrument of personal political power rather than a legitimate law enforcement organization. Everyone involved in this coverup must be prosecuted when Democrats retake power.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Stephen Colbert, The Late Show host, revealing that CBS AKA Complete Bull Shit, refused to air his interview with Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico due to bullying by Cankles’ FCC:

“You know, you know who is not one of my guests tonight? That's Texas State Representative James Talarico. He was supposed to be here, but we were told in no uncertain terms by our network's lawyers, who called us directly, that we could not have him on the broadcast. Then, then I was told in some uncertain terms that not only could I not have him on, I could not mention me not having him on. And because my network clearly doesn't want us to talk about this, let's talk about this. So, you might have heard of this thing called the Equal Time Rule, okay? It's an old FCC rule that applies only to radio and broadcast television, not cable or streaming, that says if a show has a candidate on during an election, they have to have all that candidate's opponents on as well. It's the FCC's most time-honored rule, right after no nipples at the Super Bowl. There's long been an exception for this rule, an exception for news interviews and talk show interviews with politicians. Now, that's crucial. How else were voters supposed to know back in ‘92 that Bill Clinton sucked at saxophone? But, on January 21st of this year, a letter was released by FCC Chairman and smug bowling pin Brendan Carr. In this letter, Carr said he was thinking about dropping the exception for talk shows because he said some of them were motivated by partisan purposes. Well, sir, you're chairman of the FCC, so FCC you. Let's just call this what it is. [Cankles’] administration wants to silence anyone who says anything bad about [Cankles] on TV because all [Cankles] does is watch TV. Okay? He's like a toddler with too much screen time. He gets cranky and then drops a load in his diapers. So, it's no surprise, it's no surprise that two of the people most affected by this threat are me and my friend Jimmy Kimmel. When this letter dropped, we both talked about the letter on air, and then later, Carr defended it like this: ‘If Kimmel or Colbert want to continue to do their programming, and they don't want to have to comply with this requirement, then they can go to a cable channel or podcast or a streaming service and that's fine.’ Great idea, man whose job is to regulate broadcast TV. Suggest everyone just leave broadcast TV. I can't interview James Talarico. I can't show any pictures of James Talarico. I'm not even sure I can say the words James Talarico. But what I can show you is what we always show when we have to pull material at the last minute. This tasteful nude of Brendan Carr!”

Thankfully, he did show us nekkid Carr.

CBS tried to spin this as a misunderstanding and rushed out a legalistic statement insisting the show had never been “prohibited” from airing the interview. It read like classic corporate damage control from a company that folded fast under a [Cankles] packed FCC and only found its courage once the backlash hit.​

And on Tuesday night Colbert came onstage with receipts literally in hand, holding up the CBS statement and mocking it as “crap” and “a surprisingly small piece of paper considering how many butts it is trying to cover,” while reading out how he had been told he could not have Talarico on or even talk about not having him on. Colbert blasted the [Cankles’] FCC and commissioner Brendan Carr as politically “motivated by partisan purposes” and framed the pulled interview as censorship from the top.

This is a stand for Freedom of Speech y’all, and Colbert is manning the front lines.

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Kristian Berg Harpviken, director of the Norwegian Nobel Institute, responding to Cankles’ extended tantrum about not receiving a Nobel Peace Prize:

“We see it as important that as many people as possible understand how it is that we work and what the principles are. Whether those lobbying for the prize are receptive to that or not is really beyond our control.”

Oh Cankles, you can whine and moan and send out your Flying Monkeys, but you are the furthest things from peace that has ever trod the Earth.

And that’s saying something.

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Gretchen Carlson, former Fox News anchor, on Pammy Jo Bondi’s epic meltdown at being questing by Congress last week:

“To use the Dow reaching 50,000 to cover up for this massive sex ring is despicable. I was so upset that somebody would try to deflect what these women and children have gone through to try and pump up [Cankles] is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.”

Bondi is a lapdog, a bitch, a puppet, a pawn and a criminal co-conspirator. I cannot wait until they come for her.

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George Orwell, perhaps forewarning the world about Pamela Jo Bondi in his novel 1984:

“She had not a thought in her head that was not a slogan, and there was no imbecility, absolutely none, that she was not capable of swallowing if the Party handed it out to her.”

It’s almost as if Orwell predicted Pamela Jo Bondi.

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Ted Lieu, California Democrat Congressman, showing the hypocrisy if the so-called Attorney General:

“Dear Attorney General Pam Bondi: since you creepily spied on the unredacted Epstein files I read, you know I read this one. Witness calls FBI’s national threats operations center and reports that a girl, who was later found dead, told him that [Candled] and Epstein raped her. When will the Justice Department interview this witness?”

But the Dow!!!!

He’s the greatest president ever!!!

We’re moving on from this!!!

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James Talarico, Democratic candidate for Senator from Texas, on the ICEstapo, Kristi Noem, and better ways to spend our money:

“ICE shot a mom in the face. ICE kidnapped a five-year-old boy. ICE executed Alex Pretti in the street in broad daylight. The agency is out of control. We have to impeach Kristi Noem. We’ve got to haul these masked men before congress so the world can see their faces. I would not vote to give this agency any more money. I would take that money and put it back into our healthcare where it belongs.”

Straight shooting common sense; no wondering what he means: he said it.

The DogKiller and her ICEstapo need to be held accountable.

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Barack Obama, former President of the United States, on Cankles’ racist post:

“They ask me about [his] latest ‘post.’ We could spend the whole day reacting to every buffoonish spectacle coming out of the White House, but that’s exactly what they want: for us to lose focus. Politics used to have a limit of shame. Today, it seems the strategy is simply to exhaust our capacity for astonishment. Don’t be distracted by the noise; watch what they are doing to your rights while you stare at the screen.”

Wise words, of course, because that’s what you get from Obama at every turn.

Turn off your phones and laptops and iPads and stand up and speak up and march up and and don’t get caught up in the deflection and, what is that other thing? Oh yeah … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!!

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I Didn't Say It ...

Stephen Colbert, on his first show back after CBS canceled his show as, perhaps, a favor and/or a bribe to The Felon:

“Folks, I’m gonna go ahead and say it: Cancel culture has gone too far. Over the weekend, it sunk in that they’re killing off our show. But they made one mistake: They left me alive. On Friday [The Felon] posted, ‘I absolutely love that Colbert got fired. His talent was even less than his ratings. I hear Jimmy Kimmel is next. Has even less talent than Colbert! Greg Gutfeld is better than all of them combined, including the Moron on NBC who ruined the once great Tonight Show.’ How dare you, sir? Would an untalented man be able to compose the following satirical witticism? Go fuck yourself.”

This is not a good look for CBS or Paramount, both who stand to lose a lot of money when advertisers bail their programming; Paramount+ is already losing subscribers.

And Colbert isn’t going anywhere; he still has a voice and can find a new platform anywhere to keep up his monologues about The Felon.

And we’ll be listening.

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Jon Stewart, railing against CBS for canceling Stephen Colbert's "Late Show."

“The fact that CBS didn’t try to save their number one-rated network late-night franchise that’s been on the air for over three decades is part of what’s making everybody wonder, was this purely financial? Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger was killing a show that you know rankled a fragile and vengeful president, so insecure, suffering terribly from a case of chronic penis insufficiency. Look, I understand the corporate fear. I understand the fear that you and your advertisers have with $8 billion at stake. But understand this, truly, the shows that you now seek to cancel, censor and control, a not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows ... This is not the moment to give in. I’m not giving in. I’m not going anywhere. I think."

Stewart has zero fucks to give and will also keep this story alive about a powerful media conglomerate trying to silence Free Speech.

And he, too, will survive.

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Sandra Oh, appearing this week on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert:

“Can I just start by saying something that I feel like probably everyone here and everyone who is so supportive outside wants to say—that I am so sorry and saddened and properly outraged for the cancellation of late night here. Not only for yourself and for this entire family who are here, but for what it means for what it is of where we are in our culture and what it means for free speech. So I just want to say sorry, and also if I can have your hand … [and] to CBS and Paramount, a plague on both of your houses.”

One day the tide will turn and CBS and Paramount will suffer for their goose-stepping along with a lunatic for some extra coins.

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Jasmine Crockett, Democrat Texas Representative, on the Texas GOP’s scheme to gerrymander the state and disenfranchise minority voters en masse:

"So first of all it hasn't quite been said, clearly that Texas has always been found to be intentionally discriminatory and so I want y'all to understand the makeup of my state. The state is a majority-minority state. And what this legislature historically has done is what they plan to do again, it's to dilute the voices of people of color in order to make sure that they can get to where they're trying to go. We saw this Department of Justice decided to put out a letter and what did they do? We only have four seats that are represented by Black folk where the vast majority of the people that get to decide who they have represent them are Black. They decided to attack three of the four seats that we have in this state. They decided to go after a Latina. They are specifically deciding to splinter the communities of common interest as well as just blatantly say, 'we are going to dilute minority voices.' So we know that the courts ever since we've had a Voting Rights Act have always found this state to be intentionally discriminatory. That is what they are going to do. So I need people of color to understand that this scheme of the Republicans has consistently been to make sure that they mute our voices so that they can go ahead and have an oversized say in this. So I fully anticipate that's exactly where they're going with this map. It's the only way to do it," she said. "We didn't understand how we got to the map that they gave us last time because that state was grown by 95% people of color. They went out of their way to make sure that we got zero new seats for people of color. So that's exactly what they're going to do this time."

Texas's MAGA Governor Greg Abbott has expanded the legislative agenda for an upcoming special session that begins on July 21st to ram through new redistricting. The seats are Democratically held and are largely Hispanic and Black but Texas Republicans want to break them up, redraw them, and dilute them so that they're more likely to swing red. Thankfully, Democrats aren't taking this fascist power grab lying down. On Friday, ten Democratic lawmakers introduced a bill in Texas called the "Anti-Rigging Act of 2025." It would end mid-decade redistricting unless such action is specifically mandated by a court order.

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Jack Schlossberg, hottie and JFK's only grandson, going after Republicans for trying to rename the Kennedy Center's Opera House after First Lady Nude Model Melanie:

"A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces—but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers. JFK believed the arts made our country great and could be our most effective weapon in the fight for civil rights and against authoritarian governments around the world. He took political heat for it at the time—for inviting Black artists to the White House, like the Staples Singers. For supporting Black Americans like Harry Belafonte and James Baldwin on global tours to showcase the best of our society. Pablo Casals, a symbol of resistance to fascism, played for President Kennedy. Yo-yo Ma did too … when he was just 6 years old. Robert Frost performed at JFK’s inaugural. The Mona Lisa came and visited the White House. The [Felon] Administration stands for freedom of oppression, not expression. He uses his awesome powers to suppress free expression and instill fear. But this isn’t about the arts. [The Felon] is obsessed with being bigger than JFK, with minimizing the many heroes of our past, as if that elevates him. It doesn’t. But there’s hope—art lasts forever, and no one can change what JFK and our shared history stands for."

The effort to rename the opera house after the Slovenian Hooker is a blatant attempt on the part of the GOP to kiss some fat gelatinous ass. It's especially pathetic given the fact that Melanie, other than posing nekkid and lying flat on her back with her heels to the heavens while a serial predator, rapist and pedophile, schtupped her, has not a single real accomplishment to her name; she is just the cowardly, greedy woman who enabled her husband's fascism for a few coins and a New York penthouse.

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The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Dennis Goris, JD Crowe, Lalo Alcaraz, Jack Ohman, Ruben L. Oppenheimer, Gary Huck, Jesse Duquette, Nick Anderson, Max Espinoza, Ann Telnaes, Pedro X Molina

I Didn't Say It ...

Jamaal Bowman, Democrat Representative from New York, on Nimrata Haley’s “finish them” autograph on an Israeli bomb:

“Nikki Haley is disgusting. She’s a disgusting human being to do that. That’s genocidal language and it’s the language that has the American people turning against our government. Why do we continue to support not just the consistent attacks in Gaza, but the forever wars? There are people in our country, their entire lives, me included, it seems like we’re constantly at war with someone spending trillions, killing millions, while people are suffering and starving and dying right here in our country.”

Nimrata is seemingly trying to out-pig Kristi Noem, but they are both equally disgusting and gun and bomb happy.

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Jesse Watters, Fox host, on the hush money trial of Hair Furor:

“This whole case is a joke. If you’re running a media conglomerate, if you’re running a hotel chain, running these companies all over the world, in Muslim countries, in Europe and Asia, anything that’s bad news for you personally is bad for the brand. And you’re a billionaire and you have this coming out in the middle of nowhere? Forget about protecting your family. That’s the obvious concern. Secondary concern is the business. You can’t have some porn star extorting you. A hundred and thirty grand is nothing for Donald Trump. You pay that. It’s nuisance. Make it go away. That’s common sense.”

First off, Jesse, you moron; this isn’t about paying off a porn star so she won’t talk about your tiny mushroom dick.

This is about paying off a porn star so she won’t talk about your tiny mushroom dick because you’re running for president and covering up the money trail.

Plus, even you, as ignorant as you are , don’t believe for a second he was protecting his family! He was protecting his ego and his presidential bid. A man who has been married three times and cheated on all three of his wives doesn’t give a rat’s ass about family, especially when you’re schtupping the porn star while your wife is back at the manse with your infant son.

Oh Jesse, just come out already and admit you wish you were Stormy in that hotel room.

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Michael Fanone, American law enforcement analyst, author, and retired Metropolitan Police Department officer, who defended the capitol on January 6:

“This election is about [Hair Furor] and his vision for the office of the President, not as a public servant, but as an authoritarian who answers to and serves only himself.”

Listen. He speaks the truth.

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Inmate # P01135809,, honoring our military men and women who lost their lives in service to America:

“Happy Memorial Day to All, including the Human Scum that is working so hard to destroy our Once Great Country, & to the Radical Left, [Hair Furor] Hating Federal Judge in New York that presided over, get this, TWO separate trials, that awarded a woman, who I never met before [a quick handshake at a celebrity event, 25 years ago, doesn’t count!], 91 MILLION DOLLARS for ‘DEFAMATION.’ She didn’t know when the so-called event took place—sometime in the 1990’s—never filed a police report, didn’t have to produce the ‘dress’ that she threatened me with [it showed negative!], & sung my praises in the first half of her CNN Interview with Alison Cooper, but changed her tune in the second half—Gee, I wonder why [UNDER APPEAL!]? The Rape charge was dropped by a jury! Or Arthur Engoron, the N.Y. State Wacko Judge who fined me almost 500 Million Dollars [UNDER APPEAL] for DOING NOTHING WRONG, used a Statute that has never been used before, gave me NO JURY, Mar-a-Lago at $18,000,000—Now Now for Merchan!” 

He said he didn't rape E. Jean Carroll because "she's not my type."

She has a dress with male DNA on it but he refuses to have his DNA tested.

Yeah, nothing to see here except a desperate, near illiterate word salad.

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Stephen Colbert, joking … or is he:

“[Hair Furor’s] minions aren’t being subtle about their authoritarian plans if [he] wins the next election. [Hair Furor] shared a video on social media that referenced a ‘unified Reich’ if he’s elected. Evidently, MAGA now stands for ‘Make America Germany Around 1938’!”

Truth in humor. Listen.

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Melinda Gates, in a New York Times op-ed:

“Many years ago, I received this piece of advice: ‘Set your own agenda, or someone else will set it for you.’ I’ve carried those words with me ever since. That’s why, next week, I will leave the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, of which I was a co-founder almost 25 years ago, to open a new chapter in my philanthropy. To begin, I am announcing $1 billion in new spending over the next two years for people and organizations working on behalf of women and families around the world, including on reproductive rights in the United States. Despite the pressing need, only about 2 percent of charitable giving in the United States goes to organizations focused on women and girls, and only about half a percentage point goes to organizations focused on women of color specifically. When we allow this cause to go so chronically underfunded, we all pay the cost. As shocking as it is to contemplate, my 1-year-old granddaughter may grow up with fewer rights than I had.”

Why is it the ex-wives of billionaires are more philanthropic with their billions after the divorce? Is it because their ex-husbands believe their size of bank account is directly correlated to the size of their penis?

Just wondering …

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