Loose Ends

I loves me some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I LOVE Brit Lisa Vanderpump. I always love a Diva Brit with a rockin' bod and a way with words.

Here are just a few of my favorite Lisa quotes:
On Camille’s dancing: "She was really shaking it and moving it. I think all that’s missing was a pole, really."
On her gay houseguest Cedric: "I was very disappointed to see that under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse."
On former childstar and castmate, Kim: "It was all good fun, but Kim seemed much more reserved and much more on the outside. Maybe she went back to Witch Mountain."
On having sex with her husband: "My husband calls me a sex object. He says every time he wants sex, I object. I say to him, you know what? Christmas and birthdays. And it’s your birthday, not mine; it’s another day off."
On Taylor and her husband Russell: "I mean, Taylor’s a bright, vivacious, attractive woman. Evidently, opposites attract."
On setting up Kim on a blind date: "I actually have somebody in mind, but he’s — actually, he’s still behind bars."
LOVE.Her.

Johnny Weir.
He's come out.
Of the closet.
He's gay.
Who knew?
But he's copping to his love for all things men and feather boa in his new autobiography.
Color me surprised.
I kid.
Color me nonplussed.

What about the woman who had a meltdown while the republicans in Congress wasted time reading the Constitution instead of, oh, I dunno, getting to fucking work?
They were reading the passage about the president having to be a natural born citizen, when, from up in the gallery, Theresa Cao screamed something like, "It's people! Soylent green is people!"
Oh? That isn't what she said?
"Not Obama! Not Obama! Help us Jesus!"
Yeah, that's what she screamed before security dragged her crazy birthing ass outta there.

I know reality shows aren't real, but they aren't even pretending anymore. I mean, when someone like Calvin, who doesn't win a challenge, doesn't work well with others, insults his clients, stays on The Fashion Show, it makes me wonder.
And I kept wondering after Casey was eliminated from Top Chef all-Stars this week for her chicken feet.
No, she doesn't have chicken feet, she served chicken feet.
And they were awful.
But, um, yeah, what about Jamie?
Jamie cut her finger a couple of weeks back and left to go to the hospital, leaving her team to do all the work. She came back in time to accept some of the credit.
She didn't get knifed.
Then the next week, she couldn't get her chickpeas soft--and that is not any sort of lesbian sexual reference, I mean actual chickpeas--and she didn't serve the judges any food at all because her tam won before her hard peas were plated.
She didn't get knifed.
Then this week she makes nearly inedible scallop dumplings and overcooked green beans and, again, she doesn't get knifed.
Casey and her chicken feet are sent packing.
Who is Jamie $^%^#^^ing to stay on the show.

Elizabeth Edwards left her ex-husband, John, nothing in her will and people are seemingly in shock.
Let's see.
He cheated on her.
His mistress gave birth to his son.
She divorced him.
He's rich.
I'd be surprised if she left him anything at all, unless it was his balls in a jar.

I saw Bill O'Reilly debating with an atheist the other day, I think his name was David Silverman. Silverman's group is responsible for billboards in NYC, and elsewhere, that call religion a scam, and the use of the word scam offended O'Reilly.
But, what offended me, or actually made me laugh out loud, was when O'Reilly said proof of God exists in the fact that the ocean tides rise and fall each day.
Um, Bill, that's actually the moon.
And, according to Vera Charles, the man in the moon is a lady.

And what about newly elected Florida Republican, Teabagger, wingnut, asshat and fucktard, Allen West who says he hates Obama; hates him. He criticized Obama for going to Afghanistan and having Air Force One land at nice out of concern for the president's safety. He thinks the president should put his life at risk and land in broad daylight like the soldiers do, and yet, he was wasn't the least bit concerned that every single president who travels to a war zone lands at night.
He wants Obama to change that.
And I think maybe Obama should, once Allen West flies his illiterate Teabaggin' ass over to Afghanistan and parachutes from the plane at high noon with a giant red flaming bulls eye tattooed on his large fat ass.

Just sayin'.

Top Chef All Stars: Sound Bites

As you can see, we are getting our first look at this weeks chefs. Elia has been erased from the promo shot, and left the show, presumably with all her hair in tact.

I wasn't fond of last night's episode because I didn't like the team challenge when they are seventeen cheftestants. No one really gets airtime, and it just seemed to drag.

I laughed when Dale T. said he had no idea who Joe Jonas was, because you know, deep down inside, he was squealing like a girl.
 
Tiffani admitted she was an "asshole" during her season when they had a challenge for kids, so she made up for it this time.

Tre needs to cook naked. That's all.

Jamie cut her finger and left the challenge, leaving all other chefs talking war wounds, and duck tape, and manning up, and so on. I was leaning a bit toward Team Jamie on this one until she came back and said something about two stitches. last week, in my own personal Top Chef kitchen, whilst using the mandolin, I sliced a chunk off my thumb and bled all over the place. Jamie should'a done that.

Joe Jonas is cute, and I feel like a dirty old man.

There wasn't enough Carla and not one single Hootie Hoo, except for the man in the side chair in a living room in Smallville.

Jen is nasty, and argumentative, and just rude. Her food looked bad. Her eggs were called bland. Her dish was called Soft on Soft with a side of Soft, and a dash of Bland. But she wasn't having it and barked at the judges that they were wrong. Jen got Knifed. And not for being an argumentative bitch, but for being just plain bad.

Marcel and Richard and Angelo won for a Banana Parfait, and Angelo, completely discounting his mini-team, announced that he had won two challenges and was a force to be reckoned with, "to be honest witch u." Of course, then Marcel announced he should have won the singular honor because more of his components made it to the plate. Richard, on the other hand, said a gracious Thank you and left the judges table to got fix his hair.

What did you think?
Tre's hot, right?

Top Chef All Stars: Hair Today.......

We're back. With the All-Stars and their egos.

The Quickfire found the teams pairing up by season to create a dish that best represented their season's host city. Richard, Antonia, Dale T and Spike went all Chicago, with homemade sausage dogs and, thanks to Richard, Mustard Gelato. And they won the quickfire, which gave all of them immunity in the first elimination challenge, which was a doozy.

For Elimination, the chef's had to remake the dish that got them sent home. Yes, the worst thing they made had to be redone, with tweaks, but still the same dish. I was scared because some of them made crap before getting knifed.

First, however, let's meet the cheftestants and hear what they think of themselves:

Jennifer Carroll: Season Six, Final Four:

She tells us that she's a "strong, competent, aggressive woman," which, translated, means, bitch...but in a good way. I think. I do know she was quite the task master in the kitchen during her season: "I'd rather talk about the food."

She ain't playing.

The dish that sent her packing during her season was duck, and, well, tough as she is, the judges and the other chefs felt she fell short.

Jennifer, who thinks she's the greatest, is middle of the pack. But there's attitude there, and Richard thinks she's good, so, maybe we'll watch her.

Tiffany Derry: Season Seven, Top Five:

She says she is "happy to be among the chosen."

And I'm happy she's among the chosen.
I love me some Tiffany. i love the fact that she's the nice one; even when she sat with the judges and ate some of the other chef's food, and criticized it, you could tell she wasn't trying to be mean. She's just nice.

But does nice get further than Top Five? I somehow doubt it.
So, I think she oughta stay nice, but get tough.

Her do-over dish was halibut and, well, it was overcooked. And over salted.
Overdone, and not nice.

Tiffani Faison: Season One, Finalist:

She is "known for being incredibly competent" although her former competitors called her a snake and a bitch.

In fact, one of my favorite lines from all Top Chef's was the one directed at her: I'm not your bitch, bitch.

Uh-huh.
And one of my other favorite things from her season was when she used another chef's dessert recipe in the finale and took credit for it when the judges said they loved it. They even called her on it, and she talked her way out of it.

Snake. Bitch. Or at least she plays one on TV.

She redid something called a Branzino and it was deemed 'different' by the diners, which really isn't a good sign.

Carla Hall: Season Five, Finalist: "Hootie Hoo!"

I am so Team Carla. J'adore her.
I just hope she doesn't get bullied into doing something she doesn't want to do, because that's what happened last time. Carla needs to be Carla and she can just hootie hoo past everyone else.

See, for the finale of her season, Casey was brought back to help Carla, and she suggested Carla suve some beef. Well, that seemed to have cost Carla the win. This time, she's cooking her food, her way. Tiffani found it interesting, which Carla took as the kiss of death, while Angelo got a nerve ending and was horrified.

"Hootie.......WTF?"

Mike Isabella: Season Six, Top Seven:

"I came back to cook, show you what i got, it's show time, ready to rock'n'roll."
Well, now if this was Top Cliche, I'd say we have a winner, but Mike is still a dick, and an ass, and, I'll say it, he got fat.

Mike braised leeks again, because his losing dish was all-vegetarian, which as we know is what he cooks best and most and....yeah. His retry was called a good revamp.

Mike thinks that means he'll win.

I think it means he needs to eat more vegetables because he got fat.
I don't like Mike. Still.

Jamie Lauren: Season Five, Top Seven:

"I'm here to kick ass."
And even with her new, soft sexy hair and new soft sexy hair color, I think she could kick ass.

Literally. I'ma scurred'a her.
The dish that got her Knifed was the time she has to match a dish created by Anthony Bourdain: Black Bass with Braised Celery.
The first time out it was awful, salty horrors, but this time out she met with success. Even Bourdain liked it, and we know he doesn't mince words.
Garlic he'll mince, words, not so much.


Dale Levitski: Season Three, Finalist:

"I don't wanna make any mistakes." Dale's bulked up a bit since last we saw him.

Dale's representing the LGBT community this season on Top Chef, though some others I suspect of trending homosexual, or maybe I'm just dreaming that they trend like that.

Anyway....

His second chance dish was a curry pouched lobster, which everyone agreed was good, but he served it alongside a pasty dumpling, and, No, by pasty dumpling I don't mean Mike Isabella.

Mike Isabella got fat.

Antonia Lofaso: Season Four, Final Four:

"I'm gonna beat Spike only because it's his karma."

Nice, Antonia, but what about the other sixteen chefs? You can't go after Spike and ignore the rest.

Antonia better shift her focus because I like her. She's no Carla but she's good, and she's fair...which, come to think of it, don't make for good reality television.

Come on, Antonia, strap on some bitchitude. Hang out with Jennifer and Tiffani and see how that works for you.

She remade a sausage dish with cilantro, which was called fresh and tasty by the other chefs and the judges, but we all know fresh and tasty doesn't get you the cash.

It gets you a job at Red Lobster.

Dale Talde: Season Four, Top Six:

"That's bull sh*t....f*ck!"

Some things never change! Dale never met a four-letter word he didn't like, or a locker he didn't want to punch. I'm sort of hoping for a Cage Match between Dale and Jamie; that'd be fun.

Oh Dale, of the Butterscotch and Miso Scallops which Anthony Bourdain called something like a candy bar, and not in a good way. How does one remake Butterscotch scallops to taste good? Less butterscotch apparently. And it worked, because Bourdain said, upon being force fed the dish out of fear, that Dale succeeded; that he "unf*cked" the dish.

Bourdain and Dale share a love for the profane; as do I.

Casey Thompson: Season Three, Finalist:

Casey didn't really get an opening line, though it was made quite clear that all the guys, the gay and the straight, want to share a room with her. And I get it.

Casey did, seemingly, get the glamour treatment before her Top Chef All Stars photo shoot, and they decided to go Farrah on her hair. Not a good look Casey.

You're the Jen Aniston girl, and, yes, you still have that Jen Aniston thing going on, even though Jen Aniston doesn't have it any more. She's the girl next door, who can cook better than most of the guys who are too busy thinking about Casey under the sheets rights now.

Big mistake. Huge.

Casey's overcooked pork belly was given a second chance, and this time she proved successful. Not enough for the winner's circle, but enough to stay...bunked with the guys.

Marcel Vigneron: Season Two, Finalist:

He believes he's "seen as a threat" though most people agree that he's still a little prick.

It's been eight years or so since we've seen Marcel, and his hair hasn't changed and his ego hasn't changed. Once a prick.....yada yada yada.

Marcel might be a good chef, but I think he's too busy trying to be Marcel The Reality Star to actually prove it.

He got a do-over on Uni and Caviar, and was called out for too much vanilla by Tre--sidenote: Vanilla? No.--but Bourdain said Marcel had balls, which I'm thinking that he'll serve up sometime during the season, with a foam of some sort.

Foam balls?

Tre Wilcox:; Season Three, Top Eight: 

"I ain't playin' around this mother f*cker!" And he doesn't look like he will, either.

First off, he's a hunk. With those dimples and that smile. I'm kinda hoping he'll bunk with Dale, you know, for a little bromance thing. I mean, I can dream, can't I?

Other than that, I don't remember much about Tre from his season, and his season was Miami and I lived in Miami and he had those dimples and.....I just forgot him.

Tre cured a salmon the night he went home, but I think he cured it of tasting good, so he had to try it again.

It was good. Not great.

I think Dale should comfort him. Let me close my eyes and think on that.......

Richard Blais: Season Four, Finalist:

"I feel like I choked" in the finals, and he's back for redemption.

Blais had dropped some weight, and even with the faux hawk, he's looking cute. I know he's married with children, but he has a HGN--Hot Gay Nerd--thing going on.

And, in addition, he's the one to beat, I think. He should have won in his season but he just blew it there at the end, so I'm hoping he goes all the way....until Hootie Hoo's him away.

His retread of pork belly won him high praise indeed, and he might well have won--even though he had Quickfire immunity--except they caught him on film still plating when time ran out, so he was disqualified from the win.

The judges ain't playin', y'all.

Spike Mendelsohn: Season Four, Top Five:

"I was a little kitchen rat before the show" and now he's a big kitchen rat.

Spike is the attitude, good or bad, and he isn't above game-playing to win this thing. He can be annoying, but annoying makes for good TV; take note, Antonia.

Spike used frozen scallops in his last episode, and was frozen out of the win. But this time he opted to mask all taste of the frozen food--which Antonia thought was sneaky, or unfair, or cheating, or something....she doesn't like Spike.

But Bourdain called Spike a "crafty motherf*cker."

Bourdain will be beeped all season long.

Angelo Sosa: Season Seven, Finalist:

He's "back for redemption" with a suitcase full of Advil, so he won't get "sick" again.

Ramen. Really? He was sent home for Ramen? I mean, don't you just peel back the lid, pour in hot water, let rest for five minutes and eat it? How hard it that?

I've done that.

And it obviously wasn't that hard at all because Angelo's ramen won top prize this week.

And, was it just me, or does Angelo seem more humble this time around? I mean, and I'm just throwing this out there, perhaps his mail-order bride knocked the ego outta him.

Stephen Asprinio: Season One, Top Five:

He says he's a "hospitality entrepreneur" but I think he should be a chef; I don't hold out much hope for Stephen.

Poor Stephen. He isn't a chef; he doesn't even call himself a chef, so why is he here?

But he is, and he is charged with remaking three appetizers that he didn't even make in the episode where he got Knifed. See, he didn't make them, because instead of cooking on the cooking competition show, he was out explaining wine service to the staff.

And this time around his food, made this time by his own hand, sucked.

I so wanted him and his ties and pressed pants and attitude to get the Knife....literally.

Fabio Viviani: Season Five, Final Four:

"I'm like the underdog....Italian dog.....good one."

He gave a second chance to a crawfish stew, but for some reason he served it on paper with fried basil, so it was confusing. Eat the basil? Write a letter on the paper? Everyone seemed to hate it, but Bourdain went off on it, and Fabio wasn't having it. He called Bourdain out on it at the table, and then again at Judges Table.

Criticize his food, but don't make fun of it.

At least that's what I think he said in that dreamy accent of his. I would like to him to read some gay romance novels while Tre and Dale bunk together.

Are you listening Bravo? That's a show!

Elia Aboumrad: Season Two, Final Four:

"I will win."

And hopefully not lose her hair this time. Or her head. or her talent. Or her shot at the win.

She was trying again with red snapper steamed in tea leaves, but she opted not to change it up at all, and just serve it like she served it the night she was eliminated. Well, she changed one thing, she served the fish raw....not just medium, but raw.

And she was Knifed for it.

Which made me sad because I liked Elia and I wanted Stephen gone.

 Still, this season looks hot, and cold, and foamed, and suve'd and all that stuff. What did you think?