Why Is It ...

… that Democrats don’t realize that Social Security is an entitlement, and the GOP doesn’t realize that Americans are entitled to Social Security because we’ve spent a lifetime paying into it?

 … that Mick Jagger is 80 and Mitch McConnell is 81 which makes it seem like the benefits of a life of sex, drugs, and rock-'n'-roll should be the way to go. Or is it because Mitch McConnell sold his soul to the Devil and Satan is demanding payment?

… rich self-entitled fools like Paris Hilton and her husband, Carter Reum, play on a beach in Maui, with their photographers taking family photos, while fires raged, homes were destroyed and businesses lost? Oh, yeah, out of touch fools.

.… that the MAGAts are threatening Civil War at the exact moment their leaders are surrendering in Georgia? Haven’t we already been here?

… that South Carolina has two senators, Scott and Graham, who are confirmed bachelors? Are they secretly dating?

… that all I need to be happy is six or seven meals a day, 10 hours of sleep, a nice pair of comfy shorts, complete solitude, and absolutely no social obligation whatsoever?

… that there are just two kinds of people: those who pack ten days in advance of a trip and think through everything, and those who wake up the morning of the trip and decide to do their laundry? And which one is Carlos?

… that during the few days after St. Patrick’s Day we don’t see alcohol in the half-off bin like we do post-Valentine’s Day candies?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Khloé Kardashian appeared on the latest episode of the podcast Not Skinny But Not Fat and say some nice things about her constantly-cheating ex, Tristan Thompson. Khloé insists Thompson has “so many good sides” not just his need to stick his dick into any women willing to let him do it, even if he already has another girl pregnant, and a couple of baby mama’s hanging around.

And speaking of low self-esteem Khloé also discussed her constantly-changing face, saying it used to offend her when people said she had “12 face transplants,” because the only thing she’d had done was “one nose job.” A nose job that ballooned up her lips and plumped up her cheek bones and changed her eye color and forehead.

That is one magical nose job. You’d think it could have made Tristan keep his dick in his pants.

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Shakira is in some tax trouble, y’all, after she ALLEGEDLY skipped out on paying some $15.5 million in taxes in Spain from 2012 to 2014.

Shakira claims she’s innocent, saying that Spain wasn’t her official residence during that time and she appealed the case, but a judge took one look and said, “Denied.”

Now the case goes to trial, and the prosecutors have called their first witness … Shakira’s hips ... cuz y’all know they don’t lie.

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From the moment Harry Styles went solo he has been compared to everyone from Elton John, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie and Mick Jagger. It doesn’t appear that the comparison bothers Elton, and with Freddie and Bowie gone, we only have Jagger’s thoughts … and he ain’t happy.

The topic of Harry Styles was brought up during a recent interview between The Rolling Stones and The Times of London, and while Mick said he likes Harry, he says he was way more androgynous back in the day and that Harry is a “superficial resemblance” to his younger self and doesn’t “move on stage” like him.

Well, I’m sure he doesn’t move like Jagger … gag me with as Maroon 5 reference and Adam Levine squawking out a lyric … because Harry probably still has his original hips.

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I guess when you divorce the world’s best-known Church of $cientology cult member, they really do erase you from his past. Am I right, Tommy?

Apparently there was a video of Tom Cruise’s illustrious career that played at Cannes before the premiere of Tom’s latest remake-reboot-rehash of a Tom Cruise film—let’s be clear, Cruise doesn’t make movies, he remakes movies—and there was one glaring omission.

Nicole Kidman—who was married to Tiny Tom  for 11 years and starred in three movies with him—was the only leading lady not included in the 10-minute montage that played at Cannes.

All of Cruise’s other co-stars—including Kirsten Dunst, Renée Zellweger and Penelope Cruz, whom he dated for three years—were featured in clips, but apparently, Tom’s love interest in “Days of Thunder,” “Far and Away” and “Eyes Wide Shut” wasn’t Nicki Kidman but was Tom Cruise himself.

Sounds about right.

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Grammy Musings

First off, I'm old, because, a lot of the time during the show, I was like, Who's that? 

And, one time, that was Mick Jagger, looking rather old, but still rather spry. I mean, he had more energy than Justin Bieber, that kid with the hair.

Now, the show started off strong enough, with a tribute to Aretha, no last name needed. 

Christina redeemed herself, you know, by remembering all the words, although there is some YouTube footage of her taking a tumble as the song ended. I hope it was  a simple slip, and not the Beginnings Of A Britney Meltdown.

Christina sang alongside Yolanda Adams--Thanks to DavidDust for setting me queer on that as I first called her Oleta Adams, though I was also thinking Morticia Adams!--who never met a riff or run she didn't want to take, and Martina MacBride, who seemed as out of place as I would be at an Eminem concert. Florence Something-or-other, of Florence + The Machine, who, well, let's just move along. But, saving the day was my girl, Jennifer Hudson. JHud looked f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s and sounding amazing. She showed them other girls how it's done. 

There's talk of a movie based on Aretha's life. theer's talk of Halle Berry...I know!...playing Aretha. Note to producers: look no further and sign JHud now.

Uh huh.

The big moment :::yawn::: arrived when Gaga came out in the egg like a 21st century Mork. 

I found the whole thing uninspired. I found the song a little meh. People say it's a knock-off of some old Madonna number, well, I dunno about that, I just know it wasn't as great as the hype. Plus, her, um, for lack of a better word, dancing? Herky...followed quickly by...jerky. Don't get me wrong, Gaga can sing, but this wasn't as good, or as big, as the hype.

Ryan Seacrest is on every show and he's annoying on every show.

Bruno Mars is pretty and tiny. He's the perfect Pocket Gay...not that he's gay, I mean, I don't know, it's just that he's so pretty.

Dierks Bentley is hot.

Justin Bieber can't sing. Usher is an ego in leather. Jaden Smith is....wait....WTF is Jaden Smith doing there?

Doesn't Miley Cyrus have enough money not to dress like trailer trash wearing motel drapes as a dress?

Jamie Foxx is an ass.

Cee-lo. Really? Muppets? Paltrow? Whose acid trip idea was this?

Why, and not that I mind, but I'm just asking, why does NPH make an appearance on every single awards show ever? Just last week, he was a presenter at the Smallville Pie Eating Contest. Seriously.

I don't get Katy Perry. Why are her eyes too big for her head? No, really, next time you see her, look at her eyes. They take up 30% of her melon....and I don't mean melons.  

Keith Urban is hot.

Norah Jones is fantastic.

John  Mayer is over.

Poor Barbra Streisand. The Voice is nowhere near what it was once.

Skeletor and JLo. He rambles. She looked pissed. And, her hair extensions look like something she picked up on the side of the road. As in roadkill.

Why does Rihanna get two songs? I mean, a double Dose of Rihanna, when a Single Dose is Two Times more than anyone needs?

After some 14 hours of so-so performances, we finally got some music that was cool and made me wanna get up out my chair and dance around the living room.

Of course, it was a group I'd never heard of, which makes me wonder, do they play any real, good, music in South Carolina?

See, this was good.

This was Arcade Fire.

And then they go and win Album of the Year. Streisand seemed stunned when she announced their win. But they did.

Arcade Fire, baby.