The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, Mike Smith, Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Bruce Plante, Michael de Adder, Adam Zyglis, Darrin Bell, JD Crowe,

I Didn't Say It ...

Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who testified against IMPOTUS  in his impeachment before being fired by him, giving his opinion of _____:

“President _____ should be considered to be a useful idiot and a fellow traveler, which makes him an unwitting agent of Putin. … They may or may not have dirt on him, but they don’t have to use it. They have more effective and less risky ways to employ him. He has aspirations to be the kind of leader that Putin is, and so he admires him. He likes authoritarian strongmen who act with impunity, without checks and balances. So, he’ll try to please Putin. … In the Army we call this ‘free chicken,’ something you don’t have to work for—it just comes to you. This is what the Russians have in ______: free chicken.”

Well, the chicken part I get. Draft dodger.

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Levi Davis, a former Bath and England rugby player and Celebrity X-Factor contestant, coming out as bisexual:

“Hi guys. I just want to tell you something that’s been eating away at me for four years now. I want to be open and honest with you boys, as friends and team-mates. I’m bisexual. It’s something I have known since I was 18. Hiding who you are can kill you – and has killed people,” Davis added. “I don’t know yet where I am going, but by talking today I can walk hand-in-hand with whoever I want, and it won’t matter anymore because it’s out there. I realize, though, that I am a bit niche and difficult to categorize: a black, bisexual, privately educated rugby professional.”

Welcome Out, Levi, and please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ. the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and a copy of the Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

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Bob Woodward, journalist, on _____ knowing about the dangers of COVID-19 and failing to tell the American people:

 “It was a stunning moment in the _____ presidency, and, I think, in American history. Because he then went on to publicly dismiss the virus. And he knew that this was a pandemic coming … and he said, ‘Well I don’t want to create a panic.’ We know from history when the public is told the truth, they organize. We have a problem, we’re going to step up. And ______ thought, ‘oh well, they’ll panic when there’s a crisis.’ The President, particularly knows something, it’s time to tell the public in some form. He failed. This is the tragedy. The President of the United States has a duty to warn. The public will understand, but if they get the feeling that they’re not getting the truth, then you’re going down the path of deceit and cover-up.”

He didn’t warn us because it would have made him look weak, so he let the country collapse, the economy crumble, businesses shutter, people die, all for his ego.

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Seth Meyers, Late Night host, blasting FOX News’ Lou Dobbs for saying _____ had his best day ever when the Woodward story broke:

“I’ve heard of brown-nosing, but apparently Dobbs is in there so deep his hair turned brown. Normally when an old man says something like that you have to tell him, ‘Grandpa, Harry Truman is dead!’”

Lou Dobbs knows where his bread is buttered so he toe’s the Fox News line, lest he be ousted for, or I don’t know, being a true journalist and not a lackey/

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Peter Strzok, former FBI agent, on believing _____ is working with the Russians:

“I believed at the time in 2016 and I continue to believe that Donald ______ is compromised by the Russians. And when I say that I mean that they hold leverage over him that makes him incapable of placing the national interest, the national security ahead of his own. One of the largest ways that people in foreign governments gain leverage, certainly in the case of the president, is through financial entanglements. And I think when you take a look at the _____ financial enterprise, particularly its relationship with Russian, with Russian monies and potentially those related to organized crime and other elements, that those interactions have placed him in a position where the Russians have leverage over him and are able to influence his actions.”

And all those rightwingnut, America first, faux-patriots who went crazy over a black man in the White House, goose-step along with a Russian asset.

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Harry Reid, former Senate Majority Leader, sounding positive about the down ballot voting this November:

“I think we’re going to retake the Senate. I think we’re going to win in Colorado, Montana, Maine, North Carolina, [David] Perdue’s seat in Georgia — we’re going to win in Arizona. And we’re in good shape in Iowa. If I’m only right on three of those we’ll still take the Senate.”

And if we do, and if _____ is reelected, then the Democrats can block him at every turn, and impeach his traitorous flabby ass.

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Carrie Evans, member of the Minot, North Dakota City Council, speaking to bigots who were objecting to the city flying a Pride Flag during Pride Month:

“So Mr. Walker, if you’re not aware, and I think a lot of people in this room are not aware, and have come here just because this is a gay issue, I am proudly the first openly elected lesbian in North Dakota. So that is why I am not paying any heed to your crap! We, the people. I’m the people. I live in Minot. I am a taxpayer. I am a person. I get to see myself represented on that flagpole just as much as the people who got the Juneteenth flag last month, as much as the POW/MIA will get later this month. Every single person is entitled to see themselves represented. We are not some group of people who live in San Francisco or Seattle. We are HERE. We are your elected officials. We are your brothers. we are your sisters, and don’t tell me you’re not hatred or anger. That’s all I feel. I’ve had to listen to it for days now, as has the mayor and many of my colleagues. It is unacceptable! This city is big enough for all of us. Me having a flag flying does not take away anything from your rights. But you know what it does for me? It shows me I live in a city that appreciates and embraces me, and my community. And I can live here and feel safe. That’s what it does. I’m sorry that it doesn’t make you feel comfortable, but we’re here, we’re queer, and we’re not going away!”

Mic drop.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Ryan Murphy, on the end of Glee after its next (sixth) season:

“The final year of the show, which will be next year, was designed around Rachel and Cory/Finn’s story. I always knew that, I always knew how it would end. I knew what the last shot was, he was in it. I knew what the last line was, she said it to him. So when a tragedy like that happens you sort of have to pause and figure out what you want to do, so we’re figuring that out now.”

Sadness.

Harry Reid, on Ted Cruz: 

"Ted Cruz is smart. He has always been able to talk down to people. He is now in the Senate. People are as smart as he is. He can't talk down to anyone anymore. But he has still not accepted that in his own head. He still thinks he's smarter than everybody else. He might be able to work a calculus problem better than I can. But he can't legislate better than I can."

Who knew Harry was so good at throwin’ shade?

Cory Booker, Newark, New Jersey mayor and Senator-elect, officiating at the marriage of Orville Bell, responding to a heckler who shouted, "This is unlawful in the eyes of God!":

"Not hearing any substantive, worthy objections, I now will proceed."

Snap.

Jim Parsons, on his life with partner Todd Spiewak, as he accepted GLSEN's Inspiration Award:

"I've never considered myself an activist. I have never considered my relationship with Todd to be an act of activism. Rather it is simply an act of love. Coffee in the morning. Going to work. Washing the clothes. Taking the dogs...regular life boring love"

Just like everybody else.

Is that so wrong?

Carlo Key, Bexar, Texas County Criminal Court Judge, on leaving the GOP to seek reelection as a Democrat:

“I can no longer be a member of the Republican Party. For too long, the Republican Party has been at war with itself. Rational Republican beliefs have given way to ideological character assassinations. Pragmatism and principal have been overtaken by pettiness and bigotry. Make no mistake: I have not left the Republican Party. It left me. I cannot tolerate a political party that demeans Texans based on their sexual orientation, the color of their skin or their economic status. I will not be a member of a Party in which hate speech elevates candidates for higher office rather than disqualifying them. I cannot place my name on the ballot for a political party that is proud to destroy the lives of hundreds of thousands of federal workers over the vain attempt to repeal a law that would provide health care to millions of people throughout our country."

The GOP is losing it, and losing it big time.

I feel an implosion coming.

Steve Lonegan, loser, and loser to Cory Booker for the New Jersey Senate, on his defeat:

"There is no doubt in my mind or in the minds of any of my campaign staff that the shutdown cost me the election. If I had known it was going to happen and that it was going to be handled so badly in Washington, I wouldn't have run for the Senate. Republicans had a chance to win a U.S. Senate seat and in the process send a powerful message to Obama and instead they shut down government with no message and no game plan. I was probably the single biggest casualty of their mistake."

Oh, honey, you lost because you trotted out the likes of dumbass, dim bulb, Mama Grizzly Bore™ to campaign for you and the world is over her.

And you.

David Mixner, on the ACA website glitches:

"Stop bickering and complaining about technical glitches. Maybe it could have been done a little better but hell, at least you aren't getting some person on the phone who has no medical training saying you have to go home after your surgery and then almost die because of that decision."

Perspective; just a little perspective.

Mitch McConnell: Fighting Against Gun Control Because He's In The Pocket Of The NRA

What’s the deal with gun control? Why is the idea of background checks, and of keeping guns out of the hands of, oh, I dunno, criminals and crazies, such a bad thing?

I mean, surely the majority of Americans are sick and tired of reading about school shooting and mall massacres and want something done about it. Even the President is fighting for some kind of gun control; control, remember, not confiscation, so wipe that NRA lie from your mind.

But, while we argue, and while more folks die from gun-related deaths, Senate Minority Leader, and In-The-Pocket-Of-The-NRA-Republican, Mitch McConnell has announced via spokes-tool that he will filibuster the gun package that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid wants to bring up.

McConnell spokesman Don Stewart: "Sen. McConnell opposes the Reid bill, while nobody knows yet what Sen. Reid’s plan is for the gun bill, if he chooses to file cloture [The only procedure by which the Senate can vote to place a time limit on consideration of a bill and thereby overcome a filibuster.] on the motion to proceed to the Reid bill, Sen. McConnell will oppose cloture on proceeding tot that bill.”

Let's backtrack a minute, shall we? McConnell says he opposes the Reid bill yet does not know what the plan for the bill might be? So, he's gonna filibuster and fight for something that he doesn't know about yet? Why?

NRA money. I mean what else could it be? Why else would you want to run roughshod over a discussion of a bill about which you know nothing, unless you are afraid of pissing off the money guys? Or the Teabaggers.

See, McConnell is the fifteenth Republican to jump on the bandwagon of the filibuster effort being led by Tea Party asshat Rand Paul. He could have chosen to stay out of it, letting the votes happen on the gun package, and thereby putting the pressure on House Speaker John Boehner to decide the bill's fate, if it even made it out of the Senate. Instead, McConnell is making a calculated decision to be part of the filibuster effort that could derail the entire push for gun control legislation.

No gun control, in a country that has been decimated by guns. Ask yourself why. Why not background checks? Why not tighter controls on where and when and by who guns can be bought and sold.

Then ask yourself why Mitch McConnell doesn’t care about gun control. Perhaps it’s the $19,000 the NRA donated McConnell, the largest donation to any member of Congress. Seems pretty clear, to Mitch McConnell gun deaths are less important than campaign contributions.

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The Mittsy Chronicles: Put Up or Shut Up

I love a good bitchfight. I loved when Teresa flipped the table on The Real Housewives of New Jersey and I love when the designers on Project Runway ‘throw someone under a bus’ on the catwalk. It’s fun.

So, I am loving the Mittsy and Harry Reid Show over Mittsy’s refusal to share his tax returns, something most people, including Mittsy’s father, think a presidential candidate should do if he has nothing to hide.

Reid speaks on the House floor, telling us all that he has a ‘source’ who says Romney paid no taxes for many years and Mittsy hightails to unfair and unbalanced Faux News and sits on Sean Hannity’s lap, moaning for Harry to stop. It’s fun, I tell ya, fun!

Mittsy: “Well, it’s time for Harry to put up or shut up. Harry’s gonna have to describe who it is he spoke with because of course that’s totally and completely wrong. It’s untrue, dishonest and inaccurate. It’s wrong. So I’m looking forward to have Harry reveal his sources and we’ll probably find out that it’s the White House.”

Except, that even people who may like Mittsy, and there are some of you, are having trouble understanding why he doesn’t just show the tax returns. I mean, wouldn’t that end the argument once and for all. Just show the birth certificate….Oh, wait, that was another story. But, see, Obama showed the birth certificate, and other than a few crazies, it was accepted. So, if Obama can offer his ‘proof’ why can’t Mittsy? Show us the tax returns. It’d make Harry Reid look like a liar. It would score points for you with your constituents. So why doesn’t he do it?

Maybe Harry Reid is onto something: 

There is a controversy because the Republican presidential nominee, Governor Mitt Romney, refuses to release his tax returns. As I said before, I was told by an extremely credible source that Romney has not paid taxes for ten years. People who make as much money as Mitt Romney have many tricks at their disposal to avoid paying taxes. We already know that Romney has exploited many of these loopholes, stashing his money in secret, overseas accounts in places like Switzerland and the Cayman Islands.

Last weekend, Governor Romney promised that he would check his tax returns and let the American people know whether he ever paid a rate lower than 13.9 percent. One day later, his campaign raced to say he had no intention of putting out any further information.

When it comes to answering the legitimate questions the American people have about whether he avoided paying his fair share in taxes or why he opened a Swiss bank account, Romney has shut up. But as a presidential candidate, it’s his obligation to put up, and release several years’ worth of tax returns just like nominees of both parties have done for decades.

It’s clear Romney is hiding something, and the American people deserve to know what it is. Whatever Romney’s hiding probably speaks volumes about how he would approach issues that directly impact middle-class families, like tax reform and the economy. When you are running for president, you should be an open book.

I understand Romney is concerned that many people, Democrats and Republicans, have been calling on him to release his tax returns. He has so far refused. There is only one thing he can do to clear this up, and that’s release his tax returns.

Seems simple, no? I mean if you can prove beyond a doubt that a statement made by another party is an outright lie, wouldn’t you do it?  I mean, even if it turns out Mittsy paid a lower tax rate than his already unbelievably low 13.9%, at least he’d prove he paid taxes.

Now it just looks like he’s another rich guy paying nothing. Now it just looks like he’s the 1% who don’t think they need to pay their share. Now it just looks like he’s a liar.

Mittsy can’t release the returns, because of what they contain and Harry Reid—and most of us—know this, and so every time Mittsy lies about his tax returns, he digs himself in a little deeper and the GOP watches their chance to defeat Obama fade away. Such a shame.

I giggle.

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One Step Back, But........

Well, discrimination is still in fashion and that inequality rules.

The Senate rejected the Defense Department appropriations bill that contained a measure approving repeal of DADT by a vote of 57-40

GOP goosesteppers Scott Brown, Olympia Snowe, Mark Kirk, Lisa Murkowski, and Democrat Joe Manchin all voted "No" on the measure. Brown had originally said he'd vote Yes, but apparently flip-flopping along party lines is what he does best. Senator Susan Collins, after leading the Republican charge against the bill, also changed her mind, and voted "yes".

It disgusts me that, in this country, we cannot see discrimination for what it is, and where it is, and have politicians choose to legislate it. We are so beyond the time that sexual orientation is something to be feared. I am writing to both honorable [sarcasm] senators from South Carolina, Lindsay Graham and Jim DeMint, to tell them what i think of their bigoted, homophobic vote.

I am angry that we have no leadership in this country to stand up against discrimination. I am tired of our politicians simply dancing around the issue, and playing word games so as not to anger conservatives. There was no leadership from the President or Congress on the issue; it was all rhetoric.

And it disgusts me. But........

Alexander Nicholson, Executive Director of Servicemembers United and a former U.S. Army interrogator who was discharged under DADT, said in a statement: "This was a major failure on the part of the Senate to simply do its job and pass an annual defense authorization bill. Politics prevailed over responsibility today, and now more than one million American servicemembers, including tens of thousands of gay and lesbian troops, are worse off as a result. Since the votes are there in isolation, the Senate should still consider a stand-alone bill to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' law before adjourning for the winter holidays."

Which is what Senators Joe Lieberman and Susan Collins are planning. they hope to introduce a stand-alone DADT repeal bill, and Harry Reid Promises a vote on it. And I am hoping these are not just empty promises, but the real deal.

Let's hope we get two steps forward before this session of Congress ends.

You Voted 'Em In.......

It looked promising, there, for a moment, but mere hours after Democrats and Republicans agreed to bargain on tax cuts, and just minutes after Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged Congress to repeal DADT this year, it was discovered that the Republicans weren't having it. Any of it.

Remember how angry they were two years ago when the Democrats swept into power and they turned into the Party of No? Remember how they voted against everything Democratic without offering their own solutions?

Well, they're at it again.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid received a letter written by Senate Minority Leader and Senate Minority Fucktard Mitch McConnell, and signed by all 42 Republicans, stating that the GOP will block any and all debate on every single bit of legislation until the Bush tax cuts--once again, the tax cuts for the richest Americans, most of them Republicans--are extended. See, they won't do anything until the rich get richer.

Sounds like they screwed the Tea Party, after months of putting their GOP lips firmly against teabagger sphincter.

The letter reads:

"[W]e write to inform you that we will not agree to invoke cloture on the motion to proceed to any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers. With little time left in this Congressional session, legislative scheduling should be focused on these critical priorities. While there are other items that might ultimately be worthy of the Senate's attention, we cannot agree to prioritize any matters above the critical issues of funding the government and preventing a job-killing tax hike."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's response:

"My Republican colleagues...know that the true effect of this letter is to prevent the Senate from acting on many important issues that have bipartisan support. With this letter, they have simply put in writing the political strategy that the Republicans pursued this entire Congress: Namely, obstruct, delay action on critical matters, and then blame the Democrats for not addressing the needs of American people. Very cynical, but very obvious. Very transparent."

So, when you think that they are there to work for you, understand that they are not. They are there to insure that the rich stay rich, and everyone else stays just where there are today.
That's your GOP, people. Aren't you thrilled you voted them in?

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Hate Crimes Passage Not A Given Just Yet

The Matthew Shepard Act, the Hate crimes bill, passed on a voice vote yesterday.

Good news indeed, as it extends protections of the forty-one-year-old hate crimes law to include sexual orientation and gender identity.

The bad news is that the Matthew Shepard Act was attached as an amendment to a defense spending bill. It is partially linked to $1.75 billion in funding for F-22 fighter jets.

Hate crimes and fighter jets? How does that happen?

President Obama and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates both oppose the F-22 program and a White House spokesperson said the president will not sign a DOD bill that continues to fund the program.

So, the Matthew Shepard Act may not pass because they attached to a bill about fighter planes. Am I the only one that finds this nonsensical?
Majority Leader and optimist Harry Reid feels a rewritten bill will eventually pass with the hate crimes amendment in place.