I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Apparently some Middle Eastern prince paid $500,000 to spend 15 minutes with Kristen Stewart who says she had Harvey Weinstein — obviously Harvey’s a full-fledged pimp now — broker the deal and she then donated the proceeds to Hurricane Sandy relief.

Still, it begs the question, er, questions, what did the prince get for his half-a-mil, and if we could all scrape up enough money maybe we could pay Kristen Stewart to give up acting.

I kid ... she's no actress.

So, last week the big news was that a Lohan, a Dina Lohan, was arrested for being drunk and driving and, I think for being a bad parent. I might be wrong about the last one though I think she’s guilty nonetheless.

However, after being all drunk and shiz on the side of the road, Dina engaged the services of one Mark Heller, who might sound like a familiar name and he is, because he's the lawyer Lindsay fired just before she went to her rehab lockdown.

Apparently Mama Lohan didn’t get that memo.

And Mark Heller, who is ALLEGDLY the worst lawyer in the world, released this statement:

“Dina Lohan is a good person." ... Okay stop. I need to laugh ... "Her life has been dedicated to her four children." ... Okay stop. And a box of wine ... "She has worked hard her entire life and she has been a ‘Parent Trapped’ with the entire world watching her in a fishbowl with murky water due to no fault of her own.”

Okay, stop. Just stop. 

Dina is no victim; she's a self-entitled, fame-whoring-drunk-ass party parent who needs a good long time out of her own. Perhaps her oldest daughter might suggest a rehab?

Jaden Smith, the spoiled brat offspring of Will Smith and his beard wife Jada had quite the opinion of education, and shares with the world via Twitter:

Wow, a self-entitled rich kid, who has been given a career because his parents bought one for him, thinks education is a waste of time.

Good thing Mommy and Daddy are rich because if Jaden ever had to live in the real world, he wouldn't know his head from a hole in the ground.

I might be able to swing my way into lesbianism if I could score a paycheck like Tammy Lynn Michaels — Melissa Etheridge's ex — and then whine about how hard I have it.

Michaels is a textbook example of someone so out of touch that she makes Jaden Smith seem like he might actually have a brain. See, Michaels constantly complains about being broke even though she is paid a monthly alimony of $26,000; plus, PLUS, a percentage of Etheridge’s royalties which, last year, gave Michaels another $60,000 monthly.

And still she complains, taking to Twitter recently — because where else does a spoiled rich girl go to complain — to whine about being a million in debt with no health insurance. Must be hard to pay for insurance on 86K a month.

My heart, like Tammy Lynn Michaels' insides, or so she says, bleeds.

This isn’t really gossip, but it’s Cher, bitches. So there!

With a new albumin set to drop, Cher’s been hitting the publicity circuit pretty hard, and, as happens with Cher, she says whatever she wants because, I’ll say it again, it’s Cher, bitches.

She talked about the debut of her new song ‘Woman’s World’ on The Voice lasts season:

“Right before I walked out there [to perform on The Voice], I told my mom, ‘I’m so sweating it. I’m a has-been. My career is nothing.’ It’s my first time out of the box in 12 years, in front of 20 million people. … It gets harder when you’re working against girls in their 20s. Tell me who at my age is making a record and wants to be on radio? When I started out, I thought I’d be dead by now.”

And one of those girls in her 20s in Twerking-Tongue-Diva, Miley I’ll-do-anything-to-be-noticed Cyrus, and Cher isn’t having her:

“I’m not old-fashioned. She could have come out naked, and if she’d just rocked the house, I would have said, ‘You go, girl.’ It just wasn’t done well. She can’t dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn’t great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don’t stick out your tongue if it’s coated.”

Snap. And I’ll say it a third time, It’s Cher, bitches!

This may fall into the category of complete and utter rubbish, but it’s so icky — and because it’s Demi it might be true — but it’s worth telling.

The story is that Grandma Demi Moore has traded in her young bucks for a man more in line with her age, because, ALLEGEDLY, Demi is dating 66-year-old businessman Peter Morton.

It’s good right? Well, except that Peter Morton has three kids, one of whom is Harry Morton who has, and this is where some of the ick comes in, recently dated Demi Moore himself.

So, ALLEGEDLY, one of two things happened: either Demi decided to trade up from son to dad, or Harry decided Demi was more step-mama than girlfriend.

Now, ready for the rest of the ick? I knew you were. Before he dated Demi Moore, Harry Morton was dating her daughter Rumer.

Like I said, Ick.

Young man dates young girl then dumps her and a few months later starts to date her mother and few months later he dumps the mother who starts dating his father.

Ick. I know.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Since hooking up with serial cheater Eddie Cibrian more than three years ago, LeAnn Rimes has been at constant odds with the actor’s ex-wife, Brandi Glanville, and now the feud has taken on a new twist, with reports that LeAnn is Single White Female-ing Brandi.

“It’s out of control, the way LeAnn stalks Brandi,” an insider--who may be LeAnn herself, she's so desperate for attention--says. “Even LeAnn’s friends think it’s weird, but she can’t seem to help herself. If Brandi tweets a picture of herself in a bikini, LeAnn does the same thing. If Brandi talks about becoming a dermatologist, LeAnn suddenly starts talking about it on Twitter…it’s really strange!”

Even Brandi picked up on the Single White Female vibes from LeAnn--and blasted the singer for her copycat ways: “Someone is obviously stalking my facebook & copies my every move, even my bikini pics!! Creepy! I said it once I will say it again STALKER!!”

Brandi’s longtime confidante Jennifer Gimenez she believes LeAnn’s severe lack of self-esteem--for which LeAnn was recently rehabbed--is the root cause of her unusual behavior: “She copies everything that Brandi does. She even exchanged her black Range Rover for a white one because that’s what Brandi drives! If Brandi gets a new bag or shoes, within a week you will see LeAnn with the exact same thing.”

The issues run so deep, insiders say, that LeAnn even seeks out the same professionals Brandi employs to keep up with her longtime love rival: “LeAnn used Brandi’s boob doctor, Garth Fisher; her dentist, Dr. Duane McKay; her hairstylist, Kim Vo; her dermatologist, Dr. Harold Lancer; and the same Botox guy at Dr. Applebaum’s!”

Maybe she could use Brandi's shrink to deal with her stalking issues, and why she’s so eager to look and act like her husband's ex-wife.

Unless she knows she'll one day be another one of Eddie’s cheated on exes.

Tommy Grrl is the queen of his castle and like every queen, he runs it as tight as his....

Anyway, it seems Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and an entire team of Brazilian shot-putters who lift him up and into his shoes every day,

And he likes to keep his shiz working like a clock. Casa Tommy Grrl is split into several zones and each member of his staff is assigned a specific zone and aren't allowed to wander into other areas in fear of being cut into small pieces and fed to Tommy's Chihuahua.

A source--and you know it’s Suri who misses her daddy since he, ALLEGEDLY, never visits--says, "Tom runs his household staff with absolute military precision and with the utmost attention paid to security. His Bel Air mansion is divided into zones, meaning that housekeepers and other support staff that work in the kitchen and food preparation area, aren't permitted to go into another area of the house that falls outside of their allocated zone. It's a huge house and Tom does this to ensure the safety of his family and children when they are visiting. The only members of household staff that have access to the entire house is the estate manager and the head of security."

Of course Tommy gets Scientology; his estate manager is a recent graduate of the Scientology Celebrity Center, and is an expert at outfitting the rest of the household staff--Tommy's makeup guys, the man who cinches him into his man girdle, Dr Botox--with those electric shock collars dog's wear; one misstep into a different zones and a bolt of electricity instantly subdues the help.

I mean, god forbid anyone walks in on Tommy getting a Travolta massage.

ALLEGEDLY.

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan is ready to seek help, and just in time; she's scheduled to be back in court for lying to the cops and probation violation next month, so she needs to make a move.

So, is she going all high class rehab, with spa treatments and call boys?

Nope. Some say Lindsay will check into a mental hospital to deal with her issues. I heard she's getting a Two-fer deal and is asking Dina to join her.

See, Lindsay has continued her downward spiral since she was busted for pslugging a psychic in a bar last month and now pals of the troubled actress are saying there is only one thing that can save her: mental ward.

“At this point, Lindsay is so screwed up that her only hope of survival is an intense stint in a mental hospital under expert care,” an insider--Howe's that new Franzia Chardonnay, Dina--says. ‘The problem is that she surrounds herself with users and ‘yes’ people, including her own mother. They’re nothing but phonies and takers – and they’re letting her run wild! Family members and old friends who truly care about her believe that her last chance is being admitted to a facility for a completely mental evaluation.”

This sounds plausible, you know, for Lohan, because if she checks into a mental ward it might keep the judge from giving her real jail time, and might give her a minute to reflect on the Life of LiLo.

You know, like facing jail time for allegedly lying to police about that car crash last June.

And for restructuring her finances after the IRS hit her with a $250,000 bill for back taxes.

And, most importantly, for forgetting about Liz and Dick.

Another day, another story of Demi Moore,

Last we heard, she was getting dumped by her 26 year-old hookup for bringing him too much negative attention to him at Art Basel in Miami when he was trying to do business as an art dealer. Moore was seen generally acting the fool, dancing in short shorts while other people were seated around her and trying to remember if she was once someone famous.

Her daughters--not really the best moral compasses themselves--are worried because Demi has been partying every night "until almost 4:30 a.m. She was by far the biggest party animal, her clothes coming off, making everyone uncomfortable. For the past 15 years, Demi’s been dancing on tabletops trying to hang on to her youth.”

Now, she's trying to hang on to youths as they help her lift her bad hip atop the tables.

So, Demi's girls, who stood by her after her split from Grandbaby/Husband, Ashton Kutcher, thinking she was just “distraught” are now annoyed that Mama Demi's behavior has grown increasingly erratic--with her major weight loss, hard partying and cougar lifestyle taking center stage.

The girls realize that they should be out clubbing and their mama waiting up at home to chastise them for being drunken bar whores.

Not the other way around.

Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possession--like her career, her California Department of Motor Vehicle pamphlets on The Dangers of Drunk Driving, and vat after vat of Chardonnay for Dina, and a copy of Dina's real birth certificate from 1919--is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?

Maybe so. A talent company, 123Talent, is claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs. They've begun sending out emails with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

I've already hired Lohan to clean the litter boxes at Casa Bob y Carlos.

In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist” and includes a hastily photoshopped composite of the star, and lists all of Lohan’s film and television stints, like "I Know Who Killed Me,” "Life Size” and “Liz & Dick.”

I'm already planning on booking Lindsay to do yardwork, while Carlos and I dress as Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson and reenact scenes from "The Parent Trap."

The last time Melissa Etheridge’s ex, Tammy Lynn Michaels, complained about Melissa only paying $23,000 a month child in support payment, people didn’t have much sympathy for her. I mean, seriously, raising two kids in a house paid for by your ex on about a grand a day isn't exactly a hardship.

But it must be for Tammy, because she's once again taken to her blog to whine about having to cancel Christmas because she's worried Melissa's check won't arrive in time:

“Fascinating you know— secrets, they are. People, places, things and accounts, houses, waived rights AND relationships, money —-secrets are sick—a sign of an illness within—disease.

Playing games with money—phoney baloney—hide and seek—can you find the ball under the clam shell? —christmas is coming—chase the check—chase the check —chase the check—can’t —catch it—oh watch the girl go—empty stockings and tiny boxes—-don’t worry– —i’ll teach them what’s important.

Nothing close to —what i have to chase in the stupid mail box—but rather—what is in the heart—which could never–never never ever be found in a mail box anyway…………… millionaires in their mansions—-tricking with trusts—-hiding money from Paul behind Peter—–just to steal from the minor in the end—-integrity is a mystery in—-the town of gold dust—-pyrite—fool’s gold —-at times i do feel——as narcissistic as this sounds—that i might be the only —one—with a moral compass—-this side of the Indiana State Line. —tell me it’s not true—-no—-show me—-show me—-someone show me it’s not true.”

Maybe Tammy should put away the pen, shut down the blog, and get her ass down to the Starbucks on La Cienega and whip me up a Mochachino and stop whining about the hardships of raising children on 23K a month.

Seriously. Is she related to Mittsy?

Sharon Stone is wackadoo but she's not Demi wackadoo.

It seems Stone is wanting to enroll her son, Roan, into the exclusive LA Buckley School--sidenote: we have a Buckley School in Smallville, so maybe Sharon could bring Roan here and stay in our guest room--and recently took a tour of the facilities and drove the other parents crazy with crazy questions, like:

 ‘Why does the school start so early?’ 

‘Why do you offer those classes? 

'Can I add a class?’

'My vagina? Better or worse since Basic Instinct?'

Should I have really done Law & Order SVU?'

Like I said, crazy, but in a good way.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

This is just so juicy. Probably not true at all, but, man, it's juicy, so I'm gonna share it.

People are jealous of Matt Lauer. Well, except for that whole losing his hair thing. But, you must admit, he's got a hot body, seems like a nice guy, and just signed a new contract with The Today Show which nets him $25 million a year. So, yeah, there's a lot to love, and loathe, there.

But, here's some of the juice: Lauer is ALLEGEDLY sick of Ann Curry--and really, who isn't--and he's trying to get her fired. Taking all that into account, the good looks, the lotsa dough, the trying to edge out his co-host, and the rumors start flying.....like this other juice: Matt Lauer might have fathered Natalie Morales’s youngest son. 

Right after signing that $25 million-a-year contract with NBC, insiders at competing networks are telling the tale that the 54-year-old married newsman is the father of one of Natalie Morales' children.

Indeed, they are telling that story.

A source--and by source, I mean Katie Couric, now that she's at ABC--says: “I heard that Matt had an affair with Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.” Okay, Matt is losing his hair, and most babies are bald, so, well, I could see the resemblance, too.

But......another industry source--and I think it's Ann Curry trying to save her ass--says: “The Matt Lauer love child scandal is the worst-kept-secret among the network morning shows. Everyone’s talking about it--even at NBC. He’s trying to get Ann Curry dumped as co-anchor, and those loyal to her also talking it up. Matt has enemies inside and outside the shows Studio 1A, and if he’s got this giant skeleton in his closet, there are many who want to see it come out.”'

And Lauer does have the dawg reputation. Back in Ott-Six, his wife Annette--while pregnant with their third child--filed for divorce before ultimately withdrawing the papers a month later. And the filing of that divorce did come while the rumors were surfacing that Matt and Morales were doing some kinky stuff under that desk.

Then, two years later, the rumors began again when Morales announced she was 12 weeks pregnant by husband Joe Rhodes. And, get this, when the National Enquirer gave Rhodes the chance to dispute the rumors of a Lauer/Morales fling,he did not deny them.

Ruh-roh.

I do love me juice in the morning.

I'm kinda, sorta thinking maybe Demi Moore checked out of rehab a little too fast.

Rumor Has It--God I love Adele....but I digress--that the former Missus Kutcher, who has been known to Tweet bikini pictures of herself to her then-husband/adulterer-boytoy, is now taking far more risque photos of herself and sending them to Ashton in that desperate "see what you're missing" kinda thing that high-school girls might do, but not really meant for women in their mid-to-late centuries.

But, to make it even sadder, and pathetic-er, it seems that Ashton's latest hook-up, passed round girl Rihanna, found the nude photos of Demi on Ashton’s phone and chewed him out for it. In fact, her jealous rage came on the set of 2.5 Men: a source--and by source, I mean, Jon Cryer, because he's desperate to keep his job--says Rihanna freaked out and fled the stage in fury after she “stumbled across” sexy, near-naked Demi-pics.

On the other side of this sick and twisted triangle, making it a rectangle, er, wrecktangle, or a pentagon, maybe, comes the story that Rihanna beater, Chris Brown, has asked Diddy--because Diddy knows all about relationships, y'all--to tell Ashton to stay away from Rihanna.

Because, you know, it's like high school in Hollywood.

On the Lohan front, now that she's on informal probation for the next two years, after not breaking the law for 120 days, Lindsay is set to hook it back up with former flame Samantha Ronson--and don't get too excited....that picture, over there, is Samandsy, er, Lindstha, back in the day.

I still remember how freaked out everyone acted when rumors surfaced that Lindsay was going lesbian. Now, comparing that to all her recent antics, Lindsay and Samantha seem almost normal. 

A source--Hey Dina! How's the chardonnay?--says old girl-on-girl habits die hard for Lindsay and she is determined to win back Samantha: "Lindsay has been asking Sam for another chance for months. She’s dated a few guys, but nothing has worked out....Lindsay's convinced Sam is the perfect partner for her.”

And does Lindsay prove her love for Samantha by, sending her flowers? No. Wooing her? Not so much. Stalking her? Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Lohan shows up at events where Sam will be. 

Lohan moved right next door to Sam in Venice Beach. 

Lohan would hang around the front of her house waiting for Ronson to come home.

Stalkers with money are the worst kind.

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Loathe her. Fame whore. 

She apparently has a sexy new Lifetime TV show where she plays a hooker, you know, because that's all edgy and stuff. And, as part of her shameless whore-sploitation, she's doing interviews where she’s talking about--wait for it--her lack of love life. 

And she's telling people that The Voice judge, and proponent of "pulling out" as a birth control method, Adam Levine, is single and she's like to be his real-life hooker.

On Ellen:

Ellen: Are you in a relationship, right now?

Jennifer: I am not. I am very single.

Ellen: You’re very single. Is that good, very single?

Jennifer: It’s good. Yes, it is. It’s good.

Ellen: Do you have you’re eye on anybody?

Jennifer: Well, yeah, I always have my eyes out… I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again…I’m just saying...Look, we would be cute…(photo of Adam). His haircut is hot.

How desperate is it to go on a TV show and beg a stranger for a date because you'd look 'cute'' togetehr? Oh yeah, I forgot. It's Jennifer Love Hewitt. 

Moron. Fame whore.

On the first season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Camille Grammer was portrayed as an evil bitch. And I bought it. The second season she was and sugar and spice, and we learned that her bitchiness was caused by the sudden breakup of her marriage to serial adulterer Kelsey Grammer. And all was forgiven, except...now it seems like Season One Camille is the real Camille.

She's been dating hottie lawyer, curly-haired, tanned hunk, Dimitri Charalambopoulos--I cannot pronounce his last name, but I can see him on a Greek island beach, in a speedo, feeding me grapes.....gimme a minute....okay, I'm back--for several months. 

She has him following her on a press tour where she's talking about how she hasn't signed on for RHoBH newest season because Bravo wants to film Camitry, or Dimille, and she's reluctant to open her private life up like that. 

We know this because she's on a press tour with Dimitry and telling us so. But, one thing we have learned about Camille is that she is so in love with Dimitry, and so ready to keep him at any cost, that she will do anything. 

See, an audiotape has surfaced, and heard in a custody case, in which Camille threatens Dimitri's baby mama, and during a videotaped deposition Dimitri was asked to listen to that phone call between Camille and his baby mama, Lisa, in which Camille threatens her: “If you go to the press, I have lawyers that are beyond what you can imagine and they will pull stuff on you and you will be so mortified about your life and your family and what you have done. You don’t want to do that to Marcus. I will desecrate you, believe me, and that I can do, so be careful what you say and what you do because my defamation attorneys are huge..they will hunt down and research every nook and cranny of your life.”

I just imagine Camille sitting in a big chair suspend by a chain from the ceiling and petting a large fluffy white cat while she says all that. 

And wouldn't that make good RHoBH TV?

We've talked about breakups and ALLEGED stalking makeups, and desperate wannabe hookups, now let's hit some divorce gossip.

Lesbian divorce gossip. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels.

While the two women were never legally married, even during those ten minutes when equality ruled in California, they did have a civil union ceremony. So, when they broke up, all sorts of stories came out, from both sides, about the other. Tammy was a gold digger. Melissa was a cheating bitch. Isn't it funny how heterosexual it all seems?

Anyway, they eventually worked out some sort of detente, and monthly support plan, and custody arrangement, and Melissa went on with her new life, new wife, new everything. But Tammy Lynn  is still not happy. She recently petitioned the court to increase her child and spousal support above and beyond the $23,000 a month she’s already getting. She is claiming that Melissa is alienating the children against her and that Melissa ALLEGEDLY didn’t give their son antibiotics he needed for his ear infection and will not get the children vaccinated. 

If you need proof that same-sex marriage is like opposite-sex marriage, look no further than a same-sex divorce.

Tammy, who starred in a couple of semi-popular TV shows back in the late 20th century, and early in the 21st, put her career on hold to be mommy to the couple's two children, and now she wants more of the, um, pie. She is claiming that it's hard to raise two kids on 23K a month, especially noting that Melissa earns roughly $177,882.00 a month. 

Tammy got used to an extravagant lifestyle while they were together  and this is just not fair. :::foot stomp...head snap::: Tammy also claims she has “virtually no savings” and would need “extensive retraining” if she were to rejoin the workforce. You know, because acting has changed so much in the five or six years since she gave it up.

Like I said, it all sounds so hetero to me.