The Funny Papers

Tim Campbell, Dennis Goris, Michel de Adder, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Chris Britt,  Kevin Kallaugher, Bill Bramhall, Matt Davies, Kevin Necessary, Gary Huck, Mike Luckovich, Lalo Alcaraz, Max Espinoza,

Bobservations

This Tale of Tuxedo is from June 2009 and entitled The Tuesday Tuxedo:

I loves me some Tuxedo.

We rescued him from life as a blood donor in an animal hospital in Miami. They said he was mean; unadoptable....is that a word? Nothing but trouble. And he was, for the first few days.

Now, four years later he's a loving cat who follows you around the house, sits in the kitchen when you cook, and plays catch the reflection in the bathroom before we go to bed.

He's my boy. I call him 'My boy' just to irk Carlos, and it does.

But anyway, enough of the love story between me and el gato. What I wanted to point out was how he sits at the top of the chair in our home office; his hind claws dug in for support and his front legs dangling down either side.

Cute. Right?

Not so much. He sits like that because he was declawed by a veterinarian who thought it might make him a better candidate for adoption. You know, less mean and aggressive. So they cut off his fingers; cat's claws are not like our fingernails, they are like our fingers. Cats use them to scratch and groom themselves, to pick up things, to play with things, and for protection. Cutting off his fingers wasn't a good idea. It didn't make him less aggressive, it made him more aggressive because now he has only his back feet and claws to use as a defense.

So, if you have a cat or want a cat, don't, don't, let anyone talk you into cutting off their fingers. If you want to declaw a cat because you have a leather sofa, or pretty velvet drapes, then either get rid of the cat or get rid of the couch and drapes. Or do like Carlos and I have done, train your cats not to claw the furniture. Because even though they don't show it, they are listening.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

When bullets fly where old powerful white men gather, suddenly a ballroom is a necessary solution but when school kids are targeted those same old powerful white men are speechless. 

Ernie Dosio, a millionaire big game hunter was out shooting yellow-backed duiker, a species of antelope, in Gabon when he and his guide surprised five female elephants with a calf in the Lope-Okanda rainforest.

He was trampled to death by that herd of elephants; the guide was left severely injured in the attack.

Sorry, not sorry.

Instead of going after Comey for a photo of seashells, they should be investigating the current President for threatening to kill an entire civilization.

PS 86 is a restaurant term for being out of something—86 soup means you’re out of soup—it has never meant kill.

Former Friends star Lisa Kudrow has revealed what kind of residuals the stars are earning now, twenty years after the show ended its run.

Sidenote: the cast renegotiated their contracts after the first year as a team so they would all be paid the same amount of money and each received $1 million an episode.

Now, as the show thrives in reruns each Friend still collects a whopping $20 million a year in residuals.

I knew I should have gotten the part on that show when I auditioned, but they went with Aniston instead!

Bobby Kennedy shared a screenshot of his father, RFK Jr.’s message after the “shooting” over the weekend; Bobby wrote:

"Pops you OK"

RFK Jr.'s current wife, actor Cheryl Hines, responded:

"Yes! Was crazy! Bobby’s security team came in so fast & took us out of the building. They were lifting me over chairs!"

When RFK Jr. finally responded, he gave his status:

"im really hungry"

Doesn’t sound so dangerous after all.

Luc Defont-Saviard is a prominent French fashion model recognized for his work with top luxury brands and international fashion houses and who lives in Nice, France; Nice is nice so Would You Hit It?

I Didn't Say It...

Michelle Obama, the greatest First Lady, on George W. Bush’s “refreshing” tradition of sharing candy” with her:

“He has the presence of mind and the sense of humor to bring me a mint, and he made it a point to give me that mint right then and there and that’s the beauty of George Bush. …  We’re all Americans. We all care about our family and our kids, and we’re trying to get ahead. And that’s how I feel about him. You know? He’s a beautiful, funny, kind, sweet man.”

I will say this, I never much cared for W, but seeing the sweet friendship he and Michelle Obama have, makes me like him a little more.

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James Comey, calling out the GOP for allowing _____ to attack the FBI and the Rule of Law:

“So another day of Hillary Clinton’s emails and the Steele dossier. This while the President of the United States is lying about the FBI, attacking the FBI, and attacking the rule of law in this country. How does that make any sense at all? Republicans used to understand that the actions of a President matter, the words of a President matter, the rule of law matters, and the truth matters. Where are those Republicans today? At some point, someone has to stand up and, in the face of fear of Fox News, fear of their base, fear of mean tweets, stand up for the values of this country and not slink away into retirement, but stand up and speak the truth.” 

The GOP is no more; now it’s just a band of rats trying to save themselves and putting themselves over their country, and their constituents.

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Sarah Silverman, comic, after being called for her own homophobic tweets in the wake of the Kevin Hart Oscar mess:

“Yeah, I’m done with that. I think I can find other ways to be funny. I mean, I used to say ‘gay’ all the time … ’oh, that’s so gay.’ We’re from Boston, we’d go, ‘That’s what we say in Boston. I have gay friends. I just say gay.’ And then I heard myself and I realized I was like the guy who said ‘What? I say colored … I have colored friends.’ And I realized it was stupid and I’m certainly creative enough to think of other words besides that, that don’t hurt people. But I f**k up all the time.”

At least she gets it; Kevin Hart still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. But, when you know better, you do better.

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Chuck Schumer, on _____’s “temper tantrum” over a border wall and threat of a government shutdown:

“President _____ should understand, there are not the votes for the wall in the House or the Senate. He is not going to get the wall in any form. Even the House, which is a majority Republican, they don’t have the votes for his 5 billion dollar wall plan. In fact, Ryan, afraid of what’s going to happen, sent all the House home, until Wednesday night, a day and half before the—two days before the shutdown. And they certainly don’t have the votes in the Senate. Now, we Democrats, Leader Pelosi and I, offered the president two options as to how to avoid the shutdown. And we should not let a temper tantrum, threats, push us in the direction of doing something that everybody, even our Republican colleagues, know is wrong. Leader McConnell has said we shouldn’t shut down the government. Chairman Shelby has said we shouldn’t shut down the government.”

But _____ is an infant who, if he doesn’t get his way, will punish innocent people during the holidays.

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Barack Obama, my President, about Texas striking down the Affordable Care Act:

“[Y]ou might have heard about a federal court decision on a Republican lawsuit trying to strike down the Affordable Care Act in its entirety. That can be a scary thing to hear, particularly if you or someone you care about has a pre-existing condition. And that’s why it’s so important for you to know that last night’s ruling changes nothing for now. As this decision makes its way through the courts, which will take months, if not years, the law remains in place and will likely stay that way. Open enrollment is proceeding as planned today. And a good way to show that you’re tired of people trying to take away your health care is to go get covered!”

Go get covered, and then vote out every single politician, Republican or Democrat, who works to take away your healthcare while they enjoy free healthcare. 

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The Funny Papers

Bill Day, Steve Benson, David Fitzsimmons, Drew Sheneman, David Horsey, Joe Heller, RJ Matson, Nate Beeler, Clay Bennett, Darrin Bell

I Didn't Say It ...

Rachel Maddow, on Michael Cohen’s disclosure that Sean Hannity was his third, previously undisclosed client.

“In court today we got the name of Cohen’s third client made public and honestly, don’t even ask me to tell you what it means … This is like: Every day you get up, you take a shower, you get dressed, you go out to the driveway to start the car. Every day it’s the same, you do this every single day of your life. Except today you got in the car, you put the key into the dashboard, you went to turn it to start the engine like you do every day and today the engine didn’t start and instead terrifying circus music started playing and the hood flew up and clowns and monkeys and elephants flew out instead. What? It’s who? Go ahead and make sense of that why don’t you.”

It's Maddow’s lucky day!

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James Comey, on _____’s fitness to be president:

“A person who sees moral equivalence in Charlottesville, who talks about and treats women like they’re pieces of meat, who lies constantly about matters big and small and insists the American people believe it — that person’s not fit to be president of the United States, on moral grounds.”

Think on that, ______ supporters, and if you can say with a straight, honest face, that if Barack Obama had said or done even one of those things you’d have no issue, you’re deceiving yourself.

I mean, y’all went mad over Barack’s tan suit.

Take a seat.

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Madonna, on her new beauty regimen … a ‘butt’ mask:

“It’s kind of a no-brainer. You can take any face mask and try it on your behind. Skin is skin. I think people would want the skin on their butt to be smooth, glowing, and hydrated. I mean, I know I do. There are certain special people that get to see our butt and you want it to look its finest.”

Okay so she uses a face mask on her ass; still, it begs the question, “Butterface?”

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Stephen Colbert, on the news that Sean Hannity had been revealed as Michael Cohen’s mystery third client:

“Cohen only has two other clients and all he does for them is pay off mistresses. Which raises the obvious question – who does Sean Hannity have sex with?”

Himself, no doubt.

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Patti LuPone, on movie actors doing theater:

“I don’t necessarily need to see film actors on stage, because they can’t. Not in my country they can’t. Can I just say, Uma Thurman in The Parisian Woman, anybody see it? Holy shit! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not sure there is a stigma anymore (about film actors doing theater), perhaps there should be. You want those people to come to the stage for the right reason and that is to honor the stage, honor the theatre and not be in for themselves, and I’m not saying that Uma was. It’s hard work, so I want you to understand that I have nothing against Uma Thurman.”

Oh Patti, I love you. You have zero f&ks to give! And, I imagine that when the time comes to nominate actors for Tony’s Patti will be all, “Not Uma!!!!!!”

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Corey Lewandowski, former ______ lapdog, on James Comey to Fox News:

“This is the same Jim Comey who was in charge of the Boston bombing at the time where we had a terrorist attack in Boston. This is man who failed time and time and time again, when he was the head of the FBI, to protect American citizens and now he wants to say that the president of the United States, a duly-elected president, is a mob boss? Look, Jim Comey has no credibility and he lost his credibility when lied under oath before Congress.”

Listen up: This Is A Lie. The Boston Marathon bombing took place on April 15th, 2013 when James Comey was a private citizen; he wasn’t appointed FBI director, by President Obama, until September 2013.

This is a _____ lapdog lying again for _____.

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John Fugelsang, on the news that Sean Hannity is Michael Cohen’s mystery client:

“Sean Hannity reminds you: Michael Cohen wasn’t his lawyer. But he still expects attorney-client privilege. And he has nothing to hide. But he ordered Michael Cohen not to reveal him. And he defended Michael Cohen all week. But now Michael Cohen’s a liar. And that’s why Hillary Clinton must be stopped.”

Seriously; these are the facts.

Ridiculous, right?

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Tuesday Thought #3

The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Kevin Siers, Jos Collington, Adam Zyglis, Jim Morin, Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, Ed Hall, Nick Anderson, Ed Wexler