The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Nate Beeler, Clay Bennett, Adam Zyglis, Bob Gorrell, John Cole, Nick Anderson

Random Musings

So, Speaker, er, Liar, of the House Paul Ryan shared this selfie to Instagram last week of him and a bunch of Capitol Hill interns.

Not a person of color in the bunch … take that for an indictment of the GOP if you will.

But some folks on social media gave Ryan a break, saying things like:

“Perhaps all the blacks are off camera on the far left?”

“This sums up the problem with the GOP. It’s like looking at 1950s America. I guess this is what making America Great Again looks like.”

“And people have said the GOP is the party of bigoted white guys. Now WHERE could anyone have gotten SUCH a strange idea?”

Huh.

Speaking of Old White Guys, and Old White Guys Who Wanna Be President and Lie Like It’s Nothing At All … on the opening night of the Republican National Clusterf**k Donald [t]Rump told Bill O’Reilly he was grateful it was held in Cleveland:

“I wanted it to be here, and we had lots of choices. I wanted it to be in Ohio. I recommended Ohio. And people fought very hard that it be in Ohio. It’s a tremendous economic development event, and you look at the way it’s going so far, it’s very impressive. I wanted it be here, the Republicans wanted it to be here.”

Um, but that’s a lie; there is no evidence that [t]Rump had anything to do with picking Cleveland, something the RNC did way back in January 2014.

No one, NO ONE, on the convention location selection committee recalls ever hearing from [t]Rump.

Just sayin’ … the man wouldn’t know the truth if it came notarized on a bankruptcy filing.

Carlos and I are enjoying Animal Kingdom on TNT—and it’s not a wildlife show, but a show about wild lives.

The show is based on a 2010 Australian film and is the story of a 17-year-old boy, who, after the death of his mother, moves in with the Codys, a criminal family clan governed by matriarch Smurf, played by the amazing Ellen Barkin.

Her sons and grandson are the Hotties this week … Finn Cody, top, plays the high school grandson, while Ben Robson, bottom left, is the adrenaline and heroin junkie Craig. Jake Weary, bottom right,  plays the closeted son, Deran. 

For TNT there is a lot of bare asses in the show, mostly that of Robson and Weary.

And they’re real, and they’re spectacular.

So … MelaniaGate … PlagiarismGate … when the story first broke that not-college-graduate Melania [t]Rump has, um, lifted, certain passages of her speech from that of one Michelle Obama, the campaign went into overdrive.

First, the speechwriters for Melania were to blame, though they swore they just used stories from her childhood … as a young black girl in Chicago … for the speech.

But then came footage of Melania telling Matt Lauer she wrote the speech herself.

Then [t]Rump campaign manager Paul Manafort blamed Hillary Clinton because the Clinton camp talked about the theft.

Then the blame was placed at the feet of an “unknown” friend of Melania’s who helped write the speech.

Finally,  Trump’s speechwriter, Meredith McIver, came forward and said she stole from Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech but she'll keep her job because ... liar.

The campaign doesn’t seem to think anyone will notice that they’ve come up with five different versions of how Melania [t]Rump came off sounding exactly like Michelle Obama … without the class, mind you, and the college education.

Lastly, more craziness from [t]Rump … it appears that Ohio Governor, and former rival, John Kasich, was offered the chance to be “most powerful VP in history” by the [t]Rump campaign.

Rumor has it Little Donny pitched the idea to Kasich for his Daddy and when Kasich asked what he might be doing as Veep, Little Donny told him he’d be in charge of foreign policy.

When Kasich asked what President [t]Rump would be in charge of, he was told:

“Making America great again.”

Yikes. Of course, Kasich turned it down and now the [t]Rump's are denying it ever happened.

Uh huh.

The Funny Papers

Pat Bagley, Tom Stiglich, David Horsey, Nate Beeler, Joe Heller, Bob Gorrell, Jack Ohman, Clay Bennett, Chan Lowe

Random Musings

Co-worker: “We had dinner with [a fellow coworker] the other night and I was schooled on how to say “tiramisu.”

[He pronounced it tier-ah-me-sue, emphasis on the ‘me’ … which I learned through Google is correct]

Me: “I say tiramisu.”

[I pronounced it tier-ah-me-sue, emphasis on the ‘sue’ … which I learned through Google is also correct]

Co-worker: “She says that’s the way you say it, but why does she have to school me like?”

Me: “I would’a said, ‘Um, quick question [fellow co-worker], is it pronounced Fuck you or Fook you?”

In all fairness I loathe Will Ferrell. I have never, and before you ask, I mean I gave never found him funny in anything anywhere anytime ever.

And then I’d heard that Ferrell was going to produce and star in ‘Reagan,’ which has been described as a “dementia comedy” about Reagan’s second term which goes something like this:

At the beginning of President Reagan’s second term he “falls into dementia” and is convinced that he’s actually an actor playing the president in a movie.

Yeah, because dementia is funny. Again, I loathe Will Ferrell and the good news is that when the idea of the film was revealed people went nuts because, again, dementia isn’t funny, and Ferrell has, for now, pulled the plug.

Cuz he’s not funny.

I did chuckle last week when former Weeper of the House, John Boehner, failed presidential contender Ted Cruz ‘Lucifer in the flesh’, but not everyone was pleased by that characterization; Satanists are pissed, saying there is no comparison between the incarnation of evil and a red guy with a tail.

So here’s what the Satanic Temple had to say:

“Cruz’s failures of reason, compassion, decency, and humanity are products of his Christian pandering, if not an actual Christian faith. It grows tedious when pedophile priests and loathsome politicians are conveniently dismissed as Satanic, even as they spew biblical verse and prostrate themselves before the cross, recruiting the Christian faithful. Satanists will have nothing to do with any of them.”

Now, to be fair, the Satanic Church is mostly a group of non-theistic activists who eschew all religions and adhere to a set of humanistic tenets that promote compassion and reason.

Still, when even the Devil is pissed that Ted Cruz is compared to him, you gotta pay attention.

Not because of his first name … but my choice to win this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race is … Bob the Drag Queen.

She’s fierce and funny and serves the LGBT community with tea and shade and love.

From the Too Stupid To Be Allowed Out In Public With Regular Folk File:

Stacy Pincus, an Illinois woman, has filed a $5 million lawsuit against Starbucks for putting too much ice in her ice coffee.

Now, her lawsuit is open. Meaning other loons who cannot say, “I’d like an ice coffee, ice on the side,” or “I’ll have an ice coffee, but not so much ice,” can join in the stupidity.

In addition to the millions of dollars, Stacy Pincus wants Starbucks to list their Iced Drinks by how many fluid ounces of liquid are in the drink and not by the size of the cup.

For me, I’d like to get on down to WalMart, find a cheap coffee machine and a bag of ice and send them to Stacy Pincus and tell her to stay the eff home.

In response, Starbucks says when customers order cold drinks they expect them to be … cold.

So, while at my Dad’s house we watched an episode of Masterpiece Theater, a series called Grantchester, about an English crime-solving priest. It was lighthearted and fun and hot, because the priest is played James Norton, right. Ooh.La.La.

There is also a show on our DVR called Game of Silence. We haven’t begun watching it but I did notice that it stars David Lyons, left, who has been on many shows before and he just oozes sex appeal … in my opinion.

Thanks Obama!

President Obama is poised to declare the first-ever national monument recognizing the struggle for LGBT rights by singling out a sliver of green space and part of the surrounding Greenwich Village neighborhood as the birthplace of America’s modern gay liberation movement.

This would be the first national monument that included a bar — Stonewall — and a neighborhood of narrow streets rather than a rural setting, a mountainous piece of land, a desert or some other natural landscape.

Barring a last-minute complication — city officials are still investigating the history of the land title — President Obama is prepared to designate the area as part of the National Park Service as soon as next month … the beginning of pride Celebrations around the country.

Again, thanks Obama.

Before he dropped out of the race that god told him to enter — begging the question: is there a God? — I watched a video where Ted Cruz tried to reason with a [t]Rump supporter … which is a near impossible feat.

I almost felt sorry for the Teabagging Senator as the guy went all [t]Rump and refused to listen and kept saying, “Lyin’ Ted! Lyin’ Ted.”

Then I remembered that this was Ted Cruz and I was all, “F**k him.”

Carlos plays trumpet in a local community band.

While in Oregon he bought a sticker with a treble clef on it.

This morning he comes into the office with the sticker and a Human Rights Campaign sticker, and …

Carlos: I think I’ll put both of these on my trumpet case!

Bob: Aren’t you worried the football team will beat you up in the cafeteria at lunch?

Carlos: What?

Bob: Nothing.

Lastly, John Kasich followed in Ted Cruz’s footsteps this week and also dropped out of the presidential race. He said he would sit and pray for advice about what God had in store for him now.

Um, Johnny? God never planned for you to be president. She has a lot of things on her plate, around the mother**king universe for Her sake, and has little time for the aspirations of a Republican.

Get a life.

Post-Vacation Post ... Back Live Tomorrow: I Didn't Say It ...

Lynne Cheney, wife of War criminal Dick and Mother to Lesbian Daughter Mary, endorsing Ted Cruz at the Wyoming Republican Convention:

“It’s a special pleasure to introduce Senator Cruz…He has made quite clear his deep belief in the Constitution and conservatism. He is part of a young generation of rising leaders, constitutional conservatives that are pointing our country back to the fundamental values on which we’re based.”

It’s not a surprise that, since she married a man who bombed hundreds of thousands of innocent people to death, she’d go for Cruz … who wants to carpet bomb the entire Middle East, but why would the mother of an openly gay child endorse a man who has the support of Death To Gays Pastor Kevin Swanson, and who has vowed to end marriage equality.

That’s no mother, that’s a mother f**ker.

[photo]

John Kasich, on what he would say, as president, to make young women feel safer about sexual harassment and rape:

“Don’t go to parties where there’s a lot of alcohol. OK? Don’t do that.”

So, basically, he’ll blame the victim because she went to a party?

That’s in case anyone forgot that John Kasich is a Typical Woman-Hating-Blaming Republican.

[photo]

Connie Britton, Nashville star, the anti-LGBT legislation in Tennessee:

“It’s disturbing and it’s unjust [and] un-American. I shoot a TV show in Tennessee, and honestly, if they proceed with this, I’m not necessarily going to feel comfortable working there. [It’s] s tricky situation because of course we employ a lot of people in the state, and you certainly don’t want to have to interrupt that, but at the same time, this is the only way that we can have our voices be heard.”

Look, Hollywood can substitute for Nashville until Hate Bills are removed from the books.

[photo]

Sela Ward, actress, on Mississippi's "religious freedom" Hate Bill:

“In recent days I have been asked about the religious objection law that was recently passed in Mississippi, my beloved home state. … Our history is replete with unfortunate incidents of discrimination and injustice that we have worked extremely hard to transcend. Yes, we are confronting new social and emotional challenges, but the passing of this law sadly sets us back.”

And who wants to go backwards, except for Mississippi, South Carolina, Tennessee and North Carolina … for now.

[photo]

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook mogul, on his plan for global interest in political issues:

“As I look around the world, I’m starting to see people and nations turning inward, against the idea of a connected world and a global community. I hear fearful voices calling for building walls and distancing people they label as ‘others.’ I hear them calling for blocking free expression, for slowing immigration, for reducing trade, and in some cases even for cutting access to the internet. It takes courage to choose hope over fear.”

Sadly, more people seem to be embracing fear and walls these days.

So.Vote.Blue.

[photo]

The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Jim Morin, Steve Sack, Nick Anderson, Mike Smith, Clay Jones, Nate Beeler, Darrin Bell