Bobservations

The other night, while watching the Golden Globes, I noticed Michelle Pfeiffer was up for an award. I told Carlos a story of back when Pfeiffer was playing Catwoman in one of the Batman films, and had a scene where she used her whip to snatch the heads off four mannequins; and she did it all in one take.

Carlos said:

“She was probably channeling Joan Crawford.”

I said, quizzically:

“What does that mean?”

“From when she played in Mommie Dearest.”

“That wasn’t Pfeiffer! That was Faye Dunaway!”

“Well, they’re almost the same.”

He’s been sleeping in the shed for several days until he bones up on his Pop Culture references, and understands that, as a gay man, you can NEVER forget Dunaway was Joan.

Or else face a wire hanger.

Everybody knows you cannot be a Christian and a Republican at the same time; even a cat.

Just in time for rightwingnut heads to explode, Hasbro has announced that Mr. Potato Head is getting a rebrand in order to allow same-sex or single parent families to play the game.

No more Mr. Potato Head. It’s just Potato Head, so kids will have a blank slate to create same-sex families or single-parent families.

I love it, and I love the idea of GQPers going insane at the thought.

The other day driving home from an errand we were listening to classical music in the car, and Carlos said:

“I don’t know why, but I have never liked the flute.”

And because I have a whacked out sense of humor, I asked:

“Is it because it reminds you of the Tin Man’s dick?”

I kill me.

Apparently John Boehner has been recording an audio version of his memoir, , “On the House: A Washington Memoir” and drinking a little wine while doing so, causing him to ad lib a bit … like the chapter where he goes off-script and says:

“Oh, and Ted Cruz, go f**k yourself.”

I think he speaks for us all, with or without the wine.

And speaking of Rafael Cruz, he is apparently being mocked in the Senate gym locker room over his ill-timed, uninformed, elitist trip to Cancun while his Constituents froze, went thirsty, and actually died.

Somebody—and I ain’t saying it was AOC but she’d have every right—taped memes on the Senate gym lockers welcoming Cruz home and showing him in the short-sleeve polo shirt, jeans and Texas-flag mask that he had at the airport with the caption:

“Bienvenido de Nuevo, Ted!”

Poor Rafael. Now he’ll have to change in the hallway.

I love tattoos; in fact, I have several myself. But I’ve always been extremely cautious about what I got inked and where I got inked on my body. Not so smart, was one Leah Holland from Kentucky who responded to a viral TikTok video asking, 

“What is the dumbest tattoo that you’ve ever gotten?”

And Leah showed off her tattoo that she got March 4, 2020, that read:

“courageously & radically refuse to wear a mask.”

Now, before y’all read her the riot act, let her explain:

“I’d wanted it for a couple of years, it basically means like, be true to yourself and real, and not pretending to be something you’re not.”

Sadly, it was just a few weeks later that things changed and wearing a mask because a necessity; and, for Leah, so did wearing long sleeves.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott Tweeted out this nonsense:

“I just announced Texas is OPEN 100%. EVERYTHING. I also ended the statewide mask mandate.”

And I Tweeted back:

“I guess letting the power go out and have the people freeze didn’t kill enough people for you?”

Seriously, Texas, do better.

Simone Susinna; the name rolls off the tongue. Simone Susinna. He is a former footballer, turned model, turned reality TV start turned … well, turned me on. Those eyes …I could stay there all day.

Except then there are the underwear shots and the day at the beach shots and the tease me shots.

Oh Simone.

I feel her pain.

One of my masks has a strap that goes around your neck so when you don’t need to wear it, you can pull it down and it hangs around your neck. The other day, Carlos and I were running errands and, because I thought we were finished, I removed my mask and left it in the cupholder in the car. Then Carlos had to make a stop at Office Max and it was pouring down rain, so we got out of the car and raced inside. And I wasn’t wearing a mask. I literally went to the front of the store and stood in a corner while Carlos made his purchase, and thought to myself:

People will look at me and think I’m a Republican.

Oh, the horror!

I Didn't Say It ...

Michelle Obama, former fabulous First Lady, comparing the former president to the current one:

"I always sort of felt like the eight years that Barack was president, it was sort of like having the good parent at home. You know, the responsible parent, the one who told you to eat your carrots and go to bed on time. And now perhaps we have the other parent in the house," she said. People thought it would be "fun" to have Trump in charge, she said, "because we can eat candy all day and stay up late and not follow the rules." 

Sadly, it’s more dangerous than that.

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David Berry, actor who plays Lord John, a gay man on Outlander, on acting attracted to Sam Heughan’s Jamie:

“I don’t think you need much direction to look at Sam longingly. [Laughs] He’s a beautiful man. I can say that as a straight man… I imagine John with a sense of desire, but also in a sense of longing for love, and I think that’s what really connects people. When you see it it’s a longing for love and that’s someone you can universally empathize with, and that’s what I like about the character, so that doesn’t really take a lot of direction it just takes a lot of trying to get inside the thoughts and things of a character like John. I think we can all relate to that.”

True; it’s love that we all want, and everyone should be able to relate to that.

And I’d have no trouble at all looking longingly at David Berry.

Just sayin’.

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Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, the drag queen whose exit from RuPaul’s Drag Race turned into a meme, on why she kept saying her name as she backed off the runway:

“Hell no, there was no f**king meaning. When I tell you I was at the end of the runway and I was thinking … well first of all, I didn’t anticipate getting kicked off first, so I didn’t plan my exit, I didn’t plan what to say, I didn’t plan what to write on the mirror with the lipstick message. I didn’t plan any of that. So literally when I got there, I turned around and saw RuPaul and saw Christina [Aguilera] and saw everyone was looking just at the judges, I decided to give them my name, and I said “F**k it. Might as well have these bitches remember me.” So I just started screaming at the top of my lungs “Miss Vanjie,” over and over. And I was depressed as hell, so that’s why I was looking so damn sad!”

I imagine it’s sad to be the first one sent home, but the funny part is that now the remaining queens stand in the workroom and repeat over and over, “Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie.”

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John Boehner, on joining the board of marijuana growing firm: 

“I’m joining the board of #AcreageHoldings because my thinking on cannabis has evolved,. I’m convinced de-scheduling the drug is needed so we can do research, help our veterans, and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities.”

And they’re paying me buttloads of cash. I mean, he’s a Republican and his evolution is clearly cash based.

I’m a cynic; deal.

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Seth Meyers, on the detail that wasn’t revealed in that 60 Minutes interview with Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti … i.e. the fact that Stormy could describe _____’s dick in detail:

“Great detail? I think you mean horrific detail. I don’t want to think about Donald _____’s penis because if I do, something tells me I’ll never be able to eat hot fries ever again.” Also, she can describe it in great detail? You know what that means? They did it with the lights on.”

The best description is that of a wee Cheeto lying on a Brillo pad.

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Ronan Farrow, journalist, coming out as bisexual at an event for the Point Foundation, where he was honored with the Courage Award:

“Being a part of the LGBT community—which recognized that reporting I was doing early on and elevated it, and has been such a stalwart source of support through the sexual assault reporting I did involving survivors who felt equally invisible—that has been an incredible source of strength for me. LGBT people are some of the bravest and most potent change agents and leaders I have encountered, and the most forceful defenders of the vulnerable and voiceless, because they know what it’s like to be there.”

Welcome out, Ronan, and, of course, please accept as our gift the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

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Dino Sajudin, former _____ World Tower doorman, on another sex scandal plaguing the Fat Bastard:

“Today I awoke to learn that a confidential agreement I had with AMI [The National Enquirer] with regard to a story about President _____ had been leaked to the press. I can confirm that while working at _____ World Tower, I was instructed not to criticize President _____’s former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President _____ which produced a child.”

Knocking up the housekeeper? Who is he? Schwarzenegger?

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I Didn't Say It ...

Jerrold Nadler, Democratic Senator from New York, saying _____’s firing of Comey could be “it”:

“If the president fired Comey because he asked for loyalty and hadn’t gotten it, because he had asked him to ease off on the investigation of [Michael] Flynn—because in effect he was asking him to ease off the investigation of possible collusion by the Trump campaign with the Russians in subverting the election—that would be obstruction of justice which is an impeachable offense.”

And rumor has it that Comey has the goods, so ... fingers crossed!

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Leon Panetta, former CIA Director and Defense Secretary, on _____: 

"Presidents are human beings, and they react emotionally to issues that bother them [but] you are the President of the United States. And your first responsibility is to be President. It’s not to react emotionally to issues that pop up every day. I don’t see anybody who’s got political experience, who has experience running a White House. I sense that there’s a lot of competing centers of power within the White House and it’s creating a chaotic background to try to support the President of the United States. And if that continues, I think this presidency is going to be chaotic into the future.”

Too many chiefs and not enough Indians, and a whole lotta asshats with ties to Russia.

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Kellyanne Conway, trying to shift focus away from Jared:

“This entire thing is just a rush to judgment. We have been talking about this for about 8 months and yet…it’s a lot easier to scream Russia, Russia, Russia every day.”

Um, Kellyanne, you ignorant slut, it’s because every f**king day we learn more and more people on your team have ties to Russia.

I’m begging to think your real name is Svetlana Conway.

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John Boehner, former House Speaker on _____:

"I was a little more optimistic about it early in the year; now my odds are 60/40. The border adjustment tax is deader than a doornail. Tax reform is just a bunch of happy talk.  Everything else he’s done has been a complete disaster. He’s still learning how to be president.”

And do we really want someone who’s learning how to do the job and then, every single day, proving he’s incapable of doing it?

That was a rhetorical question.

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Devin Nunes, blaming Russia investigation on Democrat sour grapes over Hillary Clinton’s loss: 

“The Democrats don’t want an investigation on Russia. They want an independent commission. Why do they want an independent commission? Because they want to continue the narrative that Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are best friends, and that’s the reason that he won, because Hillary Clinton would have never lost on her own; it had to be someone else’s fault.”

Um, the Democrats want an independent commission because the GOP cannot be trusted to do anything other than support their party while the country burns,

The Democrats want an independent commission because people like Devin Nunes scurry like rats to the White House to warn _____ of the impending investigation.

Devin, you dickwad? Serve your country, not your party.

Or go home.

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Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary and Punching Bag, trying to salvage _____’s Tweet about “covfefe”:

“The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant.”

Um, yeah, it means the president cannot spell, cannot form a coherent sentence and spends too much time on Twitter.

Seriously, he’s an illiterate teenager.

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Tim Walberg, Republican Congressman from Michigan, on who can solve the problem of climate change:

“I believe there’s climate change. I believe there’s been climate change since the beginning of time. I believe there are cycles. Do I think man has some impact? Yeah, of course. Can man change the entire universe? No. Why do I believe that? Well, as a Christian, I believe that there is a creator in God who is much bigger than us. And I’m confident that, if there’s a real problem, he can take care of it.”

Seriously? Um, dick? If God can solve all the problems why hasn’t She fixed the water crisis in your state?

Or is She too busy helping singers win Grammys and actors win Oscars and athletes win world titles?

Siddown.

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The Funny Papers

Bill Day, Randy Bish, David Horsey, Clay Bennett, Darrin Bell, Marshall Gamsey, Lee Judge, Paul Combs, Jim Morin

The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Walt Handelsman, Rob Rogers, Bill Day, Clay Jones, Randy Bish, Tom Stiglich, Clay Bennett

Uh ... Buh-Bye!

But before you go, Mister Weeper, I heard you say during your quitting speech that you were proud of what you'd accomplished as Speaker.

Could you tell me what you accomplished? One thing? Anything? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller?

And please do not say 'Government shutdown.'

Oh, and, on your way out,  don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

Sunday Funnies