It's Snarkurday!

Christine Ouzounian, the former nanny who worked Jen Garner while she … ALLEGEDLY … schtupped Jen’s husband, Ben Affleck and was fired, loves all the media attention she’s getting.

She gets photographed a lot — usually after she calls the paparazzi with her whereabouts — putting gas in her new Lexus and has actually called the police to help her get away from the horde of shutterbugs she summed to watch her walk to her car; and let’s not even talk about the two, oh wait, now it’s three, bikini photo shoots she’s done since being outed as The Other Woman.

So, in case y’all forget, it’s Ouzounian who is keeping the “Affleck slept with the nanny” story alive and her name in the tabloids though maybe she’s had some help from Ben who might have bought her that new car and might be for her stay at the Bel Air Hotel.

Except the hotel, via a source — and it ain’t Lohan because she can’t afford four-star accommodations — says Ben “did not cover the Bel-Air bill. You would not find his card there, plain and simple.”

Wait. So his card wasn’t there? Well, howsabout his cash? Howsabout, ALLEGEDLY, billing the nanny’s stay to his manager and then paying the manager off?

Uh huh.

Madonna has always been known as a type-A perfectionist … or a bitch. You decide. And now comes word that she’s bringing her C U Next Tuesday-ness to her Rebel Heart Tour and her crew has just about had it.

According to an insider:

“Madonna is a real piece of work. On Monday night, the dancers declared mutiny on Madonna because she is working them way too hard. One dancer even went so far as to take off his credentials, throw it in her face and say, ‘F*ck you. I quit!’ She had to call security to protect her and escort her remaining dancers out! On another occasion, one of her dancers broke her arm during rehearsals and instead of showing concern, Madonna had a nuclear meltdown.”

But it gets uglier:

“Everyone is required to wear black head-to-toe at all times and she has said, in her own words, that there are ‘no fat c*nts allowed in her presence.’”

So is she a perfectionist, or is she a bitch who’s so concerned about the flopitude of the album Rebel Heart that she’s gone nuts with rehearsals for her upcoming tour?

I think you know.

In July 2014, Sherri Shepherd’s lawyers filed paperwork in her then-ongoing divorce battle with her husband, Lamar Sally stating that she did not want any part of the child she and Lamar were expecting via a surrogate because she’s a Christian! Or something.

Sherri claimed that Lamar was using the baby in an attempt to defraud her into paying his way for life, through child support and she wasn’t having it … except now a judge has ruled that Sherri is the baby mama, and since she doesn’t want the baby, she’ll be paying child support to Lamar, unless she can prove fraud. But that’s impossible when you go back in time to read all the interviews she gave where she talked endlessly about wanting this baby.

It’s very clear that, now, she doesn’t want the child because she might have to actually pay for it and she’s more about the coins than the children.

But remember, she’s a Good Christian … like Josh Duggar is a Good Christian.

Sharon Stone has had a varied career: Basic Instinct, an Oscar nomination for Casino … and then there was Catwoman, Basic Instinct 2, Diabolique, Sliver, Intersection, Gloria, and Allan Quatermain. But still, given all those bombs, Stone is now saying the worst thing that ever happened to her was a role on Law & Order: SVU.

Quelle horrors. Whilst posing nude for “Harper’s Bazaar” Stone discussed her humiliation at being on Law & Order and says her career had hit rock bottom when she got that script, but she had to do it to make that money.

“That was humiliating. Having worked with the finest people in the industry, I was like, ‘Wow, I’m really at the back of the line here. I’m wearing L’eggs panty hose, and in makeup they start out by putting this white primer on my face.’ I’m like, ‘This is so bad. What did I do to deserve this?’ “

But, ever the trooper, Stone endured the show:

“I thought, ‘You know what? I got thrown off the bullet train, and now I’m going to have to crawl up a hill of broken glass, get back on the train that’s going a million miles an hour, and work my way from the cattle car up. That’s just the way it is, so I’d better get humble and shut the fuck up and do the job. Because if I can’t do this job, I’m certainly not going to be able to do anything else.’ “

And she did it! She suffered through the humiliation of being on a hit TV show when the movies stopped calling; she suffered through the indignation of L’Eggs pantyhose and is now back to posing nude in a magazine. She’s fought back, tooth and nail to find herself once again staring in a lead role in a multi-million-dollar Oscar-worthy film role as … wait, what?

Oh, this Fall Sharon Stone will be starring in a new show for TNT and as a spokesperson for Restylane.

Yeah, she’s back, baby!

From the It Pays To Be A Celebrity File:

I posted this story already, but here’s a recap and an update: Earlier this year at Sundance, actor Emile Hirsch was accused of assaulting Dani Bernfeld, a Paramount VP. He was ALLEGEDLY very drunk and very pissy when he began “aggressively picking on” Bernfeld, He began by shouting at her for being a “rich kid” and “so tough” and then put her in a headlock until she passed out, at which point he body slammed her to the ground.

Dani recovered; Emile was charged with felony assault; Emile checked himself into alcohol rehab. And then came the trial, and his punishment for attacking a woman and choking her into unconsciousness,

Hirsch was sentenced to 15 days in jail and must pay a $4,750 fine and do 50 hours of community service.

Naturally, Dani Bernfeld isn’t happy:

“This act of violence has greater implications than the physical injuries I sustained. The long-lasting effects of this assault will remain with me. Mr. Hirsch’s plea, however, provides that in 90 days his case will be dismissed without record. There is no assurance that he will serve any of the 15 days of jail time associated with his plea. Quite simply, this punishment does not fit the crime. While I appreciate that the court is trying to send a message to Mr. Hirsch, the message to him and those who may follow needs to be louder and stronger.”

But, hey, he’s an actor, right?

Speaking of spoiled self-indulgent entitled celebrities: Jason Derulo.

Who? Yeah. The 25-year-old singer and his posse were kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight Saturday, after he and his bodyguard got into a verbal spat with an airline employee before boarding the jet.

It all began when Derulo’s team requested an escort, and preferred boarding, and were denied and they believed they were being treated unfairly because, you know, Jason Derulo.

Who? I said. When Derulo’s team voiced their concerns rather rudely and loudly they were told they could not fly but then proceeded to the plane anyway. At that point the Southwest agent called the authorities and removed them. Derulo and company opted to fly private, and  then he offered up his side of the story.

According to Jason’s rep, TSA precheck was down and Derulo and company were in too much of a hurry to do what every single other passenger boarding the plane was doing because, Jason Derulo.

Who? Wait. So, when told they had to wait, “someone” in the group said “bullshit” and the group was bounced.

Um, lemme see …. You say “bullshit” in an airport and you can’t board a plane? Uh huh.  I’d be on a no-fly list permanently.

So, Alec Baldwin hasn’t beat up a paparazzi lately, or had a meltdown on the street so maybe he’s settled down? Or, and this is probably more apt, maybe he’s too busy working to pay for the five nannies his wife Hilaria hired to take care of their two children.

Now, to be fair, maybe the Baldwin’s are both too busy with work that they need these five extra people to care for their children, and, well, they can no doubt afford, but when Hilaria Instagrammed a thank you to the Five Nannies — Lizzy, Sandra, Zena, Lisa and Avril — it created a social media storm requiring an explanation.

Hilaria posted her answer to Instagram and want y’all to know that not all five women are nannies … some are “babysitters.”

Oh ….

While divorcing his third wife, Terence Howard is also still in the middle of divorcing his second wife, Michelle Ghent and it is still all kinds of ugly.

At a hearing last week new testimony ran the gamut from suicide threats to drug use to blackmail to the, wait, what, Holocaust when Howard compared of giving in to ALLEGED blackmail threats from Ghent to  “the Jews giving in to the Germans [and going] to Auschwitz.”

Yup, the holocaust. And then to make matters worse, Howard continually interrupted the judge, often shrieking at him that the hearing was an “ambush” until the judge, and it should’a been Judy, told him to “learn some restraint.”

Howard talked about he and Ghent’s drug use — weed, coke and ecstasy — as the “only times [we were happy]” and talked of the threesome he and his wife had, and the time his wife had to Mace him and his family during a vacation.

Lovely, no? And then Ghent brought out the recordings and texts Howard sent her:

“I’m sitting here at lunch hoping you’ll call … every minute of every day I feel like putting an end to this miserable existence … every lie I’ve told to you are equal in my mind to putting bullets into a clip and firing them at my future. … I am devastated by my stupidity.”

 “I couldn’t do anything but sit there [looking] at a f—ing razor blade … I just wanted to die … I’ll look for you in my next lifetime.”

“So if you are planning on living without me, you should have someone put me out of my misery.”

And when that didn’t work, he went all Boiling The Bunny on Ghent:

“I will never allow another man to be with you. Whoever tried to take my life will lose his existence.”

“I will never allow a restraining order or anything to keep me from my wife.”

And then he claimed to be in fear of his wife:

“I loved her and was also afraid of her. Love is a very complicated thing. … I was in love with the person who [was holding me] captive.”

Wait. Isn’t that from an Empire episode?

Howard also admitted to Ghent that he would leave his now third ex-wife Mira Pak if Ghent would only come back to him — Howard and Pak married after dating for four weeks, had a kid and are now divorcing.

Yup, only in Hollywood can you still be fighting with your second ex-wife in divorce court while being sued for divorce from your third ex-wife.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So ... Rosie's gone from The View, but she left a bit of carnage in her wake, and one of the bodies floating in the water is Whoopi Goldberg.

See, Rosie O’Donnell’s departure from the show has derailed negotiations for Whoopi to star in a new ABC prime-time series, Delores and Jermaine. Sources say Whoopi was set to leave the daytime show to star in the new show, but with Rosie's sudden departure, View producers put the kibosh on that.

Goldberg has downplayed any drama, saying:

“I’ve always been able to come and go as I choose. It’s been in the contract to allow me to go and make movies if I wanted to or do something if I wanted to. ... but I also have bosses. They make decisions … sometimes you don’t like them and you have to live with them.”

Sounds like she's nursing the wounds inflicted by Tropical Depression Rosie.

Emile Hirsch is working on himself, or so his people say, after he ALLEGEDLY entered rehab on the heels of the news that he’s being charged with assault for ALLEGEDLY attacking a woman at Tao nightclub during the Sundance Film Festival last month.

His attorney, and for once the bad boy [or girl] celebrity isn't being represented by Shawn Holley, Robert Offer says:

“The facts that I can relay are that he consumed an enormous amount of alcohol on the evening in question and he doesn’t have any memory of what happened at the time of the allegations. However, Emile takes these allegations very seriously, and is devastated that any of this has occurred. A few days after the incident, Emile sought help and checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he remains today, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. Emile is continuing to cooperate fully with authorities.”

According to the complaint, Hollywood exec Daniele Bernfeld says she was choked by Hirsch who called her a “rich kid” at the onset of the confrontation. He then pulled her across the table and onto the floor, where he landed on top of her. While Hirsch was on top of Bernfeld he wrapped his hands around her neck, choking her.

Hirsch, while acknowledging that he attacked Bernfeld after having "three to four alcoholic beverages" at the club.

Wow. it takes just three drinks to turn Emile Hirsch into a batterer? Child get help, get help now. Maybe he should get Shawn Holley; she has a way of getting people off these kinds of charges.

Reese Witherspoon would like people to think she's America’s Sweetheart, and she's really playing up that part in her hunt for an Oscar tomorrow night ... though Julianna Moore will win and send Reese to the nearest bar empty-handed ... but I digress ...

But, according to sources at CAA, where her husband Jim Toth is a high-powered agent, whenever Witherspoon comes to their offices, it's every man, or woman, for himself.

“Reese is anything but sweet,” says a CAA source — and it's not Lohan because CAA wouldn't touch her. The source goes on to say that staffers are terrified of rubbing her the wrong way, so they bend over backwards to please her.

They must always have her favorite brands of tea, bottled water and juice on hand, but they must never expect a Thank You from Witherspoon; she refuses to remove her sunglasses so no one can make eye contact with her.

Don't they know who she is?

So, a week ago we heard that Nicole Scherzinger and her boyfriend, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton, split up after seven years together. But Nicole isn’t one to sit home and nurse a broken heart, apparently, because she’s suddenly taken to “hanging out” with the also-newly-single, former Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon.

And this might be a plus for Team Nick because rumor has it that Mimi hates … hates … Nicole because the former Pussycat Dolls singer had a brief fling with Nick before he wed Mariah in 2008.

Nick and Nicole — their mash-up name is …. Nicole — have to be apart for now because she is currently in Cats — that show is still running? — in London and he’s here, though they have been Skype-flirting.

Next up: Mimi goes JLo and gets herself a twenty-something back-up dancer to toy with.

Justin Bieber has finally run into someone he can’t push around: a judge in Miami who is demanding the man-boy appear in person  to participate in a mediation hearing for a lawsuit filed by photographer Jeffrey Binion who says Bieber ordered his minions to assault Binion.

But The Biebs claims he is just too busy working on a new album to show up for the hearing and tossed in the argument that he would have to spend $64,000 to fly him and his entourage into town on his private jet and it just wasn’t worth it.

Binion’s lawyers aren’t playing, and have suggested to the judge to tell the diminutive “rapper” to take a commercial flight that would cost far less … or maybe, try traveling like an adult and leave your handlers at home; lotsa children fly solo these days.

The judge agreed with Binion’s team and is demanding that Bieber show his face in Miami before the March 20 hearing.

Kris Jenner wants to change her name now that she’s no longer Bruce’s wife, but, well, here it is:

She wants to go by Kris; just Kris. Like Cher … or Madonna … or Jesus.

I’m suggesting she legally change her name to That Woman — always italicized —because that sounds good: “Tonight on Kimmel! That Woman!

And add in the exclamation point since she made a name for herself as a pimping mother on E!

That Woman!

Lindsay Lohan — who said a few months ago that she would stay in London because LA is not her home any more — has moved home to LA and taken up residence, again, at the Chateau Marmont.

She’ll be in LA for awhile — because that’s where her court case are usually handled — to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. If you remember, the prosecutor Terry White has been going over the hours that Lohan ALLEGEDLY completed through the London-based group, Community Service Volunteers, and is curious as to how and why meet-and-greets with fans after her Speed-the-Plow shows counts as “community” service. He also wants to know how letting,. Ahem, “disadvantaged youth” follow Lohan around as assistants covers her ass in community service fulfillment, too. 

And then there’s this: Lohan has ALLEGEDLY gotten Esurance, the company she did a Super Bowl commercial for, to donate $10,000 to Community Service Volunteers by convincing the company heads by saying that she likes what the organization has done to help poor children.

The prosecutor is now wondering if the $10,000 donation to CSV is more of a bribe to keep the story going that Lohan actually did any community service at all while in London.

Well, that certainly sounds Lohan, eh?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Y’all remember when LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian started schtupping while co-starring in a LameTime, er, Lifetime movie? They kept it quiet for awhile, until they showed up at a cheesy restaurant in Venice Beach where the paparazzi snapped them holding hands over a plate of chili fries and then all hell broke loose; and by “all hell,” I mean Eddie’s wife-at-the-time, Brandi Glanville.

But one person you didn’t hear from was LeAnn’s husband-at-the-time, Dean Sheremet. He kept himself on the Down Low — and not just because some folks assumed he was gay — and quietly accepted his settlement, er, Go Away check. He moved on to La Grande Apple, enrolled in culinary school and became a chef with a brand new second wife to call his own. But now, he’s ALLEGEDLY ready to talk about Life With LeAnn and has written a book about his marriage to the country crooning cheater.

A source — and, yeah, it’s probably Brandi — says Dean “has received multiple big-money offers from publishers and is deciding who to go with.” And based on their history — remember, she banged Serial Banger Cibrian about ten minutes after meeting him — this won’t paint LeAnn in a good light. Sources say she treated Dean like garbage, never showed any remorse for schtupping her married co-star, and though she gave him some spare change when they divorced, there was never any kind of signed Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Cue Julia Roberts in Pretty Women: “Big mistake. Huge!”

When we last left Lohan it appeared she’d made good on her probation by completing her community service from her arrest for … well, I forget; it was either drugs or drink or jewel theft or kidnapping. But now, Terry White, the prosecutor in her case, is calling bullshiz on the “service” and wants her to do it again or go directly to jail.

White says that London’s community service organization let Lohan do ridiculous things — like getting credit for 18 hours worth of service for meeting and greeting fans after her London play and not stealing their jewelry or running them over with her car — to fulfill her obligation. He also says she was credited with 70 hours for allowing young people to follow her around and carry her bags and her special bottles of “water.” 

He says Lohan had an obligation to inform the court of the types of community service she was doing and says she’s manipulated the system and should do jail time for not completing legitimate community service.

Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, told the judge her client merely did what she was told to do by the community service organization, which may have sounded something like this:

Community Service Organization to Criminal Lohan: “Say Hello at the theater door, and let some kids follow you around and you’re done, m’kay?”

I want that kinda community service when I’m found guilty of reckless driving, kidnapping and jewel theft. I mean, c’mon, even Chris Brown had to scrub toilets ...

So … Sean Penn is a pig, but soon he may be Charlize Theron’s pig.

Y’all know that Penn was married to Madonna for a hot minute, and then was married to Robin Wright for about fifteen years? Well, those don’t count in Penn’s mind, apparently, because he says he believes that, if he marries Theron, it would be his first marriage:

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

I’m guessing both Madonna and Robin would like to forget they were ever married to Penn, too. But then Penn goes on to say that he’s “very friendly with my first ex-wife [and] on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

So, he’s cool with Madonna, and is on ‘good terms’ with his children from his second wife?

What a lovely man, but, like I said, he Theron’s pig now.

Emile Hirsch doesn’t get much play in the Gossip World, so maybe that’s why he’s suddenly turned up the Douchenozzle.

At the Sundance Film Festival last winter, Hirsch ALLEGEDLY got physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club, which ended up with the police being called, and here’s what happened:

At 3:30AM one Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub, Emile, in town to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” Paramount exec Dani Bernfeld. A source — and if Lohan wasn’t drunk in London., I’d swear this has her fingerprints all over it — says Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock. 

Eventually the police were called and Emile ALLEGEDLY calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested, though Park City police are currently investigating the incident and deciding if charges should be filed.

Hmm, drunk and choking a woman in a bar and you need to ‘think’ about it? Sounds like Emile is channeling his Inner Lohan.

Let’s talk Sherri Shepherd again.

Remember when she was on The View and every time she voiced her opinion it was cloaked in Bible verses or something the Baby Jeebus told her over biscuits or something?

Well, Sherri is no longer playing the part of Good Christian Woman. You remember that she and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, and she accused him of being a gold digger who tricked her into a surrogacy situation so he’d had a lifetime of settlement checks coming his way, right? And then Sherri not only walked away from Sally but she also turned her back on her unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid; ever!

It got uglier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support, but now the ugly is real bad because Jessica Bartholomew, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby, is being hit up for child support.

Bartholomew went on Inside Edition to talk about how disgusted she is that Sherri skipped out on her baby. Jessica says that at the beginning of her pregnancy, Sherri called her regularly and seemed excited about the kid, but when the news broke that Sheri and Lamar were done, Jessica never heard from her again. And when the child was born — Little Lamar Jr. — Jessica had to put her name on the birth certificate as the mother since Sherri backed out.

Lamar now has full custody of the child and filed for Medi-Cal because he can’t afford health insurance on his own; and when he filed for Medi-Cal, the state of California went after Jessica for child support.

Sherri Shepherd is somewhere sipping the Kool-Aid and talking about the Baby Jeebus and what a good Christian woman she is … until the man downstairs comes a’calling.

But Jessica need not worry; I bet Lifetime or TLC or WE … or maybe even Bravo — you know they’re doing "scripted” shows now — would love to tell The Sherri Shepherd Story and would deposit a butt-load of cash in Jessica’s bank account.

Everyone wins except that Little Boy.

If you’re a has-been actress, more well-known for jail time and courtroom appearances than film roles and awards show appearances, what do you do if you need some cash? And if your mother is a woman who hasn’t worked since she whored you out as an actress when you were two, what does she do when she needs some dough?

Well, if you’re a Lohan — Dina and Lindsay — you sue Fox News because one of Sean Hannity’s guests said on air that you do drugs together. Yup, those crack-y Lohan’s are suing Fox News Channel and Sean Hannity claiming they were publicly shamed when someone on Hannity’s show claimed the mother and daughter train-wrecks snorted coke together. Their lawsuit ALLEGES that there was a discussion on the show about celebrity drug use, and recently deceased celebs — like Philip Seymour Hoffman — and the panel discussed who might be next.

Michelle Fields said, “Lindsay Lohan’s mom is doing cocaine with her” — insinuating Lindsay would be the next to go.

Lindsay says that’s insane, though she’s admitted to her own cocaine problems; and she also claimed Dina was on a cocaine binge during an hysterical call she made to her dad in 2012. Mother and daughter say Fields’ claims are “a direct smear on the character/reputation of Lindsay and Dina.”

Now that’s funny. But how are the Lohan’s going to prove their claim? Oh, yeah, because everyone knows that when Lindsay does coke she doesn’t share.

Not Guilty!

Last week, Lance Armstrong said, given the chance, he’d still dope before getting on his bike for a race. But I think he misspoke, I think he meant to say he’s still a giant dope, i.e. loser asshat.

See, it appears that Lance cheated his way out of hit-and-run charges over the Christmas holidays. He was in Aspen with his girlfriend — and baby mama to two of the five Armstrong offspring — Anna Hansen.

After partying hard one night, Lance ALLEGEDLY hit two parked cars, but rather than taking it like a man, he let Anna take the fall, and it went like this:

At first, after the collisions, plural, Anna Hansen told police that she had been driving home from a party when she lost control of Armstrong’s SUV.

Then she said, well, after a valet came forward and said he handed the keys to the car to Armstrong, who drove off that night, that Armstrong was driving, but they decided to let her take the blame.

They. Lance Armstrong. American Hero Zero. 

Sadly, he can’t be charged with being a drunk driver because he wasn’t tested at the scene since he and his girlfriend lied, but he will be charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Still doping, eh, Lance.

We often hear about Paris Hilton — though not so much these days because she’s irrelevant — and we sometimes hear about Nicky Hilton — though only in conjunction with Paris — but we rarely hear about baby brother Conrad.

Until now … Conrad, just 20-years-old already has a criminal record; he was charged with DUI in 2012, for alcohol and pot, and was put on probation, which he effed up by getting high again.

Now he’s back at it. Conrad was arrested in LA for ALLEGEDLY going insane on an international flight last summer and attacking the flight attendants. According to officials, multiple witnesses on the plane say Hilton went berserk on that flight and began screaming and threatening flight attendants:

“If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will f–king fight you.”

“I am going to f–king kill you.”

“I will f–king rip through you.”

“I will f–king own anyone on this flight; they are f–king peasants.”

“I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before.”

Witnesses say Conrad then began punching the bulkhead of the plane, inches from a flight attendant’s face before, oddly enough, deciding to take a nap. That when the captain authorized crew members to handcuff him to his seat for the remainder of the flight.

Hilton has admitted to taking a sleeping pill before the flight. His lawyer, Robert Shapiro — yes, that Robert Shapiro — confirms Conrad took a sleeping pill and wasn’t himself, adding that there are numerous news reports of people experiencing adverse effects, including aggressive outbursts after taking those pills.

Or maybe it’s just self-entitled spoiled drunk and drugging rich kids who experience the side effects.