I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It’s been a quiet couple of weeks for Lindsay Lohan as she prepares for her latest role, Rehab Lockdown! The Lindsay Lohan Story!

And she’s been doing all she can to prepare herself for the 90-day stay: she went to Brazil and was photographed sitting on the dirt floor beneath a table in a bar, and then saying she couldn’t start Rehab until she went to drink-and-drug-and-sex fueled Coachella Music Festival—which is where a girl with drink and drug and sex issues needs to hang before she gets locked up, no?

Poor Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. The man cannot get a break at all from The Stalkers and The Crazies.

It seems that just last week one of his crazy ‘fans’ followed him into the gym and threw a razor blade full of, gulp, pubic hair at him. It all went down at Jackman’s gym in NYC where police say the woman was hysterically crying and declaring her undying love for Huge, er, Hugh, and then hurled the razor at him. After she was tossed out of the gym, police caught up with her and arrested her.

Wow. Now, in the hope of being open and honest, I will admit that I, too, was once arrested for tossing my, um, pubic hairs at Hugh Jackman.

Difference was, I was still attached to my pubes when I hurled them at him.

Whoosh. That’s a load off my chest! Or somewhere.

Back at Lindsay…

She is still saying that she won’t go to any rehab that won’t allow her to take her daily dosages of Adderall.

I tried to do the same thing at Promises several years ago when I asked if I could still shoot up while locked away. Yeah, they said ‘No.’

But, it looks more and more likely that that’s what’s going to happen to Lindsay. She’ll be doing  her 90 days at the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach, New York, close to Enabler-In-Chief, Dina Lohan, and all her dealers. An official source at the Center says that although they allow people to take drugs prescribed by a doctor, they are suspicious of Adderall because of its many abuses—which is precisely what Lohan’s trouble is; folks say they take it for ADHD, when they’re really using it for weight loss and getting high. Seafield says it will wean Lohan off Adderall and give her a less addictive med for ADHD.

Lindsay—who takes so much Adderall she could be the spokes-addict—has told friends that she will refuse an Adderall substitute. She says she’s tried other meds—Really? Quelle surprise!—and Adderall is the only one that works for her.

I want to be in that room when Lindsay says she won’t stay unless she gets her Adderall. I wanna be in the room when the drug addict says I won’t stay in rehab if I can’t keep my drugs.

Um, Linds? That’s been your issue all along.

So, there’s a new list in Hollywood this week which rates the Most Hated Celebrities and the big surprise is that, while Chris Brown is hated, he’s not the most hated.

20. Chris Brown—girlfriend beater

19. Jesse James—adulterer

18. Taylor Swift—serial dater

17. Shia LaBeouf—lunatic

16. Lindsay Lohan—‘nuff said

15. Angelina Jolie—husband stealer

14. Jay Leno—not funny

13. Ashton Kutcher—adulterer

12. LeAnn Rimes—adulterer … I’m sensing a theme

10 and 11. Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian—adulterers/media whores

9. Anne Hathaway—phony humility

8. Justin Bieber—Lesbian

7. Madonna—age old pop star

6. Matt Lauer—news hack

5. Katherine Heigl—really bad actress

4. John Mayer—perv

3. Jennifer Lopez—big ass, no talent

2. Kristen Stewart—adulterer

1. Gwyneth Paltrow—Yes!

I’m in with all the folks on the list, especially with Paltrow at Number One—and you know she’ll twist this into some sort of jealousy vote.

How do you think the list does? Who got left off?

Speaking of Kristen Stewart …

 Remember when she was boning her older man, married to another woman, director?

Keep that in mind as we discuss.

Last November, Kristen signed on to a film called Focus, which was supposed to be about an older male con artist teaching the art of the grift to a young female con artist with no discernible talent. It seemed tailor-made for Stewart,

Ben Affleck was signed on to play the older man love interest and all was good. But then Ben dropped out of the film—probably because his wife, Jennifer Garner, wasn’t keen on him starring opposite Trampy Stewart.

So, Ben’s out, and then Will Smith is in. Yeah, it still sounds like the movie will suck, but … Now  Kristen has pulled out. She says the age difference between Smith and herself is too large a gap.

Age difference? Ben Affleck is 40 years old. Will Smith is 44 years old. There’s not a huge difference between 40 and 44, so is that the real reason Kristen is gone?

Maybe not, because rumor has it that the producers are just letting her save face by saying she’s pulled out when really what happened was that Will Smith wanted a better actress—read: not a whore—to play opposite.

Okay, so we know Jon Hamm is packing his pants. I mean, we’ve seen the evidence. And we’ve heard him ask that we stop talking about his man meat, so I’ll oblige …. Today.

See, I wanna talk about porn star James Deen—the ‘actor'- who played opposite Lohan in The Canyons which will never see the light of day.

It seems Deen, who appeared in an unauthorized’ sex tape with Teen Mom Farrah Abraham, recently admitted that their ‘sex tape’ was actually a porn film and not a leaked sex tape.

Well, Farrah Abraham retaliated by telling anyone and everyone that Deen, um, “had a small penis.” Hmm, hell hath no fury like a woman who seeks fame like a Kardashian.

James Deen responded, “What is her problem???? It is obviously medium sized. On the list of things I care about the size of my penis is number 783.”

Suh-nap. Now, Farrah can go back to her ‘reality’ show and maybe teach her child not to be a fame-whore who has sex on film to make a living, but to maybe get an education and a real job.

I Didn't Say It ....

Jacob Rudolph, a high school senior in Parsippany, New Jersey, coming out to his entire class at their awards ceremony as he accepted the award for Best Actor:
"Sure I've been in a few plays and musicals, but more importantly, I've been acting every single day of my life. You see, I've been acting as someone I'm not. Most of you see me every day. You see me acting the part of 'straight' Jacob, when I am in fact LGBT. Unlike millions of other LGBT teens who have had to act every day to avoid verbal harassment and physical violence, I'm not going to do it anymore. It's time to end the hate in our society and accept the people for who they are regardless of their sex, race, orientation, or whatever else may be holding back love and friendship. So take me leave me or move me out of the way. Because I am what I am, and that's how I'm going to act from now on."

Welcome out Jacob. Now you can quit acting and focus on acting.
And acting surprised when Homo HQ sends you the obligatory Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.
Welcome out.
PS Jacob received a standing ovation after his announcement.

Ryan Gosling, on his abs and pecs:

"Anyone can get those if they work at it. It's just a lot of exercising. And it's really quite pointless, because you go to a gym and you lift a heavy thing so a muscle grows, but the only thing the muscle can actually do is to lift that heavy thing. After a while they're like pets because they don't do anything useful. But you have to feed them and take care of them otherwise they'll go away. I feel a bit goofy having them, to tell you the truth."

Well, if you ever need a pet sitter, Ryan, I am always available. I think I can find something useful to do with them.

Mitch McConnell, on Obama’s inauguration speech:

"One thing is clear from the president's speech: The era of liberalism is back. His unabashedly far-left-of-center inaugural speech certainly brings back memories of the Democratic Party in ages past. If the president pursued that kind of agenda, obviously it's not designed to bring us together, and certainly not designed to deal with the transcendent issue of our era, which is deficits and debt."

Funny, Mitch, what have you done to deal with the deficit and the debt, because, as I remember, you said your only goal was to make Obama a one-term president and you couldn’t even accomplish that.

The blame for this mess goes at the feet of the party of NO, the GOP.

David Beuhner, a so-called ‘pastor,’ on The Gays:

"If we embrace homosexuality, we'll destroy society, we'll destroy families, we'll destroy everything. It's not just that God hates homosexuals, there's a reason why he hates it. If you break natural laws-- you say you don't believe in gravity, you jump off a building, you're gonna die. Homosexuality has consequences and God designed those consequences. The word of god is quite clear. He's destroyed every culture that has embraced homosexuality. The sin is similar to that of cannibalism and child molestation in the sense that it's a sin against society. I'm calling for discrimination against adulterers, rapists, murderers, homosexuals. Yes, we must discriminate as a society. God's law to the civil magistrate in terms of homosexuality says you should remove the abomination from the land." 

Wow, I mean, I’d heard these kinds of wingnuts equate homosexuality to child molestation—even though 90% of child molesters are straight men—but I have never heard someone equate being gay with cannibalism.

Beuhner, honey, you are an asshat, and if you can find me the passage in the Bible that contains the words, the actual words, “God hates homosexuality” please send them on to me.

Chris Christie, New Jersey governor, on the NRA ad that attacks the Obama children:

"To talk about the president’s children or any public officer’s children who have, not by their own choice, but by requirement to have protection and to use that somehow to try to make a poetical point I think is reprehensible. They’ve got real issues to debate on this topic. Get to the real issues.  Don’t be dragging people’s children into this. It’s wrong and I think it demeans them [the NRA] and it makes them less of a valid, trusted source of information on the real issues that confront this debate."

They don’t have issues, so they’ll play the conservative/wingnut/birther/racist card for all it’s worth, though, I wonder how the NRA and its minions would have reacted had anyone, anywhere, ever placed an ad attacking the Bush children?

Paul Ferguson,  Arlington County Clerk of the Circuit Court, to the same-sex couples who appeared at his office to demand marriage licenses:

"I commend each of you that is coming forward today for your courage. I think you do realize that by law, the Commonwealth of Virginia does not allow me to issue those marriage licenses to you. I hope that if laws do change in the future, that you will choose to return one day to Arlington County to receive a marriage license.  Unfortunately, I am not able to grant that license by law." 

One day, Paul.

One day, Virginia.

Derek Nance, a program director at Mataguay Scout Ranch, on being gay and a member of the Boy Scouts of America organization:

"I am gay... I'm open to all my friends and family in real life, but the people I truly feel closest to, I've had to remain distant. Which is why I've chosen this moment to open up to them, and to every other staff member of the Boy Scouts of America who is in the same position I am in. The only way we will change the Boy Scouts' discriminatory policies is if those of us who are on the front lines representing them to thousands of scouts every single summer start engaging in some open dialogue on this issue. Lawsuits by the ACLU or confidential reviews by the Boy Scouts are not going to change policies. The first step to coming to an agreement on this issue is to drop the old pretenses and stereotypes and to start actually talking."

If those people in the BSA who are gay, and gay-friendly, would start talking, things would have to change.

Silence gets us nowhere.

Michelangelo Signorile, on the idea that Manti Te’o might be gay:

"If the Notre Dame linebacker at the center of the 'girlfriend hoax' story indeed constructed an elaborate cover story for his gay closet, as so many gay men do in worlds that demand they be heterosexual, the emotional jolt of humiliation and embarrassment at being exposed will be overwhelming. We've seen too many young people, particularly with backgrounds like Te'o's, growing up in the conservative, anti-gay Mormon church, pushed against the wall by homophobia and going to extreme lengths in denying their homosexuality, sometimes even harming themselves."

Is this the example we want to set? That people need to stay so deeply closeted that every aspect of their lives is a lie built on a lie built on a lie?

James Deen, Lindsay Lohan's co-star in The Canyons, on the sex scenes making Lohan uncomfortable:

“I can’t speak for her, but we were all hanging out, joking around, and it was the three of us naked in bed—and Lindsay was half naked—and then she all of a sudden was like, Could you guys put your clothes back on? I’m feeling really uncomfortable. And then we were like, Ugh, OK. So we put our robes back on, but she was still lying on the bed topless, and we were like, Well, what about you? And she was like, No! I can be naked, but you can’t be! We were like, All right … Whatever you need. … But, it was in her mind because everyone else on set was like, We’ve seen you in Playboy, we’ve seen crotch shots all over the Internet, so this is nothing new, but to her, it was something different. It was an escalating event where she tried to make it a big deal—no one cared—she tried to make it a bigger deal—no one cared—so then she just went around the corner of the room. She said, When Julia Roberts does topless scenes, she makes the whole crew shoot in their boxers! I want that! And the whole crew just rolled their eyes and was like, We’re not doing that. We’ll do that for fuckin’ Julia Roberts, but not you. Go find another crew; we’ll just leave.”

Oh LOLhan. You, sir, are no Julia Roberts. You might have been on your way, at one time, but arrests and rehabs and jail terms changed all that.

Sidenote: James Deen: Folks says you’re good in this more mainstream movie, but enough with the ‘like’, like, you know, like it’s, like, annoying.

Pat Buchanan, asshat for all seasons, on the President’s inauguration speech:

“This is a cross between a State of the Union speech with an agenda and a partisan rally given to the DNC. And so, I think, the president lost a real opportunity. Look, they usually talk about what? When I was a kid, Lexington and Concord and Bunker Hill. What was he talking about? Stonewall. That’s a barroom brawl in Greenwich Village in 1969, when cops were hassling gays in their bar, and the gays fought back and threw them all out. Does that belong in a presidential inaugural?”

Yes, asshat, it does, when it involves Americans being treated as ‘less than’ and when it involves Americans being harassed, beaten and arrested simply for being gay.

And just because you stood on the cold ground at G. Washington’s inauguration and heard tell of Revolutionary War Battles means nothing.

Times have changed Pat, now you need to catch up.