Snarky Thoughts

Last month, Joe Jonas welcomed his second daughter with wife Sophie Turner, and we all know babies ain’t cheap … even for a JoBro. So Joe opted for a new gig promoting Xeomin, a Botox alternative that reduces fine lines and wrinkles. 

My Thought: He’s 33 and hawking injectables. I can’t wait to see his ad for adult diapers when he’s 37.

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Remember last week how annoyed Ben Affleck was over the number of paparazzi on his and Jennifer Lopez Affleck’s honeymoon tour? Well, hopefully he’s settled down because the Affleck’s are throwing themselves a 3-day wedding recent at Ben’s Riceboro, Georgia estate this weekend with busloads of guests and a JAf—funny cuz it’s like Jenny as fuck—wedding gown extravaganza with pictures and videos and all kinds of stuff.

My Thought: how soon after this second ‘I do’ will Ben disappear into the house while JAf parties all night on Instagram?

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They say everything old is new again and with Madonna that’s almost true. Everything old is new again except Madonna. See, Madge turned 64 this week and partied like she was dyslexic and thought she was 46. And because the only tricks she has any more are the old ones, she posted two pictures of herself deep throating a couple of gal pals just like she did nearly twenty years ago to Britney and Xtina at the VMA’s. Soooo controversial!

My Thought: Grandma could get arrested if she keeps this up, but then everything old again is Madonna.

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In case we needed further proof that Hollywood is anti-women or that Chris Pratt ... the least interesting of the Chris's ... was a douche, Bryce Dallas Howard revealed that she was paid far less than Pratt Jurassic World. But Bryce actually praised Chris by saying he went to bat for her and “pushed for [me] to receive equal pay on other franchise opportunities that were not already contractually binding, such as spinoff video games and theme-park rides” after she told him the terms of the three-picture contract she signed in 2014.

My Thought: Yeah, he went to bat, but still cashed his giant check. Hey Chris, howsabout saying you won’t do the film unless Bryce Dallas Howard gets the same money as you? I mean, she did all the same stunts, and in heels.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh. Hell. No. It’s been announced that 34-year-old Cynthia Erivo and 28-year-old Ariana Grande will star as Elphaba and Galinda in the film version of the Broadway musical Wicked and I am not here for it.

Here’s why … in both the book, which I have read, and the musical, which, yes, I have seen countless times, Elphaba and Galinda—she was Galinda before changing her name to Glinda—are the same age, and roommates in college. Erivo and Grande do not look the same age.

Now, I’m cool with Erivo, who is a formidable talent, but Grande? Come on. Find someone closer in age to Erivo who looks like a contemporary and not somebody’s little sister.

On the upside? Tens of thousands of people have signed a petition begging James Corden to stay out of the upcoming Wicked movie.

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For a while now there’s been a battle over the Hottest Chris … Pine, Hemsworth, Evans, or Pratt. Now, I’ve long been a fan of all three, Hemsworth with his hot body, Evans and his hot ass, and Pine with his sexy blue eyes, but I’ve never thought much of Pratt and now I think even less of him,.

Pratt was once married to Anna Faris, and they share a 9-year-old son named Jack. Jack was born seven weeks premature and weighed less than four pounds. He spent the first month of his life in the NICU before coming home and has had health issues and five separate surgeries due to his premature birth.

So what did Pratt do that earns him the title of Douchebag? Well, he took to Instagram to brag on his current wife Katherine Schwarzenegger and praised her for the things she’s given him, including an “amazing life” and a “gorgeous healthy daughter.”

Yes, Katherine gave him a healthy daughter while Anna … let’s not even talk about the misogyny of a man saying his wife “gave” him a child, as though that’s her duty, but to even praise her because the child she bore for him was healthy?

Pratt is a douche.

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Ramona Singer is the longest serving—like a jail sentence—member on The Real Housewives of New York City and is by far the worst. Though she rarely talks about it, she’s an ALLEGED Thing 45 fan, she thought COVID was a hoax, and is constantly saying racist, offensive shiz.

For example, at a “Black Shabbat” dinner she said that Jewish people hate her, and that she, too, was a victim of racism because a Black nurse ALLEGEDLY  refused to give her pain meds while she was in labor in 1987. And this past week, she commented “So true” on a video of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. comparing vaccine mandates to “Nazi territory.”

So that’s Ramona in a nutshell.

This past last season Eboni K. Williams joined the show as the first Black cast member, and not so coincidentally this past season was the first time ever that the reunion shows were cancelled. At first Bravo blamed that on “scheduling conflicts” even though the reunions are part of the filming schedule and planned out months in advance but then an uglier story broke that the cancellation had to do with an investigation into Ramona’s ALLEGED racist behavior and a comment she made during a fight when LuAnn de Lesseps kicked Eboni out of her home; Ramona ALLEGEDLY said:

“This is why we shouldn’t have Black people on the show.” 

Ramona immediately denied it, but … also says she signed a confidentiality agreement and can’t “share her side of the story.” Um, here’s the deal: someone accuses me of being a racist any “confidentiality” agreement is tossed out the window and I’m talking. But Ramona isn’t, and was asked by Bravo to undergo sensitivity training: AKA Stop Saying Racist Shit, Girl.

Eboni ALLEGEDLY filed a complaint against Ramona when she heard about the racist comment, and that Bravo took the ALLEGATION seriously enough to launch an investigation. Ramona was ultimately cleared though Williams was sad to be “dissatisfied” with the investigation and its findings.

And fans have their own thoughts: some think Bravo canceled the reunion so Eboni wouldn’t have a chance to confront Ramona about her racism, and others think the network is protecting Ramona so that people will watch her in the upcoming Peacock spin-off, The Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip, and that once the spin-off is done airing, Ramona will get fired.

Or, as I am apt to think, Andy Cohen will give her a pay raise for all the free publicity.

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Shailene Woodley, girlfriend of COVIDIOT Aaron Rodgers,  took to social media this week to slam the Daily Mail for misidentifying her boyfriend in a series of photos about him being a liar, saying the media outlet was “grasping at straws to disparage Aaron.” She posted screenshots from the story and drew a circle around the mystery man’s—who had been identified as Aaron in the photo—shoes and brought up the old wives’ tale that big feet mean big dick:

“i know aaron’s body. VERY well. first off, his feet, ahem and no offense to this rando dude, are a LOT bigger. ;).”

Wow, Shailene. Tell us more about your ALLEGEDLY big-dicked lying boyfriend; and she did:

“also, for those of us who know aaron beyond the worlds of obsessed sport and shitty media, it’s no secret he has the hairiest hands on the fucking planet. this oblivious homie, clearly, does not. (go ahead, zoom in).”

Whoosh, Shailene is pissed over, and obsessed by, big feet and hairy hands, and gets very angry about them. Lastly, she went after the man’s car:

“also, cute car dude, but aaron would never drive this.”

Take it down a notch, girl your boyfriend was asked if he had taken the COVID-19  vaccine and he said, “Yes.” And that was a lie. Now, did the Daily Mail maybe not use photos of the actual liar? Did they use a small-footed, smooth-handed, compact car driving man? Maybe.

But that doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t a liar, hon, and that doesn’t mean you sound desperate and pathetic.

Take a seat, Karen.

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If Dakota Johnson is your Secret Santa this year your, um, “stocking” will be stuffed.

For some reason known to no one other than Dakota, she announced that she will be giving Butt Plugs, designed by sexual wellness brand Maude, to friends and family for Christmas because nothing says Ho Ho Ho like a butt plug, I guess:

“Oh, this is going in everybody’s stocking. Are you kidding? It’s the perfect stocking stuffer. You think your uncle hasn’t wanted a butt plug his entire life? You’re lying.”

The butt plug, dubbed Cone, plug is a dark evergreen color and resembles a Christmas tree, perfect for the person who wants a Christmas tree up their bum.

Maude’s $30 “Cone” is made with FDA-grade, body-safe silicone that is soft to the touch. The tapered end of the toy and its smaller size makes it the perfect “starter size” for beginners, designed with both men and women in mind to make anal play “really approachable.”

Ho Ho … Oooh.

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I Didn't Say It ...

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It's Snarkurday!

So last week it was confirmed that Charlize Theron and Sean Penn were no more, though it appears to have been over for a couple of months now because, ALLEGEDLY, Penn was “overly critical” of Theron — perhaps because she has a much more in-demand career — and that she was just plain over him.

So she simply stopped taking his calls. No text; no email … nothing.  And this kind of breakup apparently has its own name … go figure … and it’s called “ghosting.” But, whatever it’s called, it’s quite clear that Theron ended it and Sean is still getting a “Mailbox Full” message.

Well, look who is making news because, well, they haven’t been making news lately … not since her break-up with that Terminator boy.

Miley Cyrus — who revealed recently that she came out as bisexual to her family at 14 — is dating a woman, Victoria Secret model, Stella Maxwell because, well, publicity. Yawn.

Well well well … since she’s off probation, and doesn’t have a job, what is Lindsay Lohan to do? Give an interview with Hello! Magazine and say this:

“I can definitely see myself settling in London permanently.”

And when asked if she would apply for British citizenship, she replied:

“If you’ll have me, I will.”

Okay UK, she’s your problem now. Don’t even think about having her deported!

Tiger Woods got flayed. Not played … flayed … as in Bobby Flay!

Y’all probably know by now that Tiger — who just ended his relationship with Lindsey Vonn — choked big time during the first round of the US Open when he lost control of his club and sent it sailing through the air, right? Well, perhaps it was because a plane flew over with that same banner that flew over Bobby Flay’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony trailing a banner that read “Cheater.”

Ben Affleck better be careful … just sayin’.

Charlie Sheen is back in the news … yay!

He recently celebrated Father’s Day by calling Dennis Richards, the second of his three ex-wives — from whom he’s been divorced for ten years — a “despicable charlatan” and a “sack of landfill rash” during a hate-filled … and illiterate … Twitter rant so you know it’s the real Charlie:.

“Denise Richards is a shake down piece of s–t doosh phace & worst mom alive!”

“[A] despicable charlatan who sux ISIs ass!!!!

 “[S]ee u in court you evil terrorist sack of landfill rash. this gangster Sheenius will be Winning! Duh!!”

Richards responded with her own tweet:

“Happy Dad’s Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico! Kids were disappointed u weren’t here for it-Hey we’ll celebrate when u r back!”

Looks more like Denise is winning.

This is the most highlarious thing EVER!!!!

Out there in Oakland California, on June 30, for a mere $40, you, too, can attend a lecture on the objectification of women given by a woman who made her name flat on her back, heels to Jesus, in a sex tape.

That’s right, y’all, Kim Kardastrophe is speaking at the Paramount Theatre about her “new book Selfish, the Kardashian/Jenner clan, the business of millennial culture, the objectification of women in media, and more.”

Seriously? And it’s being called … wait for it, because it sounds like there will be strippers … “Kim Kardashian West Live!”  I’d go, but first, before I plunk down forty bucks, I’d ask Kim Kardastrophe to spell “objectification.”

So, Amber Heard, that sexually fluid wannabe who recently hitched her wagon to Johnny Depp’s falling star, has a few choice words for the Australian officials who demanded Depp take his illegally-smuggled-into-the-country dogs out of Oz or else. She says the politics wanted their fifteen minutes of fame:

“I have a feeling we’re going to avoid the land Down Under from now on, just as much as we can, thanks to certain politicians there. I don’t know, I guess everyone tries to go for their 15 minutes, including some government officials.”

Or … maybe those politicos believe the law applies to everyone who visits their country, even a spoiled has been and his hanger-on.

Well, it looks like Diddy is one of those parents; the ones who rail at their son’s football coaches and, well, attack them with a kettlebell.

Only the son involved inst some ten-year-old and this wasn’t some Pop Warner football league. The son is Justin Combs, who is twenty-one and the coach is the coach of the UCLA football team and Diddy wasn’t happy that the coach berated his son for missing practice and not giving it his all so he attacked the man.

Lovely parenting Diddy. And now he’s been arrested, posted bail, and is facing felony assault charges, though I see a healthy donation to UCLA in their future and I also see charges dropped.

Money talks louder than a physical assault.

Conrad Hilton just can’t stay out of trouble these days.

In May, he reportedly turned himself into authorities in connection with a high-speed car chase resulting in wrecking his BMW last August. He was charged with felony reckless evading a police officer and was released on $100,000 bail.

Then this past Monday Conrad was arrested again for violating a restraining order protecting his ex-girlfriend, Hunter Solomon, after authorities found Conrad inside Solomon’s home.

And if this story needed to be any slimier, Hunter Salomon is the daughter of Rick Salomon, the guy who co-starred in Conrad’s sister, Paris Hilton’s sex tape.

Yes, he was schtupping the daughter of the man who schtupped his sister on film.

I need a Silkwood scrubdown.

And we’ll end with a celebrity who actually does something nice for someone other than themselves.

Chris Pratt, who visited children’s hospitals around the country last year in his Guardians of the Galaxy costume that he stole just for those occasions, is at it again.

He recently stopped in at Our Lady of Lake Children’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and reenacted some of his Jurassic World scenes with, and for, the kids.

Chris Pratt really seems to be one of the good guys. 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

LeAnn Rimes is pissing off her fan … okay … fans, by canceling a series of concerts recently claiming to be too sick to perform.

But a series of social media slip-ups … by LeAnn, who is addicted to social media … show that she was actually partying with her husband because she’s afraid that if she goes away he’ll cheat on her … like he did with his first wife; oh, and like she did with her first husband.

LeAnn first sparked outrage by backing out of her show at the Cold Country Casino at the last minute, and then canceled the following night’s show at the Primm Valley Resort in Las Vegas.

But her followers didn’t buy her excuse because on the day of her second cancellation, LeAnn Tweeted about enjoying Mexican food and margaritas.

Oops. She really shouldn’t cancel shows because once she finds Eddie cheating … and let’s be clear, he’ll cheat … and she dumps his ass, he’ll sue for spousal support and she’ll be needing the coins.

With the ongoing Brian Williams Is A Big Fat Liar mess going on at NBC, shark Katie Couric is circling the network looking for her old job back but … sources say, “Katie is not welcome back at the ‘Today’ show.”

Couric began looking for her comeback at NBC when her former boss Andrew Lack, who helped make her a star at “Today,” was returning as chairman of NBC News and MSNBC. It is ALLEGED that with Lack in charge, and Katie as his favorite lapdog, she’d replace Williams at the NBC Nightly News desk.

All well and good, but if the evening gig doesn’t pan out, don’t look for many people to be happy is she returns to Today — especially not Matt Lauer. It seems, according to ‘the source’ — who may be Lauer himself — that “there’s still a lot of people at the show who worked with her back in the day, and she wasn’t very nice to work with, especially toward the end.”

Katie, for her part, is saying nothing, except she’s also saying everything, via spokesman:

“Katie has a longstanding friendship with Andy and has great respect for him and her former NBC colleagues. She wishes them all great success going forward, but she remains excited and focused on working with her team at Yahoo on her many interviews and projects.”

Uh huh. Katie will be heading back to NBC and Williams will be working in the mailroom, and Lauer will have to return the NBC helicopter and drive in to work like a regular Joe.

The Old Kate is back!  Kate Moss, that is; the 41-year-old supermodel was out partying — nothing new, considering her nickname, CoKate — with BFF Lady Gaga last week when Kate lost it and lunged at a photographer who dared take her picture.

A disheveled Moss and Gaga were headed into the posh Club Haussmann when paparazzi began snapping away, and that’s when Moss lost it. She spun on her heels, furrowed her brow and attacked a photographer, grabbing his coat sleeve as she tried to swing on him.

That’s when Gaga’s entourage intervened, and pried Moss’ hands off the photographer.

Here’s the deal: if you act in public in a way that embarrasses Lady Gaga and make her lose her poker face, then you know you’re out of control.

Chris Brown knocked up some random girl and now is a father ... I believe that’s a sign of the apocalypse.

Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty by Nia Guzman last month and quickly offered the Baby Mama more money than she would have received in child support for the promise of never ever speaking about this again because Brownie didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father.

Lovely man, though I’d be more about his daughter finding out that he’s her father.

Unfortunately … or fortunately, if you love gossip … someone in the know began talking and now the story is everywhere, even causing Chris’s former flame, Karrueche Tran, to bolt. And Chris is sure the big mouth is Nia, angling for a lifetime of more coins and more coins, so now he’s talking with a lawyer about creating a child support order which means Mia won’t be rolling in Brown dough for the rest of her life.

And, to make matters uglier fort all involved, Nia’s ex-husband, Terry Avery — who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up by Brownie — has decided to get involved by threatening Brown if his World Famous Temper, and habit of hitting women and throwing furniture and rocks, continues with Nia and the baby.

Last we heard, though, Little Royalty was angling for Canadian citizenship since our neighbors to the North refuse to let Brown across the border.

Finally, a smart woman in Chris Brown’s life.

In Kray Kray Kanye news: last week Kanye West was actually invited to speak at Oxford University in England and said this:

“Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater. You know what should cost $5000? A car.”

This from the man who “designed” and sold a $120.00 plain white t-shirt.

This from the man who recently unveiled the pricing information from Kanye’s “fashion” collection for Adidas and, well, it’s a car … in costs.

“Entry level” pieces like hoodies and sweatshirts start at $420; sweaters range from $860 to $1600; outerwear starts at $1700 and goes up to $3800; shoes start at $200.

How does he manage to look like a hypocrite every time he speaks?

One minute it’s talk of clothing being accessible, and then he unveils a line of really hideous garments that most of his fans can’t afford. In fact, only his wife seems interested in wearing what he designs and probably only because she gets them for free.

Sometimes reporting the gossip with a healthy dose of snark gets tiring. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am overflowing with snark, so I’m thankful for the outlet, but every once in a while, I need a good story … and if it’s about a hot guy, or a couple of hot guys, well, even better.

A few months ago, Chris Pratt and Chris Evans made a Super Bowl bet. Pratt — a Seahawks fan — and Evans — a Patriot — agreed to visit the other’s children’s hospital of choice based on the outcome of the game.

And even though the Patriots took the title, both Evans and Pratt decided both hospitals should receive superhero visits. While Pratt — who swiped his Star Lord suit from Guardians of the Galaxy — showed up in a Patriots jersey when he went with Evans to a hospital in Boston, Evans donned his Captain America costume when he and Pratt visited Seattle Children’s Hospital, and seemed to have just as good a time as the kids they surprised.

Chris Pratt posted pictures of the visit on Facebook, while Chris Evans Tweeted his thoughts:

"AMAZING day at @seattlechildren w @prattprattpratt. Met some TRUE super heroes! Feeling inspired, blessed, touched. Thank you w all my heart"

Even if you aren’t a fan of Pratt or Evans, you gotta love these two guys … two hot guys … especially Captain  America with a beard.