Bring Me To Tears ....

I always liked Kelly ... she was my favorite on season one of American Idol and each week she was impressive with her range and her power and her voice.

This, the last season of Idol Kelly returned to judge and then sing a little ...

Once again, she won the show with a song about her father abandoning her and her husband putting her back together ... I cried watching it last night and cried again this morning when I showed it to Carlos.

Breath.Taking.

Piece by Piece

And all I remember is your back

Walking towards the airport leaving us all in your past

I traveled 1500 miles to see you

Begged you to want me

But you didn't want to

But piece by piece you collected me

Up off the ground but you abandoned things

And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me

At six years old and no

He never walks away

He never asks for money

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece

He restored my faith

That a man can be kind

And a father could stay

And all of your words fall flat

I made something of myself and now you wanna come back

But your love isn't free

It has to be earned

Back then I didn't have anything you needed

So I was worthless

But piece by piece you collected me

Up off the ground but you abandoned things

And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me

At six years old and no

He never walks away

He never asks for money

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece

He restored my faith

That a man can be kind

And a father could stay

Piece by piece...

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I would never leave her like you left me

She will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I'm gonna put her first

He'll never walk away

He'll never break her heart

He'll take care of things

He'll love her

Piece by piece

He restored my faith

That a man can be kind

And a father should be great

Piece by piece...

Random Musings

Look, there isn’t a chance in Hell I’d vote Republican — especially not with what we see of the GOP today — but I seriously wish these bunch of morons who wanna be Prez in 2016 would stop telling us how bad Hillary is and start telling us what they would do if elected.

Wow, look what storm chasers in eastern Colorado saw last Saturday afternoon!

In related news, a young girl’s house lifted off the ground in neighboring Kansas and she and her little dog have not been seen since.

If you know of her whereabouts, please contact Aunt Em.

A new study by the Pew Research Center finds that the number of Americans identifying as Christian has fallen by 8% since 2007; a decline of five million. Now, the study doesn't reveal why this is happening but I have an idea:

Religion, at least most organized religions, are not inclusive, but exclusive, and most people are tired to that; they’re tired of being told to hate The Gays, to deny women equality. They’re tired of the hypocrisy and yet, on the other hand, non-Christian faiths like Judaism, Islam and Hinduism remain unchanged, or showing growth.

Something to ponder.

So, American Idol ended this week. That show has been on life support since Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood won, and finally Fox is pulling the plug … at the end of next season.

Oh the suffering … Pull the plug already!

George Zimmerman has once again been involved in violence, this time in a 'Road Rage' shooting incident where he was shot in the face and sustained minor injuries.

And none of this would have happened had that jury found him guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin because he did murder Trayvon.

[photo source]

I cannot help but feel that most of That Woman’s reluctance to talk about her ex-husband Bruce Jenner’s transition to female is because she knows Bruce will make a more attractive woman that she ever has; just saying.

That’s what Donald Rump — not a misspelling — said after that Amtrak derailment in Philadelphia this week.

Yup, he stood on the backs of the injured and the dead to tout himself as the best candidate for president.

F**king go away.

So, I loves me some Law & Order: SVU. And that show has always had a fairly hot detective, like Christopher Meloni and Danny Pino. But they recently added Peter Scanavino as detective Sonny Carisi and when he first appeared I was all ‘Meh.’

But something happened over the course of the season, and now, well, he tickles my, um, Funny Bone, as it were. Just sayin’.

Did Tom Brady know? Was he involved? Should he have been suspended?

I don’t know or care, but I do know his smug response to the report that perhaps, maybe, he might have known something, really showed off his arrogance and so I’m glad he got punished, and I hope it sticks.

Pompous bastard.

[photo source]

You cannot write this stuff …

Chris Christie spent $360,000 from his state allowance during his five years in office and more than 80% of that money — $300,000 — was used to buy food, alcohol and desserts; abd all this was in addition to his $175,000 a year salary.

His most notable spending sprees occurred during the 2010 and 2011 NFL football seasons, at MetLife Stadium, where where Christie likes to ‘entertain’ his friends … Corn Dog and Beer.

Special Request: People, please, for the love of the Baby Jeebus, please stop saying, ‘It is what it is,’ as an excuse.

It’s just about the dumbest response ever and my head is about to explode over it.

Stop it.

Our Newest "American Idol"

Here's your winner......

Oops. That's not him, this is him.......

Po-TAY-to. Po-TAH-to.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But........

I hate to say I told you so but.......

Lindsay Lohan failed a pair of drug tests this week and it looks like, if the judge is true to his word, that she is going back to the slammer for 30 days.

And hopefully, she'll serve all thirty days and not just a long weekend.

At first, the Lohan camp was denying the failed tests, but then Lindsay herself took to Twitter to confess:

"Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result.
"Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn't go away over night. I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps forward every day. I am testing every single day and doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future.
"This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I'm prepared to face the consequences.
"I am so thankful for the support of my fans, loved ones and immediate family, who understand that i am trying hard, but also that I am a work in progress, just as anyone else. I am keeping my faith, and I am hopeful….Thank you all!!!

Um, yeah, I won't hold my breath on this one. I imagine Lindsay, on her way to court, will stop by the nail salon and have another message painted on her middle finger.

And, I imagine, that Dina will spin this some way to make it seem like it's anyone's and everyone's fault, except hers and Lindsay.

And then we'll start all over again.

Oh Oprah. Your ego is as big as your waistline.
And, apparently, getting bigger all the time.
It seems that Oprah, the falling star of daytime TV, who is getting out just in time, surprised her audience the other day with a trip to Australia for all of them.
Not, you know, to say Thanks for watching me all these years but rather to say I am the richest woman in the world and none of you can ever touch me.
But it seems that more than $3 million dollars are going to be spent to bring Oprah and zombies to tape a show at the Sydney Opera House, but Tourism Minister Martin Ferguson said the cost is completely reasonable for what they're getting in return:
"This truly represents an amazing opportunity to showcase Australia, the warmth and hospitality of our people and the depth and breadth of everything our country has to offer visitors from around the world. Tourism Australia is finally getting it together. We as a nation will win as a result of this coup. I think it's money well spent."
Tourism Australia is partly financing "Project O," contributing $1.5 million from its current financial year marketing budget.
Isn't it funny how Oprah plays off the "I'm taking you to Australia," when in fact she isn't paying for a thing, and will probably get a paycheck while she's there? And, naturally, as with her infamous "free" car giveaway years ago, her audience must pay the taxes on the entire eight-day trip.
Some gift.
Sidenote:
Australia? Oprah going Down Under. Put another school of shrimp on the barbie.
Girlfriend is hungry.

Shaquille O'Neal is being sued by Shawn Darling, a former employee, for emotional distress, invasion of privacy and racketeering. Darling was employed by O'Neal from 2007 to 2009, and says he worked on several "creepy" projects for the NBA star.
He has ALLEGEDLY witnessed O'Neal hacking into voicemails, use law enforcement contacts to gain info about his mistresses,throw a personal computer with evidence in a nearby lake and conspire with active police to frame Darling for a criminal offense.
Uh oh.
Back in 2008, Shaq styarted having an affair with Alexis Miller--who has her own laqwsuit against O'Neal for harassment and stalking--and Shawn Darling says O'Neal asked him to find every email and text that he sent to Miller. He was then asked to perform a clean sweep of O'Neal's computer, wiping out every trace of Alexis Miller.
And if that isn't enough, Darling's lawsuit ALLEGES that "O'Neal, along with his houseboy Joe Caballero, disposed of the computer in the lake behind O'Neal's house and gave Darling cash to buy another replacement I-Mac."
It got ugly in 20098 when Shaq began another affair with Vanessa Lopez. Shawn Darling tried to warn her that O'Neal was hacking into her voicemails, deleting messages and changing her passwords, and Lopez ran to O'Neal with the story.
Darlind claims that O'Neal then began to send him threatening messages, attempted to break into his voicemail and tried to frame Darling for possession of child pornography with the help of an Arizona detective. His goal was that the computer would be confiscated and the evidence of an affair with Lopez would be gone.
Creepy.

I love adulterers who deny being adulterers and then come out and admit they cheated on their spouses and try to make a case for being liars and cheaters.

Yes, LeAnn Rimes, I'm talking to your sorry ass.

LeAnn Rimes: "I understand why people are disappointed in me, especially since I grew up as America's sweetheart. I think any relationship is hard to get out of, and I don't think the way I did it was right. It wasn't a fulfilling marriage for either of us. As we got older, we grew apart."

First off: America's sweetheart? Honey, please. You're a fourth-rate Carrie Underwood on your best day.

Second off: I'm sick of that whole "grew apart" bullshiz. If you grow apart, then move apart, and file for divorce, and get a divorce, and then schtup Eddie Cibrian all you want...at least after he gets a divorce, too.

But don't get caught cheating and then deny it and then leave your husband and move in with the cheater and then blame it all on growing apart.

The only thing that grew apart was your knees.

Shut up already, because you'll be coming up with a new story when Cibrian cheats on you.

Unless you cheat on him first.

File This Under: I'm Getting A Lawn Chair and A Tiny BBQ and Getting In Line Now.

Cher! The Musical!

Yup, after the fantastic Cher appeared on the VMA's in that glittery bodysuit, at age 64 for the love of Gaga, there have been rumors a'rumbling.

Producer-director-writer Andy Fickman has confirmed that he has a theatrical piece, drawn from Cher's life and career, on the way:

"We'll be making announcements about that project coming together shortly. She's a fairly phenomenal character, Cher -- as a human being I think she's one of the great icons of all time, a force to be reckoned with. The way she looked onstage with Lady Gaga, well, it's one for the books."

Fickman isn't saying much more, but he's said enough for me to be readying a trip to a sidewalk in front of a theater somewhere.

Cher! The Musical!

I wonder how many drag queens it'll take to play Cher through the years!

Well, it looks like it's still going on.

Lindsay Lohan is still crying and whining that she shouldn't have to go to jail for her little indiscretions, and that she's only being punished because she's ,ahem, a star. She is begging the judge to let her out of jail on bail.

Lindsay says........What? I'm sorry? It's not Lindsay this time? Oh.

George Michael? Not Lindsay?

Okay. So, George Michael, who was sentenced to 8 weeks in jail, is the, ahem, star who is desperately trying to obtain a Get Out Of Jail card.

A source--and by source I mean George's roommate Bubba--says:

"George is desperate to get out of Pentonville and still can't quite believe he's there. He's pinning all his hopes on a judge giving him bail."
George feels that the sentencing is excessive and that bail should be set because his jail term could have ended before any appeal is heard. But, i think it's his prior record of drinking and driving and drugging and driving and trolling for meat in public parks that may be the problem that is keeping him in jail for a few weeks.

I mean, it's England, and he won't be doing Lindsay time there. They take criminal offenses seriously over there.

Quelle surprise!

FOX has announced that next Wednesday, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest will be unveiling the new line-up of judges for the coming 10th season of Idol.

Um, yeah, FOX? We already knew this, and we already don't care.
See, it's gonna be Jennifer "I need a career boost because my movies flop and my records don't sell and my husband is a hasbeen" Lopez, Steven "Where am I?" Tyler, and Randy "I'll stay only if you give me Simon Cowell money" Jackson.

Yeah, me, too. I'm done with Idol.

No Simon? No Bob.

No Ellen? No Bob.

No fresh talent? No Bob.

And, sad to say, Idol is opening up the audition process to online performances.

Train....followed quickly by.....wreck.

I am a Real Housewives of New York fan.

And I will not be seeking a Twelve-Step program to save me.

But I don't like the OC wives because they are fake boobs, teeth, tans, and hair, and that much plastic doesn't read well on my TV set. As for the Mafia wives, they are just plain ugly and mean and undeniably stupid. The Atlanta girls are just trash.

Then came the DC Wives. I refused to watch because they promoted Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the White House party crashers and self-indulgent, self-involved media whores.

Well, it seems that Bravo, who thought the Salahi's and their special brand of idiocy would bring ratings to the network, has done an aboutface. The Salahi's are out.

Yippee!

Sources--and by sources I mean the guys who work in the mailroom at Bravo and are kept around to service Andy Cohen--say:

"The DC show is the only show in the entire franchise that isn't a true hit. And the Salahi's are the biggest reason for that. At first, execs thought they struck gold with all the attention the couple got over the White House dinner. But now they realize not all press is good press and this couple's involvement in the show has turned more viewers off than on."
The Salahis are ALLEGEDLY miffed because they say Bravo kept them from talking about being pathetic media whores, and so they refused to attend the Housewives of D.C. launch party, and hosted a competing party the same night!
A fellow castmate--and by that i mean any one of the other bee-yotches who sell their lives for fifteen minutes of fame--says:

"At this point, they are an embarrassment to the 'Housewife' franchise. They are a loose cannon. Now, Michaele has revealed she has multiple sclerosis; next she'll be announcing she is pregnant with triplets to get attention."

Like I said, media. Whores.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But......

Monster of the Year, Dina Lohan is talking again, trying to defend the way she raised her convicted criminal daughter Lindsanity Lohan.
She was all testy with master interviewer Matt Lauer on the Today Show, saying, "As a parent, you have to let them go a little bit. When she went out to Los Angeles when she was 19, I had to let her live and fall and fail and survive. Without failure, there's no success....You can't make your child not go out and go to a club and not get behind the wheel of a car."
Um, Dina? You fame-whoring-child-prostituting wingnut? Yes. You. Can. That's what's called parenting and you know nothing about it so best to keep you lips zipped.
Except she didn't.
She ranted about Judge Marsha Revel: "The judge played hardball. Lindsay was in with alleged murderers and she's become friends with a lot of them. Lindsay rolled with the punches and she's doing wonderfully."
Um, again. Dina? Lindsay was in a cell by herself and next door to her was another spoiled Hollywood princess turned burglar. And, if Lindsay was housed with murderers, I'd watch my back. She probably picked up a few tricks of the trade in the big house.
Dina then said Lindsay will be moving back to New York once her rehab is over.
Good, I hear the prisons in New York are a whole lot tougher than the jails in California.
And we all know Lindsay will be back behind bars sooner rather than later. I mean, with an enabling stage mother like Dina, what else can we expect?

Oh dear.
Montana Fisburne is back in the news, and not just for her desire to use porn movies to become a serious actor a la her father, Laurence Fishburne.
Now it seems that the 19-year-old idiot was arrested last February after ALLEGEDLY beating her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who claims to have suffered "significant injuries" during the rumble.
The LA City Attorney's Office has ALLEGEDLY charged Montana Fishburne with battery, and may add charges of false imprisonment and assault with a deadly weapon.
Wow, maybe she's a Lohan? Did Dina ever hookup with Larry, because Montana and Lindsay sound like twins.
Of course, news of this new arrest comes on the heels of reports that Montana was arrested in 2009 for ALLEGED prostitution. She narrowly escaped a harsh thirty minute jail sentence by going into a work program and two years probation.
Once again, Laurence Fishburne must be so proud.
Montana, of her sex tape, and her father, says: "I hope it's not hurting him. It wasn't done to hurt him. But I think it will take time and talking through the issues. Eventually, I hope he will be proud of me."
Think again dumbass.

American Idol good news.
La Lopez is out before she was actually even in.
Jennifer Lopez has been dropped as a potential judge for the next season of American Idol ALLEGEDLY because her DIVA demands were too much for FOX.
A source, and by source I mean the guy that takes out the trash at FOX, and by trash I mean Montana Fishburne, says:
“Her demands got out of hand. Fox had just had enough.”
Oh, honey, we've all had enough of JLo, even when she had a career to fall back on.
Buh-bye Jen! Don't let the door smack you on your ginormous ass on your way back to the block.

Teri Hatcher is a liar.
At least that's what former employee and friend Jennifer Glassman says, and she's suing Hatcher for it.
Glassman claims that Hatcher convinced her to quit her lucrative PR job to become Vice President of Teri Hatcher's production company, which included 50% of the profits.
Sounds good right? Sounds too good.
See, Jennifer didn't get the in writing and actually signed a BLANK blank contract instead, which gave Hatcher the power to fire her at will, which Hatcher did.
Glassman claims she should never have been terminated because she is, or, er, was, extremely competent. And she says, she was forced to deal with Teri's "mood swings and unusual requests," including scheduling doctors' appointments, party planning, researching vacation arrangements and hiring a dog trainer.
Which is what the VP does, i think. Doesn't Biden do all that for Obama?
Glassman is claiming fraud, intentional deceit, wrongful termination and emotional distress.
Teri Hatcher's spokesman, Brad Cafarelli, called the lawsuit a "ridiculous fabrication. It is unfortunate that the many opportunities Ms. Hatcher afforded the former employee are now being so implausibly twisted and contorted."
Glassman should have known you don't mess with a Desperate Housewife with a face full of botox, because she'll say one thing but her face will say another.

Levi Johnston is dumb.
Really dumb.
He ALLEGEDLY thought he should follow Sandra Bullock all around at the Teen Choice Awards last weekend, because he might, um, have a shot with her.
Levi Johnston and Sandra Bullock.
It would be laughable if he wasn't such a fame whore. Levi? Better shot for you would be Montana Fishburne, or Lindsay....hell, give Dina a call, she could use the press.
A source, and by source I mean one of the valets who parked Levi's Dodge Dart, says: "All night long Levi was trying to get close to Sandra. He desperately wanted to get his picture taken with Sandra hoping it would show up on the cover of a magazine or at least be able to meet her in person and give America's sweetheart his phone number. Sandra was having none of it, telling everyone, 'get him away from me.'"
Actually, get him away from all of us.
Times up Levi.

Filed under Good News:
Although he passed away in 2005, Johnny Carson's charitable foundation is still working and giving away money.
Recently $156 million was transferred from the Carson estate to the John W. Carson Foundation, which donates to environmental groups, AIDS charities, schools, children’s aid organizations, and not-for-profits in his home state of Nebraska.
Carson never did much to publicize his good deeds when he was alive, and apparently the foundation feels the same now.
Still, it's nice to see a celebrity doing good work long after they're gone.

Apparently Charlie Sheen has a fake ID.
Apparently Charlie Sheen thinks he's a teen-aged boy.
In fact, Sheen actually gave the fake ID, which he carried in his wallet, to police when he was arrested after the Christmas Day incident with his wife Brooke Mueller.
Sheen ALLEGEDLY told the cop:
"It's fake, I had it made from someone on the set after I lost the real one."
The cop confiscated the license, but Charlie won't be charged for possessing the fake California ID even though it's illegal.
Um, Charlie, if you step away from the crack pipe and the knife drawer long enough, you;ll realize that if you lose your license, you can get a new one. Heck, being such a big star and drug addicted wife beater, you might get to move to the front of the line.

Ya'll remember when Caroline Giuliani was arrested for shoplifting at Sephora?
I mean, she only stole about $150 in make up, so it wasnt like a Lindsay Lohan crime spree.
Well, originally Sephora declined to press charges, but now they are feeling the pressure from the public who feel like celebrities', politicians, and their children, get a free ride to commit crimes and not suffer the consequences.
So they are moving forward.
And don't think Manhattan will go all Lohan soft on Giuliani. Some 99% of all 11,022 petty larceny arrests in Manhattan last year were prosecuted.
See you in court, hon.

It must have been about five minutes or so that Kelsey Grammer announced that he was divorcing his third, or fourth, wife, and now comes news that his new girlfriend is ALLEGEDLY pregnant.
At least that's what the baby mama's daddy is telling people.
The father of Kayte Walsh, Grammer's new squeeze, has confirmed to the British tabloids that his child is with child; Grammer's child.
Alan Walsh says: "It's great news and we are very pleased for them both. I don't know how long they have been together and I have not met him yet, but I'm looking forward to it. We just found out about her pregnancy a couple of days ago. I think they met in New York socially because she works for Virgin Airways and often stops over in America. The main thing is for them both to be happy and they are – they have just hit it off together."
Now Grammer is ALLEGEDLY pushing for a quickie divorce now that he's impregnated his girlfriend. Grammer wants to finalize the divorce before making any pregnancy announcement.
Um, too late Kelsey.
It was just five weeks ago that Camille Donatacci Grammer, the third Missus Grammer, announced the marriage was over. At the time Grammer denied he was seeing someone else, Twitter-ing: "Certainly, the time will come when I do see another woman."
See 'em, and knock 'em up.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

Y'all know I'm Team Streep, right? Right?
Well, I am, and this bit of news sounds wonderful.
Apparently Tina Fey has written a new script called Mommy and Me, and Meryl will be playing Tina's mother.
And Stanley Tucci will direct.
Tucci.
Fey.
Streep.
I'm in.
Are you? Well? Are you?

Oh dear, Mama Grizzly Bore must be fit to be tied. Seriously, someone tie her up.
The National Enquirer--I know! But they broke that John Edwards story--is reporting that Bristol Palin's baby daddy, Levi Johnston might just be a baby daddy again. But before you get your abstinence lovin' panties in a twist, the baby momma isn't Bristol.
Nope, Levi tagged his johnston into another girl while he and Grizzly Bore's daughter were, ahem, on a break, and the new baby momma is Levi's former girlfriend, Lanesia Garcia.
What a musical sounding name for such a stupid, stupid girl.
Still, sources--and by sources I mean the Grizzly Bore's Flying Monkeys--say that the baby daddy could be one of Lanesia's ex-boyfriends.
Sheesh. What a web of teen screwing and bodily fluid exchanges. But, Bristol, and The Bore no doubt, are livid about the news. Another source, and this one is the dry cleaner who takes in Lanesia's delicates, I think, says: "[Bristol] just found out about Lanesia's pregnancy and is freaking out. [Levi] told her that getting back with Lanesia wasn't serious--it was brief, just a fling and ended months ago. But Bristol is questioning the engagement. She's really jealous. Lanesia's planning to do a paternity test after the baby is born. She's extremely embarrassed she doesn't know who the father is." Yeah.
That is embarrassing.

From the American Idol Newsroom:
Courtney Love is in talks to replace Simon Cowell on American Idol. So, however, is my mailman, the lady at the deli counter at Kroger, and the drunk guy who lives under the bridge down by the WalMart.
Still, Jessica "Dimbulb" Simpson, Howard "Dear God No" Stern, Bret "I Need More Media Coverage" Michaels, Chris "Snooze" Isaak, Elton "I'd Only Do It If The Money Was REALLY Good And No Illegal Immigrants Could Watch It" John, and Justin "So Gay" Timberlake.
Out of all of them, Courtney, however would be the best because you'd never know if you were gonna get crazy Courtney or sane Courtney.

And this just in from the Idol Hotline:

Ellen is gone.

Ellen DeGeneres is leaving because she didn't like judging and being harsh. And probably because that awful Nigel Lythgoe is coming on board. I don't blame her a bit; Idol is like the Titanic: it's going down and there isn't any great jewelry to be found.

And, as if that's not bad enough, Kara DioGuardi has reportedly been fired so she'll go back to being a nobody. That leaves us the dawg, Randy Jackson.

So? Randy, Courtney and Elton? Randy, Simpson and Isaak?

Nope. The money seems to be on Randy, Jennifer Lopez, and Steven Tyler.

I'm done. I can take Randy, but JNo? No. Not someone with an ego as big as her ass. Plus you just know she'd wanna sing a couple of times during the season, hell, each episode, and then beg to have her husband, Skeletor, sing, too.

And Steven Tyler? Before, during or after rehab?

This has trainwreck written all over it and not the good kind of trainwreck, you know, where no one dies and there's free cheese on the ground.

I like Leonardo DiCaprio. He's talented, compassionate, cute, and smart. He drives a Prius. But, it's the smart part I'm lovin' right about now.

See, Leo was supposed to be in the next Mel Gibson disaster, er, movie, and he decided that it was better to go all Nancy Reagan and Just Say No.

Leo was set to star in MELtdown's next ::::yawn:::: epic, a viking picture, but decided he doesn't need the kind of exposure one gets from being around Gibson. You know, death threats and such.

Smart move, Leo.

But I pray Mel doesn't have your cell phone number because I'd hate to see the messages he'd be leaving you.

Oh Dear God.

Is this how you get an acting career these days? Especially when your father is Laurence Fishburne?

It seems that Fishburne's nineteen-year-old daughter wants to be a star, but doesn't want to have to, you know, take classes and audition and stuff to get there. She wants stardom and she wants it now, so she's come up with the perfect solution.

Sex.Tape.

Montana Fishburne is ALLEGEDLY releasing a sex tape through Vivid Entertainment and proudly says: "I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape."

Yeah, Montana, that's the ticket.

Why don't you just whore yourself out to Mel Gibson? I hear he's looking for someone to start in a new viking movie.

Oh Duchess. Your money problems know no end.

Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is ALLEGEDLY in debt to her personal trainer to the tune of £65,000, but that's nothing new to her. The original Fergie spends money faster than she doesn't earn it.

Seems she used to order her staff--and why does she still have staff?--to fix elaborate feasts for her and her two Princesses, and wash them down with champagne and vodka.

Champagne, Fergie? You're on a beer budget, or you should be.

But she does have a knight in shining armor; her ex-husband Prince Andrew. Andy is said to be highly embarrassed over Fergie's addiction to spending money she does not have, but he is ALLEGEDLY willing to pay off her debts.....to the butcher, the dry cleaner, the newspaper agent and the car rental facility. Sadly, though, he won't be touching her American debts....to McDonald's and Pizza Hut and JC Penneys.

A source, and by source I mean one of those guys in the furry hats who guard the castle--says: "The Duke is not touching her debts in America but his people are going to sit down and itemise every debt here and pay them off one by one. The total comes to around £1.5million."

Lucky gal, she really did marry--and divorce--a Prince.

Lindsay News!!!

She apparently thinks jail is like rehab. It's just like the Four Seasons with bars...though not the kinds of bars that one stumbles out of at 4 AM, but the kinds of bars they put on windows.

Lindsay is ALLEGEDLY quite the slammer diva and has all sorts of demands while incarcerated for being a drug addict, car thief, alcoholic, kidnapper. and probation violator.

A released inmate--who was paid in vodka and prescription drugs--says: "The other day Lindsay was freaking out because she wanted another blanket. She kept yelling out, 'Hello! I asked for a blanket like two hours ago! I'm getting sick!' It went on for hours."

And another visitor to the jail says: "My sister told me that Lindsay was complaining about not having any bottled water to drink, and saying that unpurified water makes her sick. But this isn't some fancy hotel. If inmates want water, they drink good old Los Angeles tap water. Then she was demanding someone bring her a fan. She said she was going to pass out. Of course she didn't get it — or the water."

Poor Lindsay. Jail isn't rehab. It's JAIL.

This is funny.

Cameron Diaz was recently asked, at the London premiere of her disastrously awful movie with Tom Cruise, Knight and Day, if she wanted to perform onstage in London's West End and she apparently became apoplectic.

She said she'd never do stage because she has stage fright and because, she says: "I am a film actress. I do movies. I have never done theatre before."

Plus, there is that whole thing about being able to act, and not have to rely on take after take after take to get the scene right. And that whole, they don't pay in cocaine for theater work.

Just sayin'.

American Idol Is A Wingnut Magnet

How else do you explain hordes of people who cannot sing appearing during the audition segments of the once -popular, once-semi-relevant show? And how else do you explain the people who cannot sing and appear during the audition segments of the once -popular, once-semi-relevant show turning around and suing the show because they looked foolish?

Case in point: one ginormous Idol reject Ian Bernardo, who auditioned back in 2007, and was subsequently invited on the Farewell Simon season finale as one of the "freaks" who had auditioned for Simon over the years, and is now suing American Idol producers for some $300 million, claiming "workplace" discrimination.

Bernardo claims he was asked to appear on the Idol finale along with a few other memorable "freaks" as part of Dane Cook's not-so-comedic farewell to Simon Cowell. Needing another moment in the spotlight, Bernardo grabbed the microphone from Cook, proclaimed a "Kanye moment" and rambled incoherently for a few seconds about how he was replacing Cowell before show producers cut to commercial.

In the complaint, Bernardo says the Idol producers "exploited my non-conforming appearance and sexual orientation. They did this by directing me to 'gay it up' in any appearance I made on camera [at the finale, and]....although characterized as an 'audition' to the public at large, in fact, I was and was paid as an employee of respondents for each appearance."

See, Ian Bernardo thinks that because he was hired to appear on the finale show, because he was such a memorable no-talent-loser, that makes him an employee of American Idol, thereby making his complaint one of workplace discrimination.

His complaint also says other Idol employees used anti-gay slurs and that the show--which he calls the "workplace" in an effort to make it sound like he was an employee and not merely a badly trained seal--"was permeated with discriminatory intimidation, ridicule, insults and hostile and offensive comments that were so severe as to alter my working conditions."

Uh huh.

Someone is trying to stretch their fifteen minutes of infamy into a half-hour. Someone with nothing but no-talent to stand on.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Seriously. He doesn't die easy.
And now Bruce Willis has entered the cologne contest--unbeknownst to him ALLEGEDLY--and created his own, er, scent, which I think would smell a little like a bar mat after an especially raucous Friday night.
But LR Health & Beauty Systems, a German beauty company, thinks men want to smell like Willis, and has released a collection of colognes in honor of the actor.
“I personally feel that the new Bruce Willis fragrance is the manliest scent in the world,” Tilo Plöger, COO of the company, said of the product, which contains hints of grapefruit, pepper, and vetiver.
Grapefruit? Pepper? And WTF is vetiver?
And why would anyone think I'd wanna smell like that?
The "Willis Collection" includes hair and body wash; deodorant; aftershave balm; and eau de parfum. And the product's tagline?

Smart Guys Live Forever.
This is the same actor whose most recent films were Surrogates and Cop Out, so it's unclear if the motto is referring to Willis himself.

I tend to think not.

It worked for Paris Hilton, and, well, if you're Lindsay Lohan, who else but Paris would you look to for life advice?
It seems that Lindsanity is already looking toward the future; you know, those days after her stint in jail, and her stint in rehab....AGAIN! She is ALLEGEDLY shopping, er, whoring herself out, for a post-prison interview, and she'll sell her sad story of being abused by the legal system, and that she doesn't do drugs, and that she works with children, to the highest bidder.
I have already offers $1.23 for the interview. Fingers crossed, I'm still waiting to hear.
The bad news, for me anyway, is that Lindsay will ALLEGEDLY accept not one penny less than a million bucks in cash.
Or crack.
Or booze.
But, working against Lindsay, like the fact that she's a serial drug abuser, alcoholic, and pathological liar, is that most reputable news sources, and I'm not talkin' 'bout you FOX, won't pay for interviews, so Lindsay might just shop her story overseas.
But, and this is where it gets wacky, er, wackier, is that Lindsay might offer up some of her prison poetry, and some home movies, that the networks would have to pay licensing fees to use, and then Lindsay would get her money.
Or crack.
Or booze.

Ah, remember when Mel Gibson was every girl's, and every gay boy's dreamboat?
Now, he's just a douchebag.
Having vociferously, and vehemently denied for over a week that he never punched girlfriend and baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, in the face, new evidence has been uncovered that he may well have done just that.
A new audio recording--seriously Mel, you need to stop talking--has surfaced in which Mel admits to smacking Oksana, and he even says she "deserved" it.
On the recording, Oksana is heard asking Mel, “What kind of a man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face? What kind of a man is that?”
To which Mel, ever the righteous religious father of eight--seven with a wife, and one with a mistress--says: “You know what — you fucking deserved it.”
Now comes word that Mel Gibson is being investigated for domestic abuse.
Maybe he and Lindsay can have adjoining cells.

Has-been TV "actor", Jaleel White, who played somebody called Urkel on a show I'd never heard of, Family Matters, is under investigation for allegedly hitting his baby mama.
The mama in question, Briget Hardy, claims that while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago, White punched her in one of her breast implants, and that when they got home he slapped her and pushed her into a toilet so hard that the tank broke.
Hardy filed a report with the LAPD, but says she suffered no injuries, except for the damaged loo.
A rep for White--and am I the only one who finds it odd that out-of-work actors have "reps"--said: "There was absolutely no battery … no abuse … and the incident never happened. This is just a ploy in an ongoing custody battle over their young daughter to tarnish his name."
Lovely parents indeed.
Him, if he hit her.
And her, if she's lying just to get custody.
And folks, we all know that kids are better off with straight parents only.

Meanwhile, back at Lindsanity:
You all saw the picture--and it could have been photo-shopped, although Lindsay is just that emotionally stumped top pull such a trick--where she had painted the words fuck u on her fingernail before her probation hearing.
Well some say she might just pay for it.
NYC Public Defender Stacy Schneider--out for her own fifteen minutes of fame--says that if Lohan's message was aimed at the court, "it would be a separate charge for contempt...[and]...she could have an entire extra sentence heaped on top of her current one. If the judge were angry enough, it could run even consecutively.
LA Public Defender Greg Apt--not wanting to be left out of the spotlight either--adds: "The judge could hold her in direct contempt, which could be between three to five days in jail for vulgarity."
It makes one wonder about the professionalism of Lohan's team of lawyers, and how they could possibly have missed Lindsay latest bout of infantile behavior.
No wonder her attorney, who uttered the immortal line that Lindsay was treated unfairly by the courts, has resigned as her attorney.

Filed under: Comes as No Surprise:
The American Idol Tour sucks. Big time.
After a year of record low--for them--ratings, and the news of Simon Cowell jumping ship for his own talent show, comes news that the American idol Tour is cancelling shows left and right because no one wants to see them.
Organizers behind the Idol Live! tour are wrapping up the show sooner than expected, and have cancelled eight concerts. Rather than end their tour on September 16th in Portland, Maine, as planned, the tour will now take a two-week break, and then have the final show in Indianapolis.
i blame Lee DeWyze.
And Lindsay Lohan....just because.