The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Barry Blitt, Nick Anderson, Jack Ohman, Tim Campbell, Matt Davies, Ann Telnaes, Michael de Adder, Dennis Goris, Bill Day,  Steve Cousineau, Ted Littleford

Bobservations

This Tuxedo memory—from February 2019—also doubles as a Tales of Carlos Post:

In our house we have four pets … MaxGoldberg, Tuxedo, Consuelo Roca-Jones, and the dog, Ozzo.

As happens with pets, they tend to bond with one of us slightly more than the other. Ozzo is clearly more attached to Carlos, though he loves to sit with me in the office while I play on the computer. MaxGoldberg, though, likes us equally, and will run back and forth between our laps, never quite sure who he wants to sit with for long.

Now, Tuxedo is mine; he bonded with me first and he’s always been ‘my boy.’ And Carlos sometimes gets jealous of how Tuxedo comes when I call him, and how Tuxedo follows me around the house, and how Tuxedo will sleep on top of me.

Cut to the other night when I walked in the living room and found Tuxedo curled up in Carlos’ lap, fast asleep. Carlos bragged:

“I think he likes me better now.”

I took a seat …

“Don’t bet on it.”

The second my ass hit the chair, Tuxedo was up and walking across  the side table to curl up in my lap and fall asleep. Carlos muttered …

“Stupid cat.”

“Honey, you were just a place card until his real daddy came into the room.”

“Stupid cat.”

It’s gonna get ugly when Carlos finds out that Consuelo, who hates to be held, has been sitting with me at night, sleeping in my lap.

PS Consuelo, never a fan of being held, still sits in my lap on occasion, but shakes her head at Carlos and walks away!

Failed criminal Congressman, and failed drag queen, George Santos, AKA Kitara Ravache, pleaded guilty to wire fraud and aggravated identity theft.

He cried outside as he faux-pologized, possibly because he faces more than six years in prison and owes at least $370,000 in restitution. He’s just a low-rent, back-alley version of The Felon, and a typical ReTHUGlican.

It’s official, the Greatest love Story Never Told is over … on the second anniversary of their marriage JLo filed for divorce from Ben Affleck. Lovely that she chose their wedding anniversary to signal the end of the marriage, but nothing new because last week, on Affleck’s birthday, she posted pictures of the birthday party she threw herself last month.

In Jello’s world it’s all about Jello.

PS Carlos has always called JLo ‘Jello,’ and it always gives me the giggles.

I can smell the desperation from here … independent presidential candidate loon Robert F. Kennedy Jr. wanted to meet with Democratic nominee Kamala Harris to discuss the possibility of serving in her administration if he throws his support behind her campaign and she wins.

Harris was a hard pass.

This meeting came on the heels of independent presidential candidate loon Robert F. Kennedy Jr. meeting with thrice-married adulterer, racist, rapist, con artist, traitor, The Felon, to discuss the possibility of serving in his administration if he throws his support behind The Felon’s campaign and he wins.

Seriously. Loon.

I could be wrong but this clearly looks like someone wants cakes for lunch and I really cannot blame him.

A new poll suggests The Felon’s vice-presidential nominee JD Vance is less popular than ... wait for it ... Sarah Palin. Yup, according to FiveThirtyEight's polling tracker, Vance's net favorability/unfavorability rating has dropped from -3 points in July to -9.5 points today; 33.2 % of voters hold a favorable opinion of Vance AKA Sofa Loren while 44.2% hold an unfavorable opinion.

Sarah Palin, on the other hand, peaked +21 favorability in August 2008 before plummeting by 23% … still higher that JD.

I guess he can’t see the White House from his house.

The crowd at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago broke into loud chants of “lock him up” after former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton assailed The Felon and his legal woes. It was a new spin on “lock her up” that The Felon endorsed while running against Clinton in 2016.

Clinton did not respond to the chants and tried talking over the crowd but as the commotion gathered strength, she stood at the podium silently, smiling and nodding until the audience quieted down.

Fact: Hillary has done nothing wrong, been convicted of nothing, so locking her up is sort of an idiotic thing to say while The Felon on the other hand …

Lock him up.

Marc Buckner is a South African Instagram star best known for his modeling content and also appeared on The Bachelor South Africa but the real deal is: Would You Hit It? 

Bobservations

The other day Carlos asked if I could help him download some sheet music on the computer after work, so at the end of the day I gave him a call:

“I can help you with your little project, Mr. Harris.”

“Why are you calling me?”

“To help you with the sheet music!”

“I am in the other room.”

“And?”

I.Kill.Me.

This Tuxedo memory is from January 2019 …

"The other night, while watching the telly, Tuxedo climbed into my lap, curled up and fell asleep. Ozzo walked over to Carlos, who tried to get Ozzo into his lap, but Ozzo knows who’s the boss, and when he looked at me for permission, I said:

“No.”

“It’s unfair. The cats can get on all the furniture, but Ozzo can’t.”

“The cats have retractable claws. Ozzo doesn’t and he can ruin the furniture.”

“But Tuxedo is in your lap, why can’t Ozzo sit in mine.”

“Because there are different rules for dogs and cats in this house, just like there are different rules for white people and Mexicans.”

Ouch. Lucky for me, he laughed ... and then started building a wall."

The good news is, that while I have a vile sense of humor, Carlos gets it, and he loves it.

Christopher Meloni standing there, perhaps buck nekkid, and holding that weight is … is … I don’t know what it is but I love looking at it.

Several prominent Democratic figures are set to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago this month … from President Joe Biden, former presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

President Jimmy Carter’s grandson Jason Carter is also confirmed to be speaking as a representative for his grandfather who recently said he wants to live long enough to vote for Kamala Harris.

I saw this on Facebook this morning, with the question: Well, he certainly has a type, doesn’t he?

Apparently Joaquin Phoenix was all set to star in an NC-17 gay romance film that he  created and championed and was set to be directed by the acclaimed Todd Haynes until this week when he abruptly dropped out.

No word from Phoenix but the rumor is he became a’scurred of playing gay in some of the more explicit scenes in the film—which, again, he endorsed—but maybe someone else could step into the role …

Cue Anthony Bowens, an out professional wrestler, responded to a post from actor and filmmaker Kit Williamson who posted:

“What this really proves is that studios are ONLY comfortable making high budget ‘gay movies’ if there’s a straight lead. Even in a Todd Haynes movie. Even if it means losing 7 figures. They’re not interested in recasting, [because] a gay actor, to them, can never be a ‘star.'”

And now Bowen has tossed his, um, hat, into the ring and all I can say is, I’d see Bowen in the film before shelling out my hard-earned coins for a “gay” Joaquin.

Olympic women's boxing champion Imane Khelif certainly endured more punishment outside the ring than inside as right-wing trolls launched a barrage of lies about her gender and gender identity so now Khelif has brought a criminal complaint against some high-profile individuals, including transphobic bigots and morons like  J.K. Rowling and Elon Musk.

Rowling and Mush have both been named in a criminal complaint filed to French authorities over alleged 'acts of aggravated cyber harassment' against Khelif. Her lawyer, Nabil Boudi, filed a legal complaint with a special unit in the Paris prosecutor's office that combats online hate speech.

Good. You can have your hate thought, and your lies, but when you spread it around there can be consequences.

Listen, if celebrities want to get plastic surgery to keep their career going or feed their ego I am not one to complain, BUT … why do they all start looking like Asian women?

Coen Koch is a model and a personal trainer from Amsterdam,  and an all-around hot nugget but that’s just me … Would You Hit It?

The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Bruce MacKinnon, Rick McKee, Drew Sheneman, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Steve Breen, Mike Smith, RJ Matson, John Cole, Steve Benson, Bill Day, Clay Bennett

I Didn't Say It ...Women Speaking Truth To Power

Hillary Clinton, speaking at the DNC, urging Democrats to vote:

“I know something about the slings and arrows [Kamala will] face. And believe me, this former district attorney and attorney general can handle them all. For four years, people have said to me, ‘I didn’t realize how dangerous he was.’ ‘I wish I could go back and do it over.’ Or worse, ‘I should have voted.’ Well, this can’t be another woulda coulda shoulda election. Don’t forget: Joe and Kamala can win by 3 million votes and still lose. Take it from me. We need numbers overwhelming, so _____ can’t sneak or steal his way to victory.”

I don’t care if the day of the election polls say Biden has a 95% chance of winning, I will cast a goddamned vote.

I want no doubt left in the traitor’s mind that America is through with him.

photo

Gabby Giffords, former Congresswoman who was a victim of an assassination attempt in 2011, speaking at the DNC about her recovery:

“I've known the darkest of days. Days of pain and uncertain recovery. But confronted by despair, I've summoned hope. Confronted by paralysis and aphasia, I responded with grit and determination. I put one foot in front of the other. I've found one word and then I've found another. But I have not lost my voice,. America needs all of us to speak out even when you have to fight to find the words."

The word is Vote. Vote Blue. Vote Biden-Harris.

photo

Michelle Obama, at the DNC:

“Let me be as honest and clear as I possibly can. Donald _____ is the wrong president for our country. He has had more than enough time to prove he can do the job, but he is clearly in over his head. He simply cannot be who we need him to be. It is what it is.”

He’s asking us to vote for him because he, claims, he fixed the economy once and can do it again. But the numbers of unemployed, the numbers of those evicted, the numbers of businesses closing, are ALL directly related to his bumbling pandemic response.

photo

Kamala Harris, accepting the Democratic Party's historic nomination of her the first Black and first Indian American woman to be nominated as vice president by a major party:

"We have a chance to change the course of history. We're all in this fight... What an awesome responsibility. What an awesome privilege. We’re at an inflection point. The constant chaos leaves (us) adrift. The incompetence makes us feel afraid. The callousness makes us feel alone. It’s a lot. Here’s the thing. We can do better and deserve so much more. We must elect a president who will bring something different, something better, and do the important work. A president who will bring all of us together—Black, white, Latino, Asian, indigenous—to achieve the future we collectively want. Let’s be clear—there is no vaccine for racism. We’ve gotta do the work. We must elect Joe Biden."

But you can ease the racism, by removing the Racist-In-Chief.

photo

Nancy Pelosi, House Speaker, at the DNC:

“As Speaker of the House, it is my honor to bring you the greetings of the Democrats of the House—the most diverse majority in history: more than 60 percent women, people of color, and LGBTQ. This month, as America marks the centennial of women finally winning the right to vote, we do so with 105 women in the House of Representatives. Proudly, 90 are Democrats. To win the vote, for three quarters of a century, women marched and fought and never gave in. We stand on their shoulders—charged with carrying forward the unfinished work of our nation advanced by heroes from Seneca Falls, to Selma, to Stonewall. … As Speaker, I've seen firsthand Donald _____'s disrespect for facts, for working families, and for women in particular—disrespect written into his policies toward our health and our rights, not just his conduct. But we know what he doesn't: that when women succeed, America succeeds. And so, we are unleashing the full power of women to take their rightful place in every part of our national life. [But] who is standing in the way? Mitch McConnell and Donald _____. So here is our answer: we will see them in November. We will elect President Biden—whose heart is full of love for America—and rid the country of _____'s heartless disregard for America's goodness.”

You may not like Biden’s stance on certain issues, you may not agree with him, but you must acknowledge that he will not demonize people, demean people, name-call people. It’s time for decency in the White House again.

photo

Kristin Urquiza, speaking at the DNC about her father, who died in June of COVID-19, and blaming _____for his death:

“He had faith in Donald _____. He voted for him, listened to him, believed him and his mouthpieces when they said that coronavirus was under control and going to disappear, that it was okay to end social distancing roles before it was safe. A few weeks later, he was put on a ventilator. And after five agonizing days, he died alone in the ICU, with a nurse holding his hand. My dad was a healthy 65-year-old. His only preexisting condition was trusting Donald _____, and for that he paid with his life. The coronavirus has made clear that there are two Americas: the America that Donald ­­­­_____ lives in and the America that my father died in. One of the last things that my father said to me was that he felt betrayed by the likes of Donald _____. And so, when I cast my vote for Joe Biden. I will do it for my dad.”

So sad that her dad listened to bumbling ineptitude, but he did, and so the fault lies, yes, with the father, but also _____ and his ilk who spread lies and misinformation about the virus, about reopening, about masks.

Donald _____ killed all those people.

photo

Jill Biden, our next First Lady, giving a personal and emotional speech at the DNC, recalling the personal losses that her husband experienced in 1972, when his wife and daughter were killed in a car crash, and in 2015, when their son Beau died of brain cancer:

"How do you make a broken family whole? The same way you make a nation whole," she said. "With love and understanding—and with small acts of kindness. With bravery. With unwavering faith. You show up for each other, in big ways and small ones, again and again. It's what so many of you are doing right now for your loved ones, for complete strangers, for your communities. There are those that want to tell us that our country is hopelessly divided, that our differences are irreconcilable. But that's not what I've seen over these past few months. The burdens we carried are heavy. And we need someone with strong shoulders. I know that if we entrust this nation to Joe, he will do for your family what he did for ours: Bring us together and make us whole. Carry us forward in our time of need. Keep the promise of America for all of us."

I am so tired of a president who treats people the way he does, who lies the instant his lips part, who despises women who speak up, who has erased the LGBTQ+ community from the White House, who put kids in cages, called Mexicans murderers and Muslims terrorists.

It’s time to end this nightmare and I hope, the day after the election, every single effing newspaper in this country bears the headline:

America to Donald _____: You’re fired!

Let’s do this.

photo