The Funny Papers

Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, Ted Littleford, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Nick Anderson, Joe Dator, Matt Wuerker, Deb Milbrath, Michael Ramirez, Michael de Adder, Lalo Alcaraz, Dennis Goris,

I Didn't Say It ...

Jim Acosta, longtime CNN anchor, giving his final thoughts after the “news” network opted to move his show to the dead of night:

“You may have seen some reports about me and the show, and after giving all of this some careful consideration and weighing in alternative timeslots CNN offered me, I’ve decided to move on. I am grateful to CNN for the nearly 18 years I’ve spent here doing the news. People often ask me if the highlight of my career at CNN was at the White House covering [The Felon]. Actually, no. That moment came … when I covered former President Barack Obama’s trip to Cuba in 2016 and had the chance to question the dictator there, Raul Castro, about the island’s political prisoners. As the son of a Cuban refugee, I took home this lesson: It is never a good time to bow down to a tyrant. I have always believed it’s the job of the press to hold power to account. I’ve always tried to do that here at CNN, and I plan on doing all of that in the future. One final message. Don’t give in to the lies. Don’t give in to the fear. Hold on to the truth and to hope. Even if you have to get out your phone, record that message. I will not give in to the lies. I will not give in to the fear! Post it on your social media so people can hear from you, too. I’ll have more to say about my plans in the coming days. But until then, I want to thank all of you for tuning in. It has been an honor to be welcomed into your home for all these years. That’s the news. Reporting from Washington, I’m Jim Acosta.”

This is what CNN did to one of its few credible journalists to appease the Nazi in the White House. When the press falls, are we far behind?

Stand up; speak up; resist.

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Caroline Kennedy, to US Senators, calling RFK Jr.  a "predator" who cannot be trusted to serve as Health Secretary.

"Dear senators, throughout the past year people have asked for my thoughts on my cousin Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his presidential campaign. I did not comment, not only because I was serving in a government position as United States Ambassador to Australia but because I have never wanted to speak publicly about my family members and their challengers. Now that Bobby has been nominated by [The Felon] to be secretary of Health and Human Services, a position that would put him in charge of the health of the American people, I feel an obligation to speak out. I have known Bobby my whole life. We grew up together. It’s no surprise that he keeps birds of prey as pets because he himself is a predator. I watched his younger brothers and cousins follow him down the path of drug addiction. His basement, his garage, his dorm room were always the center of the action where drugs were available and he enjoyed showing off how he put baby chickens and mice in a blender to feed to his hawks. It was often a perverse scene of despair and violence. He’s always been charismatic, able to attract others through the strength of his personality, his willingness to take risks and break the rules. While he may encourage a younger generation to attend AA meetings, Bobby is addicted to attention and power. Bobby preys on the desperation of parents of sick children, vaccinating his own kids while building a following hypocritically discouraging other parents from vaccinating theirs. It also wasn’t easy to remain silent last year when Bobby expropriated my father’s image and distracted President Kennedy’s legacy to advance his own failed presidential campaign and then grovel to Donald Trump for a job. Bobby continues to grandstand off my father’s assassination and that of his own father. It’s incomprehensible to me that someone who is willing to exploit their own painful family tragedies for publicity would be put in charge of America’s life and death situations.”

I had wondered why she didn’t speak up earlier, and now we know, though I hope it’s not too late to keep this dangerously stupid man out of public office.

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Andrzej Stękała, Polish ski jumper, coming out through a moving tribute to his partner of eight years, Damian, who passed away in November.:

"I wondered for a long time if I would ever find the strength to write these words. For years, I lived in the shadow of fear, in hiding, afraid that who I really am could destroy me. Today, however, I don't want to run away anymore. I want you to really know me. I'm gay. For years, I hid it from the world—from you, from the media, and sometimes even from myself. [But Damian] changed my life. He was my mainstay, support, my biggest supporter. Together we shared life, passions, joys and difficult moments. He was everything to me—my home, my heart. We made love in silence, hiding our love from the world to protect what was most important to us. I can't describe the pain that overwhelmed me [when Damian died.] The world we were building together fell to pieces. Every day without him is a struggle, but at the same time a reminder of how infinitely I loved and how much I was loved. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am myself—a man who loved and still loves. And I know that he would like me to continue to live in harmony with myself. Until the end of my days, I will carry his name in my heart."

So sad he couldn’t be himself, and show himself to the world, while his love was still alive.

But perhaps he will have a second chance.

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Jamie Raskin, Maryland Democratic Congressman, giving an epic takedown of The Felon's lawless mass pardon of violent January 6th insurrectionists:

"The chairman began by saying that the point here is to restore the rule of law ... restore the rule of law ... Can you even pretend to do that if you stand by and support [The Felon] who on day one—as the chairman of the committee just said—day one of his presidency, pardoned fifteen hundred insurrectionists including hundreds of people who violently assaulted and attacked American police officers? Let's just take one person who is free today, Julian Khater, who had been convicted after having every due process protection, the right to counsel, the right to cross-examine witnesses, the right to introduce evidence, but they had him completely. They knew exactly what happened. Most of this was videotaped so the whole world could see it. Well, Julian Khater repeatedly violently assaulted our officer protecting us in Congress, Officer Brian Sicknick, who then proceeded to have several strokes and died on January the 7th, 2021, the next day. The family of Officer Sicknick is absolutely devastated and demolished by what's just happened. I invite any of my colleagues, including the members new to this committee who maybe weren't here on January 6th and didn't experience the trauma of that violent insurrection when we saw a mob marauding through here yelling 'Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!' and looking to assassinate Nancy Pelosi. And now you have the temerity to come forward and say this is about public safety? How much safer are we now with these fifteen hundred criminals at large in Washington D.C. and going out into the country? Are you vouching that these people are not going to be attacking any other police officers? Are you vouching that they're no longer a threat to public safety? What an outrage! What a scandal!"

The truth is that there is no defending Trump's pardons on anything other than purely partisan grounds. He released these criminals because they support him. He doesn't care that they attacked police officers. He doesn't care that they might do it again. All that matters is that they're in his MAGA cult.

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Bowen Yang, out SNL cast member, on auditioning for the show and not being pigeonholed by his identity:

“The fact that there hadn’t been an East Asian person who couldn’t pass as anyone else and be on camera here, that scared the shit out of me. But I think that attitude served me well coming in ‘cause I’m like, ‘I’m never gonna get this, so fuck it. I’m just gonna do what I want.’ I think that’s the right thing to come in here with, just to feel some liberated sense of ‘This is who I am. Take it or leave it, like, literally take it or leave it.’ My point of view will be maybe that of an Asian person or that of a queer person, but also there are just as many things outside of that that have nothing to do with those things. There would be conversations I would have with writers who I felt like were maybe pigeonholing certain things about me, and thankfully that was never met with any toxicity or pushback. It was always, ‘Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry that happened. It won’t happen again.’ What I think has been a nice turning point is being able to joke about those things in a meta way. That’s been the nice 360, full circle thing on it where, after an earned amount of time, I’ve been able to sort of expand that scope a bit.”

It's funny how times change … a decade ago Yang might have been seen only as “the gay one” or “the Asian one,” and yet now he’s seen as one of the funny ones.

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Tim Kaine, Democrat Senator from Virginia, speaking to the Senate about a grifter in the White House:

“The president has no authority to make that offer. There’s no budget line item to pay people who are not showing up for work. This is a guy who made this promise to contractors again and again and again when he was a private business guy. ‘Oh, come work for me on my casino.’ ‘Come work for me in a hotel.’ ‘We’re going to do a handshake. We’re going to do a contract.’ The contractor does the work and then finds out they get stiffed. So my message to federal employees who receive this is, yeah, the president has tried to terrorize you for about a week and then gives you a little sweetheart offer: ‘If you resign in the next week, we’re just going to pay you for doing nothing for the next seven months.’ Don’t be fooled. He’s tricked hundreds of people with that offer. If you accept that offer and resign, he’ll stiff you just like he stiffed the contractors. He doesn’t have any authority to do this. Do not be fooled by this guy. You were here before he was here, and you’ll be here after he was here. Show up for work. Be diligent. Serve Americans every day. Make their life better. Answer their phone call. Give them an answer. Track down their constituent call. Don’t be fooled by a fake offer because he’s terrorized you in the last week, it would be easy to just resign now and get a check for seven months. Because I can tell you, that promise is worth nothing.”

I remember a story of The Felon buying 300 grand pianos for a casino and then refusing to pay the guy who sold him the instruments, The Felon told the guy to sue him and he’d drag him through court for so long that no monetary reward would be enough to pay his legal bills.

Grifter; fucking lying hypocritical traitorous rapist racist grifter.

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Bobservations

By the time you read this, Carlos and I might have decided to go our separate because of his insistence on ….

Wanting.A.Cowboy.Shirt.

Seriously. I can’t with this. I’m already thinking of ways to keep him from leaving the house dressed like a gay Gabby Hayes.

Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani and his wife of 15 years, Judith, are divorcing; Judith filed for a contested divorce which means there will be a fight over the coins.

Giuliani fell for Judith back in 1999 while he was mayor and still married to his second wife, Donna Hanover. The Hanover-Giuliani divorce was a vicious hot mess, hut, to be clear, Donna Hanover had met and begun an affair with Giuliani while he was still married to his first wife, so his cheating couldn’t have been a surprise. Still, you might remember that Giuliani announced his plan to divorce second wife Donna Hanover at a televised press conference held before she had been told herself.

The best part is that Rudy Giuliani had come out strongly against marriage equality when then-Governor David Paterson proposed a same-sex marriage bill.

The second-best part is that Giuliani got an annulment from his first wife—so he could marry his mistress Hanover—claiming he and the first ex-missus Giuliani were cousins,

One man and his cousin, and then his mistress, and then his other mistress and then … ?

Justin Jones, a Libertarian running for an Arkansas House seat, thinks “fags are disgusting.” 

And he clearly is a moron because he expressed that opinion on the Facebook post of Hawaii resident Myah Baeza who was offering sympathy for a gay friend who couldn’t donate blood because of discriminatory laws. And when Baeza saw his response and called him out for his bigotry and homophobia, Justin ‘Dumbass’ Jones replied:

“If you don’t think HIV is created by homosexuality then you need education. That’s the entirety of my post, for someone who wants free speech, you don’t act like it. I shouldn’t have said ‘f–s’ should have said homosexuals. But I won’t apologize of the moral of my comment, homosexuality is wrong, and shouldn’t be publicly endorsed.”

Naturally when his local station in BumFuckEgypt, Arkansas found the story and reported on it, Justin ‘Dumbass’ Jones walked back his ignorance, a little:

“I recently made a comment that was meant to be satire, but had FACTUAL meaning. In the new day of Social Media, we face backlash for every comment we make, which is putting ‘Free Speech’ at a price. The Aids Epidemic is a VERY big part of the LGBTQ Community. To not recognize that would be a ‘Lie’ to yourself and the LGBTQ Community. In this New Day of politics, we are recognizing the benefits of throwing away the old establishment, and how that didn’t work. Today, we are bringing back ‘FREEDOM OF SPEECH,’ and protecting our 2nd amendment rights. That might be too much for some people, but that’s why we’re getting them out of Public Office.”

Meant to be satire? Oh, honey, you don’t know satire. And you also don’t know that HIV/AIDS is on the rise among straight folks, too, especially those in the black community and those in rural areas …. Like Arkansas.

Hope you don’t get elected, you moronic tool.

I just can’t …the other day GMA told the story of the boy who fell into a sewage pipe over the weekend at Griffith Park and was finally rescued after some twelve hours in the ground.

Nothing to see there, except the “News” people called it an Easter miracle.

Really; so, if he’d been rescued on Tuesday it wouldn’t have been a miracle. 

Give me the news and keep your religious leanings out of the story. That would be the real miracle.

Columbus, Indiana, the hometown of Closeted Homosexual, and Current Vice President, Mike Pence is set to hold its first ever gay pride celebration, in a move intended to show the rest of the country that not everyone from Columbus is an anti-gay closeted homosexual.

Poor Mike Pence, The Gays are marching in his own hometown and he can’t be there?

While those on the right seem content with bashing the younger generation because they’ve become politically and socially active and vocal, it appears that the right just might need to tone it down.

See, most younger Americans oppose _____’s agenda and even believe the Fat Bastard to be “racist,” “dishonest,” and “unfit” to be president.

The midterms are coming up and those eighteen-year-olds will be voting. And I’m loving it.

I gave my opinion of the Roseanne reboot yesterday but forgot to mention two of the unfunniest things I’ve ever seen on a TV comedy:

1] Roseanne’s granddaughter calling her a “stupid old hillbilly.”

That’s funny stuff, but then …

B] Roseanne grabs her granddaughter, shoves her face into the sink and sprays her with water.

Funny. Not.

Ryan Murphy has cast legendary star Joan Collins in American Horror Story, and said he is interested in casting Angelica Huston.

Little is known about the upcoming eighth season—Ryan has not yet revealed the theme—but three of the series’ favorite cast members, Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters, will be back.

But, um, Joan Collins? I mean, she was allegedly such a terror back in the day on her last TV show, could this be American Horror Story: Dynasty?

Speaking of _____, his 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale, is calling for Jim Acosta to be stripped of his press credentials after the CNN correspondent questioned the Fat Bastard during the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday.

Parscale seems to think Acosta … wait for it … it’s precious … “yelled at _____” during the event and so Acosta should be suspended for breaking protocol.”

This is what happened:

Acosta: “Should the DACA kids worry?”

The Fat Bastard: “The Democrats have really let them down. They really let them down. It’s a shame. A lot of people have taken advantage of DACA. It’s a shame.”

Acosta: “[But} didn’t you kill DACA?”

The Fat Bastard didn’t respond, because he, in fact, did kill DACA and that’s why Parscale wants him banned.

Seriously. He “yelled” at _____!

A new show appeared this week on ABC and is being pushed as a kind of a new Lost. Now, having loved Lost—don’t judge—I was interested, especially when I noted that Grant Harvey and Ryan McDonnell were on the show.

I could get lost with them.

Just sayin’.

I Didn't Say It ...

Nikos Giannopoulos, the openly gay Teacher of the Year, on his flamboyant fan usage and what _____ said about it:

“The fan was actually my partner’s. He bought it as a souvenir on a trip to Venice, but I found it about five years ago. Since then I’ve integrated in into my day-to-day life. I’m extremely campy and it’s a popular prop of mine. I’ve taken it with me all over the country whenever I go on vacation, so that’s why I had it. ... I have been visibly gay my entire life; I was more feminine than a lot of boys and I carried myself in a non-traditional gender expression. And I got a lot of flak for it. As a boy, I think I internalized that and didn’t embrace that part of me. Now, as an adult, I adjusted to my queer identity. So the fan represents self-acceptance and being unabashedly myself in a society that’s not always ready to accept that. ... Oh, [the president] loved it! I popped it open when I walked into the office because I’m a very sassy person. And [he] complimented it right away. He said, “I love the fan!” And he told me I had great style. Then, when I was ushered in for my private photo with the president and Melania I was told I should put it away. So I just folded it up and held it at my side. But when it came time for the photo, I just asked the president, ‘Do you mind if I use the fan for the photo?’ He said, ‘Absolutely go for it.’ So I popped my fan and did my pose.”

There seemed to be a thought that _____ didn’t know Nikos had the fan and that it was a Resistance moment, so, and yeah, I’m goin’ there, I think it’s kinda cool that _____ was so fun about the fan, and open to it.

He’s still a dick, but that was a Less Dick Move™.

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Jim Acosta, CNN’s White House correspondent, on the no-video, no-audio press briefing Sean Spicer held this week:

“The White House press secretary is getting to a point, where he’s just kind of useless. You know, if he can’t come out and answer the questions and they’re not going to do this on camera or audio…why are we having these briefings or gaggles in the first place?”

Getting to the point? He’s a bully, a whiner, and let us not forget about the time he ducked into the bushes to hide from the press.

But, and there’s always a but, if Acosta thinks Spicer is useless what must he think of Sarah Hucklebrry Sanders?

Sidenote: I’ll take any opportunity to post a quote from Jim Acosta because he is hot.

Just sayin’.

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Sean Spicer, on the press:

“There’s a lot of them that want to become YouTube stars and ask some snarky question that’s been asked eight times. There is a bit of snarkiness now with the press, because, again, a lot of them are more focused about getting their clip on air than they are of actually taking the time to understand an issue.”

Yeah, they wanna become stars so they got themselves jobs as correspondents to the White House? This White House?

Sit down, Sean; Jim was right, you’re useless.

PS Before you say anything about the picture, I know.

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Milan Christopher, openly gay rapper, on his nude spread—emphasis on spread—Paper magazine:

“Well, I just feel like in our culture it’s so taboo for a guy to show their bodies but it’s ok for a woman to do it. I just kinda want to break that. I think I have a nice body and I think it’s art and I just think that it should be celebrated like they celebrate women’s bodies. So you know, I could be a guy and be gay and be black and be artistic and be artistic in a nude fashion shoot in the same way that anybody else could.”

And, since I’ve seen it, I can say, ‘Thank you, Milan.’

And thanks for breaking the stereotypes, too.

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Billie Lourd, actress, saying her mother, Carrie Fisher, died from mental illness and drug use:

“My mom battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life. She ultimately died of it.  She was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases. She talked about the shame that torments people and their families confronted by these diseases. I know my Mom, she’d want her death to encourage people to be open about their struggles. Seek help, fight for government funding for mental health programs. Shame and those social stigmas are the enemies of progress to solutions and ultimately a cure. Love you Momby.”

I still miss Carrie, and feel sad she couldn’t keep her demons in check and was still using the drugs that ultimately killed her. But she gets huge props for being so open about her demons—mental illness and drug abuse—because, even if she helped just one person, she’s done more than most of us.

RIP.

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Ryan O’Callaghan, former Patriots and Chiefs offensive tackle, coming out as gay and saying he had considered committing suicide before he received support from the Kansas City football organization:

“People need to understand that we are everywhere. We’re your sons, your daughters, your teammates, your neighbors. And honestly, even some of your husbands and wives. You just don’t know it yet. If you’re a gay kid and you hear someone you love say ‘fag,’ it makes you think that in their eyes you’re just a fag too. That got to me a lot.”

Prime example of Silence = Death. Had Ryan stayed silent, he might have ended up taking his own life.

Thankfully, he did not, and he’s here as an example for those who come after that it does get better.

Welcome out, Ryan, and please accept, as our gift from Homo HQ, a Coming Out Toaster Oven and your own copy of The Gay Agenda.

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Joe Biden, challenging the LGBT community to push back against _____’s administration.

“Hold President Trump accountable for his pledge to be your friend. Just because you don’t have Barack and me in the White House doesn’t mean it’s time to give up, keep quiet, stay on the sidelines.”

Normally, well, always, I’m Team Joe, but in this case, I do disagree because _____ doesn’t know from accountability. He only said he’d be our greatest ally because he thought we were stupid enough to buy it, and support him ... and some of us were.

So, we will not hold him accountable, we will not demand he speak for us, we will work to have him removed from office, quickly through impeachment, or slowly, through the elective process free from his buddy Vlad’s interference.

Either way, we’ll send him home.

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