I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

Tis the season for holiday giving and our BFF here at I Should Be Laughing, my most favoritest gal pal, Gwyneth Paltrow has some dazzling gift ideas for you and yours!

Ready? Let’s go …

Howsabout a BDSM Restraining Arts Kit? The kit includes leather restraints and a “leather bound paddle” perfect for spanking your partner’s ass, and it can be yours for the special holiday price of $1,350.00. Ouch, indeed.

Now, if that ass spanking hurts your partner more than you intended, get he, or she, their very own supply of Bamboo Toilet Paper for $35 a package. Wipe your ass in style … green style!

But what happens if that ass paddling leaves your hindquarters on fire? Well, Gwynnie also offers a $250 hand-forged Copper Fire Extinguisher to ease the pain.

And when everyone feels better, help yourselves to a cup of coffee with GOOPs special coffee make that sells for just $495.

Don’t drink coffee, you say, well then get in line for $80 Smokey Quartz Crystal-Infused Water Bottle. Water takes so much better when you drink it from an eighty-dollar bottle, you know.

But be careful; sometimes life gets busy and you forget to drink water, so Paltrow is also offering a Hydration Reminder for just $30 that attaches to your $80 water bottle and blinks “when your sipping has slipped.”

Order now, operators are standing by. And God bless us everyone, and God bless Gwyneth Paltrow for knowing exactly what you need this Christmas.

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Nicolas Cage used to be big—the man won an Oscar, fer chrissakes—but lately, well, he’s known more for bad choices, on screen and off—like his three second marriage last summer.

Now, however, he may have his most daring role ever! You see, Nicholas Cage is hoping to star in a new film, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, playing none other than … Nicholas Cage.

Oh, but he is; if the deals close, Nicholas Cage would star as actor Nicolas Cage, who is desperate to get a role in a new Quentin Tarantino movie while also dealing with a strained relationship with his teenage daughter and having long chats with a 1990s version of himself who berates him for making too many crappy movies and for not being a star anymore.

Fingers crossed that Cage nails that audition.

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It’s murder when your mama is disappointed in you, but when your mama is the frickin’ Queen of England—and, no, I don’t mean Elton—it’s got to be especially embarrassing.

In the wake of his “friendship” with Jeffrey Epstein, who ran an underage sex trafficking ring to supply underage girls to the 1%, Prince Andrew will no longer perform any of his royal duties because his mother, The Queen, pushed him out, with a last kick and shove from his older brother Prince Charles.

Andrew’s dismissal comes just days after an interview with the BBC about his buddy Epstein. Andrew thought he killed it, but the rest of the world WTF’d so loudly The Queen had no choice but to give him the boot.

Andrew will still be invited to stand on the palace balcony during major Royal Family events, and he will still be able to call himself Prince Andrew—though I believe the title Randy Prince Andy has been retired—and will still receive money from The Queen’s private funds. But he will no longer be entitled to his annual £249,000 Sovereign Grant, because that money goes towards official royal expenses and he has none.

All he has left is a mama who is so very disappointed. And embarrassed.

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Could it be? Say it isn’t so! Are Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson finished?

You remember that Miley was married to Liam Hemsworth, and then they split. In a series of Tweets, she asked for time to heal but in a nanosecond after the Tweet hit the web, Miley had hooked up with Kaitlynn Carter and declared herself to be off dick.

And yet again, while those Tweets were still spanking new, Miley had tossed Kaitlynn aside for Cody Simpson, claiming he was just the kind of dick she needed … in a series of Tweets.

And here we are again. Miley and Cody are ALLEGEDLY over because these two media whores have suddenly stopped posting their every move on social media.

I hear she’s already moved on, though, to a giant bong and a case of Doritos.

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I may have to end this weekly feature because, as of this moment, I’ve heard every-f%king-thing …

This week I learned that about 25 years ago Julia Roberts, just breaking big as America’s sweetheart, was one Hollywood executive’s first choice to play …

… Wait for it …

… It’s epic …

… You won’t believe your ears …

… I’m still stunned …

slavery abolitionist, and black woman, Harriet Tubman.

Seriously. Screenwriter Gregory Allen Howard, who has been working on the film for 25 years, said that a “then-president” of some sublabel of a studio told him how good the script was, but suggested Roberts be the one to play Harriet. And … AND … when the lone person of color in the room told this buffoon that Harriet Tubman was a black woman, this man replied:

“That was so long ago. No one will know that.”

Yup. Put Julia Roberts in it and she’ll make everyone forget that the “Underground Railroad woman” was black.

Again … seriously.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

The last season of rebooted Will & Grace  is about to get far less fabulous because Megan Mullally will be missing for a couple episodes due an ALLEGED feud with co-star Debra Messing. No reason why the feud, but the pair have confirmed it by doing the ghastly act of unfollowing one another on social media. Mullally has also stopped following her onscreen sidekick, Sean Hayes, but still follows Eric McCormack for some unexplainable reason.

Okay, Messing and Hayes, here’s the deal: you two are funny, but it’s Karen who makes the show. It should be called KAREN! With jack … will and grace.

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Ex-Bravo star [?] of Flipping Out, Jeff Lewis announced on his SiriusXM radio show Jeff Lewis Live, that he has hired his former maid Zoila’s sister to be his new maid.

Apparently, this counts as news? Well, maybe because Lewis’ Bravo show was canceled when he alienated every single person on the show from Zoila Chaves to Jenni Poulos to his business and life partner, and Baby Daddy, Gage Edwards, the surrogate mother for their child, and the staff at his child’s pre-school. Lewis even went after Bravo golden gay boy Andy Cohen by reading private text messages on his radio show.

Yeah, Bravo is done with Jeff Lewis, but Jeff Lewis says he’s not done with TV:

“I have talked to a couple of different networks about either a doc-series or a more formatted design show. I think when the right show with the right person comes, we’ll hopefully put something together.”

Until he goes after them and drives them away.

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So, we know that federal prosecutors have added additional charges for Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, all part of the original scheme where they paid $500K to convince the USC admissions board that their daughters were master rowers … or smart. But, apparently Lori thinks if this mess goes to trial—she and her husband are one of the few involved in the scheme who have pled not guilty—she’ll get a Felicity Huffman Deal of eleven days in Easy Jail.

However, if Lori and Mossimo are convicted of everything, they face up to decades in prison. Now, no one thinks they would actually serve decades because … white and rich … but there could be serious fines and serious prison time … more than eleven days and less than eleven years.

But there’s more; prosecutors have emails between Mossimo and Rick Singer, leader of the scandal, where Rick tells Mossimo to get pictures of his daughters on a rowing machine to make it look legit. There is also evidence of payments and bribery, like an email between Mossimo and his accountant with an invoice for $200,000 saying:

“Good news my daughter … is in (U)SC… bad is I had to work the system.”

Oops. People magazine says Lori and Mossimo feel like this is “David versus Goliath” and that, wait for it, it’s rich and white … people excuse, that they are being scapegoated. Yeah, scapegoats. Lori has it all wrong; they might be made an ‘example’ by the feds to perhaps show people how not to get your kids into college, but a scapegoat is what Lori could use right now …

‘Look over there, it’s that guy’s fault.’

Take a seat Lori, you’ll handle prison just fine, but your Silver Fox husband might be the beauty of the cell block.

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Diddy is doing it again.

Diddy, AKA Sean John Combs, AKA Sean Combs, has changed his name almost as much as Miley Cyrus exchanges husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends. He’s been Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, and Diddy, and even once suggested he would change it to Brother Love.

And now this … Sean John Combs now wants y’all to call him Sean Love Combs.

Wait. Is he hooking up with Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Oy. But if he wants to change it again, sometime in the future, might I suggest … drum roll …wait for it … it’s perfection … Didiot.

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Speaking of the unwashed …Cody Simpson and Miley Cyrus have been having a ball together. They’re  living together… or not; they’re getting tattooed together … or not; he cured her of her fear of dick and being bisexual … or not; and they’re both sober …or not.

But, since Miley opened her mouth last week and shoved a giant boot in it with her suggestion that she was a lesbian was due to never having had good dick, now it’s Cody’s time to share the stupid by saying he is the most romantic fulfilling adult real relationship Miley’s ever had … this week … and that previous ones were not.

Cue professional gossip hacker Lindsay Lohan who has inserted herself into this drama with claims of stolen furniture. What the what? Yes, Lindsay, fresh off her hit recording of Xanax … I kid, it was no hit … has accused Cody of stealing her sister Ali’s furniture because they dated and lived together for about a minute.

Lindsay posted, then deleted, a message of hatred toward Cody because of her sister Ali Lohan. On the finale of Masked Singer: Australia, where she works … hold for laughter … Lindsay brought up her drama with Cody:

“If it is you, we have a lot to talk about, and this is not the arena for it. I want my furniture back! Because I bought your furniture for your house in Venice!”

Seriously? Perhaps she wants the couch back because there’s a dime bag sewn into the cushions? Or perhaps because no one is talking about Lindsay Lohan and she needs to snark.

Six of one, half dozen of the other …

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It’s been a whole week and a half since a clip of Kylie Jenner waking up her daughter Stormi with a musical “Rise and shiiiiine” went viral and since she comes from That Family she is trying to trademark the words “rise and shine.”

Seriously. To be fair, we now know that Kylie, whose job is dating, getting pregnant and trademarking existing phrases, says she wants to trademark slang version of rise and shine”:

“RIIISE AND SHIIINNEE.”

I guess she really wants to trademark the fact that she can’t freaking spell.

I have opted to follow suit and will seek to trademark the phrase … ‘All Kardastrophes are idiiiiiiotttttts.’  … Followed by my newest version of Kylie-speak:

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise and shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.”

I’ll make millions!

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