Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t understand that blowing the powdered sugar off a donut is part of my healthy eating plan.

… that I used to be a people person until people ruined it for me.

… that I don’t like this phase of my life where I Google a celebrity and find out they’re younger than me.

… that my circle of friends is so small that when my phone rings I already know who it is.

… that when I was dating, the guys never realized they they got a comedian, a chef and a mental patient all rolled into one.

… that most days I feel like putting an ‘Out of Order’ sign on my head and giving up.

… that co-workers don’t get it that if I call in sick to work they shouldn’t ask me what’s wrong because what’s wrong is I’m sick of all of them.

… that sometimes I want to throw cow poop on people to fertilize them so they’ll grow up.

… that when I was younger my housekeeping style was best described as “there seems to have been a struggle.”

… that no one gets the fact that if you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it had better be a food truck.

… that no one remembers that putting me on speaker phone is taking a huge risk.

Why Is it ...

… that I wouldn’t call myself quirky but there is definitely something wrong with me.

… that my boss asked me why I was gone for seven hours to smoke and I told him, "It was a brisket and that’s how long it takes. What?"

… that curly fries are my favorite snack because they are salty and spiraling … like me.

… that there are people my age out there climbing mountains and running marathons and zip-lining, and I’m here at home reveling in the glory that is getting my leg through my underwear without toppling over.

… that while I may not have lost all my marbles I admit there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

… that in the old days my taste in dates was so bad, that my Walk of Shame was on my way to the date.

… that you can burn all the sage you want but still you don’t understand that I will be back.

… that people at work are mad that I have taken to calling everyone “fucker.” I mean, when you think about it, “fucker” is gender neutral so I'm being politically correct.