Snarky Thoughts

We never hear from Jewel, not that I’m complaining, but when we do, it’s huge. It seems Jewel claims her own mother embezzled some $100 million from the singer when she was Jewel’s manager, and now Jewel is some $3 million in debt.

My Thought: How did Jewel make a $100 million??

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Apparently sometime last year 90s boy bander and Love Is Blind host Nick Lachey accosted a paparazzo and has now been ordered to attend anger management classes and Alcoholics Anonymous. It all happened when Nick and his wife Vanessa were leaving Mastro’s steakhouse in Beverly Hills and Nick noticed female paparazzo Jody Santos taking photos of the couple and drunkenly started flipping her off before walking up to her and trying to steal her phone.

My Thought: Hasn’t Nick Lachey been over for a while, so was he trying to beat up a photographer for taking his picture or for not knowing who he was?

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Gwyneth Paltrow is in court this week; no, not for her vagina candle, or her over-priced golden dildoes, or even for her loopy, goopy medical advice. It all began back in 2016 when Gwynnie collided with 76-year-old Terry Sanderson on a ski slope in Park City, Utah. Sanderson is now suing Paltrow for $3.1 million for the ribs he broke and the brain injury he suffered after her bony body crashed into him.

My Thought: Don’t ask for cash in the suit; ask that you get the Oscar that Harvey Weinstein bought her for Shakespeare In Love.

PS That trifecta of photos of Paltrow up there, taken inside the courtroom, show that she can’t decide if she’s constipated, having a good time, or terrified of being in a room with commoners.

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So the question on everyone’s mind is where in the world does Everything Everywhere All At Once Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis keep her award?? Jamie Lee, who has also announced that her Oscar uses the pronouns they and them—I can see Large Marge’s head splitting open as I typed that—she also said she keeps it on a shelf next to her SAG Award for EEAAO and her EEAAO character’s fictional butt plug-shaped award for “Auditor of the Month.”

My Thought: How past Academy Award winners have used their Oscar as a Butt Plug?? Just sayin’.

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During a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter  Ben Affleck spewed some nonsense about how he had a good time with his current wife, JLo, at the Grammys earlier this year, despite the sourpuss he wore all night. But even more ridiculous was when Ben said the comment he made about his previous wife, Jennifer Garner, that if he were still married to her, he’d probably still be married to the bottle too wasn’t very nice.

My Thought: It doesn’t look like his stint at rehab didn’t take if he blames his ex-wife for him being a drunk.

My Other Thought: If that’s Ben having fun, I’d hate to see him miserable.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Jeffrey Tambor, who plays transgender Maura Pfeffermen, on an airport encounter with a stranger:

“I thought he was going to lay me out. But he said, ‘Thank you. Thank you for teaching me about something I did not know.’ The world is changing. They’re not going to stand for this hatred. They’re not going to stand for this nonsense and this misgendering and all of this crap. It’s a brand new world.”

The more people talk, the better educated people become; the better educated people become, the less ‘phobic’ they are.

It’s a good thing.

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Garrison Keillor, on The [t]Rump:

“The cap does not look good on you, it's a duffer's cap, and when you come to the microphone, you look like the warm-up guy, the guy who announces the license number of the car left in the parking lot, doors locked, lights on, motor running. The brim shadows your face, which gives a sinister look, as if you'd come to town to announce the closing of the pulp factory. Your eyes look dead and your scowl does not suggest American greatness so much as American indigestion. Your hair is the wrong color: People don't want a president to be that shade of blond. You know that now. … Meanwhile, you keep plugging away. It's the hardest work you've ever done. You walk out in the white cap and you rant for an hour about stuff that means nothing and the fans scream and wave their signs and you wish you could level with them for once and say one true thing: I love you to death and when this is over I will have nothing that I want.”

One can dream that when this ends he will have nothing he wants; and one can dream that he’ll do the one thing he said he’d do if he lost and go away.

But he’s a pathological liar, so he’ll hang around and bitch and moan and whine … cuz that’s all he does.

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Megan Rapinoe, United States women’s national soccer team star, on joining other professional athletes and refusing to stand during the national anthem:

“It was very intentional. It was a little nod to Kaepernick and everything that he’s standing for right now. I think it’s actually pretty disgusting the way he was treated and the way that a lot of the media has covered it and made it about something that it absolutely isn’t. We need to have a more thoughtful, two-sided conversation about racial issues in this country. Being a gay American, I know what it means to look at the flag and not have it protect all of your liberties. It was something small that I could do and something that I plan to keep doing in the future and hopefully spark some meaningful conversation around it. It’s important to have white people stand in support of people of color on this. We don’t need to be the leading voice, of course, but standing in support of them is something that’s really powerful.”

The other day I heard Whoopi Goldberg talking about this, and she told a story of black soldiers fighting for America in World War II and then coming home to find that they couldn’t eat at the counter, drink out of the fountain, sit anywhere they wanted to in a bus or a movie theater.

The flag, the anthem, this country, need to represent all of us; all of us.

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Jewel, at a Rob Lowe Roast, on ‘why gay men love Ann Coulter:

“Two minutes into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate pussy.”

And one minute after looking at her reminds me that, somewhere, a horse needs to be fed.

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Shia LaBeouf, on  Steven Spielberg, who directed him in that awful Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 

“I grew up with this idea, if you got to Spielberg, that’s where it is. I’m not talking about fame, and I’m not talking about money. You get there, and you realize you’re not meeting the Spielberg you dream of. You’re meeting a different Spielberg, who is in a different stage in his career. He’s less a director than he is a fucking company….I don’t like the movies that I made with Spielberg. The only movie that I liked that we made together was Transformers."

And so I imagine he won’t be making any more movies with Spielberg though the decision won’t by Shia’s … it’ll be Spielberg’s.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so yeah, Lindsay Lohan got a real job, but it's only for a couple of months.

She'll be playing the same role that that other brilliant actress, Madonna — remember her film career?? Neither does she — played on Broadway last century. But that doesn’t mean Lohan still isn't looking for a pay day, and this time it’s another lawsuit — like the one against the company that marketed her tights ... and I'll say nothing more about that.

Last December, Lohan's lawyer — probably Dina with her hair in a pun and some CVS reading glasses on her schnoz — threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for ALLEGEDLY basing a character on her without paying for the privilege.

Well, it took 'em six months — probably because Lindsay still had some Oprah coins in the bottom of her purse — but finally the law offices of Lohan and Lohan filed suit claiming that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total rip-off of dignified stage and screen actress Lindsay Lohan and now they want a Grand Theft Settlement.

The suit claims Lohan’s “image, voice and style” were stolen for the game, and that the lead character, "Lacey Jonas". is on the run from the Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once bailed on a hotel bill; Jonas is found hiding in alley, asking for help to elude the paparazzi, moaning about how hard it is to be famous, complaining that she doesn’t need “any more lawsuits,” talking about breaking it off with her “lame” family, calling herself anorexic, and bragging about how all of her fans could fill “the country of Africa, wherever that is.”

Lohan wants you all to know that this delusional illiterate cartoon tool is based on her! 

Dammit!

Beyoncé and Jay-Z are on their “On The Run” tour as we speak, and we've heard that tickets aren't selling quickly. So, what do they do? 

Well, if you read this blog’s Random Musings [HERE] you'd know that Beyoncé has taken to exposing her ass onstage to drum up tickets sales and when that didn’t work — because, let's face it, you could get a Beyoncé look-a-like to lap-dance you to hell and back for a lot less than a concert ticket — now comes word that, during a performance of "Resentment" Beyoncé seemed to sing-say that Jay Z cheated on her.

While belting out the track, about a woman who was cheated on, Bey sang “been riding with you for 12 years” instead of the original words “been riding with you for six years.” 

When Beyoncé first recorded that song it was in 2006, when she and Jay had been dating for four years; and that would be twelve years now.

Other original lyrics include the line, "l always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could" which is now being sung as, "I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like that wack bitch could."

Did he cheat? Is he cheating? Or, as I'm apt to think, are the Carters desperate for ticket sales to increase?

Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current country singer, Jewel has announced that she and her husband, professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are divorcing after 16 years together.

And, as celebrities are apt to do, they prefer not to call it divorce — and we can thank Smuggy Paltrow for that. No, rather than saying "we're divorcing" and not wanting to be sued by Paltrow for copyright infringement by using the term "consciously uncoupling" Jewel and Murray announced that there will be a "thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves."

Conscious uncoupling; tender undoing. You're divorcing asshats!

Y'all know Jennifer Lopez blatantly lied about her breakup with Casper Smart, right? She was playing fast-and-loose with the timeline to make it seem like she and Casper weren’t together when he was hooking up with transsexual models.

No one really cared when it happened because we all knew it was going to happen; I mean, it's JLo, who isn’t known for long-term relationships or marriages. But now comes the rumor that Jell-O was in full “meltdown mode” during the breakup.

A friend of the singer — maybe that dancing STD from TV that she's been banging for a hot minute or two — says she's "had a complete meltdown” recently, overdoing it with the champagne and losing it at home:

“She started throwing framed photos of Casper against the wall — there was broken glass everywhere, and the maid had to clean up after her. It was a crazy scene.”

Very Joan Crawford, you know; and she was a bitch, too, who couldn't keep a man for longer than a minute.

It looks like 2014's Messiest Divorce is gonna get messier.

Sherri Shepherd and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally decided to call it quits last May and Lamar began playing the gold-digger role asking for child support for the as-yet-unborn child he and Shepherd were having via a surrogate. He wanted that baby and all the child support that came with it and used it as a jump-off for stories about what a horrible mother Sherri is.

Now, though, it seems that Christian Sherri wants nothing to do with the surrogate baby, and is saying that Lamar swindled her into having a baby via-surrogate just so he could have a monthly paycheck for the next eighteen years after he dumped her. In fact, she's now claiming that this bundle of joy that she once so desperately wanted isn’t even hers, since it’s made from a donor egg and Lamar’s sperm.

So Lamar only wanted Surrogate Baby for the cash, and Christian Sherri doesn’t want Surrogate Baby at all. 

Lovely. And straight people can get married all they want and have all the kids they want because, well, straight.

I wouldn't know Azealia Banks if she brought me my breakfast at the Waffle house — which is where she might be headed given that she doesn’t seem to want to perform and no one seems to want to see her perform.

Case in point: Banks was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway recently, which could have gone badly except that no one showed up to see her in concert.

Banks didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site, so she called up the organizers at the last second and said she wasn’t coming. There was no time to make an official announcement, but thankfully this is what the site looked like during what might have been Banks' set:

No one was there. Like I said, she might have to get used to hearing people ask for more syrup for their waffles and not an encore.

Kim and Kanye spent so much on their tacky wedding — headless statues, gold toilets, engraved marble tables don’t come cheap, y’all —that this story seems quite plausible.

After the wedding, they instantly handed off baby NorthSouthEastWest to That Woman, who instantly put the child in her carry-on, K and K jetted off to Ireland for their honeymoon, where they stayed locked in a hotel room for days doing the deed; the deed being editing and Photoshopping their wedding pictures for Instagram.

And when they left Ireland they left behind a little something else: an unpaid hotel bill to the tune of $20,000. Lindsay Lohan say what?

The K’s first stayed at the Castle Oliver complex in Limerick, but instantly grew tired of the place because the castle was “too big” and their cell reception was awful. So the happy couple left for the Ballyfin House in Co Laois instead.

Yet, according to hotel insiders, the Castle Oliver had already ordered countless items —food, champagne, special flowers, candles — to satisfy the K’s over-the-top demands, and were unnerved to find the K's had disputed the deposit charged to their American Express card and had the charges reversed.

In other words: cheap.

Okay, Solange Knowles. We wouldn’t even know your name if it wasn’t for your sister … or for your on your brother-in-law at a fancy dress ball.

Bu enough with trading on ElevatorGate for some new-found fame, er infamy. Seriously, she thinks she's more famous than ever, reveling in the attention she gets on red carpets, showing up at the opening of an envelope. But that'll last about another hot minute, then she'll go back to carrying Beyoncé’s luggage and polishing Jay Z’s chains, unless ...

She keeps bringing up the beat-down without actually bringing it up. And this may explain why she’s talking —albeit briefly —about the Smackdown in a new interview for Lucky magazine where she downplays the brawl as “that thing”:

“What’s important is that my family and I are all good. What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”

Translation: Beyoncé told me to shut up or she’d stop sending me coins.

So Pam Anderson is divorcing; again. She’s divorcing Rick Salomon; again. He’s the idea who banged that Petri dish of STDs, Paris Hilton, on tape, and he’s the guy who married Shannon Doherty for about a hot minute.

Oh, and he married Pam Anderson in 2007, only to have the marriage annulled a few months later, only to marry Pam Anderson in 2013, only to divorce her in 2014.

And Pam, of course, besides being married to Salomon, twice, was also married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Straight people are so lucky to be able to glorify marriage by doing it over and over again.

So, we all know that ABC fired Sheri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy, AKA Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, from The View, right? 

I mean, Sherri was renegotiating her contract and wanted some more zeros on her check and ABC offered up a check that was all zeros and a map to the exit. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, was hired for one year and about two months in ABC and Barbara Walters said, 'WTF have we done' and told her that she’d be out on the last day of her contract.

That’s the truth; but Jenny and Sherri are spinning like dreidels to make it seem like it was their choice to leave.

This week, after coming back from vacation, Whoopi Goldberg mentioned the “giant neon pink gorilla” in the room that needed to be addressed, and then Jenny started lying. She says she enjoyed The View but is on to bigger and better things and will be announcing, uh huh, a new show she’ll be on where no one will interrupt her, and it will air opposite The View. I break it down like this: she’ll be live Tweeting during The View all next season from her bed, surrounded by empty boxes of Ho Ho’s and Ding Dong’s and old boxed sets of New Kids on the Block CDs from the late 90s.

But Sherri’s explanation for why she got the boot, er quit, was just plain hallucinogenic. She played the Bible card, y’all:

“I’m a woman of faith and seven in the Bible is the number of God’s completion. I’ve been here seven years, and my time at The View is complete.”

Bitch, please. If seven is the number of God’s completion then you knew seven years ago you’d be leaving this year so why try and renegotiate your contract? Open the Bible to the part that says STFU. And then have a seat and be quiet.

A Very Jewel Christmas