I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Recently in Gossip we talked Chris Brown’s stint in rehab for anger management that was scheduled to last ninety days but ended at about 14 days. His peeps said he left early because he had to finish his community service from the time he beat the crap outta Rihanna, but, yeah, that was a lie.

Chris Brown was kicked out of the program for throwing a rock at his mother’s car.

Really, Chris Brown??

According to the probation report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging him to stay in the facility for extended treatment but Chris wasn’t playing that. He disagreed with Mama Brown, stomped out of the session, grabbed a handful of rocks and threw them at her car, shattering the windows.

Yeah, he don’t need no stinking anger management. Jail would be better.

Kanye. Oy. He’s talking again, and by talking I mean whining like the little bitch he is.

First up: Bruno Mars. At a stop on his Yeezus Tour — which I take to mean, Yeezus Christ You’re A Douche — Miss Kanye bitched to the crowd about the MTV Video Music Awards:

“I’m sitting there, I’m trying to enjoy mother**kers performing, and sh*t. I’m looking, I’m watching Drake perform, I see Bruno Mars perform, and sh*t. And then they start giving out awards and sh*t, and Bruno Mars won all the mother**king awards, and sh*t.”

Actually, Bruno only won two awards, for “Locked Out of Heaven” and “Treasure” but Kanye wouldn’t know the truth if it looked like Kim’s ass and bitchslapped him.

Next up: The Fashion World

“You seen my interview on Jimmy Kimmel talking about how I want to do clothes, how I want support and sh*t. And y’all say, ‘Why can’t he just do it by his self?’ Well, I want to let you know I signed my deal a week and a half ago.”

Of course, he didn’t bother to mention with whom he signed a deal, but I think he might be joining Kim in the bargain bin at Sears.

Next up: Nike CEO Mark Parker.

“They tried to make [the shoe I designed] as small as possible. Mark Parker even talked sh*t, talking about, ‘We don’t even know why people like the Yeezys’. They like ‘em like they like the Jordans, because I was in fourth grade getting kicked out for drawing Jordans.”

Uh huh.

Lastly: Getting Kim on the cover of Vogue

Kanye is really pushing for Kim to get her own Vogue cover and Anna Wintour still isn’t buying it. But Kanye has ALLEGEDLY already created his own cover; a wedding cover, with Kim — not Kanye — in the wedding gown. And he has ALLEGEDLY hired Mario Testino to shoot the pictures and asking Testino to speak to Wintour on Kim’s behalf.

Like anyone, even Kanye’s big ego teamed with Kim’s big ass could get Anna Wintour to put a Kardastrophe on Vogue.

Yeezus needs to sit down.

Courtney Stodden. The ginormous boobed teenager who married a man old enough o be her grandpappy and is now divorcing him is also making news.

She wore a completely see-through negligee to the Pop Fashion and Sport Event. She is possibly being paid to attend these events and look like a blow-up doll because she has no discernible skills.

She says she will not do porn, which means she’ll be doing porn.

She wants to be the new Lady Gaga. A source — probably her soon-to-be-ex — says she is “obsessed with launching her music career… She is confident she can be the next Lady Gaga—but on an ever larger scale.” You know, because of the large scale boobs.

She won’t say ‘No’ if ABC offered to make her the new Bachelorette. I think the season should be sub-titled Jumped The Shark with Stodden’s Boobs.

She says her marriage ended not because her husband was alive when JFK was hot and her own parents were not yet born, but because Doug was “slowing down” and he couldn’t have sex with her as much as she wanted: “Our sex was good, I’m not going to lie, but I’m a young girl who wants to experience sex of all kinds and he’s an older man who’s slowing down a bit. I wanted more sex.” 

I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.

New Year’s Eve will be Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris’s first wedding anniversary — speaking of young boob-enhanced girls marrying men old enough to be their grandpas, or in Crystal’s case, her great-grandpa.

And the marriage has been quiet, even after Crystal ditched Hef at the altar the first go-round to take some time and think about marrying Moses while she banged Dr. Phil’s son while Phil watched. ALLEGEDLY.

And now, one year in, BIG SURPRISE, rumor has it that the 27-year-old and the 87-year-old don’t have that much in common and their marriage is plagued with problems.

Like she doesn’t care where he was when he heard the news that Lincoln was shot. And he doesn’t know an iPad from an IUD. He doesn’t want to go out lest he venture to far from a bathroom and she doesn’t want to stay in and want reruns of the Golden Girls. He plays Dominoes, she plays Guess How Many Rolled Up Newspapers I Can Carry Under My Breasts. His favorite movie star: Lillian Gish—Google her—and her fave movie star: Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that an 87-year-old man and a 27-year-old chemistry experiment have much in common.

Aaron Carter, former pop star is kinda broke.

According to legal documents, his assets total $8,232.16 while his liabilities total $2,204,854. Yup, worth 8 thou, owes 2 mil; you don’t have to be Einstein to see where this is headed. Carter  also owes nearly $1.5 million to the IRS.

He listed all of his assets — including his dog, who was given a monetary value of $0.00 — while his other assets include:

61″ flat screen worth $500; 2 MacBooks; 2 Headset Mics; mini keyboard; Portable Beats; One guitar; $60 in cash; 1 Louis Vuitton backpack; a Brietling watch worth $3,750.

He’s living with relatives right now.

Hopefully the dog is living with someone who can afford Kibble.

Remember when Kanye first hooked up with The Kash Kow — Kim Kardastrophe? 

Remember how he said he wouldn’t ever appear on her “show” and then he did? 

Remember when he said he wanted to be left alone, but then he paraded his baby mama out dressed like a sofa? 

Remember when he said he wanted his privacy?

He lied.

‘Now the rumor is saying that when Kim and Kanye do get married — ALLEGEDLY next summer — that the nuptials will be televised.

Because Kim learned nothing from turning her last 2-month marriage into a TV show.

I am not a fan of Beyoncé. Take away the glitter and the hip thrusts and the wind machine and she’s the girl who makes my Latte in the morning.

Beyoncé lives in Beyoncé World where everything’s coming up Beyoncé, made by Beyoncé, designed by Beyoncé, sold by Beyoncé, for Beyoncé. When she wants something for Beyoncé, it’s done by and for and how Beyoncé wants it. ALLEGEDLY. 

But then she wanted to visit the Great Pyramids at Giza and she ended up being banned.

Jay Z say what?

It seems Beyoncé wanted a private tour of the pyramids all to herself, and asked renowned archaeologist Zahi Hawass to be her guide, but then she was late, kept him waiting and when she showed up, rather than  apologize, she turned on a wind machine, thrust her junk at him and said, er, lip-synced, "I’m Beyoncé.”

Hawass, the former Egyptian Minister of State for Antiquities, tells the story:

“She said she would come at 3PM but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth. I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite — out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”

Snap. Beyoncé. Dissed by an archaeologist!

LeAnn Rimes got into more Twitter drama; this time with an ex. No, not her adulterous husband Eddie Cibrian’s ex, but her own ex Dean Sheremet.

 Dean and LeAnn don’t seem to speak or acknowledge each other ever. After their divorce — where he no doubt got a sizable payout so she could marry the married man she’d been schtupping — he moved to New York, went to culinary school and got married to a not-insane girl.

But last month he gave an interview where he talked about LeAnn, and that started new drama which LeAnn naturally took to Twitter.

It all began when a Twitterer, calling themselves Da Giggle Factory — and may, or may not, have actually been LeAnn using a fake account — posted a picture of LeAnn and Dean with the caption, “Remember the good old days when @leannrimes was just a chubby country bumpkin married to a gay dude?”

Rimes reTweeted, and Tweeted back, “hahahaha I’m gonna choose to laugh at this”

Dean Tweeted back, “Laugh away-Who’s the bully now?” He was referring o LeAnn’s recent stint in rehab for the stress caused by Twitter bullies.

Dean then wrote Tweeted  a message to both Rimes and the NOH8 Campaign: “I don’t do twitter wars, but I do hate ignorance.”

Then LeAnn — because her last album sank like a stone and she has nothing to do — did The Twitter Backtrack, Tweeting that she “laughing” at herself, and said Sheremet’s “not gay and there’s nothing wrong” if he was: “I have always & will always support the [gay] community.”

LeAnn needs a job, something away from a computer, but also something she can do while watching Eddie because you just know he’ll cheat on her like he did Wife #1.

Sidenote:  Rumor has it that LeAnn spends most of her time on Twitter responding to herself through various Twitter handles that she’s created for herself.

Basically she talks to herself. Online. Under assumed names. Oy.

Remember Michaele Salahi, who crashed a White House party with her husband Tareq, then showed up on Real Housewives of DC acting like a complete lunatic before she was drummed off the show, disappeared, and then reappeared in the bed of former Journey guitarist Neal Schon?

Well,  Michaele and Schon have announced their engagement and also said that their wedding will be televised as a pay-per-view “event” for the low low price of $14.99.

I’d rather head to the WalMart bargain bin and get a used copy of The Runaway Bride for $17.99.

Seriously? A reality show trainwreck and a has-been guitarist want to sell their wedding to the world. The world ain’t buying kids.

I apologize for the  Kanye overdose this week, but he is the gift that keeps on giving.

And before we get going on his idiocy, let’s giggle for a moment at the reviews for the Yeezus tour, most of which use the words ‘egomaniacal’ and ‘crazy’ and, my favorite, ‘bonkers’ when describing Miss West and her onstage rants at anyone who thinks she isn’t All that and a bag of chips.

Performing at Madison Square Garden recently, Kanye went off on Hedi Slimane, the former Dior designer and current creative director for Saint Laurent, for not treating him like a ‘god’:

“He was once a friend of mine, in the time of Christian Dior. And I used to wear his tight-ass jeans when I was on tour and get called names for it . . . And Hedi Slimane was a god who didn’t serve no bullsh*t … but it takes a god to recognize another god. So when he told me you can come to my show, but you can’t come to see Phoebe [Philo] and you can’t come to see Riccardo [Tisci], that was odd. He tried to control me! He tried to tell me where I could go!”

And no one, NO ONE, keeps Kanye from Riccardo, if you get my meaning.

Just sayin’. He sounds like a woman scorned.

I loathe Justin Timberlake. After watching the American Music Awards — okay, I DVRd it and watched the three hour show in 22 minutes — I came to the conclusion that JT is really TSwifty with a beard. They both have that same phony Aw shucks mentality while acting like they deserve every accolade and more.

And JT takes it a step further, acting like he can do anything. While accepting an award he began to speak in a Bajan accent — suddenly he's Rihanna — to kind of remind people that he can do anything — except make a hit movie — because he was  nominated for “Pop, Rock, and Soul R-and-B.”

He can do it all, y’all, except, like I said, have a hit movie if he plays anything other than a side note character.

Clint Eastwood‘s daughter, Francesca, is seeking an annulment from Jordan Feldstein—manager of Robin Thicke and Adam Levine and brother to Jonah Hill—after less than a week of marriage.

Sources close to the couple — possibly Clint’s soon-to-be ex-wife, and Kris Jenner wannabe, Dina — say the “wedding’ fueled by alcohol. Francesca and Jordan were legally married in a cheesy Vegas wedding chapel by Elvis impersonator.

Holy Britney Spears!

And Francesca had immediate regrets…

Funny, straight folks can get drunk and get married and then call it quits in a matter of hours all they want, but The Gays threaten the sanctity of marriage.

So, remember Paris Hilton’s sex tape?

I mean it came out sometime in the last decade when she was still kind of relevant, but now, NOW, she’s filing suit against a Slovenian website called ParisHiltonPornVideos.com, which has apparently been showing clips of Paris’ clips and bits to drive traffic.

And so now, NOW, she wants it stopped and she wants to get paid for it. She wants the domain name transferred to her because if anyone’s gonna make money off of Paris’ skankitude it better be Paris.

And Rick Salomon who first sold the tape about a hundred years ago.

Is this for real? Are people, any people, still interested enough in Paris Hilton to pay to see her gettin’ did? Or is it as I think, just more of Paris trying to keep herself in the news because, let’s face it, she’s as over as twerking.

WTF: Courtney Stodden

Someone is stealing melon's from the Farmer's Market because isn't that what one wears to a Farmer's Market?

PS She's nineteen years old ... and not in Dog Years.

Although ......

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

You know, if you’re gonna be a stalker—especially stalking a Kennedy—you need the big bucks. And luckily for Taylor Swift, there are some folks who find her, um, for lack of a better word, “music” worth buying.

See, in a matter of minutes of the news breaking that Taylor was dating 18-year-old Conor Kennedy, there was all sorts of chatter that she’d be buying a house close to him so she could see him whenever she wanted.

And I mean, whenever.

Rumor had it that Taylor was close to buying a home that was practically across the street from the Kennedy compound, but then there was all sorts of weird back-tracking from her peeps—probably right after she crashed a Kennedy wedding and got all ii9nds of bad press for being all stalkery and shiz.

But now, none other than Ethel Kennedy—Conor’s grandmother—has let it slip that Taylor was buying the house next door: “I’m happy that we’ll be neighbors. I’m thrilled.”

Until Taylor shows up unannounced all the time, with her new red lips and kicky pony-tail. And until Conor graduates and realizes there are other, less crazy women out there who won’t ride this “romance” for all its worth and then turn it into a pseudo-hit album.

Taylor is, after all, quite fond of serial dating and then bashing ex-boyfriends in her music.

Tom and Katie. Yup, they’re still news, I guess.

We’re getting all kinds of stuff about the divorce settlement and how it all went down, and, well, best of all—so I’ll save it till the end—a glimpse of Tom Cruise’s actual email address handle.

But first….We all thought Katie served Tommy divorce papers while he was in Iceland filming something called Oblivion, but the fact is that Katie had him served while he was in NYC. It was done this way because Katie saw troubles in serving Tommy because his “full-time security team is with him twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week. He travels only on private planes and [when] he travels by car, it is a motorcade with multiple cars going at the same time to serve as decoys. Put simply, it is impracticable if not impossible to effect personal service upon his person.”

Who does he think he is? Decoy cars? Private landing strips?

Katie’s only solution was to FedEx the papers to Tom at their NYC home and also email them to his private email account. So, Tom’s whole blindsided mantra was a ruse, because he knew about the filing, and had already been served a full two days before he says he was “stunned.” But, while this is interesting in how much Tommy Cruise likes to control his image within the media, the most interesting part of the filing was the listing of Tom Cruise’s email address. Wait for it:

 “Imakdaddy.”

That is so Tom Cruise isn’t it? He still thinks he’s that kid dancing in his briefs from Risky Business.

Imakdaddy.

According to Urban Dictionary, mack daddy is “a term used to describe a man with an unusual power over women, and is derived from the French and later Louisiana Creole patois term ‘maqereau,’ which means ‘pimp.’ Adding ‘daddy’ makes it mean ‘top pimp.’”

Oh man, what took Katie so long to leave. His email address says all anyone needs to know about Tommy. Imakdaddy.

Ilaffdaddy.

And some more news on that odd marriage between fifty-something Doug Hutchison and his teen-something bride Courtney Stodden. It seems that while getting their reality TV show on—filming something called Couples Therapy—Hutchison, 52, and his wife Courtney, 18, weren’t allowed to spend the night together because Courtney was only 17 at the time and child labor laws forbade it.

Yup.

Child labor laws kept the couple apart. Of course that isn’t the only crazy/sick part of their, um, relationship. On the show, “Dr.” Jenn asks why, since Courtney was legally a child, they didn’t wait until she was 21 to get together.

“I wasn’t thinking responsibly,” Doug said. “To be fair, I truly wasn’t thinking responsibly. I was thinking with my heart.”

Or someplace lower.

The height of creepy. I mean, to be told you can’t share a bed with your wife because of child labor laws?

Excuse me while I take a bath in bleach.

After fighting with her mama, and calling her a coke whore, and calling her daddy for help, and then making up with her mama and denying she was a coke whore, and bashing her daddy in the press, what’s a girl to do?

Go to a launch party for something called Mr. Pink’s Ginseng Drink in Beverly Hills.

This is Lindsay Lohan, all cracked out and, well, looking kinda wasted, with a new, really bad dye job, and a little extra something under her chin. And, of course, since we all want to know, Lindsay has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney for President; like I needed any more reasons to not vote Romney! And she also squealed about what actually went down with coke whore mama Dina in the limo, because, well, that’s all Lindsay’s got these days between traffic accidents and hotel room brawls.

Lindsay says she did “lend” Dina 40K for a coke buy, or mortgage payment, because Daddy Michael doesn’t pay child support. Now, that begs the question: why does Dina live in a house with a 40K mortgage payment and where did Lindsay get 40K when she can’t even pay her own hotel bills? Oh, yeah, she‘s a high-class—giggle break—call girl.

Lindsay also denied that Dina was “on” cocaine, saying, “I told my dad a really hurtful and untruthful lie about my mom. She was not on cocaine.” Which is Lohan speak for, My mom snorted my whole stash and I was pissed, but then she made it up to me by pimping me out to a Saudi Arabian oil man so, all’s well….

And Lindsay once again said she’s disgusted by her Daddy and is “done” with him. Until she gets in trouble again, this, by my watch, should be sometime this weekend.

Oh, and a PS: after her public endorsement of Mittsy, word came that Lohan is not even registered to vote.

Oh……my…….

And that brings us to Lohan 2.0™, AKA Amanda Bynes, who was out and about in La Grande Apple, holding shopping bags on her head  while talking on the phone.

We’ve heard all sorts of stories about her drunk-driving, her crazy antics—talking to herself for two hours in a store dressing room, for example—but a new theory is floating around the interwebz

Some says Bynes might be faking her breakdown à la Joaquin Phoenix, with some folks saying she “has staged a lot of what has happened,” but most feel she is genuinely disturbed. But, adding to her multiple hit-and-runs, attending a spinning class just to use the mirrored wall to apply her make-up, and all that talking to herself in dressing rooms, it seems Lohan 2.0™ recently test drove a Porsche, despite the fact that she couldn’t drive a stick and doesn’t have a license, and then, when the owner demanded she stop stripping the gears in his car, she asked him to drive her around like a chauffeur, and stop in at the Home Depot for some "cleaning supplies".

Of course Amanda says she’s fine:

 “There is no craziness,” Bynes, 26, tells that bastion of professional journalism, Star magazine. “There’s no story there. It’s all lies.”

One thing that is not a lie, though, is that Bynes was ordered to formally turn herself in to LA authorities to be booked for hit-and-run on October 21, but her lawyers have managed to get an extension granted, and she doesn’t need to return to LA until November.

Plenty of time for more conversations, and more odd behavior, and more publicity.

Maybe it is all a sham?

Well, well, well, more Original Recipe Lohan™. She’s back at the Chateau Marmont after being banned earlier this year for non-payment of a 46K bill! WTF?

Lohan was originally barred from the hotel after she didn’t pay her massive $46,000 bill—which she racked up buying cigarettes, mini-bar goodies and candles—and she claimed she thought the production company behind the sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime “movie” Liz & Dick was footing the tab.

Sources—and you know it’s Dina trying to scrape up some more dough for her “mortgage"—says Lohan, desperate to be allowed back in to the hotel, reached out and, um, maybe “touched”,  Marmont owner, Andre Balazs, hoping for a return pass to the place where she goes most crazy.

And Balazs bought her story—after Lohan offered to pay her bill, which she did.

Funny, she could’a done that a couple of months back and spared me all the aggravation.

Just sayin’.

I loathe Kate Gosselin. Actually, I h8 K8.

So, it comes from a place of joy when I say that Gosselin, who, after the cancellation of her Whore My Children show, took on a “real” job at Coupon Cabin.

Until now. K8 got sacked. Coupon Cabin founder and CEO, Scott Kluth, even issued a statement in the space on their website that used to feature K8’s blog to say:

“A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at Coupon Cabin.

It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.”

In other words, the entire staff at Coupon Cabin went to Kluth and said, “She goes, or we go.”

I like a little good news with my gossip, and, um, K8, Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you!

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Barbra Walters, former journalist who once interviewed everyone from Moses to Khadafy, from Idi Amin to Barbra Streisand, has been reduced to doing a sit-down with, ahem, Lindsay Lohan!

Oh.My.Sides.

But, the best dish of all, is that Original Recipe™ only agreed to be grilled by Babs if Lifetime and the producers of the sure-to-be craptastic Liz Likes Dick, agreed to pay her overdue $46,000 bill at Chateau Marmont.

So, that’s how she did it!

 “She had them over a barrel,” a source—Hey :::sniff::: Dina!—said. “She demanded that the hotel bill be cleared up.”

So, basically, to pay her bills, Lindsay has agreed to sit down with octogenarian Walters and basically sell-out her family and all their troubles, from arrests, Daddy and Daughter, to drug and drink troubles, Mama and Daughter, and fights, Mama and Daddy and Daughter, and every single iota of their dysfunction.

For a hotel bill!

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Remember it was just a few weeks back, after her cracktastic appearance on “Dr.” Phil when Dina Lohan said she does not go to clubs with Lindsay?

Yeah…turns out that the Blohans went out clubbing over the weekend, and got into a tiff, which escalated when they got home and the police were called. I swear, anyone who is close to the Blowhards, er, Blohans needs to have 911 on speed dial.

Lindsay and Dina, after a night of drunken partying, left Electric Room, an NYC club, at around 4 AM, headed back to Dina’s home in Long Island. They started arguing in the car, and when they got back to Dina’s the fight turned physical, with Lindsay sustaining a cut on her leg. And there was some property damage as well; it seems one of Lindsay’s bracelets—could that mean handcuffs?—was broken in the melee.

A phone call to 911 was placed at around 6 AM, reporting a case of domestic abuse, and the caller also said that Lindsay was being held against her will by Dina and the driver.

Police took a Domestic Incident Report but no arrests were made.

Wow. Those Blohans. If they aren’t running over people in alleys or appearing drunk and drug-addled on cheesy talk shows, they’re beating the crap out of each other.

UPDATE:

Post-fight posing

After their big blow-up and fight, where Lindsay was mauled, gashed, or scratched by Dina, and her “diamond” bracelet was broken, the Blohans spent all of Wednesday morning together in Long Island.

Hey. The family that fights together…..I don’t know how to end that, but….

I do know that while the fighting was going on Lindsay called her father, jailbird Michael Lohan, in an hysterical plea for help, or maybe just to add some more crack to the drama.

In the audio—available at TMZ and, I’m betting, on NetFlix—Lindsay claims Dina is “on cocaine…She’s like touching her neck, and s—t.” And then she goes on to say that she had given her mother $40,000 to save her house from foreclosure —let’s stop for a minute. Where did Lindsay get 40K? I mean, she can’t pay a freakin’ hotel bill, but she carries $40,000 around in her pocketbook to give to her mama. Man, high class call girls get paid bank.

Anyway, Lindsay needs the money back—let’s stop there. She needs it? What? For her dealer? For bail? But Lindsay soon forgets about the money and says, “She’s saying disgusting things to me … I’m dead to her now….This is what you do. You ruin people. She’s like the f–king devil right now. I have a gash on my leg from what happened.”

So, what do we know about the Blohans that we didn’t already know?

They’re a cracked out mess of a family. No. We knew that.

Lindsay has a drug and alcohol problem—she sounds drunk and high on the tape. Nope. Knew that.

Dina’s a liar who lives off her drug-addicted daughter. No, again. Knew that.

Michael Lohan is a sleazeball who will record his own daughter in some kind of drunken distress and then give/sell the recording to TNMZ to make a buck. Yeah, we knew that already, too.

Oh Kristen Stewart.

You schtupped your director and your boyfriend dumped you and then the parade of excuses began. But this latest one—coming on the heels of the news that Stewart and Robert Pattinson have reunited—is the best ever.

In an interview with Marie Claire, Stewart has some unkind things to say about herself:

 “I’m a miserable c***! I’m not sure if I’m most happy when I’m comfortable and content or when I’m pushing myself to the limits. There are such different versions of happy. And I really appreciate both.”

Happy with my boyfriend.

Happy banging my married director.

Now, if we could just get her to admit that as an actress she has one emotion: sullen.

The Story That Would Not Die….because if it did we’d all go back to not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol.

The epic Nicki Minaj Mariah Carey catfight rages on, though sources—and you know it’s Ryan Seacrest because that girl loves to gossip—says a tentative truce has been reached, a la North and South Vietnam.

And now, Grandma Barbara Walters is walking into the fray.

Walters said on “The View” that Carey shared the new details about the feud and it ALALGEDLY involves a death threat: “[Mariah] said that when Nicki walked off the set, multiple people heard Nicki say, ‘If I had a gun I would shoot the bitch.’”

Walters said Carey told her that several “Idol” staffers, including hairdressers and producers, heard it, too.

“She said she’s very concerned,” Walters continued. “She is with her twins. She doesn’t feel that anything would happen, but Nicki is unpredictable, and Mariah says she can’t take a chance and she has hired extra security.”

Idol producers denied that there had been a death threat.

Nicki’s peeps didn’t respond, so Nicki took to Twitter, suggesting Walters is no impartial referee in the Battle of the Pop Divas. “Barbara walters didn’t reach out from our team,” Minaj tweeted. “I guess we’re too dangerous.”

And she goes on: “I don’t call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.”

And on: “I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we’ve had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn.”

So, it’s official. After years on not really producing an American idol, the show is clearly only about the drama and the catfights. In fact, I’d bet they won’t have a single contestant on next year; they’ll just put Nicki and Mariah in a room and let ‘em bitch at one another.

American Idol. Pffffft.

Kate Hudson is trying to change up her career. Which is good because when you hear about Kate Hudson’s career, the response is usually, “What career??” And she is channeling her inner Gwyneth Paltrow to do it.

Kate has taken a six-episode, guest-starring part on Glee, singing, dancing and acting like a maniacal bitch—so, she is playing Paltrow, too?...I digress—but ALLEGEDLY Kate was so upset about how, um, “rough” she looked onscreen that she went all-Paltrow and demanded a better makeup person:

An insider—and you know it’s Glee diva Lea Michele—says, “Kate thought she had what she called ‘Hollywood face’. She complained that her makeup was over the top, and she looked more like a wax statue than a person!”

Kate Hudson? Wax statue? Gwyneth Paltrow? How would we know the difference?

You don’t hear much about Richard Gere these days. Oh, he still makes movies and stuff, but he’s kinda low profile. The last bit of gossip about him was that whole ugly marriage to Cindy Cardboard Crawford, and before that it was The Tale, er, Tail of the Gerbil.

Gere lays low in Hollywood these days, but ALLEGEDLY he loves the ladies—even though he’s married to Carey Lowell, and has children—and comes on to women, even in front of their husbands.

It seems that Richard Gere was told off by a diner at Nick & Toni’s in East Hampton when he started schmoozing the guy’s wife. When the husband had enough, he told Gere: “Get the %#@$ out of here,” but Gere kept talking to the woman.

An eyewitness—and it might have been Lohan before mama Dina beat her up—says, “He kept staring at this woman, to the point where her husband seemed agitated by it. He approached [their] table. He didn’t acknowledge anyone around her. He was leaning in and trying to talk to her, leaning into her ear.”

That’s when her husband told him to beat feet, but Gere didn’t get the message.

“He didn’t leave. He just tilted his head to lean in. He bent back down to her. He didn’t give a [bleep]. It was a bad situation.”

Finally Gere left—leaving the rest of his group to stay there another hour—and he was followed out by the woman’s husband, I guess to make sure he actually went home.

His representative is spinning it like this: “Reality is, he was at a table with his agents and their wives. On his way out, he stopped to say hi to the people at that table, and joked with the people briefly before leaving.”

Joked? Came on to? I guess Gere doesn’t know the difference, and any pretty woman is his pretty woman.

Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden have got to be the creepiest couple out there—and I’m including Teresa Giudice and her husband Joe.

The third season of Couples Therapy premiered last week, and the, um, “star’ couple this go-round is fifty-two-year-old actor, Doug Hutchison, and his eighteen-year-old wife of two years, Courtney “These are my real boobs” Stodden.

The other ‘stars’ are Nik Richie of The Dirty…who?...and his wife Shayne Lamas, Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen, recently fired from The Real Housewives of New York and desperately clinging to their Fifteen Minutes, and singer Joel ‘JoJo’ and Tashaunda Hailey.

Well, apparently JoJo called out Doug Hutchison for marrying such a young girl, and asks, “Do you have any kids.”

Doug says, in all seriousness, “This is my child. I’m raising my wife.”

Ick. Excuse me while I run out for a Silkwood scrubdown.

Now, maybe Hutchison was just trying to make an ill-advised joke, but this has all sorts of skeevy on it.

But one person on their side is show host, “Dr.” Jenn Berman, who says, “This is not a fake relationship. After spending three weeks with them, I think the biggest myth is that this is a publicity stunt, and it is not.”

I don’t think anyone thinks it’s fake, but most folks, dare I say all folks, except Stodden, Hutchison, and her parents, who gave their blessing when the 16-year-old married a man three times her age, think it’s sick.

Raising his wife?