Bobservations

Last Friday Carlos had a couple of translations in Magistrate Court in Lancaster and so my job was to Uber him up there, a task he described as romantic: driving up a two-lane highway to Lancaster South Carolina in the rain does not really strike me as romantic, but off we went.

The first case, the litigants never showed; the second case the litigants were given the chance to resolve their dispute without the judge and they did just that. So, while Carlos did get paid, he did no actual translations at all and as the judge was signing the paperwork he asked Carlos if there was anything else he could do and my sweet husband said:

“You could buy me dinner.”

I asked to spend the weekend in lockup out of embarrassment.

Seriously, though, the judge thought it funny.

This Tuxedo Says is from July 2021 …

Speaking of Tuxedo, he really likes humans, but he definitely doesn’t understand y’all …

Before anyone talks about “bombing fishing boats” or “stopping fentanyl from Venezuela,” here are the actual facts:

The closest point between Venezuela and the United States is 1,073 miles. That’s over a thousand miles of open ocean. A typical fishing boat would need 6–12 full tanks of fuel to even attempt that trip. It’s not a realistic trafficking route—it’s not even physically practical.

But the kicker is that virtually no fentanyl comes from Venezuela so why are we shooting boats out of the water and killing people? The idea that Venezuelan fishing boats are flooding the U.S. with fentanyl is not only just wrong—it’s physically impossible.

If we want to solve the fentanyl crisis, we have to start with facts, not myths.

This is a post about The Football, kind of, though, since it’s my blog it morphs into “Look!!! Hot Guy!!”

Last week Los Angeles Chargers quarterback Justin Herbert broke his left hand in a game  and a fan posted a photo of Herbert at practice wearing a protective glove, but it wasn’t the glove the readers were talking about:

“I’m not gay but that man is an absolute hotboy and I will fight anyone that disagrees.”

“I AM gay and I concur.”

I also concur. Even Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh can’t contain his man-crush on Herbert:

“There’s not one gene in his body I wouldn’t like immediately trade.”

Again, I concur. But there were more comments, like this one dubbed BoltBack Mountain:

“I’m not homosexual but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Justin Herbert. We won’t ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching him tighten his ass as he chops wood, shirtless, sweat pouring off his body. I’ll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Justin. I won’t be able to climax and I’ll eventually go back downstairs, angry. Sometimes we will look across the table and catch each other’s eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing. One day one of us will die, and the other will bury him outside the log cabin. Then he’ll go inside, pen a brief missive to his departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without his one true platonic love.”

Give me a minute, for some reason it got very hot in the house. Okay, here are some more comments:

“I’m not homosexual, Justin and I ... it’s different. It’s like ancient Greece, so like marble stuff all over. Pillars and like marble baths. Togas. He just kind of holds me, ya know? I have a wicker basket of grapes and I delicately offer him one grape at a time. Maybe he does a brief squeeze and giggles before feeding me a plump, juicy grape. Nothing sexual. No homo. Just the safety, the security of holding each other, nourishing one another with lush, purple, plump grapes.”

And the most amazing thing about this thread was that people played along with the spirit and didn’t post anything homophobic or rude; it was just a fun, albeit mighty hot, time:

“This whole thread could be compiled into a woman’s (or man’s, not that there’s anything wrong with that) erotic novel and probably be fairly successful. Even with that picture as the cover. Imagine seeing it on mee maw’s bedside table amongst the hard candies. As you gasp in awe of grandmas superb taste, she sees you, winks and whispers ‘bolt up.'”

As for the game itself, the Chargers expect Herbert to try and play. If so, fans watching ESPN and ABC can see what all the fuss is about.

And it's all about one very hot man in tight pants playing some kind of sportsball.

Now, on the flip side … Vice President CouchFucker has social media users cringing after telling a story about Cankles wanting to give him a new pair of shoes because JD’s were "sh***y shoes":

“Today I'm in the Oval Office with the President and … we're talking about something really important. The President kind of holds up his hand and says, ‘no, no, no, hold on a second. There's something much more important. Shoes.’ He peers over the Resolute desk and he says … JD, you …have sh***y shoes. He goes out and grabs a catalog … And he actually runs us through this incredible shoe catalog. The President is gifting us with… shoes.”

JD then tells Cankles that he wears a size 13:

"The President leans back in his chair and says, you know you can tell a lot about a man by his shoe size.”

And this is what happens when Cankles and the CouchFucker are in the Oval Office talking about “something” important … dick size. This is the clusterfuck in charge, these little dicked men.

The Reverend Stephen Josama of St. Susanna Parish in Dedham, Massachusetts is once again using the church’s Nativity scene to comment on the state of America in 2025. He fitted this year’s Nativity with a sign that reads: “ICE was Here” in place of the traditional figures and Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

In year’s past he used the Nativity to comment on climate change and gun control and, in 2018, during Cankles first attack on immigrants, put the Baby Jesus in a cage.

Nicely done, Rev

Andrea Denver is an Italian model, reality TV personality and entrepreneur known for his major modeling campaigns for Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren, MAC Cosmetics and as co-founder of the sustainable clothing brand Son of Wind ; that’s a lot, but let’s boil it down to Would You Hit It? 

Bobservations

The other night Carlos was Facetiming with his mother and, as they do, they chatted about the weather. His mother told him it was very cold in Mexico City, and she said it looked like it was cold here, too. Carlos said it wasn’t too cold, and she asked:

“Then why do you have a shirt with a thick fur collar?”

Carlos moved his head back and forth, and the collar adjusted itself; Tuxedo doesn’t like to be jostled while he’s sleeping.

Carlos’ mother could not stop laughing at his “collar”.

As you look around the political landscape, it becomes clear that, for some, the D or the R is a family trait. I am happy to say that when I became old enough to vote, I registered as a Democrat, which really didn’t bother my Republican parents. But then, as it should, in the early 90s, given the choice of Bill Clinton or George HW Bush, both of my parents switched parties, and stayed Democrats ever after.

I taught them well.

Lots of talk at our house about getting the vaccine and maybe taking a day trip, or quickie vacation,  somewhere for the first time in a year, and I think I’ve found the perfect spot.

Dick Island! Not it’s real name but still, there’s something about it that’s drawing me to it.

A woman named Joleen runs a Google Earth Facebook group and recently, while cruising around the globe virtually, she stumbled upon this Eden in the Pacific. The island is within the tropical Trinity Islands off the coast of French-owned New Caledonia, Oceania and is about 1600 feet long.

Perfect for you size queens, I’m guessing.

Just when you thought Rudy Giuliani couldn’t be a more disgusting pig of a man, he appeared on former presidential aide Steve Bannon’s podcast and told a high-larious story about playing golf with fellow disgusting pig of a man, Rush Limbaugh, and how Rush whined that the paparazzi were  following them. Rudy said the photographers were actually in pursuit of LPGA golfer Michelle Wie, because of her putting stance and how she “‘bends all the way over and her panties show.”

Wie heard the pig talk and smacked back:

“What this person should have remembered from that day. was the fact that I shot 64 and beat every male golfer in the field leading our team to victory. I shudder thinking that he was smiling to my face and complimenting me on my game while objectifying me and referencing my ‘panties’ behind my back all day. What should be discussed is the elite skill level that women play at, not what we wear or look like. My putting stance six years ago was designed to improve my putting stats (I ended up winning the US Open that year), NOT as an invitation to look up my skirt.”

Smack. Of course, when you’re as fucking ugly as Rudy Nosferatu Giuliani, perhaps the closest you get to a woman you didn’t order from a service, is looking up her skirt while she golfs.

A party shop in Texas has created a new piñata that looks like Ted Cruz slinking back home after being busted leaving Texas because he was too cold. And, like Ted Cruz, this one is filled with rot-your-teeth candy and, even more like Ted Cruz, the head is completely empty,

Now, buy one and beat the shit out of it!

I’ve asked before and I’m asking again: stop it with the word ‘moment,’ as in ‘This backyard needs a pool moment’ or ‘This outfit needs a cardigan moment’ or ‘This view really needs a moment,’ or “this room needs a red moment.”

Stop it.

In a virtual meeting, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau greeted President Biden like an old friend and slapped at the past:

"Thank you, again, for stepping up in such a big way on tackling climate change. U.S. leadership has been sorely missed over the past years."

Oh.The.Shade.

PS I could curl up in his hair and take a nap.

As I’ve said, Carlos and I love Jeopardy, and miss Alex Trebek. For nearly a month, Jeopardy’s biggest winner, Ken Jennings, has been the guest host, and done rather well. But this week, a new guest host, Mike Richards, stepped in because Jennings had other commitments and even though a bunch of celebs wanted to try their hand, there were concerns about traveling to Los Angeles because of COVID.

Richards is the executive producer of  both Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, as well as also being a gameshow host in the past, but what is most striking about Richards is that he is totally adorable. I mean, look at the brows!!!! Kidman is jealous of those brows.

Mike will host for the next two weeks before handing it over to :::ick::: Katie Couric and then Dr. Oz and then Aaron Rodgers.

Anderson Cooper is also tapped to host, but I think I like Mike. He floods my basement.

Deano Perona sounds like he’s a hot model from Italy or Spain or some such. He’s not; he’s a hot model from London.  He gives good face and looks like he’d be handy changing a tire …or at least nice to look at while changing a tire.

He can rock a teeny-weeny swimsuit, too, and has abs you can grate cheese on if you’re so inclined.

And lastly, as in the cases of most hot models, the less he wears the better he looks.

And Now For Something New: Ball Sacks and Dick Holes.

One thing I loathe about Facebook are the ads; you click on it, and then suddenly it’s all over your page and your News feed … like I really need another ad for lamps from Wayfair. Spoiler Alert: I don’t. But, apparently, one day I clicked on an ad for underwear, though I don’t know which one or why, and suddenly I am inundated with ads for Separatec Underwear.

It, um, separates your balls from your dick, so to speak. See, there’s a pouch in the crotch where your cradle your balls, and there right above the pouch, is a hole where you slip your dick. Oh, don’t worry, your dick isn’t just hanging out there free and easy; nope, they’re created sort of a hoodie for your dick.

Seriously. And they say you won’t get sweaty and your balls won’t stick to your dick, or vice versa, and …the real reason for the drawers … they keep your junk up front and center making it look larger than it is.

Just sayin’. Separatec. For when your balls and your dick want a little time apart.

Celebrities Talking Dick

Well, this ain’t no day for gossip, so thanks to the good folks over at Just Jared, it’s a day for Celebrities Talking Dick … their dicks. Let’s let them dish …

Jason Derulo posted a photo of himself stepping out of the water while wearing just a pair of form-fitting boxer briefs and Instagram deleted it for “nudity or sexual activity” causing Derulo to react:

“F**k u mean? I have underwear on… I can’t help my size.” 

No. He can’t.

Daniel Radcliffe was seen by thousands in the all-together when he appeared nude onstage in Equus; he wasn’t quite as happy with his manhood as Derulo:

“You tighten up like a hamster. The first time it happened, I turned around and went, ‘You know, there’s a thousand people here, and I don’t think even one of them would expect you to look your best in this situation.’ I am terribly self-conscious.”

Nude in front of thousands? Um, no thanks.

Justin Theroux was not at all self-conscious when he slipped into a pair of gray sweatpants clearly going commando in the HBO series The Leftovers:

“When I went to get my wardrobe for the second jogging scene way later, there was my jogging pants and there was two pairs of underwear in the dressing room and [the staff] were like, ‘They want you to wear them both.’”

Maybe he needed a third pair?

Michael Fassbender famously went full frontal in the movie Shame and when he presented an award to Charlize Theron in 2012 she said:

“Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it anytime. I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I have worked with them.”

I’d also like to work with Fassbender’s dick. Just sayin’.

Jon Hamm. A few years ago, photos of Hamm with a huge bulge in his pants went viral online and the term Hamaconda was born:

“It was a topic of fascination for other people, certainly not me. By the way, as rumors go, not the worst.”

Not by a long shot.

Jason Momoa didn’t reveal this tidbit about his dick, his on-screen love interest from Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke, did.

“I saw his member, but it was covered in a pink fluffy sock. Showing it would make people feel bad. It’s too fabulous.”

What a lovely compliment. And a pink fluffy sock sounds cozy.

Enrique Iglesias is one of the few celebrities who isn’t afraid to admit that he’s not packing:

“What does Spanish good looks have to do with the size of your penis? Maybe I have the Spanish looks, but I have the smallest penis in the world. I’m serious.”

Hey, as long as it reaches where it wants to go, right?

Colin Farrell very famously had a sex tape leaked online years back, so many of us has enjoyed his goods; he also shot a nude scene for Alexander, but, sadly, he didn’t end up going full frontal in that:

“I know the reason that it was cut out was that it just wasn’t right. If anything, it’s a beautiful, gentle moment—and a f–king large c–k with huge balls, is just f–king jarring.”

You say jarring, I say “Well, helloooooo … “

Adrian Grenier once hooked up with Bachelor ‘star’ Courtney Robertson and she talked about his manhood; later, appearing on WWHL, Andy Cohen asked Grenier about it:

“She said you had the biggest dick she’s ever seen.”

Grenier responded,

 “I was just glad she got the size right. And she’s seen a couple of them, huh.”

Oh, the shade!

Justin Timberlake worked with Patricia Clarkson  in the 2011 movie Friends with Benefits and she saw him in the buff:

“Yeah… I had the good fortune to get to see him… all there. They were shooting a scene that he couldn’t keep anything on. And he is a… gorgeous man.”

But, from what I’ve heard, a lot of folks have seen it.

Shia LaBeouf talked about his manhood while discussing a trip to Finland:

“For a person who’s not extremely well-endowed, who’s kinda insecure about my own junk, there’s something about sitting naked with a Sami native in a hut getting warm right away before you say ‘hello.”

Well, at least your dick didn’t stand up and wave, eh?

Justin Bieber had photos of himself nekkid go viral, and his own father commented about being “proud” of his son. Ick. Justin, on the other hand, said:

“I was scared. I first saw the one with the black bar over it. I was like, ‘Oh my God. I just got out of the water. Shrinkage is real.’ No, no. That’s as big as she gets.”

Little Justin is real.

Pete Davidson never talked his own dick, but ex-girlfriend Ariana Grande did in a since-deleted tweet when a fan asked her, “how long Pete is.” Her response: 

“Like 10 inches? …oh f–k …i mean…like a lil over a minute.”

Ten inches and a minute? Nothing to boast about, you know.

Pete Wentz once said he doesn’t like his own junk:

“I’m not a real big fan of penises. Like my own, whenever I look at it, I just don’t find anything attractive about it. I can’t believe girls are into it. It blows my mind a little bit.”

Well, if you’re just getting your mind blown, you’re doing it all wrong. Let’s talk, Pete.

Jason Segel went full frontal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and co-star Mila Kunis talked about his size:

“I want it on the record, okay? It’s a nice dick. Well proportioned. Handsome. I have nothing but good things to say about Jason Segel’s penis.”

To this day Segel’s penis stands tall.

Scott Rogowsky, who hosts the trivia app HQ, has talked about his manhood several times:


In 2015: “FUN FACT: My penis is of below-average length and girth.” 


In 2018: “I’m not, uh, exactly blessed in the crotch department, and when I first became sexually active and started using condoms, I found the standard issue to be a little … baggy.”


Again, as long as it fits where it wants to fit … but baggy might be a good look in pants, but penises? Not so much.

Jared Leto doesn’t talk about his penis, but the late Alexis Arquette once talked of hooking up with Leto:

“I had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male. And, yes, it’s not only massive; it’s like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.”

Oh my …. That’s a real compliment.

Orlando Bloom is often seen in the nude, paddle-boarding of all things, and commented on his size after the photos went viral:

“It is really not that big. Things are expanded on cameras with a big optical lens. It is an optical illusion.”

Like a magic trick? It’s done with mirrors?

Howard Stern says  he is “hung like a pimple”:

“I think I might as well be up front about it. No guy will ever admit to having a small penis. I just went on the record. I might be one of the smallest guys in the world.”

Hey, if it works for you …

Johnny Knoxville, Jackass star, talked about the size of his manhood almost two decades ago:

“I have a penis like an egg in a nest. It looks like a light switch. Seriously.”

I guess you just have to flick it to turn it on?

Tom Arnold. His ex-wife Roseanne Barr said once that he has a three-inch penis:

“My penis is fine. Maybe because I undersell it. If someone expects petite and gets medium, they’re impressed.”

And probably, while appearing alongside Roseanne, any penis would look extra small.

Ricky Gervais once said:

“I don’t want to go into it but I’m not built, its average, I’m 5 foot 8 it’s in proportion, don’t worry about it. I’d look weird with a foot long knob wouldn’t I? It’d be ridiculous, also I’d faint if I got an erection as all the blood would be in there. It’s fine, it’s fine, really it’s average.”

Still, a foot-long might make Ricky less mean?


And there you have it, the ISBL Celebrity Dick Edition. Any of those interest you, and if not, which dick would you like?


Asking for a friend.