It's Snarkurday!

After her arrest last weekend for being a drunk trying to have sex in someone else’s hotel room, and shrieking at the police, “I will fucking kill you all,” Luann de Lesseps made a New Year’s resolution: to go to rehab:

“After the events of last Saturday night in Palm Beach, I am truly embarrassed. I have decided to seek professional guidance and will be voluntarily checking into an alcohol treatment center. I intend to turn this unfortunate incident into a positive life changing event. Once again, I sincerely apologize for my actions. I have the greatest respect for police officers and the job they do.  My actions alleged in the police report do not reflect my core values and my law-abiding character. I am so grateful for the love and support that I am receiving from my family, friends and loyal supporters.”

Funny, she didn’t think to seek rehab after spending an entire episode of RHoNY drinking so much she fell off a patio ... twice. 

And she postponed her rehab so she could perform her nightclub act, so clearly, it’s not a priority.

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Rumer Willis, what were you thinking?

She’s having a tattoo removed; a tattoo removed, a tattoo of her and Dancing With the Stars’ Val Chmerkovskiy embracing that she had inked on her arm after they won the show.

Now, the odd thing is, there was never a romance between the pair, but Rumer inked herself anyway, until she learned that Chmerkovskiy had started dating fellow DWTS pro Jenna Johnson.

She wasn’t as upset, though, when Chmerkovskiy dated Amber Rose for a half minute, but this relationship with Johnson made her rethink the ink and go under the laser.

Perhaps, next time, she should think before inkcuz that's a big ass tat.

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Oh, Mariah Carey did try and redeem herself after last year’s d-s-sastrous New Year’s Eve performance when she basically tottered around the stage on her high heels like a lost Times Square hooker.

So, this year she performed again, and while she did remember the words to her own songs, she sounded a bit like veteran character actor Broderick Crawford while she warbled through Hero.

But, the best part was when she went in search of a cup of hot tea to sip on and when she couldn’t find it, she declared that to be a real disaster:

“Happy New Year, I just want to take a sip of tea, if they let me. They told me there would be tea…Oh! It’s a disaster. Okay, well, we’ll just have to rough it. I’m going to be like everybody else, with no hot tea.” 

Says the woman wrapped in a fur court to the crowd who waited outside in the frigid temperatures for hours to hear her croak a tune.

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Speaking of divas, Taylor Swift’s latest album, Reputation, returned to the #1 spot on Billboard charts over Christmas, which probably made her squee with delight, but …

As for the Reputation Tour, fans are pissed off by the jacked-up prices to watch TayTay lip-sync-and-dance.

Ticketmaster confirms that none of the dates has sold out yet, because, while her last tour saw ticket prices of $150 this time Swifty wants her fans to cough up $500 to hear her sing.

Which is about $499.99 too much.

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Hoda Kotb made history by landing sexual predator Matt Lauer’s old Today Show gig, but she isn’t making nearly as many coins as the perv.

Kotb will make about $18 million less per year than Lauer, which I guess means if you sexually harass women you get a huge check, but if you are a woman, well, here’s some scraps.

Still, Kotb’s $7 million a year check is about a third of what NBC is paying Megyn Kelly, who is about the worst thing to hit the network since Matt Lauer installed that self-locking door in his office.

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In other Swifty news, maybe it looks like one of Taylor’s Girl Squad or Posse or Gang or whatever it is they call themselves, has been deprogrammed and joined the rest of us in the real world … or, worse for Swift, in Katy Perry’s world.

Former Swift BFF Karlie Kloss posted a photo to Instagram that may … or may not … have used lyrics from that Swifty’s archrival Katy Perry’s classic Swish Swish.

If you don’t remember … and who doesn’t … Swish Swish was Katy’s clapback at Swifty’s Bad Blood, a ditty about mean girls who steal backup dancers from blow-up kewpie dolls.

And that’s the word Karlie used in her Instagram post, and that clearly signaled the end of Karlie and TayTay 4 Evah.

Especially when Swifty’s army of prepubescent teen girls and boys went after Karlie for the double swish.

Seriously.

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We learned that Hoda Kotb will be doing Matt Lauer’s old job, but for many, many, many millions of dollars less, but there’s more about the creeper Lauer.

Apparently, the out of work pervert has been firing off notes to producers of The Today Show offering up his unsolicited feedback on the latest episodes … like the email he recently sent a producer saying that he felt they had used the wrong music to kick off a segment.

I know; he’s run out of town for sexual harassing and abusing women, his wife has left him, and taken the kids, but he sits alone in his Hamptons manse stroking his Little Matt and watching the Today show looking for things that bother him.

Howsabout looking in a mirror, asshat?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But .... A 'Stupid Girl' Edition

Oh Lindsay, why do you speak off-the-cuff? You're a line-reader; you should not be talking, Tweeting, Instagramming; nothing.

Remember her tweet to Obama after this Tweet from him:

“I’ve cut taxes for those who need it: middle-class families, small businesses.”

Lohan tweeted back:

“@BarackObama we also need to cut them for those that are listed on Forbes as “millionaires” if they are not, you must consider that as well.” 

I know! And now she’s wading into the waters of politics again, only this time into Brazilian presidential politics. Tweeting this:

“I support @aecioNeves, for presidential candidature [sic]. His platform brings positive changes in Brazil.”

Lohan says she has a good reason for supporting Neves because her “Brazilian contacts” like the guy and — “she has plenty of contacts there and has several business trips to the country.”

What Lohan failed to mention is that Neves owns a company that owns a helicopter that was seized by the federal police because it was carrying 4.5 tons of cocaine.

Oh. Cocaine. Lohan. I get it now.

Bruce Jenner so graciously revealed his new girlfriend — his soon-to-be ex-wife's former bestie — this past week, and since That Woman is not to be outdone, ever, she trotted out her own new love interest at once!

Kris Jenner has been spotted out and about with the dude who is said to be her newest acquisition, er, boyfriend, and he’s none other than Corey Gamble, who works with Scooter Braun who is part of Justin Bieber’s team.

Expect a sex tape with That Woman and that little boy soon, because that’s how those two roll.

Or maybe it’s a set-up so That Woman can keep her name out there, because Cory Gamble said this about the photos:

“I don’t know how anyone had those pics because no one was seated across from us. That worries me and I’m hoping it’s not a setup from Kris because I do really like her.”

Kris Jenner? Set up a photo op? Why, I can’t believe it!

So, Bruce and Demi’s daughter, Rumer Willis. Well, she’s not what you might call a classic beauty, but, you know, she must have “something” because designer Franziska Fox hired Willis for her 2015 lookbook.

You’d think Rumer would be thrilled for the job, but when the photos came out she’d been photoshopped to within an inch of her chin and is now saying:

“I think I would have felt very differently if I was a model who was hired to be a part of the brand. I get that there are certain things they want to change or whatever. But, if you’re hiring me to be a representative of your brand and you’re changing who I am – like drastically changing how I look [while] everybody knows how I look [by] taking away the muscle. I just thought it was odd, you know? My stylist told me about it and I was like, ‘Well, that’s fucked up.’ Then I immediately called my manager and said, ‘You know, this is unacceptable, because that’s not what I want to put out in the world and what I want to represent anyway.’”

First off: Rumer Willis isn’t a model? I’m devastated because … okay, I kid. Still, she’s upset about what they did to her face? Look what they made her wear!

That’s a travesty.

More Lohan … Lindsay has been starring in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow over there to London town and it’s been a rocky ride, what with her not knowing her lines, or her cues, or the audience openly laughing during her performance.

But now this … While Lohan’s much-hyped stage debut garnered a lot of press, and a huge audience at the beginning, now tickets for the play are on deep discount, nearly half off, according to ads in the papers:

“Save 50% on tickets to ‘Speed-the-Plow’ starring Lindsay Lohan. Top price seats were £59.50, now just £29.75, saving you 50% when you book by Saturday,”

And some tickets can be had for $24.00! Why, that’s not enough to keep the star in vodka for more than half an hour.

And then, oddly enough, with ticket prices falling faster than her career, Lindsay  Tweeted that she couldn’t make the night’s performance because she was too “ill.”

Uh huh.

Remember a few years back when Kanye showed up at the MTV Video Awards with the bottle of brown juice on the Red Carpet? And then he stole the microphone away from Taylor Swift so he could publicly kiss Beyoncé’s ass? I kinda liked him then, because anyone who can take the spotlight off that Auto-tuned-Aw-Shucks-Gee-Whiz-Who-Me-Can’t-Sing kewpie doll is okay in my book. But this isn’t about those tools; it’s about the tool who married the tool who brought the brown juice to the show, Kim Kardastrophe.

Kim is tired of not being taken seriously — after all she’s Mister Kanye West — and she is now blaming her “reality” show for putting a negative connotation on all she has accomplished; in the words of the immortal Barbara Walters, “Wet’s wisten in ….”

“I pride myself with my work ethic, and I work really hard. I think when people hear that I might have gotten success off of a ‘reality show,’ they take that as a negative. We’re in our tenth season. We have more episodes than ‘I Love Lucy.’”

A-a-and we’ll stop. She’s comparing herself to Lucy? Seriously? I don’t remember exactly how Lucy got the role on her iconic comedy show that has been airing around the world from some sixty-plus years, but I’m sure it wasn’t because she  released a tape of herself flat on her back, heels to God, being schtupped by one of Desi Arnaz’ roadies.

But she doesn’t stop there y’all …

“I wake up every single day at 6 am, and go to the gym, get my daughter up, feed my baby, film all day, sometimes don’t finish until 8 or 9 pm, and that’s every single day, six days a week, for five months straight while we’re filming … I don’t think reality TV gets the respect it “

A-a-and we’re stopping again. She.Works.Hard. She has to go to the gym! She has to wake up her own child!! She has to walk around, dragging that enormous ass, while cameras follow her! She gets paid $500,000 by Tao nightclub in Vegas to appear at her own birthday party!

It looks like Kimmie has been nipping at the brown juice, too.

WTF? Rumer Willis

Dear Rumer Willis,

I know you have famous parents and I know you consider yourself a bit famous, even though i have no idea what it is you do, but, seriously, do you need the attention so badly that you'll walk out the house in some kinda Edward Scissorhands looking mess?

Don't.

Sincerely,

Bob

PS: And if you're gonna do the cut-outs, make sure your little pink panties don't show, m'kay?