Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize the world would be a better place if everyone took a chill pill, and it would get even better if some of them choked on it

… that most people don’t realize that fake laughing with a client is a highly prized job skill

… that I spend a lot of time wondering if I’m going to let it slide or start something when we all know I’m going to start something.

… that the older I get the easier it is for me too look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that I am so anti-social that I will reschedule the same phone call eight times hoping they’ll just text instead.

… that I actually love it when people think they’re punishing me by not talking to me

… that sometimes simply saying “Hi” can be the beginning of three years of trauma and so that’s why I don’t reply.

… that people need to know that my body is a filter; coffee goes in and sarcasm comes out.

… that hitting the gym to relieve stress is never quite as effective as hitting the people who stressed me out in the first place.

… that you should forgive your enemy but never forget the bastard’s name

Why Is It ...

… that whenever someone says to me, “Your face looks very familiar,” I say, “I know, I’d had it my whole life.”

… that sometimes, in a stressful situation, I say to myself, “Stay calm, jessica.” I know my name isn’t Jessica, but anyway ….

… that I wish I had become a librarian just for the joy of telling people to shut up.

… that I sometimes wish I could meet someone again for the very first time … and walk right past them.

… that if people think I’m cool I tell them, Wake me up from a nap for no reason and see how uncool I can be.

… that I have decided to start telling people to “land your plane” if they’re going talk in circles.

… that I am humble enough to know that I am replaceable at work yet confident enough to know that it would take three or four people.

… that when people ask what sign I am, I say, “Stop sign. Leave me alone.”

… that people need to know they should never argue with me as the only difference between me and a psych ward patient is that I am at home!

Why Is it ...

… that even though they call them Stress Balls I am not supposed to throw them at people who are stressing me out.

… that I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a rat’s ass about your opinion of me.

… that you need to know I haven’t lost my mind; half of it wandered off and the other half went looking for it.

… that my favorite part of the job is lunch break, clocking out, and pay day.

… that I often find myself lying in bed at 3AM  and realizing I should have said something else in an argument I had in 2012.

… that some people underestimate my ability to delete your number and then act like we’ve never met.

… that I ask myself, Am I perfect? And I say No. And then I ask myself if I do my best and try to keep a good attitude, and the answer is also No.

… that people don’t understand that Facetiming me is for Premium Members only.

… that when I see anyone with six piercings or more at a store it takes everything I have not to attach a shower curtain to their face.

… that the older I get the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Why Is It ...

… that it’s been a wild year this week?

… that as I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself … maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

… that when I die I don’t want y’all looking for me in sunsets or butterflies or wildflowers. Look behind you, that’s me chasing you up the stairs.

… that I stress about stress before there’s even stress to stress about, then I stress about stressing over stress that doesn’t need to stressed about? It’s stressful.

… that I want all of you who signed my 8th grade yearbook and told me to ‘Stay cool’ to know that I did.

… that I count my work days like I’m in jail. Three more wake ups and I’m free!  

… that things you find offensive I often find hilarious? And why does it make me happier than you?

… that when I was just 5-years-old a bear told me only I could prevent forest fires; why I was chosen I will never know.

Bobservations

I’ve said before that Carlos uses Voice Over and Siri on his phone and both are set somewhat loudly so he can hear them. The other morning I joked that he and his “team” are too loud and he was confused.

“When I’m back in the office, and you’re practicing your trumpet in the sunroom, I hear Siri count down your timer, and I also hear you ask her to tell you a joke.”

“You do not.”

“And then, when I’m in bed and you come into the room, you turn off Voice Over and it yells:

“VOICE OVER OFF.”

“And you ask Siri to set a 7AM alarm and she says: YOUR 7AM ALARM IS SET.”

“I’ve been trying to do that before I come back to bed.”

“And I can still hear you. Maybe you should go up the driveway to the street and give your commands.”

“Maybe I will.”

“But then you’ll wake the entire neighborhood.”

That stunned him  into silence.

This Tuxedo Memory is from July 2015

“A Bit of Tuxedo

He doesn't like Daddy on the computer and he hates when Daddy takes his picture.

And these are either from the fireworks ... he hates the booms ... or, again:

"For the love of God, Daddy, put down the camera, I'm just a cat!"

Oh Tucky, you are more than just a cat.”

And he was the Best Cat Ever.

Inmate # P01135809’s new joint fundraising agreement with the Republican National Committee [RNC] directs donations to his campaign and to a PAC that pays the criminal’s legal bills before the RNC gets a cut.

The illegal-sounding diversion of funds to the Save America PAC makes it more likely that GOP donors could see their money go to lawyers for the criminal, who have already received some $76 million over the last two years to defend him against four felony indictments and multiple civil cases. And some Republicans are worried that the criminal’s takeover of the RNC could shortchange the cash-strapped party, making it harder for them to run for office.

Good. These asshats thought they were hooking their wagons to the savior of the party but they’re now chained to the man who will bankrupt the RNC like he does most of his businesses.

Little known fact: in the years before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home. You’re welcome. 

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife MacKenzie Scott is once again opening her wallet to donate some of her billions to worthy causes, which has the rightwingnuts crying foul.

Scott announced that she will donate $122 million to 67 migrant-advocacy organizations for legal aid and other assistance; she will also give $117 million to 67 prisoner-advocacy groups and other organizations helping prisoners and ex-convicts, and will donate $72 million to 43 groups that promote “gender identity,” “sexual orientation” and other LGBTQ causes.

In a world full of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk be like MacKenzie Scott because that’s how you billionaire.

During an appearance on “Hot Ones” former actor and current annoyance to the world Gwyneth Paltrow was asked about a long-standing rumor that former President Bill Clinton slept through a White House screening of her 1996 film, “Emma.”

“True. He was snoring right in front of me. I was like, ‘Wow, I guess this is going to be a real hit movie.’ But it was, so f–k you, Bill Clinton!”

If Goop is gonna cuss out everyone who falls asleep during any of her films, she’ll be touring the world and dropping f-bombs for all eternity and won’t have any time to make her vagina scented candles.

Moving through the probate process is a tedious experience; it’s a lot of hurry up and wait. The attorney who drafted my father’s will is the one I hired to manage the process and I would occasionally get stressed out, wondering if I was doing the right thing at the right time. But I was assured that it’s just a slow process but will be over before I know it and then this happened …

While at work on Monday I got a phone call from the lawyer’s legal assistant and she told me she had bad news.

Stress level up! The attorney I hired … died.

Seriously. He contracted pneumonia and was hospitalized at which time they discovered he also had leukemia, and he passed very quickly.

Stress level way up! But, his assistant talked me down, I offered her and his wife my condolences, and was directed toward a new attorney to take on the probate. Hopefully, there won’t be much longer time to complete the process.

Fingers crossed.

Nathan Slaten is a model and actor and dancer, and perhaps horny gay man, but Would You Hit It?