The Funny Papers

Pedro X Molina, Bill Day, Deb Milbrath, Nick Anderson, Tim Campbell, Matt Wuerker, Jeffrey Koterba, Ratt, Bill Bramhall, Clay Bennett, David Cohen

I Didn't Say It ...

Bernie Sanders, on the GOP fondness for bailing out the wealthy while utterly ignoring their base:

“I find it interesting that for my Republican colleagues, when it comes to tax breaks for the rich and [for] corporations—that’s okay. But when you demand that we invest in the working families of this country, well, suddenly the sky is falling. I’m tired of that hypocrisy.”

If only there was some way to get MAGAts to listen to reason … Oh, who am I kidding? MAGAts are buying bibles from a rapist racist and shoes from China because a con artist told them to do it.

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Mitt Romney, GOP Senator from Utah, on Hair Furor’s criminal trial and the jury:

“I think everybody has made their own assessment of [Hair Furor]’s character and so far as I know, you don’t pay someone $130,000 not to have sex with you.”

Snap, Mittsy!

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Jon Ossoff, Georgia Democrat Senator, on the GOP bending over for Hair Furor to kill a bipartisan border bill:

“No one, and I mean no one, is interested in lectures on border security from Republicans. In one of the most stunning acts of political cowardice, a bipartisan border security bill was denied even a debate on the floor, because [Hair Furor] told Republicans to kill it.”

The GOP never even mentions the border until an election cycle and then it becomes the greatest threat to America … Remember the caravans?

They won’t ever fix the border because their base is so ignorant they don’t see that the GOP is the Do-Nothing Party.

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Jared Moskowitz, Democrat Representative from Florida, speaking on Fox News Sunday about Moscow Marge:

“What Marjorie Taylor Greene and what Thomas Massie and what Paul Gosar are trying to accomplish by removing the Speaker of the House in this very moment, after October 7, would only embolden China, it would only embolden Russia, it would only embolden Iran. She’s not a serious legislator, quite frankly. That’s why I think the way we’ve been treating her now is she is Putin’s special envoy to Congress. The idea that she would criticize anybody else that somehow we’re not respecting America. The way you disrespect America, is not by standing by our allies, not by strengthening us.”

Marge is a Putin puppet; I imagine she is already trying to build a gym in Russia and trying to get him to join, so she can fuck him, too, since that’s her MO.

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William Barr, attempting to justify this week’s announcement that he’ll be voting for the man who recently attacked him:

“I think this is a terrible choice for the country, but it is a choice. At the end of the day, we have to select between two different individuals. And I’ve said all along that I think it’s my duty to pick the person I think will do the least harm to the country. And I and I think that that to me, that’s clearly [Hair Furor] and the Republican administration, which I think is important. I think, you know, getting control over the border, stopping the lawlessness in our cities, building up the strength of the United States and an ever, more dangerous world, stop the avalanche of regulation that is strangling, business and our and our technological superiority. These are critical things that have to be done. And I think that we’ll get them done under a [Hair Furor] administration. At the same time, I think the Biden administration, it is, in fact, the greater threat to democracy. I think they have a totalitarian temper. They have bought into the progressive movement, and they’re trying to squelch opposition and freedom of speech.”

Barr has said that the man who called him “dumb, weak, slow moving, lethargic, gutless and a lazy, a RINO who couldn’t do the job” is the man he supports to run the country.

Oh, and right after Barr endorsed him, Hair Furor once again called him lazy and fat and stupid.

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Reverend Benjamin Cremer, a Man of God, on Christianity in America today:

“Christianity in the United States doesn’t need more political power. It needs less arrogance. It needs less entitlement. It needs less animosity towards those who are different. It needs more humility. It needs more generosity. It needs more compassion and understanding.”

This is how you Christian, not with Hate and Judgement and Political Power.

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I Didn't Say It

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., running for president, repeating an old Alex Jones lunatic claim about trans boys:

“I think a lot of the problems we see in kids, particularly boys, it’s probably underappreciated on that how much of that is coming from chemical exposures, including a lot of the sexual dysphoria that we’re seeing. I mean, they’re swimming through a soup of toxic chemicals today, and many of those are endocrine disruptors. There’s atrazine throughout our water supply.”

Yes, trans is in the water. Dear Baby Jeebus, save us from this brand of Robert Q. Kennedy crazy.

Odd, though, he doesn’t say what makes girls “turn” trans.

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Nikki Haley, 2024 Republican presidential candidate and certified Flip-Flopper, says she would be “inclined” to pardon Thing 45 if he is convicted of federal crimes:

“We need to see exactly what happened. But when you look at a pardon, the issue is less about guilt and more about what’s good for the country and I think it would be terrible for the country to have a former president in prison for years because of a documents case. That’s something you’ve seen in a third-world country.”

Three days and three different thoughts from braindead Nimrata Haley.

First she said there was no case at all and it was a politically motivated case.

Then she said if the charges were true, Thing 45 was “incredibly reckless” and “put our military men and women in danger” including, as she said, her own husband who was about to be deployed again.

And now she says she’d pardon the man whose reckless behavior put the lives of many at risk.

Nimrata can fuck all the way off.

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Tim Burchett, G OP congressman from Tennessee—a state not known for intelligent representation—claiming giants are real because they’re in the bible:

“I’ve never seen a UFO, but they’re in the bible. I mean, read the first chapter of Ezekiel. It’s the King James version, it’s a translation, but it describes a wheel within a wheel. It describes what you and I would call the classic saucer shape UFO. It’s in the bible. It’s in hieroglyphics. It’s in, you know, Dark Ages paintings. It’s there.”

Burchett has also blamed a mass shooting in his own state on a lack of Jesus in public schools, and then claimed that “people who pray” never commit mass shootings. He’s also best known for saying that there’s simply no way to “fix” the epidemic of mass shootings.

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William Barr, on his former boss, Criminal Grifter:

“It started out under the Presidential Records Act and the Archives trying to retrieve documents that [he] had no right to have. But it quickly became clear that what the government was really worried about were these classified and very sensitive documents. And so the government’s agenda was to get those, protect those documents, and get them out. And I think it was perfectly appropriate to do that. It was the right thing to do. And I think the counts under the Espionage Act that he willfully retained those documents are solid counts. I do think that even half of what Andy McCarthy said, which is if even half of it is true, then he’s toast. I mean, it’s a pretty, it’s a very detailed indictment, and it’s very, very damning.”

This, coming from Thing 45’s most notorious henchman is quite telling.

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Demi Lovato, on why she switched back to identifying as she/her:

“I constantly had to educate people and explain why I identified with those pronouns. It was absolutely exhausting. I just got tired. But for that very reason I know that it is important to continue spreading the word.”

Really? It got too hard to explain? Doesn’t really sound like you identified as they/them as much as you identified as media whore.

It saddens me because an ALLEGED ally thinks it’s just a flick of a switch. Think of all those people begging to be accepted as gender nonbinary and being called all sorts of names, and Demi just changes her mind.

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I Didn't Say It

Vicki Hartzler, Missouri GOP Representative, literally weeping over the final vote for the Respect for Marriage Act:

“This hollow amendment provides no tangible protections for religious schools. No protections for faith-based adoption or foster care agencies. No protections for Christian businesses who contract with the government. And no protections for civil servants that justly believe marriage is between a man and a woman. The bill’s implications: submit to our ideology or be silenced. This is yet another step toward the Democrats’ goal of dismantling the traditional family, silencing voices of faith and permanently undoing our country’s God-woven foundation. This is the Democrats’ priority.”

Oh Vicki, kindly shut your fucking yap. This holier-than-thou-woe-is-me bullshit about your faith and your marriage being attacked because LGBTQ+ want a little equality goes against every single fucking thing Jesus ever stood for.

Love and equality, Vicki, you dumb, dumb bitch. Not the story from the Bible you read which is about white hate-filled Jesus loving only white Bible thumping prigs.

Fuck off Vicki. Fuck all thew way off and save your pathetic tears for when you go home and snuggle up to your husband and he says, for the thousandth time “Not tonight dear, I have a headache from all your Bible thumping hate.”

Fuck.Off.

Why does she enrage me, you might ask? Well, for starters … Vicky Hartzler is one of the most vicious opponents of LGBTQ+ rights in Congress.

She has hosted ex-gay torture advocates in her office right after Congressman Ted Lieu introduced a bill to ban the practice.

She publicly pressured Amazon to resume selling books by the now-dead Joseph Nicolosi, the father of ex-gay torture.

Before being elected to Congress, Hartzler headed the Missouri Coalition to Protect Marriage, which in 2004 backed the successful campaign to install a statewide constitutional ban on same-sex marriage.

Hartzler has compared same-sex marriage to incest and pedophilia.

Vicki Hartzler can kiss my white ass.

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Nikki Haley, former South Carolina governor and former US Ambassador to the United Nations, on a possible 2024 presidential run:

“A lot of people have asked if I’m gonna run for president. Now that the midterms are over, I’ll look at it in a serious way and I’ll have more to say soon. For now, I’ll say this. I’ve won tough primaries and tough general elections. I’ve been the underdog every single time. When people underestimate me, it’s always fun. But I’ve never lost an election. And I’m not gonna start now.”

Oh Nikki, you ass. You may not have ever lost an election but that was before you said in 2015 that Thing 45 had no business being president, and then became one of his lapdogs the minute he asked; and in 2021 you blamed him for stoking the insurrection and that he had no place in the GOP, but then said you’d support him if he ran.

You can’t make up your mind or even keep to a cogent opinion.

Sit down.

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Chris Christie, former New Jersey GOP governor, wants the party to move on from Thing 45:

“It is time to stop whispering. It is time to stop being afraid of any one person. It is time to stand up for the principles and the beliefs that we have founded this party on and this country on. We keep losing and losing and losing, and the fact of the matter is the reason we’re losing is because [Thing 45] has put himself before everyone else.”

Keep in mind that Christie has long been a Thing 45 supporter and is only speaking out now because he’s seeing cracks in Thing 45’s hold on the party.

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Bill Barr, suggesting indictments are coming for Thin g 45:

“If a former president commits a crime ... they should be indicted for it. If the Department of Justice can show that these were indeed very sensitive documents, which I think they probably were, and also show that the president consciously was involved in misleading the department, deceiving the government, and playing games after he had received the subpoena for the documents, those are serious charges ... I personally think that they probably have the basis for legitimately indicting the [former] president ... I think they probably have the evidence that would check the box. They have the case ... the argument for doing it is that if you let someone like this who, you know—if the facts are as raw as they may be and you let someone get away with it, how can you protect these secrets? How can you insist on people in government taking this stuff seriously? So, you know, that’s an important thing to weigh, as well as what it will do to the country and to the office of the presidency. And I think Merrick Garland is going to have to make that call.”

Roundabout way of not really saying anything at all.

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Charlie Kirk, self-proclaimed Christian nationalist—or as I call them, Nationalist Christians because you shorten it to Nat-C’s—on the trouble with families:

“I think the American family’s breaking because of this subsidized, prolonged adolescence of infant boy—of like infant men of 26, 27-year-olds. I’m telling you, young men need to be treated a lot harsher than they are right now. And I know this, that sounds bad. They need to be challenged, put out into the wild, figure it out. You know, go, reach deep down and understand if you have testosterone or not, and then build something of value. At Turning Point USA, we now have a men’s summit where we—and our men’s summit is very different than our women’s summit—our women’s summit is really fun. And my wife speaks at the women’s summit, and you know, women come from across the country and they’re wearing dresses, lots of pink. Our men’s summit is out in the woods, no phones. We deprive you of calories, of sleep, we break you and we teach you something, and then you learn how to become a man.”

So, men spend time with men in the woods and women wear pink dresses? Charlie sounds like a closeted homo looking for alone time with a burly young man in flannel who likes to be treated harshly, while his wife stays home and cooks and cleans.

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Rick Scott, GOP Florida Senator and healthcare fraudster, thinks only Christians should be allowed to immigrate to America:

“Why don’t we have a legal immigration system for the people that want to come and live our dream, that want to live, that believe in our Judeo-Christian values? All right? Why don’t we want more? If we’re going to have more immigration, all right, let’s do that. These people that we have no idea what their background is, like in Afghanistan. We brought 79,000 people here from Afghanistan. Did we vet them? No! 79,000 were brought here, only because they were at the airport. 79,000 people. We didn’t vet them. We gave them American IDs. We have no idea where they are.”

Of course, because Christians don’t murder people, sell drugs, rape women, cheat and lie. I mean all one need do is look at all the Christians in Congress to know that … oh, wait, never mind.

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Meme Dump

I Didn't Say It

President Biden, on the passing of Queen Elizabeth II:

“In a world of constant change, she was a steadying presence and a source of comfort and pride for generations of Britons, including many who have never known their country without her. An enduring admiration for Queen Elizabeth II united people across the Commonwealth. Queen Elizabeth II was a stateswoman of unmatched dignity and constancy who deepened the bedrock Alliance between the United Kingdom and the United States. She helped make our relationship special. She helped Americans commemorate both the anniversary of the founding of Jamestown and the bicentennial of our independence. And she stood in solidarity with the United States during our darkest days after 9/11, when she poignantly reminded us that ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. Her legacy will loom large in the pages of British history, and in the story of our world. She was the first British monarch to whom people all around the world could feel a personal and immediate connection—whether they heard her on the radio as a young princess speaking to the children of the United Kingdom, or gathered around their televisions for her coronation, or watched her final Christmas speech or her Platinum Jubilee on their phones, and she, in turn, dedicated her whole life to their service.”

We certainly won’t ever see another monarch reign for so long. Was she perfect? No; she made some mistakes and missteps. But while that might have been infuriating,  it’s also what made her human.

RIP

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Jamie Raskin, Democrat Congressman, agreeing that President Biden is right about Thing 45 and the MAGAts:

“Two of the hallmarks of a fascist political party are, one, they don’t accept the results of elections that don’t go their way. And two, they embrace political violence. And I think that’s why President Biden was right to sound the alarm … about these continuing attacks on our constitutional order from the outside by [Thing 45] and his movement.”

And, since most in the GOP and MAGA movement hear only what they want to hear, neither Raskin nor Biden is condemning the entire Republican party, but rather those who stormed the capitol and those who supported them.

Those are the fascists in the GOP.

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Harry Styles, singer and now actor, kind of proving he shouldn’t talk off the cuff about his new film Don’t Worry Darling:

“I think, you know, my favorite thing about the movie is that it feels like a… movie. You know, it feels like a real, like, go-to-the-theater-film movie. You know, the reason why you would go to watch something on the big screen.”

To be utterly transparent, I find Harry kinda sexy, for a wee lad, but this statement reminds me of a Beverly Leslie line from Will & Grace: “It's not so pretty when it speaks.”

Just sayin’.

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Dennis Prager, conservative radio talk show host, pulling a Thing 45 and saying some slaveowners were nice:

“One of the confusing things about life is how many nice people help destroy societies. This is not meant at all facetiously. It is meant literally. We think that people who do bad things, either think they’re doing bad and so they’re truly evil or they will be obviously bad in interpersonal relations, but it doesn’t work that way. Nice people can support vicious things. The human being is a macro and a micro being among the many, many differences within each of us. There were undoubtedly many nice slaveholders in the South. This is not meant facetiously again, it’s meant literally. If you had been invited to one of their homes, you would have been treated beautifully, but they supported a vicious system. The left is a vicious system. It’s not slavery. Although the end result of all leftism is the enslavement of populations, not as in transatlantic slave trade or chattel slavery, but in the diminution of human rights and liberties, which is a form of enslavement.”

I thought we learned several years ago that racists and Nazis and Klan members and white supremacists are not nice, never nice; this totally smacks of Thing 45’s epic failure after the Charlottesville riots.

Let me make this queer: anyone who bought a human being and forced them into manual labor for their entire lives, including subjugating their wives and children., who kept human beings in chains and enslaved, sleeping on the floors of ramshackle slave houses, raping them, beating them, murdering them, is not a nice person.

Never a nice person.

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Bill Barr, former Thing 45 Attorney General, on his former boss’ request for a Special Master:

“As more information comes out, the actions of the department look more understandable. It seems to me they were driven by concern about highly sensitive information being strewn all over a country club, and it was taking them almost two years to get it back. It appears that there’s been a lot of jerking around of the government. I’m not sure the department could have gotten it back without taking action. I think it’s a crock of shit. I don’t think a special master is called for.”

Yeah, I know, Billy Barr is trying to save his image. He never will in my book, but I love the fact that every time he speaks Thing 45 tries to act like he never liked Barr or really worked with him, or possibly never even knew him.

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I Didn't Say It

Arnold Schwarzenegger, former California governor, speaking to the Russian people and soldiers:

“Your lives, your limbs, and your futures are being sacrificed for a senseless war condemned by the entire world. So every bullet you shoot, you shoot a brother or a sister. Every bomb or every shell that falls is falling not on an enemy but on a school or hospital or a home.”

Stop. Speak up. End this.

Ans that goes for you America, too.

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Madison Cawthorn, Nazi youth poster boy, admitting he is a traitorous mother f%ker in a newly unearthed video of his call to Charlie Kirk’s podcast during the Capitol riot:

“I’m safe. As you know I believe in the Second Amendment as well as a lot of other members, so we are armed. We are in a safe location. I can’t disclose where. You know obviously having the wheelchair I am able to carry many, multiple weapons at one time. So you know, everyone around me is armed.”

So, he helped get weapons into a federal building during an insurrection?

Why isn’t this son of a bitch in cuffs?

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William Barr, former Attorney General, stood by the idiotic false comments he made before the 2020 election that mail voting was vulnerable to fraud:

“My view is that in such a closely divided country with so much at stake, we have to keep strong protections against fraud and protect the integrity of the election, and I think when they are diluted and reduced—which they were—then people are not going to have confidence in the election, whether or not fraud occurs.”

So, he denounced Thing 45’s assertions of voter fraud  but says there was voter fraud even though the only voter fraud uncovered has been on the GOP side with MAGAts casting votes for Barr’s old boss. Have I got that queer, Bill,  you lying POS?

PS Bill has a book to sell, so staying stupid shit is getting him all kinds of press.

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Bob Chapek, Walt Disney Co. CEO, apologizing to employees at the company for the company’s handling of Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ and said Disney would be pausing political donations in the state:

“Thank you to all who have reached out to me sharing your pain, frustration and sadness over the company’s response to the Florida ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill. Speaking to you, reading your messages, and meeting with you have helped me better understand how painful our silence was. It is clear that this is not just an issue about a bill in Florida, but instead yet another challenge to basic human rights. You needed me to be a stronger ally in the fight for equal rights and I let you down. I am sorry.”

Now, maybe to stand up for the LGBTQ+ Americans, rather than ‘pause’ donations, howsabout stopping all donations, to politicians and instead give to groups who can fight bigotry and hatred in this country.

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Herschel Walker, former football player, Thing 45 devotee, and GOP Senate candidate for Georgia, sounding the idiot alarm:

“At one time, science said man came from apes, did it not? If that is true, why are there still apes? Think about it.”

Okay, Herschel, let’s go back to the fifth grade when we learned that humans did not evolve from the apes that you see at the zoom, but that humans and apes have a common—and now extinct—ancestor that lived roughly 10 million years ago.

Georgia? Do you want another representative of your state as stupid as  Marge Greene?

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Tom Rice, GOP Congressman from South Carolina, slamming Thing 45 … yes, a South Carolina Republican slamming Thing 45:

“[Thing 45] is here because, like no one else I’ve ever met, he is consumed by spite. I took one vote he didn’t like and now he’s chosen to support a yes man candidate who has and will bow to anything he says, no matter what. If you want a Congressman who supports political violence in Ukraine or in the United States Capitol, who supports party over country, who supports a would-be tyrant over the Constitution, and who makes decisions based solely on re-election, then Russell Fry is your candidate.”

Huh … what was that one vote Thing 45 didn’t like? Was it when Rice crossed party lines and stood up for America by voting to impeach him following the January 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol?

Yes, it was.

Good for Tom Rice.

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Dolly Parton, country legend, turning down induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:

“I really do not want votes to be split because of me, so I must respectfully bow out. I do hope that the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will understand and be willing to consider me again—if I’m ever worthy. This has, however, inspired me to put out a hopefully great rock ‘n’ roll album at some point in the future, which I have always wanted to do! My husband is a total rock ‘n’ roll freak, and has always encouraged me to do one. I wish all of the nominees good luck and thank you again for the compliment. Rock on!”

Dolly should be given every single award and induction, no matter what it might be. But, when Dolly says ‘Count me out,’ count her out.

But … when the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame released their list of nominees, they said the “diverse list” reflected artists that had a “profound impact on the sound of youth culture” which explains the inclusion of Parton, and so the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame  will continue with voting and keep Dolly’s name on the list.

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