Why Is It ...

… that I realized I may have a drinking problem because the other day over breakfast Carlos asked me to toast some bread for him and I raised my martini and said, “Here’s to bread!”

… that everything nowadays is so expensive ... even dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.

… that I can't help but laugh at those little teenagers walking into school with their iced coffees. My generation took vodka to school in water bottles, rookies!

… that gas is so high that the mailman is working from home; he calls me and reads my bills to me.

… that the next time you’re down about life put it all in perspective. I have a friend that has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and yet every day he complains how much he hates prison.

… that when something needs to be said and no one wants to say, I’m already over here clearing my throat. Don’t worry, I got this.

… that when I was eating chicken a vegan walked up to me and said, “What you’re eating had a family,” and I replied, “That’s why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.”

… that when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary I always shout, "I know it fucking isn't! I’m vulgar not stupid."

… that I don’t think I drink too much coffee but I do believe my body will keep moving up to forty-eight hours after my death.

… that my tastes have always been vanilla, more mild than wild. But I'm super into B&D now. Block and Delete.