I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Why do celebrities think they need to share everything with us? Seriously, do we need to know Gwynnie steams her cooch? Do we need to know Soleil Moon Frye’s first “consensual” sexual experience was when she was eighteen and she was boned by … wait for it … get a HazMat suit ready … it’s the height of ick … Charlie Sheen.

Soleil shared a journal entry dated December 18, 1994:

“It’s been the most strange and incredible day ever. He’s somebody I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s a person that intrigues me and excites me.”

And then she calls Sheen her “Mr. Big.” Like I said, Ick.

Soleil is aware of Corey Feldman’s sexual assault allegations against Charlie, but says she doesn’t know anything about that, and can only speak to her own experience. She also talks about experiencing her own sexual assault by an unnamed man when she was 17—hence the clarification that Sheen was her first consensual sexual encounter.

Look, everyone’s experience is different, but I don’t know that I’d air out the idea that I let Charlie Sheen’s dick anywhere near me.

That’s all.

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Kim Kardastrophe and Kanye West are now doing to each other what I have been begging them to do to all of us for years.

They have stopped speaking to each other.

Lucky them. If we could only get them to divorce America we might never hear from them again.

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And then we have Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez who have ALLEGEDLY broken up in the wake of his scandal with Southern Charm “star” Madison LeCroy. You see, last January, Twitter was set ablaze with rumors after the Southern Charm reunion special exposed ALLEGATIONS of infidelity involving an “ex-MLB star” and Southern Charm cast-member, and manhunter, Madison LeCroy, who admitted to FaceTiming A-Rod, but maintained the two had never Facetimed in person. LeCroy demurred:

“He’s never physically cheated on his fiancée with me.”

Physically? And so, JLo was embarrassed by that rumor—and yet, oddly, she’s never been embarrassed by her singing or her acting—and split from A-Rod. Or did she?

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez are now saying reports of their demise as a couple have been greatly exaggerated—well, maybe not so greatly—because while there might be trouble in their made-for-social-media relationship, they are still fighting to stay together.

A source claims they haven’t been together because:

“She’s working in the Dominican Republic and he’s in Miami so it’s tough seeing each other especially with quarantining and COVID, but they want to try to stay together.”

Yeah, I buy that except for the fact that they have each posted lovey-dovey Instagram stories from various vacation spots, and daily pap strolls to the gym and out to dinner and such, all during the pandemic.

Look, they’re over. He has a wandering peen and she can’t seem to keep a man… possibly because she picks men with wandering peens.

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Drew Barrymore has a talk show so we are learning all sorts of things about her in a thirsty attempt to score more viewers.

She’s done with marriage! Until she does it again.

She’s done with drugs! She’s been saying that for years.

And she’s done with acting! Or, more likely, acting is done with her.

All of these things, however, are subject to change, but you aren’t allowed to remember that Drew said them.

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To prove my point about JLo, rumor has it that she has already scrubbed A-Rod from her life, and most importantly her social media, and set her sights on one Lenny Kravitz.

See, Kravitz has joined the cast of JLo’s upcoming film Shotgun Wedding and has ALLEGEDLY made quite an impression on his co-star. And we know this is true because JLo asked Kravitz to give her daughter guitar lessons and then posted a seductive video of herself dancing on the balcony of her hotel suite to the tune of Kravitz’s chart-topping hit “Fly Away.”

A not-so-subtle message to A-Rod and the world.

Still, I had higher expectations of Lenny Kravitz.

UPDATE: After telling us that she’s in the DR and he’s in Miami and with COVID they aren’t traveling, A-Rod flew to the DR to see JLo and perhaps put the kibosh on the rumors, or beg her forgiveness for being a cheating punk while she begs his forgiveness for moving on so quickly.

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I Ain'tOne To Gossip But ...

There are some who say Drew Barrymore is Hollywood royalty … her great aunt was Oscar-winner Ethel Barrymore and her grandfather was John Barrymore, one of the most influential stage actors of the 20th century. And Drew has had her own share of fame and infamy in her career, but this isn’t about her, though it is about a story of her family that she says is true.

Legend has it that Errol Flynn, W.C. Fields, and poet Sadakichi Hartman––all of whom were John’s friends––stole John Barrymore’s corpse from the morgue after his death in 1942, and took the body back to have one last weekly poker game together. And Drew confirmed the rumor—though Errol told the story eons ago in his memoir—saying:

‘Yes, they did! And I will say this, I hope my friends do the same for me. That is the kind of spirit I can get behind. Just prop the old bag up and have a last few rounds.”

As long as she’s paying ….

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Even though she was sentenced to two months in jail—her husband Mossimo Giannulli got five months—cheating mom and One-Percenter Lori Loughlin still thinks she did nothing wrong and has circled her friends who also think she was just being a good mom.

Still, after learning news of her fate, via ZoomSentencing™ from Judge Nathaniel Gordon, sources say Lori still believes that she’s the one who was played:

“Lori would never enter into criminal activity knowingly. She really believed that they were making legit donations, especially since USC took the money.”

Lori blames on Rick Singer, the ALLEGED mastermind behind the scam. She says he came highly recommended to them, and they believed that his organization was legitimate.

The man said, “Gimme $500K, take some fake pictures of your daughters on rowing machines so we can claim they’re athletes,” and she thought he was legit?

Aunt Becky, you’re an idiot.

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Old, old Real Housewives of New Jersey hot mess Danielle Staub clearly doesn’t wish to ever come back to the show because why else go after the Queen of Bravo, Andy Cohen? And his little boy?

Danielle has crawled from the Jersey Ooze to tell the world that Andy is setting a bad example for his son, Benjamin, by being a … wait for it, she really goes in … a drug using sex fiend who cruises Grindr for up to four hookups every night:

“Is Andy ready for his son to know who he is? Because the Andy I know would hit up Grindr and go on three or four Grindr dates an evening.”

And then she goes in on the drugs—Andy is a self-professed pot head, which, you know, is legal—but Danielle claims to ‘know’ people who know about Andy and drugs:

“And these are people who are pretty reputable sources. I just don’t … I don’t even want to talk about the drugs and the partying, not now anyway, but we can get back to that … and I’m not talking about marijuana … I’m talking about, like, things I’ve been accused of doing and he allowed [that] to happen while he was doing the same thing that he was accusing me of, or allowing other people to accuse me of …”

So, Andy likes to party and do drugs and get dick. That sounds an awful lot like Staub, who was arrested for prostitution, ALLEGEDLY has ties to the mob, and has been engaged twenty-two times.

Take a seat, Karen.

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Thirteen years ago, in 2007, after releasing her daughter Kim’s porn tape for some coins, That Woman went along on a photo shoot as Kim Kardastrophe posed for Playboy … cuz that’s what porn stars do … porn to Playboy. And while Kim arched her back and thrust her surgically enhanced boobs and ass for the cameras, That Woman crowed:

“You’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

Cut to 2020 and That Woman now wants to trademark the phrase so she can make coins if it’s ever used.

Seriously. Well, I guess I must trademark the phrase:

“Mama made me a porn star, sold me off into marriage three times, watched as my lunatic husband has yearly melt downs, and uses it all to pad her bank account.”

Might be wordy, but if I make a couple of bucks ….

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It's Snarkurday!

Everyone knows that hookers and blow are expensive. Well, everyone except Charlie Sheen, apparently.

It seems that Charlie Sheen owes the IRS $4,967,376.41 in taxes from 2015 which is odd, because other than announcing he was HIV-positive, Sheen didn’t work at all in 2915; his old show Anger Management ran from 2012-2014, and his 9/11 movie didn’t bomb until 2017.  I guess maybe his Two and a Half Men residuals offered some mighty coins for him to owe the IRS 5 million.

Of course, Charlie does own a $10 million Beverly Hills manse, that is he could just unload, he could pay off the government and then party like … well … Charlie Sheen.

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It looks like grown-up Drew Barrymore is acting more like child star Drew Barrymore … meaning maybe she needs a rehab vacation.

Barrymore was on Watch What Happens Live recently with her Santa Clarita Diet costar … Husband-In-My-Head … Timothy Olyphant and was obviously drunk. And now it appears that her close friends are worried about her and want her to try rehab again, after her first stint at treatment back when she was just thirteen, an emancipated minor and addicted to drugs and alcohol.

But is she drinking or drugging again? Or, as happens on Watch What Happens Live, where Andy Cohen serves drinks to his guests, was Drew just taken in by the show?

We’ll have to wait and see …

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So, Miranda Lambert is kind of that girl, that husband stealing girl … though, yeah, I know, if a husband didn’t want to be stolen he wouldn’t go. But still, Lambert seems to seek out married men when she’s looking for a new conquest, so, yeah, there’s that.

Lambert ALLEGEDLY got with her current man, country singer Evan Felker, while he was still with his wife Staci and she was still with her post-Blake Shelton boyfriend Anderson East.  Evan and his band became Miranda’s opening act on tour in February, and shortly after joining the tour, he filed for divorce.

A source—Blake or Gwen? —reveals how Miranda and Evan came to be … beginning with texts shortly before his band Turnpike Troubadours joined her tour. At first the texts were professional with Miranda praising Evan’s music and saying she wanted to write songs with him, but then they turned flirty. Evan ALLEGEDLY told Staci about the flirty texts, but, you know, Miranda Lambert; this could mean big coins for the family, so he kept at it.

And then he joined her tour but made a point of calling home to talk with Staci every night … for the first two nights. On the third night it was all ::::crickets::: because he was supposed to fly home, but he didn’t; he told Staci he wouldn’t be home for another week and, well, that turned into d-i-v-o-r-c-e papers on February 16.

And that was the same time that Miranda posted a picture to Instagram of a message she wrote on a mirror:

Well, she’s not playing and clearly doesn’t care, but, as Blake said, karma is a bitch and what goes around …

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Two weeks ago, it was reported that Johnny Depp was dropped by his latest law firm, who ALLEGEDLY labeled him too big of a legal mess to deal with and, well, it seems like they were right.

This week two of Johnny’s former bodyguards Eugene Arreola and Miguel Sanchez have recently filed a lawsuit against Depp, accusing him of not paying wages, not paying overtime, wrongful termination, and unlawful business practices. Eugene and Miguel also ALLEGE that most of their work was spent on keeping Johnny from his, ahem, “vices”:

“Often times Plaintiffs were forced to protect Defendant Depp from himself and his vices while in public, becoming caretakers for him. An incident at a local nightclub involved Plaintiffs alerting Depp of illegal substances visible on his face and person while preventing onlookers from seeing Depp’s condition.”

Seriously? They had to remind Depp to wipe the substances from his face to keep prying eyes and cellphones from noticing?

Eugene and Miguel previously guarded Johnny through Premiere Group International until hired them directly as his in-house security. Now Eugene and Miguel ALLEGE that from May 2016 to January 2018, Johnny never paid them overtime pay, gave them any breaks or meals during their 12-hour shifts, and they also ALLEGE they were often instructed to drive vehicles containing “illegal substances, open containers, and minors” for him.

Miguel also ALLEGES that he was the primary caregiver of Johnny’s son Jack; Miguel also claims he was instructed to “give in to every whim” of Johnny’s kids Jack and Lily-Rose unless he wanted to lose his job.

Eugene and Miguel claim that performing double duty as babysitters and drivers, combined with watching Johnny self-destruct, created a toxic and unsafe work environment, and they were forced to quit.

Sure, between babysitting the kids and babysitting Johnny, and cleaning up messes from all three, including those facial substances, would make anyone quit.

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She may never have married into that family, but Blac Chyna is as much a Kardastrophe as any of them because she’s all, always, and only, about the coins.

It seems that Chyna wants the money Kylie Jenner was paid for her former reality series, Life of Kylie, because Kylie’s show took her time slot on E! when Chyna's series Rob & Chyna was cancelled.

Seriously. Chyna’s show was cancelled because she and rob cancelled their made-for-TV “relationship: and now she thinks she deserves the money from the show that aired in place of her cancelled show?

Like I said, she’s a Kardastrophe… by injection.

Penis injection, if y’all get my drift.

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WTF? Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler

Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, at the German premiere of their latest craptastic collaboration, Blended.

She looks like she slipped out of the hotel in a robe and nightie, while Sandler looks like the pervy guy watching kids in the schoolyard.

Just sayin'.

I Didn't Say It......

Ken Mehlman, on how bad he feels that eleven states passed anti-gay amendments in 2004:

"Look, I have a lot of friends who ask questions and who are angry about it. I understand that folks are angry, I don’t know that you can change the past. As I’ve said, one thing I regret a lot is the fact that I wasn’t in the position I am today where I was comfortable with this part of my life, where I was able to be an advocate against that [strategy] and able to be someone who argued against it. I can’t change that – it is something I wish I could and I can only try to be helpful in the future. But I understand the anger and I talk to friends about it – it’s something that I hear from a number of friends."

Hypocrite.

Self-loathing hypocritical asshat.

I understand being in the closet, but I don't understand working as hard as Ken Mehlman did against the LGBT community, and coming up with so many anti-gay measures and plans and campaigns as he did.

He wants forgiveness?

Well, Ken, maybe when you spend as much time, effort and money working for equality, I'll think about it.

Michael Bloomberg, NYC Mayor, on the Islamic Community Center, 51 Park:

"But if we say that a mosque or a community center should not be built near the perimeter of the World Trade Center site, we would compromise our commitment to fighting terror with freedom. We would undercut the values and principles that so many heroes died protecting. We would feed the false impressions that some Americans have about Muslims. We would send a signal around the world that Muslim Americans may be equal in the eyes of the law, but separate in the eyes of their countrymen. And we would hand a valuable propaganda tool to terrorist recruiters, who spread the fallacy that America is at war with Islam."

Religious Freedom applies to all religions, not just the ones pandered to by mindless Republican fucktards like Beck, Gingrich and Palin.

Jonathan Groff, on being gay and coming out to his parents:

"When I wanted to be an actor, my dad understood it, as he has his passion for horses. And the interesting thing about coming out is that everyone in their life – gay or straight – in a way comes out. Like debutantes, they have a coming out, saying, 'Look, this is who I am'."

Perhaps Ken Mehlman should have taken a page from Groff's Handbook.

It doesn't have to be self-loathing and hate, it can be a process that everyone goes through, in finding your true self.

Gay or straight, we all have closets we need to exit.

Drew Barrymore, telling one reporter about another reporter, while promoting her new movie, Going The Distance:

"You should have heard this bitch I had to do an interview with before you. God, I wanted to punch her, she would just not drop the youth thing. I have no problem talking about it. I am not someone who is ashamed of my past. I'm actually really proud. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but they in turn were my life lessons. It's actually good to get it done young and have a great life later. But yeah, man, I wanted to rip this woman's face off. She just would not shut up about it."

What happened to the Peace Drew?

The Love and Light Drew?

Kelly Bensimon, wackadoo from The Real Housewives of New York, on Danielle Staub, of The Real Mafia Wives Of New Jersey:

"If Danielle gets her own spinoff, I think that’d be amazing for her. She makes for great TV. She’s out of the box and has no inhibitions. It’s not my place to say whether someone has issues or not. I will say she has a lot of fun with what she’s doing. I don’t know what her real life is like, but I honestly don’t think that she’s well matched against the rest of that cast for that show. Still, she definitely is fun to watch. I love seeing her. She has no limitations and that’s great."

Plus, she's no Bethenny. 

Tiger Woods, on his ex-wife Elin's interview in People:

"This is a very painful, personal and private time for our family. Throughout this entire time, Elin has shown unwavering concern and support for our children. She is a wonderful mother. I know that the two of us will do everything we can to help our children adjust to this new family situation. We both cherish the time we can spend with Sam and Charlie. Whether it's taking Sam to school or hitting balls with Charlie on the range, nothing gives me more enjoyment than these simple pleasures. We have two special kids, and I'm going to enjoy every minute with them. Personally, I am learning to balance family and golf. My children come first and always will, but I also appreciate golf more than ever. I understand how important the fans and the game are to me. I know how lucky I am to do what I do for a living, and I am deeply grateful for everyone who has supported me."

Oh Tiger, it always comes back to golf.

I know you've given Elin a good chunk of your billions, but you still have enough left where you can retire and just be a good father to your kids. Be a good example to your kids.

Carl Paladino, New York Republican gubernatorial candidate on how the state's poor should be 

housed in prisons for their own betterment:

"Instead of handing out the welfare checks, we'll teach people how to earn their check. We'll teach them personal hygiene ... the personal things they don't get when they come from dysfunctional homes. These are beautiful properties with basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities. Many young people would love to get the hell out of cities. You have to teach them basic things — taking care of themselves, physical fitness. In their dysfunctional environment, they never learned these things."

I, for one, would like to see Carl Paladino housed in prison for a while, and then hear him tell us all how nice it is, with sports courts and toilets for him to use.

Typical Republican non-thinking asshat.

Mary Bale, on throwing a cat into a trash bin:

"I want to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for the upset and distress that my actions have caused. I cannot explain why I did this, it is completely out of character and I certainly did not intend to cause any distress to Lola or her owners. It was a split second of misjudgment that has got completely out of control. I don't know what the fuss is about. It's just a cat. I did it as a joke because I thought it would be funny. I never thought it would be trapped, I expected it to wriggle out. I don't know what my relatives will think but to be honest I think everyone is overreacting a bit."

Overreacting to taking a live creature and tossing it into the garbage?

I think Mary Bale needs to spend some time in a dumpster.

A long time.