It's Snarkurday!

Charlie Sheen recently sold his profit participation rights to “Two and a Half Men” for nearly $27 million and then went to court to have his child support payments for his twin sons with ex-wife Brooke Mueller cut down because, he says, his income has changed significantly and so he can no longer pay the $55,000-a month child support payments for his 6-year-old boys.

Sheen says when he sold his profit rights for millions his monthly income fell from $600,000-a-month down to a mere $167,000 and so he clearly cannot afford child support; he also lists $12 million in debts owed on mortgages, taxes, and legal fees.

Now, Sheen’s divorce settlement with Mueller states that his child support payments could never be lower than the amount he pays to ex-wife Denise Richards for their two daughters, so Sheen wants that provision removed to be able to give less money to his sons than his daughters.

It’s no wonder he’s never been named Father of the Year, though Douchebag of All Time seems like a natural.

This is funny since this girl would be a nobody with paparazzi, but Kendall Jenner has ALLEGEDLY punched a photographer outside of a nightclub in Paris.

Kendall was leaving the night club with fellow model Gigi Hadid and her bodyguard when the bodyguard tried to restrain the photographer, and then she stepped in and went all Alec Baldwin on the guy.

The next day, on this side of the pond, while stirring her cauldron, That Woman made arrangements to have Kendall’s DNA tested because any child of hers and Caitlyn’s that pushes away a photographer for any reason at all cannot now or ever be called Kardastrophe, or even Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Even though Jennifer Lawrence loves him, and brought him as her date to the Oscars, there are all kinds of stories that director David O. Russell is a douche to work with … there’s an infamous story about how he went after Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees and ALLEGEDLY fondled his niece’s chest in a gym and made a studio exec cry of the ironically named set of Joy and now this …

Russell was so mean to Amy Adams on the set of American Hustle that Christian Bale — known for his own temper — had to step in … I was gonna throw an extra ALLEGEDLY in there but Adams gave an interview to British GQ where she says it’s true …. David O. Russell is a dick:

“I was really just devastated on set. I mean, not every day, but most. Jennifer [Lawrence] doesn’t take any of it on. She’s Teflon. And I am not Teflon. But I also don’t like to see other people treated badly … It’s not OK with me. Life to me is more important than movies. It really taught me how to separate work and home. Because I was like, ‘I cannot bring this experience home with me to my daughter.’”

It doesn’t look like Adams will be working with Russell any time soon though Teflon Lawrence has said she’d work with him forever and always … until he makes her cry?

This week famewhore, porn star, and married to a lunatic, Kim Kardastrophe posted another nude selfie to Instagram. It was a lie because it wasn’t a recent picture, post Second Baby, but an older picture before Second Baby — sorry I can’t be bothered to learn the child’s name—but folks on Twitter had a field day with Kardastrophe’s latest attempt to gather attention for herself since she doesn’t really do anything.

Bette Midler said:

“Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”

Chloe Grace Moretz reTweeted Bette and added:

“There’s a huge difference in respecting the platform that you’re given as a celebrity and ‘slut shaming’ something I never have done and would never do.” 

And naturally, Piers Morgan got involved:

“I know the old man’s $50 million in debt, Kim – but this is absurd. Want me to buy you some clothes?” 

It was all fun and humor, but since Kim is married to a lunatic she went all Kanye on Twitter, channeling her inner Donald [t]Rump and talking about how rich she is:

“sorry I'm late to the party guys I was busy cashing my 80 million video game check & transferring 53 million into our joint account”

I wonder how Kanye feels knowing his woman is telling the world that she’s stocking up his bank account? Then she took on Piers:

“hey @piersmorgan never offer to buy a married woman clothes. thats on some ashley madison type shit #forresearch”

She also took a dig at Chloe Grace Moretz:

“let's all welcome @ChloeGMoretz to twitter, since no one knows who she is. your nylon cover is cute boo”

Lastly, she came for The Divine Miss M:

“hey @BetteMidler I know it's past your bedtime but if you're still up and reading this send nudes #justkidding”

Followed by:

“hey @BetteMidler I really didn't want to bring up how you sent me a gift awhile back trying to be a fake friend then come at me#dejavu”

Kim, honey, you don’t come for Bette unless she sends for you, m’kay?

“@KimKardashian: I never tried to fake friend you. Looks like anyone can take a selfie but not everyone can take a joke...”

Snap. Now, let’s give Pink the last word because, well, it’s brilliant. And while Pink doesn’t name any names — she didn’t have to — the bits about attention seekers with tits and asses makes it clear who she was aiming at:

“Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their “magic” that they were born with, that only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or press notes as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention’. In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from ‘attention’, you will feel something called pride and self-respect. Keep on resisting the urge to cave. You never have to make silly excuses for yourself. #internationalwomensday #bestrong #upyourrealworth”

Real snap.

Speaking of the Kardastrophes, Selma Blair is playing That Woman in American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson.

That Woman’s daughter Kendall is friends with model Gigi Hadid whose mom is Yolanda Hadid — formerly Foster — who has separated from David Foster who is now apparently dating/banging Selma Blair.

I know none of these folks are inter-related but it still sounds so incestuous.

She started off with a bang and now it looks like she’ll end up with a whimper.

Janet Jackson’s Unbreakable world tour is kinda broken with Miss Jackson cancelling or postponing many of her December American dates so she could undergo a “surgical” procedure — like, I dunno, having her voice tracks surgically implanted in her mouth so it’ll look more like she really can sing?

And now she’s doing it again; all of Janet’s European dates have been postponed due to “scheduling difficulties” and, rumor has it … love Adele … the tour may never happen at all because Ticketmaster is giving everyone who purchased a ticket a refund.

She cannot sing on tour but she did show up at Paris Fashion week … but then she didn’t have to pretend to sing and dance there.

Well, it appears Bradley Cooper has really bad ideas.

He was planning a remake of A Star Is Born — originally starring Frederic March and Janet Gaynor, then remade starring Judy Garland and James Mason, and lastly remade with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson — which has been put on hold lest it become another Cooper Flop a la Aloha.

But Cooper really wanted “Gimme An Oscar, I’m Beyoncé” as his costar because she’s a brilliant actress; remember Obssessed? No? Howsabout Pink Panther? Cadillac Records? Goldmember? Remember her in Dreamgirls? No? That’s because Jennifer Hudson stole that show.

Now it appears that Cooper may not get his Beyoncé because she wants Weave Money … and by that I mean a huge paycheck to star in the film. Seriously? She is such a terrible actress I think she should pay to be in the film and then pay anyone who wants to see the movie to go see something else, anything else.

A phrase I can almost guarantee you will never hear:

“The Oscar for Best Actress Goes To Beyoncé.”

Unless she makes a direct-to-video flop playing an actress who wins an Oscar.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Word out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston has hired an Oscar strategist named Lisa Taback, who previously worked on the Oscar campaigns for The King’s Speech and The Artist.

Seriously, Aniston wants an Oscar so badly, that she’s hired someone to help her win it? And what exactly does an Oscar strategist do? Here’s how I’d do it: Hey Jen? Get yourself a part in a film of substance for a change and try to act for a change. No need to go sans makeup or have a scar put on your face. Just be good at your job … for a change.

M’kay, I wouldn’t last long in the Oscar Strategist job.

Here’s how I see an Oscar in Jennifer Aniston’s future … cut to 2034, a retired former comic actress Jennifer Aniston appears on a TV screen eating a sandwich, and then begins to sing …

♫♪ My bologna has a first name … it’s O-S-C-A-R …♪♫

Aniston.Oscar. My work here is done.

Oh Gwynnie, now it’s not just Martha throwing shade at you, it‘s Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer.

And she out-elitists Paltrow at every turn! It seems Paltrow — Oscar winner … sorry Jen … best-selling cookbook author, lifestyle “expert” — wanted to work with Yahoo as an editor for the website’s food division but Mayer put the kibosh on that because … wait for it … I’m loving it … Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have a college degree.

According to a new book, Mayer and the Fight to Save Yahoo! By Nicholas Carson, Mayer — a 39-year-old Stanford grad who’s a stickler for degrees — “balked” at obtaining Paltrow’s services, despite Paltrow’s ego and fame and website and ego and star power and ego, because she “disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.”

To be fair, Paltrow did attend the University of California, Santa Barbara — a feat that at least two biographies of Goop attributed to her family’s long relationship with UCSB alum Michael Douglas — but left after one year to become an actress.

And so, twenty years later, hoping to be a contributor to Yahoo, Goop gets the news that college dropouts, no matter large their egos, needn’t apply.

My.Heart.Weeps.

Are Kim Kardastrophe and KrayKray West headed for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. I say no because their marriage seems to be one based on media attention, not actual love for one another because the pair rarely spend any time together at all. I mean, Kanye spent Thanksgiving eating dinner in Paris with male friends, while Kimmy was at home basting the turkey all by her lonesome.

And now, because he’s ALLEGEDLY working on new music, he may spend Christmas away from his shrew wife and Kimmy is livid … well, she’s mad because for her to be livid you’d have to first explain what livid means.

Still, a couple of weeks back,  the couple did get to spend some quality time together during a family outing to Disney On Ice at Staples Center … until the middle of the show when Kanye up and left and never returned.

Perhaps one of his male friends was hungry?

Still, I’m guessing this mess of a marriage works because they rarely see one another, I mean, with one having an ego the size of his wife’s ass and the other having an ass the size of her husband’s ego.

Selena Gomez used to be BFFs with Taylor Swift; and they’re still friendly every now and again, when Selena breaks up with Justin Bieber for a hot minute to sing a song about how much she loves him and then go back to him so she can break up with him again.

But, apparently she now misses Little Biebs so much that she spent most of Swifty’s birthday party sobbing on the terrace over her broken relationship with that egg-tossing-drag-racing-Sizzurp-slurping too.

According to witnesses at TayTay’s 25th birthday party — attended by fellow media whores Jay Z and Beyoncé — at Swifty’s NYC penthouse, Selena was reportedly crying out on the terrace because she misses her Little Man and shouting, at anyone who would listen:

“No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me.”

Oh honey, we understand you. You’re a delusional young girl who thinks your life is wrapped up with a Twit.

Problem is, you don’t understand that.

Gosh, the folks at NBC”s Today Show are really desperate to grab some ratings away from Good Morning America, even going so far as to cancel an interview with Amy Adams because she wouldn’t talk about The Sony Hack.

Really.  Adams was in NYC to promote Big Eyes, which comes out on Christmas Eve and was directed by Tim Burton and distributed by The Weinstein Company. No connection to Sony whatsoever.

And yet, when Amy Adams went on Today all they wanted to talk about was the Sony Hack. Adams came to the set, and although she’d already told producers she did not, and would not, discuss The Hack, she once again had to tell the bigwigs that she would prefer to avoid the subject, given this was a four-minute interview and she was there to talk about her movie which, again, has nothing to do with Sony.

Adams says she was told that Today is a news organization — how’s that for high-larity? — and she was told no one dictates their interviews. Adams didn’t balk, and was, in fact, shown on TV screens as an upcoming segment and then … nothing.

The show bounced her, pulled her segment and completely wasted her time, though Today execs are spinning it that Adams was at fault and behaved like some kind of hellcat.

Who says hellcat anymore?

Here’s the deal: she was there to talk Big Eyes and had just four minutes to do it, but they wanted to talk The Hack because they’re desperate to appear relevant. Now they’ll be hard-pressed to ever get Adams back or any other actor who wants to promote a film and not Sony.

Stupid move, NBC ... NBC ... No.Body.Cares.

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or a few someone’s who just couldn’t wait to hear some auto-tuned dance tunes from an aging, surgically enhanced diva.

But the best part of this is how Madge, speaking in that clipped British accent she’s not-yet-quite-perfected, tells the tale of living in a “state of terror” since the leak:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorizing me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating. I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Oh, it’s theft all right, but, Madge, seriously, calm yourself down … settle ... settle … sip some tea … because leaking your music, or what passes for music these days, is not terrorism.

Nobody died, dear, though I’m sure ear drums will be bleeding.

So after The Interview was made — detailing in all its high comedy the assassination of a country’s leader because that’s funny stuff — Sony found its emails hacked and all kinds of bad stuff happened.

So, Sony pulled the move after what Homeland Security called "not credible threats" of something happening should the film open on Christmas as planned and then ... cue publicity ... and now cue Sony saying they will release The Interview on Christmas after all.

Now, I know they were hacked and all kinds of private info and emails were released, but, show of hands, who feels like Sony just played The Hack for more publicity for what was bound to be another Franco bomb?

And seriously, now they’re playing it like it would be unpatriotic if you don’t go see this piece of crap.

F**k you Sony. This was just a stunt and I ain’t buying that … or a ticket to this piece of schlock.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwyneth Paltrow. Y'all know she's like EveryMom, though she has it a lot harder because she makes millions of dollars a year. But I never knew she had a team of people that are needed to keep her normal every day.

A source — and you know it's Lohan, live Tweeting from a pub in London — says: “Gwyneth has an army of people looking after her health.”

Seriously, she has a team that includes an allergist, blood analyst, naturopath and osteopath; there is a stress-relief team that consists of a meditation teacher, a yoga guru, a Qi Gong expert and four different massage therapists for cupping, Rolfing, hot stones and shiatsu; and, while Gwyneth loves to make out like she's a world class chef, her team also includes four nutritionists, three personal trainers and “detox advocate.”

It's takes a village to be that smug.

I guess.

So, last week I said Lindsay Lohan was getting all cracky about making her stage debut in a reboot of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow in London's West End. I called her crazy and a liar and a cracktress and, well, I was wrong.

Oh she's still a crazy, lying cracktress, most of the time, but not about this. Lindsay Lohan is actually cast in Speed-the-Plow and will make her professional stage debut this fall in Mamet's play at London’s Playhouse Theatre. Performances begin September 24 and continue through November 29 with opening night on October 2nd.

Okay, so I was wrong, I can admit that, but, I'm gonna keep on thinking that, during the play's almost two-month run, Lohan will be absent about half that time. Here's hoping her understudy is brilliant and prepared because that girl is gonna be on stage a lot!

I guess all those people who said Shia LaBeouf couldn't get arrested on Broadway were wrong, because last week Shia went cray-cray during a performance of Cabaret and was arrested outside Studio 54 where the show is playing.

It all started with Shia thinking he could smoke in the theater because he's Shia; when asked to stop, he began smacking his fellow audience members’ butts and heads and that's when the NYPD rolled up. Shia, who tried to run but he fell on his face and was dragged away in handcuffs. 

But before it was all over Shia was shrieking and squawking and threatening to end the careers of the police offices, hurling homophobic slurs at, and spitting on, police officers. They had to put him in a Hannibal Lecter-type mask before hauling him away. And then while being fingerprinted LaBeouf screamed:

“I have millions and millions of dollars and attorneys and I’m going to ruin your career.” 

He then called the officer a "fag."

He’s been charged with criminal trespass, harassment and disorderly conduct, according to law enforcement sources. No word on whether charges of bad acting will be added to the rap sheet.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan's Sex List was discovered and all those names of A-list actors — who were said to have schtupped the cracktress — came out? Well, Adam Levine, who was one of the men named, has decided to set the record straight during an interview with Howard Stern by saying, on air:

“I did not have sexual intercourse with Lindsay Lohan …”

Funny, though, he didn't mention any of the other sexual deeds that he ALLEGEDLY could have had with Lohan, because the list doesn’t say she had sexual intercourse with these men, it said Lindsay had sex with some of these men.

And intercourse ain’t the only sex act, even for such a straight shooter like Levine.

No one really wants to see a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman but since the first one made a gazillion bucks at the box office, you're gonna have the chance.

Sadly, though, Snow White, AKA Outstanding Wooden Actress™ winner Kristen Stewart will not be in it. 

Chris Hemsworth will be back, as the Huntsman, and Charlize Theron may be back as the Evil Queen, but Stewart, and SWaTH director, and Stewart schtupper, Rupert Sands are not being asked back.

I guess the Casting Couch didn't help Stewart this time?

Y'all know Lifetime is producing a Whitney Houston biopic with America's Next Top Model Yaya DaCosta in the title role and Angela Bassett directing. It's not supposed to be great filmmaking, it's a little slice of Whitney's life, before the drugs ruined her, but still people are excited for it.

Except one Bobbi Kristina Brown — Whitney's daughter — who is all kinds of pissy that she didn't get the part and is slamming Angela Bassett all over the web after Bassett said this about the project:

“I did not think about casting [Bobbi Kristina]. And probably for a number of reasons, you know. One being that she’s not an actress. I know she’s acted here and there. I know she’s been on their family’s reality show, but she’s not an actress and acting is a craft. It’s an attempt to illuminate the complexities of human behavior and life. And this is a very fast-paced schedule; we have just 21 days to tell this story. It’s more than just saying lines and turning the light on. You have to drive the story—there’s a technical aspect.”

That sounds fair, right? Well, not to BK who retaliated on Twitter by suggesting that Bassett is really a man:

Classy act, girl. Your Mama would be so proud.

Okay, so I like the celebrity gossip snark, but I do realize that most celebrities are just like you and me, except that when they misbehave it makes news and when I misbehave I wake up with a massive hangover. So, yeah, with the exception of Lindsay Lohan, who is a rehab-going, drunk-driving, drag-racing, mother-kidnapping, jewelry-stealing, nightclub-brawling, cocaine-snorting, lying paid escort, most celebrities are normal folks … or, they’re like Amy Adams.

To end this Holiday Weekend gossip here’s a nice story about a celebrity …

Amy Adams was flying out of Detroit last week and she noticed that there was a uniformed soldier on the same flight. After asking about him, Adams quietly asked that he be given her seat in First Class and she’d take his seat in coach.

She wasn’t even trying to get press for this; it turns out that Jemele Hill, co-host of ESPN's Numbers Never Lie was on the same flight and Tweeted about it:

“Just saw actress Amy Adams do something incredibly classy. She gave her 1st class seat to an American soldier. I’m an even bigger fan now.”

Hill noted that Adams, whose father was in the military, spoke briefly with the solider before taking her seat in coach.

Of course, with Hill’s Tweet the story broke and when the plane landed at LAX a cameraman from Inside Edition asked Adams about it and she said:

“I didn’t do it for attention for myself. I did it for attention for the troops.” 

That’s all. Oh, and thanks Amy, that was a class act.