Why Is It ...

… that pets are great for companionship or if you want to trip and die while moving from room to room  … and I am looking at you Consuelo!

… that people forget that I will match their respect but I will top their disrespect; don’t play with me.

… that my top three assumptions at the sound of a doorbell are: 1. It’s a murderer; 2. It’s the police telling me someone has died; or 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking has arrived.

… that people don’t understand that I identify as clumsy and my pronouns are Oops, Ouch and Oh no!

… that when people think my post is about them I ask them why? Did they find something in their size? Something from our new Guilty Conscience Collection.

… that while I am mentally at the beach, physically I am at a meeting I didn’t ask for.

… that some people don’t get that I am not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if I had to choose between saving you and a cactus, I’d water the cactus.

… that you need to realize that I don’t start drama, I just finish it with better comebacks.

… that you don’t see that I am not ignoring you, I’m just giving you the time to realize how irrelevant you are to me.

… that it infuriates me that Chicken Lips went to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work any more.

Why Is It ...

… that when I say I hate drama, I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people’s drama? One ticket for the front row, please.

… that Beyoncé fans scramble to pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars to watch her flip her hair and shake her ass, and are now being told by this tired ass Queen Bey that they need to wear “silver fashions” to her “Renaissance” world tour? Bitch, you buy me the silver outfit and maybe I’ll see you parade in front of the wind machine … maybe.

… that the work me, the outside me, and the home me are three entirely different people? We don’t even look the same.

… that I’m never sure if I actually have free time or if I’m just forgetting everything I’m supposed to be doing?

… that I wake up in the morning thinking everything’s gonna be okay and then I step outside and there are people … everywhere?

…… that when I’m hungry nothing is funny, and everyone is ugly?

... that some people are shocked that a 300 pound man who claims to weigh 215 pounds would  overstate his net worth by $2 billion?

… that Taylor Swift could perform in my bathroom and I sill wouldn’t attend? That’s a rhetorical question, clearly.

… that I put my music on shuffle, but then get pissed off when it doesn’t paly what I want to hear?