Snarky Thoughts

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “star” Dorit Kemsley has been sued by Natalie Vanderstay, a private nurse, who claims Kemsley stiffed her after she helped the reality “star” recover from a plastic surgery procedure:

“[Dorit] had plastic surgery and hired my services for day and overnight care; to monitor and assess her pain, administration of medications and treatments as directed per her physician's orders. As well as address all her medical needs and concerns. I submitted an invoice to [Dorit] after my services were completed and [Dorit] has refused to pay me.”

The nurse showed up to court but Dorit did not and now the nurse has demanded Dorit appear in court with her financial records to help Vanderstay figure out how to collect on the debt.

My Thought: Maybe Dorit did show up in court, but with her new face no one knew it was her—those are three of her faces up top.

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When the news broke that MAGAt Pat Sajak was retiring and leaving Wheel of Fortune, my first thought was “Is that show still on?” But it is, and some folks were more concerned  with what would happen to Vanna White and now we know that her role will be cut from the show soon, too.

My Thought: Vanna was a mindless, voiceless prop in an evening gown who pretended to reveal the letters on TV’s version of hangman and was paid $3 million a year. It’s called cost-cutting.

My Thought, Part Two: It appears that Vanna’s job of pointing at letters might be saved as the producers of Wheel announced that Vanna’s male counterpart, Ryan Seacrest, will be the new host and he’ll be so awful they need Vanna around to keep the older viewers watching.

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Word has come that Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough has paid her grandmother, Priscilla, a million-and-a-half dollars to drop her bid to be co-trustee of her late daughter’s estate, but Keough did put an end to Priscilla’s demand to be buried next to Elvis at Graceland.

My Thought: I guess we all know that Priscilla’s price to skip sharing an eternal resting place with Elvis is $1.4M, but maybe, if she plays her cards right, for a couple of hundred bucks she can be interred next to any number of Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas.

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Speaking of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Dorit’s "co-star," Kyle Richards and her husband of 27 years have announced they are separating. They released the usual statement that there are no third parties involved—Kyle’s husband Mauricio has long been accused of cheating … once with the aforementioned Dorit—but now it appears that Kyle is the one having the affair with female singer Morgan Wade. Kyle had been seen recently without her wedding ring—clue #1 in telling the world your marriage is over—but Mauricio appeared on a podcast to dispel that rumor:

“The other day I think she had a story come out where she was photographed coming out of the gym without her ring. I’m like, she went to the f**king gym, like, she’s not wearing her ring, okay?”

My Thought: Sounds plausible, but it doesn’t explain while Kyle and Morgan are now wearing matching rings.

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Snarky Thoughts

Reality show “star” and future prisoner of Cellblock Q, Todd Chrisley has “fired back” at claims that he had an affair with Mark Braddock, his ex-business partner who turned him in for bank fraud. Todd says he would never get fucked by Mark and would rather be rumored to be fucked by Brad Pitt or George Clooney. 

My Thought: Yes, straight men sit around and think about who they’d like to fuck them. Bend over and pick up the soap, Todd.

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Last year, Bond producers put the kibosh on my dream of seeing 50-year-old Idris Elba donning James Bond’s tuxedo by saying that they’re looking for an actor in his 30s to take over the role from Daniel Craig. And to that end they have met with 32-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, left, and 30-year-old Lucien Laviscount.

My Thought: I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson nekkid and he is what I would call more 0014 than 007, if you get my meaning, but I’m still leaning toward dreamy Lucian to shake my martini.

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After last year when Ryan Seacrest pitched a hissy because Drunk Andy Cohen called him and his New Year’s Eve show “boring,” this year Ryan is pissy because Sober Andy Cohen ignored him during the end of the year festivities when Ryan tried to wave at him in Times Square.

My thought: Come on out, Ryan, and ask Cohen on a date, because it’s clear you have some fixation on him.

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Once again Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her appearance and once again she claims it’s because of her hair or her make-up or her new clip-in bangs. After Khloé’s cover shoot for Sorbet magazine many of Taylor Swift fans accused Khloé of stealing Swifty’s look, while Khloé  took to The Gram to blame it on the choppy bangs.

My Thought: I don’t get Taylor Swift at all, but I also don’t get Khloé Kardastrophe. She should figure out who she wants to look like, because it sure isn’t herself, and it’ll never be Beyoncé or Swifty.

PS Here's some of Khloé’s transformations through the years.

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Is Mimi trying to be the George Santos of the music industry now? While Mariah Carey has called herself the Queen of Christmas forever, this year after seeking to trademark the title, and being told to Piss Off, she graciously gave the title to Darlene Love and all seemed right with the world. Until Mariah decided to tell the tale that she wrote her Christmas “classic” all by her lonesome and not with her writing partner Walter Afanasieff, who then came for Mimi:

“She started to hint at the fact that, ‘Oh, I wrote that song when I was a little girl.’ But why weren’t you saying that for 12 or 13 or 15 years prior to that? So it just sort of developed in her mind. She doesn’t play anything, she doesn’t play keyboard or piano. She doesn’t understand music, she doesn’t know chord changes and music theory or anything like that. She doesn’t know a diminished chord from a minor seventh chord to a major seventh chord, so to claim that she wrote a very complicated chord-structured song with her finger on a Casio keyboard when she was a little girl, it’s kind of a tall tale.”

For her part, Mimi says she never said that BUT in 2017, during an interview with Billboard, she said:

“I am proud of this song that I wrote basically as a kid on my little Casio keyboard.” 

And then as liars do, she changed the story again, saying now:

“I was up at the farm, upstate where we did the video, and it was nighttime, and I was just walking around, and I got the idea for the song. I don’t know where it came from, sometimes things just come to me like that. That melody just came into my head, the verse melody. And then, I was walking around, and I just went in and I had a little keyboard set up there and I just kind of finished the lyrics and the melody just came pretty quickly.”

My Thought: All I want for Christmas is for Mariah to stop talking and stop caterwauling that song.

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It's Snarkurday!

The E! channel; what a mess.

Less than a week ago, Suzie Hardy went public with her claim that Ryan Seacrest Harvey Weinstein’d—yes, it’s a verb now—her over the course of several years while she worked for him. Seacrest denied it and his lawyers claim Hardy is in it for the extortion coins, but … she never asked for money, and she first went to Seacrest’s bosses at E! to handle it quietly. She only made her story public when E! covered Seacrest’s ass.

Well, this led to a series of “crisis meetings” between Seacrest and E! on how to handle the E! Oscar Red Carpet show, and this is how they’ll work it out. Rob Silverstein, executive producer of the syndicated entertainment-news show “Access” will prep his hosts Scott Evans and Kit Hoover to ask the celebrities about the #MeToo movement and the politics surrounding it …

“And then, we will ask them whether or not they will talk to Ryan Seacrest.”

So, basically E! is still covering Ryan’s ass and not letting celebrities who have issues with men like Seacrest to speak to him?

But this is how E! rolls; remember one of their hosts, Catt Sadler, quit the network after they refused to pay her as much, or commensurate to, Jason Kennedy, so covering Seacrest’s ass.

And then this… Aileen Gram Moreno, veteran female producer on E!’s red carpet programming, claims she was fired after she “allowed” celebrities like Debra Messing, Eva Longoria and others to trash E! on the Golden Globes red carpet show about the Catt Sadler situation.

E! If you’re a woman, you’re paid less; if you’re a man, rub your little dick on a woman and stand on the red carpet.

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Looks like Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are angling for a new realty show: Tori and Dean: Domestically Violent.

See, police were called twice to Tori and Dean’s house last week for two domestic incidents within 24 hours.

The first involved Tori mistaking Dean for a burglar as he came home late one night; so, she called the police. The second incident was just a few hours later but it seems that Tori had some kind of a “mental breakdown” as Dean told 911; it was later classified as a domestic violence incident and Tori was not arrested and, according to police, “didn’t meet the criteria to be held for mental evaluation.”

So, Dean came home late and Tori called police saying he was a thief in her house, and hours later Dean calls police to say his wife was very aggressive and going through some sort of mental breakdown.

I smell a reality show.

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Well, as it turns out, the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux splitting story was a blip on the news cycle; oh, don’t get me wrong, they split, but it was news for a day and then it was fish wrap. So, how do the tabloids keep this story alive since people don’t really care about Poor Jen, Alone Again stories?

Dog custody. Yup; it seems like the once ALLEGEDLY happy couple are mostly fighting about their dogs and who gets them and when. Between them, the exes have four dogs: Dolly, a white shepherd mix, Clyde, a terrier, and Sophie, a pit bull mix, in LA, and Justin’s pit bull he keeps in NYC.

A source—and it’s probably Courtney Cox because what else has she got going on—says:

“They’ve always referred to them as their children, and it looks like Jen will keep the LA dogs with her and Justin will keep the pit bull in NYC. But it was the biggest bone of contention in the split. They’ve made an arrangement for visitation.”

Seriously. Dog custody is news?

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Lotsa folks think NBC is quietly erasing part of their deal with Megyn Kelly; the part that deals with her having a Sunday prime-time NBC News show.

Since her morning show is such a bust, it’s safe to assume America doesn’t wanna see her at night, so NBC will air Sunday Night With Megyn Kelly “periodically” this spring and summer. Meaning you probably won’t see it at all. Last summer, the news magazine was scheduled for a 10-week run but scrapped after a sharp drop in the ratings.

Poor NBC, they shelled out big bucks for Kelly and she’s barely worth nickels for the dollars they spent, and then add in the Matt Lauer mess and they are bleeding coins.

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This is a cute story … Gus Kenworthy and his boyfriend Matthew Wilkas went to an Oscar event and ran into Ricky Martin—hot again thanks to American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace—and his husband, Jwan Yosef. The four chatted a bit and then were separated in the crowds so Gus took out a Craigslist ‘Missed Connection’ ad that went like this:

“Living La Vida Lonely - m4m (LA, California)

Us: We were wearing black Ralph Lauren tuxedos, mine had little cowboys on it. You: You were also both wearing tuxedos because... well, because it was the Oscar's and everybody does. You and your husband stood out though. Partly because you're both gorgeous but also because you're literally @ricky_martin & @jwanyosef. The four of us chatted and laughed but then, sadly, got separated in the chaos of the Oscar's. My bf and I searched for you both for the rest of the night but never found you again. In town for a week. Let's connect."

And then this week, when Ricky Martin was on The Talk, Julie Chen read Gus’ ad to Ricky, who seemed more than willing to hook-up meet:

“Of course we’re going to connect! I mean, he’s a national hero. Give me a break. Are we flattered? Yes, we’re flattered.”

And then Gus Tweeted:

*clears schedule for the rest of the week*

I think Ricky’s getting the better deal; Gus is totally adorable and so it his boyfriend.

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The divorce is final, so what can Mel B do to keep herself in the news now?

Fight over visitation rights … Mel B claims her ex-husband Stephen Belafonte showed her three daughters—Phoenix, her daughter with Jimmy Gulzar; Angel, her daughter with Eddie Murphy; and Madison, their daughter—videos of ISIS beheading individuals:

“When I was not present, Stephen thought it was funny or educational (I still do not know) to play videos of ISIS beheading individuals. This was entirely inappropriate for such young girls, who do not understand what is happening in the videos. Angel has repeatedly told me about these videos and that she was scared and frightened that Stephen would expose her to such gruesome images.”

Mel wants to end Stephen’s visitation with Angel and says he has ALLEGEDLY been trying to get in touch with her by slipping his phone number into a teddy bear he told Madison to give to her. But, he ALLEGEDLY wants no contact with Phoenix, who says he played a video of ISIS beheading men during her 16th birthday trip. Phoenix said in a declaration:

“I never bonded with Stephen because he would call me names such as: ‘retarded’ and ‘stupid.’ He would do things which upset me … He would be very aggressive with Angel and Maddie if they broke the ‘rules,’ like talking when he was on the phone. He would just yell really up close to them.”

Okay, I get it, but why does Belafonte get any visitation with two of the kids who aren’t even his? And why does Mel B always pick jerks to get her pregnant?

Back in the day, when she says Eddie Murphy knocked her up, he refused to recognize Angel as his own until there was a paternity test; and even after, Eddie was not much of a father, so Stephen took over. Now, however, Eddie is all #TeamMel in stopping Belafonte form seeing his daughter.

Like I said, Mel B’s life is, and was, and probably will always be, a mess.

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Oh, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are fun, right?

It seems they hosted an Oscar party and shockingly didn’t try to cash in on it even though they are all about the coins. But, no, but they decided to mess with their guest’s heads by keeping the details weird and vague.

A source—and it Beyoncé, let’s be clear—says the Carters “wanted to mind-fuck everyone and keep everything mysterious and exclusive” about their party, which was held in the garage …the garage … of the Chateau Marmont in L.A.

Close friends didn’t know ahead of time if they were even invited, but once they knew they were going to a party, Bey and Jay made their arrival difficult as hell. Guests were sent up a hill past the hotel, through the kitchen and down a back entrance to the garage. There were no photographers and no red carpet … nobody mentioned Beyoncé or Jay-Z by name, but instead referred to them as simply “the host and hostess.” There was no performance by either Carter, the group of 200 guests simply mingled and relaxed with no press.

Really? We’re to believe Beyoncé and Jay-Z held a party, kept their names out of it, and didn’t take the stage and pass the hat?

Apparently, they enjoyed their secret party so much they wanna do it again next year, clearly unaware that once you announce you’re gonna do another secret party it’s really no longer a secret.

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You knew Barbra Streisand would be pissed about the dog cloning story, right? Well, there’s that, too.

Streisand is annoyed with both Variety and The New York Times which ran features on her that didn’t exactly rise to Babs’ precise standards. The issues that irked her have all been corrected in the online versions, but Babs still put out a “New Truth Alert” on her website BarbraStreisand.com.

Streisand says Variety misquoted her and made it sound like she didn’t really want the role of Fanny Brice in Funny Girl! which is scandalous:

“I fought hard for that part! How could they make that mistake? I loved the character of Fanny Brice (they even misspelled her name Franny)”

Even worse:

“Also, they originally said I had an awards room. I have a den where if you look in the doorway, you don’t see any awards! They’re hidden in the corners.”

Damn you Variety. Still, their blunders are nothing compared to what The New York Times did when they ran a photo of Miss Violet and Miss Scarlet, the two clones of Barbra’s beloved Coton de Tulear Sammie in a feature titled Barbra Streisand Explains: Why I Cloned My Dog.

“P.S. Even though the New York Times didn’t change a word I wrote about my beloved Samantha, I was disappointed that they did change the picture I sent. It was cut in half in the actual Sunday paper (I guess for space purposes), but it destroyed the intent and specialness of the full picture that was shown online. The point is, my little girls were looking at their mother pictured on her tombstone! It’s an amazing photo, taken by my longtime and dear assistant, Renata.”

Yup, Babs is annoyed that the NYT cropped out the headstone shot of the cloned doggies “mother.”

Seriously.

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Last week we talked Heather Locklear’s latest arrest for beating up her boyfriend, and now there’s a bit more to the story … a gun.

It seems that police showed up at Heather’s house again with a search warrant to retrieve a gun because, if you remember, .as Heather was being arrested, she ALLEGEDLY struck three police officers and then told them:

“If you ever come back to my house I will shoot you.”

And so the police raided Heather’s home looking for a handgun that was registered in Heather’s name, and that she has owned since 1985, but they found no gun.

Luckily, for now, there is no threat of heather using that gun on anyone as she is currently in a medical treatment facility … again.

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It's Snarkurday!

Mo’Nique has been out and about bashing Netflix because they offered her a measly $50,000 for a comedy special after offering Amy Schumer millions; to be fair, Amy sold out Madison Square Garden twice and had a hit movie in 2017 and Mo’Nique ……. Crickets.

This week she took her Cheese’n’Whine act to The View and one Whoopi Goldberg was not having it. When Joy Behar asked Mo’ to elaborate on her current status in Hollywood, she claimed to have been experiencing a backlash since starring in Precious:

“Eight years ago, I did a movie called Precious. On that film I received $50,000. That was not my argument, nor my fight because that’s what I signed up for. My deal was with a man named Lee Daniels. I did all of my contractual obligations and I was done. Then I started getting phone calls from Lee Daniels, Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey. They wanted me to come work for free. To go over to Cannes and promote this film internationally. I said to them, ‘Guys, my deal is with Lee Daniels and I’ve done my job.’ And they all agreed.”

Mo’Nique then tried to suggest that being asked to go to Cannes was somehow akin to being sexually harassed or assaulted:

“This is what happens, in my humble opinion, when you don’t go up to the hotel room.”

Seriously, she thinks a studio wanting you to promote a movie is the same as actresses getting assaulted in hotel rooms. And that’s when Whoopi had enough:

“I’m going to stop you, because contractually, when you make a movie, regardless of who you sign the deal with, your job is to go and promote said movie. So, when they wanted you to come — and we’ve had this conversation. I told you, ‘If you had called me, I could have schooled you on what was expected.’”

And Mo’Nique tried to explain, again:

“Now when I make this statement, ‘This is what happens when you don’t go to the room,’ what Tyler Perry showed me, Lee Daniels, Oprah Winfrey and Lionsgate, is when you don’t do what we ask you to do, we’ll take your livelihood. So, for eight years, my family has suffered, and my career has suffered because what I would not allow those entities to do was bully me. And because I didn’t allow the bullying to happen, this is now what I sit in.”

Seriously, you were asked to go promote a movie, as Whoopi said was part of your obligation, but because they didn’t throw more coins at you, you claim it’s a #MeToo moment?

Gurl bye.

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You may remember Veronica Morales who own an event planning company called Blue Ivy and has been sued, and is suing, Beyoncé because Beyoncé named her baby Blue Ivy and only Beyoncé can market a child for coins even though Veronica came up with that name way before Blue Ivy Carter was born.

Beyoncé is adamant about owning the trademark so she can begin selling merchandise under that name, but Veronica has long opposed the trademark filing and tried to settle with Bey.

And now she has revealed how she wants it settled … Morales wants Beyoncé to buy her business and the “Blue Ivy” trademark and then the two women could work together. And Morales will allow this to happen for $10 million.

Except Beyoncé doesn’t share coins with anyone whose name isn’t Knowles or Carter, so she said Oh hell no!

And now she and her legal team want all the evidence of Morales deal pitch, including her Power Point™ presentation because they say this was her plan all along … to sell her business for coins rather than close it because an egomaniacal pop tart wants control over a couple of words.

I am so Team Morales. Well, I am actually Team AnybodyButBeyonce.

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Last October, Ewan McGregor left his wife of 22 years, Eve Mavrakis, after having an affair with his Fargo costar Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Now, some say Ewan and Eve had sort of an open marriage though they never confirmed as much, but there were long-standing rumors of his affairs with multiple female costars over the years. But he always went back to Eve.

Until Winstead; until he filed for divorce; until he moved in with Winstead. Until that might be over, because ALLEGEDLY Mary Elizabeth Winstead is tired of being called a “homewrecker” and may have ended the affair.

I thought she might have ended it when Ewan won a Golden Globe earlier this year and, in his speech, thanked his wife and his mistress.

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Okay, Kevin Federline, the ex-mister Britney Spears, used to be The Joke … until Britney went Umbrella Bald Crazy and suddenly she became the joke, but …let us not forget that since K-Fed and Brit divorced, and Britney’s father became her conservator, he has had primary custody of their two sons and can decide how much time Britney spends with their sons; and he’s been pretty fair, from what they say, but …now K-Fed wants more coins after Brit’s successful Las Vegas residency, which has grossed some $137 million. And so K-Fed’s lawyer sent a letter to Spears’ team asking for an increase of the more than $20,000 a month he gets now … more than the $700 a day he gets now.

Both parties are hoping to reach an amicable agreement without having to go to court, though if they do it will be K-Fed and Papa Spears facing off because, sadly, legally, Brit has no standing with either money or her kids.

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Poor Heather Locklear … she has another mugshot to add to her I’m Trying To Beat Lohan In The Mugshot Sweepstakes collection. That's the old one on the left, and the newest one is to the right.

Her last mugshot came last year after she drove her Porsche into a ditch in Thousand Oaks and was found to be more than a little drunk’n’high. But this time the mugshot is because she was arrested at her home for ALLEGEDLY beating up her boyfriend, Chris Heisser, and then attacking a police officer.

Shades of LuAnn de Lesseps!

Apparently, Heather’s brother, Mark, showed up at her house in time to see the main attraction of his sister pummeling her boyfriend, and calling 911.  When police arrived, they saw a “visible mark” on Heisser, so they tried to arrest her, but Locklear wasn’t going down without another fight; she began flailing around and kicking at least three deputies who eventually put her into handcuffs and took her to a hospital for “evaluation.” She’s been charged with felony domestic violence and 3 counts of misdemeanor battery on emergency personnel.

Heather has been arrested for DUI before, and last year, she went to rehab for the fifth time for her addiction to booze and pills. In 2012, she was accused of punching then-boyfriend Jack Wagner in the face during a fight where they both got violent on each other.

Cue the next I’m going to rehab statement.

And, to make it even more interesting, a few hours after Heather’s arrest for beating him up, Chris Heisser was arrested for DUI on the 101 freeway.

Oh, they sound fun!

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And keeping with the Old School Melrose Place gossip, it looks like Jamie Lunar, who played Lexi on the show, may have sexually abused a minor back in the day.

A thirty-something man has filed a sexual misconduct report with the LAPD claiming that when he was 16 years old in 1998, Jamie Luner, 27 at the time, performed oral sex on him.

To be fair, there are no details on where it happened or if the man was a teen actor at the time, and while the police are investigating, it’s unlikely that they’ll file charges against since the statute of limitations is up.

Still, Melrose Place off-screen must have been as wild as Melrose Place on-screen.

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They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a cloned version of your dead dog if you’re Barbra Streisand.

Last year, Bab’s beloved 14-year-old Sammie Streisand went … to live on a farm where he could run free. I mean, at least I think that’s where he went, my parents always told me when our pets suddenly disappeared, that they were living on a farm somewhere, so maybe Sammie’s there, too.

Anyway, in a recent Variety story, Streisand claimed that she has Sammie cloned after taking cells from her stomach and mouth—the dog’s, not Bab’s—before Sammie passed. And so now, Bab’s has three Coton du Tulears: Miss Fanny, a distant cousin of Sammie’s, and Miss Violet and Miss Scarlett, who are clones of the dead dog:

“They have different personalities. I’m waiting for them to get older so I can see if they have her [Samantha’s] brown eyes and seriousness.”

Luckily Bab’s is made of cash because it costs upwards of $50,000 to clone one dog.

I wonder what might happen if Streisand’s husband, James Brolin, goes to live on a farm one day; I mean, if Bab’s stays true to form there might be a couple of Brolin Clones walking about Malibu, and if she’s cool with it, I’ll take one.

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Last fall, Ryan Seacrest tried to get ahead of a #MeToo story wherein a former stylist had filed an ALLEGED sexual harassment complaint by apologizing while dubbing the ALLEGATIONS “reckless.” The E! channel then launched an internal investigation and concluded there was “insufficient evidence” to support the ALLEGATIONS against Seacrest.

That seemed to end the story until this week when the female … I was shocked, too … accuser stepped up to share the details.

Suzie Hardy worked as Seacrest’s stylist on E! News from 2007 to 2013 after his personal assistant found her; that same assistant then hinted that Seacrest was hard for Hardy and that’s when she ALLEGES that Seacrest started asking to help him all the time, even when she wasn’t needed; like the time he summoned her to his home to tie a tie for him. Then, while getting Seacrest ready for the 2007/2008 New Year’s Rocking Eve special, he ALLEGEDLY asked Hardy to take a nap with him.

Seriously? Naps and hugs? Was she his stylist or his Nana? But eventually, things got physical.  Hardy ALLEGES that in 2007, Ryan, wearing only his underwear … Underoos™? … wrapped her in a bear hug, something she claims he did quite often whilst wearing just his boy briefs. Hardy also claims Seacrest confronted her once and said:

“I just don’t think you’re attracted to me.”

And she replied:

“I’m attracted to my paycheck.”

In 2008, Seacrest ALLEGEDLY walked up behind Hardy, slipped his hand onto her crotch, and asked if she was going to sue him; she replied she wouldn’t if she remained employed.

That seems odd, but in addition to Hardy stepping forward, a former co-worker also claims to have seen evidence of Seacrest’s misbehavior. He says he saw Seacrest trip Hardy many times, and once saw him ALLEGEDLY push her head into his crotch while she tied his shoes. The co-worker also claims to have seen Seacrest, again in his underwear, rub his erect penis against Hardy after pushing her onto a hotel bed while preparing for the 2009 Oscars. He only stopping after that co-worker yelled at him to stop. Lastly, Hardy says that when she began dating a high-powered attorney, Seacrest ALLEGEDLY asked if she had “fucked him” yet while grabbing at her crotch.

In 2013, Human Resources from E! approached Hardy about relationship with Ryan and she swore there was nothing physical between the two, but that he had been inappropriate with her many times; two weeks later she was fired.

E! has released a statement saying that any claims questioning the legitimacy of their investigation are “baseless” and then Seacrest’s attorney went after Hardy, accusing her of lying and using the story to get $15 million from Seacrest.

Look, if Ryan Seacrest, wearing his Garanimal™ tried to rub a hard penis against me, I’d want $15 million and a Silkwood Scrubdown.

I need a bath just writing this …

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Someone should be careful about dogging anyone else’s films after starring in the misfire mother and playing a cartoon version of a cartoon Russian spy in Red Sparrow.

Amirite Jennifer Lawrence?

While out promoting her next disaster film—not to be confused with films about disasters—Lawrence appeared on Marc Maron’s WTF to dump all over Phantom Thread. JLaw loves couture fashion, but not films about couture fashion, I’m guessing. She says she tried to watch Phantom Thread but couldn’t make it past the first three minutes:

“I got through about three minutes of it. I put in a good solid three. I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie. I couldn’t give that kind of time. It was three minutes and I was just [oof].”

Funny, I sat through a four-minute trailer for Red Sparrow before I said ‘oof’ and marked another minute off of Jennifer Lawqrence’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame.

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