It's Snarkurday!

Kim Kardastrophe gave an interview to Rolling Stone, not because she’s a musician, but probably because Rolling Stone was trying to back their junk upon Kanye. I mean, why else would the Kash Kow grace the cover? And why would she use the interview to bash her brother, Rob?

She began talking, again, about his weight issues, and places the blame on his love for weed and video games, but, and this, like Kim’s, is a big but, she wants y’all to know that Rob doesn’t do meth because, wait for it, then “he’d be skinny.”

It’s no wonder that last year Rob posted that picture of the Amy Dunne sociopath character in Gone Girl and compared it to Kim; and it’s no wonder that now Rob has blocked Kim from his phone. Next up, how to block the Kash Kow from his life.

I don’t get Vince Vaughn’s career. I mean, it started out good with Swingers but then dissolved into sidekick’s to Jennifer Aniston in rom-coms and second-rate Adam Sandler films that even Sandler wouldn’t do. So, it’s no surprise that rumor has it that Vaughn’s turn on True Detective could be his last shot at any kind legitimate Hollywood career and if he messes this up, well, The Internship Two, anyone?

And it doesn’t help that he has the reputation for being a douche, and feuding with co-stars, like Taylor Kitsch, though Kitsch denied it, while Vince never did. And now, ALLEGEDLY, Vince was a dickwad to a disabled fan who approached him at a Chicago Blackhawks game.

A witness — and it could be Lohan because she’s turning down jobs left and right … more to follow on that — says:

“Vince could see that the boy needed a walker and that it was a struggle just to get through the stands. But when he asked for a photo, Vince said ‘Not now, I’m concentrating on warm-ups.’”

The game had not even started and he couldn’t be bothered, so, yeah, he’s a douche, and if we’re lucky he’ll never be seen or heard from again.

So, Paris Hilton is a big fat liar. Yeah, I know … big news!??!

It seems the blond has-been threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of a show that pranked Paris by making her believe she was on a plane that was about to crash. Yeah, reality TV has sunk to a new low when the funny is making people think they’re going to die, but it gets worse because this is Paris and she’s a big fat liar.

See, Paris freaked out in the video, screaming and crying and whining, and claiming she knew nothing about the prank, except now comes word that she was in on it.

A document released by that Egyptian company showed they would pay big bucks to any American celebrity — and apparently, to them, Paris applies — who agrees to playact fear in a fake plane crash video:

“We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board [and] we will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”

Most celebrities said No, but Paris jumped at the chance to appear in a video — I mean, she jumped at the chance to appear in a porn video to launch her “career” so why is this a shock?

When asked about it now, Paris who first denied knowing it was a prank, and threatened to sue the producers, now says she knew it was a joke but that the show took it too far.

Still, she cashed the million dollar paycheck. Hmmm, I guess she is still whoring herself out on video.

And now Lindsay Lohan … still outta work; still living in London, and apparently bouncing from one friend’s couch to another because she has no job and no prospects.

Well, she had a prospect: Burger King. And yet she turned down the chance to promote their new Chicken Fries, although maybe it was because she was supposed to wear a Spicy Chicken Fries box, smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette, and vamp a “spicy” monologue.

A BK insider says: “We were gob-smacked. It was making fun of her issues.”

But Lohan and her managers had other ideas, and, well, there was also the fact that Lindsay Lohan thinks she’s a movie star and began acting all demanding and shiz until BK reps told her to get lost.

Perhaps she’s waiting for Zaxby’s to call when they’re ready to roll out their Firecrotch burger?

And cue the new film Xenu and the Attack of the Thetans … cuz rumor has it that Tommy Grrl Cruise is ready to quit Scientology. And, if the rumors are true — and aren’t they always — Tommy’s bailing on the cult because of Suri.

See, he hasn’t seen his daughter with Katie “I Scaled A Fence To Get Away From Crazy” Holmes in many, many months because … ALLEGEDLY … the “Church” isn’t happy that Suri isn’t being raised by a bunch of LRon-aliens and so they have forbidden Tommy from seeing her. Now he wants out, and in a case of too bad, so sad for the cult, he’s taking his wallet and his special brand of crazy that the Scientologist’s just love, with him.

Or, maybe he’s just pretending to leave the church so Katie will let him trot out Suri on his worldwide Mission Impossible 64: It’s The Same Movie With A New Number premiere tour so that he looks like a normal dad and not some cult-loving loon?

Yeah, that’s what I think, too.

Will The View never learn? I mean, every single time the rumor mill buzzes that someone is leaving the show — and there have been 783 hosts since the show began — producers release a statement saying everyone is happy there and no one is going anywhere until … cut to a few scant weeks later and the rumor becomes fact.

This time it’s Rosie Perez, who was the subject of Leaving The View Rumors just a couple of months ago with producers saying it wasn’t so, only to now be forced to announce that… Perez is leaving The View.

Executive producer Bill Wolff says Perez has decided to focus on acting, which makes no sense because she did a film and a Broadway play while on the show—and she co-starred in one of my all-time favorite films, Fearless, so I prefer my Perez acting and not chatting on that Should-Have-Been-Cancelled-Long-Ago show.

And when will producers learn that these rumors are always proven to be true? I mean, the only real surprise departure was when Starr Jones waddled away from the table a few months ahead of her planned firing.

Oh Paula. Didn’t I ask you to go away a while ago after rumors of your rampant racism were proven to be true? Didn’t I ask you to shutter your Butter Palace and never be heard from again because, as a racist, you cannot help yourself? You should’a listened to me, Paula.

Last week Deen — or someone she calls her social media manager, AKA the unemployed actor who works on his laptop in the Starbucks on the corner of Racist and Bigot — Tweeted a picture of Dean dressed as Lucy Ricardo, along with her son dressed as Ricky and sporting Brownface because, well, Cubans are brown, In Paula Deen’s world. The picture was an old one, no doubt, said to be from an episode of her long dead Food Network show, but still …

We all know that Blackface is reprehensible, and that painting one’s skin yellow to portray an Asian is downright stupid, so why did Deen find it necessary to Shoe Polish her son’s melon so he could be Ricky?

And let’s not even discuss the creepiness of a Mother-and-Son dressing up as Husband-and-Wife because, well, who knows what goes on in Paula’s ButterBallroom.

Sidenote: Paula says she has fired her “social media manager” which means someone needs to pay for their own Mochachinos from now on.

So, the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California is suing actor Tom Selleck for ALLEGEDLY stealing … water. Well, there is a severe drought in California, so I guess water thievery is the newest crime wave.

Selleck and his wife, Jillie Mack, are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousand Oaks, then using water trucks to transport the water to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm.

The water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of a fire hydrant and drove it to Tom’s farm some 12 times over 18 months. The water district wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California, but he kept doing it.

So, the water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting and now demand that Selleck pay them back and pay their attorney fees and give back all that water and shave off that ridiculous looking mustache.

Selleck, for his part, is staying dry-mouthed and quiet.

Good things come in small packages, and ill-behaving, self-indulgent asshatted divas come in the smallest package of all: Ariana Grande.

It seems — according to surveillance video — that Grande terrorized Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, California along with her boyfriend/babysitter Ricky Alvarez, when they entered the store and began licking … yes, licking … donuts on the counter for which they did not, and would not, purchase. Then when one of the workers at the donut show brings out a new tray of goods, Ariana doesn’t lick them, instead she looks at the worker and says, and I quote:

“What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

 Naturally her handlers, and that little diva needs a truckload of handlers, tried to walk back her disgusting behavior by saying she supports marriage equality … huh?

“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”

Then the bobble-headed, soon-to-be-over little brat issued her own non-apology:

“I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county [sic]. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.

As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me.

We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of [sic] known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.”

First off, get thee back to school and learn how to spell and how to form a sentence.

Then shut up, because no one believe you behaved like an out-of-control bitch because you’re worried about childhood obesity. You care about one thing and one thing only: your reputation and career.

Somewhere, on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Mimi is howling with laughter.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande is a diva. She actually out-mariahs Mariah, y’all, especially if you say ‘Mariah’ in her presence. And more and more people are talking about her diva attitude, which kinda lends credence to every story that follows.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan since Lindsay’s broke and selling “I Rolled Whitney Through The Morgue” stories for cash — says, “Having a preferred side is nothing new. Barbra Streisand, Mariah Carey and even Tina Fey have them. The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from X side. With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning … Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”

This week, a behind-the-scenes video of Grande’s Marie Claire cover shoot surfaced, showing the pop starlet — who is currently dating Naya Rivera’s leftovers, AKA fiancé Big Sean —walking around the set during which time she is photographed Left Side Only.

When asked to confirm whether Grande prefers to be filmed from her left side only, a Marie Claire publicist says, “Ariana arrived on set wearing jeggings, a black Nadia Tarr tank top, black suede Louis Vuitton pumps, and a beige Prada tote, sporting her signature high ponytail. ‘It’s a natural face-lift,’ she joked.”

Uh huh. No comment would have been easier, and that’s just what Ariana’s people said … nothing.

I guess I called it wrong — I do that … sometimes — but the other night Lindsay Lohan actually made her stage debut in London’s West End revival of Speed-the-Plow. She didn’t call in sick; she wasn’t found passed out in the mini-bar of her hotel; she didn’t steal any jewels during intermission; she wasn’t rushed to hospital suffering exhaustion in the third act.

But the reviews; ah, the reviews. They range from “trainwreck” to “boring” — with “trainwreck” being American for “Lindsay Lohan,” I think.

According to some London papers, both Lindsay and her co-star, Richard Schiff — formerly of The West Wing­ — had serious problems remembering their lines: note to Dick Schiff, do not drink from Lindsay’s water” bottle backstage; note to Lohan: stop reading your lines from the inside of a prop book onstage because it didn’t fool the audience at all!

And, since Lohan was playing the part of a delusional, obsessive compulsive, many in the audience thought she was playing herself and actually laughed out loud during certain parts of the dramatic play. Such as when Lindsay missed her cue; now, to be fair, the audience waited patiently, but when she still said nothing, the tee-hee-ing began, which lead to actual laughter when Schiff’s character said to Lohan’s character, “You have done a fantastic job!”

Later, when Lohan’s Karen said, I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad,” the audience guffawed.

Guffawed! Ow.

After her Butter Palace melted last year when the world learned of her racist comments and racist policies at her restaurants, people began dropping Paula Deen like a bad racist habit. And so, with her wallet on the line, she began a media assault rivaled only by the storming of the beaches of Normandy in the Second World War.

She was everywhere, tears streaming down her face, the I’m sorry’s drizzling like molasses from her lips. She was wrong, she was misunderstood, it was a different time … you know, when racism was good and The Colored Folk knew their place; Paula’s utopia. And then she was gone and life was good and low-calorie again.

Only now Deen’s comes roaring back to sit with Matt Lauer on The today Show again and talk again and apologize again. Lauer started off by reminding us how many companies dropped Paula after she admitted to tossing the N-word around like she was dressing an endive salad, but he failed to talk about how Paula wanted the black employees at her restaurants to dress up like Mammies and Pappies in their cute little jackets and how they should jump through hoops and call her Miss Paula and kiss her feet when she deigned to acknowledge them,.

Then it was Paula’s turn to talk; she said she shouldn’t have been on Today last year, that she should’ve been at home under a doctor’s care — apparently there’s a medical reason for being a giant racist f%k — and then she started pimping out her latest project, an online recipe subscription page … for whites only … okay, maybe she didn’t say whites only, but it was implied, I’m sure.

Matt asked Paula what she’s learned about herself and the tears came, and the sad eyes came, and the drawl came out stronger than ever:

“I’ve learned so much over the year, it’s going to require another book. We are working on a documentary that’s going to air on [my] network because I feel like everybody needs to know the whole entire story.”

Ka-ching! I’m going to make a profit off my racism because those asshats that think I’ve been treated badly will pay to hear me whine some more … and whine some more she did:

“It’s the power of words, I don’t care how old they are, words are so powerful. They can hurt, they can make people happy. Well, my words hurt people. They disappointed people, frankly I disappointed myself. For that, I’m so sorry for the hurt, I caused people because it went deep. People lost their jobs, it went deep into corporate America. I’m here to make people happy, not to bring sadness.”

That’s southern for: “I’m sorry for all the money I lost.”

Bless her heart. That’s Southern for: “Shut up you ignorant bitch.”

Kim Kardashian got naked in front of some cameras. Again.

Apparently, someone hacked Kim’s iCloud — or, what I think happened, That Woman emailed the pictures for a pre-fixed amount — and found some nekkid pictures of The Kardastrophe that have now found their way into the public domain.

Show of hands … who’s surprised? Who’s surprised that a woman who made her name on being the star of a homemade porn tape that her own mother shopped around to garner some attention, would have nekkid pictures of herself stolen? Anyone?

That’s what I thought.

Now, on the other hand, actress Gabrielle Union also had some of her nude photos hacked and then leaked to the media, too.

I’m ambivalent about all of this and here’s why, Gabby: I’ve never taken a nude selfie because I know, yes, I know, that if you have those kinds of pictures on any kind of electronic device, they can be stolen. Now, I also know that no one wants to see my nude selfie because I’m not some famous person … like you, a basketball player’s wife.

But here’s what I also find odd; it’s been a few weeks since the first round of Nudie Hacking started and so why didn’t any of these new women think, Uh oh, I’ve got some nekkids out there I better delete ‘em and get my phone into a Silkwood scrubdown.

Well, because it’s publicity; the kind you can act all shocked about; the kind you can pretend you don’t want — like when all the starlets and hookers, from Britney to Paris to Lindsay were flashing they’re vaginas while getting out of cars — even though you took the pictures, and saved the pictures, and possibly even sent the pictures through the internet ether to whomever you thought wanted to see your ladybits.

You don’t want your nude selfies hacked and leaked then DON’T TAKE NUDE SELFIES.

Problem solved … and you’re welcome.

My ears! My ears!

I’m just practicing, but y’all better get ready, too, because Kylie Jenner has finally realized that she’ll never be a Big-Assed Porn Star married to a Big Headed Maniac, and she won’t be a Rail Thin Model, so she’s going into Ali Lohan Mode: she’s gonna sing, y’all!

A source—and you know it’s That Woman—says, “Kylie has found her calling in life — to be a singer! She is in training right now with vocal coach and producer, Tim Carter.”

Carter produced Willow Smith’s one-hit-wonder “Whip My Hair” and has worked with Kanye’s former BFFs Jay Z and Beyoncé, and nothing is too good for That Woman’s paycheck, er, daughter.  In fact, That Woman says, “Kylie is now working on her first single! She is telling everyone that she knows she is going to be the next Katy Perry.”

There isn’t enough money in the world to make that happen, but what I do see happening is a Kylie Jenner-Ali Lohan duet called “We’re Not Our Sisters But Our Mother’s Still Whore Us Out.”

I might buy that.

Gwyneth Paltrow keeps acting like she’s fine after consciously uncoupling with her husband and after schtupping Brad Falchuk, the married, but now headed for divorce, big-shot from Glee, but is she really okay now that Chris is dating the much younger, far more talented, far more fun loving, Oscar winner and triple nominee, Jennifer Lawrence?

The simple answer is No.

They might be “consciously uncoupled” but Paltrow still making sure she has a place in Chris Martin’s life … well, not in his life, but in his weekly schedule.

In fact, while she publicly says she’s happy he’s dating JLaw — and you know she’s not because JLaw is JLaw and Paltrow is a Martha Stewart-wannabe-not-gonna-happen — she’s created a set schedule for Chris on when, and how long, and possibly with whom, he can see his children.

A source — and it could be Martha still on the attack — says, “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends. The way things are at the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

Except for JLaw, who seems unfazed by the whole thing, even becoming a sort of Coldplay groupie and following Chris around the country while Goop sits at home and tried to fill in martin’s calendar with play-dates and Mommy and Me time.

Now, let’s end with more Ariana …

A man has posted a story of the time his young daughter — a former Grande fan but now not so much — met her idol.

One day, in 2011, before she was anything more than a Nickelodeon blip, Ariana tweeted that she would be visiting the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor in Las Vegas. A young girl begged her dad to drive her down to the hotel — they lived nearby — so she could sneak a peek at her idol.

They waited outside, hoping to see Ariana, and she finally made an appearance with her mother and two other people. Ariana, spotting her fan, said, “Hi. Do you want a picture?”

“Yes, please. I’m such a fan of yours. I saw your tweet and hoped I could come down and meet you.”

“Aww, that’s so cool,” replied Ariana, “What’s your name?”

They chatted for a minute or two, and then posed for a photo. Ariana said she thought she looked terrible in the photo — maybe it was a Rightie? — asked for a do-over, hugged her young fan and left.

Flash forward to August, 2014. Ariana is a superstar and MTV is running a contest for fans to meet her at the MTV Music Awards. This same young girl enters the contest by producing some artwork about Ariana and writing a letter about how much she loves the budding superdiva. The girl was interviewed via phone by an MTV rep and a few days later it was announced that she was one of two winners.

She went to Hollywood, stayed in a hotel, and was told to get to the L.A. Forum for a 5PM meeting with Ariana. MTV didn’t provide transportation, so she took a cab and made it to the Forum, but was not allowed inside or even permitted to wait in the parking lot.

At some point she was allowed into the parking lot — where the winners and guests stayed—but kept being pushed back as more “important” people came in; it was now past 7:30PM. Finally, someone from MTV told her that she and the other winner would be interviewed on camera, and were to talk about what it was like meeting Ariana— even though the interview was taped before Grande ever appeared; in addition, they were each told what to say.

After the fake interview, Ariana arrived to do her own interview, away from her fans; afterwards she approached them without so much as a smile, and was surrounded by 8 to 10 assistants who barked instructions to her fans:  “You are not to present Ariana with any type of gift or anything. Give them to security and they will get them to her. You can take a selfie with her, but nothing else.”

Then Mariana, er Ariana, came over. She spent 15 seconds with each winner, took the pre-approved photos and that was it. No talking, no smiling, no thank you. She never bothered to even ask their names. She didn’t inquire as to who the contest winners were, as opposed to their guests, or what they created to win the right to meet her, but the young girl walked up to her and said “Ari, here’s a photo we took together in Vegas at the Titanic…”

Grande glanced at the photo on the girl’s phone and said, “Let’s redo that picture.”

She said nothing else, so the girl retook the photo, and then gave Ariana one of the drawings that won the contest for her; when the girl’s sister began taking pictures of her sister and Grande, Ariana snapped: “Delete those pictures, please."

The sister asked if she could keep the one of her sister showing the drawing, and Ariana turned to her security and ordered, “Make sure she deleted those.” Then she walked away without a word leaving the MTV reps — shocked by what they’d seen — to say, “Sometimes celebrities are like that.”

Some celebrities are bitches, and their fans don’t forget.