I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Money can’t buy happiness, or so some folks say, but apparently it can by your daughter an NAACP Image award … if you’re Blue Ivy and your parents are famewhores Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Yes, Blue Ivy won an award for … wait for it, it’s epic and shady and quite the joke … for Songwriting and Singing!

At last week’s 51st annual NAACP Image awards Beyoncé received a music win for “Outstanding Duo, Group or Collaboration” for the song “Brown Skin Girl”, which features vocals from Blue Ivy so she, too, won an award.

It looks like another awards show that will do anything to get Beyoncé to show up.

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Lindsay Lohan is busy. I mean, she’s managing her sister’s career, she host events at nightclubs—or she’s a hostess at Applebee’s, I forget—and she’s a panelist on Masked Singer Australia, and now Lindsay has wormed her way to her best and favorite career … no, not call girl or drug mule … as an actor!

According to the Hollywood Reporter, my BFF Lohan is in the final rounds of negotiations to star in her next big feature entitled Cursed …which is not the story of her career thus far. The film is set to star Mickey Rourke and will be a supernatural thriller directed by Steven Monroe who directed the 2010 remake of the cult horror classic and twelve-time Oscar winning film … I kid … I Spit on Your Grave. 

Starring Lohan, it might be retitled I Spit on Your Career.

Mickey will play a famous psychiatrist who has to team up with Lindsay’s character … a police detective … wait, is it a comedy? … to try and stop crazed psychiatric patient … a role written for Lindsey though she passed on it … from killing five people held hostage in a remote house.

Sounds horrifying.

You know, cuz it may star Lohan and Rourke.

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You know a show about wannabees trying to become famous singers has jumped the shark when they stage an emergency and hire quite possibly the most horrible actress—only her singing is worse—to act the part of victim.

Apparently …ALLEGEDLY … there was a gas leak on the set of American Idol a while back and Katy Perry chose to use that moment to create an audition tape.

In that episode, Katy complains about smelling gas; the script went like this:

Katy: “Do you guys smell gas? It’s pretty intense!”

Luke Bryan: “We’re getting heavy propane.”

Katy: “I have a slight headache from it … Oh, it’s bad, it’s really bad.”

Sirens go off! Contestants are rushed from the room! Ryan Seacrest hides behind women and children!

Katy, to a group of firefighters standing around her: “I’m not feeling good.”

And she falls, daintily to the ground, throwing a leg up as she does so.

And the Oscar goes to ….the firefighters who struggled not to laugh as Katy feigned her ‘illness’.

Seriously.

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When last we left-unhappily-married-for-twelve-days Jon Peters and Pamela Anderson, we learned that he wasn’t keen on the idea of having a media whore for a wife so he texted d-i-v-o-r-c-e- to her and that was that. Seventy-four-year-old Jon said he wanted to live a quiet live and …

He dumped 52-year-old  Anderson and ran back to his 34-year-old ex-girlfriend, ‘actress’ Julia Faye West, the woman he was engaged to until Pammy came along.

Jon and Pamela got married on January 20 and were done by Groundhog’s Day when Punxsutawney Phil came out, saw his shadow and told Jon the marriage was over.

Sources—Pamela Anderson—say the “marriage” ended because Jon was very controlling and didn’t like Pamela hustling for Jasmin.com. Other sources—Jon—say Pamela dumped him after he paid her debts, totaling $200,000.

And that makes Pammy mad:

“I don’t need anyone to pay my bills. I own a $10-million-dollar house in Malibu Colony!”

Foot stomp; she told him.

Anyway, now Jon is once again back in the arms of Julia Faye West, the co-star of   Reality Queen!, alongside acting titans Denise Richards and Mike Tyson.

Julia, like Pamela, has a “passion for animal welfare,” and has “rescued countless animals.” She’s also an author of books that “emphasize positivity and self-esteem.” She is “enjoying a spirited journey into all aspects of wellness” and described her ideal man as “a perfectly imperfect human being who loves me like I’m a rose in full bloom with him.”

It looks like Peters broke up with a 34-year-old version of Pamela Anderson for Original Recipe Anderson, and then got back together with the reboot.

Okurrrrr ….

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Last week Beyoncé performed at the Kobe and Gianna Bryant Celebration of Life at the Staples Centre in LA and, well, this happened …

While photographers were allowed at the event, Beyoncé’s “team”—minions—banned all of them from taking pictures of her while she was performing because, as we remember from her 2013 Superbowl Halftime show, she gets the ugly on when she sings. And when photos from that event turned up on the internet, Beyoncé’s team minions tried to have them banned from the internet!

Get over yourself. You’re a lip-syncing weave in a wind tunnel.

PS Here are those photos Bey tried to ban …

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What do you do if you’re a Lohan and you’ve been arrested for DUI?

And what do you do if you’re another Lohan and you get arrested for DUI?

Well, if you’re Lindsay’s Mama, Dina Lohan, and if you’re Lindsay’s Step-Mama, Kate Major Lohan, you move in together.

Serious. Dina and Kate are now full-on living together and commiserating over their terrible 2020s.

Dina was arrested for driving under the influence after she hit and run a parked car at an Outback Steakhouse. Naturally, she denies being drunk and claims police brutality—the police stopped her from drinking, I’m guessing, and it was brutal—Kate was also arrested for drunk driving—with a BAC of 0.24—after an anonymous tipster Michael Lohan notified police. And the next day Michael was arrested for ALLEGEDLY choking Kate and he says she was just getting back at him for the snitch.

So now, Dina and Kate have admitted to being white trash low-life’s and have decided to share expenses … cuz liquor and Uber don’t come cheap, y’all.

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Look, I get that the coronavirus is nothing to sneeze at …bad pun …. Nothing to laugh at, but even a global pandemic has its upside:

There is an outbreak of the virus in Venice, Italy production has been shut down on the seventh Mission: Impossible movie.

Like I said, silver linings…always look for the silver lining.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Since yesterday was Valentine’s Day and all about love, I wanted to share a real love story with you today …

Last Monday Michael ‘Lindsay’s Dad’ Lohan was arrested for the umpteeth time—I’m channeling my grandmother there—for ALLEGEDLY choking his soon-to-be-or-maybe-not-ex-wife—see, it is a love story—Kate Major.

But, and this is where it gets rich, and then drinks and drives, Kate Major was arrested the day before Michael for what we call Pulling A Lohan, i.e. drunk driving. And Michael is now ALLEGING that Kate made the whole assault thing up because he tipped off the police that she was going all Dina Lohan behind the wheel of a car. And so Kate got revenge by saying Michael choked her.

Michael claims that he and Kate made plans to meet with his lawyer on Monday to discuss her latest her arrest—like a good Lohan this wasn’t her first drunken rodeo—and then Kate was going to go to rehab … cuz it helped Lindsay, you know.

Big surprise, though, at the lawyer’s office when police showed up to arrest Michael Lohan for assault.

These kids. Perhaps they can get adjoining cells because theirs is a love for the ages.

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And now here’s more on that love, not for the ages, but for twelve days, the breakup of Pammy Anderson and Jon Peters.

He ended the marriage via text, y’all! Ain’t that modern? Jon’s reason for ending their love story of barely two weeks for the ages is that , wait for it, it’s epic, he’s old and wants some quiet:

“It made me realize that at 74 I need a simple quiet life and not an international love affair. Therefore, I think the best thing we can do is that I’m going to go away for a couple of days and maybe you need to go back up to Canada. We did it. The world knows we did it and I think now we need to go our own separate ways. I hope that you can forgive me.”

-So, it’s the I’m-so-in-love-with-you-that-I-married-you-but-now-I-need-a-nap-because-I’m-old-and-you’re-a-party-girl-so-I-have-to-end-our-marriage-after-twelve-days text.

Ah, love.

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Oh Madge, take a seat.

After nearly three hundred years spent thumbing her nose at convention by parading around in her underwear and rubbing her crotch all over sexy Jesus’ one would think Madonna would know all about censorship. But she doesn’t even know what the word means.

At her recent Madame X show at the London Palladium, Madge’s set went past the 11:00PM curfew so the venue shut off the lights while she was still on stage and this sent her Royal Assholiness into a rage. She accused the Palladium of censorship and of trying to kill everybody by dropping an iron fire curtain on her head. But that’s not exactly how it happened, well, except inside Madge’s full-of-herself head.

Madonna, whose shows often run late because she starts them late, posted an angry video of the moment on Instagram in which she can be heard shouting:

“Censorship, censorship, motherfucking censorship.”

More like “Time’s up, Nana.” Still, Madge railed:

“It was five minutes past our 11 p.m. curfew, we had one more song to do and The Palladium decided to censor us by pulling down the metal fire curtain that weighs nine tons. Fortunately they stopped it halfway and no one was hurt. Many thanks to the entire audience who did not move and never left us. Power to the people!!”

Power to the people? Bitch, you were supposed to be off stage at 11, but since you can’t drag your ass onstage at the right time, the Palladium smacked you down and that’s censorship?

The Palladium has a different take; they say Madge had already been warned about running late, and that “contrary to a number of reports, at no point during last night’s performance did staff at The London Palladium pull down, or attempt to pull down, the Iron Fire Curtain.”

Madge? Take a good long seat and take some of the blame for yourself. If I’d been running the Iron Curtain I would’a dropped it during your first number.

Now that’s censorship.

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Don’t piss off the CGI Nerds. Learn that lesson.

You see, after the Oscars the Visual Effects Society, the group of people who make special effects in movies, is not happy that everyone keeps blaming that $70 million bomb, AKA Cats, on the horrific special effects … like Dame Judi Dench’s cat having, egads, human hands!

And they are not happy with how James Corden and Rebel Wilson dragged the movie at the Oscars while presenting the award for Best Visual Effects. And the group of over 4000 visual effects artists released an angry statement, calling out Hollywood for blaming the movie’s cat litter box office and reviews on how it looked:

“Last night, in presenting the Academy Award for outstanding visual effects, the producers chose to make visual effects the punchline, and suggested that bad VFX were to blame for the poor performance of the movie Cats.

The best visual effects in the world will not compensate for a story told badly.

On a night that is all about honoring the work of talented artists, it is immensely disappointing that The Academy made visual effects the butt of a joke. It demeaned the global community of expert VFX practitioners doing outstanding, challenging and visually stunning work to achieve the filmmakers’ vision. Our artists, technicians and innovators deserve respect for their remarkable contributions to filmed entertainment, and should not be presented as the all-too-convenient scapegoat in service for a laugh …

Moving forward, we hope that The Academy will properly honor the craft of visual effects–and all of the crafts, including cinematography and film editing–because we all deserve it.”

Like I said, Nerd Bash and you will get a letter!

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Oh god, when will someone take Wendy Williams show away from her? The big story on WW last month was that Wendy denied that she farted on her own show. Big news! And now, because that story no longer stinks the most, she’s gone after The Gays.

Last week Wendy turned a harmless bit about Galentine’s Day into a rant about gay men wanting to be women because, you know, homophobes think like that. Now, Wendy has been accused of transphobia in the past, especially when it came to both Chaz Bono and Caitlyn Jenner; she’s proven herself to be seriously stupid, but during Hot Topics last week, Wendy asked who in her audience was going to celebrate Galentine’s Day and when some men started clapping, she let them know that GD isn’t for them, and then she went off about how gay men want to be women.

“If you’re a man and you’re clapping, you’re not even a part of this. You don’t understand the rules of the day. It’s women going out and getting saucy and then going home. You’re not a part. I don’t care if you’re gay. You don’t get a menses every 28 days. You can do a lot that we do, but I get offended by the idea that we go through something you will never go through. And stop wearing our skirts and our heels. Just saying, girls, what do we have for ourselves? Looky here now, gay men, you’ll never be the women that we are. No matter how gay.”

Bitch is crazy … crazy stupid and homophobic and needs to be taken off air and hauled back to rehab.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When Pamela Anderson married her long-ago-ex-boyfriend—they dated in the 80s—she crafted a poem about their union as “God’s plan.”

Oops, said God. See, Pam and Jon, each married five times, have split up after 12 days of their God’s plan marriage.

Now Pammy’s saying more nonsense:

“I have been moved by the warm reception to Jon and my union. We would be very grateful for your support as we take some time apart to re-evaluate what we want from life and from one another. Life is a journey and love is a process. With that universal truth in mind, we have mutually decided to put off the formalization of our marriage certificate and put our faith in the process. Thank you for respecting our privacy.”

Take time off? The thirty years between first date and marriage wasn’t enough time?

Bitch please.

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Speaking of other failed marriages, there are still court cases being fought between Johnny Depp and his ex-wife Amber Heard that  have lasted longer than the marriage. Seriously, the Depp-Heard split is a rumor monger’s delight, filled with accusations of physical and emotional abuse, domestic terrorism, and drug and alcohol use.

Depp is currently suing Heard for $50 million claiming defamation for an op-ed she wrote about surviving his ALLEGED domestic abuse that he claims got him fired from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Yeah, like the world was ready for another one of those. Probably not, but we do have a “leaked” audio recording from a 2015 couples therapy session in which Heard ALLEGEDLY confesses to physically abusing Johnny, admitting that she hit Johnny—she did not’ however, “punch him”—and threw pots and pans at him and then he pushed her.

Gosh, aren’t they lovely? She says, on the tape:

Heard: “I’m sorry that I didn’t, uh, uh, hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe, you’re not punched. I don’t know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you’re fine, I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you. You poke an animal enough, it is eventually, it doesn’t matter how friendly it is, it’s not cool.”

Here’s a little more of their co-dependent, um, “love”:

Depp: If things get physical, we have to separate. We have to be apart from one another. Whether it’s for fucking an hour or 10 hours or fucking a day. We must, there can be no physical violence towards each other.

Heard: I agree about the physical violence, but separating for a day, taking a night off from our marriage?

Depp: All I’m saying is we need to take whatever time we need. You need, I need, to kind of let things settle for a minute. So that we don’t fucking kill each other or fucking worse, you know, fucking really kill each other or fucking break up or whatever.

Heard: I can’t promise that it will all be perfect. I can’t promise you I won’t get physical again. God I fucking sometimes I get so mad I lose it. I can fucking promise you I will do everything to change. I promise you. I’m not going to throw around divorce I will not say divorce unless I really mean it.

Depp: I love you and I want you to be my wife. And I want to be your husband. And I wanna be a good husband. If I haven’t been, I’ll do everything I can to find out how to be a good husband.

Seriously, this is their love story? A judge should kick both their asses to the curb and threaten to sue each of them if they ever file suit again.

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In case you missed it, one of the stories going around about the Superbowl that wasn’t about the Stripper Show Halftime, is the story of media whores Jaz-Z and Beyoncé sitting down during the National Anthem.

Let’s back up for a moment … Jay-Z’s company Roc Nation signed a deal with the NFL to produce events like the Super Bowl Halftime Show and help them with “social justice” issues. Many people saw this as Jay-Z turning his back on people like former NFL player Colin Kaepernick, who shone a spotlight on police brutality by kneeling during The National Anthem at games, for the sake of more and more coins. Despite criticism from Colin himself suggesting it was just another billionaire selling out, Jay-Z promised this was about the people!

Now, the Superbowl: Roc Nation ALLEGEDLY clashed with Jennifer Lopez about her using children in cages during her Halftime Show To make a statement about the border crisis because they—by they I mean Jay-Z—wanted zero displays of political commentary during the event. But then came the photo of the Carters sitting down during the anthem.

Jay says nothing could be further from the truth, y’all. They stayed seated because they were discussing the art of a Superbowl experience, and when asked if sitting down was a statement, Jay says he and Beyoncé were focused on the show at hand with Beyoncé relaying to him important technical aspects of the show because, you know, she “performed at the Super Bowl before, and I haven’t. We immediately jumped into artist mode… I’m really just looking at the show. The mics start. Was it too low to start?”

Nice spin, but you stayed seated. At least when Colin Kaepernick takes a knee it’s for a protest; your sitting was to discuss the show?

Take a permanent seat, y’all.

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Mo’Nique has been mad at Oprah for a loooong time now and it shows no signs of subsiding. She has accused Oprah of helping Lee Daniels to blackball her for not doing unpaid press for Precious … ten years ago … and she ALLEGES that Oprah screwed her over financially and personally. And now she’s got a new log to toss on the fire …

Mo’Nique is going after Oprah over her backing off from a planned Russell Simmons documentary, by writing a long-winded open letter on social media:

Dear [Oprah],I felt compelled to write you this open letter after observing the disparity in the way that you seem to treat people, who were accused of the same allegations.

You did an interview on the CBS Morning Show and were asked about Harvey Weinstein by Norah O’Donnell, and you said as it pertained to him that you “always try to look at the Rainbow in the clouds, whatever is the “silver lining”.

You also said “if we make this all about Harvey Weinstein then we have lost the moment”. When you either are, or were going to be a part of documentary on Michael Jackson, and Russell Simmons, how is that not making it all about them? Interestingly, Brother M.J. was acquitted, and deceased, so how is he not off limits? Russell and Harvey are accused of the same thing so in fairness how do you not “support” the accusers of both as you said you did with R.S. or you look for the silver lining for both like you said you did for H.W.?

The only difference between the two is there skin color and doesn’t H.W. have way more accusers? My personal experience with you is you’ve watched me as a black women be accused of being difficult for not promoting “Precious” internationally for Lions Gate, at Lions Gate, Tyler Perry and your request, despite the fact my deal was with Lee Daniels Entertainment. And, how are you for black women when you hear Tyler on audio saying I was right and he was going to speak up but you or him still haven’t said a word? When I was sixteen and I meet you at your local show in Baltimore, I told you I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. You responded, “ you have to work really really hard”. My sixteen year old self didn’t know that you in your silence in the face of wrongdoing, would make my life “harder”. Lastly, please consider standing by the people who are right and not just the “right people”. Love you to life,

Mo’Nique

Mo’Nique, honey, move on. It’s been ten years and every time you spew your venom, you give new life to the story. And if you think that you will ever get an apology from Oprah Fucking Winfrey you are seriously confused. That bitch don’t apologize; she just sells more Weight Watchers and puts more coins in the bank.

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Erykah Badu is trying to give Gwyneth Paltrow, and GOOP, a run for their money. Badu is launching The Badu WorldBecause Market, an online store that will sell “bespoke clothing and accessories, as well as apothecary goods and traditional music merch.” 

But it’s not the clothing so much as it is the used clothing, in general, and Badu’s underwear in particular. Yes, she will be selling her worn panties online in a new and totally GOOP way because, well, let’s let Erykah explain:

“There’s an urban legend that my pussy changes men. The men that I fall in love with, and fall in love with me, change jobs and lives. [So] I took lots of pairs of my panties, cut them up into little pieces and burned them. Even the ash is part of it.”

The ‘it’ in question is an incense called “Badu’s Pussy.”

So, light a GOOP candle and some Badu incense and the smell of vagina will fill your house.

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