I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

So, Tom and Katie are still the big news, bumping Lindsay Lohan from the tabloids, which you know she ain’t liking at all. Meh. Poor LOLhan.

And while there is still a lot of mock shock over the end of the Cruises, the signs seemed to be everywhere.

First, Katie didn’t go with Tommy to the premiere of his latest flop, “Rock of Ages” and do all that smarmy, ooh we’re so in love shtick that they used to do so well. The “official” excuse was that Katie was in China, um, working, which is Scientology code for This things gonna blow!

And then Tommy was in NYC shooting scenes for his next d-i-saster, “Oblivion”, and yet miraculously there were no shots at all of the, er, happy couple in La Grande Apple. And while he was in New York, Tommy not only stayed at a hotel—rather than at home with the missus—but he never even bothered to visit their apartment.

It does appear that Katie brought Suri to the hotel to see Daddy, but the visits weren’t planned and Tommy’s security brigade wasn’t even informed that their master would be receiving guests.

But here are some updates—and then we’ll end with a blind item that may be Cruise-worthy….

First, it appears that Katie stopped enjoying being controlled by Tommy.  See, rumor has it that after Katie nailed the audition to be Tommy’s wife—beating out Scarlett Johannson in the process—Tom instantly began controlling everything did or said, and everywhere she went.

He is rumored to have had something called “Art Kill” which he used when Katie was promoting Thank You For Smoking back in 2005; his “Art Kill” basically allowed him to stop producers from using any images of Katie being romantic or sexy with Aaron Eckhart.  And his “Art Kill” was used to keep Katie from flying around the world with the cast and crew of Batman Begins and instead she was flown around in Tommy’s private jet, with the hidden cameras and microphones.

And so, Katie reportedly stopped communicating with their mutual friends, and even went so far as to get a new cell phone that she used to talk to her family and friends only. Then came the whole deal with that apartment. She seems to have done that all on her own, as thought she was planning an escape. Which leads to me to this….

I ain’t saying she was an abused spouse, but her actions certainly do fall along those lines of a woman in an abusive relationship planning on how to escape the marriage.

I mean, she waits until the Little Man is in Iceland….Iceland…before she files her papers, which she does with the help of her attorney father. Then she has her father come out and fire all her bodyguards so no one will know where she went and what she did.

At least until the story broke.

Now, I’m not saying she was abused, but I think she was controlled beyond words and finally had enough. So, I say, good for her.

And good for her for doing to Tommy exactly what he did to my BFF Nicky Kidman.

Now, as for the divorce.

It is believed that Tom will file his own divorce papers in California and ask for joint custody as opposed to the sole legal custody that the former Kate Cruise, now Katie again, had requested. And while some said Katie would use Scientology as an excuse to be granted custody, most lawyers say that really isn’t a valid argument.

Still, there is rumor that Katie doesn’t really need to use Scientology as the basis or reasoning to get sole custody which makes it seem like her lawyers can otherwise prove that Tom is unfit to raise Suri—see blind item.

Katie will be at a family law courthouse this month for her first divorce hearing, and will “formally request temporary child support” from Tom Cruise to cover living expenses and the added security she has hired since her split. Tommy’s New York lawyer will appear, though it’s unclear if Tommy will make an appearance—unless they tell him it’s a scene from a movie. His lawyer could also petition the judge for a temporary visitation order at that time.

But, what is new and kinda funny, is that, for now, Tommy cannot legally file for divorce in California because “it is not possible to file in separate states at the same time” which means Katie got a big time jump on him. Tom will have no choice but to fight this thing in NYC.

So it seems as if Katie clearly has the upper hand in the proceedings at this point and that is probably driving Control Freak Tommy insane!

Love it.

I also loves me some Diana Ross.

And I’m loving her even more now that I heard this story.

See, Tyler Perry, Friend of Dorothy, er, Oprah, has made no bones about wanting Miss Ross to be in one of his movies. I saw him on ET once whining about how he’s tried to get in contact with her and she won’t take his calls. And how he wants so badly to make a movie with Miss Ross.

But she ain’t having it, and here’s why:

Diana.Ross.Is.Not.One.Of.His.Fans.

In fact, she kinda loathes him, and considers his “Madea” money making machine “lowbrow” and has flatly refused repeated requests to co-star with Perry in anything because she regards his body of work as too low­brow, say insiders.

A source—and it might be Mary Wilson because she ain’t got nothin’ else goin’ on—says, “Diana feels Tyler’s mov­ies, TV shows and especially his main character ‘Madea’ have no substance [and] “she refuses to even discuss the prospect with him.”

And it seems that Miss Perry is just devastated that Miss Ross has diva slapped him like that. He whimpers, “She’s the only person that I have dreamed of working with that will not return my phone calls.”

And what hurt worse than a phone snub was the knowledge that the Motown icon thinks his plays, movies and TV shows exploit African-American stereotypes: “Diana is all about her enter­tainment legacy,” the insider—Hey Mary!--ex­plained. “The last thing she wants is to co-star in a cheesy comedy starring a black man in a fat suit playing a half-cocked, angry old woman waving a gun.”

And I love her all the more for that!

Oh well, no Lohan, but I have some Kash Kow. Kardashian, that is.

Earlier this week, everyone was talking about the BET Awards, with Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Kardashian, Jay-Z and Beyonce all in attendance, but Beyonce keeping her distance from the famewhore and throwing dirty looks at the Kash Kow all night.

According to sources—and it’s probably Kris Jenner, who thinks any publicity is good publicity—says Beyonce barely even glanced at Kim during the show and Jay-Z even iced Kim a bit. Still, rumor has it that Kash Kow and Beyonce did pose for some pictures backstage, perhaps just to appease Kanye and keep him from jumpin’ onstage and acting the fool.

Again.

But, then we have this:

Kash Kow is so desperate to become BFFs with Beyonce that she’s trying to spoil baby Blue Ivy to get in Jayonce’s good graces. Kash Kow actually bought a $5000 diamond-studded baby bracelet and had it engraved “Love Auntie Kim.”

A source—Hey Kris!—says Beyonce is suspicious that Kim is trying to buy her friendship: “They have been friends for five minutes, but already Kim is trying to force herself into Beyonce’s life. She thought [the bracelet] was over the top, considering she’s known Kim personally for such a short time. Despite Kim’s sex tape and bad marriages, Beyonce had been warming to her based on her charming demeanor and romance with Kanye, who’s a good friend. But she certainly doesn’t consider Kim family in any way, shape or form. And for Kim to suggest that closeness in a present for Blue Ivy really put Beyonce off. She believes Kim is trying to buy her friendship through her daughter, and she’s cooling to their friendship. Right now, Beyonce is on her guard. She’s keeping her distance until she feels more trusting of Kim.”

Poor Kash Kow, she’s so used to buying things, like fame via a sex tape, like a TV via a sex tape, like a marriage via a TV show, and a divorce to follow suit, all topped off with a very high-profile romance with a very high profile douche.

I wouldn’t put it past her to buy baby gifts and call herself Auntie Kim. She’s probably doing it to get Jayonce on her TV show.

After all, isn’t it always about the Kash Kow?

And speaking of the Kash Kow, what about her soon-to-be ex, Kris Humphries?

I mean, he isn’t really news, he’s more like the annoying neighbor on a 70s sitcom, but there does seem to be some news.

As you already know, Kris is in the midst of a drawn-out process of divorcing Kash Kow—and it’s lasting longer than the marriage—and he’s been playing the part of the heartbroken ex who was so in love with his meal ticket, and how she broke him top pieces when she ditched him.

To complete his makeover as Poor Kris, he has been keeping real low-key about his dating so that he can seem sad and lonely, instead of sad and pitiful. But he kinda latched onto another famewhore who might give Kash Kow a run for her money.

This woman, Myla Sinanaj says she and Kris were dating, and Kris’ lawyer says they weren’t. But Myla has pictures, of course, of the duo at the beach together and of her courtside at his games; all the perfect evidence of a relationship, no? No.

Kris claimed that Myla was trying to extort him, and he ALLEGEDLY got the FBI involved and then Myla claimed that Kris’ lawyer had tried to intimidate her and get her fired by calling her job and claiming she was a prostitute.

Yikes.

But now, Myla The Prostitute says she’s pregnant, and Krissy is her baby Daddy.

Sources directly connected with Myla—AKA her pimp—says Myla has confirmed that she’s 3 months pregnant and says Kris is definitely the father.

And this won’t sit well in court when Kris tries to play the damaged party in his divorce from the Kash Kow.

Poor Kris, He’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Had he put a glove on it, he wouldn’t in this mess.

Of course, if he hadn’t put a ring on the last one we wouldn’t even know his name.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Poor O.

Her network, the modestly named OWN, is flailing like a flounder on a hook--it's losses this year alone are some $150 million.

O tried to use Rosie O'Donnell to save the network, hoping Ro would gather big ratings, but that didn't happen. So O dumped Ro.
And now O is scrambling to find a replacement for Ro and has ALLEGEDLY offered the job to Wynonna Judd, who was less than thrilled to take that call, and ALLEGEDLY told O to, er, shove it.
Apparently Wy is still pissed off at O for promising her the same gig on OWN last year and then suddenly handing the job to Ro instead.
A source--and by source I mean Ashley Judd because she has a new TV series to promote and needs all the press she can get--says, “Wynonna simply gave Oprah a taste of her own medicine, and Oprah didn’t like it! Oprah, on the other hand, feels that Wynonna is an ingrate after she gave her and her mom Naomi a big break.”
See, O gave Wynonna and Naomi their own reality series on OWN and she was so impressed that she started discussions with Wy about hosting her own talk show. Wy started putting her career on hold, ready to film her talk show and then O  hired Ro.
Ruh-roh.
Then Ro's show flopped, and O started sniffing around Wy again. And Wy ALLEGEDLY told O to, um, shove it.
Oh, and speaking of Ro--whom the media likes to play as the bad guy in this whole OWN mess--she ALLEGEDLY attempted to bury the hatchet with O by inviting her to Ro's 50th birthday party at Chicago’s Studio Paris.
O didn't show.

Lohan! Get your Lohan here!
Lindsay had her most recent court appearance, and, well, somebody got good marks! The judge even came down from the bench and patted Lindsay on the head, whilst murmuring, 'Good girl! Good! Good girl!"
And then she got some more good news. See, Lohan is set to play Elizabeth Taylor--excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth--in a Lifetime TV movie to be filmed in Canada, But, um, the Canadian government isn't really keen on allowing cracktresses to receive work visas. But, now they do!
According to a source--Hey Dina!--“Lindsay has just been granted a Canadian work permit to film an upcoming Liz Taylor movie in Toronto. Canadian officials have realized Lindsay has been receiving positive marks from the court and her probation officer … and signed off on the permit hours after she completed her community service requirements yesterday.”
And it all seems legit, and not just some Keep Lindsay In The News Without Having Her Arrested plot, because it looks like Lifetime will finally officially announce that Lindsay Lohan will star as Elizabeth Taylor in their upcoming movie, Liz and Dick.
It seems Lifetime was just waiting for the jailbird, alcoholic, drug addict, jewel thief, kidnapper, car thief to resolve her legal issues before telling the world that they are planning a Royal EFF Up on a Liz Taylor biopic by having Lohan play Liz.
First Dance Moms and now this mess. Oh Lifetime. You used to be TV for Women--and Gay Men. Now you're just TV for White Trash.
Except for Project Runway! I loves me some Runway!

Oh JLo. Seriously.
I mean, first there are the multiple marriages--and when you add them all up, they amount to even less time than Carlos and I have been together though we can't legally tie the know over and over and over and over and....
Where was I?
Oh yeah. JLo and Backup Dancer.
It seems that the Boy-Toy, Casper Not-So-Smart has given JLo the greatest gift of all.
No. Not an STD, silly, He tattooed her name on his penis.
And, given the size of his shoes,I think he went for JLo out of necessity--if you get my meaning--and not her real name Jennifer Lynn Lopez Noa Judd Anthony.
Still, what does it say about a forty-two-year-old mother of two who dates a man young enough to be her son and adores the fact that her name is inked on his mini-schlong?

We haven't heard from  Paris Hilton for a while, mainly because, well, she's over. But don't tell her that!
It seems the heiress-businesswoman-singer-actress-coke-mule was greatly “offended” when she was being interviewed by Australian TV show, “Sunrise,” with simple questions like what her typical day is like and the show her DJ boyfriend Afrojack was putting on that night at a big club opening.
But then correspondent Edwina Bartholmew politely asked: “What about when you’re not famous anymore, what are you going to do?” The 31-year-old Hilton responded by saying that she “just wants to be able to have children and have a normal life with my kids.”
Nice, except, it's high-larious! And except that her publicist later made it clear that the  heiress-businesswoman-singer-actress-coke-mule was not happy being asked about losing her fame.
Sunrise producers were told that if they aired the full interview they would not be allowed on the red carpet at the club opening that night.
The show ran it anyway proving that their question was legit, because, well, Paris is over.

It's safe to say I've never seen an episode of anything Whoredashian, and when the one with the La Grande Ass got married for a bout a minute last summer, you know, for ratings and such, I'd never even heard of her pro-athlete husband/ex-husband. I do know that his name started with a K, too, which made me suspicious that the whole thing was planned, you know, for ratings and such.

And now it seems that the ex-Mister Whoredashian is holding up the divorce until the Kash Kow comes clean that it was all staged and planned and made up and not real, except for the ratings and such, and all the gifts the Kash Kow got, and kept, and the millions she made for selling her soul for fame; not to mention her booty and her vah-jay-jay, according to a certain sex tape.

But I digress. And I will admit that I am loving that Kris Humphries is refusing to divorce Kim Kardashian unless she gives him a “public apology” and admits “the entire wedding was staged by her and her family.” In fact, he even turned down a seven million dollar settlement, or, er, hush money, offer.

A source--and, by source, I mean media-whoring Mama Kris Jenner--says, “Kris wants Kim to admit to fraud, to admit the whole thing was staged for publicity, to make a public apology to him because he really wanted a marriage.”

See, Kris put the kibosh on the divorce, and instead filed for an annulment based on fraud, and demanded Kim reveal how much she earned during their 72-day marriage, claiming she hasn’t given an honest account of the money made from their wedding. Kris has complied with turning over his bank records and credit card statements, but Kash Kow, so far, has not.

Still, the source, ahem, also says that Kim never offered him $7 million and “just wants to move on.”

See, the Kash Kow wants to play the victim, the innocent; like she never whored herself out to a boyfriend for some VHS fame. And she never whored out her family for some money. And she never whored herself out for some knickknacks and a big E! payday.

I ain't buying what she's selling and I hope Kris Humphries sticks to his guns.

Ashton Kutcher, he of Screwing Around His Wife Who looked Liked His Mother, and of  ALLEGEDLY schtupping Rihanna fame, was a presenter the Academy of country Music Awards the other night because it was on CBS and he's on CBS and, well, that's that.

But, for no real reason at all, he appeared on stage in some MGM wardrobe department cowboy costume from the Silent Era, and then proceeded to badly twang his way through a George Strait song, “I Cross My Heart” before handing over the trophy to Miranda Lambert.

And Lambert wasn't too amused by Kutcher's garb, or his song, or the fact that he's ALLEGEDLY schtupping Chris Brown's ex, and later Tweeted, “Was Ashton Kutcher making fun of country or is it just me? Watching it back now and I’m kinda wondering?”

Fellow country singer Justin Moore was more direct, and speedier, Tweeting from the audience while Kutcher schticked up the stage, “Seen Ashton kutcher at the acms tonight. What a douche! I don’t care for people making a mockery of the way country artists’ dress.”

Most folks in the crowd were less than thrilled with Kutcher's comical cowboy. At an afterparty, one source--and it may or may not have been Demi--said, “People were just like ‘why is he here?’ – he has nothing to do with country. Nobody laughed at his dumb jokes, in fact he came off as rude. He didn’t mingle.”

A second source--still Demi, I'm guessing--also says Kutcher walked around the bash “with a massive posse” and “stayed in that dumb outfit for the after party.” Cuz he's a big TV star, you know, and f**ked around on his wife.

Funny, no?

I think Kutcher thinks whatever he does, whether Tweeting support for a protector of pedophiles, or giggling while cheating on his wife, is all good press. I think Kutcher thinks too highly of himself. I think Kutcher thinks he's the be all and end all of a hot celeb.

I think Kutcher's a douchebag.

Barbra Streisand loves her gay son, Jason Gould. I mean, she doesn't really ever talk about him, but she loves him.

However....and isn't there always a however....she's not so keen about her gay son Jason being a sexual being. In fact, a source--and I think it's James Brolin--says, Babs has never been able to put up with his “promiscu­ous” ways and hasn’t talked to him in more than a year."

Ouch.

Jason, Barbra’s son former husband Elliott Gould, is has a reputation as a The Gay Casanova in New York’s gay community, ac­cording to the, um, source: “It’s terribly sad. There’s a tremendous strain in their relationship and it’s because they’re both so similar-- stubborn and pigheaded."

And both into hot guys. I mean, James Brolin is pretty hot, no?
Still, Babs is ter­rified that Jason is neglecting his health [he's openly HIV+] and fo­cusing too much attention on his social life. She wants him to fall in love with a nice boy and settle down, but he likes the single life.
When Barbra first heard rumors last year that Jason was involved in relationships with multiple men and en­gaging in public displays of affection, she blew up. She called Jason and told him he needed to settle down with one guy and to quit all the playing around--and if he was go­ing to be irresponsible with his life then she was going to wash her hands of him.

Her forty-five-year-old son? 

Jason told his mother to take her nose--and I'll make no jokes about The Schnoz--out of his business.

It's a standstill. She won't call until he cuts out the party boy stuff, and he won't call until she cuts out the meddling.