It's Snarkurday!

I have been enjoying Seasons 1 and 2 of Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath because I love the fact that she’s exposing the Cult of Scientology for all its evil. And I especially enjoyed when Remini, Scientology’s Public Enemy #1, took part in a Reddit AMA about her show and, well, went Cruising ...

See, Leah was asked by a Reddit user if Cruise, with whom she used to be friends when she was brainwashed, was a “good person” and she did not hold back:

“No! Just going to get straight to it, no! There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you and is an attentive person to you and there’s the person behind the mask who is a completely different person.”

And she wasn’t done:

“Someone could say we all have that—what we are to the public and who we are behind the scenes, but the people who are around Tom and work for Tom, not even people who are Scientologists, they will say he is diabolical.”

Leah goes on about the Special Relationship between Tiny Tom and his BFF, Scientology tyrant, David Miscavige, are virtually twins separated at birth: pretty much indistinguishable from one another.

“He’s very similar to David Miscavige, they could be twins.”

And that chapped the hides of Scientologists around the world because you never go after Cash Cow Cruise, and they issued this statement:

“Leah Remini has been obsessed with the leader of the Scientology religion and with Mr. Cruise for years, ever since she made a scene at Mr. Cruise’s wedding when she couldn’t get the seat she wanted. Remini is only commenting on these two prominent individuals to generate media coverage for herself and her hate campaign. Remini is bent on inciting hate and bigotry against a worldwide religion and its parishioners and she will stop at nothing to grab attention.”

Except she rarely speaks of Tommy; she mostly talks about a church that forces women to have abortions, that separates children from their parents, that encourages Scientologists to cut off their non-CoS friends and family, a cult that is so strongly anti-psychiatry that when its own members become so depressed and suicidal, the “church” looks the other way and then tries to cover up the death afterwards.

That’s not a church; even the Catholic Church isn’t that vile. Think of it this way: the Church of Scientology says it’s here to “clear” the planet and make life better for everyone, but, ask yourself, what exactly have they done?

Cue ::::crickets:::: so I am all Team Leah and her exposé on CoS and Cruise, too.

I love seeing hypocrites squirm.

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You know that feeling you get when you receive a letter from the IRS and know they’re coming for you because you forgot to pay 27-cents on last year’s tax bill? Well, try being Mary J. Blige and being told you owe millions in taxes, on top of the news from a judge that she has to pay her ex-husband, Kendu, $30,000 a month.

But ... is this IRS bill a fact or just a ploy being used by Blige and her attorneys to avoid paying spousal support, because when it comes to getting coins, the ex-husband will always take a back seat to Uncle Sam.

See, Mary is claiming she cannot pay her ex any money because, ahem, she owns two “unrentable” houses—one an “eight-bedroom, ten-bathroom New Jersey mansion” and another place she calls “boarded up” and in a “state of disrepair”—and that she experienced a “large reduction” in her royalty payments in 2016.

Sidenote: Get it that Mary J. Blige owns at least two homes in which she does not live and makes some $326,923 a month in earnings and royalties from her production company.

Life isn’t so hard, Mary, you just want to keep your coins, eh, girl?

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Last May, hottie actor and sweatpants model—if you’ve seen The Leftovers you’ll get that reference—Justin Theroux filed a $350,000 dollar lawsuit against his neighbor, lawyer Norman Resnicow, with whom he’s been feuding for decades, and so this week, Resnicow filed a counter-suit filled with “get off my lawn” old man-isms. Resnicow’s suit is in answer to claims Theroux made, and he ALLEGES Justin’s take on the brouhaha is “as fictional as the television series in which he recently starred.”

So, let’s dig in to the petty ... as in when Justin filed suit claiming that Resnicow killed some ivy growing on a terrace and then cut off the power and electricity to Justin’s home. Ivy killer? Ivy? Or, is it that Resnicow says he’s been living in hell from the endless noise of decades of renovations being made to Justin’s apartment and the ALLEGATION that Theroux of “deliberately” dropped heavy workout weights on the floor.” Well, maybe Justin and the missus, Jen Aniston, that is, are banging each other extra joyfully? But when Resnicow put a note under Theroux’s door complaining about the noise he got no response and so ... lawsuits.

One particularly interesting bit is Old Man Resnicow’s claim that Theroux once asked him “to handle—on a discreet basis—the exiting of Theroux’s longtime live-in girlfriend from his apartment because Theroux had broken up with her and was living in a hotel.”

Wait, what? Is Norman supposed to escort Justin’s leftovers—see what I did there—from the apartment when Justin’s done with them? Poor Jennifer; I imagine Norman will roll her up in an Oriental rug and slide her down an elevator shaft at some point.

Resnicow also claims to have suffered through “years of endless day and night barking, yowling and crying of the several rescue dogs Theroux left for several years in the apartment after he de-camped for California.”

Seriously? Dogs left unattended in an apartment for several years? Norman, honey, switch to decaf and get a hobby.

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Mariah Carey is was a singer extraordinaire, a diva and a legend her own mind but never, ever, have we described Mimi as a dancer ... she’s more of a stander, and a person who moves, or is moved, over there. But, back in the day, she did at least try and move while singing, until she became this stand-in-one-place-and-have-dancers-dance-around-her-or-move-her across the stage manually. So, why, Mimi? Why the lack of movement? Hooker heels too high? Bathing suit costumes too tight? Nope; according to her former choreographer, Anthony Burrell, Mimi has simply no more f**ks to give about dancing:

“It’s just typical Mariah. Mariah is clear: when she doesn’t wanna do something, she doesn’t do it. She’s performing with lackluster [effort] and no f**ks given, and it’s taking away her star.”​

Burrell says he spent years trying to make Mariah comfortable onstage, not just a singer, but an all-around performer:

“Working with an artist like Mariah, who’s not a mover first, it’s always a challenge to get them to think physically and not just vocally. You always have to keep in mind that they’re a singer first. The priority is not teaching them 100 counts of 8, or endless routines. I wanted to give Mariah a modern push to revamp her, give her a fresher, more modern feel, make her more aware of her body and her lines, and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking.”

That last line—“and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking”—gives me life. Though I think Burrell might have had better luck if he just had one of Mimi’s back-up dancers sprinkle Skittles along the stage; that way she’d be moving to find them, or skidding on them and falling down.

But at least we’d have movement.

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If you ever wanted to have a Made For TV relationship, and have it blow up in your face, take a page from “Sock Maker” Rob Kardastrophe and his ex-Baby Mama and former stripper, Blac Chyna.

Since their relationship and TV show are over, the couple is mostly battling online about property, money ... oh, and custody of their baby Kream Dream.

Rob, who used the internet to get revenge on Chyna by posting explicit pictures of her without permission, and probably compensation, and Chyna recently met with lawyers and that’s when he accused her of trying to steal his car.

See, Chyna, and her team of five lawyers—because that’s what it takes for strippers to divorce footwear kings, went to Rob and his lawyer’s office and fought about who did what and for whom and for how long and how much money that means and will it be on TV, to no avail.

And, while Chyna was leaving, Rob hid out in a hallway to avoid seeing her and that’s when she ALLEGEDLY tried to get into his Range Rover and speed off ... until her lawyers reminded her that grand theft auto doesn’t play well in a child custody suit.

But, Chyna insisted that the Range Rover was hers because Rob ... and remember, he makes socks ... gave it to her along with a Ferrari and a Lamborghini; she says those cars were returned and the Range Rover should have gone back to so she could get some of the leasing coins in her bank account.

Seriously; this is all stuff made for TV and yet even That Woman can’t secure a filming deal for these two losers.

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Remember when Hillary Clinton called _____ supporters a “bag of deplorables” and the deplorables went nuts? Well, maybe she didn’t mean them, but meant the deplorables, and wives of deplorables, in _____’s administration.

See, there’s this “actress,” Louise Linton, who is married to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who is filthy rich because he’s a Wall Street Thief, and Louise likes to flaunt their wealth every chance she gets.

And she did that when she posted an Instagram last week of herself and Mnuchin disembarking a taxpayer-funded plane in Kentucky. In the photo Linton tagged all of the designer labels she wore ... #Valentino ... #RolandMouret ... #TomFord ... #Hermesscarf ... etc. And then someone called “Jenny M” called Linton out for her ridiculousness:

“Glad we could pay for your little getaway. #deplorable”

Louise—a real C_U_Next_Tuesday—went off on Jenny, after finding Jenny’s account and looking through her photos of her family and children, because how dare a commoner come for her:

“@Jennimiller29 cute!….Aw!! Did you think this was a personal trip?! Adorable! Do you think the US govt paid for our honeymoon or personal travel?! Lololol. Have you given more to the economy than me and my husband? Either as an individual earner in taxes OR in self sacrifice to your country? I’m pretty sure we paid more taxes toward our day “trip” than you did. Pretty sure the amount we sacrifice per year is a lot more than you’d be willing to sacrifice if the choice was yours. You’re adorably out of touch. Thanks for the passive aggressive nasty comment. Your kids look very cute. Your life looks cute. I know you’re mad but deep down you’re really nice and so am I. Sending me passive aggressive Instagram comments isn’t going to make life feel better. Maybe a nice message, one filled with wisdom and hunanity [SIC] would get more traction. Have a pleasant evening. Go chill out and watch the new game of thrones. It’s fab!”

Of course, the internet sided with Jenny and suddenly Louise was all apologetic:

“I apologize for my post on social media yesterday as well as my response. It was inappropriate and highly insensitive.”

And that falls under the category of Too Little, Too Late because now a government watchdog group—Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]—is looking into the Mnuchin’s use of a government plane for their ‘daytrip’ to Kentucky:

“The requested records would shed light on the justification for Secretary Mnuchin’s use of a government plane, rather than a commercial flight, for a trip that seems to have been planned around the solar eclipse and to enable the Secretary to secure a viewpoint in the path of the eclipse’s totality. At a time of expected deep cuts to the federal budget, the taxpayers have a significant interest in learning the extent to which Secretary Mnuchin has used government planes for travel in lieu of commercial planes, and the justification for that use.”

Yup, they used a government plane and your money to go to Kentucky to look at the sun.

But Linton probably doesn’t give a whit about any watchdog group, so designers Valentino and Tom Ford are hitting back, and smacking down Linton for what she did and for using their names in her little ego-driving Instagram account.

And you just know that irks Louise “Let them eat cake” Linton more than anything.

Deplorable.

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Looks like Tina is after Gwyneth Paltrow. No, not Tina Knowles, or Xtina, or even Tina Yothers—Goddess I’m old—but TINA, AKA Truth In Advertising.

While GOOP, Gwyneth’s emporium of jade eggs, vaginal steamers and $900 t-shirts, is the most ridiculous site on the web, it wasn’t until this week that TINA took notice and issued an admonishment. See, Tina doesn’t like GOOP’s goods, nor does she like GOOP’s medical advice like, you remember, Earthing ...

Now, GOOP maintains, either expressly or implicitly, that its products and its promotions can treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing, any number of ailments.  But, as TINA notes, GOOP does not have any competent and reliable scientific evidence ... required by law ... to backup their claims.

Oh TINA, are you new here, because I’ve know that since Paltrow tried to get women to Stanley Steamer their cooches or deposit jade eggs up their hoohaws.

Well, for her part, TINA did reach out to GOOP and allow them time to explain themselves, but after eleven days of silence, TINA filed a complaint with the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force.  And that’s when GOOP pooped out a response:

“We responded promptly and in good faith to the initial outreach from representatives of TINA and hoped to engage with them to address their concerns. Unfortunately, they provided limited information and made threats under arbitrary deadlines which were not reasonable under the circumstances.”

Notice they didn’t say that TINA was wrong in its claims.

Paltrow has yet to respond because she’s busy boiling the public hair of virgins, oils from the scalps of newborn babies, kitten claws, and fresh mint—because it smells pretty—in a cauldron somewhere in the Middle East hoping to cure anal warts.

Or something.

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It’s hard to go from media whores to nobodies, so what can a once-famous-for-nothing-more-than-birthing-a-slew-of-babies ex-couple do for attention? Call the cops.

Apparently, cops were called on Jon and Kate Gosselin twice in the past month after the two reality whores got into a screaming match while one of their children was at the dentist; and the fight wasn’t about the bill and who’d pay for it, no, the Gosselins fight over important stuff like which one of them would drive the kid home.

Seriously, Neo-Nazis are marching in the streets but the cops gotta work out which Gosselin runs the carpool that day?

The other time the cops were called for Gosselin Mayhem was on August 15th, when the idiot parents were fighting in a parking lot after Kate tried to yank their 13-year-old daughter Hannah from Jon’s car. Hannah didn’t want to get out, and tried to resist Mama’s Claws while Jon stood off to the side saying things like:

“Hold on. Hold on. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I can’t help you. Hold on. Hold on.”

This event lasted ... wait for it ... three hours, with police looking on and eventually calling an ambulance after Hannah said her arm was injured.

Again, the Klan is in the streets and we need police and medical teams to help Jon and Kate take care of their kids? I hope those kids wise up and get a lawyer to emancipate them from these horrid people.

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Speaking of Famewhores ...

I’m’a keep this short because even writing this little bit is giving me the dry heaves but ... hold on to those eclipse glasses ...

That Woman, AKA Porn Peddling Media Whore Kris Jenner, is so in love with her new thinner—Photoshopped?—body that she is looking for a high-end magazine to publish a nude photo shoot of her.

Field and Stream has yet to respond, but keep that eyewear handy in case Modern Dog takes That Woman up on her offer.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, Michael Strahan, ex-football player and co-host of Live with Kelly and Michael, and his fiancé of seven years have split up … and not without the drama, you know, because Nicole, formerly married to Eddie Murphy, knows all about divorce, and she announced the split mere hours before Strahan’s induction into the NFL Hall of Fame.

Sources say Nicole wanted to dampen Strahan's weekend because the breakup occurred when Michael wouldn’t marry Nicole without a prenup — she took Eddie for a load of dough in that divorce and maybe Michael was being cautious?

Other sources say Nicole is a woman scorned because she ALLEGEDLY got wind that Michael might be dating another woman in early July and started investigating and when she was convinced it was true she went public with it instantly … the night he was inducted to the Hall of Fame.

Shade.

Nicole insists her timing wasn’t out of revenge, rather a total coincidence because that’s when she knew for sure. It just happened to come precisely when Michael was getting the greatest honor of his career.

Shady.

I’ve heard this story many times before, but this new wrinkle is so high-larious it bears talking about.

Lindsay Lohan has had more than her fair share of drama, including six, or is it seven, court-ordered visits to rehab, many arrests and several days spent in jail, so now she wants to put pen to paper and tell her side of the story because , well, girl needs coins.

Lohan has been holding meetings — apparently on yachts and in night clubs because that’s the only place anyone ever sees her — with publishing houses to discuss her tell-all book, and promised not to hold back on any detail, like dishing about that F**k Buddy List, and her drug use, her alcohol addiction, her need to lie, her criminal past, her rehab stays, her wack-a-doo family, and, oh yeah, her career.

But the high-larious part is that Lindsay knows she cannot actually write a whole book — it’s unclear if she could even read a whole book — and has let it slip that she would like her book ghostwritten by either Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James or Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling.

Lindsay Lohan actually thinks either one of these writers would ghostwrite the memoirs of a drug addicted has-been? High-larious, I say, high-larious.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of LA County Jail?

Fifty Shades of Cray Cray?

This breaks my heart … sarcasm … but Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard/lover/confidante Steve Neild have split up.

Back in 2008, TLC, hired Steve to protect the Gosselin 8, AKA Kate’s paycheck, while filming of the craptastic Jon & Kate Plus 8, but Kate wanted Steve all to herself because, well, famewhore and needy bitch.

And that’s when the rumors that Kate and Steve were doing the nasty started, and when Kate’s marriage fell apart … cheating does that sometimes. After that, Kate and Steve were inseparable, and he spent more time “guarding” her body than watching the children, even his own kids. In fact, as recently as last Spring Kate and Steve shared a hotel room while she filmed Celebrity Apprentice and the kids were … where were the kids? Kate? Kate? Anyone?

And I guess that’s what finally ticked off Steve’s wife — oh, yeah, he’s married — Gina, who, after watching Kate and Steve globetrot and hold hands and act all gooey in public for six years, decided it was time to give him an ultimatum: Kate or her.

And Steve dumped Kate faster than her TV audience when they realized she’s a famewhoring horrible mother.

Karma.Bitch.

So, I still giggle at the idea of Orlando Bloom throwing a punch at Justin Bieber in that Ibiza nightclub, but what brings a smile to my face is the fact that most people, and many celebrities, applauded the Bieber Almost-Smackdown.

A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Diddy and Lindsay Lohan — well, famous and whores — were at Cipriani’s that night when the star of the football team tried to smack down the boy cheerleader, and they all took their places on Team Orly.

A witness tells it like this:

“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”

Leo actually clapped after seeing the missed punch — even though rumor has it he also bedded Orlando’s ex-wife Miranda Kerr — and Lindsay Lohan laughed.

Here’s the deal: if Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a pathetic loser, you’re a pathetic loser. Justin.

And that’s what makes me laugh.

Lord, I love a feud, especially between a dancer and a zaftig Scientologist.

It seems Dancing With The Stars [?] resident dancing machine Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some mighty shade at his former pal Kirstie Alley on an episode of Watch What Happens Live — where most great feuds star … ask a housewife — during a call-in segment when he was asked if Kirstie ever tried to indoctrinate him into Scientology.

He said No, but then host Andy Cohen asked if he gets along well with Kirstie and Maks said:

“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”

Now, Maks didn’t name names but it was clear he was speaking about former DWTS alum, and former Scientologist, and former Alley friend, Leah Remini, who escaped Scientology and has been the subject of Alley’s scorn and twitter-fight ever since.

But why is Maks suddenly so friendly with Leah and not with Kirstie? Glad you asked.

Well, he is ALLEGEDLY banging JLo like a sledgehammer and JLo is besties with Leah. So, to make JLo happy, and keep that ass within reach, he’s moved on from Kirstie to Leah.

Sounds about right. Lotsa folks would shun their families to bump uglies with JLo; hell, lotsa folks have.

And let’s end with a sweet story about a celebrity …

Chris Pratt, star of the new mega-hit Guardians of the Galaxy recently gave an interview where he spoke about his son with wife Anna Fairs being born premature and how much it scared him that the boy might not live.

So, now Chris is hoping that his GotG Star-Lord character becomes a hero to children because he wants to dress up as Star-Lord to visit sick kids in the hospital. And he's already planned on doing so, in character:

 “I stole the jacket and some of the wardrobe so that, if this movie comes out and does what everyone hopes it can, I can follow the example of someone — say, like, a Russell Wilson [QB for the Seattle Seahawks] – and go visit kids. If it was a big enough movie to where it would mean something to a kid who’s sick in the hospital for Peter Quill or Star-Lord to come visit them, I’ll do that. … Right now, it means high profile, cool jobs coming up, big press tour, and all the excitement of it all. But none of that really means anything. The coolest things would be that my son can one day see this, and that maybe I can go affect some kids in a positive way; be a good role model for them.”

Excuse me; I have something in my eye ….

Sidenote:

If I get sick, could someone have Chris come to my house dressed like this:

I Ain't One To Gossip But

Okay, so last week we heard Lindsay Lohan say she was making her stage debut in London’s West End this fall in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Yeah, maybe not. Even though Lohan keeps claiming she was hired to do the play there has been no announcement of her being cast in this, or any other, play, nor has there been an news about a Speed-the-Plow revival, and yet that didn't stop Lohan from posting that picture up there, of her standing at the stage door of a West End theater, to Instagram, with the message:

“At work! First day ... Read through.”

Cracktress is lying, y’all. Lohan is actually standing at Her Majesty’s Theatre stage door, where Phantom of the Opera is running … until April of 2015. So, this is not a theater where Speed-the-Plow will open in November, nor was Lohan there doing a reading, even though she carried the big bag with what looks like a script poking out.

Oh England, once again I apologize that you are being subjected, as we were for years, to the Lohan Crazies, though hopefully you’ll come to your senses soon and she’ll find another country in which she can party and tell her “stories.”

Remember when we learned from Kanye West — the horse’s ass himself — that it took four grueling days for him and soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardastrophe to Photoshop their wedding pictures for Instagram after Annie Leibovitz bailed on shooting his wedding a day before the ceremony?

Trouble is, that’s a lie. Kanye had said Leibovitz backed out at the last minute because she was “scared about the idea of celebrity” even though she’s made a career of shooting celebrities …with a camera, y’all, come on! But now Kanye’s walking back his story lie because, well, Annie called him out on it.

Kanye is now saying he would have loved to have Leibovitz photograph his wedding but that a deal couldn’t be reached, which is oh-so-different from “she backed out at the last minute.” And Kanye’s reason for lying? He was, and I quote, “dreaming out loud. Again.”
 

That’s a poetic way of saying I have the biggest ego in the world and I am a liar.

Mariah Carey is all kinds of crazy and seems to have gone even crazier now that her last album, Me. I Am Mariah, tanked.

See, she wants y'all to believe that the massively Photoshopped cover for her latest single, You Don't Know What To Do, was as much a surprise and shock to her as it was to you: 

“That definitely was NOT my selection for the cover… ugh! / Yes, I would love for you to send me your art for #YDKWTD (’cause at this point IDKWTD! lol)”

Seriously? Mimi expects us to think that she was, what, taking care of “dem babies” — as she calls them — when this new Photoshopped Mariah made its appearance? Was she busy sewing sequined gowns down two sizes before she put them? Or, was she preoccupied with stuffing her over-inflated buzzooms into a training bra and cou8ldn't be bothered to okay this mess?

Stop, Mariah, every single album and single cover of yours from the last ten years has been manipulated to make you look thinner and younger and smoother and, well, more Beyoncé.

The jig is up, girl.

Y’all know that Kate Gosselin is the best mother in the world, right? I mean, sure she whored out her children, and her IVF sextuplets until her marriage fell apart, but she just did that because she’s a mom, you know. And when she pimped out her kids again in a recent TLC special it was only because she’s a stay-at-home mom; she doesn’t want you to think she does this for the cash for hair extensions and Botox and dates with her bodyguard, she does this because she’s a single mom just trying to survive:

“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”

And yet she has never tried to find another way, has she? Nope; it’s about using her children to make a paycheck. She’s the Original Octo-Mom.

JLo dumped Casper’s cheating ass a few weeks back — though, to salvage her image she claims she dumped him months ago, and will probably soon start saying they never dated at all and she has no idea who he is — and now she’s on to another dancer, Dancing with the Stars'’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

And yet, both Jell-O and Maksim are denying the hook-up, even though the pair was seen together after JLo’s “show” at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut where they were quite cuddly at the after party, and dancing in the club later on.

They’re playing down the affair rumors because, well, JLo learned from Casper. She’ll keep this coupling on the down-low because when Maks cheats with a hooker, or some D-list actress he’s paired up with on DWTS — and that could actually be the same person — she can say they never met, never dated, never schtupped.

Savvy, JLo, savvy.

File this under: This Kills Me.

Joan Rivers has a new book, ‘Diary of a Mad Diva.' coming out and the sh*t is already flying. In the book, as Joan does, she makes fun of a lot of people, mostly celebrities, and one, Best Wooden Actress™ winner, Kristen Stewart is ALLEGEDLY not happy about her role in the book after Joan ALLEGEDLY said this about the Twilight actress:

“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.”

Apparently Kristen’s attorneys contacted Joan and the publisher and threatened to sue for defamation even though the prologue of the book makes it clear it is nothing but jokes, not facts, even if some of the jokes are based on facts ... like the time Kristen Stewart had an affair with a married director and ruined his marriage.

Oh, color me sad.

After just one year on The View it appears that resident blond bobblehead, Jenny McCarthy — not to be confused with black bobblehead Sherri Shepherd — is apparently on her way out.

A source — and it could be anyone from Star Jones, angling for her seat back at the table, or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, still pissed that she was pushed out — claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to daytime TV viewers because she’s an illiterate twit … or something.

Ratings have dipped since McCarthy came on-board; The View is down by about 5% when compared with last year, but CBS’ View knock-off, The Talk, is up 19% so Babs Walters needed to bump off the old and bring in some new.

Who can fill Crazy’s chair? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow—though she might spend the entire show hawking her $2,000 GOOP T’s. I suggest a potted plant to take the seat because at least it would make more sense than McCarthy. Then work on getting Sherri outta there, too.

UPDATE: She's out, and Sherri, too. Good. Bye.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye …

Remember when he beat up the paparazzi outside LAX last year? Well, now he’s paying for it, because he was just sentenced to Celebrity Special Treatment Community Service, AKA The Lohan Effect, by LA County Courts.

Kanye took a plea in the case and agreed to attend anger management therapy and complete 250 hours of community service. Now, while Joe, or Jane, Public would be picking up trash along the 405 while wearing an orange jumpsuit, Kanye’s community service requires that he visit LA Trade Technical College, a community college that focuses on fashion design, and talk about fashion to the students.

Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Mila Kunis is pregnant with serial schtupper Ashton Kutcher’s demon spawn and sometimes she’s in a good mood, and sometimes not.

Recently she gave an interview to Marie Claire where she talked all about her pregnancy and was funny and fresh and, well, even for Kunis, interesting. She talked about pregnancy boobs, how her vagina was gonna be wrecked and how she won’t let Ashton watch any of that happening. Then, she gave a phone interview and was all kinds of rude, raging bitch. I mean, who does she think she is, Demi Moore? Demi 2.0?

When the interviewer asked how she was feeling, being pregnant and all, Kunis snapped:

“I don’t talk about that for publication.”

Unless it’s A Vagina Dialogue for Marie Claire?

And she became even ruder, telling the interviewer that his questions were mundane, that she knew what his next question would be because he’s not very good at his job. That he asked questions she’s answered hundreds of times before.

Here’s a hint, Mila. Stop doing interviews if you’re too much of a bitch to be polite.

I loathe Katherine Heigl. She was, ALLEGEDLY, a big star on a hit TV show but then thought she was too good for that and broke her contract to make movies. She made one, maybe two, that were successful and then people realized she has no talent and so, naturally, she's gone back to TV where she’s starring in a new show, State of Affairs, which she described as like Scandal — which I won’t watch because, well, Scandal, is still on and is quite possibly about a thousand times better. Try as she might, Katherine Heigl will never be Kerry Washington, m’kay?

Still, Heigl does have a giant ego, though she prefers to have her mama act the bitch for her. See, she ALLEGEDLY flipped her wig because her name was spelled wrong on her dressing room door and so she called on her mother to scream at someone and get the bad speller fired. Funny thing is, though, it wasn’t just Heigl that was wrong, and the story goes like this …

“It’s Katherine with a K! I’m the star and they can’t even get my name right? Are you f*ing kidding me?!” bellowed Katherine Heigl who came onset and saw the door marked “Catherine Heigle.”

Catherine, er, Katherine phoned her momager Nancy and demanded she find out the culprit and it was discovered that the mistake was made by a new assistant director, who is now looking for a new job. Now, I know it’d be annoying to have your name spelled wrong, but, c’mon, it’s Catherine Heigle; why not just ask that it be corrected. Or maybe the producers will start looking for someone actually named Catherine Heigle who might be a better actress.

Might; that’s funny, because my cat’s a better actress.