It's Snarkurday!

For months, former Sex and the City frenemies Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker were engaged in battle after Cattrall refused to come back for a third SATC—which no one outside of SJP and Kristin Davis wanted—and when Kim balked, SJP tried to publicly shame Kim into making the film; sure, it was a battle fought on magazine covers and Twitter and Andy Cohen, but the battle raged.

I was, and am, #TeamKim—I think SJP is an act, onscreen and off—because Kim was done with the whole charade; I mean, years of the series, one good film sequel and one god awful film sequel and who can blame Kim for screaming, “Enough!”.

SJP tried to publicly shame Kim into making the film but Cattrall dug in her stilettos and basically outed SJP for what we already knew: that she makes major coins off those films and she wanted the money and Kim wasn’t playing.

Also not playing was Cynthia Nixon, who we now know is running for governor of New York and an SATC film is not a campaign video; so, how are the girls reacting to Nixon’s political ambitions? SJP is mum, until someone gives her a check top voice her opinion, and Davis is quiet because her opinion isn’t a job, but Kim is talking, and throwing subtle shade.

Someone tweeted at Kim:

“Kim, what do you think of Cynthia running?!”

And Kim replied:

“I support & respect any former colleague’s right to make their own career choices.”

Snap; whether it’s a career choice to run for office or a career choice to saying ‘No’ to a dead franchise.

Go Kim!

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A few weeks back Burt Reynolds—yes, still alive and plugging a new film The Last Movie Star—appeared on The Today Show with Hoda Kotb and said some weird shiz like ….

Hoda: Who would you consider the love of your life?

Burt: You’re naughty. You really are. I am dead in the water no matter what I say. Well, she was 7 when I fell in love with her. She stayed 7 for about 11 years. I would say Sally.

Hoda: Sally Field?

Burt: No, Sally Woofergosh. Yes, Sally Field

Sadly, making himself look a little like a pedophile, because he actually met Sally when she was 31., but then he also muttered something about Hoda’s “purty mouth.”

And so now, the doddering Reynolds is trying to explain what he didn’t know or doesn’t remember he said. Still pushing the movie, he’s also being asked to explain what he said, and is playing the I-Have-No-Idea card; of LipGate he said:

“It didn’t come out like that. I don’t know what the hell I said, but I got so (hacked) off at people being (hacked) off at me for hurting Kotb.”

As for Sally, he tried to change the quote entirely:

 “I didn’t say 7. I said 37, I think.”

Except even thirty-even is wrong. Look, he’s an old man, and I think he was trying to be smug and smarmy and funny, but once you hit the Eighty-Year-Mark leave smug and funny for men half your age.

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Earlier this month, it was reported that two actor-doctors from Grey’s Anatomy—Jessica Capshaw, Dr. Arizona Robbins, and Sarah Drew, Dr. April Kepner—would not have their contracts renewed.

This happens all the time on shows that have been on the air for over thirty years—or at least feel like it—but …were the dismissals of these two actors because Grey’s “star” Ellen Pompeo negotiated a new contract to stay with the show for $20 million?

Just saying; as soon as the ink dried on Pompeo’s contract, actors on the show have been let go; the coins have to come from somewhere.

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Sean Penn is currently promoting a book he “wrote,” Bob Honey Just Do Stuff, and recently appeared on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast; when Maron asked him about co-parenting with his ex-wife, House of Cards Robin Wright, Penn got a little nasty. Penn, whom Wright divorced in 2010, are parents of two now grown children, Dylan and Hopper, and Penn says the two “don’t have a lot of conversation[s].”

Um, your kids are in their mid-20s … what’s to discuss? Penn says:

“We don’t not get along. We have very separate relationships with our kids at this point and it seems to work better that way because they are making their own decisions. As it turned out she and I did not share the same ethical views on parenting, including the continuing parenting of adult children.”

Parenting adult children? Sounds like Penn’s a bit of a tyrant who wants to control his children long into adulthood. He also added that the Wright-Penn offspring are “both acting and modeling, an industry that I’m not very interested in.”

What’s this? It’s the best part of the interview … Sean Penn is done with acting.

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We recently talked about all the rape allegations against actor Ed Westwick—accused by at least three women of drugging and raping them—and it’s getting more interesting.

A few of the women made statements to the police and last week the LAPD confirmed that it had an open investigation into Westwick and that was when Westwick ALLEGEDLY did this … he went on social media and deleted statements he posted denying those sexual assault allegations made against him.

An LAPD source—is it Lohan working with Lawyer.com?—says:

“It has come to the attention of investigators that Mr. Westwick has removed denials about alleged rapes of the victims in this investigation from his social media accounts that he had posted last November.”

That begs the question, Why? It’s not clear when Westwick erased the messages, but it came to light that he had done so four days after the LA District Attorney confirmed that his case was under review.

It might be that Westwick has hired a high-profile L.A.-based female criminal defense lawyer to represent him and she apparently has a policy for her clients to stay off social media.

I get that his lawyer probably told him to delete the posts because, really, it’s best to say nothing, and I get that the deletions are not an admission of guilt, but I also get that his posts aren’t really gone. The denials were copied and posted and posted and reposted and are still out there … and can come up in a trial if there ever is a trial.

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In Frightening News …moments after his wife Vanessa served the divorce papers on a platter to Donald Junior., he went out and got himself a license to carry a concealed weapon in Pennsylvania.

Now, we all know Junior has a yuge ego and tiny dick … like Daddy …and loves to hunt and kill animals because it gives him a sense of power killing a defenseless animal, then posing for a picture over the carcass and splattering it all over social media.

But now he’s packing heat in America?

It is not clear why he applied in Pennsylvania, but … there is speculation that he didn’t do it in New York because you have to supply financials and, also like Daddy Little Dick, Junior doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s not nearly as rich as he pretends … or doesn’t want people to know how much of him is owned by Russia.

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One of the big stories of the week—and by ‘big’ I mean ‘stupid—was the Who bit Beyoncé in the face?

Seriously. It all began when publicity thirsty Tiffany Haddish took to social media to say:

“You wanna know who bit Beyoncé? I’m gonna just tell you all. And it’s the last time I’m talking about it. I ain’t going to say nothing else about it. People should be focusing on the real issues at hand, like did you do your taxes? Because taxes is due real soon. Can your children read and write? Have you been working with them on their reading and their writing? Is your house clean? That’s what we need to be focusing on. But y’all wanna know … everybody’s going crazy about who bit Beyoncé.”

She initially tried to joke and say it was Stormy Daniels, and then Lena Dunham’s name was bandied about and finally Sanaa Lathan became the biter. And then Haddish said she’d never tell because:

“NDAs [Non-disclosure agreements] are real, so I’m not saying shit about nothing.”

And even Beyoncé isn’t saying anything, or turning it into a song or some concept album or long-form video or some other way to turn it all into coins, but a source—clearly, it’s Beyoncé—said:

“She thinks it’s sweet people are so concerned, but also doesn’t want to make life hard for the person that did it.” 

Meaning she’ll drag this out for a few months and then turn it into a song or some concept album or long-form video or some other way to turn it all into coins.

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We have an update in the SJP Silence over Cynthia Nixon’s political aspirations.

SJP said, through a spokesperson because if she’s not getting paid, she won’t do the talking:

“Cynthia has been my friend and colleague since we were little girls. I look forward to talking to her about her New York state gubernatorial bid.”

Sorry, SJP, that was far from a ringing endorsement. I mean, it sounds like you’re a bit miffed she doesn’t want you on the ticket.

Or maybe it was a lukewarm statement because if Nixon wins, then SJP knows that she’ll not be available for SATC 4 or 5 or 6, and with only SJP and Kristen Davis on-board, who’d pay to sit through that?

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Lastly, Tyra Banks, who annoys me more than Beyoncé, if possible.

Banks has finally admitted what everyone already knows: she had a nose job. But the best part of learning this truth is the reason she gives for going under the knife.

Banks recently wrote a memoir with her mom called Perfect Is Boring and explained the rhinoplasty:

“I had bones in my nose that were growing and itching. I could breathe fine, but I added cosmetic surgery.”

Itchy bones that grow in her nose.

Yes, she clearly annoys me more than Beyoncé.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Jonathan Groff, on what it’s like to shoot a gay sex scene:

“So, when you first get there and you take off the robes and you’re in your weird little dick sock and your anal cover, there’s usually some, like, laughter, and then we sort of talk about what is happening in the scene. And we sort of do a rehearsal with our shorts on or whatever. And then we do it. I find [sex scenes] really fun and enjoyable and funny and weird and hilarious and a great opportunity to share a lot about characters. And there’s no words, so it’s an interesting thing to act. But I’ve never done a sex scene with someone who smells bad or I didn’t like something about them. That would be terrible. That’s the benefit I’ve had. I’ve never done a sex scene with someone that has not been so respectful and great about smelling fine and making it as palatable as possible.”

I could barely get beyond “anal cover” and so I’ll leave it at that.

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Burt Reynolds, promoting his new memoir, on Charlie Sheen and his HIV status:

“He’s handled it badly, I think. His father is a very, very decent man and a dear friend of mine. I feel bad for him but Charlie, I don’t feel bad for him. He’s getting what he deserves. If you’re going to misbehave like that, they’re going to get you. He misbehaved badly. Very badly. But you know, when you’re that age, it’s tough. All those things are coming at you and it’s difficult.”

Funny. I remember back in the day when the rumor mills swirled that playboy Burt had AIDS and he said he was afraid the rumor would ruin his career.

You’d think he’d know better, but maybe his toupee is too tight or maybe he’s just an assh*le.

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Caitlyn Jenner, on looking like a “man in a dress”:

“One thing that has always been important for me, and it may seem very self-absorbed or whatever, is first of all your presentation of who you are. I think it’s much easier for a trans woman or a trans man who authentically kind of looks and plays the role. So what I call my presentation. I try to take that seriously. I think it puts people at ease. If you’re out there and, to be honest with you, if you look like a man in a dress, it makes people uncomfortable. So the first thing I can do is try to present myself well. I want to dress well. I want to look good. When I go out, as Kim says, you’ve got to rock it because the paparazzi will be there.”

I understand she’s new to this, and she’s still transitioning, but does she have to transition from one kind of an asshat to another kind of asshat.

Caitlyn looks like Caitlyn, and she should accept that, but she also needs to know that other people, trans or otherwise, look like themselves. Maybe she should transition into accepting all people as they are?

To be fair, she has, once again, apologized for putting her foot in her mouth, but I still wish she'd think before she speaks.

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Janine Turner, former Northern Exposure actress and current has-been wingnut, on how Darth Vader’s costume was black because Star Wars movies were based on the Bible:

“Regarding Darth Vader, please! The Bible talks darkness and light. This is about evil and good. Darkness and light. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything else, this goes back to biblical times. It’s been discussed in the Bible, Jesus talks about it. It’s about darkness and light, evil and good.”

I guess this is what happens to actresses who cannot get a job after being on a hit show?

Siddown Janine, sometimes a movie is just a movie, and not about the Bible at all.

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Barbara Walters, while interviewing Bradley Cooper for her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2015 special:

“I could just sit and stare at you but that would take too much time, but I, I find you very screwable.”

Grandma needs a nap.

I remember when Walters was considered a serious journalist, interviewing all kinds of heads of state, and now the eighty-six-year-old is reduced to tired come-ons to forty-year-old men, young enough to be her grandson.

Don't get me wrong, Cooper is screwable, but for Walters to say that ... ew.

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It's Snarkurday!

So, after Blake Shelton up and divorced Miranda Lambert amid rumors that she’s a cheatin’ croonin’ country star, she needed to beef up her image and what better way to get some press than to appear onstage with former country crooner turned pop tart Taylor Swift?

When Swifty’s tour came to North Carolina, Miranda was there, too, and they sang one of Lambert’s hits, “Little Red Wagon.” And it all looked so sweet except … the two are ALLEGEDLY feuding and have been for a couple of years, so it was tense that night, onstage and off … says a source:

“The girls were anything but friendly that night. Miranda was miffed that Taylor flubbed several lines of ‘Little Red Wagon’ and also annoyed that Taylor made her wear a 1989 shirt.”

Taylor Swift is a stylist, too? But I digress … the tension dates back to when the two gals got into a screaming match over a collaboration that fell apart and ever since then they hate each other. Miranda thinks Taylor is fake … you don’t say … while TayTay says Miranda is a mean girl … go figure. So why the concert duet? Damage control.

Since Miranda’s divorce, and the rumors that she’s boning any man and every man that comes within ten feet, her reputation is shot. Cheating boozing lying … maybe TayTay is a career stylist … too?

And speaking of Miranda, let’s jump to Blake Shelton and his new girlfriend, and newly divorced herself, Gwen Stefani.

After finally saying what everyone knew was true — that they were doing one another — the NBC press train … NBC owns The Voice and therefore owns Stefani and Shelton … made it clear that this new romance started after Gwen split from her husband Gavin Rossdale, except … Gavin doesn’t think so.

Gavin’s theory is that Gwen was on the down-low, turning in that chair with Blake Shelton while they were still married because she was afraid a nasty divorce, and rumors of cheating would cost Gwen a boatload of alimony cash.

Of course, maybe he’s just sour graping because of the song she wrote about him after the split … a song that, as I said a few weeks back, was kinda nasty and not really the kind of song a mother would like her kids to hear her sing about their father. And maybe he’s pissy because folks say she wrote it that way since he was ALLEGEDLY doing the down-low thing with Marilyn …

All this cheating makes for a perfect country song … Get to writin’ it, Blake.

I adore Tim Gunn and here’s just one reason … Tim has once again served the tea — a few weeks back he dished all things Anna Wintour — during an interview where he was asked about Kanye West’s latest fashion collection … and we're holding until the laughter dies down … and he replied like this:

“Well, I’m reminded of the words of a very dear friend of mine, former editor-in-chief of Vogue Grace Mirabella. I think they’re a bunch of dumb clothes. Just basic pieces.”

And Tim then decided to add some juice about that whole Kardastrophe Klan and their ALLEGED fashion sense and influence:

“The whole Kardashian clan doesn’t like me, so. There are large issues for me, such as ‘Why? Why?’. When it comes to fashion, I say to people all the time, if you want guidance for your fashion, just consider this: If a Kardashian is wearing it — don’t. I think it’s vulgar. And I just think given the amount of public exposure that the Kardashians have, to potentially be sending a message to people that you too can dress like this? No.”

I image now that Kanye and That Woman have huddled around a cauldron trying to come up with a potion to make Tim Gunn recant …

It must be a slow news day when has-been actor, and bad toupee wearer, Burt Reynolds rises from his crypt to say something nasty about his ex-wife, Loni Anderson — whom he wed in 1988 and divorced six years later. But, Burt decided twenty-one years later was the perfect time to dish about Loni, whom he calls “The Countess”:

“The Countess bought everything in triplicate. China. Diamonds. Designer gowns. She’d pay $10,000 a pop for the dress. And being ‘the Countess,’ she’d only wear them once because, you know, she couldn’t possibly wear a dress after it had been photographed. She’d say, ‘I have to dress like a star, Burt.’”

And, he says, when he gave her an American Express Platinum Card, she maxed out the $45,000 credit limit in 30 minutes.

Wait. It was just 45K? Reynolds spent more than that in 30 minutes on toupee glue.

Ariana Not-So-Grande has kinda become a star rather quickly — I mean a couple of years ago she was just some prepubescent schoolgirl and now she’s a prepubescent schoolgirl with a record deal. And, along the way there have been all sorts of stories about what a bratty diva bitch she is, from temper tantrums to America-bashing to fan-hating to donut-licking and on and on.

And now this; she was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show in Britain, but didn’t show up ALLEGEDLY because a new Krispy Kreme had opened on the corner and she had Maple Glazed to lick.

Apparently her minions, and by minions, I mean her parents because she doesn’t have to pay them, told Jonathan Ross’ people that she was getting in a car to go over to shoot the episode but then she never arrived; and so Ross trashed the petulant little diva on air:

“Ariana is in town. We were told she would be in the car at 6pm to be here for 7pm then it got to 7pm and she was not in the car – 7.30pm and she is still not in the motherfucking car. So I don’t think we can hold out much hope. I don’t know what it is. We are going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt and not say anything mean or judgmental. I apologise to anyone who might have come along hoping to see her. She was booked but the lazy little fucker has not come. Maybe she has gone to her first Nando’s.”

I imagine now that Arianna has created a Jonathan Ross voodoo doll out of bits of her weave, some donut crumbs, and crusty bits of chicken and will stand outside his apartment wailing like a bird with a broken wing … if she can get there in time.

Robert De Niro is cranky; he’s cranky like “get off my lawn” cranky.

At the Wall Street Journal Innovator Awards in New York last week, a man named Stewart Butterfield — his real name — won an award and during his speech, pointed out all the famous people in the room, and then took aim at De Niro:

"I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane ... when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that."

Robert De Niro didn’t like it, and when he took the stage to present an award to Angelina … need I say Jolie … he went off:

“Whoever the last speaker was ... I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors ... celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”

And then Robert De Niro had Stewart Butterfield offed. Well, maybe not, but he could have; and the lesson is, never speak to De Niro, about De Niro, or look into the eyes of De Niro.

And now for some Food Network gossip … This year ALLEGED adulterer Bobby Flay divorced his wife and ALLEGED adulteress Giada de Laurentiis divorced her husband and the internet went wild that Giada and Bobby would be bumping uglies before the year was out.

Now, maybe not so much. Giada recently admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she would NEVER date Bobby Flay after hot Andy Cohen suggested that there are people out there who want to see these two foodies play hide the chorizo.

“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”

So, is she smarter than dating Bobby Flay or is she smarter than telling Andy Cohen, who never met a tidbit of gossip he didn’t Tweet to death, that she wouldn’t date Flay?

I’m still sensing hanky-panky in the kitchen.

Forget about the Taylor Swift and Katy Perry Feud, because there’s some old school divalicious about Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez.

It seems that JLo’s manager Benny Medina, also represented Mimi from 2003 to 2008, and then tried to get back into her career ruining, I kid, running, I kid, but JLo put the kibosh on it and renegotiated her contract with Medina to include a “No Mariah” clause.

I assumed that clause was standard practice in Hollywood.

I can’t help it … I love girls feuding. Especially when the girls are Vivica Fox and 50 Cent. And to think it all started with the rumors that Vivica once tossed 50’s salad, and the of Fiddy’s ass getting Vivica lip treatment raised its ugly head again when Fox appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked her about Fiddy’s Instagram post that blamed Empire’s second season ratings slump on the “extra gay stuff”:

Andy: What were your thoughts when 50 Cent blamed the second season ratings dip on “gay stuff”?

Vivica: First of all, um, you know the pot calling the kettle black is all I’m saying.

Andy: Pot calling the kettle black… So you’re not insinuating that he’s…  Vivica A. Fox, what are you insinuating?

Vivica: Well, I mean, no, he’s not. I mean, we had a good time. I mean, but he’s just, seems, like he’s got something that’s not quite clear. So….

Andy: You mean sometimes if people protest too much about something, that the actual fire is happening right there in front of them?

Vivica: Yes. Absolutely. I’ll just never forget there was a Vibe cover with him and Soulja Boy that made me go, “Hmm.” I’m just saying…

Andy: So you saw the cover and you thought… Were you with him at the time the cover came out?

Vivica: Absolutely not. Well, he looked like a booty snatcher on that one to me.

And so the feud was off and as soon as that episode of WWHL aired both 50 Cent and Soulja Boy went on the attack against Fox; Soulja Boy Instagrammed a picture of Vivica looking a little rode hard and put away wet … as we say here in Smallville’s horse country … and he added the caption:

“Everybody hit up this cougar...she’s single & ready to mingle …1-800-GrannyDesperateForAttention extension I’mWashedUp”

And then Fiddy took aim:

“Oh No!!!, Now she thinks I’m gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO. Wait, I didn’t want her to, she forced me, and my hands were tied. 50 shades of grey”

Sounds like a lot of protesting to me … and funny that Fiddy and Soulja both came for Vivica. Where there’s smoke, there might be flamers.

Since we already did some Snark Talk this week about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, and when they began banging, and with whom his ex, Miranda Lambert, may have been cheating with, and how her ex, Gavin Rossdale, suspected that Gwen was already riding Blake before his divorce, and before their divorce, except …

Right about the time Gwen and Gavin put the kibosh on their wedded bliss, rumors circulated about Gwen firing the nanny because maybe the nanny was, um, nannying Gavin, too.

And now there seems to be more rumors that, yes, Gavin was boning the nanny, Mindy Mann, for up to three years, including the years that Gwen was knocked up with their youngest kid. Gwen ALLEGEDLY found out about the Nanny Banging when another nanny — how many nannies do these folks need — read a slew of text messages, and saw some nude pics, between Mindy and Gavin on the family iPad.

Damn that technology! It makes it so much harder for bored male celebrities to bang the nanny without their wives finding out.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What a Happy Kardastrophe Thanksgiving. That Woman was there with her side-piece; Khloe came with that rapper who's cheating on her; Kourtney and her husband, Drunky McDrunkness arrived, as did the Model and the One Who Wants To Be A Model But Will Never Make it. Even the Kash Kow came, with baby NorthSouthEastWest.

The only person who didn't show was Kanye, who was in Paris for the holiday and dined at Ralph Lauren’s restaurant with “two male friends” on Thursday.

That's all.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf, AKA Crazy McDrunkness — no relation to that Drunky McDrunkness above except for their love for the brown juice — was part of an LA art piece called #IAMSORRY during which he sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career ... a whip, a Transformer, a note from his agent, resigning the position ... on a table in front of him. And one by one, people came into the room and sat across from him, talking to him or saying nothing to him, or using his "props" in whatever way they chose. 

Did you say whip? Hmmm.

Now Shia is saying that a woman came with her boyfriend, who stayed outside the door when this happened, whipped his legs for ten minutes and then stripped off his clothes and raped him. Then she walked out, passing the hundreds, okay, tens, of people waiting to get inside like nothing happened.

Seriously, he allowed some random to rape him and stayed silent because, art?

Maybe not; Shia’s collaborators Luke Turner and Nastja Säde Rönkkö have backed up Shia's tale, though they also say they stopped the rape before it ever happened. Nastja said on Twitter that people weren’t told they could do whatever they wanted to Shia and also said that she and Turner stopped the ALLEGED rape:

“A couple of important clarifications about our #IAMSORRY project earlier this year: Nowhere did we state that people could do whatever they wanted to Shia during #IAMSORRY. As soon as we were aware of the incident starting to occur, we put a stop to it and ensured that the woman left.”

So, Shia wasn't raped, as he says, though a woman apparently did try to get a little somethingsomething off'a him.

I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I know a steaming pile of BS, AKA Shia LaBeouf, when I see it.

That Smokey and the Bandit money just doesn't last, y'all, because Burt Reynolds is brokity-broke-broke-broke.

According to several sources — mostly people to whom he owes buckets of cash — Burt is in a bad way when it comes to money. He hasn’t made a mortgage payment on his Florida home in four years and now owes more than $1.4 million; he tried to sell it back in 2011 for $9 million, and then dropped the price to $2.9 million, but nobody wants it, except for the bank.

But Burt doesn’t have $1.4 million, so he’s been forced to auction off more than 600 pieces of movie memorabilia and stuff from his house at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Included in the sale is Burt’s red jacket from Smokey and the Bandit, a gold pocket watch — a gift from Sally Field, a pair of boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali, a pair of cowboy boots that he wore in Striptease, of his People’s Choice Awards, and his Golden Globe for Boogie Nights. Not for sale, though, is the bear skin rug upon which he reclined when he was hot and relevant and a movie star.

Sad, though, that he reduced the price of his home by some 60% and he still couldn’t get a bite? Why didn’t his ex-wife, Loni Anderson, whom he dumped a la Tom Cruise before anyone had ever heard of Tom Cruise, buy it out from under him for the Everything Must Go sales prices?

That would’a been the ultimate revenge, using his alimony money to buy his house from him.

Big Sean must love the drama. He was engaged to Naya Rivera for a hot minute, before she accused him of cheating, broke it off, and married some random dude a month later, and now he's hitched his wagon to one Ariana Grande Latte, teen brat and unadulterated diva.

And, well, Big Sean may be rethinking hooking up with Mimi2.0 because she has a penchant for talking in baby talk ... all the time.

See, according to Star magazine ... hey, they could be reliable, you don't know! ... Ariana is driving Big Sean cray cray with her constant need to talk in a baby voice:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m thirsty,’ she’ll pout her lips and say, ‘I want to dwink a widdle joosh.’”

At first, Big Sean found it cute because she wasn’t accusing him of stealing her watch and cheating on her--Hey Naya!--but now he's over it, especially since he has to stop mid-concert and change Ariana's diaper because "I made a messy wessy."

Seriously? Seriously.

Rosie’s joining The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View!! Rosie’s coming back to The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View again!!

It seems as though Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would. Now, I like Rosie, but I imagine she has an ego the size of The View studio and is a bug in the ass of everyone there.

But now folks are saying Rosie’s pissed because she wanted to be the HBIC and the producers — one being Grandma Barbara Walters — said, “Look Ro, Whoop’s in charge, but you can sit opposite her and pretend like you’re running things, m’kay?”

And she does that, when cameras are rolling; when they aren’t Ro apparently sits in her seat, refusing to speak to her co-hosts and will only talk to audience members.

The powers-that-be doubt she’ll be back next season, though they aren’t saying that officially just yet, and have tried talking her into staying, but Ro wants to be the Ho and if she ain’t  the Ho she Goes.

Here’s my take: even with Bas gone, even with Sherri “The Earth Is Flat” Shepard gone, the numbers are down, so maybe this little story is being leaked by ABC to spike some interest in the show.

That’s all. But if ABC wants to take things up a notch, tell Rosie she can be the moderator and then invite a bunch of anti-gay Republicans on; her head will explode in time for Sweeps.

So, serial-famewhore, serial-twerker, serial-tongue-exploiter, and Queen of White Trash everywhere, Miley Cyrus has begun dating Arnold and Maria’s — as in Schwarzenegger and Shriver — son Patrick, and Mama Maria ain’t none to happy about. Daddy Arnold is probably thrilled, hoping Cyrus will Twerk his junk after Christmas dinner.

But it’s Maria who is most concerned what Miley’s weed-and-dildo reputation will do for her baby boy, and a source close to the family — it’s Maria herself talking to her old friends at NBC — says:

“It is beyond true that Maria Shriver disapproves of the relationship that Patrick is starting with Miley. She is so controlling when it comes to the image of the family and this is eating her up inside. … She fully believes that you become who you surround yourself with and she’s always been so happy with the friends Patrick chooses. The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her. Maria is very, very worried about the influence Miley’s having on Patrick.”

Okay, Miley’s a hot mess,on that we can agree, but she’s a savvy media player and she knows that by hanging onto Patrick and being all redneckish on him, she will get some precious airtime because, seriously, when does she get airtime unless she’s acting the fool? And when she finds someone else to hang out with who might be a bigger draw to her dwindling fame, she‘ll drop Patrick harder than she drops her panties onstage.

Bet on it.

Back to Kanye ...

It appears KrayKray West delayed a flight from Paris to Helsinki last week because, well, he's Kanye and no one else matters.

The whole flight was waiting on one of those buses that ferries passengers from the terminal to the plane. And Kanye and his assistant took their sweet time getting on that bus; well, the assistant  ran to the bus with Kray's travel documents and care instructions ... written by Kim in KrayKrayon ... while Kanye walked casually behind him.

Once Kray boarded, he took his seat in first class and as the coach passengers, kept waiting until West was seated, boarded, European couple asked for a photo but Mr. Kim Kardastrophe refused, though he initially said 'Yes.'

After the exchange, West focused on his laptop, which displayed nearly nude photographs of a woman with long, dark hair who may or may not have been his wife ... or another reality TV star hoping to hook her wagon to Krazy McKrayKray.

Taylor Swift is the Queen of the Universe and I blame Kanye. See, if at the VMAs a couple of years back, he didn’t “let you finish” after grabbing the mic to kiss Beyoncé’s ass, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering the Life of TayTay now. Well, at least one Jessica Hart, a Victoria’s Secret model, wouldn’t be suffering at the hands of Swifty.

See, Taylor Swift was set to perform again this year at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London because nothing says lingerie like a stick-thing-pop-country-singing-blow-up-doll — try not to think of TayTay’s ta-tas, I dare you — but Swifty had one requirement: no Jessica Hart … EVER!!!

See, last year Swifty sang at the bra-and-panties show, and afterwards Jessica Hart said she liked Taylor Swift but she didn’t really think she was a good fit at the Crotchless Underwear Catwalk, and, well, when Swifty heard that she went all Ariana Grande Latte and said she would not be signing this year if Jessica hart was modeling.

So, Hart was cut from the show, proving that a spoiled little former country queen, turned pop diva, runs the world. I’m looking to book a Space Shuttle to Mars, howsabout you?