Showing posts with label Sherri Shepherd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sherri Shepherd. Show all posts

Saturday, September 06, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Mariah’s getting wackier by the minute … and more so since her marriage bombed bigger than her latest album.

See, Mimi was being interviewed and was asked about other female singers and she said this about Nicki Minaj … “Who?” And this about Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love… “I haven’t heard it” and then she said this about little Mariah, er, Ariana Grande…  “I wish everybody all the best of luck and if this is the career path they choose, hope that they can achieve longevity.” 

But maybe Mariah’s on to something because Little Mariah, er, Ariana, is quickly getting the Diva Handle, what with her obsession with only allowing photographs of the left side of her face — I remember when Mimi did that — and her own hatred, or just  dislike, of Original Mariah.

While filming a TV special in mid-August, Ariana Grande was impossible to work with according to a source — perhaps Dina Lohan looking for a second income now that Lindsay’s across the pond and only making ‘;theater’ money — says: “She was a total nightmare. She demanded to be shot only on her left side and told the lighting crew that if they used red light, she would ‘kill herself’.”

Even producers at the venue were disgusted with Toddler Diva, saying she “is, hands down, the most difficult person they have ever had to work with.”

But never EVER compare Ariana to Mimi because then that little girl will go off. Ariana is fuming about what Mimi said of her in that interview and she cannot, will not hear Mariah’s name mentioned in her presence.

 And never, ever, on her left side! Or in a red light.
And speaking of Beyoncé … she’s done it again.

A few years back, when she was with Destiny’s Child, they released a Christmas album, and recorded their version of Silent Night on it. Well, Beyoncé  added a few words to the song, a few hip thrusts to the melody, and a couple of hair tosses on the high notes, so in the liner noted she actually gave herself credit for being one of the writers of Silent $%&#ing Night.

And now she’s shot some pics and co-written a poem about her favorite subject … Beyoncé … for CR Fashion Book. In her ode to herself, “Bey The Light” the poem is credited to Beyoncé with the words being “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander which means that basically, she took his poem, threw her name in it, and gave herself credit for it.

Now that’s sad and pathetic and egomaniacal and totally Beyoncé, but there’s a funny twist to the story.

The pictures that go along with the words seem to prove that Kanye really does hate Beyoncé because his BFF, Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot and in one photo Tisci actually covered up Bey’s face! He also had her wear stretch pants and do battle with a Mickey Mouse doll.

Kanye and Ricardo are tee-heeing themselves into a Giddy Boy Crazy Frenzy, I imagine.
Way back in April, Katherine Heigl  slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving one of their stores carrying one of their bags, because Heigl was pissed they’d use her “image” without her permission, or a check at the very least.

She demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million but now it’s been revealed that she and Duane Reade have reached a settlement and she’s dropped her suit, AKA the demand for cash.

Heigl’s people — her mother, actually — says both parties are keeping mum about the deal, but apparently Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear.

While I like that some money went to charity and not to Heigl’s ciggie fund, I still would have liked to see that courtroom drama on TV: Highly Respected Actress Shamed By Photo of Her Carrying Duane Reade Bag!

It was sure to have been better than her craptastic new TV show … or so I’m told.
Kristen Stewart. I’ve missed her since she shined in both Twilight and as The Other Woman in Rupert Sanders’ Divorce. Thank god she’s back and talking because this stuff is precious. …

In a Vanity Fair interview, Stewart seems to suggest that she’s an incredible actress and not just a piece of driftwood that washed ashore on Malibu Beach in a teddy and a thong. And she actually blames any and all bad acting from her past — including the time she acted like she wasn’t the trick of a married director — on her costars.

RPats? Is this your fault?

She claims to go into “default” mode when working with someone less talented than she:

“Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m not the type of actor who can perform without wearing a mirror on my face. Everyone knows that you’re better with other actors who are really present, who you are having the same experience with, but I am made or broken on it. If I’m working with someone who I’m not vibing with, or who I have to fake anything with, then it’s sad for me and it’s bad acting.”

So, she’s saying that every single film role she’s ever done, has been done opposite a bad actor? Cuz this bitch sucks in everything.
Britney Britney Britney. Love ain’t your thang, mama, because you’re single again now that former boyfriend David Lucado was caught with his hand on someone else’s Cheetos in a video!

Neither party had any comment on the breakup but Britney did lip-sync a little something while onstage “performing” in Las Vegas.

 “So I know you know my boyfriend cheated on me,” she told the crowd during her Piece of Me show in Las Vegas [on Sunday night], PEOPLE confirms. “But the best thing about being cheated on is I get to go on more first dates.”

And she ALLEGEDLY added: “I need a hot guy. Where are the hot guys here tonight?”

I think the hot guys are staying away from Cheetos singers.
We all know that Lady Gaga copies Madonna, but Madonna copies Cher and Cher copies, well, no one was really here before Cher so maybe Cher is the original?

Anyway. Gaga’s music sounds like Madonna’s music. Gaga looks like Madonna. Gaga dresses like Madonna and, except for the British accent, sounds as full of herself as Madonna.

And, over the years she’s thrown shade at Madge and Madge has doubled down subtly on Ga — I know her so well, it’s just Ga — but now she’s turned up the digs and has taken aim and the Little Monster Queen in a new song all about Gaga.

In a leaked track from her new album, Two Steps Behind Me — it already sounds like a Gaga dig — Madge calls Gaga a ‘copycat’:

‘You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty?
You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that.
But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look
Did you study me hard enough?
You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me.
Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out?
In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.
You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.’

No word on if the song has made the cut, and no word on when Gaga will rip it off and sing it herself.
The Biebs is at it again.

A few weeks ago, he was caught driving on a sidewalk and endangering a disabled woman, and the last week he caused a traffic accident by slamming on his brakes in front of a paparazzo. But his latest case of offensive driving came this past Labor Day weekend when he was arrested — again … who does he think he is … Lohan? — in his hometown, Stratford, Ontario for dangerous driving and assault after ALLEGEDLY slamming his ATV into a minivan driven by a paparazzo.

Naturally, right after these two paparazzi crashes, he Tweeted about how he’s just like Princess Diana in how the photographers follow him, but I still, for the life of me, cannot find the footage of Diana ramming a photographer with her car.

Bieber could be in some serious sizzurp with this latest kerfuffle because he’s still on probation — for the next two years — for Egg Gate. This arrest could trigger a violation and more pictures of Justin crying in a holding cell.

That would almost be worth it. 
So Sherri Shepherd has apparently got the nastiest divorce going … which is no surprise because it was the nastiest marriage going for all of the ten minutes that it lasted.

Sherri used to coo on The View about her boo … how poetic. She was in love, y’all, and they were gonna have a baby via surrogate and life was good. Then the Fifteen Minutes of Marriage to Sherri Clock struck time and the whole shebang was off.

Except then soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally sued for custody of the as-yet unborn child and Sherri, the good Christian that she is, declared the baby wasn’t hers because they used a surrogate so Lamar could have ‘it’ but she wasn’t paying for ‘it.’

Now, though, it seems Sherri, fired from The View no matter how she spins it, and desperate to start a new career as a cashier at the Dollar General, has offered Lamar $100,000 and $3,000 a month for the baby she doesn’t want any more.

And he said, Uh huh, open up the bank vault because Daddy has a pickup.

Lovely, the way straight people can marry and divorce as though it means nothing, and then treat a child as a dollar sign, or act as if they don’t even want it.
So, the other night, over there to London town, GQ Magazine had their Men of the Year Awards during which they honored Kim Kardastrophe … wait, she’s a man? Well, that explains why Kanye’s so hot for her, or him.

Anyway, even though they had the biggest fame whore in town, the good folks at GQ wanted to hedge their bets and so their invited perennial starlet-drug-addict-criminal Lindsay Lohan to the party and she turned up like white trash in a Hefty bag.

With one request.

It seems that Lohan’s people—who we all know is Dina, sucking the last drops from a box of Franzia chardonnay before drifting off into an Ambien sleep—told the good folks at GQ that Lindsay would be delighted to attend their little soiree if only they would guarantee that there would be no other women at Lohan’s table.

That hooker works alone, y’all.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look [that’s it up there and, yeah, not so much sexy as Eva Gabor Grandma] so she wanted to be admired.”

If Lindsay really wanted to be admired she should have winged it over to Los Angeles and attended the LA County Jail Talent Show. She could ‘a been the star at that shindig.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so yeah, Lindsay Lohan got a real job, but it's only for a couple of months.

She'll be playing the same role that that other brilliant actress, Madonna — remember her film career?? Neither does she — played on Broadway last century. But that doesn’t mean Lohan still isn't looking for a pay day, and this time it’s another lawsuit — like the one against the company that marketed her tights ... and I'll say nothing more about that.

Last December, Lohan's lawyer — probably Dina with her hair in a pun and some CVS reading glasses on her schnoz — threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for ALLEGEDLY basing a character on her without paying for the privilege.

Well, it took 'em six months — probably because Lindsay still had some Oprah coins in the bottom of her purse — but finally the law offices of Lohan and Lohan filed suit claiming that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total rip-off of dignified stage and screen actress Lindsay Lohan and now they want a Grand Theft Settlement.

The suit claims Lohan’s “image, voice and style” were stolen for the game, and that the lead character, "Lacey Jonas". is on the run from the Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once bailed on a hotel bill; Jonas is found hiding in alley, asking for help to elude the paparazzi, moaning about how hard it is to be famous, complaining that she doesn’t need “any more lawsuits,” talking about breaking it off with her “lame” family, calling herself anorexic, and bragging about how all of her fans could fill “the country of Africa, wherever that is.”

Lohan wants you all to know that this delusional illiterate cartoon tool is based on her! 

Dammit!
Beyoncé and Jay-Z are on their “On The Run” tour as we speak, and we've heard that tickets aren't selling quickly. So, what do they do? 

Well, if you read this blog’s Random Musings [HERE] you'd know that Beyoncé has taken to exposing her ass onstage to drum up tickets sales and when that didn’t work — because, let's face it, you could get a Beyoncé look-a-like to lap-dance you to hell and back for a lot less than a concert ticket — now comes word that, during a performance of "Resentment" Beyoncé seemed to sing-say that Jay Z cheated on her.

While belting out the track, about a woman who was cheated on, Bey sang “been riding with you for 12 years” instead of the original words “been riding with you for six years.” 

When Beyoncé first recorded that song it was in 2006, when she and Jay had been dating for four years; and that would be twelve years now.

Other original lyrics include the line, "l always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could" which is now being sung as, "I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like that wack bitch could."

Did he cheat? Is he cheating? Or, as I'm apt to think, are the Carters desperate for ticket sales to increase?
Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current country singer, Jewel has announced that she and her husband, professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are divorcing after 16 years together.

And, as celebrities are apt to do, they prefer not to call it divorce — and we can thank Smuggy Paltrow for that. No, rather than saying "we're divorcing" and not wanting to be sued by Paltrow for copyright infringement by using the term "consciously uncoupling" Jewel and Murray announced that there will be a "thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves."

Conscious uncoupling; tender undoing. You're divorcing asshats!
Y'all know Jennifer Lopez blatantly lied about her breakup with Casper Smart, right? She was playing fast-and-loose with the timeline to make it seem like she and Casper weren’t together when he was hooking up with transsexual models.

No one really cared when it happened because we all knew it was going to happen; I mean, it's JLo, who isn’t known for long-term relationships or marriages. But now comes the rumor that Jell-O was in full “meltdown mode” during the breakup.

A friend of the singer — maybe that dancing STD from TV that she's been banging for a hot minute or two — says she's "had a complete meltdown” recently, overdoing it with the champagne and losing it at home:
“She started throwing framed photos of Casper against the wall — there was broken glass everywhere, and the maid had to clean up after her. It was a crazy scene.”
Very Joan Crawford, you know; and she was a bitch, too, who couldn't keep a man for longer than a minute.
It looks like 2014's Messiest Divorce is gonna get messier.

Sherri Shepherd and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally decided to call it quits last May and Lamar began playing the gold-digger role asking for child support for the as-yet-unborn child he and Shepherd were having via a surrogate. He wanted that baby and all the child support that came with it and used it as a jump-off for stories about what a horrible mother Sherri is.

Now, though, it seems that Christian Sherri wants nothing to do with the surrogate baby, and is saying that Lamar swindled her into having a baby via-surrogate just so he could have a monthly paycheck for the next eighteen years after he dumped her. In fact, she's now claiming that this bundle of joy that she once so desperately wanted isn’t even hers, since it’s made from a donor egg and Lamar’s sperm.

So Lamar only wanted Surrogate Baby for the cash, and Christian Sherri doesn’t want Surrogate Baby at all. 

Lovely. And straight people can get married all they want and have all the kids they want because, well, straight.
I wouldn't know Azealia Banks if she brought me my breakfast at the Waffle house — which is where she might be headed given that she doesn’t seem to want to perform and no one seems to want to see her perform.

Case in point: Banks was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway recently, which could have gone badly except that no one showed up to see her in concert.

Banks didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site, so she called up the organizers at the last second and said she wasn’t coming. There was no time to make an official announcement, but thankfully this is what the site looked like during what might have been Banks' set:


No one was there. Like I said, she might have to get used to hearing people ask for more syrup for their waffles and not an encore.
Kim and Kanye spent so much on their tacky wedding — headless statues, gold toilets, engraved marble tables don’t come cheap, y’all —that this story seems quite plausible.

After the wedding, they instantly handed off baby NorthSouthEastWest to That Woman, who instantly put the child in her carry-on, K and K jetted off to Ireland for their honeymoon, where they stayed locked in a hotel room for days doing the deed; the deed being editing and Photoshopping their wedding pictures for Instagram.

And when they left Ireland they left behind a little something else: an unpaid hotel bill to the tune of $20,000. Lindsay Lohan say what?

The K’s first stayed at the Castle Oliver complex in Limerick, but instantly grew tired of the place because the castle was “too big” and their cell reception was awful. So the happy couple left for the Ballyfin House in Co Laois instead.

Yet, according to hotel insiders, the Castle Oliver had already ordered countless items —food, champagne, special flowers, candles — to satisfy the K’s over-the-top demands, and were unnerved to find the K's had disputed the deposit charged to their American Express card and had the charges reversed.

In other words: cheap.
Okay, Solange Knowles. We wouldn’t even know your name if it wasn’t for your sister … or for your on your brother-in-law at a fancy dress ball.

Bu enough with trading on ElevatorGate for some new-found fame, er infamy. Seriously, she thinks she's more famous than ever, reveling in the attention she gets on red carpets, showing up at the opening of an envelope. But that'll last about another hot minute, then she'll go back to carrying Beyoncé’s luggage and polishing Jay Z’s chains, unless ...

She keeps bringing up the beat-down without actually bringing it up. And this may explain why she’s talking —albeit briefly —about the Smackdown in a new interview for Lucky magazine where she downplays the brawl as “that thing”:
“What’s important is that my family and I are all good. What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”
Translation: Beyoncé told me to shut up or she’d stop sending me coins.
So Pam Anderson is divorcing; again. She’s divorcing Rick Salomon; again. He’s the idea who banged that Petri dish of STDs, Paris Hilton, on tape, and he’s the guy who married Shannon Doherty for about a hot minute.

Oh, and he married Pam Anderson in 2007, only to have the marriage annulled a few months later, only to marry Pam Anderson in 2013, only to divorce her in 2014.

And Pam, of course, besides being married to Salomon, twice, was also married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Straight people are so lucky to be able to glorify marriage by doing it over and over again.
So, we all know that ABC fired Sheri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy, AKA Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, from The View, right? 

I mean, Sherri was renegotiating her contract and wanted some more zeros on her check and ABC offered up a check that was all zeros and a map to the exit. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, was hired for one year and about two months in ABC and Barbara Walters said, 'WTF have we done' and told her that she’d be out on the last day of her contract.

That’s the truth; but Jenny and Sherri are spinning like dreidels to make it seem like it was their choice to leave.

This week, after coming back from vacation, Whoopi Goldberg mentioned the “giant neon pink gorilla” in the room that needed to be addressed, and then Jenny started lying. She says she enjoyed The View but is on to bigger and better things and will be announcing, uh huh, a new show she’ll be on where no one will interrupt her, and it will air opposite The View. I break it down like this: she’ll be live Tweeting during The View all next season from her bed, surrounded by empty boxes of Ho Ho’s and Ding Dong’s and old boxed sets of New Kids on the Block CDs from the late 90s.

But Sherri’s explanation for why she got the boot, er quit, was just plain hallucinogenic. She played the Bible card, y’all:
“I’m a woman of faith and seven in the Bible is the number of God’s completion. I’ve been here seven years, and my time at The View is complete.”

Bitch, please. If seven is the number of God’s completion then you knew seven years ago you’d be leaving this year so why try and renegotiate your contract? Open the Bible to the part that says STFU. And then have a seat and be quiet.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Random Musings

We spent last Sunday with former Round-The-Way-Gays, Neal and David; they downsized a bit and moved into another neighborhood here in Smallville, so they are just a little Further-Round-The-Way.

We picked up a friend, Matt, who is in his mid-80’s — yes, I said, eighties — and he is always such a pistol. He’s spending part of this next weekend at a male dance revue where the men don’t actually take off their clothes because, well, they aren’t wearing any clothes, save for elastic bands on their wrists and thighs for you to slip your money into. My wish is that I have half the energy, zest for life, the get up and go, and just plain fun in my 80s as Matt does now.

Afterwards, we took Matt home and then the four of us do what The Gays like to do on a hot day: shop. I’d heard from a friend about a salvage shop near downtown Columbia, and Neal, who knows where everything is, literally, knew of it, so off we went. And they had everything; some salvaged, some salvaged and repurposed; clay pots and sheets; palladium windows turned into mirrors; cabinets, tile, sinks, lights, furniture.

Naturally, Carlos and I will be headed back soon because there were several things we want for the house that we found there, though one thing I think we’ll pass on is the stone sink that Carlos found.

I mean, if we lived in bedrock …..
Why did it take seven years to get Sherri Shepherd off The View

She should'a been gone the day after she said, live on air, that she wasn't entirely sure that the Earth was round.

Oh, yes she did.
I like Elton John, I do, but there are times when I wish he’d just shut up and sing.

Like last week when he said that Jesus would want The Gays to have the right to marry.
Really, Elton? You know this for a fact? A man that has allegedly been dead for over 2,000 years and you know what he thinks about marriage equality?

Stop. Seriously. Stop.
Speaking of religion, I’ve been wondering about all these religious folks hatin' on The Gays and hatin' on laws that are changing to make The Gays equal. 

If God is Love, shouldn't y'all be more tolerant? And if you believe, as some politicians like Frothy Mix has said, that this country was created by God and that our laws come from God, then doesn’t that mean that all new laws, even those granting equality to The Gays come from God? And if so, shouldn't y'all just shut up and take a seat?

Asking for a friend.
Beyoncé. Meh. 

I mean, I kinda liked her a few years back, but then she seemed to reinvent herself as a high-class stripper, grunting and grinding all over the stage while a wind machine attacks her weave.

And now she has a new look: a body suit with the butt cheeks cut out.

Get on the pole already, girl, I hear Cheetahs is looking for fresh meat.
How can it be that pulling a nose hair out is the most painful thing I've ever experienced?
So, last night we wondered what to watch on TV and I had DVRd TNT's new show, The Last Ship, as well as CBS' Under The Dome.
Carlos wasn't feeling very dome-ish, so we opted for The Last Ship.

It should be called The Last Ship of Hot Men. Oy, that's beefcake Travis Van Winkle who obviously buys shirts one size smaller than legally allowed, and Jocko Sims, oozing with sexual heat, and beautiful Commander daddy, Eric Dane.

Yeah, I think we'll keep watching.
Shia LaBeouf was arrested at Cabaret last night and police reported that he was incoherent and disheveled and that he had severe body odor.

No wonder his movies stink. It's not the script; it ain't the acting' it's LaBeouf.
The perfect way to get people to stop talking ... just because?

Hold up the index finger of your left hand and say, "This is my last nerve."

Then take the index finger of your right hand and scratch the index finger of your left hand while saying, "And this is you."

Works every time.
I am not a fast food person; ever. I figure I can get a better meal at a ‘real’ restaurant where the food isn’t frozen and then nuked or super-heated before serving.

Still, I like Burger King’s new Whopper that was unveiled during Pride in San Francisco; a burger wrapped in a rainbow flag paper.

When customers asked what made this Whopper different from a standard-issue burger, they were simply told, “I don’t know.”

But the mystery was revealed once the rainbow-colored wrapper was opened: there was absolutely nothing is different about this burger, nothing at all.

Like it says: “We Are All the Same Inside.”
Ken-freaking-tucky. Where marriage equality arrived this week, though there is a stay on the ruling pending an appeal, but, man oh man, the march is going on.

Maybe, when Carlos and I get married — and we’re doing so this October ... fingers crossed that the plans work out — we might actually be able to do so in South Carolina; it’s all changing so quickly.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Good news! Lindsay Lohan has left America for London recently, so the streets are safe from Lohan, the nightclubs are safe from Lohan; your TV is safe from Lohan. And the better news? She may stay there!

A friend — Hey Dina! — says Lindsay prefers the way people in London treat her like a … forgive me a slight giggle break … big star as opposed to trashy party girl. And Lindsay knows that for some reason, while she is basically unemployable as an actress, there are clubs and events in England that will hire her to show up and stumble about.

All I can say is, London, she’s your problem now.
I missed this somehow, but batshit crazy, religious wingnut, semi-literate Sherri Shepherd and her husband of not quite three years, Lamar Sally, are divorcing.

And it’s gonna get u-g-l-y.

Sally filed for the separation first and then he filed a new petition asking the court for custody of the child he and Shepherd conceived via surrogate … a child that isn’t even born yet!

According to Lamar’s legal papers, he wants full legal and physical custody of the unborn child, and asks that Shepherd be granted only visitation rights. He also wants spousal support and stated that their signed prenup should be invalidated because of fraud—though he failed to clarify what kind of fraud.

Sherri, for her part, wasn’t talking, seemingly taking the high road until ... probably Barbara's last day on The View.
I never knew my boyfriend Bradley Cooper was ever married, but apparently he was, from December 2006 to May 2007, a lifetime commitment in Hollywood.

His ex-wife was a kind of JLo-lite, Jennifer Esposito who watched their marriage end as Bradley’s star rose to Oscar nominee and she fell from being a serial guest-star on police procedurals to a semi-regular on CBS’ Blue Bloods until, she was let go from that show.

So what’s Esposito to do now? Well, trash her ex-husband whom she probably hasn’t seen in seven or eight years, that’s what.

Jennifer’s putting out her memoirs because she needs the coins and will be dishing on Coop, though she won’t mention him by name in the book, choosing to refer to him as a “funny, smart and cocky … master manipulator” who only cared about himself and dropped her ass out of nowhere.

And to prove she’s just delusional she actually says she didn’t “necessarily find him that attractive” though they quickly became a couple and married.  Esposito claims the relationship was an unhealthy one, focused primarily on his needs and nothing else and that she was “a nonissue.”

Yeah? So? I mean, ask the folks at Blue Bloods about your being a nonissue.

And then sit down.
I get a case of the itches just reading, and writing, this one.

Courtney Love, who is taking her Hole on tour again — these things practically write themselves — is saying that fellow literal dirt-bad Russell Brand once tried to get into her crusty granny pants but she turned him down flat because he smelled “too musky.”

Imagine the smells coming off that coupling and then go outside and garb a lung-full of clean air.
Well, after a hearing last week Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which sounds good until you learn he got the Lindsay Lohan Sentence, and may be out by the time you read this due to prison over-crowding … or having a high-powered attorney.

He was back in court for a probation violation hearing after he punched a guy in DC  who got too close, which is a violation of the probation he’s still on for punching Rihanna because she got too close.

The judge sentenced him to a year in jail but that will be whittled down to just a few days because Chrissy will get credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in rehab. And for every day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for two days, so, yeah, he’s probably already out and looking for someone to punch.

If we could just get him to London and in a room with Lohan we might be able to arrest two criminals with one punch.
Last March Gwyneth Paltrow came down from her high horse to give an interview in which she said that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night while she has to be on-set making millions and millions.

She actually said she has it harder being a mom than any other moms on the planet. Now, though, Goop is saying that her words were taken out of context and, well, let’s let her dig her own grave:

“A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule.

This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon?”

And stop. A dig at Chris Martin because she brought home some, or more, of the bacon? Now it's clear why she decided to talk about this after eight weeks, she got to diss her soon-to-be consciously uncoupled hubby.

Seriously, she needs to take a seat alongside Esposito and just stop.
Meanwhile, back at Lohan.

Remember how Lindsay dropped the miscarriage bombshell in the last episode of her reality show docu-series to explain why she’s a flake who can’t show up on time, if at all?

Well, Lindsay doesn’t like that you, or me, or anyone for that matter, thinks she’s an unrepentant liar and so she swore to the miscarriage under oath while testifying for a lawsuit over her clothing line 6126. The suit was delayed because last time she was sued she was in rehab.

But she better be telling the truth, or she could land in jail. Again.

Maybe not, though because now, although she said the word “miscarriage” in her deposition, and said the word “miscarriage” on TV, she doesn’t want to mention it again, especially in court because she wants her privacy respected.

Seriously.
Now, Jay-Z/Solange/Beyoncé.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the video of Solange going bat-shit on Jay-Z in the elevator while it appeared Beyoncé stood off to the side doing her nails, so let’s dissect …

It’s clear, now, that Beyoncé did try to act as a buffer between the Dueling Divas, though she also didn’t seem to be looking at either of them; and it’s clear that every chance Solange got she tried to scratch, claw, kick, bite and shriek at her sister’s husband. It’s also clear that, after the bodyguard stopped the elevator for a Solange time-out, once the trio reached the main floor, Jay-Z looked whipped, Solange looked pissed, and Beyoncé wore a sly smile.

No one commented, though Beyoncé posted a prayer on her Instagram account asking for God to help her family, while Solange went through her Instagram files and deleted every single picture of Beyoncé. That’s saying something, y’all.

Then, at a Brooklyn Nets playoff game later in the week, Beyoncé and Jay appeared courtside for the cameras acting all lovey-dovey and smiling while Solange probably was kept waiting in the car … trunk.

Now, for speculation:

Solange was just on a tear that night, ALLEGEDLY shrieking at her designer friend Rachel Roy and others earlier in the evening. Beyoncé was said to have broken up that fight, however.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who arrived on the red carpet at the Met Ball together — where Jay-Z made a great show on dropping to one knee and putting a ring Bey had dropped back on her finger — hardly spent any time together at the party; Beyoncé and Solange partied together, alone.

Solange ALLEGEDLY attacked her brother-in-law because after the Met Gala he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party alone and maybe Solange doesn’t like Jay-Z and RiRi together.

Jay-Z had reprimanded Solange earlier in the night after some of her non-famous friends used his name to get into the Met Gala.

Lots of speculation, but I keep going to back to that after-elevator picture and Beyoncé’s smile; that smile says, Eff with me again and my sister will come at you harder!

But then Jay and Bey and Sol released a joint statement about the incident days after it was caught on film which says everything and nothing:

 “As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it.

“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.”

“The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false,” the statement continued. “At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

Uh huh. Jay and Solange are at fault because while they were cursing and kicking and fighting, Beyoncé was checking the net for pictures of herself and looking at the full–length mirror in the elevator.

It’s just family, y’all, cat-fighting in evening gowns and tuxedos in an elevator. And it's all bettah now because Bey and Sol are posting pictures of themselves on Instagram again.

Uh huh. The universe has righted itself.
After being called an idiot by Jon Hamm and a piece of sh*t by Seth Rogen, Justin Bieber also took to the basketball courts to make a statement.

Only Little Justin didn’t get a Bey/Jay response.

He took his mommy Patti Mallette to an LA Angeles Clippers game on Mother’s Day, putting on the Good Son Show for photographers who had open access to the little tyke when …

A cameraman put Justin and his mom on the jumbotron and everyone inside the Staples Center booed.

It must have reminded Little Jussy about last month’s Juno Awards, where just the mention of the name Bieber sent the audience into booing spasms.

I’m thinking he should just get ready for more boos and more boos, and then jail time because you just know he’s gonna be arrested again.

He’s Junior League Lohan.
And speaking of Lohan …

Rumor has it that the big star — at least in London — is fast becoming the hard partying girl in London, too.

A source close to Lohan — Hey Dina! When did you cross the pond? — says Lohan is still using the drugs Ecstasy and Molly despite her sixth or seventh most recent stay in rehab.

“Lindsay is of course still partying. She never won’t use drugs and drink,” the source, who set down her chardonnay long enough to speak in anonymity. “Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’”

Lohan is ALLEGEDLY taking the prescription medications Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall — funny, though, on her reality-show docu-series she said she was off Addy — Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium to treat psychiatric problems.

And given Lohan’s history with drugs and lying, it’s not out of the realm that she’s still using.

But this time she won’t get another Oprah A Ha moment.