Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand I do not have Resting Bitch Face. My Bitch Face is always on duty, ever vigilant, and will rest when its work is done.

… that some people like to make an entrance while prefer an  escape.

… that, for me, if tequila was water, and I was a duck, I would swim underwater and never come up. But tequila isn’t water and I am not a duck, so hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

… that no one realizes that everyone is a little crazy, but it’s just that some of us aren’t afraid to whip it out. Throw it on a leash and then take it out for a walk in public.

… that this morning, when I checked my laugh lines in the mirror, my only thought was, “What the fuck was so funny?”

... that no one sees the side effects of interacting with people as I do: there's the trouble listening, or your skin crawling, or middle finger spasms or the strong desire to get blind drunk

… that people need to understand that I might be mean, but I have a good heart. When I tell someone to go to Hell I still hope they get there safely.

… that people don’t understand that I’ll always apologize when I am wrong, but never when I’m provoked. You lit that match now eat the fire.

… that there are people you meet in life and you instantly know that you want to spend your entire life without them.

… that people need to remember that if I offend you, you can cry me a river. I will bring a raft and snacks and be eating chips and working on my tan while I float down your tears.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that a fuck must be earned; I cannot go down the street with a bucket of fucks handing them out willy nilly. If I feel you’ve earned a fuck, I’ll give a fuck.

… that I hate it when I say that I hate people and someone says, “But not me, right? LOL.” No bitch, it’s especially you.

… that I can look directly at a person, nod when they’re talking and throw in a “Yeah,” or an “I know,” and yet not hear a word they’re saying

… that I feel the need to tell people that I am not toxic; I am classier than that … I am toxique….

… that I often feel the need to tell people who are speaking to me that I Googled “Who gives a shit?” and my name wasn’t in the search results

… that I know five people that are clinically insane and two of them are me.

… that I feel like life is a helicopter and I don’t know how to fly a helicopter.

… that my signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

… that I hate it when people to tell me to open up. I mean, I just met you like eight years ago, give me some time.

… that right after I say some things I remind myself that some things aren't better left unsaid.

Why Is It ...

… that I can either give too many fucks or no fucks at all, but I have no middle ground for a moderate fuck distribution

… that, to me, a large group of people is called a “No Thanks”

… that the human body has 7 trillion nerves and most people manage to get on every single one of mine.

… that HR tells me that ‘spite’ is not an appropriate response to “What motivates you”

… that some people give my middle finger an erection

… that people need to shoot for the moon, but if they miss here’s a gentle reminder: the moon’s diameter is 3,475 km and you could not have fucked this up more.

… that whenever I say “long story short,” I add in all the behind the scenes bonus features, too.

… that you shouldn’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you feel; you could be too weak to lift your middle finger

… that sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly … over certain people and crap on their heads.

… that I like to think I am only mean to people who deserve it, kind of like a vigilante bitch … like a bitchalante, if you will

Why Is It ...

… that when I create a To Do List, it lists things like burst someone’s bubble, or stir the pot, or toot my own horn … add my two cents … skate on thin ice … add fuel to the fire.

… that while I was at the bakery I heard a little boy behind me cry to his mother, “Mom, there are only four donuts left!” and when the counterperson asked what I wanted I said, “Four donuts please.”

… that while I am awful at sit ups and lousy at push ups my fuck ups are top notch.

… that I've always wondered if any of my recorded calls have been used for training or quality purposes.

… that y’all need to know that you can’t believe everything I post on here cuz Rosita is always stealing my phone

… that y’all don’t realize if your birth year starts with 19 you shouldn’t be wrapping presents on the floor

… I follow the 7/7/7 plan at work … do my job for 7 minutes, then spend 7 minutes booking a cruise and then disappear for 7 days

… that when people tell me I’m intimidating I always say, ‘Good. Think three times before speaking to me.’

… that you need to know that I am not an asshole; I am a hemorrhoid and I only irritate assholes.

… that I love it when one of the cats sighs and I say, “Oh, what’s up my little unemployed freeloader?”

Why Is It ...

… that as I was sitting in my car the other day, a person came up to my driver’s window and shouted, “I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,” and all I could think to say was, “Can I get my burger and fries? You’re holding up the drive thru.”

… that hearing my voice in a recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I’ve ever spoken to.

… that everyone forgets that I am neither a morning person nor a night person but I do have a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m decent and that’s about it.

… that y’all need to remember that if I go missing there will be no need to go searching the hiking trails

… that there are days when I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t even wanna be human, I just want to be a goat and eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

 … that no one sees that I have a really good heart, but it comes with a side of attitude and zero patience

… that no one listens to my life tips, like … if you rob a bank you will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next ten years, regardless of your success.

… that you should know to stay away from me if you’re sensitive because I will roast you for sport

… that you need to know how to be comfortable in your own skin because it’s a crime to wear someone else’s

… that I know how to treat people right but I also know how to walk a dog; the choice is yours.

Why Is It ...

… that people need to accept what’s good in their lives … like me, I’m a f*cking delight.

… that we all have that one friend that we literally have to tell them to ‘be nice’ before we introduce them to a new person; or is that just directed at me.

… that sometimes I want to call into work and say, ‘My mom said I can’t come.’

… that no one realizes that I don’t care if I’m not their cup of tea; I’d rather be gasoline and set shiz on fire.

… that when someone asks me how I sleep at night knowing there are some people out there that don’t like me, I say, ‘I sleep with no underwear on in case they want to kiss me ass.’

… that people need to learn that it’s really important, especially in the morning, to shut up.

… that with so many things coming back into style, I cannot wait until morals and intelligence start trending again.

… that more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the lest you work so stay hydrated and follow me for more work tips.

… that one of my hobbies is having no time for bullsh*t

… that the other day Carlos turned to me and said, ‘I was talking to you and you yawned six times. Am I boring you?” And I said, ‘Those weren’t yawns, they were six unsuccessful attempts to speak.’

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

Why Is It ...

… that my idea of time management is hoping that the tomorrow-me is more responsible than the today-me.

… that it’s just me and my ‘I forgot and I don’t remember’ against the world.

… that you need to learn that if you call me and start talking to people in the background, I will hang up.

… that I ignore subtle hints so that maybe you’ll speak up and be direct like an adult.

… that there are three places you can stay for free and they are: in your own lane, out of my business, and over there.

… that today I am choosing kindness but, you know, it’s still early.

… that people need to know that I’m not friendly, but I am cool so you can speak to me but don’t keep talking to me.

… that I like to make sure everybody is as confused as possible when it comes to me.

… that I know I am not the only one who whispers ‘fuck off’ to myself about certain people at least twenty times a day.

… that I am only just now realizing that my spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

Why Is It ...

… that the two reasons why I don’t trust people is that [A] I don’t know them, and [B] that I know them.

… that I learn best from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.

… that no one gets that I have officially resigned from Adulthood™ and that from now on decisions will be made using the Eenie-meenie-minie-moe Method, arguments will be settled by sticking out my tongue, and that if you need me, I’ll be at recess.

… that just hearing my name can sometimes ruin someone's day and I’m kinda proud of that.

… that I used to think I didn’t like talkative people in the morning because it turns out  it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, I just don’t like dealing with people in general.

… that when I think that I’m the problem, I instantly also think, Never mind, that doesn’t even sound right.

… that they say I am too young to sign up for a nursing home when I am so ready for Bingo at 2PM, dinner at 4PM and bed at 7PM.

… that I’ve only just realized that the way to get someone’s attention is to not want it any more.

… that I can’t summon Alexa to knock the power out at work.

Meme Dump

Meme Dump

Meme Dump