It's Snarkurday!

The minute I heard that Colton Haynes was marrying Jeff Leatham and that That Woman was performing the ceremony, I set the timer for six months. And lo and behold when the timer went off it appeared that the marriage was over.

Now, no one knows why the marriage ended, or even if it has truly ended but here’s what we do know…

Colton has stopped following Jeff on Instagram

Colton erased all pictures of Jeff’s face from his Instagram

Colton released a song called Man It Sucks about a breakup

Seriously … it’s that serious. And true, because now we hear that Colton has already filed for divorce.

I’m telling you, it used to be if a celebrity was photographed not wearing their wedding ring, that was the signal. Now all you gotta do is Unfriend them on social media.

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I thought the next season of Ryan Murphy’s Feud would be his feud with Olivia de Havilland, but there’s another fight that might peek his interests: the seventeen-year feud between Jada Pinkett Smith and Gabrielle Union.

Oh, you hadn’t heard of that one? Don’t feel bad, no one had until Jada, who is doing some kind of low-rent talk show on Facebook called Red Table Talk with her mom, and the two went on Extra to promote their show.

Jada said she’s be having Tiffany Haddish, Hollywood’s New ‘It’ Girl, and Jada needs the viewership, but it was what she said next that drew the biggest gasps …well, from Jada and her mom at least:

“I have a really touching episode with Gabrielle Union. We haven’t been on the best of terms for 17 years, and we have a reconciliation. [And] when the producers said we want to do a girlfriends show… her name just kept coming up… it just couldn’t be anything else.”

And yet even Jada can’t seem to recall what the nearly two-0decade pissing contest was about.

So why should we care? We don’t.

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Does anyone think that if she didn’t have a TV show, and couldn’t play out this drama with her Baby Daddy, that Khloé Kardastrophe and Tristan Thompson would still be together?

Yes, Khloé and Tristan are staying together, probably not for each other, and probably not for the child, but for the cameras to roll next season.

I mean, c’mon. Big sis Kim married a guy on TV only to divorce him on TV the next season …and then she married a guy who goes off his meds regularly.

Kourtney was married to Scott Is A Dick Disick.

Kim Wannabe, Kylie, used to date a guy, buy him cars, and then act surprised when, on camera, he gave them to her as gifts; and the she got knocked up by a one-night stand.

So, again, does anyone really think Khloé and Tristan are staying together for any reason other than ratings?

I know, right?

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Johnny Depp cannot stay out of the news.

This week Depp is hot because he ALLEGEDLY physically attacked a location manager on the set of his upcoming film, LAbyrinth, when he tried to punch the guy and then shrieked:

“I’ll give you $100,000 to punch me right now!”

Easiest 100K I’d have ever made.

The set of LAbyrinth turned toxic when Depp decided to take over the directing reins for a scene featuring two of his friends as a cop and a homeless guy. The production had permits to close down the street, but Depp took so long “directing” that they expired and when he tried to continue that location manager told the actual director, Brad Furman, that the scene had to wrap’ Furman, knowing he was working with crazy said:

“Tell that to Johnny Depp!”

And when the location manager did just that, Depp—who ALLEGEDLY had been drinking all day—got in his face, screaming”

“Who are you? You have no right!”

When the man simply said he was doing his job, Depp tried to punch him in the ribs and when he got no reaction was when he screamed about the 100K.

A rep for Depp had no comment. Furman insisted the ALLEGED incident was overblown. I’m thinking … bull shiz, Johnny Depp is unhinged.

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Since he announced his split from wife Vanessa, Donnie _____ Junior has started dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle.

A former San Francisco and LA prosecutor Guilfoyle is known for her strong connections to the _____ clan and family, and tirelessly backs the president and the first family.

Big surprise, I mean the Fat Bastard gets his talking points from Fox, so why shouldn’t Junior get his latest side-piece from them, too?

Plus, Guilfoyle was also linked to Anthony Scaramucci last year when he briefly separated from his wife.

Wow, Junior got the Mooch’s sloppy seconds.

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A while back we discussed “actor” Clayne Crawford being a dick on the set of Fox’s Lethal Weapon knockoff. Clayne played the Mel Gibson role for two seasons but not anymore. He was fired for being a terror o-set and found out when, well, we all did … when Fox announced it in The Hollywood Reporter.

Ouch.

Fox is still planning to renew Lethal Weapon for a third … third? … season if they can recast his role sooner rather than later, but most actors in Hollywood are all:

“There’s a Lethal Weapon TV show?”

Which is what most people are saying.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Matt Damon, on _____’s ego:

“The deal was that if you wanted to shoot in one of his buildings, you had to write him in a part. [Director] Martin Brest had to write something in Scent of a Woman—and the whole crew was in on it. You have to waste an hour of your day with a bullshit shot: Donald Trump walks in and Al Pacino’s like, ‘Hello, Mr. Trump!’—you had to call him by name—and then he exits. You waste a little time so that you can get the permit, and then you can cut the scene out. But I guess in Home Alone 2 they left it in.”

If I were a filmmaker and _____ said I could use his property only if I put him in the film, I’d kindly turn and walk away.

Still, I imagine the number of cutting room floors he’s been found on is high-larious.

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Richard Spencer, newly confirmed Secretary of the Navy on _____’s transgender ban:

“We will process and take direction of a policy that is developed by the [Defense] secretary [with] direction from the president and march out smartly, [but] on a fundamental basis, any patriot that wants to serve and meets all the requirements should be able to serve in our military.”

I tend to put my faith in the men and women of the military and not the draft dodging little pissant in the White House.

But that’s just me.

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Joe Scarborough, of MSNBC’s Morning Joe, suggesting _____ is being blackmailed by Putin:

“Donald Trump, at some point in his life, has insulted everybody around him in the harshest of terms, including his own children, [but] there is only one exception to Trump’s bullying and belligerence. The only person that I certainly can think of that he has never insulted, that he has never attacked is Vladimir Putin, which, again, raises the question, and I will ask it again on TV: What does Vladimir Putin have on Donald Trump? Because whatever it is, it must be extraordinary.”

I doubt we’ll ever know, but just the suspicion should be enough to impeach.

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Kellyanne Conway, Minister of Propaganda, on Fox & Friends—because she knows that’s all her boss watches—kissing his ass:

“The president and first lady felt compelled to donate $1 million of their own money. They felt compelled to visit [Texas] twice, to really spend the time yesterday, engage people, look them in the eye. This is the Donald Trump that so many of us know and are privileged to work with and to know very close and personal. People are saying he missed an opportunity to unify the country. They are doing exactly that here. And also meeting their needs of food, water, and shelter at the same time.”

Have we seen the check?

Oh, and um, Kellyanne, you dumb bitch; they felt “compelled”? That’s what presidents do, you moron, they visit areas of the country that have been devastated.

And how does a man who says Mexicans are murderers, Muslims are terrorists, says trans Americans are unfit to serve, calls Nazis good people, unify any country?

Don’t answer; you can’t, your lips are glued to the Bigot-In-Chief’s sphincter.

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Joel Osteen, the so-called “Good Christian” who didn’t open the doors of his Houston mega-church to help flood victims until after Twitter shamed him, saying God would “pay back” victims for what they lost:

“We’re not going to understand everything that happens, but having a ‘poor old me’ mentality or ‘look what I lost’ or ‘why did this happen,’ you know that’s just going to pull you down. God won’t allow it unless he has a purpose for it. We may not see it at the time, but that’s what faith is all about. The reason it may seem like God is not waking up is not because he’s ignoring you, not because he’s uninterested, it’s because he knows you can handle it. Take it as a compliment.”

Sounds like Joel is making an excuse for why he ignored the flood victims and sat in his mansion while they suffered.

Ass.

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Colton Haynes, openly gay actor, on Hollywood  discriminating against openly gay actors:

“Hollywood is so fucked up. So much of the focus is on your personal life & has nothing to do with the talent you have to bring to the table…Thank god for Ryan Murphy, Greg Berlanti, & Jeff Davis. They believe gay actors are more than just their personal lives…So disappointed in how Hollywood can’t understand that playing a character has nothing to do with how u live your personal life.”

It’s funny, because they don’t ask straight actors about their sex lives, and yet they bestow award after award on any straight actor who plays gay, like it’s some amazing feat to play a human being of a differing sexual orientation.

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John McCain, all out of f**ks, on _____:

“We can fight like hell for our ideas to prevail. But we have to respect each other or at least respect the fact that we need each other. That has never been truer than today, when Congress must govern with a president who has no experience of public office, is often poorly informed and can be impulsive in his speech and conduct. We must respect his authority and constitutional responsibilities. We must, where we can, cooperate with him. But we are not his subordinates. We don’t answer to him. We answer to the American people. We must be diligent in discharging our responsibility to serve as a check on his power. And we should value our identity as members of Congress more than our partisan affiliation.”

Too bad he wasn’t this strongly anti-_____ when the buffoon was running for office, but, still, it’s nice to see a Republican stand up against the Bigot-In-Chief.

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Random Musings

Carlos teaches a class after work on Thursdays, so I usually get home from work myself, make a little dinner, peruse the interwebz, and then go pick him up around 8PM.

Last Thursday was no different except ... as I got into my car, I did my usual routine, I clicked the garage door opener, I turned on the car, I fastened my seatbelt and turned on some tunes; and then I did something different; I got my cell phone from the center console to call Carlos and tell him I was on my way.

Then I back out ... and the automatic garage door opener either decided to only open the door part of the way or it decided to open the door all of the way and then lower it as I was backing out.

Crash.Shatter. Luckily, it was just the rear window and no damage to the car or the door. And luckily we have very good insurance which covered the replacement window for no charge, and it was replaced at home while we were at work on Tuesday.

And an upside? Well, apparently there’s a glitch in the Saturn VUE wherein the cargo door will not open using the keyless device. And, get this, there is no way to open the cargo door without the keyless device. There is no hatch button inside the car; there is no button on the inside of the cargo door; and there is no lock in the door in which to insert a key. We have researched how to fix this issue and it’s quite complicated except ...

For some reason when the window in the cargo door was replaced now the door opens again with the keyless device.

At least for now ... so I’m still calling it a win-win.

In New Hampshire, it’s perfectly legal for a man to marry a 13-year-old girl and now, thanks to the state’s GOP for voting down a bill to raise the marriage age, it’ll stay that way.

The current legal marriage age allows 13-year-old girls and 14-year-old boys to marry as long as they have consent from their parents and a judge signs off on it but still, why would lawmakers wish to keep that on the books?

They want to help soldiers. What the what?

The GOP argued that the age increase would block young soldiers from getting married and providing military benefits to their partners or children. Others said the change could lead to more single-parent households.

Hey GOP? If you wanna help soldiers, howsabout helping them not to go to war, or, failing that, helping them when they come back home, wounded and battle scarred, to assimilate back into public life? Howsabout fixing the VA?

Asshats; the lot of them.

You just can’t make-out anywhere these days.

Timothy and Noah were “passionately making out” near an apartment complex dumpster when they were interrupted by the complex’s assistant manager. So, the two men, startled out of their ardor, punched her in the head before she could escape to her car. One of the men banged on the windows and threatened to kill her.

The two men were arrested, of course, and told police officers they were high on pot and mushrooms.

Poor Timothy and Noah Batz ... same last name? A married couple?

Nope, they’re brothers. And now I need a Silkwood scrubdown.

Last Friday it was a glorious 85 degrees in Smallville. The azaleas were blooming, the trees were leafing out, the daffodils were pushing up from the earth.

Sunday it was 25 and it snowed. Not a lot, i know, but still ...

Good thing there’s no such thing as Climate Change, eh, GOP?

Newly out and proud It Boy, Colton Haynes is now newly out and proud engaged to be married, to his boyfriend, florist to the stars, Jeff Leatham.

Leatham popped the question while the two men were in Los Cabos, Mexico, and had a little help from ... Cher! Leatham began the romantic moment with a video from Cher singing their favorite song after she said to the happy couple:

“So, I got you babe! Alright, this is for you, you know what it is, you know what you’re supposed to do now and this is gonna be the best thing ever and you have to call me to tell me how it worked out, alright!”

That video was followed by video messages from their family members and close friends, and after Colton said “Yes!” there were fireworks set to Bruno Mars’ ‘Marry You’ as the couple danced.

This was my proposal: Carlos looked at me and said, “We oughta get married, you wanna?” And I said, “I guess so, what’s on TV?"

Or something like that.  I kid, but congratulations to the happy couple!

So, suddenly he’s everywhere and I don’t know who he is ... Jai Courtney, top. He’s an Aussie actor best known for action films, sci-fi and looking like a brick sh*thouse. I’m intrigued.

I’m also intrigued by Trevante Rhodes, bottom, one of the stars of Moonlight and a star of a new Calvin Klein underwear ad.

I’m just plain intrigued ... and a little hot’n’bothered.

Take note of the above map ... if your state has a red X in it, then there will be major local, state or federal elections this year, and this is where the Resistance comes together.

You know what to do ... send _____ a message that his election was a mistake and We The People are no longer playing.

Check out vote411.org and vote, dammit.

The other morning, Minister of Propaganda Kellyanne Conway was on GMA and was asked this question:

“Do you believe Obama wiretapped _____ Tower?”

And she responded like this:

“There are all kinds of ways to surveil people.”

I shrieked—it was early in the morning so, yeah, I shrieked—at the TV:

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!!”

Later on that morning, I asked Carlos:

“Do you want to ...”

blibbety-blah-blay-blue I have forgotten what I asked him, but I remember his reply:

“We could.”

I said:

“What kind of answer is that to a Yes or No question?”

“I’m just saying, we could ...”

I realized I’m married to a Kellyanne Clone.

I’m having her deprogrammed as we speak.

So, that movie theater in Alabama that won’t show Beauty and the Beast because of The Gay is not alone; now the entire country of Malaysia, through their film censorship board, announced that they would like Disney to cut the “gay” scene because in Malaysia scenes promoting homosexuality are forbidden.

Disney said, “No.”

Good on the Mouse.

Joe Barton, a Republican ... because of course ... from Texas ... because of course ... was holding a Town Hall in his district recently when one of his constituents asked if Barton would work with Rep. Jackie Speier, a Democrat, to sponsor legislation combating violence against women; Barton is a Republican who voted against the Violence Against Women Act. The constituent said:

“Given your voting record opposing legislation protecting women from violence, will you make a commitment to us today, make a promise that you will reach out to Congresswoman Jackie Speier and work with her to see this bill successfully through Congress?”

Barton said he voted ‘No’ because he believes violence against women is a “state issue, not a federal issue” and that was met with a chorus of boos.

A man in the crowd stood up and shouted:

“Violence against women, that’s a national issue! That’s an issue that impacts everyone everywhere, not only in this country, but everywhere!”

And Barton, pointing his finger at that man, yelled:

“You, sir, shut up.”

That did not make his audience happy:

“You don’t tell anybody to shut up! You work for us!”

Not for much longer, I hope.

I Didn't Say It ....

Joe Biden, on [t]Rump]s character or there caricature that is t]Rump:

“If you ever talked about people like he does, I’m not joking, I really genuinely mean this..if you ever sat there and talked about how cool it was that John down the street ‘got fired’… You ought to come from a household where some people were fired, where the plant closed down, where all of the sudden they are staring at the ceiling and wondering how in God’s name am I going to make it. I’m being deadly earnest here, this parts not the campaign speech, man. This is about the character of the person we’re talking about electing as the president of the United States.”

Thanks Joe. Once again you make everything so clear. It’s character, something Donald [t]Rump with all his “millions” will never have.

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Colin Kaepernick, 49ers quarterback, on his practice socks, which compare police officers to pigs, though he carefully makes the distinction between police officers who unjustly kill citizens, and honorable police officers who serve their communities:

“I wore these socks, in the past, because the rogue cops that are allowed to hold positions in police departments, not only put the community in danger, but also put the cops that have the right intentions in danger by creating an environment of tension and mistrust. I have two uncles and friends who are police officers and work to protect and serve ALL people. So before these socks, which were worn before I took my public stance, are used to distract from the real issues, I wanted to address this immediately.”

We need to be aware that, in every position in life, there are good ones and bad ones, and we need to be able to call out the bad ones without people assuming we mean "all" of them.

Kaeprnick is in no way saying all cops; he 's saying some cops.

That's the distinction.

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Eric [t]Rump, finally spilling the tea as to why his Daddy is running for President:

“He opens up the paper each morning and sees our nation’s leaders giving a hundred billion dollars to Iran, or he opens the paper and some new school district has just eliminated the ability for its students to say the pledge of allegiance, or some fire department in some town is ordered by the mayor to no longer fly the American flag on the back of a fire truck. Or he sees the tree on the White House lawn has been renamed ‘holiday tree’ instead of ‘Christmas tree.’ I could go on and on for hours. Those are the very things that made my father run, and those are the very things he cares about.”

Funny, then, that after all this time, Daddy [t]Rump has never mentioned one of these things.

Desperation doesn’t look good on you, Eric, but then, nothing does.

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Colton Haynes, newly out actor, on his Human Rights Campaign Visibility Award:

“I never made a decision to be gay. That came just as naturally as the color of my eyes. But … it’s up to me to be honest and open with everyone. And that’s why I’m here tonight, and why it’s so special for me. I’m asked to play so many roles as an actor. But tonight I can actually be myself for the first time. … I don’t necessarily feel especially deserving of this recognition. We all know there are many other people who have come before me and blazed the trail as LGBT advocates and as role models. And I’m walking in their shoes and I’m following their lead. Instead I’ll accept this award as a promise. And this promise is simple and real. And I’m not making it to you. I’m making it to the next generations of lesbians and gay men, bisexuals, and transgender youth, and I hope my example will give them the confidence and hope to be who they are as well. And for them to conquer their own fears and hesitations. I want to give them just a little more courage to know that they’re loved just as they are.”

That’s all any of us can do by coming out is to light the way and provide a path for those who come after.

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Rob Reiner, director, on [t]Rump and his visit to Mexico:

“Clearly we are not sending our best to Mexico. We’re sending liars. We’re sending narcissists. We’re sending sociopaths.”

Luckily the people of Mexico didn’t fall for his tricks; now, if only America would get that memo.

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