I Didn't Say It ...

Dan Patrick, Texas Republican Rightwingnut Lt. Governor, offering a reason for the shooting in Texas:

“We may have to look at the design of our schools moving forward and retrofitting schools that are already built. There are too many entrances and too many exits. There are not enough people to put a guard in every entrance or exit …. maybe we need to look at limiting the entrances and exits into our schools so that we can have law enforcement looking at the people who are coming.”

So, it’s never guns. It’s doors. It’s trench coats. It’s abortions.

No, it’s Texas, and it’s asshats.

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Fred Guttenberg, father of Parkland victim Jaimee Guttenberg, on Patrick’s asshattery:

“I think those are the most idiotic comments I’ve ever heard regarding gun safety. Let me be clear, he should be removed from office for his failure to what to protect the citizens of Texas. To hear him continue to make the argument—after 10 people died in his state—that guns are not the issue is simply a crock.”

Hopefully more and more Americans are not buying what the GOP, the NRA-owned GOP, is spewing.

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Martin a gay man who didn’t come out until he was 85, on it being his greatest regret:

“It’s tough to be an outsider. I regret being such a sissy. So nervous. So bloody shy. I left it till I was actually 85 years old to really basically come out. I’ve missed the boat as regards to finding a lovely partner, a soulmate that I could love, live with. If you ask me if you want to set up with another young guy, go ahead, do it. You’ve got it. You owe it to yourself. And to him.”

Welcome Out, Martin. And, naturally, you’ll accept our Coming Out Toaster Oven and copy of The Gay Agenda.

See, it doesn’t matter so much when you come out, it matters that you come out.

And you, sir, have helped a great many people by doing so. Thank you.

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Donald Glover, on the rumor that his Star Wars character, the young Lando Calrissian, was sexually fluid:

“How can you not be pansexual in space? There’s so many things to have sex with. I’m serious. I didn’t think that was weird. Yeah, he’s coming on to everybody…It just didn’t seem that weird to me. It’s kind of like, the doors open. It’s like, no, only guys or girls. No, it’s anything. This thing is literally a blob. Are you a man or a woman? Like, who cares? Have a good time out here.”

And now you know!

PS He’s hot.

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Oliver North, traitorous arms dealer, blaming school shootings on Ritalin and video games:

“If school shield had been in place in Santa Fe High School, far less likely that would have happened. The problem we’ve got is we’re trying like the dickens to fight the symptom without treating the disease. The disease in this case isn’t the 2nd amendment, the disease is youngsters who are steeped in a culture of violence, they’ve been drugged in many cases. Nearly of these perpetrators are male and they’re young teenagers in most cases. They’ve come through a culture where violence is commonplace. All we need to do is turn on the TV. Go to a movie. Many of these young boys have been on Ritalin since they were in kindergarten. Now I’m certainly not a doctor, I’m a Marine. But I can see those kinds of things happening.” 

He’s not a doctor, but he knows that Ritalin is the cause. But, um, Ollie? Traitor? Criminal? What about young girls on Ritalin? Why are they shootin’ up the schools?

Oh yeah, you’re a lying, pandering, NRA check cashing asshat.

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Art Acevedo, Houston Police Chief, blaming elected officials for inaction on the state and federal level in response to repeated shootings at schools:

"Let me tell you, people at the state level and the federal level in too many places in our country are not doing anything other than offering prayers. We need to start using the ballot box and ballot initiatives to take the matters out of the hands of people that are doing nothing that are elected into the hands of the people to see that the will of the people in this country is actually carried out. I think that the American people, gun owners—the vast majority of which are pragmatic—actually support gun sense and gun reform in terms of keeping guns in the right hands, [but] if you have firearms in your home and you do not secure them and you don't secure them in a manner that can preclude someone from grabbing them and taking them and carrying out this carnage, [there] is a criminal liability that attaches. I believe that anyone that owns a firearm that doesn't secure it properly [and it] ends up in the wrong hands and used to kill innocent people, that that should carry some significant consequences. We need to think about that on the national level across this country."

Another voice of reason. Listen.

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Sarah Paulson, my favorite actress—besides Meryl—on her relationship with Holland Taylor: 

“If anyone wants to spend any time thinking I’m strange for loving the most spectacular person on the planet, then that’s their problem. I’m doing just fine.”

Word.

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Matt Bomer, My Husband in My Head, on the night during a preview of Broadway’s revival of The Boys In The Band, when the prop crew forgot to leave a towel for him during a shower scene:

“I had the choice to either do the rest of the 10-minute scene butt-naked, which would not have made any sense. Or, there’s like a glass partition, so I had to kind of coyly reach around and grab my tighty-whities and put them back on my soaking wet body, and then do the rest of the scene in wet tighty-whities.”

Okay, I’m’a just say that the crew didn’t 'forget,’ they wanted a chance for some Bomer Butt on Broadway and gave it their best shot.

I mean, it’s what I would have done.

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Arms Dealer Ollie North Calls Student Activists 'Terrorists'

Well, traitor, arms dealer, and spanking new president of the NRA wasted almost no time showing what an absolute ignorant asshatted douche he continues to be when he … wait for it, it’s the height of stupidity, seriously …  compared student-led protests against the National Rifle Association to the violent and racist attacks on the civil rights movement in the 1960s.

North called it "civil terrorism":

"This is the kind of thing that's never been seen against a civil rights organization in America. You go back to the terrible days of Jim Crow and those kinds of things—even there you didn’t have this kind of thing."

Seriously, he called the f**king NRA a civil rights organization. And he says his proof of the violence against the NRA lies in the vandalism at NRA lobbyist Chris Cox's home—Cox says his house was splashed with fake blood … twice …clearly much worse than the real blood splattered at a church in Charleston or a school in Florida or movie theater in Aurora r a concert in Las Vegas.

And yet the student-fueled #NeverAgain movement stresses the importance of civil, non-violent disobedience, but, as is the way with the NRA, the GOP, gun nuts and morons, they spin their own message and pin themselves with the “victim” tag … unlike the nearly 21,000 shootings in 2018 … the 5,208 people killed by guns in 2018 … the 9,000 Americans injured by guns.

Yet Oliver North claims the NRA is the victim. And North also accuses the gun control movement of going after "our bank accounts, our finances"—clearly up in arms that #NeverAgain activists put pressure on businesses to cut ties with the NRA, cutting the group’s power, which has resulted in several companies ending benefits programs to NRA members and other companies choosing to stop selling guns.

Um, yeah, Ollie, hitting y’all in the bank account, spurring boycotts against supporters of gun nuts, who care not a whit about the Second Amendment because their only concern is selling guns and pocketing coins in their pockets.

And, oddly enough, and Ollie fails to mention this, that student-led gun control movement, March for Our Lives, doesn’t even mention the NRA in their mission statement, but instead focus on expanding background checks for gun purchasers and other legislative reforms.

Ooh, sounds like terrorism … to Ollie “Arms Dealer” North.

Common Dreams

The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Scott Stantis, Steve Breen, Drew Sheneman, Steve Sack,RJ Matson, Clay Bennett, Dave Granlund, Ed Wexler, Marc Murphy

Tuesday Thought #3

I Didn't Say It ...

Cardinal Timothy Dolan, on Meet the Press, about the Pope's statements this week that seemed to suggest the Catholic Church might support civil unions:

“He didn't come right out and say he was for them. Once again in an extraordinarily open, sincere, nuanced way, he said 'I know that some people in some states have chosen this. We need to think about that and look in look into it and see the reasons that have driven them.' It wasn't as if he came right out and approved them. But in a sensitivity that has won the heart of the world, he said, 'Rather than quickly condemn them, let's see. Let's just ask the questions as to why that has appealed to certain people."

I actually agree with Dolan, and I threw up a little in my mouth realizing that, but Pope Franky isn’t LGBT-friendly, y’all.

He’s simply realizing the Catholic Church is waaaay out of touch and he’s dipping his Prada-covered toe into the waters to test them.

Rachel Maddow, on her documentary Why We Did It, which delves into the reasons for the war in Iraq:

"I think that there is a desire to hear the truth told. Honestly, there are two million Iraq war veterans in this country and there are four thousand families who lost somebody. And when you think about that, when you look at Wounded Warriors and the people that are carrying this for the rest of their lives...I think even the people who were part of it in some ways want to see those people hear the truth, and it has never been explained."

And I wonder if it ever will.

Oliver North, gasbag criminal, speaking at CPAC:

"Some say that we must ignore social issues, like the definition of marriage and the sanctity of life, religious freedoms. I say those are not social issues. They are deeply moral and spiritual issues and they should be a part of America's elections. In the 1850's, a political party was born on the idea of a great moral issue - human bondage, the abolition of slavery in America. If we as conservatives cease to be a place where people of faith and those who believe in strong moral values can come, we will cease to be a political force in America.”

There’s so much to think and say about the disgrace known as Oliver North, but all I can see is that he says “deeply moral and spiritual issues … should be part of America’s elections.”

No, religion should not play a part in elections.

Separation of Church and State. We are a country of man-made laws not God’s laws. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have a Constitution and a Bill of Rights; we’d just have a Bible.

Paul Ryan, asshat, liar, failed Vice Presidential candidate, and droopy, dog-eyed dick, telling more stories that aren’t true:

"The left is making a big mistake here. What they’re offering people is a full stomach and an empty soul. The American people want more than that. This reminds me of a story I heard from Eloise Anderson. She serves in the cabinet of my buddy, Governor Scott Walker. She once met a young boy from a very poor family, and every day at school, he would get a free lunch from a government program. He told Eloise he didn’t want a free lunch. He wanted his own lunch, one in a brown-paper bag just like the other kids. He wanted one, he said, because he knew a kid with a brown-paper bag had someone who cared for him. This is what the left does not understand."

He says he got the story from Eloise Anderson, the secretary for children and families for the state of Wisconsin.

And then he says, of course, after he told his fable at CPAC, that he'd just learned that Secretary Anderson misspoke, and that "the story she told was improperly sourced."

First off, one cannot misspeak an entire story. You can misspeak about certain facts as part of a story, but when the whole story is blatantly, provably wrong, then what you’ve just done is lied, Paul.

You’re a liar, Paul Ryan, plain and simple.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan, again, on Meet the Press, when asked if civil unions make him personally uncomfortable:

"The civil unions? It would. It would in a way, David, because I don't think, um, marriage between one man and one woman forever, leading to life and love. That's not something that is just a sacramental religious concern. You bet it is that. And that's how God is elevated into making a sacrament. But it's also the building block of society and culture. So it belongs to culture. And if we water down that sacred meaning of marriage in any way I worry that not only the church would suffer, I worry that culture and society would."

It’s funny that Dolan doesn’t see how marriage has changed even over the last century.

Just a few short decades ago, it would have been unthinkable for a Catholic to marry a non-Catholic; a Jew to marry and non-Jew; and even closer to home, it was just in the 1960s that interracial marriages became legal.

Marriage has changed Dolan, and society has not crumbled.

Put away the hate.

Ralph Reed, former Christian Coalition leader, speaking at on the GOP’s ill-fated and long-running federal marriage amendment:

"Even if you passed a federal marriage amendment, I would assume it would grandfather in anyone who's been married, so I don't know. It was always a very difficult option. I don't think we ever got 50 votes in the U.S. Senate for that amendment. So, we always knew that the amendment was going to be very difficult to pass."

Too bad that many in the GOP still don’t get that and still come out against same-sex marriage.

They need to goose-step faster if they wanna keep up with the changing times.

Tilda Swinton, on The Gays and the closet:

"Well, I think there’s something that gay people have. It is true that to pass through the transitions that gay people have to in order to come out to themselves, to their families when they’re quite young, it’s a grow-bag, isn’t it? And I think that very often, heterosexual people miss out on that. There’s a feeling of development and sometimes, heterosexual people have never had to go through that self-examination and just knowing themselves, and that sense of coming out, coming to your own defense, and being your own best advocate, and going, “No! I’m going to stand by myself and say this is who I am and you can all fuck off.” That is a wonderful transition to go through, and I suppose a lot of straight people miss out on that, and then maybe their relationship choices are potentially less examined. They could be lazier or less thoroughly thought-through."

I love that because I believe we all have “closets” we need to come out of and there not just gay closets, but they’re closets of fear and shame and self-loathing about something.

And whenever someone comes out of that closet, it’s a great thing.

Kevin Swanson, Colorado “pastor”, AKA Pastor Jazz Hands, believing that Disney’s newest animated film Frozen is an attempt to convert children to being gay:

“Man, how many children are taken into these things and how many Christians are taking their kids off to see the movie Frozen, produced by an organization that is probably one of the most pro-homosexual organizations in the country? You wonder sometimes, I’m not a tinfoil hat conspiratorialist, but you wonder sometimes if maybe there’s something very evil happening here. If I was the Devil, what would I do to really foul up an entire social system and do something really, really, really evil to 5- and 6- and 7-year-olds in Christian families around America?”

Gosh, the most sane thing he said in that whole paragraph is ‘, I’m not a tinfoil hat conspiratorialist’.

And if that’s the most sane thing he said, well …..

The Monday Asshat: Ollie North

"Barack Obama now intends to treat [our soldiers] like lab rats in a radical social experiment, and it can be very, very detrimental. In other words, this isn’t about rights. This isn’t about fairness. It’s all about national security. And apparently, Mr. Obama has forgotten it. Now, here’s what’s next. NAMBLA members, same-sex marriages. Are chaplains in the U.S. military going to be required to perform those kinds of rituals? Do they get government housing?"

Ollie North on FoxNews.

Yes, Ollie, if you allow gay soldiers to serve openly, you will have to allow pedophiles to serve openly. And of course, that means pedophilia will no longer be a crime. And if you have gay soldiers, you'll be forced to make military chaplains marry them, except marriage equality is not the law of the land. YET.

Stop pandering to the lowest common denominator, Ollie; stop using fear as a weapon. Speak just to the truth, if that's even something you know how to do.