The Funny Papers

Kevin Kallaugher, Lalo Alcaraz, Clay Bennett, Jack Ohman, Gary Huck, Ann Telnaes, Winters Art, JD Crowe, Pedro X Molina, David Cohen, Bruce MacKinnon,

Bobservations

Last week, I told the Tale of Carlos and his utter lack of pop culture in not knowing one single Janet Jackson song. This week, out shopping as  we’re walking through a department store, music is playing, and he says to me:

“Oh this is Michael’s sister, Janet.”

“No, sweetie, this is Whitney Houston.”

At the next stop, he heard the music playing and said:

“Ah, Janet.”

“It’s Rihanna.”

“Beyonce?”

“Rihanna.”

“Is she Michael’s sister?”

I thought it was going to be a long weekend until I saw the smirk on his face and knew he was messing with me.

You gotta be a special kind of stupid to rally behind a man who claims to be rich but makes you foot the bill to run  this country while he pays not one dime.

It’s become increasingly clear that Democrats are sexier than Republicans. I mean, has anyone ever heard anyone say, “Man, that’s a fine piece of elephant?”

The other day I received a notice from Twitter for my post about the spat between Large Marge and Bobo:

“We put a warning message on these Tweets because they might have sensitive content—like nudity, sexual content, violence, gore, or hateful symbols. We know we don’t always get it right. So if you think we flagged your Tweet by mistake, you can appeal the warning by clicking on each Tweet. Keep in mind, this doesn’t guarantee it’ll be removed.”

This is the Tweet:

“I want a cage match in Congress

#LargeMarge And #Bobo Taking Their Infighting Public https://t.co/ypjjHWyAXt”

I challenged the blocking of the Tweet asking if it was the “nudity, sexual content, violence, gore, or hateful symbols” that caused the removal since there wasn’t any.

Sidenote: every single time Junior Tweets one of his homemade videos, I reply with:

“Do another line, and then fuck off, Junior.”

And that has never been flagged. The lesson is: tell Junior to fuck off and you’re golden, suggest two morons in the GOP take their high school mean girl spat to a cage match and that is just too much.

PS Twitter put the Tweet back up.

I was told the office Christmas party was fun, and that I had a really good time, but it all still seems a blur.

Speaking of GOP infighting, Ronna McDaniel, chair of the Republican National Committee, has some explaining to do about money spent last year while she was in charge: more than $500,000 in private jet expenses, $64,000 for clothes; $321,000 in floral arrangements; $400,000 for event tickets, including $30,000 for a private box at a Raiders game; $13,000 for Broadway shows, $9,400 at Madison Square Garden, and $43,000 at Top Golf. In addition, under McDaniel’s, the RNC spent $150,000 on non-essential office expenses, like $25,000 on Commonwealth Joe coffee, $7,000 on cupcakes, $7,000 on candles and diffusers, and $75,000 at Pottery Barn, West Elm, Restoration Hardware, and Crate & Barrel.

Hey Ronna, how does this help the party, or is this just making life richer for you?

I wrote a letter to Santa to see if I had been Naughty or Nice this year, and he wrote back saying I was more Mentally Disturbed. 

But at least it’s not Naughty and he promised he was bringing me a big package.

Believe it or not, but supermodel Tyson Beckford has just turned fifty-two years old. Now, 52 today ain’t your Daddy’s 52, but, c’mon, this is hot, which begs the question: Would You hit It?

Vote. Vote Blue. Here's Another Slew Of Reasons Why

Happy Halloween! And I'm here to offer the biggest frights of them all: the Midterms. We are just a week away from the election, and I will remind you again of what horrors the GOP will do if we allow them to take power …

Rick Scott, Florida Senator, and Medicare fraudster, claims … wait for it … that Democrats “cut Medicare” by allowing the agency to negotiate for lower drug prices, while Scott proposes allowing Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid to sunset every five years, requiring Congress to reauthorize them; or not if the GOP is in power.

That’s right; if the GOP gets in power again Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid will disappear.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Henry McMaster McDisaster, South Carolina Republican Governor, is running for a second term and wants to end same-sex marriage in the state if SCOTUS chooses to overturn its 2015 ruling that found a constitutional right for same-sex couples to marry:

“Well, gay marriage is, is, it is in our Constitution, it is not allowed under state law. It is not allowed. I would follow state law whatever the state law is, but I’m, maybe I’m old fashioned, but I think in marriage ought to be between a man and a woman. Just like I think that boys ought to play in boys’ sports and girls ought to play in girls’ sports.”

McDisaster wants to end equality for LGBTQ+ citizens, and it won’t end with marriage; he, and his GOP masters, will overturn every single equality law in this state.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Doug  Mastriano, a Pennsylvania GOP state senator running for governor, has centered his campaign to an extraordinary degree on Jhis Democratic opponent, Attorney General Josh Shapiro's Jewish faith.

Mastriano, who promotes Christian power and disdains the separation of church and state, has repeatedly attacked Shapiro for attending and sending his children to what Mastriano calls a “privileged, exclusive, elite” school. It is a Jewish day school, where students are given both secular and religious instruction, but Mastriano’s language portrays it as an elitist … read: woke, liberal … school. And now Mastriano’s wife, Eva Braun, er, Rebecca, says:

“I’m just going to say, as a family, we so much love Israel. In fact, I’m going to say we probably love Israel more than a lot of Jews do … And the reason why I say that is because I’ve given and we’ve given for, I would say, at least ten years to outreach to Israel and Jerusalem. We have, I have visited Israel, we saved for five years. We’re just an average family. We’re not wealthy, wealthy people.”

Am I the only one who thinks that sounds anti-Semitic? She loves Israel more than Jews?

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Don Bolduc, GOP New Hampshire Senate nominee, has once again trotted out the ludicrous lie that kids are dressing as furries in schools:

"We have furries and fuzzies in classrooms. They lick themselves … When they don’t like something, they hiss … And get this, get this. They’re putting litter boxes, right? … [They] let children lick themselves and then touch everything. And they’re starting to lick each other.”

Every school district in New Hampshire has denounced this lie, and there is not one single photo of a furry, photo of a furry using a litter box in a school bathroom, or even photos on litter boxes at all; this is fearmongering at its most ignorant.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Ron DeSantis, Florida Governor, and Fascist, and his administration have steered millions of dollars in state business to two outside law firms with ties to him, including his old employer, according to records reviewed by The Daily Beast.

Republican election law powerhouse Holtzman Vogel PLLC has received more than $4 million in contracts over the last year, mostly tied to voting rights cases, and yet in years before DeSantis took office there were no contracts listed in the Florida Accountability Contract Tracking System for Holtzman Vogel.

Holland & Knight had only $2,750 in contracts with the state of Florida, but in 2018, the firm developed “a new revenue stream” to defend “state agencies and DeSantis in lawsuits, sometimes involving controversial legislation” and have been given nearly $3 million between 2018 and 2020.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Ron Johnson, tinfoil hat wearing QAnon lapdog and Wisconsin Senator, recommends early voting only if you have a Republican county clerk running the elections, casting doubt on Milwaukee County’s Democratic clerk.

Johnson failed to mention his involvement with the plot to deliver a fake list of electors to then-Vice President Mike Pence on January 6, 2021.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Tudor Dixon, Michigan gubernatorial nominee, says Democrats have been plotting to overthrow this country for decades because they lost the Civil War and they want they slaves back.

“Do you think that the Democrats are over losing to the north? Democrat leaders, meanwhile, they sat back in their designer suits, eating their fillet with their nice béarnaise sauce while they watched the country rip itself apart because they were getting it all back, the slaves again. This time they’d be people of all colors—poor and broken—looking to them and begging for help. And they will gladly own you. Next they’ll take your guns, your speech and your God.”

Amazing that this is her platform and no one in the GOP has spoken out against it. But what do you expect from a party that pouts up a Baby Killer in Georgia.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Ronna McDaniel, GOP National Committee Chairwoman, mocked the speaking abilities of Lt. Gov. John Fetterman, the Pennsylvania Democratic Senate candidate who is recovering from a stroke, and President Biden, who grew up with a stutter.

“I think all the candidates got together and said, ‘Which one of us has to campaign with Biden?’ [Fetterman] drew the short straw. So Biden said, ‘Between the two of us, we may be able to finish a full sentence.’”

That’s the GOP, making fun of people’s speech issues. Imagine her saying that to a child who stutters, or an older American who suffered a stroke.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Paul Gosar,  the right-wing white supremacist and Arizona GOP Representative, who is loathed by his own siblings for his reprehensible actions, is seen on video expressing his approval for two people pretending to be migrant hunters who told him they shoot migrants who cross over to their family farm in Yuma:

“Say a prayer because this country needs you. There’s a bunch of people that are ready to go into action.”

Gosar approves of murdering immigrants.

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!

Wake up, people, and tell all your friends, and your co-workers and neighbors who have yet to vote that the GOP will end choice for women, end contraception for women’ they will end Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security for all of us; end same sex marriage; end LGBTQ+ equality; they will put in office people who believe in furries, who believe Democrats want to go back to slavery, who are anti-Semitic, who believe in murdering migrants; who laugh at disability and health conditions; who get into office and then begin awarding huge sums of money to former employers; who think only the GOP should handle elections.

If you don’t vote, that’s what America will look like and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. We blew it in 2016 when we thought Hillary might win and so we stayed home cuz we didn’t much care for her and look what happened. But in 2020 we came out strong and send Thing 45 scurrying to Mar-a-Lago and took the House and Senate. We need to keep that momentum going, we need to make sure America doesn’t become a cesspool of fascists and dictators and racists in power,

CAST A GODDAMNED BLUE VOTE!!

This Bitch: Ronna McDaniel

Ronna McDaniel, the chair of the Republican National Committee called out the New York Times last week after the newspaper quoted her accurately:

“This story from the New York Times is completely false. It’s not journalism, it’s the worst type of baseless political propaganda.”

Yes, they quoted what she said, and she wants a retraction.

The story in question is about the RNC’s censure of Representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, over their presence on the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot. The censure resolution issued by the RNC accused the two of:

“[P]articipating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse.”

In fact. That’s the very language Ronna McDaniel This Bitch herself used in a statement; here are her exact words:

“Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger crossed a line. They chose to join Nancy Pelosi in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens who engaged in legitimate political discourse that had nothing to do with violence at the Capitol.”

Any fool who believes that busting into a federal building through broken windows and busted doors, trashing and stealing private property, defecating on walls, crying out to “Hang Mike Pence” and screaming for Nancy Pelosi’s blood is “legitimate political discourse” does not understand the meaning of the words she said, and then demanded that the New York Times  retract.

PS On the heels of this asshatted move by McDaniel, the GOP celebrated Black History Month by touting the “record number of Black Republicans running for office and winning at all levels” both “local and federal office.” The number of Black Republicans running? Forty.

That’s less than one candidate per state. In fact, the numbers show that there are over 500,000 local and federal elected positions in the US, with 537 being President, Vice President, and all members of Congress, another 7,000 state legislators nationwide, 50 governors and over 493,000 local elected officials.

Touting forty of those as Black Republicans means that the GOP is fine with .008% of all elected positions being held by Black people.

This Bitch and That Party.

Vote Blue.

I Didn't Say It

Trevor Noah, on the Kenosha Murder:

“Nobody drives into a city with guns because they love someone else’s business. That’s some bullshit. No one has ever thought, ‘Oh, it’s my solemn duty to pick up a rifle and protect that TJ Maxx.’ They’re doing it because they’re hoping to shoot someone.”

That kid wanted to shoot people, not help people, and he got his wish.

Now, could I get my wish and see his privileged whiny bitch ass locked up for years?

Asking for a country sick of white people murdering people of color and getting off scot-free.

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Tucker Carlson, Fox News liar, proving again he is a racist by questioning whether Vice President Kamala Harris is really “from” the United States because she went to high school in Canada:

“The one thing we know for sure about Kamala Harris is we should all be very, very grateful to have her because she’s historic for reasons that no one ever explains. But there’s a lot we don’t know about Kamala Harris. Most people probably don’t know she really grew up in Canada, where she went to high school. She’s not from this country in that sense, or she’s certainly also from Canada. Why haven’t we heard that?”

So, if you’re born in this country but go to high school in Canada you are not from America. Well, I forgot one thing, if you’re person of color born in this country but go to high school in Canada you are not from America.

Racist; fuck off.

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Gene Simmons, KISS, on anti-vaxxers:

“If you’re willing to walk among us unvaccinated, you are an enemy. I don’t care about your political beliefs. You are not allowed to infect anybody just because you think you’ve got rights that are delusional, of course. You don’t have the right to go through a red light—actually, the government has the right to tell you to stop. You have to put on a seatbelt. If they tell you [that] you can’t smoke in a building, you can’t smoke in a building. And that’s not because they want to take away your rights, it’s because the rest of us hate it! We don’t want to smell your smoke. I don’t want to catch your disease. I don’t want to risk my life just because you want to go through a red light. This whole idea—this delusional, evil idea that you get to do whatever you want and the rest of the world be damned—is really terrible. We’ve gotta identify those people and bring them out into the open so you know who they are. Know who your friends are by how much they care about you. That includes COVID.”

The first two lines say everything. And I agree, though I would add that anyone who doesn’t get vaccinated and gets COVID and dies, kinda deserve it.

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Chris Christie, former New Jersey Governor, Thing 45 supporter, and flip-flopping hack, saying the insurrection was a result of Thing 45’s lies about the 2020 election:

“I think everything that he was saying from election night forward incited people to that level of anger. I think people minimize what happened on the 6th by pointing to the speech that he gave on the Ellipse on the 6^th. I don’t think [the racist traitors] would’ve gone there if they thought the election had been fair.”

And yet this flip-flopping mass of ignorance says he will vote for Thing 45 if he runs in 2024.

Please join Tucker in the Fuck Off Pile.

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Rupert Murdoch, Fox News boss, saying Thig 45 should stop focusing “on the past” and pushing The Big Lie:

“The current American political debate is profound, whether about education or welfare or economic opportunity. It is crucial that conservatives play an active, forceful role in that debate, but that will not happen if [Thing 45] stays focused on the past. The past is the past, and the country is now in a contest to define the future.”

Hey Ru? Why dontcha talk to your hellhounds on your own station that are also continuing to push The Big Lie. Oh, yeah, they line your pockets with coins so they can say what they want.

There’s space for you between Fucker and Krispy in the Fuck Off Pile.

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Ronna Romney McDaniel, Republican National Committee [RNC] Chairperson, apologizing to RNC members over a new LGBTQ+ outreach program:

“We would never, ever organize or communicate with organizations that undermine our values. You have my word on that. The goal of this new outreach is simply to get more voters to vote Republican in 2022. That’s it. We need to stay united. The mainstream press, Democrats, and organizations that are opposed to the RNC want nothing more than to divide and weaken us. We are thankful for every legal vote and welcome Americans from all backgrounds, communities, and organizations who understand the wisdom in voting for Republicans and the foundational principles that strengthen our nation.”

Ronna Romney McDaniel then issued an email apology to the RNC’s 168 members, assuring them that the GOP has no plans to actually support LGBTQ+ equality and that the initiative was merely a ploy to get LGBTQ voters to vote for Republicans anyway.

In other words, she blatantly lied, and admits to being a liar, because she’s a C U Next Tuesday and a Republican and that’s what they do.

Ronna? Dear? Go sit with the wingnuts. in the Fuck Off Pile. There's room on Christie's lap for a bigot.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Stephen Colbert, on Attorney General Jeff Sessions using the Bible to justify separating immigrant kids from their parents:

“Now if that sounds evil, then good news, your ears are working. The United States? That’s you and me who are putting up with our government saying, ‘If you come to the United States, the worst thing imaginable will happen to you. We will take your children away from you, with no guarantee you’ll see them again.’ That is using cruelty as a deterrent. That’s not my interpretation. That is our stated intention. And the way they’re doing it is horrific. Public defenders in the area are telling parents they’re taking their children away for baths to never return with them. Clearly, no decent human being could defend that, so Jeff Sessions did. Don’t bring God into this. First of all, I don’t think God picked you, because I don’t worship Vladimir Putin. And, the only thing in the Bible close to this is a king threatening to cut a baby in two, and he was joking. I will give Sessions this: That is what Romans 13:1 says: You’ve got to have laws. But if he had just read a little bit further, into Romans 13:10, it says: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.’ But I’m not surprised Sessions didn’t read the whole thing. After all, Jesus said, ‘Suffer the children to come unto me,’ but I’m pretty sure all Sessions saw was the words ‘children’ and ‘suffer’ and said, ‘I’m on it!' … So, for Father’s Day, call your elected representatives and demand they do something. Because I sincerely believe that it doesn’t matter who you voted for. If we let this happen in our name, we are a feckless… country.”

We are America and we, yes, we, are taking children from their parents and basically putting them into camps.

Camps; not Summer camps, but internment camps.

That’s America under _____ and Sessions.

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Laura Bush, former First Lady of the United States, on the incarceration of brown children at the border:

“I was among the millions of Americans who watched images of children who have been torn from their parents. In the six weeks between April 19 and May 31, the Department of Homeland Security has sent nearly 2,000 children to mass detention centers or foster care. More than 100 of these children are younger than 4 years old. The reason for these separations is a zero-tolerance policy for their parents, who are accused of illegally crossing our borders.

I live in a border state. I appreciate the need to enforce and protect our international boundaries, but this zero-tolerance policy is cruel. It is immoral. And it breaks my heart.

Our government should not be in the business of warehousing children in converted box stores or making plans to place them in tent cities in the desert outside of El Paso. These images are eerily reminiscent of the Japanese American internment camps of World War II, now considered to have been one of the most shameful episodes in U.S. history.

Americans pride ourselves on being a moral nation, on being the nation that sends humanitarian relief to places devastated by natural disasters or famine or war. We pride ourselves on believing that people should be seen for the content of their character, not the color of their skin. We pride ourselves on acceptance. If we are truly that country, then it is our obligation to reunite these detained children with their parents — and to stop separating parents and children in the first place.

People on all sides agree that our immigration system isn’t working, but the injustice of zero tolerance is not the answer. I moved away from Washington almost a decade ago, but I know there are good people at all levels of government who can do better to fix this.

In 2018, can we not as a nation find a kinder, more compassionate and more moral answer to this current crisis? I, for one, believe we can.”

Word.

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Kirstjen Nielsen, Homeland Security Secretary, telling the National Sheriffs’ Association not to believe the press regarding the _____ administration’s immigrant child separation policy:

“Don’t believe the press. They are very well taken care of … We operate according to some of the highest standards in the country. We provide food, medical, education, and all needs that the child requests … .We will not apologize for the job we do or for the job law enforcement does for doing the job that the American people expect us to do. Illegal actions have and must have consequences. No more free passes, no more get-out-of-jail-free cards.”

Sad she was born to late to round up Jews. I think she might have loved that, too.

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Shepard Smith, Fox News, on that meeting between _____ and Kim Jong Un:

“[Kim] wanted the legitimacy that came with the event, the handshake with America’s president, and he wanted those military exercises with the Americans and the South Koreans that happen every year to stop. Kim Jong Un got it all for actually doing nothing.”

____ is nothing; he does nothing; he accomplishes nothing.

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Seth Meyers, on _____, Sessions and Miller’s policy of separating immigrant children from their parents:

“_____ has sympathy for [Paul Manafort] accused of conspiracy against the United States and sent to jail for alleged witness tampering but what about children fleeing violence and seeking asylum with their parents? This will shock you—_____ has much less sympathy for them. [And] if this policy strikes you as monstrous, and inhumane, and cruel, then you’re a decent person. In other words, you are not attorney general Jeff Sessions. Last week, Sessions defended the policy by citing the Bible. He cites the Bible like a guy challenging someone else’s word in Scrabble. [And] you know you’re evil when you actually want credit for a policy this cruel. Miller’s like a serial killer who leaves clues for the police … To be absolutely clear, this Is not a law. It’s a choice by the _____ administration, and they could end it right now. And yet _____ is trying to gaslight the country into thinking it’s actually the Democrats’ fault that this policy exists. He just repeats the same lie, over and over … _____‘s lies are starting to sound like the Tinder profile of a scammer trying to catfish you. This policy is monstrous and morally repugnant and it is being done in our name. Any elected official who doesn’t call for an immediate end to it is complicit, and anyone associated with it should resign in disgrace.”

Anyone who hasn’t yet stepped up to publicly denounce _____ and this inhumane act, needs to go; if not instantly through resignation, then in November by the will of the people.

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Ronna Romney McDaniel, RNC Chair, threatening people who don’t support Hair Furor:

“Complacency is our enemy. Anyone that does not embrace the _____ agenda of making America great again will be making a mistake.”

Threats. To democracy; to Free Speech; to Resistance.

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John Oliver, blasting Jeff Sessions and Sarah Huckleberry Sanders for their excuses for separating families:

“I cannot stress this enough. There is no law that suddenly required separating parents from their children. This was the result of a deliberate policy choice by Jeff Sessions, a man so small he can wear – and this is true – a raspberry as a hat. That’s a fact. A. [It is] so not a f**king law. And B. Lots of things are said in the Bible but that doesn’t mean you should do them. At one point the Bible demands that the head of government get 100 foreskins but I don’t think Sanders is looking for Congress to get together and start slicing dicks. And the _____ administration might want to go a little easy on holding the Bible up as a moral code. Because let’s remember, the Bible is not a big fan of adultery, gluttony, coveting your neighbor’s wife, pride or wrath.”

Not mention coveting your daughter and generally being the biggest douchebag on the planet.

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_____, praising dictator Kim Jong Un:

“He speaks, and his people sit up at attention. I want my people to do the same.”

Fuck.You.

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