HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Nine

Finally, the Finale! The Final Showdown.

Judges Giada De Laurentiis, Alton Brown, and The Annoying Bobby Flay™—just doin’ a riff on The Adorable Zac Posen™—have been trying to steer this ship for weeks now, and will listen as The Final Four pitch them two ideas for a show, and then whittle it down to one, and then pitch the one to Food Network bigwigs, Bob Tuschman and Susie Fogelson, where only three will actually film a pilot.

THE DOUBLE PITCH

Stacey, who has been on the Food network before, when Robert Irvine brought restaurant Impossible to her diner and basically saved it, says she wants to:

A] Visit restaurants and modernize their food, or

B] Visit people in their homes and modernize their food.

The judges suggest that she combine the two ideas, which I think means visiting people in restaurants and modernizing their food.

Russell, who has been in kind of two places with his POV—the Culinary Sinner, or the Culinary Revolutionary—wants to:

A] Visit restaurants and talk about Culinary Sins, or

B] Host a dinner party where he teaches his sins.

Bobby Flay hates Russell and sits stone-faced, or, perhaps in Flay’s case, Botox-faced, while Alton says his first idea has no teaching, and maybe he should teach his Sins to the restaurant owner.

Rodney is one-note, loud and out-of-key, about Pie Style, er, Pah Stahl, as he calls it, and he would like to:

A] Go to a restaurant and Pie Style one of their dishes, or

B] Go find a person and Pie Style their favorite food.

Flay likes the first idea, but Alton thinks he should make the show about a challenge; the restaurant dares Rodney to Pie Style. [Sidenote: Doesn’t Flay already have a show where he cooks someone’s best dish and tries to see if his is better? If so, Rodney’s show has already been done, though without the pah.

Damaris, that giddy oversexed Southerner wants to:

A] Take us on a tour of Modern Southern cooking, with a trip down History Lane, or

B] Teach guys how to cook Southern food to impress their girlfriends [Sidenote: I guess the guys with boyfriends are out.]

Alton likes the second idea but wonders how it will be Modern Southern …

THE SINGLE PITCH

Stacey: She wants to call her show Stacey’s Modern Magic—and I had no idea she was the female David Copperfield—and take dishes that have fallen into, as she said, ‘disrepair,’ and makes them Vintage Modern. Susie thought her idea, and her pitch, sounded sad, while Bob just said it sounded kinda bad.

Russell, the Culinary Sin Artist, will host Guilty Pleasures, and work with everyday foods to make them more sinful. Bob liked the idea but thought it sounded confusing, but Susie liked it.

Damaris will call he show Eat. Date. Love. and will teach a guy how to win a girl’s heart through cooking; she scored points for saying that southern food is the ‘food of love.’ Bob loves the idea, and Susie kinda likes it.

Rodney will call his show Cordon Bleu … I kid … Pie Style—he’s nothing if not consistent—and will let restaurateurs challenge him to turn their best dishes into pies. Bob thinks Rodney is fun, and Susie agrees.

Damaris and Rodney are picked first and then the choice between Russell and Stacy is by vote: Susie picks Russell, while Bob picks Stacey; Giada picks Russell while Bobby 'Horndog' Flay picks Stacey. Cutie Patootie Alton Brown gets the tie-breaker and picks … Russell.

Stacey is sent packing, and even in her tearful exit interview she comes across as phony and disconnected. I think she would have been hard to watch because she comes across as a Martha Stewart knock-off, and even Martha doesn't take herself so seriously any more.

Buh-bye

THE PILOTS
Rodney: He heads to The Foundry in LA to turn their, ALLEGEDLY, award-winning Grilled Cheese into a pie. The mentor for the pilot is Guy Fieri, a previous winner of this show and one of the most obnoxious men on the planet.

Rodney mumbles and stumbles and says Pie Style every 2 seconds. He cannot describe the food except to say, ‘Ah, man.’ 

He’s too much, too loud, too frenetic. I couldn’t watch him.

Plus, when he presented his Short Rib-Apricot-Caper Pie it looked incredibly unappetizing.

Russell: He takes us to the historical Farmer’s Market in LA and tastes ice cream, specifically, Cabernet Sauvignon Sorbet.  

He wants to Sin it up by making a Bacon-Bourbon Ice Cream. 

After a rocky, too-prepared-and-rehearsed, a la Stacey, start, Russell calms down and, well, I liked it. I actually learned how to make, and flavor ice cream and, well, there was bacon.

I liked it.

Damaris: She goes to Eatz Cooking Class where she’ll teach some nerdy guy named Josh how to cook for his girlfriend so that she’ll be happy to bang him after dinner. Damaris reverts back to not looking at the camera, and coming across as too giddy and flirty and double entendre-y.

But, she does have fun cooking. And her dish for the pilot, Peppered Pork Loin on Sweet Potato Biscuits, sounded like a winner.

MY TAKE

Rodney is too much; I got all kinds of anxious watching him.

Russell: He can make odd faces every now and again, but he won me over with the Secret Agent Briefcase filled with little jars of sin.

Damaris is no Paula Deen, thankfully, but she’s too giggly and giddy for my tastes. Plus, every week, showing a guy how to cook to impress a date seems like it would get old fast. I give her props for the title though, Eat.Date.Love.

You can go to Food Network [HERE] to vote for your favorite, until Wednesday morning. The results come in next week.

Who do YOU think deserves their own show?

HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Eight

At long last Design Star is over so let's focus on Food ... Network Star!

Okay, so we’re down to the Final Five! Final Five! which is not different from Final Six! Final Six! except there’s one less person; but, hey, it makes for good TV, I guess, so let’s rip ….

MENTOR CHALLENGE
This is all about the pantry, and using what you have in the cupboard to make a meal; of course, this being TV, everyone’s pantry features Special K® cereals and treats. My pantry doesn’t make the cut, unless you count Quaker Oats® and Mom’s Best Cereals Toasted Wheat-fuls®, but hey, let’s see what the cheftestants can do.

Damaris: She’ll be tasked with breakfast, so I first thought, ‘Bowl of cereal.’ Which is why I won’t ever be on the show. But Damaris thought Special K® Multi-grain Cereal crusted French Toast. Cutie Alton Brown tells Damaris that her downfall is that she doesn’t teach as much as talk. Her 1-minute camera presentation was good, but there wasn’t a teaching moment. Still, Alton he liked her French Toast.

Rodney: He’s got breakfast, too, and so he automatically thinks ‘pie.’ I think is you say sushi to Rodney he thinks pie; if you say pet food to Rodney he thinks pie. I get it. He thinks pie; so he’s doing a Special K® Popcorn Chip Pie with ham’n’eggs and cheese sauce. Alton tells Rodney his challenge is to impart a useful tip to the audience. Rodney’s camera challenge goes smoothly, but when Alton says, ‘What about the tip?’ Rodney replies, ‘The crusted catfish I talked about.’ Except, um, he didn’t talk about the catfish at all. Alton thought the breakfast pie was so-so.

Nikki: She’s giving us lunch, A salad with eggplant and Special K® Red Berry Cereal croutons. Alton said she lacks authority in her presentation and needs to fix that. But then, the trouble starts when she leaves her croutons in the oil and they turned in Burntons®. So Nikki scrambled, ending up with a salad with Special K® Red Berries and topped with Special K® Cereal. She ran out of time on camera and, while Alton liked her salad, he did not find her authoritative.

Russell: Given dinner, Russell makes a steak salad with potatoes crusted with Special K® Popcorn Chips. Alton reminds Russell that he always starts strong but peters out at the end. He also ran out of time, and had a habit of looking off-camera, like maybe trying to find the exit, but Alton liked his food.

Stacey: Also fixing dinner from the pantry—something she tells us she does every day so she has this ‘in the bag’—Stacey comes up with Special K® Vanilla Almond Cereal Crusted Chicken. Alton tells her she comes across as guarded and fake on-camera and Stacey tells us she’s a hugger, but her hugs look a little like shoves … Get back! Once again she’s good, giving good information, but comes across, to me, as aloof. Alton, however, liked her presentation and her food, so Stacey survived the I Got This In The Bag elimination.

STAR CHALLENGE

Filling in for Bobby Flay—thank the culinary gods—is Robert Irvine, who, apparently featured Stacey’s diner on one of his ‘Restaurant Impossible’ episodes. Stacey now feels the pressure to win again.

The challenge will be to take some old, old, menu items from Phil Traini’s restaurant in Long beach and reinvent them to save the business from going under. Stacey, as out5 Mentor Challenge winner, gets to pick the dish she wants, and to assign the others to her competitors.

Rodney: Stacey gives him Chicken Cacciatore with Pasta and Rodney thinks, yes, pie. He stuffs pie dough with chicken and tomato sauce and then … give me a minute I threw up in my mouth again … he deep fries it. He does manage to entertain the judges, along with Phil Traini and his two managers, but sadly the dish looked awful, and didn’t taste much better.

Damaris: She apparently hates steak—something we have in common—so naturally Stacey gave her Beef Tournedos with Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes. She reinvented the dish as Filet Mignon with Roasted Shiitakes and Smashed Potatoes. Her presentation is cute and funny, but lets’ face it, she made steak and potatoes.

Stacey: She gave herself the Crab Stuffed Halibut and Baked Potato, and then turned it into a Crab Cake Halibut Roulade with White Truffle Roasted Potatoes and Green Beans. The judges, and restaurant diners liked it but Phil Traini and his managers said she comes across as fake. Uh oh.

Nikki: As much as Damaris hates steak, and was given steak, Nikki hates Salmon so Stacey gave her Salmon with Onion and Pepper relish and Rice Pilaf. Nikki turned that into a Meat-on-the-Side Pan Roasted Sliver of Salmon atop a Broccoli Cake and surrounded by about two pounds of Rice. And while her food was so-so, when she was asked about her Pilaf, and whether or not it was an actual r=pilaf, she said, ahem, “rice pilaf is rice with stuff in it.’ Yeah, that’s what I expect from my Food Network stars.

Russell: He was the only one happy with what he was given: Chicken Stuffed with Feta and Spinach and Rice Pilaf. And he goes to town, creating a Spinach Wrapped Chicken poached in Onion-Vermouth Broth with Lemon Risotto. His dish, and his presentation, pleased the judges and the diners.

THE VERDICT

Damaris did nothing special, though she was fun to watch. So-so food on a plate.

Rodney was fun, but his food was a Deep Dish failure. He’s memorable and fun and, as Irvine said, nuts, but his food is inconsistent.

Nikki overloaded her plate with rice, and under-loaded her presentation with a lack of knowledge. Rice with stuff in it! I’m still giggling at that. They love her POV [Meat on the Side] but feel she lacks confidence and knowledge.

Stacey was another chef who made a good dish, but now swarms of people, not just the judges, are calling her fake. She’s called articulate and polished, but too guarded.

Russell created the winning dish and offered up a very good presentation, so naturally he gets the win and ….

Nikki, the girl with the strong POV but no real knowledge is sent packing.

MY TAKE

I thought Russell really outshone the other chefs by truly reinventing the dish. I mean, I want him to get a show and make that chicken dish so i can learn how to do it.

Stacey. Even when she says she’s a hugger you can feel her cringe at the idea.

Damaris is sweet and, well, yeah, that’s all.

Rodney. He should have gone home because while Stacey might be able to learn to be real, Rodney’s food is often really bad.

What did YOU think?

HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Seven

HGTV Star! Just Deserts

It’s the last episode of HGTV Star!, the network show where they pit one designer against other designers in a product-placed-who-can-shop-better challenge and then randomly send folks home because they picked bad sheets or a lamp looked out of place, while letting others stay because, well, they’re good TV. Just sayin’. 

Then, the winner of last night’s show will get an HGTV show of their own that will air, probably, about three times total and they’ll never be seen or heard from again because, quick, name the last winner of HGTV Star! and name their show …

:::crickets::::

My point exactly. But, enough about the farce of this show, let’s dish about the challenge: to redecorate, er, design three suites at the Rancho Las Palmas resort in Palm Springs. Now, to be fair, it’s a big challenge, the main rooms are at least 1,000 square feet with an additional 500 square feet in the bedroom. 

That’s.A.Lot.Of.Shopping.

Here’s what happened ….

BROOKS

He went all Versailles Meets Palm Springs because nothing says chic desert town like over the top fake gilded moldings and circus themed wallpaper.

Plus, just to make the room as schizophrenic as possible, he also chose some mid century modern pieces, like a yellow leather couch, to toss in, and some, gold bananas because, as Brooks said, “Who doesn’t like gold bananas?”

But he also brought in my grandmother’s dining table from her house on H Street in Oxnard, California. I’d always wondered what happened to it, but never thought it’d be part of a Versailles Mid Century hotel room in Palm Springs in 2013.

Brooks was all go big or go home, and it was gaudy and wild and fun, but not at all Palm Springs. Flocked wallpaper? Check! Trim painted gold over an odd blue wall? Check! A lamp in the middle of the room hung so low, I seriously thought Brooks was going to head butt it? Check!

The bedroom had circus tent stripes and velvets and mirrors and ornate painted pieces and looked like a junk shop after a big sale.

I like his over-the-top-ness, but I don’t see it as a show. I see it as a fun trip into psychedelic design, but I didn’t see one useful idea.

Vern, though, thought the bar was, and this is his word, ‘masterful.’

 I saw it and said, okay, two stools, a tray with some glasses on it, and a mirror.

Masterful? That explains why Vern Yip doesn’t have an HGTV show.

Brooks is out.

JERIBAI

Jeribai wanted to make his suite—which, for some unexplained reason was actually bigger than the others—into a beach vacation because when people travel to the desert they want to see an ocean, or something.

He chose teal paint because, um, this is 1979? But then he saw the teal paint and had it horsewhipped and removed from the walls, replaced by a more dusty blue. Good save.

His room was chic, and kind of beachy, and kind of not, but there was a huge gaping hole in the middle of the space which all the judges noticed. I offered up my go-to tip on wasted space in a room: “Put a grand piano there.”

And, well, that might have worked, you know, with a couple of bar stools around it. 

But, you know, I’m not much of a shopper so I won’t be on the show. Another thing that might have helped was either more furniture, or bigger furniture. I loved his orange couch, but it was too close to the other pieces and, had it been pulled out, might have helped fill that void.

Jeribai did get props for accessorizing his shelves—he was the only designer given shelves—but I kept looking at it and thinking it wasn’t accessorized enough; too many flat platter-y things that you couldn’t see.

His bedroom was a hit, though the judges worried about his light colored carpet and dirt. I also liked his headboard and the wallpaper he chose; I’m not much of a purple gal, but it worked in the room.

The Goiter said, “There were really good, sophisticated moments that show luxury and a sense of escape.”

Bob said, “For the love of Mary McDonald, STFU!”

In the end, though, even though his Camera Challenge was good—though “judge” Bromstad said it started off a bit low key—Jeribai also does not get a show.

TIFFANY

She decided that her Palm Springs suite needed a mid-century modern vibe to it, which meant a ceramic giraffe. Or something. 

It also meant creating a fireplace, albeit it electric one—which, I don’t care how fancy they get, they all look like that Yule Log Youtube video.

Her room was fun, with some bright poops of color; the area in front of the fireplace—which, as I said, was stupid, and was also not a fireplace because, as she told the judges it was ‘set up’ so that you could put in an electric fireplace.

Huh? If I stay in that room I need to bring my own fireplace? All she made was a pretty box to hold some candles inside and a TV on top. I ain’t buying it.

And then, the center of her room there was two chairs … two chairs …. And a giant ottoman with a brass dish on top. So, two people can sit there and, what? Look at the ottoman? Seriously.

I will give Tiffany props for the art wall in her dining room although how hard is it to walk into a shop that sells art and find one style you like and then ask for every single piece in the collection? 

And then her dining table, which created  a lot of drama because the handymen couldn’t get it up the stairs—while I was yelling at the TV, Take the legs off!—until Tiffany decided to take the legs off. It looked like some cheap-o dining table in the backroom of an old office building. No flair.

In her bedroom she placed a jute rug on a carpet of carpet squares that was so small it didn’t even fill a third of the space. But hey, she picked as good pillow.

The judges loved Tiffany’s playful vibe—the aforementioned giraffe—and bright colors, which, sadly, did not make it anywhere in the bedroom.

The Goiter said, of the art wall, “[It] doesn’t take itself too seriously.”

Bob said, “WTF are you talking about and why are you in a mullet prom dress?”

David Bromstad, bumped from mentor to judge for reasons unknown, except he also doesn’t have an HGTV show, said, of the fireplace, “How very ‘Palm Springs’ of her.”

Bob said, “Get a pair of pants that fits, and if you can’t button the top button of your shirt, don’t try to cover it with a tie.”

But, apparently this, basically boring with a pop of color and a giraffe room, gets you your own, to-be-aired-in-the-middle-of-the-night show.

Way to go, Tiffany.

MY TAKE

Three designers. Two very much alike and one from a galaxy far far away who all will not have a show on HGTV.

Should Tiffany have won? I don’t think so. The fireplace was a joke; the seating area was lame; the carpet was too small.

Should Brooks have won? I don’t think so because he’s not so much a designer as a set decorator. The man can accessorize, but his aesthetic is too, too wacky.

Should Jeribai have won? I don’t think so because his style, while nice, wasn’t exciting enough for a show.

That said, and let’s take a dip in the shallow end: Jeribai’s ass in those jeans was a show-effing-stopper; and his pecs in the tight T-shirt was a sight to behold. Plus, rising from the shallow end, he can design and he can build, and I’d like to see a show like that.

If he wore tight T’s and booty hugging jeans.

So, we’re done with another season of HGTV Star!

I can’t wait to have insomnia one night so I can see Tiffany’s show at 4 AM.

FOOD NETWORK STAR! Lights! Camera! She’s Baaaack!

So, the good folks at Food Network, knowing a good idea when they steal one, had a little online competition for the axed cheftestants called Last Chance Kitchen Star Salvation and the winner was revealed last night: Lovely. And lovely. I mean that in the sense that it was just lovely, sarcasm font, to see her polished, pretentious face back on my TV.

Luckily, it didn’t last long.

MENTOR CHALLENGE:

Cook a pasta dish and describe it to Giada, Alton and Bobby so that they wanna eat it. Sounds easy enough, but then the Monkeywrench™ is thrown into the mix: the chef’s will be describing another dish, not their own. Ow.

Lovely v Damaris:

Lovely was to describe Damaris’ Linguini Bolognese, er Linguini with Meat Sauce—because Damaris cannot pronounce Bolognese—and since she wasn’t on the show last week she missed the lesson in words not to use; like beautiful, which, if she said it once, she said it ten times: it was a "beautiful journey through a nice, beautiful, delicious meat sauce mouthwatering journey and wonderful pasta delicious beautiful."

Damaris talked up Lovely’s Mascarpone Fettuccini with Hazelnuts and Lemon Shrimp and told a story of having her heart broken and how her brother came to visit and that was just like pasta. Seriously. Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Stacey v Rodney:

Stacey talked about Rodney’s Late Night In Little Italy, AKA Shrimp, Clam and Oyster Pasta by basically reciting what Rodney said was in it.

Rodney took on Stacey’s Chicken Saltimbocca Pasta and said it was ‘real nice.’ Again. Jokes.Write.Themselves.

Nikki v Russell:

Nikki is good, but she says words like briny when talking about the pork in Russell’s Pork and Veal Sugo. Pork? Briny?

Russell finds no sin whatsoever in Nikki’s Fire Island Bursted Tomato Pasta with Every Herb Imaginable. He tells us what’s in it, not how it tastes.

THE WINNER: Nikki, who gets to pick her team for the …

STAR CHALLENGE:

The Field Piece. The cheftestants teams will go to a restaurant and they must report on the place, the food and the people. They will be judged by the panel as well as some folks from the Hollywood Reporter; wait for an upcoming Food Network/Hollywood Reporter event, I’m guessing.

TEAM Damaris-Nikki-Stacey:

They head to The Donut Man to talk about Strawberry Glazed Doughnuts made with potato flour—which, apparently, is unusual in Doughnut Land.

Damaris does the intro, and looks a little too giggly, but pulls it off. Stacey talks to the actual Doughnut Man and talks over him because she’s Stacey and it’s all about her and we learn nothing about potato flour. Nikki does the wrap-up and meets a doughnut fan outside. She comes across the most at-ease on-camera.

TEAM Russell-Rodney-Lovely:

It’s Vito’s Pizza, where they make the dough from 500-year-old yeast, passed down from generation to generation.

Russell does the intro and talks about Vito bringing East Coast pizza to the West Coast, but also mentioned something about sin. Rodney gets to work with Vito making the pie and lets it slide away the story about the old, old, old yeast. Lovely wraps things up by eating a slice and talking to two of the most boring customers ever.

THE VERDICT

TEAM Nikki-Damaris-Stacey 

They score the win. Damaris gets points for being calm and less, well, slutty, and Nikki gets told she was the best. Stacey, though, once again is told that she comes across phony and hammy and cheesy—maybe she should have done pizza?

TEAM Russell-Rodney-Lovely

Bobby Flay—I loathe him—chastises Russell for inserting his POV, i.e. the sins, into his intro, but fails to mention that Rodney called himself the Pie Man in his segment and Lovely muttered her tired catch-phrase, Party On A Plate, in her wrap-up.

Rodney is told that he’s memorable, but is also schtick-y and lacks food knowledge. Lovely is too polished, too mechanical, and basically ignored her customers, and their lack of enthusiasm.

Lovely. It was lovely, but now you’re gone. Again.

MY TAKE

I’m liking Russell; he different looking and has a different POV.

Nikki and Damaris and Stacey are a little too much alike and, well, bland.

Rodney’s a hot mess; he’s the Brooks of Food Network Star!

That said, I’ll say it again, at least these folks on this show have actual talent, and don’t have to rely on product placement and gimmicks to show what’s what.

Plus, most of the previous Food Network Star! winners have had their own shows, and most have been successful.

Take that HGTV.

HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Six

HGTV Star! The Unconventional Challenge!!

It’s almost over, and if we are to pay attention to what Carlos says when I rant about the inanities and insanities that are HGTV Star [?], while I may watch again, I’m done recapping. 

Yes, I said it last year, but just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in. But I’m over the heavy product placement—seriously, I think I’ve now seen the outside of every single furniture and accessory store in the LA area—and I’m over the nitwit judges who seem to have no other job at HGTV than this show; exception, though, I guess is Soto, who recently had a show called The High/Low Project.

Whatever. Let’s get into this before I bore myself to tears ….This week is the, ahem, non-traditional challenge; season’s past saw a glass house challenge, a yurt challenge and a container box challenge. What’s left? An ice chest challenge? Nope. School buses. Out in the middle of nowhere, Jeribai tells us as they walk up the manicured path with cars whizzing by on the road just behind them.

Tiffany, Brooks, Jeribai and Anne will remake a school bus in whatever way they choose, functional, or not, because, you know, that’s a show.

TIFFANY

She was all about Alice In Wonderland and I was all about, Turn this shiz off. Then she said she wanted to go dark and kinda of horror-ish, and I was sucked back in. She went Mad Hatter Tea Party and I thought it would be a great piece, with a rather macabre theme, but then Bromstad stepped in and warned her not to go gory.

Um, David? She never said ‘gory’ she said ‘dark’ but then you made her afraid and she decided to keep in fairytale.

It was nice, but safe. Quirky but safe. The one flaw was the back of the bus where she stuck a bunch of potted plants like it was the after-sale at the local nursery.

This weeks’ Camera Challenge, though, presenting a new use for an old treasure on The Talk talk-show, showed Tiffany can be fun and spontaneous. But she took an old frame and put in a white board—instead of a chalkboard … how clever … not—and, um, yeah. Boring.

But, betwixt the TV challenge and the too-safe-Tea-Party, though, Tiffany scored the big win.

JERIBAI

We learned that Jeribai was a personal trainer for a hot minute—and yet we got not one shirtless Jeribai this season—so he wants to do a Gym Bus, fit for a boxer to work out in and to lounge in after the workout.

And, to remind us all that he’s Jeribai, he put his signature logo from EpOne on the back wall to remind the judges that he’s a strong competitor. Or something.

He was the only one, however, who removed the wheels wells so he could create an entirely flat floor front to back; smart, smart idea because it really opened up the space.

What didn’t open it up were the striped, oddly colored curtains that seemed bent and stapled to the roof. And let’s not get started on his accessories: candle-less candle holders and a desk lamp smack dab in the middle of the desk.

But, this week’s Camera Challenge showed Jeribai being very comfortable and cute on-camera while turning a desk into possibly the shortest kitchen island ever. And there was a couple of Hey Gurl moments from Jeribai which made me wonder about him …  And then wonder again why he kept his shirt on all season.

BROOKS

This seemed to be the challenge for Brooks because it was all about unconventionality, at which he excels. He wanted to go super Spaceship in his bus, and then created some slatted wood zeppelin “egg shell’ thing at the back of the bus and suspended a chair in it. It was cool and unconventional. But the rest of the bus was just chairs and seating areas and weird little, as he called them time and again, curiosities.

I mean a whisk and a spatula?

Yeah, not so space age to me. And on his Camera Challenge he was a bumbling mess, turning a suitcase into a medicine chest filled with, you guessed it, curiosities. It was a cool idea, but his oopsy-daisy-dropsy demeanor was kinda wrong.

Still, he got a pass because …..

ANNE

At the outset of this week’s challenge, Anne said this was hers to win—which we all know means she’s going home—because she’s deigned custom motor coaches before.

But, she turned it into a motor coach—without a kitchen though, so it was really a guest room on wheels. She had the shopping mishap again—buying a sofa that was too big for the space; Yip and Soto, two of the tiniest people on TV, could not sit across from one another without bumping knees. And, again, she blew the bed, making it look very sloppy, though the wallpaper was a nice touch.

Perhaps she should go on the Wallpaper network?

All in all it was a Meh Moment. As for her Camera Challenge, she flipped over an end table, tossed in a pillow and called it a doggie bed. Seriously. Cute? Okay. But … seeeeeeeeeriously? Plus, she could only giggle while appear too ill-at-ease on TV.

So, in the end play it safe school bus and giggly schoolgirl gets sent home.

I’ll miss her bright red hear; my retinas are still burning.

MY TAKE

The Goiter in the blue galoshes? Really? So, it was a school bus challenge and she decided to dress like a schoolgirl. She’s an idiot.

I also get annoyed when they bust the chops of the designers for their Camera Challenges; not so much this week when it was, ALLEGEDLY, live. But, I wonder, how many takes does The Goiter get to stop mumbling and yet they give these designtestants one shot to get it right?

Yip and Soto on the couches? When a seating arrangement is too small for Vern Yip, it’s too small! Dammit!

Then right there at the end, Vern uttered the line that since all three designers are just so so good, they’ll all be going into the finale.

Um, Vern, do you think the audience is so stupid to believe hat you made this decision last minute? I mean, the entire season is planned out and scheduled to within a minute of its life, and you expect me to believe that this “surprise” is real?

You’re not that good.

FOOD NETWORK Star! Culinary Vocabulary!

We start off with the cheftestants coming into the kitchen to see Bobby Flay in chef white! Oooh scary! Whatever.

MENTOR CHALLENGE: 

This week the cheftestants will taste a dish prepared by Bobby Flay and not gag. I kid. They have to taste it and then, in one minute, describe it without using buzz-words like delicious, awesome, sexy, incredible and wonderful.

The Flay dish is Ancho-Chile-Honey Glazed Slow-cooked Salmon, with a Black Bean sauce, Blistered Jalapeño Crema and Tomatillo Salsa.

How’d they do …?

RODNEY:  "Outta sight”! “Dyn-O-mite”! He’s a 70s sitcom star.

NIKKI: She uttered the first delicious but recovered nicely.

CHAD: He couldn’t form words, so he kept eating. Nom nom nom.

DAMARIS:  She tried so hard not to be flaky that she turned out boring.

RUSSELL: A buzzereded, rambling mess.

STACEY: Really kind of flawless, and told a story to boot. She wins and gets a bonus in the Star Challenge.

STAR CHALLENGE: 

Create a dish that is their culinary POV and then put it up for auction. Whichever dish gets the highest bid, is safe. Stacey gets to add an extra $10 bucks to her highest bid since she was the Queen of Vocab Wars.

How’d they do …?

CHAD: Texas Barbecue Poutine. Poutine? Sounds like puta or putan, both of which mean, um, whore, so … oh, it’s French fries, cheese curds and gravy. Yeah, still sounds kinda whore-y. But he added barbecued steak and sausages. His pitch to the auction audience—a group calling themselves Gastronauts—was a rambling mess, and his food, while sausage-y good, was potato bad.

RUSSELL: An Egg-and-Bacon Sandwich Revolution; with smoked trout eggs, pork belly, puréed brioche and horseradish ice cream. WTF? His presentation was just as disorganized, because he just basically gave a shopping list of what was in his food.

STACEY: Maple Bacon Cheesecake. Turned out to be kinda runny Maple Bacon Cheesecake. In her presentation, she comes off too me-me, and too polished; there is no edge. The verdict on her food was that it had a good crust. Really? That’s high praise?

DAMARIS: Green Bean Casserole, with Shiitake Mushrooms and Goat Cheese Mornay Sauce. I stepped away from the table at the words green bean and casserole. But she was good fun on the auction block, without being skeevey sleazy, and everyone liked her dish.

RODNEY; Berry-Rhubarb Pie with Bacon Crumble Topping. Um, yeah … his presentation starts out with a joke that he thinks he’s talking to, wait for it, astronauts. Funny stuff. I.Kid. A waste of time. His show would make me switch channels faster than an all-day HGTV Goiter Fest. But, everyone loves bacon, even topping a pie.

NIKKI: Wild Mushroom Pasta with Shrimp On The Side. I liked her presentation because she pushed her Veggie Agenda without being pushy, and everyone liked her dish.

THE JUDGING:

DAMARIS: Better presentation than ever, but still ….. Her dish sold for $130. I would have wanted 130 casseroles for that much money.

RUSSELL: he now has two POVs: The Revolution and The Sin, but he needs top pick one. And he needs to lose pureed bread. Still, his dish sold for $150.

RODNEY: Waste of time presentation, but his pie was a win. His sold for $140.

CHAD: Why a poutine, they asked? And why soggy fries, they cried? And why so sloppy on the presentation. His dish scored $150 also.

NIKKI: Good, strong POV, and her dish was the favorite of the judges, though it sold for just $130.

STACEY: She’s good, she’s solid, she’s too practiced. But, her cheesecake sold for $180, even without her $10 advantage.

ELIMINATION: 
I hate to say I knew it, but when I saw Chad show up in those red pants, I flashbacked to Viet being axed in the very same pants, and I knew my Silvery Foxy BBQ Daddy would be going home.

MY TAKE:

Bacon is the new black.

Bobby Flay thinks far too much of himself.

But, at least this completion lets the contestants work their own magic without stupid gimmicks and team challenges.

Plus, there was an awful lot of bacon. Maybe HGTV Star! should think of adding bacon to their designs?