It's Snarkurday!

So, earlier this week, former Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi star, Erin Moran died and Chachi himself, _____-supporter and all-around ass, Scott Baio basically said she deserved to die of an ALLEGED heroin overdose, because she had a drug and alcohol problem her whole life.

Actually, the problem was Moran died from cancer, but that didn’t stop Chachi from acting like a dick, and a tiny one, according to Moran’s brother, Tony Moran.

But first, once Baio learned the truth of Moran’s death, he went on Twitter to whine about how the Fake Media is making him the bad guy because he never knew Moran had cancer. Um, Scott, then shut your pie-hole if you don’t know what you’re talking about, m’kay?

But Tony Moran wasn’t having it, and went off on Baio on Twitter and Facebook:

“A special shout out to Scott Baio. I already went on Twitter about you. I hope it finds you. You and my lil sis had a very very brief fling. She dumped you. 2 reasons. 1. She told me that you were more like a lil girl and not a man. 2. She told me that you were tiny. Ya know. Barely a man in the man region. True story! Scott, I'd advise you to get on your knees and pray you never run into me.”

I say good on Tony for defending his sister and yet, even though that was good, he wasn’t finished with Baio after Baio’s wife, Renee came for Tony:

“Well guys. Guess what? I was contacted by Scott Baio's wife. His wife! Fucking coward! I've never met her. I do know the scumbag piece of shit Scott Baio tho. He was a piece of shit back then and still is. He had his wife contact me! Very apologetic and shit. Doesn't surprise me. It's too late you motherfucking pieces of shit! Go back under the rock you crawled out from under. There isn't one word I want to hear you speak. Makes me sick to my stomach.”

Here’s the deal: maybe Tony went a bit too far, but Scott Baio, and his wife, need to think before they speak, and not slam someone who has just died, because Erin Moran had a husband and a family she left behind and they don’t need Scott Baio’s tiny-dicked opinions about her.

No wonder he supported _____; tiny dicks stick together.

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Blake Lively is a fashionista; I mean, she went to Cannes last year with her husband, Ryan Reynolds—the best fashion accessory ever—and was photographed posing nearly every single day, and sometimes more than once a day, in a new outfit.

And she reveled in it, Tweeting the pictures, Instagramming the pictures. But, now, all of the sudden, Blake Lively doesn’t want to talk fashion even though she has had more fashion contracts than most A-list models: she’s been the face of Chanel handbags, Gucci and Michael Kors, for example.

When she was honored at Variety’s Power of Women event—Blake Lively? Power? Um, no—for getting a non-profit some time at a big conference she used the red carpet, where women wear great clothes and talk about them, to complain about being asked about her outfit:

“Really? At this event, you’re asking me about my outfit? Seriously…would you ask a man that? I’m here so we…become more aware, and that we change, and that we build (women up). So, you can ask me another question.” 

Had it been me asking the question, I would have been all:

“Um, okay ... why such a bitch, Blake? I mean, you’ve made a name for yourself by posing in fashion, being the face of fashion, and yet you don’t wanna talk about your fashion? Bye Felicia.”

Seriously, if Blake Lively weren’t Missus Ryan Reynolds she’d be asking me if I wanted my Starbucks for here or to-go.

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So, former Spice Girl Mel B and soon-to-be ex-husband, Stephen Belafonte’s divorce is really, really ugly. She has a pill problem ... ALLEGEDLY; he’s abusive ... ALLEGEDLY; he cheated on her with the nanny and got her pregnant and made Mel pay for an abortion ... ALLEGEDLY; she used to drug the nanny and force her into threesomes.

Not so ALLEGEDLY?

Yup ... Lorraine Gilles, the aforementioned nanny, filed a defamation lawsuit against Mel claiming that Scary Spice used to get her drunk and seduce her into group sex with her and the husband.  And, not to be outdone, Mel is counter-attacking that Stephen and Gilles are trying to blackmail her with sex tapes.

Gilles suit, though, is the best and dirtiest, because she claims to have had a sexual relationship with both Mel and Stephen over the last seven years.

Talk about spice, girl. Nanny sex; threesome sex; drunken sex.

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Another high profile divorce getting dirty is that of Mary J. Blige and Kendu Isaac.

Mary married Kendu Isaacs in 2003 and they split last year, when Mary filed for divorce and asked the court to deny his bid—$110,000 a month—for spousal support.

Since the pair have no children, the fight naturally turns to the coins, and Mary claims Kendu already spent any money he should get on his mistress ... who just happens to be Mary’s protégé, someone called Starshell, a much younger woman whom Blige took under her wing.

It’s ironic, all these old movies getting a reboot; Bradley Cooper is remaking A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga and Mary J. Blige is reliving All About Eve at home.

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You know you’re a drama queen when you have so much drama that it takes years to get through them all.

I’m looking at you, Aretha; Franklin, that is.

Aretha has finally gotten around to slamming her longtime rival Dionne Warwick for saying something nasty about her at Whitney Houston’s funeral ... five years ago. Best of all, Aretha slapped back at Dionne via a fax machine because the Queen don’t Twitter, text, or email.

The Associated Press spoke to Aretha on the phone after she sent them that fax to explain how furious, furious I tell ya, she was that, at Whitney’s funeral, Dionne tried to introduce Aretha to the funeral-goers but when she realized Aretha wasn’t there, Dionne said:

“‘Ree’s not here, but she is here. She loves Whitney as if she were born to her. She is her godmother.”

Aretha is mad because she is not Whitney’s godmother—that would be one Darlene Love—so why get her bloomers in a snit over that, especially a snit that boiled and bubbled for five years?

Aretha told the AP that she waited until now to say something because back then, there was too much drama going on, and so she waited, and plotted, and ate some pie. And then thought on it, and had some cake, and then put on a hat for Obama’s inauguration, and then thought on it some more until ... BAM ... it’s 2017 and she could tell the world:

“She blatantly lied on me … fully well knowing what she was doing."

And, in addition to waiting five years to spill the tea, Aretha is gonna wait even longer until she forgives Dionne. The two ran into one another at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of the Clive Davis documentary last week, and went all Bette and Joan on one another:

Dionne said, “Give me a hug.”

Aretha said, “Oh hell no. You couldn’t be serious.”

And lest anyone think all Dionne needs to do is apologize, do not hold your breath:

“I don’t care about her apology, at this point it isn’t about an apology, it’s about libel. We’ve never been friends and I don’t think that Dionne has ever liked me.”

When the AP asked Dionne’s rep for a response he said:

“She will not dignify a response to the statement made by Aretha Franklin.”

I’m torn ... I could go Team Aretha and share some chicken with her, or I could go Team Dionne because she just made a stupid mistake.

Plus, if I go Team Dionne, it’ll take Aretha about five years to come for me.

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Almost two months have passed since Faye Dunaway’s frozen face screeched out the wrong film at the Oscars and she is still all kinds of bothered by it.

Faye did an interview with Lester Holt to promote her new movie, The Case for Christ, and she talked about the Best Picture mistake:

“It’s a moment I still have not recovered from. We had planned to come on stage, do some banter, see the film clips. Then Warren was supposed to open the envelope, and then for suspense, pass me the card to read the winner. We rehearsed the whole thing. What happened that night was Warren opened the envelope, took the card out and didn’t speak…I was trying to tell him, ‘Let’s get on with it.’ And I read the name of the film on the card. And it was the wrong name.”

Wait; you rehearsed that? Cuz the story coming from everyone else is that Faye and Warren scarcely spoke to one another at all, before, during, and after the debacle.

Faye adds that she felt “very guilty” and wonders why she didn’t see Emma Stone’s name on the top of the card.

Really Faye? That makes you feel guilty? Not The Eyes of Laura Mars? Not Mommie Dearest? Not your new face?

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Gosh, I was so on Team Caitlyn when she came out as transgender and then she started to speak and well, between the anti-marriage equality bull shiz and the _____ support, I quickly grew tired of her and her “Look at me!” antics. And those, apparently, are getting worse every day.

Caitlyn appeared on “Live with Kelly” this week and was, well, a Kardastrophe-esque-sized bitcunt.

Jenner, promoting her memoir, “The Secrets of My Life,” continuously cut off Kelly Ripa and guest co-host John Leguizamo. And, for some reason, she asked Kelly when she first identified as a female.

“Just think about that. When did you know you were a girl?”

Jenner then made Leguizamo her target, asking if he enjoyed dressing in drag in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

Apparently she thinks she the poster gal for transgender people; she’s not. She’s a famewhore trying to sell a book and make some coins because her “career” on reality TV is done.

Worse of all is that Caitlyn didn’t even let the hosts ask questions; she asked herself the questions, and then answered them ...

 “I’m actually very excited to be here. Why? Because today, the 25th of April ... my book comes out and I don’t have a secret left in my life.”

Later on, Jenner again interrupted the hosts to whine about being snubbed by the program:

“I have been around for 40 years, from the old ‘Regis and Kathie Lee’ — Kathie Lee’s [Gifford] the godmother to some of my children — and all this kind of stuff. I’ve watched your show for years, I’ve seen you go through all this stuff, and I’ve never been asked to co-host.”

And, hon, you never will. The Caitlyn Jenner Show has been canceled.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I don’t know who Tia Mowry is though I know she has a twin and they were on TV once a long time ago, but Tia, I guess in a move to seem relevant, is talking about a recent run-in with an A-list celebrity.

First, that begs the question, how did Tia Mowry get into the same room as an A-lister? Was she serving the dinner? Parking the car? Bussing the table? I digress … Tia Mowry is talking up a storm about a rude encounter with the Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

Tia does say that maybe Charlize was having a bad day, but still has the Charlize Sadz about the whole thing:

“I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I'm just being honest.”

First off: “another” celebrity? Tia, you ain’t in the same league as Charlize so get it real.

Second off: Maybe Charlize was pissed at your sister and couldn’t tell the difference?

Third off: why is this a story?

I’ve learned several things in life:

Don’t party with Lohan because you’ll end up with a black eye or in jail.

Don’t get near Paris Hilton without a HazMat suit.

Don’t say Hi to Charlize Theron.

And, don’t ever come become Aretha Franklin and a hamburger.

After a show at upstate New York’s Artpark Outdoor Amphitheater, the Queen of Soul was hongray and really wanted a burger, so she headed over to the Johnny Rockets in Niagara Falls, Ontario and ordered a take-out sammich.

But then she took it to a table and … sat … down. Now, some restaurants have made it a policy that take-out food cannot be eaten inside the building because there could be others waiting for that table and because some people pull that trick so they don’t have to pay a tip.

But this was Aretha who does what Aretha wants so she plopped down and began eating when it happened: an employee told her to Get On Up. Her representative said a server actually called Aretha out for eating her take out burger at a table, saying the server screamed at Franklin, saying she couldn’t sit down to eat because she ordered takeout.

Franklin, for her part, says the worker was “very rude, unprofessional and nasty.”

A Johnny Rockets spokeswoman says the franchise owner is sorry for the actions of “a new and very young employee” and says the owner has spoken with the employee and has clarified his takeout policies.

No word on whether or not the server made it out alive.

Do.Not.Come.Between.Aretha.And.Her.Burger.

A week or so ago, while performing in concert, Tim McGraw found himself being grabbed by a female fan — Jesslyn Taylor — who latched onto his thigh, wouldn’t let go, and ripped his jeans in the process. McGraw reacted by swatting the woman away, but his hand made contact with her face and now she’s gone and hired a lawyer and is gonna sue Tim McGraw ... unless he gives a check to just go away.

Since the concert was in Atlanta, the local police department has seen video of the smack and has come down on the side of Tim McGraw, saying Taylor was the aggressive one and McGraw was just protecting his Not-So-Tiny-Tim. And McGraw did say this about the grope’n’smack:

“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”

Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and is humiliated; she wants an apology big check from Tim, but I think Tim should sue her for physical assault. Maybe then Jesslyn Taylor will keep her hands to herself.

The rumors aren’t dying that Beyoncé and Jay Z are headed for divorce.

Oh sure, the papers say the marriage is over, but then the next day Beyoncé Instragrams a picture of she and Jay Z playing mommy and daddy to little Blue Ivy, because that’s how Beyoncé handles all bad press; remember she scrubbed her Instagram accounts of Solange after ElevatorGate and then brought her back in a bit later to show everyone that all is well in the Carter house.

Image, baby, it’s all about image … and coins. See, Page Six says what the Carters have isn’t marriage but a business arrangement because they realize they are more marketable together than apart, though the "apart" may be coming soon since Jay Z is ALLEGEDLY banging Rihanna.

In fact, they say the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay Z's protégé Rihanna, whom he ALLEGEDLY planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna.’”

Smack. Kick. Kick. Smack.

Still, rumor has it that Beyoncé and Jay-Z will not put their dying marriage out of its misery until they milk every last dime they can out of this union.

Except … Beyoncé may already have one foot out the door because she is ALLEGEDLY shopping for a new crib without Jay Z.

In fact, she just toured a $21.5 million Chelsea penthouse just a few weeks after ElevatorGate though a source — and who knew Dina Lohan was in real estate — says,  “She was very quiet, as if she was looking on the sly.”

Adding some kerosene to the fire is that fact that Beyoncé is not shopping for the both of them because Jay Z has always been the one to make the real estate deals. And he was nowhere to be seen while Beyoncé shopped, and rumor has it that Jay doesn't want to move from their Tribeca pied-à-terre. Plus, the couple’s 8,309-square-foot Tribeca home is twice as big as the 4,045-square-foot penthouse Beyoncé say and you just know Jay Z don’t downsize.

So, is Beyoncé going Katie Holmes on Jay Z’s ass? Remember when Katie left Tom she’d already bought a new apartment before she tied the sheets together and slipped out of the Cruise Compound.

I loathe Jenny McCarthy. A talentless bimbo more well-known for her boobs and who she's schtupped than anything else, but apparently she’s terrible mother, too.

See, the story goes that McCarthy told her 12 year-old son, Evan, that it’s illegal to text and drive and he took her seriously. Evan is autistic and some folks on the autism spectrum take things literally, so when Evan and mommy were driving and mommy took out her phone to text, Evan called the police on her.

And what did wonderful mom Jenny do? Snatched his phone and threw it out the window. And we know it’s true because that dim bulb told the story on her soon-to-be-cancelled radio show, Dirty, Sexy, Funny.

Not funny, Jenny.

I love a good catfight but we rarely get a man-on-man brawl, until now …

Freddie Prinze Jr. was at Comic-Con last week to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels and took the time to reveal that he hated working on 24 with Kiefer Sutherland because Sutherland was a jerk.

“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. … I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4. … Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”

Of course, Kiefer isn’t saying a word because he’s probably sitting in a bar somewhere with his pants around his ankles drunk off his ass, but the good folks at 24 have said Freddie’s not being truthful because they love Kiefer.

Uh huh.

First comes the back-story … a few years back when Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr were still together, there was some gossip that Miranda let Justin Bieber bang her. I know … ick. It was around the time that Justin performed at a Victoria’s Secret runway show and people say Miranda did it for laughs and the possibility of an STD or something; of course, she was also ALLEGEDLY banging Leo DiCaprio, too, so maybe she was the Petri dish in that triad.

Then, when Orlando and Miranda finally split the Bieber rumors were cited by some as the reason, saying Orlando was really upset with the idea that his wife was Biebered. So, of course, as small men do, a few months ago Orlando was spotted out and about with Bieber’s on-again-off-again ex Selena Gomez because, well, Hollywood is incestuous like that.

And so naturally, this week when Orly and Biebs were in the same nightclub in Ibiza, a tiff broke out and Orlando threw a punch at the tiny star and Justin fled the restaurant amid cheers of the onlookers.

A source — and since Lohan is in Europe, and this was at a club, well, you do the math — says, “Justin was at one table, and Orlando was at another. But when Bieber and his party were later walking past Bloom’s table, Orlando refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Bieber said something rude to Orlando, like, ‘She was good.’”

Oh.No.She.Di’in’t. Then Orlando and Justin got in each other’s faces and Orlando threw a punch but he either missed or Bieber dodged it, but the crowd cheered. Later on in the night, after the punch that wasn’t or was heard ‘round the world, Justin Bieber, as little boys are apt to do, Instagrammed a picture of Miranda Kerr and then instantly deleted it.

Seriously, it used to be women having the catfights and now it’s the man-boys.

File this under 'You Ain’t Foolin’ Anyone,' but Oscar nominee, Terrence Howard, who’s made 90+ TV shows and films, says he’s too broke to pay his ex-wife, Michelle, spousal support.

Terrence has asked a judge to throw out his divorce settlement with Michelle, saying they were only married a year and he was extorted and blackmailed into signing the settlement. But Michelle ain’t giving up and is demanding the $325,000 in spousal support she says she’s owed.

And so now Terrence says he could never pay her that much money because he only takes home $5,878 a month, and claims the balance of his earnings are earmarked for spousal and child support to another ex-wife, Lori McMasters. In fact, Terrence says he’s actually an employee on Lori’s payroll because his Hollywood cash goes directly to her and then she cuts him his monthly check.

Poor man. Married a few times and owing money all over the place, with never enough to go around; even though he has eight projects coming up.

Methinks Terry’s gonna have to come up with a better story than being broke.

I live in fear of Martha Stewart ever since the day she stole a cab from me and beat me senseless with a ten-pound slab of pancetta on 5th Avenue. You don’t mess with Martha — though I’d bet on her in a death match with Aretha.

Remember when Stewart was asked about Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle” blog, GOOP, and Martha threw shade, saying she invented the whole lifestyle biz? Well, now she’s reminding us again, because another Hollywood upstart, Blake Lively, has tried to cut into her livelihood.

Blake has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. In fact, she went all Single White Female on Martha when she and hubby, and my Hubby-In-My-Head, Ryan Reynolds, bought the house around the corner from Martha and she started visiting every day. Blake was on Martha’s show; Blake gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding; Blake was trying on Martha’s gardening clogs.

But you can’t fool Stewart; at the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival Martha was asked about Blake’s new lifestyle ‘blog’ Preserve and she said this:

“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog … I haven’t seen it yet.”

Snap! Blake’s very shy in person, but not onscreen if you’ve seen her movies? Makes her sound like a porn star! And then she tosses in the I haven’t seen it yet like it’s so inconsequential. But then someone asked Martha how she felt about Blake Lively wanting to be the new Martha:

“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

Dirt! Blake “could be” an actress.

Like I said, don’t mess with Stewart; she always comes at you with a barb or a ten-pound slab of pancetta and both hurt!