It's Snarkurday!

The minute I heard that Colton Haynes was marrying Jeff Leatham and that That Woman was performing the ceremony, I set the timer for six months. And lo and behold when the timer went off it appeared that the marriage was over.

Now, no one knows why the marriage ended, or even if it has truly ended but here’s what we do know…

Colton has stopped following Jeff on Instagram

Colton erased all pictures of Jeff’s face from his Instagram

Colton released a song called Man It Sucks about a breakup

Seriously … it’s that serious. And true, because now we hear that Colton has already filed for divorce.

I’m telling you, it used to be if a celebrity was photographed not wearing their wedding ring, that was the signal. Now all you gotta do is Unfriend them on social media.

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I thought the next season of Ryan Murphy’s Feud would be his feud with Olivia de Havilland, but there’s another fight that might peek his interests: the seventeen-year feud between Jada Pinkett Smith and Gabrielle Union.

Oh, you hadn’t heard of that one? Don’t feel bad, no one had until Jada, who is doing some kind of low-rent talk show on Facebook called Red Table Talk with her mom, and the two went on Extra to promote their show.

Jada said she’s be having Tiffany Haddish, Hollywood’s New ‘It’ Girl, and Jada needs the viewership, but it was what she said next that drew the biggest gasps …well, from Jada and her mom at least:

“I have a really touching episode with Gabrielle Union. We haven’t been on the best of terms for 17 years, and we have a reconciliation. [And] when the producers said we want to do a girlfriends show… her name just kept coming up… it just couldn’t be anything else.”

And yet even Jada can’t seem to recall what the nearly two-0decade pissing contest was about.

So why should we care? We don’t.

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Does anyone think that if she didn’t have a TV show, and couldn’t play out this drama with her Baby Daddy, that Khloé Kardastrophe and Tristan Thompson would still be together?

Yes, Khloé and Tristan are staying together, probably not for each other, and probably not for the child, but for the cameras to roll next season.

I mean, c’mon. Big sis Kim married a guy on TV only to divorce him on TV the next season …and then she married a guy who goes off his meds regularly.

Kourtney was married to Scott Is A Dick Disick.

Kim Wannabe, Kylie, used to date a guy, buy him cars, and then act surprised when, on camera, he gave them to her as gifts; and the she got knocked up by a one-night stand.

So, again, does anyone really think Khloé and Tristan are staying together for any reason other than ratings?

I know, right?

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Johnny Depp cannot stay out of the news.

This week Depp is hot because he ALLEGEDLY physically attacked a location manager on the set of his upcoming film, LAbyrinth, when he tried to punch the guy and then shrieked:

“I’ll give you $100,000 to punch me right now!”

Easiest 100K I’d have ever made.

The set of LAbyrinth turned toxic when Depp decided to take over the directing reins for a scene featuring two of his friends as a cop and a homeless guy. The production had permits to close down the street, but Depp took so long “directing” that they expired and when he tried to continue that location manager told the actual director, Brad Furman, that the scene had to wrap’ Furman, knowing he was working with crazy said:

“Tell that to Johnny Depp!”

And when the location manager did just that, Depp—who ALLEGEDLY had been drinking all day—got in his face, screaming”

“Who are you? You have no right!”

When the man simply said he was doing his job, Depp tried to punch him in the ribs and when he got no reaction was when he screamed about the 100K.

A rep for Depp had no comment. Furman insisted the ALLEGED incident was overblown. I’m thinking … bull shiz, Johnny Depp is unhinged.

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Since he announced his split from wife Vanessa, Donnie _____ Junior has started dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle.

A former San Francisco and LA prosecutor Guilfoyle is known for her strong connections to the _____ clan and family, and tirelessly backs the president and the first family.

Big surprise, I mean the Fat Bastard gets his talking points from Fox, so why shouldn’t Junior get his latest side-piece from them, too?

Plus, Guilfoyle was also linked to Anthony Scaramucci last year when he briefly separated from his wife.

Wow, Junior got the Mooch’s sloppy seconds.

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A while back we discussed “actor” Clayne Crawford being a dick on the set of Fox’s Lethal Weapon knockoff. Clayne played the Mel Gibson role for two seasons but not anymore. He was fired for being a terror o-set and found out when, well, we all did … when Fox announced it in The Hollywood Reporter.

Ouch.

Fox is still planning to renew Lethal Weapon for a third … third? … season if they can recast his role sooner rather than later, but most actors in Hollywood are all:

“There’s a Lethal Weapon TV show?”

Which is what most people are saying.

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It's Snarkurday!

Remember when songwriters Sean Hall and Nathan Butler sued Taylor Swift back in September claiming that her off-key ramblings of “players gonna play” and “haters gonna hate” on 2014s Shake It Off might have been a rip-off of their song from 2001 called Playas Gon’ Play?

They wanted 20% of Shake It Off’s profits, or roughly $30 million dollars, but the case was thrown out because, well, no one actually wrote “playas gon’ play” because people have been saying it long before anyone heard of Swifty or Hall or Butler.

So, that should have been the end of things, right? Nope, because Swifty countersued for the $75,000 she paid in legal fees to defend herself. And that’s when Judge Michael Fitzgerald gave Taytay a lesson in how the law works before kicking her case to the curb; Fitzgerald explained that although the suit may appear like a shakedown, it’s not entirely unbelievable to say that Taylor Swift stole a couple of lines from their song.

Fitzgerald dismissed Swifty’s claim and told her to go home and steal write another song about it.

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When Tristan Thompson got caught cheating on his Baby Mama Khloé Kardastrophe, the other woman was ALLEGEDLY an Instagram model … which is ALLEGEDLY where Tristan met his many, many, hookups.

At first Tristan tried to appease Khloé by claiming the women were just “stupid groupies” … cuz that somehow makes it all right, but now maybe she’s not so forgiving since it’s been revealed that he went after all these women on social media, the very bread-and-butter of a Kardastrophe’s life.

Karma, baby. Live your life on Instagram, find your life ruined on Instagram.

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In Ick news … “Smallville” actress Allison Mack, who was arrested last week for her role in a sex cult, ALLEGEDLY tried to lure Kelly Clarkson and Emma Watson into her “movement.”

Mack sent tweets to Watson about an “amazing women’s movement” she thought they might be interested in:

“I’m a fellow actress like yourself & involved in an amazing women’s movement I think you’d dig. I’d love to chat if you’re open.”

She followed that with:

“I participate in a unique human development & women’s movement I’d love to tell you about.”

Mack also sent a vague tweet to Clarkson about having a “chat.”

“I heard through the grapevine that you’re a fan of ‘Smallville.’ I’m a fan of yours as well! I’d love to chat sometime.”

Mack has pleaded not guilty to charges of sex trafficking and forced labor after she ALLEGEDLY lured female members of the self-empowerment group Nxivm into a secret society that forced women into sex slavery.

Seriously.

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In the ongoing feud between herself and Kim Cattrall, Sarah Jessica Parker—and let’s face it, SJP is the only one talking and still talking—claims she was nice to everyone on set. As for her alleged battles with Kim, she says she has never engaged in that sort of thing:

“I’d just like to remind everybody that there is no catfight. I have never uttered an unkind, unsupportive, unfriendly word, so I would love to redefine it … I’ve always held Kim’s work in high regard and always appreciative of her contributions. If she chooses not to do the third movie, there’s not a lot I can do to change her mind and we must respect it. That’s the only thing I’ve ever said about it, you know?

But, no, there is no catfight, there never has been a catfight. I’ve never fought with someone publicly in my life, nor would I. And I spent time with all of the women on the set … We are enormously proud of what we got to do and I don’t want someone sharing thoughts publicly, which is Kim’s right to do and that is what it is, but we spent 10, 12 years of our life doing something that I really loved and I feel privileged to be part of and I don’t want this to eclipse it or change its experience for that audience that was so good to us for so long.”

Gosh, she never did or said a mean word or thing to anyone anywhere ever … because she has minions like Andy Cohen do it for her. Give it another week and SJP will be back talking about the non-catfight-catfight again, while Kim Cattrall just moves on.

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God, Gwyneth Paltrow does not know when to shut her pie-hold, albeit a possibly gluten-free piehole.

After dating everyone, everyone, from Brad Pitt to Ben Affleck to Chris Martin—whom she married—Paltrow now claims that her new husband, Brad Falchuk, is her first “adult” relationship.

Gwyneth is 45 but clearly thinks she has neither dated, nor married, an adult male, ever. I don’t feel bad for Brad or ben, because they’re provably positively Glee-ful to have avoided a Paltrow marriage, but poor Chris Martin, the father of Goops children, Pear and Elijah, has now learned that he is not an adult … after learning, also, that Paltrow thinks of him as a brother.

This woman is too much, and too full of herself.

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So, a few years ago, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s marriage imploded. Was it his boozing or her cheating, or maybe both? But they both moved on rather quickly, with Lambert hooking up with a backup singer and Shelton hooking up with a headline singer, Gwen Stefani.

Lambert’s post-marital relationship crashed and burned, but Blake and Gwen are ALLEGEDLY still going strong. But he clearly still holds a grudge because Miranda and her last ex-boyfriend Anderson East split a couple of months ago, but now we learned that Miranda was also sleeping with Evan Felker, the married frontman of Turnpike Troubadours at that same time.

So, maybe it was less Blake’s boozing and more Miranda’s sleeping around? At any rate, the news to Miranda’s married boyfriend did not go unnoticed by Shelton, who Tweeted:

“Been taking the high road for a long time.. I almost gave up. But I can finally see something on the horizon up there!! Wait!! Could it be?! Yep!! It’s karma!!”

But is he really taking the high road, because if he’d moved on, and clearly, they both have, would he care?

Just sayin’.

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Well, all those jobs that Lindsay Lohan never got have finally hurt the family. Lindsay mother, Dina “Can I Order Chardonnay By The Bucket” Lohan is losing her home to foreclosure because her daughter dividend paycheck daughter doesn’t really work and can’t foot the bills on Chez Lohan any more.

In 2013 it was reported that Dina was $1 million in debt and took out a $1.3 million loan on her home. But Dina has a hard time paying back loans and so the bank came a’knocking, as banks are apt to do when you don’t pay them back.

But Lindsay swooped in with 40K—she is a high-class call girl, you know—to help, but it wasn’t enough and so JP Morgan Chase filed a lawsuit to foreclose on her house and a judge has ordered the home to be sold off.

I guess Dina could always go live under the bars her daughter used to sleep under.

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Apparently, what’s been going on behind the scenes of Fox’s Lethal Weapon TV show is much better than what makes it on camera, even if what’s going on could sink the show.

Lethal Weapon is in its second season and a third season seemed to be expected but one of the show’s leads, Clayne Crawford—I have no idea who he is—has been accused of terrorizing the cast and crew on set. Sources say Crawford is emotionally abusive and created a hostile working environment and it wasn’t until the higherups had a chat with Crawford and mentioned the possibility of a third season with a different actor, that he squeezed out an apology to the crew and an unnamed actor … possibly his costar Damon Wayans.

So, there you have a show with two stars who don’t get along, and one who feels himself the budget Christian Bale.

And Fox is thinking about keeping this shiz going?

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Remember last week, at the GLAAD Awards, when Halle Berry announced this mess … “Behind every Black Panther there’s a Black Catwoman!” … and then suggested that a reboot get another chance?

Well, this past week, when she was honored at the 2018 Matrix Awards Halle talked about her career and her intuition, and as she rambled on and on and on, she realized the audience had slipped into a coma and so then she talked about … Catwoman:

“Everybody around me said, ‘Girl don’t do it, it’s gonna be the death of you, it’s gonna end your career.’ Well guess what I did? I followed my intuition and I did a movie called Catwoman…and it bombed! Miserably. But I assumed it. Because you know what? While it ‘failed’ to most people, it wasn’t a failure for me. Because guess what? I met so many interesting people that I wouldn’t have met otherwise, I got to learn two forms of martial arts and I got to learn what not to do, and learning what not to do is as important as learning what to do. And I got that gift, and I got a shitload of money that changed my life.”

And there you have it: a shitload of money. And that’s why she wants to do it again, even though she doesn’t seem to realize that since the first one tanked, epically, no one will give her even a turdload of coins.

Sit down, Halle, Catwoman is over ... for you.

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Well, looks who’s come crawling out of the Sexual Predator Slime: Matt Lauer.

He’s reared his bald head and groping hands and leering eyes to tell us all about allegations that got him canned from the Today by way of a piece by The Washington Post:

“I have made no public comments on the many false stories from anonymous or biased sources that have been reported about me over these past several months … I remained silent in an attempt to protect my family from further embarrassment and to restore a small degree of the privacy they have lost. But defending my family now requires me to speak up. I fully acknowledge that I acted inappropriately as a husband, father and principal at NBC. However I want to make it perfectly clear that any allegations or reports of coercive, aggressive or abusive actions on my part, at any time, are absolutely false.”

There you have it; he admits to being a bad boy but says he did nothing wrong and don’t believe anyone who says otherwise.

Okurrrrrrrrr.

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I’ll give it to Jennifer Lopez, she doesn’t do subtle … at this week’s Billboard Latin Music Awards, JLo performed her new song, El Anillo—which means The Ring—the third single from her new Spanish album Por la Primera Vez .

The lyrics translate to:

“I have never felt anything this grand

And your wild side drives me crazy

You’ve given me so much that I’ve been thinking

I already have it all, but

When will I get the ring?”

Wow, someone is desperate for Alex Rodriguez to become the fourth Mr. Jennifer Lopez … because you can’t get to 5, 6, 7 or 8 without getting through #4.

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