It's Snarkurday!

Lindsay Lohan—trying to rehab her image—may have a new gig ... a jewelry line.

No, seriously. Lohan, who was arrested in 2011 for taking a $2500 necklace from an LA boutique; she pleaded no contest to misdemeanor theft for that one.

So maybe, since Lohan is Tweeting of her new venture ... #LohanJewelry ... this is the real deal, though I imagine she’ll be selling her line out of the trunk of a car in an alley somewhere.

Just sayin’.

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In Katy Perry’s latest song, Swish Swish, she sings that it’s funny a certain “bish”—clearly Taylor Swift—can’t keep from saying her name. See, when Swish Swish was released, Katy, once again, whined her girl fight with Swifty over backup dancers from years back.

Well, through a “friend” because that’s how she rolls, Taylor Swift wants y’all to know that she wants no part of this mess ... any more. The “friend” says:

“She honestly wants no part of this, that’s why she avoids talking about it. She doesn’t want to engage.”

She does not want to engage even though she began the Snit when she wrote Bad Blood about Katy?

Bish, please.

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Rumors are swirling that Fergie had—depending on who you listen to—been kicked out of, or dropped out of, the Black Eyed Peas over “creative differences.”

And now, will.i.am has confirmed the rumors to be true ... Fergie’s out. But the question remains ... is anyone still in the Black Eyed Peas?

I mean, their sell-by date was at least two years ago, though I think it’s been longer.

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Gwyneth Paltrow ... the gift that keeps on whining.

In an interview with The Edit, Goop continued to kvetch about why people don’t like her. She tried to replay that story about haters hating her because they are “unenlightened.” I mean, c’mon, if you don’t shell out $3,000 for a plain white t-shirt, or steam clean your ladybits, you really are a peasant.

Now Goop is saying that people don’t like her because ... wait for it ... she is an attractive successful woman. Seriously. Goop says:

“It’s got a few layers to it. People were fine with me as an actress, but with Goop it was like, ‘Stay in your lane.’ Women in general get a lot of pushback, especially if you’re successful and attractive… I’m not saying I’m attractive. I mean when you’re considered attractive.” 

Honey, you are a moderately talented, self-involved wannabe and, yeah, I don’t like you, but not because you’re moderately successful or moderately attractive but because you are full-on full of yourself.

Seriously, take a seat.

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Poor Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott ... I mean, really, poor.

Five months ago, City National Bank sued Tori and Dean over a bank loan. The reality whore couple owed $188,802 in loan payments, interest, and late charges, and Tori also owed more than $17,000 in overdraft fees and interest.

In March, City National issued a default judgment against Tori and Dean but they never paid the bill, so City National took it a step further. Tori and Dean were supposed to appear in court on May 22 to respond to City National’s request, but they didn’t show up. I guess they figured if they owed someone 200K and just sat it out, the bank would be all, “You know, never mind, we don’t need the money.”

Oh hell no. A judge granted a default judgment to City National and ordered Tori and Dean to pay $219,796.66 for the loan and Tori’s overdraft.

Tori and Dean better get to Lifetime or E! or Bravo or Pop or Logo or Animal Planet to try and scare up a reality show because shiz just got real.

$219,796.66 real.

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So Baywatch sank at the box office ... it drowned .. it belly-flopped ... pick a watery metaphor.

According to Box Office Mojo, its four-day domestic box office gross was less than $23 million, which is roughly a third of what a studio paid to make this mess. By comparison, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came in at #1 with more than $78 million, so clearly people wanted to see a disaster at sea, but just not their disaster.

So, who to blame? Well, if you’re The Rock, who has now had a couple of bombs dropped into theaters this year, you blame the critics, by Tweeting:

“Bold move from this critic who watched #Baywatch w/other critics who laughed their ass off, but then they decide to trash it publicly.”

Maybe they weren’t laughing with you, but laughing at you.

Big difference, Rock ... huge.

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Jaden Smith has accused The Four Seasons hotel in Toronto, Ontario of trying to murder him. I know :::sigh:::: but according this self-entitled little brat the Five Star Corporate Hotel actually made things purposely horrible for him.

Will and Jada’s demon spawn is in Toronto filming the movie Year in a Life, and was staying at The Four Seasons when he had some issues and instead of calling the front desk, took his spoiled brat ramblings to Twitter:

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Just Made Me Want to Throw Up On MySelf.”

Someone needs to get back to an English class ... unless this is the title of his autobiography. Still, he did go on ...

“I Hope The Four Seasons In Toronto Puts Me On The No Stay List.”

Oh, honey, I’m sure they have.

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Spiked My Pancakes With Cheese, I'm Surprised I'm Still Alive.”

WTF? Someone needs to parent this tool.

“After They Kicked Me Out Of My Room”

Perhaps they kicked you out of your room for “acting” like a little bitch who thinks the world revolves around you.

I say kudos to The Four Seasons.

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ABC dug up the corpse of American Idol for the 2018 season and will pay Katy Perry some $25 million to judge the first season and one person is not happy about that.

Hint: it’s not Swifty.

Nope, Ryan Seacrest is none too happy with how much money he’s getting to host the show again because, yeah, it’s not Katy Money; in fact, it’s less than 50% of Katy Money ... just $10 million.

Sheesh, Seacrest spends more than that on Botox and hair products in a month.

I think someone needs to start a GoFundMe for Ryan.

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I find Armie Hammer hotter than hot because he’s a tall, beefy drink of water, and because, well, he went there during his onscreen love scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in their film, J. Edgar.

Hammer was on on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked him about his role of Clyde Tolson, Hoover’s longtime lover and whether or not there was any, um, wood, during the kissing scenes between Hammer and Leo.

Armie gave a little nod and said, “Yes.”

Leo was one lucky onscreen homo for that film if I do say so myself.

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I don’t find Jamie Foxx funny or talented, but that’s okay because he thinks he’s all that ... and a bag of chips.

Foxx filmed a Tonight Show promo and decided to pretend to use sign language while lapdog Jimmy “Tousle ____’s Hair For A Laugh” Fallon laughed about it all. Trouble is the deaf community—represented by model/activist/dancer—Nyle DiMarco was not happy and took his outrage to Twitter:

“@iamjamiefoxx, It is straight up disrespectful to make up sign language.  Everything is in gibberish.”

Nyle then tried to educate Jamie about ASL:

“Jamie Foxx’s behavior with Jimmy Fallon on Fallon Tonight should not be tolerated anywhere.

We simply do not make fun of other cultures, especially those with a history of being marginalized. When we do this, progress takes a step backwards.

Sign Language is important to me because it is the bedrock of Deaf culture. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities says Sign Language is a human right of deaf people, and out of the 70 million worldwide, only 2% have access to education in Sign Language.

That’s why I started the Nyle DiMarco Foundation.

We are working with other organizations to ensure every deaf child has usable language before the age of 5.

What Foxx did on Fallon Tonight made our struggle that much harder.”

I wonder if it might have been quicker to use the universal sign of the One Fingered Salute for Foxx.

Maybe that he’d understand.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Chris Pine, on last summer's "Gay Sulu" controversy: 

“Amen, man. It’s about f—ing time. The fact that there’s still a conversation about it means that there’s still room to go in terms of it being normalized….My only rebuttal to George Takei — no matter what kind of creative differences he had about Sulu being gay, and I can understand his creative differences — is the fact that our job is to make people feel less alone. If there’s one kid in Middle America who feels any amount of self-loathing because he feels different, or is being bullied because he feels different or looks different or sounds different, if our film can give him solace and make him or her feel less alone, then abso-effin-lutely we should do it all the time, every day of the week.”

Hot. Smart. Compassionate. LGBT ally. Hot.

I know, I know, I said ‘hot’ twice … sue me. He’s hot.

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Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks quarterback, on Colin Kaepernick 'sit-in' and how he won't join: 

"First of all, there’s no perfect answer. I understand and respect the cause because there’s so much going on in America right now — so much hurt, so much pain. And ultimately I understand what he’s doing. For me, I love the flag. I love the National Anthem because it’s an emotional time for me because I’m so grateful I get to play on the football field. And every time I get to put my hand on my heart, it’s truly an honor — you know, the military, for me I think about my family members who have served, and friends — I train down in San Diego all the time, so I’m around the Navy and I see those guys around. And all they do for our country and the people in Afghanistan and all these people fighting. 9/11, for example, coming up — that’s going to be our first game and I think about all the pain from that. So that’s why I stand and put my hand on my heart."

And Kaepernick has his reasons for kneeling. It’s called Free Speech and what’s good for Colin is good for Russell.

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Steve King, Republican congressman, and asshat, from Iowa, saying Colin Kaepernick might be a terrorist because he kneels during the anthem:

“I understand that he has an Islamic girlfriend that is his fiancée and that this has changed him, has taken on some different political views along the way, this is activism that is sympathetic to ISIS. For me, if I’m the coach, I would say, ‘You’re done. Until you take a knee and beg forgiveness from the American people, you’re not going to set foot out on this field again.’”

See what he does there? While denying Kaepernick’s right to Free Speech, King uses his Free Speech to suggest that Kaepernick is an ISIS sympathizer and maybe his Islamic girlfriend is a terrorist.

Kaepernick is protesting something; King is using Hate Speech.

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Matt Bevin, Kentucky Republican governor, speaking at the closing session of the Values Voter Summit Hatefest:

“Somebody asked me yesterday … ‘Do you think it’s possible, if Hillary Clinton were to win the election, do you think it’s possible that we’ll be able to survive? That we would ever be able to recover as a nation?’ And while there are people who have stood on this stage and said we would not, I would beg to differ. But I will tell you this: I do think it would be possible, but at what price? At what price? The roots of the tree of liberty are watered by what? The blood, of who? The tyrants to be sure, but who else? The patriots. Whose blood will be shed? It may be that of those in this room. It might be that of our children and grandchildren. I have nine children. It breaks my heart to think that it might be their blood that is needed to redeem something, to reclaim something, that we through our apathy and our indifference have given away.”

This is the GOP, so reduced to fearmongering and hate that this wingnut suggests bloodshed, a Civil War, perhaps, are the only recourse to a Clinton presidency.

That kinda sounds like treason to me … plus, he looks like the new Crazy Eyes to me.

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Tim Kaine, Democratic VP nominee, on GOP VP nominee Mike Pence saying Putin is a stronger leader than Obama:

“What about invading other countries is leadership? What about running your economy into the ground is leadership? What about persecuting LGBT Russians is leadership? What about setting up journalists and imprisoning them and even killing them is leadership? There is a difference between dictatorship and leadership. And If you didn’t understand that you wouldn’t get out of a fifth grade civics exam if you don’t understand the difference between dictatorship and leadership [and] it also demonstrates just an irrational hostility toward President Obama that I just don’t get.”

Trouble is, all those things that Putin has done, are things Mike Pence would do if given half the chance.

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Nyle DiMarco, Dancing with the Stars and America’s Next Top Model winner, on what it means to be deaf and gender fluid, and on The [t]Rump:

“My passion, personally, is being my true self while inspiring young people who are struggling with their identities to love themselves for who they are. And myself, as a sexually fluid deaf man, I know that embracing all our identities is the way to thrive and to overcome the limitations and prejudices that surround us. There is no doubt in my mind that human diversity is what colors our world. For all LGBTQ Americans, we know from experience that labels can’t hold us back. We can change the world one person at a time simply by being our true selves. ... Seriously, I don’t find not being able to hear an obstacle or a boundary. For me and for many of us, it is an advantage and it’s a part of my identity in fact. It’s a huge part of who I am. And in this very turbulent political year, trust me, don’t you want to sometimes just turn the volume off completely when Donald Trump starts to rant? I have a tremendous advantage there as well. I don’t hear a thing.”

I’m like Nyle, in that I don’t hear [t]Rump either because I mute the television whenever he appears.

It saves my sanity.

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