Saturday, July 23, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

The story goes like this … Kanye says he asked Taylor swift about a lyric in one of his “songs” where he says he’d “f**k” her and she said that was fine. What wasn’t fine, was Kanye calling Taylor a “b*tch” in the same song; she says Kanye never talked about that.

Well, Kanye records his phone calls, and Missus Kanye, er, Kim Kardastrophe, released the video of Kanye asking Taylor about the lyrics and Taylor saying, “Yeah, go ahead and call me a b*tch, everyone else does.” Or something.

Well, TayTay threatened to press charges against Kanye for recording their conversations because that’s a crime in California … IF … the conversation is confidential. Sadly Kanye had Swifty on speaker so, yeah, not so confidential Tay.

So, while Swifty hasn’t hired a Teletubbie attorney, she is considering filing a police report against The Kardastrophes. She says that, while she heard other voices in the room, she didn’t know she was on speaker, so she didn’t think they could hear her.

Oh honey. Stop.

I find it hilarious that she’s pissy about being called a b*tch but has no problems with Kanye saying he wanted to f**k her.

But it isn’t just the Kardastrophes who are beefing with Swifty …


A street artist from Melbourne named Lush Sux, following Kim Kardastrophes airing of “the vide-ho”— not a typo — has taken a page from the social media nuts who now claim that Kim Killed Taylor and created a memorial artwall for Swifty … though to cover his ass, he does call her “Taylor Smith.”

The mural, with a by no means unflattering portrait of the “Bad Blood” singer, reads, “In loving memory of Taylor Smith, 1989-2016.”

And now, Smith, er, Swift’s lawyers are threatening to sue.

Lush Sux did not give any details about the ALLEGED email, citing legal reasons, but has said he will not destroy the memorial.

RIP Taylor Smith.


So, Jenny McCarthy. Sheesh. With all her attention to plastic surgery and Botox and fillers and chemical peels, she really is one to talk. No, I mean she’s talking about it … a lot.

On her radio show last week she spoke with “actress” Tara Reid, of Sharknado fame, and the conversation quickly devolved … as a conversation between two morons usually does. Jenny started off nice, but, you know, ratings and press, she slipped into bitch mode.

Jenny complemented Tara her latest reality show appearance in Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars:
“I f**king love you on that show, but are you glad you did it?”
“It’s not worth the time to talk about. There’s confusing things about it. We are not talking about it.”
McCarthy continued to try and talk about it, until Reid said:
“Babe, I asked you, please let’s not talk about this show. We’re all here about Sharknado.”
So, Jenny did, and asked Reid if she had to get into peak physical shape for it.
“It’s not like you really need to get into shape. It’s Sharknado. They’re fake sharks.”
So, McCarthy went shark, and brought up the topic of Reid’s past surgeries and asked if she was still going under the knife.
“No, I haven’t had any surgery for awhile … Jenny.”
And Jenny dug deeper, with almost surgical precision:
“You look great now. So, you’re good and done, not moving forward with plastic surgery?”
“I think I’ve made that clear about 100 times. Maybe you only read the bad things, but I’ve made that really clear for so many years. Read what you want to read… It was really nice talking to you and really good luck with your show.”
Reid starts to get up and Jenny snaps back:
“Good luck to you, too, and I’m so excited about Sharknado and I hope you stay married.”
“I hope you stay married too. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I hope your tits get even nicer, because they’re amazing. The same guy who did mine, right? I’ll always use your advice. You’re the best. Bye.”
“Love you, Tara. Good luck with Sharknado 18.”
Ouch. It hurts when has-beens fight.


This is a bizarre story.

Apparently, the now twice-nominated actor Tituss Burgess — Unbreakable Kimmy Schimdt —called a moving company to pick up his couch to be reupholstered.

When the movers didn’t show up on time, Tituss called back and the company said they were 15 minutes away and would give him a discount. Then they asked Tituss to write a Yelp review for them and he agreed to write a review when the job was done but as soon as he hung up, the “company” texted him back and said:
“No review, no show.”
And Tituss went off:
“My name is Tituss Burgess. I’m an Emmy Nominated Actor for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt currently streaming on Netflix. Thats besides the point.”
And we’ll stop … is it really, Tituss? Really?
“These guys are the absolute most UNPROFESSIONAL workers I have EVER DEALT WITH. I called this man this morning. We chatted. He said he could move my couch at 1pm which was the time I requested. 1:30 still no movers. I called back and he says I will give you a discount .. I said ok. He says but you have to post a review on yelp. I said when you complete the job I will complete the review … he texts saying no review no show. This went on for about 45 minutes. It Completely threw my entire day. I called him about 9 times but he wouldn’t pick up but he somehow was capable of texting. DO NOT USE THIS COMPANY. Im going to post this to twitter to my instagram to my Facebook. You messed with the wrong Queen.”
And then he went all kinds of hashtag ..
#franksexpress
#Igotcha
#lizaminelli
#DONOTTHREATENMEIWILLWIN.”
Wait? What? Hashtag “lizaminelli” is a threat?

Well, the “company” has responded and says they don’t know Tituss … his ego just exploded … and that no one at the “company” ever spoke to him and then posted this to their website:
“Dear Tituss! We are very sorry for fatal misunderstanding. But we have never spoken with you by phone. We never reserve our trucks and crews via phone. It is rule! … We never ask our customer about good reviews before a move. And of course our dispatcher never threatens to our customers. We are very small Company and we watch our reputation. It would be an honor to help Tituss Burgess for us … but we suspect that someone is using our good Company name and our reputation … “
 And it goes on and on and on because the owner, like Tituss, doesn’t know when to sit down ... on the couch that no one ever bothered to pick up?


Time is a cruel mistress, though you can fight the ravages of aging on your face and skin and hair and chins but not your hands.

I mean, take Madonna, she has the face of a twenty-year-old and the hands of Margaret Hamilton from the Wizard of Oz. But she also has cash … and though she used to wear gloves every time she stepped out … she is now showing off her new hands.

The British tabloids, which call them “Madonna mitts” might have to stop because Madge has undergone several rounds of something called “redermalization mesotherapy.”

The procedure, which ALLEGEDLY originated in Russia … Putin’s hands are like a newborn baby … takes 45 minutes and involves 80 to 100 micro-injections of amino acids, vitamins, and hyaluronic acid “to stimulate the production of skin-plumping collagen.”

Sadly, at first, the amino acids and hyaluronic acid form unsightly bubbles on the skin, but within about 24 hours, hands regain visible volume and elasticity, resulting in a smoother, more wrinkle-free look.

I imagine Madge’s boy-toys are happy with the change because the old Madge handjobs felt like sandpaper on your privates … or so I’ve been told.

Now if she could do something about her neck?

Friday, July 22, 2016

I Didn't Say It ...

Jeb Bush, blaming President Obama for the anti-everyone GOP:

"As much as I reject Donald Trump as our party leader, he did not create the political culture of the United States on his own. Eight years of the divisive tactics of President Obama and his allies have undermined Americans’ faith in politics and government to accomplish anything constructive. The president has wielded his power — while often exceeding his authority — to punish his opponents, legislate from the White House and turn agency rulemaking into a weapon for liberal dogma. In turn, a few in the Republican Party responded by trying to out-polarize the president, making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-women, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense. Unfortunately, the understandable anger and fear haven’t given rise to a resurgence of purpose in politics or renewed a debate in our party about how Republicans win back the White House with the power of our ideas."

Wait, so because Obama tried to get something done, and the GOP, in its racist attempts to thwart him at every turn, is now responsible for their hatred?
Oh, Jeb, you should’a listened to your Mama when she told you not to run … your mouth.
Alexander Skarsgard, on embracing gay sex scenes as an actor:

“They’re incredible scenes. … I remember Theo, who played the Greek lover of Russell Edgington, and that was the first gay sex scene I had on ‘True Blood.’ … He was nervous; he had never kissed a guy before. I just said, ‘Look at the scene. It’s this nemesis and he comes in and then it gets seductive and you think they’re gonna make love and it gets into that and then suddenly my character stabs him in the back and he explodes. In two minutes, look at this emotional rollercoaster we’re taking the audience on. If we commit to this, it’s going to be an amazing scene and we’re going to be very happy with it forever. If we hold back, that’s when it gets awkward.’ Same thing shooting the other scene with Ryan — we knew that it was coming because we shot a scene the previous year where I hypnotize him and say, like, ‘When you dream, dream sweet dreams of me.’ Because we did it in a very seductive way, when they said ‘wrap’ and I turned around and I saw the writers, I could just see in their eyes that they were like, ‘We’re definitely gonna see this dream later on in the show.’ We knew it was coming. You have to think of the scene and how it fits in and hopefully be excited about the scene. Then, just dive in.”

I can always envision a gay sex scene with Alexander Skarsgard … though usually I am cast in the scene with him.
Just sayin’.
George Takei, Mr. Sulu in the original Star Trek, on the idea of Sulu in the reboot being gay:

“I told [writers] Simon Pegg and Justin Lin], ‘Be imaginative and create a character who has a history of being gay, rather than Sulu, who had been straight all this time, suddenly being revealed as being closeted.”

I get that Takei wanted to keep the character as Gene Roddenberry created him, but I think Star Trek needed a gay character we already knew, not someone who’s cast just to be the “gay” one.
Steve King, Iowa’s Republican Congressman, a homophobe, and now clearly an uneducated racist … though I assume most racists are idiots:

“This ‘old white people’ business does get a little tired. … I’d ask you to go back through history and figure out, where are these contributions that have been made by these other categories of people that you’re talking about, where did any other subgroup of people contribute more to civilization?”

Yup; not one single thing have people of color done for the world.
Asshat.

Day Four: The Republican National Clusterf**k

Oh Ivanka, I once thought you were the voice of reason in that family, but you have taken to drinking the Kool-Aid from the Golden Chalice.

Ivanka Trump — the daughter whom [t]Rump once famously said he’d date — received the plum post of introducing her bigoted, anti-gay, racist, anti-Semite of a father to the Republican National Clusterf**k crowd.

She surely drew the short straw. But then she had the audacity to say that Daddy is both “color-blind” — unless, I’m guessing, unless you’re Mexican or Muslim — and gender-neutral” — unless you’re one of those “fat pigs” “bleeding from wherever.”

I’m not sure anyone bought it — I doubt even Ivanka believes it — and anyone can see it was just a sad attempt to shore up his sagging poll numbers among women and minorities.

Some of my best friends are women and minorities.

Mostly, though, she played it safe, and played with her hair.

But then it was time for Daddy — “Get off the stage, Ivanka.” — and his new rallying cry:
“I am your voice.”
He spoke of doom-and-gloom for over an hour, not really offering any solutions or any promises, other than that “great” wall. He painted a bleak portrait of America, our police force being attacked — though he made no mention of the Black lives lost at the hands of police — and the terrorism in our cities — which, let’s be clear, for the most part is homegrown.

He called illegal immigration a threat to the nation — though, again, failed to mention how many undocumented workers he employs — and described these undocumented people in disgusting terms:
“Nearly 180,000 illegal immigrants with criminal records, ordered deported from our country, are tonight roaming free to threaten peaceful citizens.”
Yes, every single undocumented immigrant is out there killing and raping and selling drugs.
In front of a bunch of, mostly white, mostly middle-aged, angry people — read: racist and bigots who are tired of eight years of that Black man in our White House — [t]Rump spread the fear of Obama and the terror of Hillary, declaring himself the “law and order” candidate.

I think that means he thinks “Law & Order” is on after the show.

He even made the case that being a billionaire who poops in a golden toilet and lives high above the riff-raff in buildings emblazoned with his name makes him the only person qualified to fix what ails the nation:
“I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people that cannot defend themselves. Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.”
I’ll paraphrase: “Me me me, I’m the best, me.”

Then he said big business — and let’s not miss the irony of the man who calls himself the greatest businessman in all the land — and the media, and Wall Street of stepping up to help Hillary maintain the status quo and, ahem, here’s where he goes pouty, “keep our rigged system in place.”

Isn’t [t]Rump a member of all those groups? Business? Yup. Media? The Apprentice anyone? Wall Street? And yet that same “rigged system” that has allowed him to pay little to no taxes while amassing an ALLEGED  $10 billion dollar fortune — though I’ve no doubt it’s far less.

And then he vowed to end “political correctness,” paving the way for hate speech, God Hates Fags, deport the Muslims, kick out the Mexicans.

He spoke for a while — a short while before getting back to his favorite topic, Donald [t]Rump — about foreign policy; he’s the one who can fix ISIS, he can stop terrorism, he can do it all, if only, if only, We The People, would gather together and turn on the [t]Rump Light in the sky and call him to help us.

Seriously. He’s Batman.

He said that “there can be no prosperity without law and order,” but did not say how to do it, or even how he could do it, only that “can be fixed so easily.” He did talk about that wall, though he refrained from saying Mexico would pay for it, so open your checkbooks America … you’ll be financing Trump Wall.

He spoke of suspending “immigration from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism” until new vetting procedures are in place, but made no mention of our homegrown, angry white Christian man terrorism issues.

Oh yeah, I forgot, “White.Christian.Man,”

He said he would help the LGBT community in every way he could, though this is the same man who has also said he would get rid of that “horrible” marriage equality law; the same man who supports for the anti-LGBT First Amendment Defense Act; the same man who has no problem with making it a crime for transgender Americans to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.
“As your president, I will do everything in my power to protect our LGBTQ citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful, foreign ideology.”
But he won’t protect us from the hateful ideology here at home ... fueled by the hateful, and hate-filled, rhetoric of his own party.

Let’s be queer: he is not our ally; he is not anyone’s ally, unless your last name is [t]Rump. He is the candidate of the party that says marriage is between one man and  one woman — funny, since their candidate is a thrice-married adulterer — and that gay folks shouldn’t be allowed to adopt, and that parents can force their children into conversion therapies.

He is not our ally.

He is not an ally of the blue collar worker.

He is not an ally of women, of immigrants, of anyone with brown-skin, of anyone who isn't "Christian."

And, as he has suggested, if he wins the White House, he'll give Mike Pence all the power while he remains a figure-heard … a bloated Cheetos figurehead.

Mike Pence … one of the most conservative, most anti-LGBT politicians around ... a man who wants religion, his religion,  to be the law of the land; can we do that? Can we go back into the closet? Can we deny anyone the right to worship, or not worship, as they choose?

That's a [t]Rump presidency and if that doesn't scare you, nothing will.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Random Musings

So, Speaker, er, Liar, of the House Paul Ryan shared this selfie to Instagram last week of him and a bunch of Capitol Hill interns.

Not a person of color in the bunch … take that for an indictment of the GOP if you will.

But some folks on social media gave Ryan a break, saying things like:
“Perhaps all the blacks are off camera on the far left?”
“This sums up the problem with the GOP. It’s like looking at 1950s America. I guess this is what making America Great Again looks like.”
“And people have said the GOP is the party of bigoted white guys. Now WHERE could anyone have gotten SUCH a strange idea?”
Huh.
Speaking of Old White Guys, and Old White Guys Who Wanna Be President and Lie Like It’s Nothing At All … on the opening night of the Republican National Clusterf**k Donald [t]Rump told Bill O’Reilly he was grateful it was held in Cleveland:
“I wanted it to be here, and we had lots of choices. I wanted it to be in Ohio. I recommended Ohio. And people fought very hard that it be in Ohio. It’s a tremendous economic development event, and you look at the way it’s going so far, it’s very impressive. I wanted it be here, the Republicans wanted it to be here.”
Um, but that’s a lie; there is no evidence that [t]Rump had anything to do with picking Cleveland, something the RNC did way back in January 2014.

No one, NO ONE, on the convention location selection committee recalls ever hearing from [t]Rump.

Just sayin’ … the man wouldn’t know the truth if it came notarized on a bankruptcy filing.
Carlos and I are enjoying Animal Kingdom on TNT—and it’s not a wildlife show, but a show about wild lives.

The show is based on a 2010 Australian film and is the story of a 17-year-old boy, who, after the death of his mother, moves in with the Codys, a criminal family clan governed by matriarch Smurf, played by the amazing Ellen Barkin.

Her sons and grandson are the Hotties this week … Finn Cody, top, plays the high school grandson, while Ben Robson, bottom left, is the adrenaline and heroin junkie Craig. Jake Weary, bottom right,  plays the closeted son, Deran. 

For TNT there is a lot of bare asses in the show, mostly that of Robson and Weary.

And they’re real, and they’re spectacular.
So … MelaniaGate … PlagiarismGate … when the story first broke that not-college-graduate Melania [t]Rump has, um, lifted, certain passages of her speech from that of one Michelle Obama, the campaign went into overdrive.

First, the speechwriters for Melania were to blame, though they swore they just used stories from her childhood … as a young black girl in Chicago … for the speech.

But then came footage of Melania telling Matt Lauer she wrote the speech herself.

Then [t]Rump campaign manager Paul Manafort blamed Hillary Clinton because the Clinton camp talked about the theft.

Then the blame was placed at the feet of an “unknown” friend of Melania’s who helped write the speech.

Finally,  Trump’s speechwriter, Meredith McIver, came forward and said she stole from Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech but she'll keep her job because ... liar.

The campaign doesn’t seem to think anyone will notice that they’ve come up with five different versions of how Melania [t]Rump came off sounding exactly like Michelle Obama … without the class, mind you, and the college education.
Lastly, more craziness from [t]Rump … it appears that Ohio Governor, and former rival, John Kasich, was offered the chance to be “most powerful VP in history” by the [t]Rump campaign.

Rumor has it Little Donny pitched the idea to Kasich for his Daddy and when Kasich asked what he might be doing as Veep, Little Donny told him he’d be in charge of foreign policy.

When Kasich asked what President [t]Rump would be in charge of, he was told:
“Making America great again.”
Yikes. Of course, Kasich turned it down and now the [t]Rump's are denying it ever happened.

Uh huh.

Day Three: The Republican National Clusterf**k

I don’t know which is ickier … watching Ted Cruz’s snake lips jiggle across his chin or watching two homophobes — The Rump and The Pittance — attempt an air kiss?

First up, Mike Pence finally got his time before the camera without [t]Rump around to interrupt and take over and he gave one of those traditional stump speeches that conservatives like, where he didn’t say anything of note — he relied heavily on saying the other side was running a “predictable name” — and ended with Make America Great Again.

Like back when The Blacks knew their place, and The Gays were in the closet and The Women were in the kitchen and White Men ruled. That isn’t great, for anyone, except rich white men and bigots and homophobes.


And then there was Ted Cruz, failed presidential candidate, trotting onstage to a thunderous ovation and then proceeding not to endorse [t]Rump but instead begging people to vote their conscience — which may be hard because the zealots in that crowd have no conscience. Then came the boos, and the arrival, again, of [t]Rump  in the hall, which sent Cruz scurrying like a rat offstage, but not before making a money beg for 2020:
“We’re fighting not for one particular candidate or one campaign.”

Of note is the picture of the [t]Rump clan during Ted Cruz’ speech. Who’s not there? Oh yeah, Melania. I heard she was back home writing her Gettysburg Address. But Little Donny looks like he wants to stomp his feet and scream, “Be nice to Daddy!” Big Donny wants to say, “You’re fired!” Ivanka is thinking, “Who wrote my speech?” And Lil Tiffany is wondering is she set the DVR to record The Real Housewives.

Former House speaker, and skipped over Veep-choice, not to mention serial adulterer, Newt Gingrich then tried to tell everyone what Ted Cruz was trying to say … though, for once, Cruz was clear: “Never [t]Rump.”
“I think you misunderstood one paragraph that Ted Cruz, who’s a superb orator, said. He said, you can vote your conscience for anyone who would uphold the Constitution. In this election, there is only one candidate who will uphold the Constitution.”
Um, yeah, that’s not what Ted said.

Rick Scott, the governor of Flori-duh, said [t]Rump “can be a little rough” and then called him a friend. That’s high praise. 

And then, because he has nothing to do while waiting to be voted out off office, Wisconsin governor, and fellow failed presidential candidate, Scott Walker, said that failing to support Mr. Trump was equivalent to endorsing Mrs. Clinton. 

So, it’s not “Vote for Trump” because he’s the best person for the job; it’s “Vote For Trump” because he’s not Hillary.

Again … high praise.

Now, usually at these conventions — on both sides — the party presents its strongest leaders, its best speakers; the party presents itself as the one party to run the country.
This year, it’s about the children. Little Donny spoke, and kinda spit a little too, and then Little Tiffany auditioned for “America’s Got No Talent.” Last night it was Little Eric who stepped away from the kiddie table to talk about how great Daddy his … like when he supervised rehabilitation of Wollman Rink in Manhattan.
“Vote [t]Rump! Make America Skate Again!”
Is it me, or does Eric have Daddy's Small Hands?

Yes, vote for the man whose own party doesn’t want to get too close, lest the crazy rubs off; lest the inexperience, the racism, the bigotry, the misogyny, the homophobia, rubs off. Let the kids talk because Daddy supports them … financially.

Eileen Collins, a retired space shuttle commander, delivered a speech about space and about making the country’s space program great again; she was supposed to end her speech like this, according to her prepared remarks:
“We need leadership that will make America first again. That leader is Donald Trump.”
But she left off those last five words.

FoxNewshound Laura Ingraham gave a Hate Speech of her own and ended it like this:


No.Words.

Lynne Patton, the Vice President of the Eric Trump Foundation and senior assistant to the [t]Rump children, praised the family — um, Lynne, we’re not voting for the family — and [t]Rump and then encouraged minorities to vote [t]Rump:
"Historically, black lives have mattered less. My life mattered less. Whether we like it or not, there are people out there who still believe this to be true ... I am proud to stand before you tonight and support Donald Trump, not just in spite of the color of my skin, but, in fact, because of the color of my skin."
So, I read that stunned; a woman of color endorsing a candidate who has said horrific things about people of color — though, to be fair, it’s just the brown-skinned one s from south of the border or the Middle East. I imagine Ms. Patton received a lovely bonus from the [t]Rump kid’s allowances for speaking so highly of their hateful Daddy.

And here’s my final thought … because I just saw the Air Kiss That turned stomachs Across The Globe on TV again; I’ve watched these things for many years now — or at least read about them the next day — and I remember watching them with my parents when I was a wee queerling.

The candidate usually stays out of sight for the first three or four days and lets the party state its case; he, or she, lets other members of the party rile the crowd up, so that on the last day it’s all a frenzy of excitement waiting for the candidate to appear.

Not in a [t]Rump Convention; he appears through smoke on the very first night to introduce his wife, Melania, and let her give Michelle Obama’s speech. Then he arrives by helicopter another night; then, when Cruz gets booed, he appears in the hall again.

So, the convention isn’t about the party, the election, the platform; it’s about Donald [t[Rump and nothing more and if anyone votes for him then that’s all you can expect.

Nothing more.