The Funny Papers

Chris Britt, Mike Luckovich, Drew Sheneman, David Horsey, Walt Handelsman, Michael de Adder, Ed Hall, JD Crowe, Marc Murphy, Kevin Siers, Bill Day, Steve Breen, Steve Benson,

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Am I going to have to edit the My-Husband-In-My-Head list and remove longtime favorite Armie Hammer?

Y’all know that Armie Hammer split from his wife, Elizabeth Chambers, last July, after ALLEGATIONS surfaced that he was cheating with his Rebecca co-star Lily James … who was later accused of cheating with yet another co-star Dominic West, from a different film. Now that doesn’t mean Armie’s off the list, but it ALLEGEDLY gets way uglier about Mr. Hammer.

Women have come forward with DMs ALLEGEDLY sent by Armie, and they tell stories of how he likes drinking the blood of his sex partners, of killing an animal to eat its heart and taking what were initially consensual sex acts with women he called “Kittens” to peak levels of abuse. And rumors abound that Armie was fired from the upcoming JLo bomb, Shotgun Wedding, over these troubling ALLEGATIONS.

Hammer says he chose to leave the movie so he could stay with his kids in the Cayman Islands during this difficult time, but … according to those close to Hammer he hasn’t been with his family at all, and only communicates with his estranged wife through their attorneys.

Not so bad. People cheat all the time. Not enough to scrub him from the list, though those blood drinking ALLEGATIONS are creepy. But while in the Caymans Armie has bragged to his buddies about having a lingerie-clad woman, on all fours,  waiting for him in his hotel:

“Well… my ex [for a very good reason] wife is refusing to come back to america [sic] with my children. So I have to go back to Cayman… which sucks. Except there are a few silver linings. Like f**king Ms. Cayman again while I’m down there.”

Note: the Miss Cayman Islands Universe Committee has denied that it is the reigning Miss Cayman Mariah Tibbetts, or anybody affiliated with the contest.

And he’s boasted about taking DMT, a hallucinogenic drug that goes undetected in drug tests, in leaked videos from his private Instagram account when he also shared a screenshot of what looked like a court order that he takes drug tests, and passes them, before he can see his children:

“All negative, b***hes. My body is a finely tuned toxicant processing unit. To be fair I had THC and benzos in my piss. But who doesn’t. Divorce is so fun. Not as fun as drugs. But what is.”

I dunno … I see an eraser headed to my Husband list, especially given this part: Armie Hammer might be into cannibalism.

There, I said it.

Last July, ALLEGED DMs sent to various women from Armie made the rounds in which he was DTF while still married. Some of the women, whom he called ‘Kitten’ and himself ‘Daddy’ shared the ALLEGED Hammer DMs.

And in the DMs were disturbing stories that ‘Daddy’ gets hard thinking about holding a woman’s heart in his hands … that ‘Daddy’ demands to drink their blood … that ‘Daddy’ is a cannibal … that ‘Daddy’—and, again, it’s ALLEGED to be Armie—has cut an animal’s heart out and eaten it.

To make matters worse, Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, who dated Armie last year after he separated from his wife, showed support for those speaking out:

“If you are still questioning whether or not those Armie Hammer DMs are real (and they are) maybe you should start questioning why we live in a culture willing to give abusers the benefit of the doubt instead of victims.”

And, also ALLEGEDLY, the soon-to-be ex-wife, Elizabeth Chambers, seems to believe the victims, and feels her husband “no longer values” their family.

Last week, another of Armie’s exes, Courtney Vucekovich, shared her Hammer  experiences with Page Six, saying Armie was emotionally abusive, obsessive, into drinking and drugs, and manipulated her into sex acts she wouldn’t mention.

Oh, and this, too:

“He said to me he wants to break my rib and barbecue and eat it … He says, I want to take a bite out of you. If I had a little cut on my hand he’d like suck it or lick it. He likes the idea of skin in his teeth.”

Vucekovich says she wasn’t surprised when the DM screenshots were released:

“He enters your life in such a big way. He’s such a captivating person. He has such a presence and he’s aware of that and he uses it in such a way that most women would think, ‘Oh my gosh this is amazing,’ but especially young women, that’s kind of the scary part—how good he is at active manipulation and making you feel like he’s never felt this way about anybody. He quickly grooms you in the relationship. He kind of captivates you and while being charming he’s grooming you for these things that are darker and heavier and consuming. When I say consuming, I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, just everything.”

Vucekovish says Armie became obsessive, spending three weeks by her side 24/7, and when they weren’t together, he texted her 100 times a day. She calls him “the most broken” person she’s ever met, constantly drinking and doing drugs and putting her in very dangerous situations:

“You end up doing things that are very out-of-character for you, including sex acts.”

But Vucekovich won’t go into specifics about the sex, because she doesn’t want the lurid details to overshadow how Hammer’s emotional abuse affected her. She says their relationship was like “drowning in this dark hole trying to stay afloat” and that after they split, she began having panic attacks, struggled to breathe, and eventually checked into a 30-day hospitalization program for PTSD and trauma.

Armie’s reps didn’t respond to requests for comment on Vucekovich’s story but he did apologize to the Miss Cayman pageant saying the ‘stolen’ photo of the woman in his bed on all fours waiting for ‘Daddy’ was not Miss Cayman.

I guess I need to get that eraser out …

Note to the world: there’s a new opening on the Husband-In-My-Head List. ALLEGED cannibals need not apply.

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Wendy Williams had been dealing with a lot for a while … her husband’s new baby with another woman … her divorce … her sobriety issues … and now the death of her mother, Shirley, and fight with her brother, Tommy.

It seems that Tommy has been dragging Wendy on social media, saying she din’t ven bother to go to her mother’s funeral. He says Wendy made an appearance at the with her son, and then spilled the tea that even Wendy’s ex-husband, Kevin Hunter Sr., attended the burial:

“What makes somebody not go to their mother’s funeral? I don’t understand not giving a salute to the one person who was always there and showed you support. I don’t get how you can just move on and act like nothing happened.”

Well, Wendy heard about this and, as Wendy does, went in for the jugular:

“I was just searching to see what people had to say about last week’s shows or the dresses or the guests we had … I’m minding my own  business and I’m seeing a lot of comments about “you’re brother doesn’t like you” or “you better watch your back because your brother is on one’ or “Wendy, I can’t believe you’re this kind of person.”

Okay, not so bad. Perhaps Wendy learned to take the high road, except:

“Tommy, let me tell you something right now—all you are is my brother. You better stop talking the way you’re talking because now it’s dripping into my comment page… He’s pegging me to be a person I am not. Honey, you don’t want me to start pegging you to be the person that you are—with full-blown receipts. I could fill the audience with receipts with the leftovers all the way around the block … You are my brother, let’s keep it that way. If you want to talk on the internet then you talk about the things that you think you know about yourself. You don’t want to talk about the things I know about you … for sure… By the way, do you like my dress, Tommy?”

Wendy then rubbed the fur sleeves on her dress and said:

“Tommy would love a dress like this.”

There you have it. Wendy didn’t like being called out and so she suggested her brother is maybe gay … and seemed to suggest that's a bad thing, or something to be ashamed of ... or likes to wear women’s clothes?

Oh, Wendy, why can’t you ever just keep your mouth shut and save us from your dirty laundry?

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We don’t hear much about Russell Crowe lately, but when we do, it’s kinda funny.

This story involves his 2003 film Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, and in full disclosure, I have never seen it. Apparently it’s about ships and the old days and Russell being a commander?

Yeah, I’ll pass, and according to one Ian McNabb, of the UK, it’s a great film … for napping. Ian took to Twitter with this:

“Lots of folk complaining about lack of sleep during the Pandemic. May I recommend Master And Commander starring the usually captivating, attention-grabbing Russell Crowe. I've never made it past the ten minute mark. You're welcome. And thanks Russell.”

Well, Russell turned all Wendy Williams on Ian and Tweeted:

“That’s the problem with kids these days. No focus. Peter Weirs film is brilliant. An exacting, detail oriented, epic tale of fidelity to Empire & service, regardless of the cost. Incredible cinematography by Russell Boyd & a majestic soundtrack. Definitely an adults movie.”

Ouch. Age-shamming, Russell? Trouble is, Ian is a grown-assed man and a UK film critic, who Tweeted back:

“Thanks Russell. I'm 60 but I get your point. Love Unhinged. Greetings from Liverpool, Ian.”

Of note is that the “kid” Russell was coming for is actually older than Russell.

Perhaps we can get Wendy and Russell in the same Take Your Spats Into Private accountability group?

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Biden: Day One

On his first day in office, President Joe Biden signed the most sweeping and substantive executive order regarding LGBTQ+ rights in U.S. history, implementing the SCOTUS ruling in two cases that the last administration’s Department of Justice had failed to properly apply.

The US Supreme Court ruled in June ruled by a vote of 6-3 that LGBTQ+ people are protected under federal employment discrimination laws, specifically Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, in cases involving whether someone can be fired from their job for being gay or transgender.

Day One, and now millions of LGBTQ+ Americans can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that their President and their government believe discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity is not only intolerable but illegal. And, by fully implementing the SCOTUS ruling, the federal government will enforce federal law to protect LGBTQ+ people from discrimination in employment, health care, housing, and education, and other key areas of life.

To be fair, implementation of the Executive Order across the federal government will take time, but equality is happening, y’all.

And the march goes on …

Dick of the Week: Ted Cruz

Capitol insurrection inciter, Harvard Law School Graduate, GOP Texas Senator,  Ted Cruz waited about thirty seconds after the inauguration to slam President Biden in a Tweet for signing an executive order committing the United States to the Paris Climate Accord:

“By rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement, President Biden indicates he’s more interested in the views of the citizens of Paris than in the jobs of the citizens of Pittsburgh. This agreement will do little to affect the climate and will harm the livelihoods of Americans.”

Now, most people with a brain—something lacking in Cruz—realize that the Parid Climate Agreement has as much to do with the citizens of Paris as of anywhere else in the world, and is only called the Paris accord because that’s where it was signed.

And Democrat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who never shies away from correcting the incorrect, quickly schooled Teddy:

“Nice tweet Sen. Cruz! Quick question: do you also believe the Geneva Convention was about the views of the citizens of Geneva? Asking for everyone who believes US Senators should be competent and not undermine our elections to incite insurrection against the United States.”

And then CNN’s Jake Tapper pointed out Cruz’s hypocrisy in suddenly caring about Pittsburgh’s citizens after spending the last few months trying to disenfranchise Pennsylvania’s voters:

“After voting to disenfranchise the entire commonwealth of Pennsylvania based on lies and conspiracy theories, Cruz expresses concern for the citizens of Pittsburgh.”

Cruz has since remained quiet, which is a good thing.

I Didn't Say It ...

Amanda Gorman, America’s youngest Poet Laureate, reading “The Hill We Climb” at the inauguration of President Joe Biden:

“When day comes we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade? The loss we carry, a sea we must wade. We’ve braved the belly of the beast, we’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace and the norms and notions of what just is, isn’t always justice. And yet the dawn is ours before we knew it, somehow we do it, somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn’t broken but simply unfinished.

We, the successors of a country and a time where a skinny black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president only to find herself reciting for one. And, yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine, but that doesn’t mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect, we are striving to forge a union with purpose, to compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and conditions of man.

So we lift our gazes not to what stands between us, but what stands before us. We close the divide because we know to put our future first, we must first put our differences aside. We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another, we seek harm to none and harmony for all.

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: that even as we grieved, we grew, even as we hurt, we hoped, that even as we tired, we tried, that we’ll forever be tied together victorious, not because we will never again know defeat but because we will never again sow division.

Scripture tells us to envision that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree and no one should make them afraid. If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade, but in in all of the bridges we’ve made.

That is the promise to glade, the hill we climb if only we dare it because being American is more than a pride we inherit, it’s the past we step into and how we repair it. We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it. That would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy, and this effort very nearly succeeded. But while democracy can periodically be delayed, but it can never be permanently defeated.

In this truth, in this faith, we trust, for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us, this is the era of just redemption we feared in its inception we did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour but within it we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves, so while once we asked how can we possibly prevail over catastrophe, now we assert how could catastrophe possibly prevail over us.

We will not march back to what was but move to what shall be, a country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free, we will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation, our blunders become their burden. But one thing is certain: if we merge mercy with might and might with right, then love becomes our legacy and change our children’s birthright.

So let us leave behind a country better than the one we were left, with every breath from my bronze, pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one, we will rise from the golden hills of the West, we will rise from the windswept Northeast where our forefathers first realized revolution, we will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the Midwestern states, we will rise from the sunbaked South, we will rebuild, reconcile, and recover in every known nook of our nation in every corner called our country our people diverse and beautiful will emerge battered and beautiful, when the day comes we step out of the shade aflame and unafraid, the new dawn blooms as we free it, for there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.”

Brava!

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Bobservations

We have become friends with a woman who opened a restaurant in Camden. The food is fabulous and it’s a cute funky little place called The Loopy Lemon. They just started serving brunch on the weekends, so I said to Carlos last Saturday:

“You wanna go to The Loopy Lemon for brunch tomorrow? They open at 11AM?”
“That would be lovely.”

“They make a Sake Bloody Mary topped with Grilled Shrimp. Yum.”

“Sake?”

“Sake!”

“Well, I’ll make pancakes for breakfast …”

“Breakfast? You don’t have breakfast at 9AM and then go to Bruch at 11AM! This is going on my blog …”

He then began shrieking like a Karen about his constitutional rights.

I seriously hope he’s only thinking of the dog. I mean, he wouldn’t want to quarantine without me, would he? I’m worried …

While protecting the First DaughterWife and her Eunuch Husband at their DC mansion, Secret Service agents were told they were not allowed to use any of the half-dozen bathrooms inside the couple’s house.

After resorting to a porta-potty, as well as bathrooms at the nearby home of former president Barack Obama and the not-so-nearby residence of Vice President Pence, the agents finally found a toilet to call their own.

The US government rented a basement studio apartment near the Kushner house just so the Secret Service agents guarding these two criminals could have a bathroom; at a cost of $3,000 a month—more than $100,000 to date.

Cuz Jarvanka didn’t want them using their bathrooms.

Joe Biden has appointed South Carolina’s Jaime Harrison, the former South Carolina Democratic Party chair and 2020 candidate for Senator, to lead the DNC and to lead the Democrats through the what might be a tumultuous 2022 midterms.

I like Jaime, I do, but when I think of all that Stacey Abrams did to get Democrats out to vote and flip Georgia from Red to Blue, I’m kinda sad Joe didn’t put her in that position.

Hopefully he offers her something better.

Alex Azar, the Health and Human Services Secretary, resigned earlier this week, citing the violent Capitol riot. Azar will leave his post in January 20 … when Joel Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States.

How is that resigning? I mean, he’s staying on until what would have been his last day anyway. It’s not a resignation if you stay on the ship until it finally sinks beneath the surface of the ocean.

Remember when Rudy Giuliani ranted, wrongly, that provisional ballots were responsible for massive amounts of voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election?

Turns out this dimwit voted by provisional ballot in that election. He’s that dumb. 

Ralph Lauren has dropped its seven-year sponsorship of golfer Justin Thomas after Thomas responded to missing a putt at the Sentry Tournament of Champions in Hawaii by yelling the word “faggot.” Thomas later apologized:

“It’s inexcusable. First off I just apologize. There’s no excuse. I’m a grown man. There’s absolutely no reason for me to say anything like that. … I deeply apologize to everybody and anybody who I offended and I’ll be better because of it.”

Ralph Lauren released a statement:

“At the Ralph Lauren Corporation, we believe in the dignity of all people, regardless of age, race, gender identity, ethnicity, political affiliation or sexual orientation. This is part of our longstanding commitment to foster cultures of belonging—in the workplace and in communities around the world. We are disheartened by Mr. Thomas’s recent language, which is entirely inconsistent with our values. While we acknowledge that he has apologized and recognizes the severity of his words, he is a paid ambassador of our brand and his actions conflict with the inclusive culture that we strive to uphold. In reflecting on the responsibility we have to all of our stakeholders, we have decided to discontinue our sponsorship of Mr. Thomas at this time.”

Good on Thomas for offering what felt like a real apology, but good on Ralph Lauren for showing there are consequences to what people say.

Cardinal Juan Sandoval Iñiguez of Mexico had a video of his posted to Facebook flagged when he stated that COVID vaccines were being used to implant satanic microchips in people.

Seriously.

There’s been a lot of talk from the right about Cancel Culture—given their lack of interest in prosecuting their president for his part in an insurrection—but most of us know that ‘cancel’ simply means ‘accountability’ for what you say and do.

And so it is with pride that I tell you that the Loews Miami Beach Hotel—where I once worked in the Events Department—announced that it will no longer be the venue for a planned fundraiser for Senator Josh Hawley:

“We are horrified and opposed to the events at the Capitol and all who supported and incited the actions. In light of those events and for the safety of our guests and team members, we have informed the host of the February fundraiser that it will no longer be held at Loews Hotels.”

Sounds like the hotel—like most of us—believe that Hawley’s objections to the election results contributed to the attack on the Capitol. And so they simply told Hawley, ”No.”

Good.

James Wilson, male model. He’s got a face for days, and looks hot bearded or even clean shaven.

He looks good fully dressed, or just a jacket and briefs, but when he’s stripping off some coveralls…? And then into the tub …?

Just sayin’.

It's A New Day ... Plus Michelle Was Fierce!

#BeBestBeGone

Well, here we are, the last morning of our long nightmare. A new day dawns, and I have a folder full of memes and photos about that last president. So, I thought I’d give ‘em all one last airing before they went on the trash heap. I would also like to say that, if we are diligent, and we vote and we speak up, and we make sure this kind of mess never happens again, that I will be doing my best to never say the name _____ on this blog again.

As AM might say:

GAYmen!

Or, she might say:

FUCK THE MAGATS!!!

Either way, goodbye _____. I hope you enjoy your remaining years as the worst president in history;, the stain on this country, the prime example of who not to elect; as the racist, rapist, transphobe, homophobe, misogynist, criminal, conman, traitor, tyrant, despot loving, military hating, anti-veteran, murderer of 400,000+ Americans, morally and financially bankrupt asshat. Take your nude model soon-to=-be ex-wife your criminal daughter, your lying eunuch son-in-law, your coke-addled son, and The Dumb One, and leave.

May your future, and that of your entire family,  be as bleak as what you did to this country.

Now, kindly fuck all the way off, and let the grownups fix your mess.

And finally, a note to America: