Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Funny Papers

Pat Bagley, Ed Wexler, Mike Smith, Mike Luckovich, Nick Anderson, Rick McKee, RJ Matson, David Fitzsimmons, Monte Wolverton, Clay Bennett

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Like a certain president, Harvey Weinstein does not know when to shut his piehole and simply read the prepared statement. He’s now claiming #FakeNews to a story that he admitted to giving women roles in his films in exchange for sex. But if you listen to his story, he kinda admits it’s true:

“I was born poor, ugly, Jewish and had to fight all my life to get somewhere … no girl looked at me until I made it big in Hollywood. Yes I did offer them acting jobs in exchange for sex, but so did and still does everyone. But I never, ever forced myself on a single woman.”

He doesn’t seem to get it that telling a woman she has to allow you to get naked and put your cheese-filled body on top of hers and rub your wee willie into her nether regions so she can act in one of your films is kinda forcing a woman to do that very thing; especially when you throw in that “You’ll never work in this town again” business.

The moral: Harvey Weinstein is a pig who’s yet to realize he’s a pig.

Maybe prison will help?

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Remember when it was rumored that Ewan McGregor was bumping uglies with his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead? And then Ewan admitted he was cheating on his wife? And then he and Mary Elizabeth went public with their affair? And then Winstead broke things off because the press called her a “homewrecker” which is what you call someone who has an affair with a married person and, ahem, wrecks their home? And then Ewan filed for divorce from Eve Mavrakis, his wife of 22 years, and Winstead decided that she wouldn’t be labeled a “homewrecker” any more and went back to Ewan.

Well, Ewan’s 22-year-old daughter, Clara, that’s her up there coming between the lovebirds, decided that Winstead should still wear the Scarlet A and has been trolling the actress on social media. Clara sipped some tea and then dashed over to an Instagram fan page for Mary Elizabeth and commented:

“Most beautiful and talented woman on earth? … Oh man y’all are delusional. The girl is a piece of trash…x”.

I love the little ‘x’ at the end because it says so much more than ‘kisses’.

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It looks like the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps should have gone to Not Being A Terrible Mother Rehab after she got out of Drunk In Public Rehab.

Luann is now being sued by her ex-husband, Still-A-Count Alexandre de Lesseps and their two children, Victoria and Noel. The three claim that as part of the 2009 divorce settlement, Luann was supposed to have set up a trust for the kids, and when she sold the family home in Water Mill was to put half that money in the trust.

But they say Luann kept the cash for herself … because booze and lawyers don’t come cheap.

Maybe I spoke too soon? The minute I finished writing that snark, I learned that the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps has checked herself back into rehab and will not be at the Real Housewives reunion.

Luann, who has also been accused this month of having an affair with her married manager, will be absent from the show, leaving former foe, former frenemy, and current bestie Bethenny “Never One To Stop Talking” Frankel to speak for her—apparently Frankel has added spokesperson to the SkinnyGirl empire:

“This weekend, Luann was surrounded by her girlfriends and decided—with their support—that in light of recent circumstances, it is the healthiest choice for her not to attend Tuesday’s reunion taping so that she can continue in her healing process. Luann is now surrounded by a core group of people who truly have her best interests at heart and who are working to make sure she gets the help she needs.”

That’s mighty brave … of Bethenny. I mean, it was an entire paragraph and she didn’t mention her contentious divorce, her custody battle, her dead friendship with Carole, or SkinnyGirl, even once.

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Last week, Blake Shelton was performing in concert and announced to the crowd that his guitarist had embarrassed himself in front of 200,000 people by playing the wrong song.

Then, as Shelton does, he embarrassed himself because he fell onstage; he didn’t trip, y’all, he just tumbled. And then said:

“And yes I had been drinking. A lot…”

Boy, I love spending my hard-earned coins from my job as a Walmart greeter to plunk down a hundred bucks to see some drunk guy fall down onstage. I mean, why not save some cash, buy a fifth of bourbon, play Blake’s music in my living room and drink till I pass out.

It’d be the same thing. Amirite?

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I’ve often said I’d marry Matt Lauer just so I could walk away a multi-millionaire when he gets caught being a sexual predator, but that bitch Annette Roque beat me to the punch.

Last I heard, Annette was said to be walking away from Pervy Lauer with four of the family homes and cash winnings of $20 million. Well, the divorce is settled, and it appears that Annette has won $50 million in cash and prizes … a horse farm, a house in the Hamptons, two other homes, and over $25 million in unmarked bills.

The best news? Lauer is said to be furious about the deal because Annette is getting half of his estimated fortune of $100 million.

Oh, Matty, you should’a kept your dick in your pants, your mouth shut and your hands to yourself. Ass.

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This is filed under the You Knew What You Were Getting When You Started Dating a Kardastrophe, AKA the Stop Acting Stoopid file.

Younes Bendjima, Kourtney Kardastrophe’s boyfriend, got his panties in a bunch when he began taking a stroll through his media whore girlfriend’s social media pages and discovered Kourtney loves to show her ass on the internet.

And.He.Was.Shocked. He saw the photo and commented:

“That’s what you need to show to get likes?”

No, that’s what she needs to show so That Woman will cut her a check every month because her only job is as a social media nude model.

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And lastly, let’s end with one of the dumbest people I’ve ever heard of: Wiz Khalifa.

Apparently, he was on some chat show and said that a straight man should never eat a whole banana in public because it’s “sus,” meaning “suspect”, meaning it looks like he has a dick in his mouth.

Seriously. Um, Wiz, eating a banana whole does not make you gay. Taking a banana and shoving it up your ass might mean your gay, though, so be careful about that. M’kay?

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Friday, July 20, 2018

I Didn't Say It ....

Barack Obama, former great President, took on 45 without ever saying his name … like he’s Voldemort or something:

“You have to believe in facts. Without facts, there’s no basis for cooperation. If I say this is a podium and you say this is an elephant, it’s going to be hard for us to cooperate … I can’t find common ground if people say climate change is just not happening when almost all the world’s scientists tell us it is. I don’t know where to start talking to you about this. If you start saying it’s an elaborate hoax … where do we start? Unfortunately, too much of politics today seems to reject the very concept of objective truth. People just make stuff up. They just make stuff up … We see the utter loss of shame among political leaders where they’re caught in a lie and they just double down and they lie some more.”

Snap.

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John McCain, on the traitor’s Treason Summit:

“Today’s press conference in Helsinki was one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory. The damage inflicted by President _____’s naiveté, egotism, false equivalence, and sympathy for autocrats is difficult to calculate. But it is clear that the summit in Helsinki was a tragic mistake. President _____ proved not only unable, but unwilling to stand up to Putin. He and Putin seemed to be speaking from the same script as the president made a conscious choice to defend a tyrant against the fair questions of a free press, and to grant Putin an uncontested platform to spew propaganda and lies to the world.

…

No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant. Not only did President Trump fail to speak the truth about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to defend all that makes us who we are—a republic of free people dedicated to the cause of liberty at home and abroad. American presidents must be the champions of that cause if it is to succeed. Americans are waiting and hoping for President Trump to embrace that sacred responsibility. One can only hope they are not waiting totally in vain.”

To paraphrase: I like presidents who aren’t traitors.

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Richard Burr, Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman, on the Treason Summit:

“The Senate Intelligence Committee has reviewed the 2017 IC assessment and found no reason to doubt its conclusion that President Putin ordered an influence campaign aimed at the 2016 U.S. elections with the goal of undermining faith in our democratic process. Russia has conducted a coordinated cyberattack on state election systems, and hacked critical infrastructure. They have used social media to sow chaos and discord in our society. They have beaten and harassed U.S. diplomats and violated anti-proliferation treaties. Any statement by Vladimir Putin contrary to these facts is a lie and should be recognized as one by the President. Vladimir Putin is not our friend and never has been. Nor does he want to be our friend. His regime’s actions prove it. We must make clear that the United States will not tolerate hostile Russian activities against us or our allies.”

And yet _____ bends over for Putin.

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Rudy Giuliani, naturally praising the traitor:

“I don’t know what it would have accomplished if Trump said, ‘I believed Putin did it.’ I don’t think we need to call Putin a liar. As far as I know there’s nothing showing that Putin knew about it. We just assume Putin knew something.”

Standing with traitors. That’s Rudy.

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Chuck Schumer, Democratic Senator from New York, on the traitor:

“What, if anything, will Congress do in response to this awful trip? Where are our Republican colleagues … who know in their heart that the president is giving away the store to Vladimir Putin? … A single, ominous question now hangs over the White House: what could possibly cause President _____ to put the interests of Russia over those of the United States? Millions of Americans will continue to wonder if the only possible explanation for this dangerous behavior is the possibility that President Putin holds damaging information over President _____.”

It's the Pee Tape, I tell you, it’s the Pee Tape.

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Lindsey Graham, goose-stepping GOP Senator from South Carolina … and I’m sorry about that … on the soccer ball Vlad gave to his Little Bitch at the Treason Summit:

“Finally, if it were me, I’d check the soccer ball for listening devices and never allow it in the White House.”

Yes, Miss Lindsey has nothing to say about an American president siding with Russia over his own country, because he’s creating a soccer ball conspiracy.

Girl, Bye.

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Neil Cavuto, FOX Business host, to one of his guest who said the Treason Summit was _____’s chance to go after Putin for hacking the election:

“But he didn’t. And that’s what made it disgusting, that’s what made his performance disgusting. I’m sorry, it’s the only way I feel. It’s not a right or left thing to me, it’s just wrong. A US president on foreign soil talking to our biggest enemy, or adversary, or competitor … is essentially letting the guy get away with this and not even offering a mild criticism. That sets us back a lot. “I don’t think you get a second chance to make a good first impression at a stage and venue like this… I just found that Vladimir Putin appeared to run circles around the President and get him to buy––that is the guy standing next to him hook line and sinker––every single sneaky lie and misstatement he has made on this matter.”

Let’s be clear: _____ is Putin’s bitch, and that was made clear in Helsinki.

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Paul Ryan, _____’s bitch boy, on the Treason Summit:

“There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.”

So, you believe Russia interfered with the election, and yet you stand by and kiss the ass of the man who benefited from that?

Sit down, you pandering, lying, hypocritical fuck.

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Rachel Maddow, on the president … for now … siding with Russia over America:

“Things are at a boil, things are going fast now. This is a time when everybody needs to pay attention. There is no explicable scenario for any of those things, unless you are willing to believe the worst. For everything that we have been through as a country, for every kind of trial and challenge and intrigue and embarrassment and scandal that we have been through as a nation, we haven’t ever had to reckon with the possibility that somebody has ascended to the presidency of the United States to serve the interests of another country rather than our own. What’s the corrective to that? How do you remedy that? These are no longer hypothetical questions. … And if the president did that today because he has some reason to serve that other country rather than our own, then a lot that has previously been inexplicable is now explicable. And that’s the worst case scenario. And, deep breath, it means that we are going to have to come to terms with this as a country. And we’re going to have to come to terms with what we need to do next as a country to fix this. And in order to do that, the blinders have to come off. We have to be real.”

The blinders come off and you cast a goddamned vote to get Democrats in office because, especially now, after Helsinki, it’s clear the GOP will do nothing about _____.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

Bobservations

July 27, 2016, _____, campaigning for the presidency:

"Russia, if you're listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing."

That same day, Russian operatives targeted Clinton campaign emails "for the first time."

That’s all.

Now for some funny _____ … have you heard about the Fuck You _____ Brooch Play by Queen Elizabeth? I mean, we all know she barely gave him a minute, but she also showed, and shared her disdain for the man in her jewelry choices.

We know that the Queen cares about the details, and how symbolism is in the details. But maybe, maybe, the Queen was also being a little shady …. See, on the day _____ arrived in the UK, QEII wore a beautiful vintage green flower brooch—which just so happened to be a gift to her from former President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle.

Then, on _____’s last day in the UK, the Queen donned the Sapphire Jubilee Brooch— iven to her just last year as a special gift from Canada in what some see as a show of support for Canada and Justin Trudeau, who has suffered constant criticism from _____.

And there’s more …. royal-level state dinners are at invitation of the head of state, and normally Queen Elizabeth offers the invitation, but this time she did not. In addition, the dinner was held at Blenheim, the only actual palace in England not owned by the Anglican Church or the Royal Family.

Basically, Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t allow Don and Melanie in her house.

Shade.

Fans of Downton Abbey—and, yeah, that’s me—can rejoice: a feature film of the hugely successful TV series has been confirmed after much speculation and the original cast, all of them … at least the ones who didn’t die during the series … will return.

The Dowager Countess on the big screen? I’m in.

Vice President Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence grew up in Columbus, Indiana, where his father built an empire of some 200 gas stations under the Kiel Bros. Oil Co. banner.

In 2004, that company collapsed and now Pence’s beloved Indiana—and Kentucky and Illinois—are on the hook for millions of dollars to clean up more than 85 contaminated sites in those states, including underground tanks that leaked toxic chemicals into soil, streams and wells.

If Pence can do that to Indiana and just walk away, what would he do to America if he ever took charge?

Impeach _____, then impeach Pence.

Ryan Murphy’s NYC ball scene series Pose has been renewed for Season 2; the show made history by assembling the largest transgender cast and crew of any show ever.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s pretty good, both at the balls and the look back at the early days of AIDS in this country, as well as the coming out experience, and the need for many in our community to create their own families.

Oh Deplorables, looks like your man is gonna cost you more coins for those hideous hats.

Those tariffs _____ imposed on products could double the price of the MAGA hats.

Still, that wouldn’t have happened if the hats were Made in America.

And please, Deplorables, note the irony of a Make America Great Again hat made in China.

I mean, if Deplorables could read …

In Racism Valet News… Camilla Hudson wanted to use a manufacturer’s coupon at CVS in Chicago last weekend, but the manager, who said he’d never seen such a coupon before, called the police on her.

Yes. He did. The manager, identified as Morry Matson, a Republican running for 48th Ward alderman.

Yes. He is. Now add that to the list of things black people in America cannot do in the Age of _____: redeem a coupon.

PS Matson is a gay man, so, you know, I’d like the Toaster Oven and copy of the Gay Agenda returned to HOMO HQ.

PPS He’s been fired!

My Husband In My Head, Armie Hammer was on The Late Show to chat with Stephen Colbert about his new Broadway play, Straight White Men, and the chat turned, as it should, to Call Me By Your Name. And Armie told Colbert that fans keep giving him peaches because, in the film, Armie, um, pleasures himself with a peach.

Lucky fruit.

Anyway, Hammer says nearly every night as he leaves the theater he gets handed at least one peach to autograph. He says most people don’t intend to eat the peaches, or use them the way they do in the film, but he says the fans say they’re going to “put that peach on a shelf…and in ten days it’s going to putrefy and their entire place it’s going to be full of fruit flies.”

Colbert remarked that it might be like an art installation, to which Hammer replied:

“Yeah. Watch it wither like Donald Trump’s presidency.”

Hot. Tall. Hot. And he hates _____? I couldn’t be more turned on by him.

Just sayin’.

Plus, any chance to show a photo of Armie ...especially with his shirt off.

Yum,

Cal Poly has rescinded the wrestling scholarship of Bronson Harmon, according to a school Athletic Director Don Oberhelman. Oberhelman did not comment on the reason Harmon’s scholarship was revoked, but the move came just three days after video surfaced of Harmon yelling a “Fuck you faggot” and offering an obscene gesture at a participant of the Families Belong Together March in Modesto.

Harmon can be seen in one video walking with his father Todd Harmon and a friend carrying a sign that reads “Donald Trump 2020”. Earlier in the video, Todd Harmon can be heard yelling “Send them back!” as he walks down the street.

Harmon now says:

“Saying what I said is definitely not the right thing. I am supposed to be there to help the community, be the best person I can be and represent the college the best way I can, but I still feel like my freedom of speech was taken away and I don’t think my scholarship should have been revoked over something like that.”

Honey, you have the right to Free Speech and the school has the right to end your scholarship because your speech is offensive, homophobic, hate-filled and stupid. But then you racist Daddy taught you well.

Good luck at community college, dick.

I was struck by several hot men of late … first up, top left, is Ramon Rodrigues who plays Allison’s new love interest, Ben Cruz in Showtime’s The Affair; hot Latino? You know it.

Then there’s Ross Lynch, top right, who played Jeffrey Dahmer, in My Friend Dahmer; I don’t usually find serial killers hot, but this guy, well, he didn’t really kill anyone.

Bottom right is Taron Egerton, from the Kingsman movies; he plays a young lad, but he’s older and hotter with a rockin’ bod; plus, British and stuff.

Lastly, whilst perusing HGTV, I came across Brett Phillips, bottom left, who has a show called Home to Last with his wife; I was able to ignore her and concentrate on this hot pocket man.

You know how I am.