Sunday Funnies

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It looks like Tom Cruise has finally found Wife 4.0, AKA the Future Ex Missus Cruise.

The big rumor in the spring was that Tom was being pursued by Sports Illustrated model Jessica White but nothing ever came of that; maybe because she, like the last two Missus Cruise’s, is taller than Tiny Tom and he was done having to look up to his wives as they ditched him. So, now comes word that he’s dating actress, and, of course, fellow Scientologist, Laura Prepon.

Tom is rumored to have asked out the former That 70s Show and current Orange Is The New Black star because he’s um, long been ”fascinated” by her. Translation: she’s been thoroughly vetted by CoS. Plus, she’s rumored to be good friends with John “Groper” Travolta and his beard wife Kelly Preston, so Tom can shore up John’s flagging image as a heterosexual while he helps make himself look like a man who can stayed married for more than a decade at a time.

Just sayin’.

Last year Justin Timberlake was bringing sexy back, and this year Kanye West is bringing crazy back.

His latest target? Louis Vuitton. In a radio interview he commanded that people boycott KV, saying, “Everybody in New York City right now, don’t buy any Louis Vuitton until after January.” 

Apparently Kanye his big boy pants in a twist because Yves Carcelle, the head of LV, refused to meet with Kanye when he was in Paris.

Seriously? Sit.Down.

Wanna hear something highlarious?

After Kim Kardastrophe appeared in her Crazy Baby Daddy’s video “Bound 2” her mamma, and famewhore, Kris Jenner exploded.

Too bad it wasn’t a literal; explosion, but I digress.

Kris Jenner went “ballistic” when she first saw her Kash Kow topless in Kanye’s newest “video” while simulating … excuse me while I gag … sex. She says the video is destroying Kim’s … excuse me while I howl with laughter … credibility.

Funny, though, Kris didn’t think a sex tape that Kim made with Ray J, that Kris then hustled around to various porn sites for sale, would hurt Kim’s credibility.

Pot.Kettle.Kris.

Meanwhile, at the Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller mess …

When last we left them, Brooke has sort-of regained custody of her four year-old boys with Charlie, after her brother stepped up as guardian, and after Denise Richards told the Department of Child and Family Services that she could no longer care for the twins, who had become unmanageable.

Charlie declared war on Brooke and DCFS, without offering another solution for Max and Bob beyond going back to stay with their mom. So it’s sad, and there are little options left for two vulnerable boys. And last week Brooke called the police with allegations that Denise Richards had abused the boys and Denise’s own daughters though Denise hadn’t seen Brooke’s boys for weeks.

Sounds like Brooke is back on the pipe. So what should Charlie do?

He’s going to sell her house out from under her.

Again, heterosexuals always make the best parents so keep The Gays from having children.

We haven’t seen or heard much from Lindsay Lohan lately, which is probably good for her, but no fun for me because I love Lohan Dish.

So, here’s some …

Since she can’t find a job — and I don’t count Oprah’s reality show docu-series a real job — Lindsay’s doing what she does second best; she’s suing folks.

Lohan is suing  ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ claiming video game makers have high-jacked her image without her permission and she is demanding Rockstar Games pay her big bucks for that.

BTW ... this is the image that Lohan says is her …..

Seriously? Lindsay is the new Kanye. Kray-Zay!

And since we started with Tom Cruise let's end with Tom Cruise.

That's a picture of Tom at the premiere of his good buddy Ben Stiller's new film, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

What's the big deal you say?

Google both men and you'll discover that they are both five-feet-seven-inches tall and yet Tiny Tom appears much taller than Stiller.

Those are some hard working lifts in the Little Man Shoes.

PR All-St★rs 3, Ep 6: Cartoon Couture

I kinda get the feeling that they’re scraping the bottom of the Idea barrel when the challenge is to create a dress that will be animated for a cartoon show. I mean, why not just have the designers make a Date Night Dress? Why’s it gotta be for a cartoon character?

But this week we get Marge Simpson — and she is intro’d as the “matriarch of arguably the most influential TV family [The Simpson’s] of all time.” M’kay; maybe.  And the designtestants must create a dress for Marge to wear on a special dinner date with Homer.

And the dress can’t be green because Marge has worn green for the last quarter century; oh, and it needs to compliment yellow skin … and blue hair … and look good as a cartoon.

Let’s rip ….

THE SAFE

VIKTOR

It’s a typical Viktor dress. 

It's made very well, and completely finished, though I can’t stop thinking that the straight pins have been left it along the bustline and the neckline.

Still, he’s safe and after last week’s Bottom Showing — now wouldn’t that have made an entirely different show? — he’s happy to be Middle of the Road.

THE BOTTOM THREE

CHRISTOPHER

Christopher struggled because Marge isn’t a real person. So he instantly thought of another iconic not-real person, Doris Day, and made a floral print strapless, but belted, dress with a large asymmetrical poof off the side.

WHAT I SAID

Well, it does look like something Doris Day would wear. To lunch. Sixty years ago. It’s a meh.

WHAT THEY SAID

“I really love the color of this dress. I love the pattern. I love the belt. I love her hair. I love how I styled it.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Alyssa thought it looked like a sarong—or did she mean it was So wrong—and seemed better suited to Vacation Marge; she loathed the fabric. Isaac asked that the belt be removed and said he loved it without the belt because it made the dress seem “less old,” though the way it puckered and bubbled and buckled was a bit off. Ow. "It doesn’t look like I’ve seen it a hundred times, only about fifty.” Ow. Guest judge and designer Stacey Bendet did love the print, though. Fellow guest judge, and PR alum, Anthony Ryan Auld questioned Christopher’s taste level.

WHAT HAPPENED

He’s safe.

SETH AARON

Seth Aaron struggled alongside Christopher, though his struggles produced a hundred dresses—okay, maybe just six. He started out good, then drifted deep in to cartoon-y and ended up on simple. Too.Simple.

WHAT I SAID

It looked like, at the very last second, exhausted from creating fiver other looks, he tossed some fabric over a model and belted it. I could’a belted him for boring me.

WHAT THEY SAID

“It’s a perfectly beautiful gown. It sells in every store, everywhere. When I’m at that level, I’m dangerous and I’m at that level now.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Alyssa loved the color but said it was nothing new—like she’d seen it in “every store, everywhere”? Anthony Ryan agreed that the color was the only saving grace, and called it lazy. Guest judge, actress Abigail Breslin, though, liked it, though she thought it too formal. Stacey liked the color, too, but thought it looked too rushed, with no attention to detail or construction. She did like the back, and Anthony Ryan said maybe the model should have walked backwards. Isaac was annoyed that Seth Aaron kind of said that Midwestern housewives wear simple [boring] clothes. "That's the dress of fear, to me," he told Seth Aaron.

WHAT HAPPENED

He’s surprisingly safe.

JEFFREY

After last week’s win—and I still don’t get that—Jeffrey says he got his groove back.

Cue ominous drumming ….

WHAT I SAID

I loathe a mullet dress. I thought the weird lapels looked badly sewn—unless it was the pucker fabric. And don’t get me started on the shoes.

WHAT THEY SAID

“I think my fabric choice is nice. The blue violet is the perfect complement to Marge’s skin tone and I love the copper and blush sparkle.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac thinks Jeffrey had trouble finding his muse this week, and he’s floundering. He absolutely hated the fabric and the whole look made him angry and sad. Stacey, though, loved the color palette and the pearls, but said it felt more "Boardwalk Empire" than “The Simpsons.” She also hated, hated, the shoes. Abigail liked the color and the pearls; high praise, you know. Alyssa thought Jeffrey was a really smart man, and said, “a smart man” should have known better.

WHAT HAPPENED

Three trips to the bottom, one win, and one more trip to the cellar and Jeffrey’s out.

THE TOP THREE

KORTO

If she said one more time how she was a housewife and knows what Marge wanted I was gonna tip my flatscreen over.

WHAT I SAID

Why one sleeve? I don’t get one sleeve on a sleeveless dress. I mean, if had been one-shoulder, well, okay, but one sleeve makes me think that either the jacket is slipping off or the dress is tipping over.

WHAT THEY SAID

“As a housewife [gag] going out to dinner with my husband, I’d want something I could be comfortable in.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Stacey loved the sparkle but felt it wasn’t quite Marge. Isaac loved it—really Isaac?—and called it easy and casual and underdressed. How is underdressed high praise? Do tell. He also loved the sheer inset on the lone sleeve. Anthony Ryan, a self-declared non-sparkle guy, loved Korto’s glittery fabric, and liked this dress the most, while Alyssa loved the funky hem; and Isaac agreed that in ten years that hemline will still look new.

WHAT HAPPENED

Always a housewife never a Top finisher. Korto’s safe.

ELENA

The giggles returned and, well, Elena put one foot outside the box this week by not making the same look she’s made every single week since the beginning of, no, not this season, since the beginning of time.

WHAT I SAID

How does a suit jacket—which really looks like armor, or, as Christopher said, a bulletproof vest—translate to Date Night? The dress was nice, nothing exciting, and the coat looked like something a woman’s date would give her to warm up on a cold walk home.

WHAT THEY SAID

“I’m very pleased with how everything came out. I love the drama of when she took off the jacket and the dress came out of it.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac called it fabulous, and totally Marge. He loved the jacket, but said it didn’t pair well at all with the dress. Anthony Ryan called it great, Abigail didn’t like the jacket. Alyssa, though, loved the jacket; especially the back. Stacey called it perfect, a no-brainer.

WHAT HAPPENED

Naturally, Elena, the one-trick monkey, is safe.

IRINA

She showed up this week. I mean, on film. After weeks of barely any screen time, this week we get an onslaught of Botox’d Irina, and Monotone Irina. So I knew it would be a win for her.

WHAT I SAID

It looks like a nightgown, over a tube dress festooned with glitter. It moves well, and I love a good purple, but it was too glamorous for a Simpson’s date night.

WHAT THEY SAID

“I am really happy with my look. I think it’s elegant. I think it’s sexy. I think it’s effortless.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac asked that the belt be removed and then declared he loved it belted and unbelted, something he’s never done before! He also said it would animate very well. Anthony Ryan also converted from a person who loathed tea length to a person who thought this was a perfect tea length. He thought it had joy and movement, but might be too dressy. Abigail called it gorgeous and loved the under-dress, while Stacey called it creative but too fancy for Marge. Alyssa loved the color.

WHAT HAPPENED

Irina gets her first win and you could almost see her face move with glee.

MY TAKE

I’ll give Marge credit for Line of the Night, with her reminder to the designers to take full advantage of the "Whoever's Sponsoring the Wall Now” accessory wall." High.Larious.

What is with Seth Aaron and his use of the word ‘rad'? Are we still in the 80s and no one told me? Plus, Seth Aaron? Honey? Skinny jeans? One needs skinny thighs for that look and you don’t have ‘em.

Oh, another thing. Seth Aaron? Honey? you should'a gone home this week for that ridiculously easy, no design, no creativity dress. Jeffrey's look, while hideous, at least showed design.

I kinda giggled when Anthony Ryan questioned Christopher’s taste level while sitting in a judge’s chair with a piece of electrical tape running over his head.

Still no Beautiful Georgina Chapman™? Bob.Not.Happy.

And either the producers are playing us, by making Elena the judge’s pet, or else they’re setting us up for a shocker when she gets eliminated right before The Tents. I mean, every week she does the same thing; sure this week’s dress was different, but she put on of her “trademark” patchwork, piecemeal, quilted coats on it.

What did YOU think?