Sunday Funnies

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Let’s start with the funny …

Kanye thinks Kim is the most important celebrity of all time; which is odd because he thinks the same thing of himself, so I wonder how that plays out at home.

I’m a bigger star!

No! I’m a bigger star!

No! I’m a bigger star!

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

But, since he’s said she’s the next Marilyn Monroe, is it any surprise that Kanye has cast the Kardastrophe in the film he’s writing — and hoping to direct — with American Psycho author Bret Easton Ellis?

And is it any surprise that this, um, for lack of a better word, ‘film’ is going to be based on the ‘Yeezus’ album; the, ahem, narrative of Kanye’s life.

Now the good news is that Kanye won’t be in the movie, but Kim’s ass will be there, in high-def, 3D IMAX, I’m guessing.

I love a good catfight. 

And I love a good catfight when one of the cats is Anna Wintour even more. And now it seems as though Giorgio Armani has a beef with Wintour, and he said so himself.

Armani slammed Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour after she was noticeably missing from the front row of his Fall 2014 Womenswear show during Milan Fashion Week, though he kinda did so without mentioning her by name because you know Wintour will cut a bitch:

“There are some who prefer to snub the Giorgio Armani show and go to Paris. She took an airplane, dumped Mr. Armani and went to Paris.”

And he goes on:

“Why should I always be the moron [translating from an Italian expletive] to be penalized because of a person, who, for better or for worse, like or dislike it, is powerful? I feel penalized. She said she was sending her people. But if you go to see your dentist and he puts you in the hands of his assistant, what’s your reaction? They told me, ‘She went to see the [Armani] Prive in Paris; she has no time to see the ready-to-wear in Milan.’ She is influential and powerful. But, perhaps, I’m influential as well.”

That last remark is taken as a not-so-veiled threat to pull all future Armani ads from Vogue.

I dare say that Armani has forgotten that the Devil wears Prada, and probably sat in the front row at that show.

And while we’re talking fashion and divas and catfights, we’d be remiss not to dish a little Naomi. Campbell, that is.

As many of you know, but probably don’t ever watch — I know I don’t — Naomi is the Head Diva on The Face, the knock-off of rival Tyra Banks’ America’s Next Top Model. Well, it seems that co-hosts and judges and mentors keep leaving the show in droves because spending even a minute in the same room with Naomi requires battle wages … according to a “source” who is whispering about Campbell’s diva behavior and the quirky beauty tricks she uses:

“She’s taping her face skin back, which makes it look tighter, and hiding the evidence with her fabulous wigs. She’s a monster. She fought with everyone on set. She’s now not allowing anyone to do her makeup. She was taught by Kevyn Aucoin and thinks she knows better than everyone. She gets upset with them, then does it herself.”

Taping her face? Oy.

But then there is her list of demands, like banning show staffers from saying Hello until she says it first, and yet she refuses to talk to anyone unless they’re filming. That may be why original mentors, models Coco Rocha and Karolina Kurkova, left after just one season.

I’m trying to think who scares me more. Wintour or Campbell. I think Naomi would hurl a phone at my head, but Wintour could have me killed.

Or at least give me a bad seat at a fashion show, which might be worse.

A while back, former Grey’s Anatomy star, Katherine Heigl was using Kickstarter to ask the public for their financial help to get her film, Jenny’s Wedding, off the ground.

Now, while that’s bad enough, and sad enough, because why should I pay a celebrity to make a move and then go pay $13 to see it, eh?

And what makes it worse is that now Heigl is whining to the press about how little money she’s made in the past several years — since she walked away from her hit TV show and into a failed film career — and how she has children to feed.

Oh, and here’s the best part; while she’s all over the place trying to raise $150,000 to complete her indie movie, she wants you to know that she won’t pay anything for the project because she has better things to do with her money.

I guess she already knows it’ll flop like nearly all her movies do and she doesn’t want to risk her coins.

Chris Brown says he’s been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD].

Yes he did.

Which you just know will be his excuse when he goes to trial for beating a fan in DC last year.

And he’s also saying he suffers from Bipolar disorder as well, and that’s the reason he stayed in anger management rehab beyond the original ninety days — though he first threw rocks at his mama’s car at the idea of a lengthy rehab.

But here’s the real deal: it wasn’t Chrissy’s idea, it was the judge’s order. His order also makes it clear that “[Brown] has responded well” to the treatment, though a probation officer said that Brown’s positive change in behavior “has occurred only recently”.

Like when he realized he might not get out.

So, Katy Perry is on a publicity tour to drum up business for her upcoming musical tour, after which she’ll probably do an interview tour where she talks about her musical tour.

Anyway, one of her main talking points was her notorious kiss with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s LA concert.

“I went to her show, which is amazing. It’s very colorful. She has this one part where it’s like a kiss cam. I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do, and then she like tried to move her head and go deeper, and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know. That tongue is so infamous!”

Funny. She goes up to kiss Miley, then kisses her, and then talks smack about the kiss.

It’s all a loop to keep your name in the news; do something even remotely shocking and then publicly discuss the hows and the whys of doing it.

Rather than, say, just not kissing Miley in the first place? But then where oh where would she get publicity? I mean, this is a woman who’s been banged by Russell Brand and John Mayer and she’s complaining  about Miley?

Uh huh.

So, Oksana Grigorieva banged Mel Gibson, had his child, and then sued him for money and called him a batterer and all that shiz.

I’m not saying it wasn’t true, but it does seem like Oksana had a plan all along.

Like being a celebrity. See, last Sunday night Oksana Grigorieva got all dressed up and went to the Vanity Fair Oscar party where she was stopped at the door and sent away.

I guess banging alcoholic anti-Semitic, homophobes doesn’t get you into A List parties like it did in the old days.

It seems that Chris Evans was not supposed to present at the Oscars on Sunday.

He showed up — asked at the last minute ALLEGEDLY — to present one of the night’s themed hero packages about superhero films, because Andrew Garfield, AKA Spiderman, pulled out that day.

Now, Garfield is saying that he  pulled out at the last minute because his girlfriend, Emma Stone, had a “longstanding family commitment” in Arizona. Now that seems kind of odd, because if it really was a longstanding commitment, why agree to appear at the Oscars at all?

Here’s the ALLEGEDLY real story:

Garfield was supposed to take the stage with Miles Scott — AKA Batkid after the city of San Francisco let him play superhero there — after the Academy y of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences made arrangements with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, to have Spiderman induct Batkid into the Superhero club.

Then in the middle of rehearsal,  with Batkid, Garfield decided he didn’t like his lines; he refused to go by the scrip and came up with his own lines. The producers felt the rewrites were not appropriate and ALLEGEDLY had a tantrum, stormed off and left Miles and his family shocked. The producers decided to cut the superhero initiation, but they paid for Miles to go to Disneyland.

If it’s true, I bet Batkid had a better time at Disney, and Captain America was a lot hotter to look at than Spiderman.

So, last week That Woman pimped out her daughter, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe, one more time, to have Kim appear at a “pre-Oscar event” called the Vienna Opera Ball. And Kim was there, like a high-class escort, because her pimp, That Woman, was getting paid $500,000 by Richard Lugner to have Kim on his arm.

I guess That Woman knows her days of whoring out at least one of her children are nearing an end so she’s pulling out all the stops.

Until …. After That Woman collected the 500K, and left Kim searching her pocketbook for cab fare, Kanye put his baby mama Kim Kardashian on notice: no more getting’ pimped by Mama.

A source — possibly Bruce, possibly Khloe, or possibly That Woman if there was a check involved — says:

“It’s not about the money. Kanye told her no more paid appearances. It was selling her soul and not worth it. How much more money does Kim need? It cheapens Kim and her brand to be paid to go to parties.”

And besides, he didn’t make a dime off the gig. And, where was Kanye while his baby mama was being whored out?

Uh huh.

Okay, so Lindsay starts this Sunday; you know, the Oprah Winfrey reality show docu-series about fresh from rehab, trying to stay sober, getting her career back, oh look, there’s a bar and a dime bag, Lindsay Lohan.

I’ll be watching.

See, what ALLEGEDLY started out as a reality show docu-series about Lindsay, post-rehab, turned into a wack-a-doo mess about a wacked-out, former cracktress who throws fits at the drop of a hat.

Take a look:

Now that the filming is over, the show is not just about Lindsay. It’s also about the filmmaker and the producers and the sober coaches, and even poor Oprah having to deal with that mess called Lohan.

Like I said, I’ll be watching.

Under The Gunn, Ep 8: Design’s A Beach

It’s a field trip! To a sunny Southern California beach filled with everything imaginable for a fun day. But, as with all things PR, there is no fun. This is an Unconventional Challenge, and the designtestants have 15 minutes to grab as much as they can from beach balls to volleyball nets, to blow-up chairs and grass skirts and hats, to make something fabulous.

Oh, and they get one day and no shopping at Mood.

It’s on, beaches, let’s rip …

THE SAFES

TEAM ANYA

Anya regained some of her oomph this week by being less pissy and more helpful. Though she just helped her tam to the safe zone, but I guess that’s better than having two designers in the bottom. Again!

SHAN — His look was kind of safe, though I loved the string detail on the back; but it really was a one-note look.

BLAKE — His was also a one-note, and the one-note was flattened straw hats on the hem.

TEAM MONDO

I really like Mondo’s style of mentoring because he questions his team, makes simple suggestions, and points out flaws. He never designs for them, but juts urges them to push forward.

His own style sense, though, makes me giggle. I mean, that one shirt looked like he’d gotten ink all over his hands and then wiped them on his clothes.

SAM

Sam’s a pissy little bitch. I said it. Pissy little bitch. He complains about being safe the last few weeks because he thinks he should win every challenge. And when Mondo questions his boxy beach mat jacket — which Sam was sure would be a show-stopper — he gets silent and pissy. Pissy.

But he scraps the coat and starts over, using the beach mat to create a pleated skirt. Only, when Tim mentions to Mondo that it looks sloppy, and Mondo tells Sam what Tim said, Sam gets all — you guess it — pissy and whines about it to Asha who basically looks the other way, sighing, Ain’t nobody got time for dat..

WHAT HE SAID

The skirt is just sooo voluminous and fun and nostalgic. It’s awesome.

WHAT I SAID

It’s cute, but those stripes on the skirt remind be of blue painter’s tape. Seriously, if you watch HGTV and see someone install a hardwood floor, they sometimes use blue painter’s tape at random intervals to keep the floor in-line.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Jen Rade called it a wow, and loved the way the mat was pleated but still fit the model’s waist. Well-made, and flattering. Rachel Roy thought it a perfect look for women of all sizes — better rethink that, I say — and called it nostalgic. The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ loved how balanced it looked, and loved the proportions. She called it sexy and fun.

ASHA

I agree with Mondo that Asha has really grown since the show started. Her portfolio was a lot of girly dresses, girl prom dresses, and she’s really stepped it up.

This week, though, she struggled with the beach mats until Mondo suggested she place some of the lei flowers behind the mat to create a print. It worked.

WHAT SHE SAID

I am absolutely proud of myself. It looks amazing.

WHAT I SAID

Note to Blake: if you want to use hats as a hem detail this is how you do it. The bottom detail was fun and flirty, though I felt the stiffness of the mats on the top made the model seem bulky and kind of masculine.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Rachel Roy loved the great clean lines, and called it modern, strong and sophisticated. The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ loved the spirit of the look and the great textile Asha created. Jen Rade was impressed at all she’d done in one day.

MICHELLE

Michelle got the bitchy edit as she questioned Stephanie’s taste level and declared that Natalia needed to go home.

And then she sewed a beach chair into a dress. M’kay? And Mondo questioned her use of all plastic, until she laid the piece over one another and created new colors, and color-blocking.

But then Michelle went bitchy again and whines most of the episode about how Mondo really helps Asha and Sam but doesn’t help her so much. She decides he doesn’t offer much advice because she’s so good. Uh huh.

WHAT SHE SAID

I definitely risked a lot on this look, but I’m still happy and I’m going to stand behind it.

WHAT I SAID

It looks cheap and cheesy and the addition of what looked like fish fins on the hips was wrong … all kinds of wrong. I got plastic stewardess from this.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Jen Rade declared that she’d have liked the look better if she had taken Ecstasy. She then called it Austin Powers Meets Judy Jetson and bemoaned the fact that there really wasn’t a lot of unconventional materials used. The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ said the ‘fabric’ looked tacky, and since the skirt was neither long nor short, the look missed the mark and showed a lack of taste. Rachel Roy liked the construction, but thought the look was too cocktail waitress … on a Lego Titanic?

TEAM NICK

Nick. He has too many teeth in his head and when he really smiles, I get a crazy scary reminder of Pennywise the clown from Stephen King’s “It.”  

And he seems to help too much, then help not at all. I think Nick feels Oscar is his best chance at the finale so he kind of let’s Natalia and Stephanie slide.

I mean, how else do we explain their two looks?

NATALIA

Once again, as in last week’s Steampunk challenge, this is right up Natalia’s alley. And since she grabbed a boat-load of grass skirts and hats she’s going to knit a dress. In.One.Day.

Knit. In one day. Of course, she can’t, so the knitting becomes an overlay for another fabric, and yet she’s still scrambling to finish at the last minute. Which I find funny, because she’s well aware that she has time management issues but then she decides to knit a dress.

In.One.Day.

WHAT SHE SAID

I still love all the love I put in it and I’m just praying the judges will look past the horrible construction and see all the art.

WHAT I SAID

Are those scorpions scaling the model’s breast? I mean, it looks like she went swimming in a cute blue dress, got mired in the seaweed, fell asleep onshore and then woke with a dried seaweed-covered outfit.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Rachel Roy loved the weaving technique, but felt there was a lack of focus and some really bad construction issues; she also called it sexy, but the wrong side of sexy. Jen Rade just said that the whole look felt incomplete, while The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ said it wasn’t the most successful look, but that she was happy Natalia shared her POV.

OSCAR

With a beach filled with everything imaginable to use in making a dress, Oscar comes away with one small bag of stuff. Nick thinks maybe he pushed Oscar into editing his looks so much that Oscar will edit himself out of the show.

When Tim and Nick visit, they call Oscar’s look a little flat, so … Oscar steps aside and shows them a second look he’s made.

Also flat. Oscar scraps things because, as he said, Tim told him in a very nice way that his work was crap. So Oscar uses fans, asks other designers for fans, and begs for fans. And made a fan dress, AKA Look #3.

WHAT HE SAID

Oh my god, my model with the fan dress. She looks so couture.

WHAT I SAID

I liked it, but didn’t love it. I thought it a bit one-note being all fans, and so short I could almost see the “fine china.”

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ called it couture and youthful and sexy, while Jen Rade once again marveled at how Oscar can make such perfect looking outfits in one day; she also called it clean and modern and strong. Rachel Roy loved the simple elegance of the look, and said it makes her want to see more of Oscar — and I don’t think she means more like Tim saw more when Oscar ripped his pants on the beach. Just sayin’.

STEPHANIE

She’s boring. I always forget she’s even on the show, until the runaway and then as soon as her loom leaves, I forget her again.

But she gets lei’d for her dress, taking the plastic lei flowers and melting them together to create a textile. When Tim and Nick stop by she says she thinks it looks cheap, and Nick says it doesn’t and he urges to make the entire look out of melted leis because it’ll be a Versace moment, or an Armani moment, or some other designer’s name that Nick drops.

WHAT SHE SAID

I’m excited. She looks great in it. The skirt has great movement. I’m proud of it.

WHAT I SAID

It looks like something I made as a kid when I left some crayons on a sheet in the sun one summer. I was grounded for ruining a sheet. Just sayin’.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ loved the use of color, but hated that it was just one fabric. [Nick?] She didn’t like that Stephanie didn’t use more unconventional pieces. [Nick?] And she called it “project-y.” Rachel Roy also liked the color and the flirty skirt, but complained that it was all one thing. [Nick??] Jen Rade said it didn’t work, had no sophistication — though she liked the skirt — and called it crafty.

WHAT HAPPENED

Anya’s Team is all safe, while Nick has two safes — Oscar and Natalia — and his “helping” of Stephanie lands her in the Bottom, and she goes home.

Mondo gets two designers on Top — Asha and Sam — and one in the Bottom, Michelle. Once again the judges leave it up to the mentor to decide and Mondo gives the win to Sam because Sam was pissy and bitchy and, when pushed, made something nice.

MY TAKE

I loved how Sam can pat himself on the back while saying things like, and I’m paraphrasing, “Mondo sees how great how I am, when even I don’t see it … yet.”

Does anyone else notice how much Nick simply mimics what Tim says? Tim, when speaking about Stephanie’s look, said, “This could be Stephanie’s moment,” and Nick replied, “This could be her moment.” I say Huh? And then Nick would say, Huh.

Nick with a sports metaphor for Oscar: It’s the ninth inning … or whatever they call it … in football and you’re gonna hit a goal! Goooooooal! Oh Nick, stop. Seriously.

I do not like the judges letting the mentors decide. They’re judges for a reason, and it puts the mentors in an awful spot by forcing them to pick one of their own designers over another.

Finally, does anyone else get the feeling that, although the rules say when a mentor loses all their designers they are also off the show, that somehow, miraculously, we’ll get a finale with a designer form each mentor? Rigged much?

I’m seeing Sam, Shan and Oscar, though I’d prefer Asha somewhere in that mix.

What did YOU think?