Sunday, May 28, 2017
Walt Handelsman, Mike Luckovich, Tom Janssen, Steve Breen, Jack Ohman, Nate Beeler, Adam Zyglis, RJ Matson, Clay Bennett
Some celebrities tell everything about their lives, while others try to keep things secret, even when the secret is out of the bag ... Jamie Foxx. Katie Holmes.
See, rumor has it that Jamie and Katie have been a couple almost from the moment she tied Suri’s Prada diapers into a rope ladder and escaped Casa Cruise years back, but the two will never acknowledge their love.
Earlier this month, both Katie and Jamie were in Paris at the same time as Katie’s ex Tom Cruise. Thankfully they didn’t meet up, but Katie and Jamie’s ALLEGED hookup did nothing to stop the talk. And so when a photographer asked about his relationship with Katie, Jamie tried to laugh it off by saying:
“Fake news, fake news.”
But the reporter wondered if that was true, to which Jamie said:
Jamie tried to stop the chat, but then the reporter said that Jamie and Katie “are really cute together” causing Foxx to stammer:
“I’m… Thanks for saying I’m cute.”
Then Jamie entered an elevator and made his getaway.
Look, here’s the deal, Jamie and Kate ... Jatie? Kamie? ... have been seen at various places around the world together and rumor has it they keep it on the down-low because Jamie has respect for Tom since they starred in a move together 13 years ago and ...
Thirteen years ago? Sheesh, Jamie, get over it; you and Cruise aren’t going to be buddies off-screen or on, so come out on a real date with Katie already.
Tommy can handle it ... he’s got a whole church looking for his next wife.
Oh Mariah, you really are The Diva of The World.
It seems that Carey was set to film a cameo in an upcoming Will Ferrell/Amy Poehler film, and she was quite the demanding little lamb on-set. Rob Huebel, who is also in the movie, said Mimi was like this:
She was four hours late for her cameo.
She demanded that her trailer be decorated with all white flowers and stuffed lambs.
She refused to sing the song she was hired to sing.
And, when told that they wanted to do a scene that involved her being shot, she refused, saying:
“I don’t think my character would get killed by bullets. What if I deflected them like Wonder Woman?”
Let that sink in ... What.if.I.deflected.them.like.Wonder.Woman?
Seriously? She’s filming a cameo—a one day job—and she’s making demands like she’s the star, and we all know about that Glitter bomb she made last time she starred in a film.
So, a woman referred to as Jane Doe is suing the production team at America’s Got Talent because, she says, her daughter was traumatized when host Tyra Banks “physically manipulated and verbally abused” the girl. What, did Tyra try to force her "smize" fiercely or something?
Well, according to the 18-page suit it seems that Jane Doe and her husband, John, I’m guessing, were “publicly humiliated” by the AGT judges and some audience members during a March 19 performance. The duo were performing a song they wrote about motherhood that celebrated their daughter’s birth and the “bond among the members of her family.” The song is apparently a favorite of Jane and John’s daughter, “Mary Doe” but, ALLEGEDLY Banks, the judges and some in the crowd were unmoved.
The suit claims that during the performance, Banks, “an individual acting as an agent of Defendants, physically manipulated and verbally abused Mary. Banks shook Mary’s shoulder, pulled Mary’s hair back and physically manipulated Mary. … Mary did not stop Banks’ conduct because Mary was fearful. Banks also insinuated that Mary was accidentally conceived, made fun of the performance and ridiculed [the song] in front of Mary, all in front of active cameras that were filming Mary. After the performance, Banks asked Mary to describe, in front of active and filming cameras, her opinion about Jane and her husband after they were publicly ridiculed by AGT ... As a result of her negative experience from AGT and Defendants’ abusive treatment, Mary was traumatized and became deeply depressed.”
Jane, John and Mary are seeking a jury trial, claiming intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress along with civil battery and civil assault.
Look, you wanna sue Tyra for being an obnoxious five-headed troll, then you have a case, but if you wanna sue Tyra because she tried to make your daughter look and act like she was a younger Tyra while Tyra played the part of Naomi Campbell, by making her pose and fixing her hair, you might wanna rethink.
Oh, and stay off reality TV.
The Taylor Swift/Katy Perry Spat is back in the news because Katy has a new album and Taylor has a new boyfriend.
It all started when Taylor claimed that someone ... Katy ... was always being mean to her and that someone ... Katy ... “stole” her backup dancers and tried to ruin her tour.
As with all Swift stories and songs, she’s the victim, until she gets called out on her lies, like when those “stolen” backup dancers say they were never stolen, they just liked Katy ... and her paychecks ... more.
And so Taylor wrote “Bad Blood” about Katy because, well, petty, childish, attention-seeker.
Anyway, this is Year Three of The Feud—and please, Ryan Murphy, do not make this a show—and now that Katy has a new album to promote, she’s talking ... again ... about the beef to James Corden who asked:
“Now, I want to talk to you about some famous beef. Because there’s Taylor beef ... and when are we going to clear that beef up?”
“Well, there is ... there’s a situation. Honestly, it’s like, she started it and it’s time for her to finish it. It’s about backing dancers. It’s so crazy! OK, so there are three backing dancers that went on tour with her tour, right? And they asked me before they went on tour if they could go, and I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. I’m not on a record cycle ... and she’s great and all that. But I will be on a record cycle in about a year, so be sure to put a 30-day contingency in your contract so you can get out if you want to join me when I say I’m going back on.’ So that year came up ... and I texted all of them ... and I said, ‘Look, just FYI: I’m about to start, I want to put the word out there.’ And they said, ‘All right, we’re going to talk to management about it.’ And they did. And they got fired. And I tried to talk to [Swift] about it, and she wouldn’t speak to me. It was a full shutdown and then she writes a song about me.”
Now Katy says if she were to get a text from Taylor saying “the beef is off the grill,” as Corden put it, she would take that beef off the grill.
And possibly beat Taylor senseless with it so as to start anew feud because without a feud these two would just be two mean girls having a spat.
A Jessica Simpson interview is usually a mess because, well, she’s kind of an idiot and says really cringe-worthy things ... like on a recent interview with Ellen.
Jessica was there to promote her billion dollar fashion line—she’s the Hillbilly Ivanka where people slave to make clothes and accessories for her slap her name onto—and began by first saying that, for once, she’s not pregnant on an Ellen show because she has a IUD “up there.”
Ellen tried to shift topics to the birthday party Jessica recently threw for her 5-year-old daughter. And Jessica rambled on about renting mermaids for the party and how the mermaids needed to be carried to the bathroom by “manhandlers” since they couldn’t pee on her children in the pool.
Ellen again tried to salvage the conversation by asking Jessica how long she’s been with her current husband. Jessica said:
“7 years. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a 7 year relationship, other than with a woman, no, not that, you know!”
Seriously? I mean, okay, so she’s making millions on a fashion line, but why does she have to take her Paul Abdul Meets Anna Nicole Smith With a Soupçon of Mariah Carey messiness to TV?
You know, you always hear about celebrities who leave big tips for their servers at restaurants, but did you ever hear the story of the waitress who was fired for riding Orlando Bloom’s big, um, tip?
Well, 21-year-old server and aspiring actress ... because, of course ... named Viviana Ross was fired from her job at the Chiltern Firehouse in London after she hooked up with 40-year-old Orlando Bloom.
One night, after her shift, Viviana bumped into Orlando—whom she’s been serving all week—outside the bar and he ALLEGEDLY asked her to come up to his room for a drink.
She said ‘Yes,’ and then went upstairs and let him service her for a change.
The next morning, Orlando left for an interview and Viviana stayed in his room; when the hotel’s general manager entered Orlando’s room he found Viviana naked in his bed and when he asked if she worked there—which she admitted to—the manager left, and an hour later Viviana received a text informing her she had been fired after two months of employment for “fraternizing with clients.”
I think what she actually did was a different ‘f’ word.
Viviana is “hurt” especially since she fucked Orlando while she was off the clock and now has no way to tell him his big tip cost her a job.
But all is not lost, because Orlando heard via social media that his server, er, servicer, had been fired, so he called up the Chiltern Firehouse and asked for Viviana’s phone number so he could apologize.
For the f%k that cost her a job.
Still, now all those who work at the Chiltern Firehouse know the most fun way to get fired ... bang Orlando.
Dave Annable played the dimwitted, always saying and doing the wrong thing brother on Brothers and Sisters years back and apparently that’s just Dave.
See, when Dave’s wife wouldn’t put out for him, he decided to complain about her ... on Instagram. And even odder is that Dave’s wife, actress Odette Annable, had no issue with letting the world know she wasn’t putting out that night, saying she was “too busy tonight.”
And so, posting the video from their bed, Dave says:
“So you can’t just say out of the blue, ‘Dave, I can’t wait to have sex with you, just not tonight.'”
Wow. I started off the snark saying that maybe Jamie and Katie should share their love with the world, but if that means they’d become the new Dave and Odette, I’m thinking the down low is a better place to stay.
Just when you thought _____ was a national embarrassment, he takes off for the Middle East and Europe, thus becoming a global humiliation.
And how did he do that?
For one, after campaigning against “radical Islamic terrorism”, and threatening to ban Muslims from coming to this country, he spoke before a mostly Muslim nation and stopped using his pet phrase and never once mentioned his Muslim Ban because ... lying pandering hypocrite.
He may have also offended Saudi Arabia by referring to “Islamic terror” rather than “Islamist terror.” But, hey, the man who claimed everyone is low energy and Hillary has no stamina, was exhausted that first day out so he cancelled some events and took a nap instead.
And maybe his sleepiness is the reason he called Saudi Arabia’s King Salman “King Solomon”— he was off by 3,000 years—and turned the Strait of Hormuz into the “Straits of Hormuz.”
Or, maybe he meant the heterosexuals of Hormuz? Hard to tell what a buffoon really means when he speaks.
And the buffoon, who once scolded President Barack Obama for bowing before a Saudi ruler, bowed before a Saudi ruler; _____, who once criticized Michelle Obama for failing to wear a headscarf in Saudi Arabia, gave a speech there while his bareheaded wife and daughter listened.
Points, though, to Melania for, not once, but twice, smacking away her husband’s hand as he reached for hers.
And then it was on to Israel, where _____ announced that he “just got back from the Middle East,” apparently unaware—because, yes, he’s a buffoon—that Israel is in the Middle East.
He visited the Wailing Wall and wondered how they got Mexico to pay for it; he visited Yad Vashem, Israel’s Holocaust museum, spending fifteen minutes remembering the six million Jews slaughtered in World War II, and left a note that read:
"It is a great honor to be here with my friends! So amazing and will never forget!"
And then it was on to the Vatican and that awkward photo op with the Pope, where _____ beamed like a buffoon, while the Pope grimaced at the idea of posing with a climate-change denying adulterer and his third wife, apparently dressed for a funeral.
After Monday night’s attack at that concert in Manchester, England, _____ reacted by saying:
“I won’t call them monsters because they would like that term. . . . I will call them from now on losers because that’s what’s they are. They’re losers.”
Yes, he has decided to call murderous terrorists by the same name he calls Rosie O’Donnell, Cher, Rihanna, Mark Cuban, George Will, Charles Krauthammer, Bill Maher, Ana Navarro, Chuck Todd, the attorney general of New York, an astrologer in Cleveland, Gwyneth Paltrow, Howard Stern, Jeb Bush, John McCain, Marco Rubio, Karl Rove, Megyn Kelly, the Huffington Post and the New York Daily News ... among others.
Then the buffoon jetted off to attend a meeting of NATO—an alliance he calls “obsolete”—in Brussels—a city he called a “hellhole”—where it was one gaffe after another ...
Remember that wildly uncomfortable handshake with new French President Emmanuel Macron—whom _____ said he always supported even though he never did—that lasted even longer than creepy eye-roll inducing handshake with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
And what about the video where _____ shoved Montenegro Prime Minister Dusko Markovic out of the way so he could be at the front of a photo op?
That shove, heard ‘round the world, was taken in stride by _____’s victim, Dusko Markovic, who said:
"It didn't really register. I just saw reactions about it on social networks. It is simply a harmless situation."
Markovic then took the high road and thanked _____ for supporting Montenegro's membership in NATO and said, "it is natural that the president of the United States is in the front row."
Except he shouldn’t shove his way to the front.
The buffoon spoke in front of NATO’s new headquarters, and scolded our allied for not paying their bills; this from a man who has been sued more times than I can count for stiffing contractors who have worked for him:
“NATO members must finally contribute their fair share and meet their financial obligations. This is not fair to the people and taxpayers of the United States. And many of these nations owe massive amounts of money from past years and not paying in those past years.”
He went on ranting that “with these chronic underpayments and growing threats, even 2 percent of GDP”—the amount NATO members pledged to move toward by 2024—“is insufficient to close the gaps in modernizing, readiness, and the size of forces. We have to make up for the many years lost.”
And so, he then closed out his classless speech by thanking Germany for contributing a portion of the Berlin Wall, and the 9/11 Museum for donating a remnant from the North Tower, to become part of the NATO headquarters’ new grounds, and then adding:
“I never asked once what the new NATO headquarters cost. I refuse to do that.”
“The Germans are evil, very evil. Look at the millions of cars they sell in the U.S. We’ll stop that.”
Now, I’m not saying that this was _____ being petty and vindictive and spiteful and petulant and spoiled and bratty, toward Germany, and Chancellor Angela Merkel, but his little tirade happened shortly after French President Macron greeted German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and several others, before deigning to take _____’s fat tiny hand in his again.
And finally, after berating our friends and allies in Europe, the buffoon spoke with Belgian Prime Minister Charles Michel and complained that he has had difficulty building golf courses there.
Oh, so that’s why he took the trip ...
See, right before running for the presidency, Citizen ____, threw a tantrum when he learned of plans to build off-shore windmills within sight of the Trump International Golf Links in Scotland. He tried to buy politicians to fight for him before scrapping the Scottish project and building a resort in Ireland instead; and then he took his whining to the Supreme Court where he lost the battle against the clean energy windmills.
Another source—and it might be mu new hero, French President Emmanuel Macron—was baffled by the exchange with Belgium’s leader:
“Every time we talk about a country, he remembered the things he had done. Scotland? He said he had opened a club. Ireland? He said it took him two and a half years to get a license and that did not give him a very good image of the European Union. One feels that he wants a system where everything can be realized very quickly and without formalities.”
As long as it pads his bank account because _____ has just proven himself to be the Ugliest American.
Pete Buttigieg, on those Notre Dames grads who walked out on Mike Pence:
“What I appreciate about it is it’s clear that the students want to express their commitment to tolerance and the values that they believe a Catholic University ought to uphold, and that this administration is not compatible with those values. And at the same time, I think they found a very respectful way to do it.”
Let me make this queer: the school has a right to ask Pence to speak, and Pence has a right to speak, and the students have a right to walk out in protest.
It’s called Free Speech for a reason.
Wilbur Ross, U.S. Commerce Secretary, on the absence of protestors in Saudi Arabia:
“There was not a single hint of a protester anywhere there during the whole time we were there. Not one guy with a bad placard.”
Saudi Arabia often beheads protestors, something Wilbur didn’t really seem to care about.
PS Wilbur is the same f%k who called _____’s bombing of Syria the “after dinner entertainment” at Mar-a-Lago.
Billy Bush, trying to revive his career after being _____’s sidekick in PussyGate:
“My [then] 15-year-old, Mary, called me ... in tears: ‘Dad, Dad, Dad,’ and I said, ‘Everything is going to be fine, Mary. Everything’s going to be OK.’ It’s just instinctively what you say to your daughter. And she said, ‘No, why were you laughing at the things that he was saying on that bus, Dad? They weren’t funny.’”
Odd that a fifteen year old girl knows how disgusting that conversation was and Dad had no idea, even though he was raising daughters.
He never once thought that this could be _____ speaking about his girls, his wife, or any woman he worked with; he just laughed.
And now he’s trying to redeem himself.
Sorry Billy, you’ll always be the guy who laughed about sexual harassment.
Mo’Nique, actress and comic, who won an Oscar for Precious, on being shunned by Hollywood:
“What is that black d—k connected to? That black man? So no, I was not blackballed. I was white-balled by some black d—ks who have no balls. Thank you, Mr. Lee Daniels. Thank you, Mr. Tyler Perry. Thank you, Ms. Oprah Winfrey. I know they like to say, ‘Mo’Nique, you talk too motherf—kin’ much.’ It would kill me not to say the real s—t … You are not paying me equally. You are not treating me fairly, so you can suck my d—k if I had one. I got a phone call from Lee Daniels [in 2015] and he said to me, ‘Mo’Nique, you’ve been blackballed.’ And I said, ‘I’ve been blackballed? Why have I been blackballed?’ And he said, ‘Because you didn’t play the game.' There have been people that have said, ‘Mo’Nique, she can be difficult.’ They could probably be right. One of the networks said to [Daniels] that I was ‘really difficult to work with.’ And I said, ‘Well, that’s funny, because I’ve never even worked with them, but OK.’ I was offered the role in ‘The Butler’ that Oprah Winfrey played. I was also approached by ‘Empire’ to be on ‘Empire.’ And I was also offered the role as Richard Pryor’s grandmother [in a new biopic about the late comedian]. Each of those things that [Daniels] offered me was taken off the table. They all just went away. But that’s just part of the business, you know? I can’t be upset at anybody, ’cause life is too good. It’s just what it is.”
Strong opinionated black woman.
Jason Chaffetz, saying that people who leak information, even about crimes like colluding with Russia to steal an election, should be punished:
“I don’t care who it is. Democrat or Republican, you cannot have that happen. You probably ought to put some handcuffs on them and put them in jail.”
Yeah, the people who speak out about the crime, even anonymously, should be punished, while those who commit the crimes go free?
And then what about _____ who leaked confidential information to the Russians, Jason? Where are your cried of ‘Lock him up’ now. You pandering f%k?
After the attack in Manchester this week, our President-For-Now came out strong against ISIS ...
He called them “losers.”
Yes, nothing strike fear into the hearts of an international terror organization, that has just murdered children, faster than having a bloated bullying billionaire call them “losers.”
Stunted narcissistic asshat.
PS You promised to get rid of ISIS in your first thirty days ... you’re one hundred days behind schedule.
UPDATE: Richard Henry Patterson, the Florida man who claimed his girlfriend choked to death during oral sex, was found not guilty this week of second-degree murder.
At least now I know that, if Carlos were to, ahem, suffer the same fate, I'd get off ....... again.
I’m a horrible person.
Hot Men Duo ... Daddy and Son ...
Tony Goldwyn, who played President Grant on Scandal, until this last season when his two terms in office ended. Goldwyn was always handsome, but every so office you’d see him with his shirt off and suddenly it was, Oh, Mister President!
And Dylan Minette, who played President Grant’s son, Jerry, until he was murdered a few years ago. He’s got a show about teen suicide—Thirteen Reasons Why—and, well, he’s just so darn pretty ... even if he is young enough to be the president’s son, and my son, too.
As Secretary of State Hillary Clinton logged nearly a million miles in travel around the globe and never once complained.
Not so with President-For-Now _____, who, in his first foray overseas, in his first few days, cancelled an event because he was tired.
Yes, the man who called Jeb Bush “low energy” and said Clinton didn’t have the “stamina” for the job, had to take a time out and a nap because traveling is hard.
The Resistance—and the Democrats—just scored their first win of 2017.
And it might just be the beginning of the end for _____ when Edie DesMarais, a Democrat, won a State Representative seat in deep-red Wolfeboro, New Hampshire.
Donald _____ won that district by a wide margin in November and here, just a few months later, the people said, Oh hell no and elected a Democrat.
So, at work, we have one computer that most of us use from time-to-time because of its proximity to the front of the office. One co-worker, however, uses it to monitor his Facebook page, and then leaves Facebook open under his account.
Big mistake. Huge. One day, a co-worker and I were looking for information on a new business opening in Smallville, and, as we were at the front, used that computer. She was on her phone searching while I Googled some information on the computer. I found a link to the Facebook page of the business and clicked on it; it opened right up and I thought nothing about it.
I told my co-worker that I had found what we were looking for and she stood next to me and read from the page.
Then she says, “Are you reading this?”
Down on the right, was a private message from our co-worker who keeps Facebook open under his account, where he was speaking to his girlfriend who lives in Pennsylvania and this is the first thing I read:
“Cum on my face and tits.”
Yes, our co-worker was having a sexting private message chat on his Facebook page at his home while it streamed live on our computer at work.
I looked at my co-worker as our friend typed, “I’m finished,” and I said, “Should I join in and say ‘Well, I’m not finished yet?’”
Just a note to people to close out your Facebook page when you leave the office lest you want a slew of co-workers to know your sticky business.
Oops ... _____ and his team thought that all of his Russia problems might go away while he was out of the country but, yeah, not so much.
Now it appears that Attorney General Jeff Sessions failed to disclose meetings with Russian officials, in his security clearance application, Sessions met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak at least two times last year and failed to note those interactions on the form, which requires him to list “any contact” he or his family had with a “foreign government” or its “representatives” over the past seven years.
Oops. Sessions, the Attorney General lied ... under oath. And now Representative John Conyers, the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee has called for an investigation into Sessions.
The dominos are falling ...
So, the CBO score on the new GOPDon’tCare healthcare plan came in and it’s worse than expected ...
Fifty-one million uninsured by 2026 and premiums rising for the poorest among us while billionaires get tax breaks and the military gets more bombs.
And don’t forget, the GOP celebrated the House passage of this mess with a beer party.
This is who voted to take healthcare away from people and gouge the rest of us, while giving themselves more coins in the bank.
We’ve all seen the crowds at GOP Town Hall meetings as constituents question their Representatives about Healthcare and Donald _____; these meetings often get very loud, with all kinds of screaming and shouting, but, until now, have remained non-violent.
But, yesterday GOP House candidate Greg Gianforte in Montana’s special election body slammed Ben Jacobs from the Guardian after he was asked about GOP plans for an Obamacare repeal.
And this morning, Election Day, Montana law enforcement has charged Gianforte with misdemeanor assault, according to Gallatin County Sheriff Brian Gootkin:
“Following multiple interviews and an investigation by the Gallatin County Sheriff’s Office it was determined there was probable cause to issue a citation to Greg Gianforte for misdemeanor assault. The nature of the injuries did not meet the statutory elements of felony assault.”
Gianforte faces a maximum sentence of six months in jail, a $500 fine, or both.
The Guardian released an audio recording of the incident during which Gianforte tried to deflect Jacob’s questions about the CBO score of GOPDon’tCare:
Gianforte: “We’ll talk to you about that later.”
Jacobs: “Yeah, but there’s not going to be time. I’m just curious about it right now.”
Gianforte: “I’m sick and tired of you guys. The last guy who came in here you did the same thing. Get the hell out of here!”
Jacobs: “You just body slammed me and broke my glasses.”
Gianforte’s office offered an alternate account of events, saying Jacobs encroached on “a separate interview in a private office” and “aggressively shoved a recorder in Greg’s face” except ... other news agencies, including Fox News, have come forward to not only verify Jacob’s account, but to say the assault was much worse than previously thought.
Fox reporter Alicia Acuna said:
“Gianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him. I watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the man, as he moved on top the reporter and began yelling something to the effect of ‘I’m sick and tired of this!'”
I’ve been saying a while now that since _____ began playing up this Fake News Bull Shiz reporters will come for the GOP and now they have; Gianforte ought to quit the campaign, rescind his candidacy, and prepare himself for trial, and hopefully, jail.