I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

By the time you read this Kanye West might already be married to his Baby Mama and future ex-wife, Kim Kardastrophe.

See, it seems the fame-whores want not one, not two, but three weddings, one for each month this marriage will last, I guess.

Their representatives are saying that the Kardastrophe-West’s will be married once in California, and twice in France — the California marriage is just so there will be no question about the legality of the French marriages, which will be filmed for TV because when you got your start on film with your legs in the air and an Open For Business sign above your vagina, everything else must be filmed, too.

Still, in the space of a month, Kanye West will have been married three times, and Kim Kardastrophe will be on her sixth wedding.

Yeah, this’ll last.

You just know Mariah Carey is jealous of Beyoncé because, well, she’s Beyoncé and not Mariah Carey. But I never knew her jealousy would lead to outright mimicry; or as Carey might call it, Mimi-cry.

Remember when Beyoncé stunned the world — or at least those folks in the world who care about Beyoncé, yours truly not included — by releasing a new album in the middle of the night with no advance word and no advance publicity?

Well, Mariah Carey wanted to do that, too, to show the world that she is Beyoncé’s equal, except that Mariah decided to tell people she was gonna release her album in secret, in the middle of the night with no advance publicity … except for telling us.

Mariah Carey is no Beyoncé; she’s Beyoncé-Lite, or Beyoncé-dumb.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell, his decade’s younger wife — he’s 72, she’s 48 — were arrested over the weekend for some kind of domestic violence business.

It seems police were called to Paul Simon and Edie Brickell’s manse in New Canaan, Connecticut over the weekend after the two got into some sort of fight. Police investigated and cuffed the duo and both were charged with disorderly conduct. Chief of Police Leon Krolikowski said it was a family dispute that reached the level that required police to make an arrest.

I have a suggestion for Edie; the next time she and Paul are about to get into, just pick him up and put him on a High Shelf Time Out.

Or, for Paul. He could just take away Edie’s tambourine. For the love of God, take away her tambourine.

This has got all kinds of Icky on it.

Rumor once had it that diminutive singer — singer, I kid — Justin Bieber once cheated on his girlfriend Selena Gomez with model Miranda Kerr, best known as wife of, and baby mama for, Orlando Bloom.

Icky. Followed by Double icky … because now it seems that Orlando, though he’s divorced from Kerr, and Gomez, who, this week, is off-again with Justin, are doing the nasty.

Talk about a Daisy Chain Math Problem of STDs: Miranda + Orlando + Justin = Justin + Selena + Orlando. Solve for icky.

And speaking of Selena Gomez, she once was friend with Kardashian-adjacent Kylie and Kendall Jenner, until one of the Jenner girls also banged Justin. Then Selena dubbed them both toxic and cut them out of her life.

Good, only now those Jenner girls, who learned from the master — That Woman — how to keep your name in the press no matter what, are saying Selena is the toxic one and, well, my previous post has the math to prove it.

Selena Gomez recently cut ties with Kendall and Kylie by not only unfollowing them on Instagram — oh, that is so so painful — and also deleting the pictures she’d taken with them at Coachella. But now the Jenner girls are getting the last gossip snap by reminding folks that Selena has been to rehab and is a “drama-obsessed party girl.”

Here’s what happened: Selena schtupped Justin who schtupped Kylie or Kendall, or maybe both, and the girls, fools that they are, took their anger out on one another rather than going after the Tiny Pop Star.

Perhaps they could find a spot for Justin on that high shelf with Paul Simon?

A while back, we talked about the feud on the Glee set between divas Lea Michele and Naya Rivera, which caused one or both of them to walk off the set in a huff.

Rumor had it Naya was tired of Lea being a demanding diva, or that she had found out that her now ex-fiancé Big Sean had dipped his Little Sean in Lea’s ladybits.

Either way, it seems that Lea has the last laugh because rumor has it Naya has been fired, let go, written out, or not asked back to Glee.

In fact, rumor has it that the studio asked Naya for her parking pass, and then cleaned out her on-set trailer the minute the word came down.

Naya’s reps are calling bull shiz on the whole story, but the fact is that Naya was written out of the season finale and there’s no word on whether or not she’ll be back next season.

For me, though, that’s good news, because if you knew the Titanic was going to sink, and you had a shot at a lifeboat, wouldn’t you take it?

Ready for more icky?

James Franco, media-whore, and sore loser — he blasted a Broadway critic for not raving about his performance in Of Mice and Men, though no word on what Franco did when the Tony nominations came out and his name was absent — is kissing, and only kissing, and telling about Lindsay Lohan.

It all started with The List that someone on Team Lindsay — Hey Dina! — leaked and Franco saw his name as one of Lohan’s f**k-buddies. Now, Franco says he never schtupped Lohan — again, icky — though he admits there was some mouth-to-mouth germ swapping going on:

 “I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional! … When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy. Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

Like that ever stopped him before —remember it was just last month when he tried to pick up a high school girl online — but then Franco claims that he woke up one night to find Lohan in his room ... or, maybe he had just passed out under a bar and woke up to find she had passed out next to him?

I’m a little over Jennifer Lawrence; she used to be cute and spunky and kind of America’s Edgy Sweetheart. When she stumbled and fell up the stairs to accept her Oscar in 2013, it was precious, but when she stumbled and fell on the Oscar red carpet in 2014 reeked of publicity stunt.

Well, it turns out that Lawrence was drunk at the Oscars this year, which may account for the stumble, and definitely accounts for the fact that she blew chunks while walking into Madonna’s post-Oscar bash right in front of Miley Cyrus, who ALLEGEDLY said, in her own Marlboro-gin-soaked voice, “Get it together, girl.”

You just know that if Mylie Cyrus is the one who thinks you’re out of control, you are out of control.

Remember Josh Hartnett?

Me neither, but apparently back in the early 2000s he was the next It Boy, and then he disappeared into a series of really bad films and “indie” projects for about a decade, until resurfacing this month on Showtime’s Penny Dreadful.

And now, when asked where he’d been, he didn’t talk about bad film choices, and low-budget straight to DVD messes, he says, with an apparently straight face, that he disappeared because he was so red hot in Hollywood that everyone wanted to work with him; in fact, he says he was offered every single superhero role that has come down the pike since 2001:

“Spider-Man was something we talked about. Batman was another one. But I somehow knew those roles had potential to define me, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be labeled as Superman for the rest of my career. I was maybe 22, but I saw the danger.”

Where’s Mylie Cyrus when you need her to say, again, “Get it together, girl!”?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, Orlando Bloom — and why do people think he’s hot … am I missing something? — and Miranda Kerr have split up. Okay.  And rumors abound that Miss Miranda was banging everyone from Leo DiCaprio to Gerard Butler to — wait for it … it’s laughably insane — Justin Bieber, but, maybe it was Orlando’s wandering Mini-Orlando that ended the marriage.

It seems that Mr. Bloom, now appearing on Broadway in Romeo & Juliet — he’s a 36-year old Romeo — might have been stepping out on the Missus with his Juliet, Condola Rashad, and that the flirtation made Miss Miranda very jealous. It also probably didn’t help that Orlando admitted that sometimes when he kisses Condola on stage, he doesn’t want to stop. Ow.

For now, though, Miranda and Orlando continue their friendly façade, though some say it’s to protect their images — as philanderers, I’m guessing — and because Miranda wants primary custody so she can take their son to live in Australia.

But I think it will come down to this: Orlando ALLEGEDLY cheated on his wife with Condola, but Miranda ALLEGEDLY cheated on her husband with The Biebs.

Orlando wins, simply for being the classier adulterer.

That darned Vanity Fair article — or at least the hint of a Vanity Fair article — is really stirring up Miss Gwynnie. Now, apparently the article that details the ugliness that is Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t quite  ready yet because there was no Gwynnie in the November issue and no Goop-y in December. So, ALLEGEDLY VF is holding off for the January issue, which comes out in December and would look lovely under a fir tree with a big red bow on it.

Gwynnie Dish for Xmas!

Anyway, Vanity Fair is said to be revealing Gwyneth’s ALLEGED 2009 affair with billionaire Jeffrey Soffer. He wasn’t married at the time, but she was, and Gwynnie and Chrissy Martin were having problems so she spent a lot of time in Florida where Soffer lives, staying at his mansion, and, according to some friends, getting all snugly with him at private parties. And there is some talk that their little affair may have dripped over into the beginning of his relationship with Elle Macpherson; they’ve been together since late 2009 — hence the overlap — and just got married a few months ago and that may explain why Elle doesn’t want Gwynnie anywhere near her man.

Sources — and it might be little Kiwi Martin, Gwynnie’s daughter — say Elle has been struggling to cope as more details emerge about how close Jeff was with Gwyneth: “It’s only been a few months since her wedding [and] she’s so upset that this has tainted everything.”

And while Elle plans to keep her head down, and her mouth closed, in hopes it will blow over, one thing will never change, says the source: “Elle hates Gwyneth.”

Join the club. 

More Gwynnie? Okay …

One magazine that Paltrow loves, and is on the cover of, is the new issue of Red; of course, that may be because she and her “Goop team” — apparently it takes a team because you know Gwynnie is just a mouthy figurehead — guest-edited the issue, but here are some highlights from what Goop has to say:

“The older I get, I realize it doesn’t matter what people who don’t know you think. It doesn’t matter. You’re wasting your energy. It’s like, if your partner comes to you – or your best friend – and says, ‘Listen, I want to talk about something you did that hurt me, or I think you could improve,’ sit down and listen to what they have to say. But some friend of so-and–sos – it’s like, who gives a s—? And for me, obviously, I have it on a very large, global scale. I don’t have it in the village gossip way; but it’s the same thing. That’s why I really don’t read anything. Because if it’s important, it filters down to me.”

She doesn’t give a sh-t, but she never fails to bring it up. You just know she has a Google alert on her name and whenever it pings she beats feet to the nearest computer.

Remember how she forbade her friends to talk to Vanity Fair? Does a woman who doesn’t give a sh-t about what people think or write or say about her order friends to zip it?

Methinks she doth protest too much.

Since we brought up The Biebs earlier, let’s add some more juice.

It seems he went to a strip club in Texas and was like a kid in a candy store perverted man-child in a titty bar grabbing asses and trying to cop a feel of the dancers. And it cost him $10,000.

During a recent visit to VLive, an alcohol-free strip club in Houston, Miss Justine dropped $10,000 in under 90 minutes, giving 7K to a dancer named Diamond who offered an exclusive performance for the little perv.

“He grabbed my butt and asked if it was real,” she says, “and smiled when I said yes.”

While having his fingers do the walking on a strippers thronged butt might have been the highlight of any prepubescent boy’s life, what really turned on Miss Justine is when one of her :::cough cough::: “songs” played over the club’s sound system.

“That was when he made it rain,” Diamond says. “He went crazy!”

And may, or may not, have copped a feel of his own ass.

Last week, in a desperate attempt to sell books and buy a new purse and a vasectomy for her husband, Tori dished on Katie Holmes, calling the former Prisoner of Cruise ‘plastic.’ Now, her desperation growing, Tori is talking again, and releasing more juicy details about her life in the hopes that she won’t have to get an actual job to pay for things.

See, Tori says she has a sex tape, shot with husband Dean McDermott on Valentine’s Day 2009, and recently revealed — in her upcoming book entitled I’m  A Whore And Will Say Anything For An Hermes Handbag … or something, that someone is reportedly interested in making it public.

Kris Jenner say what?

Actually there is one person interested, but that might be because Tori took it to him: Steve Hirsch, of Vivid Entertainment. He even wrote a letter to Tori, spelling — see what I did there? — out his offer, and Tori and hubby Dean — who also doesn’t have a job — are said to be interested.

How lovely for their children.

What’s up Lohan?

Lindsay somehow landed herself a gig “hosting” a Halloween party at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut. It was fairly basic; Lindsay would show up 10 PM, pose on the red carpet, hang out for a bit inside and get 50K for her time.

Fifty thousand? It might sound like a lot, but Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe gets upwards of 200K to show up and do nothing.

Anyway, Lindsay didn’t show up until 11:43 PM — nearly two hours late — dressed as Carrie and skipped the whole red carpet, spoke to no one, and just walked into the party. Now the promoters want their cash back, although they may only get some of their fee returned because Lindsay, and co-host Floyd Mayweather Jr., did judge the Halloween costume contest together.

Mayweather also got 50K but he showed up on time, walked the carpets and talked with fans.

Has Lindsay fallen off the wagon, or is she just acting like a spoiled, self-involved, perhaps not drunk or high diva?

Speaking of Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Miss Kanye, when are they gonna shut up about that “surprise” engagement?

Now they’re trying to claim that the video of their proposal — you know, the one that’s been seen everywhere — was actually “leaked” and they are trying to sue Chad Hurley, the co-founder of YouTube for it!

In the lawsuit K&K’s lawyer, Eric George, trashes  Hurley, claiming he schemed and plotted to post the video on his new Internet venture, MixBit. The K’s also claim Hurley wasn’t even invited to AT&T Park, where the faux engagement took place, hut manipulated his way in.

But they let him stay after he signed a confidentiality agreement and took a picture of him holding the signed agreement, which is attached to the lawsuit. They say, “Hurley proceeded to try to turn the event into one starring himself [and no one takes the focus off Kanye] broadcasting the images he knew were the exclusive property rights of someone else.”

K&K are suing for unspecified damages because they say the video was meant only to be shown on a very special episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes on E!

Isn’t it funny. They’re suing a guy for making a few bucks off a video they were gonna sell for a few bucks, proving that no matter what happens in the K&K life, it’s always only and ever about the money.

Ah love. I cannot wait for the divorce.

We haven’t heard a lot from Charlie Sheen lately and that’s always good. But we do know that his ex-wife, Denise Richards, had taken Sheen’s four year-old twin boys — the result of his disastrous marriage to his latest ex-wife, and serial drug abuser and rehab addict, Brooke Mueller — into her home.

Brooke was deemed unfit by DCFS to care for her sons, Max and Bob right after her 21st — and that is not snark or gossip, that’s fact — stab at rehab, but she recently regained unsupervised overnight visitation with her boys. Charlie argues, very convincingly, that Brooke is a horrid mother, and that the boys should not have visits with her. He calls Brooke's house a "horror show” and says that she should be in jail for the way she endangers their children. He claims her house is “filled with creeps and cretins that have no business being around children,” including other druggies and drug dealer types — unlike the porn stars that litter Sheen’s manse — and says Brooke is using again. Sheen claims the boys are being emotionally damaged by staying with Brooke and says that his son Bob returned from Brooke’s home with a burned face.

But then, in the same interview, Charlie sheens it all up by talking about DCFS and their decision to let Brooke have unsupervised visits with the boys, saying “there’s obviously some bribery taking place, there’s obviously something going on that’s leading those reports to be glowing… [the boys] are being sent back to the house of horrors.”

Oops. Because DCFS just heard the interview and now Charlie is being denied access to his children. A DCFS called Denise Richards and told her that the boys were not allowed to visit their father that day.

I’ve said it before, and will say it again, Denise Richards should be allowed to adopt those two boys — who’ve spent more time with her than either of their drug-addled parents — and Charlie and Brooke should be surgically prevented from ever having children again.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is still very pregnant and is now out of a job.

It seems that Love — gag — and her baby daddy, Brian Hallisay, who met while working on The Client List sealed their own fate by making demands on the producers.

Jennifer was the star, but after impregnating her, Hallisay ALLEGEDLY pushed his way from recurring character to series regular. And while the show earned fairly good ratings, the powers that be at lifetime killed it because Jennifer wanted Brian’s role to be expanded so he could play her baby daddy on the show just like real life. Love—gag—and executive producer on the show, thought she could just give her baby daddy a bigger role, and a bigger paycheck, but Lifetime kicked them both to the curb.

Maybe she can talk to Tori and write a book about having money troubles. Seriously, can we get a telethon for spoiled actresses who are out of work?

PS Not to cats aspersions, but I'm getting a Way Gay Vibe from Baby Daddy Brian.

Let’s end with Paltrow.

She will not rest until she ruins Vanity Fair. I imagine sitting in her castle, ordering her Flying Monkeys to fly over VF offices and take large dumps on the building.

Now, it seems, she is trying to get all her A-list friends — and I don’t know what’s funnier, that she thinks she A-list or thinks she has friends — to skip Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar party next year.

So far, only George Clooney has taken her call though I imagine he did it to be nice, but Julia Roberts is not helping; in fact, Roberts is set to be on the cover of VF sometime next year much to the chagrin of Goop.

A source — and it might be her son, Abel Martin … or is it Cain Martin — says, “Gwyneth feels her relationship with the magazine has been destroyed and she’s urging pals not just to avoid doing business with the magazine, but to skip the mag’s Oscar party as well. To be frank, she wants to shut their Oscar party down entirely."

First, she asks people not to talk to VF, and then she asks them to avoid VF, and now she wants them to skip the biggest Oscar night party?.”

Oh Gwynnie, thy head is enormous. I mean, why would George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts or even media-hound Oprah care enough about Goop to NOT go to the VF Oscar party?

Answer: They don’t.