Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

In Case You Didn't Already Know: Don't Masturbate at IKEA

Apparently an IKEA store in China has had to increase security after surveillance footage revealed a woman masturbating in the store.

Seriously? At IKEA?

The video shows a woman strolling around an IKEA store and stopping in random spots tp give herself, not a five-finger discount, but a five-finger pleasure boost. And when IKEA caught wind of the in-store pussy-grabbing, they chose to act.

Oh, they didn’t find the Pleasuring Client, but did release a statement:

“We resolutely oppose and condemn this kind of behavior, and immediately reported it to the police in the city of the suspected store.”

They also said they will take “even more careful security and public cleanliness measures” and asked that customers “browse stores in an orderly and civilized way.” 

IKEA also warned non-masturbating clients to perhaps steer clear of the As-Is section until the DNA test results come back. Who know IKEA furnishings would give a customer lady wood?

Just sayin’.