Why Is It ...

… that we have anger management classes but we don’t have stupidity management classes? You can be dumb but I can’t be angry?

… that you need to know that someone, somewhere, right now, is thinking of you and the impact you’ve made on their life, but it isn’t me cuz I think you’re an effing idiot.

… that people don’t understand that I’m not really a “people person,” I am more of a “one human at a time, by appointment only” kind of person ... “no walk-ins allowed.”

… that when my therapist asked what triggers me and I replied, “Nouns,” she didn’t understand until I added, “People, places and things.”

… that I just learned that the serving size for chips is ten; hell, I eat ten chips while trying to decide if I want chips.

… that people are just now learning how good water is for you … you want to lose weight, drink water … you want clear skin, more water … don’t like a person, drown them. Water is amazing.

… that people are all against cigarettes, sugar and booze now but forget who was there for you when your life fell apart; hint: it wasn’t broccoli.

… that people can’t understand why The Wizard of Oz is my all-time favorite movie? I mean, dropping houses on a bitch, making them melt and shiz, I live for that.

… that men don’t test anti-wrinkle creams on their ball sack first? If it gets wrinkles out of that, I’m buying that shiz in bulk.

Bobservations

One night, after my father had come home and I had returned home, Carlos and I were sitting in the living room chatting and watching TV. I had Tuxedo asleep on my lap and then phone rang my father’s number appeared on the screen.

“It’s my Dad.”

I started to stand but my foot had fallen asleep so I was banging it on the floor and scaring the crap out of Tuxedo.

“Get the phone, my foot’s asleep!”

Carlos heads into the kitchen but with his eyesight is moving slowly and deliberately and I am trying to walk behind him not falling over on my tingling useless foot. Luckily, he made it to the phone first and answered it, but neither one of us could stop laughing, and my poor Dad was on the other end wondering what the hell goes on in our house.

Just the usual, I thought.

All that fearmongering from the GOP disappears as soon as the election is over, shoved back into the Do Nothing About It Closet until the next election

Since Thing 45 and his pet candidates were handed their asses in the Red Surge That Wasn’t, The Former Guy is keeping an eye on the GOP and anyone who turns against him … like Miss Lindsey Graham. Yes, the former lapdog of the traitor has, so far, declined to offer an endorsement for 2024, saying:

“Let’s see what he says … I’ll tell you after Georgia.”

Miss Lindsey is so desperate for Herschel Walker to win in Georgia because, and I’m just spit-balling here, she wants Herschel to sit with her in the Congressional Lunchroom. 

But back to Thing 45 ... South Dakota’s John Thune, the No. 2 Senate Republican, and Texas GOP Senator John Cornyn have both said they won’t endorse Thing 45 in a contested primary.

The tide is turning … even “Jarvanka” want no part of Thing 45 2024. Daddy spent a great deal of time during Tiffany’s weekend wedding trying to convince his daughter-wife and her eunuch husband to stand with him on stage when he announces his third consecutive run for the presidency.

Hard pass.

Hey, I know everybody has their own way of relieving stress, so sue me if you don’t like mine. It calms me down.

QAnon Kari Lake, AKA Thing 45 in a Dress, lost her bid for governor in Arizona and some members of the GOP could not be happier.

Last month QAnon Kari mockingly thanked anti-Thing 45 Representative Liz Cheney for endorsing her Democratic opponent, Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs by posting a letter to Cheney claiming she had raised a ton of money on the letter.

After the race was called for Hobbs, Liz Cheney posted the letter with her own response:

I have said I don’t like Cheney’s politics but I like me some Cheney Shade.

This happens all the time here in South Carolina … when someone invariably starts a sentence with:

"I seen …"

 I assume they won't finish that sentence with:

"… the inside of a book.”

Just sayin’.

Over the course of the Oath Keepers seditious conspiracy trial, attorneys for Thomas Caldwell, one of the group’s oldest members, have tried to recast him as an elderly bystander to the insurrection. In fact Caldwell’s wife told a jury her husband wasn’t wearing body armor that day unless …

“If you’re talking about ‘Depends,’ that’s what he was wearing.”

Prosecutors say Caldwell contributed to the attack as a member of the Oath Keepers’ so-called quick reaction force, which stashed weapons inside a Comfort Inn. Security footage from the hotel chain appears to show Caldwell carting boxes of weapons on a dolly.

Terrorists in diapers.

Nancy Pelosi is 82 and just helped lead House Democrats to an unexpectedly good midterms outcome but the media’s first question is when she’ll retire.

On the other hand, Mitch McConnell is 80 and just led Senate Republicans to a humiliating defeat and was not asked a single question about stepping aside.

Amazon SmugMaster Jeff Bezos named Dolly Parton the latest recipient of his Courage and Civility award and gave her $100 million to direct to any charities she chooses. Dolly happily accepted the cash saying:

“I’ve always said, I try to put my money where my heart is, and I will do my best to do good things with this money.”

Bezos has said he will give away half his wealth before he dies, but I say give it all away now and let the chips fall where they may.

Broderick Hunter Jr. is an American model and actor from California which is neither here nor there. Would You Hit It?

And Now For Something New: Ball Sacks and Dick Holes.

One thing I loathe about Facebook are the ads; you click on it, and then suddenly it’s all over your page and your News feed … like I really need another ad for lamps from Wayfair. Spoiler Alert: I don’t. But, apparently, one day I clicked on an ad for underwear, though I don’t know which one or why, and suddenly I am inundated with ads for Separatec Underwear.

It, um, separates your balls from your dick, so to speak. See, there’s a pouch in the crotch where your cradle your balls, and there right above the pouch, is a hole where you slip your dick. Oh, don’t worry, your dick isn’t just hanging out there free and easy; nope, they’re created sort of a hoodie for your dick.

Seriously. And they say you won’t get sweaty and your balls won’t stick to your dick, or vice versa, and …the real reason for the drawers … they keep your junk up front and center making it look larger than it is.

Just sayin’. Separatec. For when your balls and your dick want a little time apart.

NSFW: Squeaky Clean Balls

Monday Fun Day: Senhor Testiculo ... It's A Real Thing

As someone who has watched loved ones dies from cancer, I am all about treatment and awareness. Knowledge is power. Lung cancer, Liver cancer, Breast cancer. Testicular cancer.

Hundreds of men die from testicular cancer every year and the American Cancer Society said recently that occurrences of testicular cancer are on the rise around the world.

So, yeah, knowledge … in the form, at least in Brazil, of Mister Balls.

Now, for those who find that rather descriptive title offensive, the scrotum-shaped character also answers to "Senhor Testiculo" and is Brazil’s spokesman, er –person, er –thing, for the Association of Personal Assistance for Cancer, a group seeking to raise awareness of testicular cancer research.

They send Mister Balls, er, Senhor Testiculo, out to schools and other venues where, according to the group’s website, “both children and adults loved taking pictures with the mascot, a friendly snowman in the shape of testicle."

"Honey? Get close to that nut-sack, I wanna post a picture to Facebook of you with the giant balls."

I’m all for cancer awareness, like I said, but I think I’d rather not see Mister Balls lolling about in front of the Piggly-Wiggly.

But, hey, it got me posting about testicular cancer so … yeah, there’s that.

NY Daily News

Sweaty Balls? Have I Got The Thing For You!

Gentlemen, I ask you, how many times have you been enjoying a lovely meal with your partner, spouse, husband, boyfriend, and even, for some of you, girlfriend, and felt the trickle of sweat in your, ahem, nether regions.

I’m talking sweaty balls, fellas. And don’t be shy. At one time or another we’ve all been subject to a high level of moisture, unwanted moisture, at an inappropriate time, down there. So, rest easy men, there’s a solution for you ….

Nadkins. Handi-wipes for your nads … testicles … sweaty balls.

Nadkins were launched last week as a freshening wet wipes for the male genitals, specifically the testicles, and they are akin to another aptly named product marketed towards women called, and this is seriously no joke, Google it ,,, Healthy Hoohoo.

Nadkins are a luxurious quick-fix for the guy who needs a little midday upkeep session but is just too darn busy to stop off at home and shower. And, the wipes are 100 percent natural and non-toxic … thank the goddess for that because, man oh man, the burning … and use a mixture of fancy ingredients like aloe vera, vitamin E and grapefruit essence to keep things pleasant down south.

Not to brag, but I’ve often been told I have grapefruit-sized  balls and now they can smell like it, too.

You can buy a 10-pack for $12.50, three 10-packs for the bargain price of $30 or a subscription for $11.50 available on Nadkins.com today! And, if you don't believe it, the company's mission statement is:

If they're happy, you're happy.

Just think, no more sweaty balls. It really is a New Day.

Details

Random Musings

Overheard at Work:

Me: CJ? Can you pass me that folder?

My Boss: His name is Clinton ...

Me: Funny, when he introduced himself to me he said his name was CJ so I'll call him CJ.

My Boss: Well, his name was Clinton.

Me: Well, If I were to call people by names that others suggest that I call them, you can only imagine what names I'd be hurling at you ... starts with an 'F' and ends with an 'r'.

It's a wonder I'm employed at all.

Remember when Tim Tebow would score a touchdown and drop to his knees and pray to God or thank God, or just settle for a moment, and people began selling the T-shirts.

Well, when Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah intercepted a Tom Brady pass and returned it for a touchdown he did the same thing: he stopped and thanked his God, too.

The difference? Abdullah was penalized 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Oh yeah, he’s Muslim, so maybe that explains why. I guess in football, you can beat your wives and girlfriends, have drug problems, anger issues, but you can’t bow down to thanks your God unless you’re a Christian.

Uh huh.

Bette’s back!

Midler, that is; she is releasing a new album entitled “It’s The Girls!” produced by Mark Shaiman. It is said to be an album of covers, but only from girl groups, from the 1930s through to today.

Think Bette does The Andrews Sisters to The Supremes to En Vogue to Destiny’s Child.

It drops — look at me with the industry-speak — November 4th and should be fa-a-a-a-bulous!

Out there to California, Governor Jerry Brown has signed into law a bill outlawing the "gay panic" defense in court.

Yup, no more The gay guy asked me to dance so I shot him fifty times defense.

It makes California the first state in the nation to enact this kind of law, and it’s about time.

On TV last week we watched the premier of How To Get Away With Murder, starring the beautiful Viola Davis — quite possibly one of the greatest actresses ever — as a law professor and defense attorney.

It’s from Shonda “Scandal” Rimes so it has that same, WTF just happened feel to it.

It also has some nice eye candy, like Alfred Enoch as the naïve, yet quite hot, law student, Billy Brown — a personal hottie favorite of mine — as Viola’s cop boyfriend, and Jack Falahee, as the Is he gay or is he just having gay sex to close the case student.

A trifecta of hot men, with Viola Davis to boot!

Paybacks are a bitch, especially when the payback is $242,000.

This week a federal court yesterday ordered former GOP Senator  Larry Craig — AKA The Airport Bathroom Toe-Tapper — to pay the government back the $242,000 in campaign funds he used to pay lawyers after being busted trying to hook-up with a dude in a Minneapolis airport restroom.

Craig, a complete and utter homophobe, bigot and all-around tool, says he was entitled to use the funds because was traveling on official Senate business.

Official Senate business is looking for a blow job in an airport john? Sorry, Larry, I ain’t buying that any more than I was buying your story about having a wide-stance.

You’re queer, dear.

After the highly successful ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, the organization Check One Two has created the Crotch Grab Challenge hoping to raise awareness about testicular cancer and encourage men to self-examine down below.

One of the first men to cop a feel, so to speak, was Hugh Jackman, who Tweeted out that photo and challenged Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan and Ricky Gervais.

It sounds like a good challenge, but it annoys me because I have been begging to grab Huge Ackman’s crotch for years.

PS He's really packing!

What the hell is wrong with the Secret Service these days? An intruder hops the fence at the White House and they’re too busy placing a Starbucks order to notice? He races across the lawn and they’re taking selfies? He enters the White House — enters.the.White.House — and they’re challenging one another to the Crotch Grab?

Or, howsabout the time they let an armed man onto an elevator with the President?

It’s ridiculous, unacceptable, and all kinds of wrong, and now Julia Pierson, the boss of the Secret Service, has stepped down. Good; here’s hoping they put someone in charge who realizes that they have ONE JOB: protect the President and the First family.

If they can’t do that, get rid of ‘em.

Filed under: I Don’t Know What To Make Of This

In Ohio, a white lesbian is suing a local sperm bank, charging that they mistakenly sent her sperm from an African-American male and not from a white guy.

Now, this women and her partner adore their mixed race baby, but say they are having difficulty raising her in an all-white community. The suit further states that the plaintiff fears the child will not be accepted by her "all white and unconsciously insensitive family."

Hmmm, is it the mixed race baby, or the fact that you’re a lesbian couple that has your neighbors are twisted.

Either way, who gives a f**k?

Ball Sack

The economy is tanking.

People are losing their houses.

Thousands are losing their jobs each day.

Businesses are closing.

People are dying.

But this is news in South Carolina--avert your eyes!!!